We open in French class where Mademoiselle Lavelle, the French teacher, calls on Brian to read a poem he wrote in French. And, just in case you’re a complete dumb ass like the producers obviously think you are, the words “French” are written in huge letters on the blackboard to keep you from having to guess this is French class by the context clues otherwise given. Wait…so Brian’s Swiss, he’s obviously not French Swiss if he’s learning to speak French, and we’ve yet to hear him speak German or Italian, one of which has to be his native tongue. There’s something wrong with the fact we never hear the foreign kid speak in his language.Since Brian’s one defining characteristic besides being Swiss is liking Rachel, his poem is called “Je t’adore, Rachel,” which, according to the internet, means, “I adore Rachel.” I have to trust in the internet here since I don’t speak French. Of course, Brian’s sucky ass poem is just him saying, “Je t’adore, Rachel,” over and over again, which embarrasses Rachel but doesn’t seem to concern Mademoiselle Lavelle, since she has no comment about Brian’s lack of effort. Meanwhile, Tommy D is being his usual dumb ass and reading another fake car magazine in the back of class. There’s a weird, awkward exchange between Tommy D and Mademoiselle Lavelle in which she says he’s supposed to be studying French, not centerfolds. Wait, does she think he’s looking at porn? Awkward…
Not to mention the fact that Tommy D’s centerfold appears to be a souped up version of a Cub Scout pinewood derby racer. Rule 34, man. That’s all I have to say. Rule 34. Also, Tommy D denigrates French culture and language with the worst sounding French accent ever.
Screech comes rushing in to establish our subplot for the episode, the science fair. The winners get a trip to San Francisco to see where Screech used to spread his seed in his one year of college. Of course, the gang decide they’re going to be Team Dunce Cap.
Turns out Tommy D has been working for some auto mechanic named Vince, and he’s actually pretty good at it. He’s doing some kick ass work and even manages to save Screech’s scooter from the junkyard. Yeah, I’m very surprised they remembered Screech’s stupid beloved scooter from the country club episodes. I wonder if they’ll remember it after a season break.
Vince says that repairing cars is the one thing Tommy D is competent at and he wishes he could hire Tommy D full time if not for that pesky school thing…
Rachel’s idea is a machine that paints all ten fingernails at once but, when she tries it out on Lindsay, it paints her entire hand red. Even Screech thinks these projects are idiotic. That’s shameful if even Screech thinks your ideas are stupid. That’s a reason to put a paper bag on your head and relocate to North Dakota.
Tommy D comes in and buys everyone burgers. He tells everyone Vince is going to pay him to work as much as he wants at the garage. The gang is worried he can’t keep up with school because it’s not like he can set his own hours and not work when he needs to study…oh right, that’s exactly what he just said. Yeah, they need a conflict for this episode so they’re going to shoe horn it in. Nobody ever has part-time jobs, not even Kelly when she worked at The Max!
Yeah, since they need a plot, naturally Tommy D takes on too much work at the garage. First Mr. Belding catches him in the hallway and writes him a tardy slip.
And he manages to tip over in his desk. Unfortunately, he’s not injured. Mr. Belding calls Tommy D and his father in to discuss Tommy D’s new found delinquency. Mr. DeLuca says it’s obvious the evil Vince is overworking Tommy and forcing him to not be able to keep up with class, what with his flexible hours and all. Tommy D says there’s only one thing to do: drop out of school, and he marches off ready to be rid of The New Class.
After a commercial, Mr. DeLuca is still hanging out in Mr. Belding’s office distraught over his son dropping out. Mr. Belding says Mr. DeLuca needs to give Tommy D some tough love. Rather than the usual spankings, they decide the worst punishment they can give Tommy D is to make him live with Screech.
Witness the horror that is Screech’s face when he finds out Tommy D is moving into his apartment. Would you let your sixteen year old son move in with a face like that?
At The Max, the gang give Tommy D the old tired cliches about dropping out of school when his father comes in with two suitcases packed and give him the bad news that he’s living with Screech. Apparently two suitcases is all Tommy D owns.
The more shocking thing in this whole scenario is that Screech has his own apartment. Of course, considering this is just a redressing of the generic bedroom scene, Screech and Tommy D might be living in Screech’s parents house. Screech proceeds to take all of Tommy D’s money for room and board, which I assume he’s going to immediately go out and spend on hookers and blow to make his porno that no one in the world wanted to see. At Bayside, Tommy D clears out his locker and the gang say bye to him since no one who doesn’t attend Bayside ever makes it in this franchise on a permanent basis. Mr. Belding then says the most bullshit thing that’s ever been uttered in this franchise: Tommy D has to leave because only students are allowed on school premises.
Oh, Mr. Belding, shall I shatter your fantasies with a list of non-students who have randomly wandered around Bayside?
- Casey Kasem
- A government agent
- Kelly’s baby brother
- Kelly’s younger sister
- James the Actor, four times
- Adam Trask
- Brandon Tartikoff
- Johnny Dakota
- Little Zack, twice
- Stevie (Okay, that was technically JFK Junior High, but you get my point)
And these are only the ones I can think of off the top of my head. I’m sure there are others because Bayside is fucking Grand Central Station for people who shouldn’t legally be there. But it matters to the plot this time so we’re supposed to ignore it because the producers all think we’re idiots who can’t remember the stupid things they do over the years.
At The Max the gang think they finally have a way of going to San Francisco…a radio controlled car. A fucking radio controlled car that goes fast. Is this a high school science fair or an elementary school show and tell? Unfortunately, I think the radio controlled car catches on fire because smoke starts coming out everywhere, which I’m sure will be great for business at The Max. Why don’t they kick these idiots out? They must be hurting business.
Tommy D comes in and wants to help out, but that’s against the rules of the science fair. Uh oh! The horrors of dropping out of school! You can’t participate in the science fair! HOW HORRIBLE CAN THINGS GET?!?!
At the garage, Mr. DeLuca comes in and tells his son his sad story about how he’s always regretted he dropped out of school and how this should somehow guilt Tommy D into not dropping out.
This sends Tommy D into a dream sequence where he imagines he’s so desperate for a job that he wants to work for Screech. Of course, Screech has a mustache because body hair is the only way to make Screech look different apparently. And, probably because the producers were too lazy and cheap to build a new set, they opted to have the interview in Mr. Belding’s office.Since Tommy D doesn’t have a high school diploma or college degree, Screech sprays him with water as he would a misbehaving cat.
He proceeds to wipe Tommy D’s face with a squeegee, which I assume he thinks is what shaving is since he’s never had to shave in his life.
But in comes Tommy D with a remote control car that works which he no doubt picked up at Toys ‘R Us. Tommy D’s stupid car is the best science fair project, reminding us of the low academic standards Bayside holds its students to.
Mr. DeLuca comes in…didn’t we just establish only students are supposed to be in school? Did they contradict themselves in less than twenty minutes? Seriously?!?! Anyway, Mr. DeLuca comes in and witnesses his son doing something competent, making him so proud that they make up and he asks Tommy D to come back home.
Tommy D’s nightmare of living with Screech over, he tells Screech he’s moving out of his apartment, and we close with the thrilling conclusion of Screech giving Tommy D his money back.
I think if I’d watched this episode when I was in high school I would have dropped out.
Firsts: Screech’s apartment.