Most awkward opening ever. I mean, seriously. The credits stopped and there’s barely a pause before Zack Morris pops on the screen to start his bullshit. It’s like the camera operator was asleep and suddenly woke up and remembered to turn on the camera.
Anyway, this week we’re in a meeting of the student council, and because Bayside apparently doesn’t budget equipment for its sports teams like every other school in existence, the cheerleader squad has to turn to the student council to spend their money on uniforms. Since the uniforms only cost $600 for the entire squad, I can only assume they’re made by a child labor sweatshop in Asia.
And this is Brian, the student council vice-president, who will be play Snooty McSnootypants this episode. He seems to be waiting for Jessie to die so he can become president. After all, we haven’t seen a student council election since season one but Jessie just remains the president.
Neither the school nor the student council has $600, so Kelly suggests they start an escort service to raise money. The idea is to auction off a hot night of whoopie with the boys so that the girls will desperately pay to get in their pants. Jessie is all, “Feminism! Anti-disestablishmenttarianism! Auctioning off men as dates is somehow misogyny…” Yeah, I don’t know. There’s usually at least a glimmer of truth in her speeches, but this one has me baffled. She’s quickly outvoted and they decide to have a dance to coincide with the escort service.
In the hallway,we discover it took Lisa an entire episode to forget Eric ever existed, and she now wants in Brian’s pants. He must like Casablanca too. Jessie comes up and berates Lisa and Kelly for not agreeing with everything she says, and Lisa’s all, “Fuck off you tired old spinster.”
Zack Morris, Slater, and Screech argue over who will earn the most money.
Screech goes up to random girl in the hallway trying to sell his assets and random girl quickly becomes a new hero when she slams Screech’s foot in her locker. You go girl! We need someone to do these things that need to be done more often.
At The Max…good god, do I even have to say anything? Yeah, Screech is showing this picture to women so they know they only get grade A prepubescent meat when they bid on him. Lisa stifles the desire to throw up because Brian is there He’s all snooty and stuff, thinking that Lisa’s head is a barren desert, which he’s right, but he proceeds to mispronounce the name of the book, The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Yeah, he pronounces it like the common pronunciation of the Indiana university. He would be intellectual, I suppose, if he had competent writers.
And, ladies and gentlemen, it’s a sad day here at Saved by the Bell Reviewed. You see, it’s the last time we get to play our favorite game, “Where’s Scott Wolf?” Yes, this show may continue thirty-six more episodes, but they’re thirty-six episodes that we have to go Scott Wolf-less. So, one more time, let’s find Scott Wolf.
He’s the waiter behind Lisa. Goodbye, Scott Wolf. You will always be in our hearts here at Saved by the Bell Reviewed. Whenever I think of this show, I will think of your roles as “Choir Student,” or “The Max Waiter,” or “Movie Theater Patron.” Thank you for making such a lasting impact on this show.
Back at Bayside, in the locker room, Jessie threatens to cut a bitch if anyone bids on Slater. So…I’m assuming the caffeine pills have finally caused brain damage since she went from quasi-feminist activist to homicidal psycho maniac in six and a half minutes.
So it’s time for the escort auction. First up is one of our stereotypical geeks, who gets 15 cents because no one wants to date geeks. Brian is up next and Lisa wins him with a $30 bid because she threatens to tell the school about a random girl’s tiny boobs.
Could this get any more awkward?
Slater is up next and no one will bid on him because they’re afraid of the tight psychological grip Jessie now has over the school. Kelly feels sorry for how bat shit crazy Jessie is being and bids $10 on Slater. Jessie’s hella pissed that Kelly bid on Slater and bids $25 sight unseen on the next guy up for auction.
Finally, wouldn’t you know it, Zack Morris s last and Wendy bids $100 on him because he wants his hot man stick in her pooter. Unfortunately, since Wendy is overweight, that makes her automatically unattractive to Zack Morris, and thus we have our conflict set up for the rest of the episode.
Also, while we’re saying goodbyes, it’s time to say goodbye to Casper Van Dien as well. He’s behind pink shirted girl. We won’t see him again on this show, but we’ll see his return to horrible acting in Starship Troopers later in the ’90s.
Meanwhile, Wendy wants Zack Morris to sit with her but Zack Morris is all, “I hurt my back because you’re fat!” and he leaves.
Meanwhile, Lisa asks Slater to tell her what her best qualities are, and she’s upset that Slater doesn’t say she’s Mensa material.
Back at Bayside, Jessie announces the new uniforms have been been purchased and that Kelly is a back stabbing whore who’s going to steal her boyfriend like her ex-boyfriend stole her from Zack Morris.
Meanwhile, Lisa comes in wearing Aunt Vivian’ business suit from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and starts talking about Tolstoy like she has some clue what she’s talking about. Since Brian is an idiot the writers are desperately trying to make smart, he instantly buys her act and dcides he wants to bang her after all.
Wendy puts on her grandmother’s dress and tells Zack Morris she knows he’s a piece of crap liar who’s shallow and only dates girls without an ounce of body fat on them. She tells him she won’t go to the dance with him and she’d have more fun staying at home and finger banging herself than going out with him. Wow…not since Kelly and the school nurse told off Zack Morris have I been so proud of a girl who gave Zack Morris just what he deserves. You go girl!
At The Max, Lisa’s now bullshitting about Descartes because Cartesian philosophy apparently gets Brian hot. Kelly tries to tell her she’s being even more vapid and phony than usual, but Lisa won’t listen because she’s now a serial monogamist after her brief fling with Eric and being single was the worst thing in the world until The New Class came along..
Meanwhile, Screech stalks Jessie by giving her greenery and then brings in meatloaf in a brown paper bag. Zack Morris tells her to quit being a shallow idiot like he is and Jessie’s all, “You’re right!”
Brian continues being a stuck-up ass and Lisa finally tells him to go fuck himself when he starts telling the truth about all her friends. Boy, you point out how stupid the characters on this show can be and people jump all over you.
Slater can’t stop thinking about Jessie because the episode is close to the end and they still need to make up. Kelly leaves him to his thoughts so she can go put on her new cheerleader uniform and model for the school.
But I think Slater might be getting lucky too!
Screech sees how bummed out Slater is over Jessie and tells Jessie to go get her boyfriend back before Mr. Belding does unspeakable acts to him, and so the “Jessie is a psycho bitch causes a rift between her and Slater” subplot is complete.
Yep, I was right, sweatshop labor. That embroidering is horrible!
Wendy finally agrees to dance with Zack Morris because he’s learned a lesson about treating women like shit that he’ll soon forget when it’s convenient to the plot, Lisa dances with Screech…for some reason…And Mr. Belding decides that, if he can’t have Slater, he’ll go get him some hot Kelly action before Zack Morris decides he wants her again. Our episode ends with our escort service all dancing after having learned valuable lessons, which they have no clue what they are.