Oh, can it be true? Is it all just false internet rumors that this show lasted five more seasons? Could this be the Christmas miracle I’ve been waiting for? Oh, to think about never having to watch this show again! Maybe this is the series finale of one of the worst shows ever made! Oh, I will review this episode in glee in anticipation! This could end up being the best episode of the show yet!
Wait, the contradictory evidence is sitting on my bookshelf, isn’t it?
And, let me tell you, the students are overenthusiastic about this event. Really, I haven’t the slightest clue why they find it this incredibly exciting, but they’re celebrating with big cards and birthday hats and shit. Also, Lindsay says they’re having a prom in honor of the fortieth anniversary because…hell, I haven’t been able to figure out anything else about this season so why start here? Also, what grade is the gang supposed to be in at this point if they’re going to the prom?
Anyway, Bobby is running for prom king and makes lots of promises of shit he’ll do if he’s elected because he’s apparently such a dumb ass he doesn’t know the difference between prom king and student council.
Rachel is running for prom queen, but that’s kind of a given, and she enjoys writing giant messages in Bayside’s giant fortieth birthday card. Mr. Belding, meanwhile, thinks all of Screech’s ideas for celebrating the fortieth birthday are idiotic, including putting the Goodyear Blimp and Shamu in the gym. Is Screech trying to destroy the school or open it to law suits?
Meanwhile, in walks an older man a week after Mr. Belding declared that only students are allowed in Bayside during school hours. Driving home Screech’s idiocy, he thinks the man is a student dressed in old people’s clothes and prepares to write him a detention slip. Turns out our trtrespassers Mr. Woodbury, the president of the school board. Mr. Belding’s homoerotic advances towards Mr. Woodbury disturb the man, and he excuses himself by saying that he has a meeting with J. Walker McMillan, a rich real estate mogul and the most famous of Bayside’s alumni. Mr. Belding makes probably the first reasonable assumption here and believes that Mr. McMillan intends to make a donation to Bayside.
We cut to the Glee Club, where we discover the writers have forgotten they had a Glee Club episode earlier this season where they established Bayside had hired a Glee Club teacher. Instead, Screech is now Glee Club Teacher because the producers were running out of money this season and needed to save some of it for the final episode.
Anyway, Screech wants the Glee Club to think of songs they can sing for Bayside’s fortieth birthday.
Screech thinks it’s fucking idiotic that Bobby and Rachel want to sing songs about being prom king and prom queen. If Screech thinks you’re idiotic, you may want to hire a counselor to help you understand where your life choices went wrong.
Tommy D leveled up and learned a new skill this episode as he can now play some piano. His song is only saying, “Bayside High School” off key to chopsticks, though, so Screech thinks this fucking sucks too.
Meanwhile, Mr. Belding stalks Mr. Woodbury and Mr. McMillan in the hallway asking for ridiculous luxuries for Bayside. Mr. Woodbury suggests they step into Mr. Belding’s office so they can explain the plot to him and he’ll leave them the fuck alone.
Since Mr. Belding is detained, Screech starts a school assembly on the prom king and queen without him. Jesus, this school has assemblies for everything, don’t they?
Rachel says she wants to be prom queen because Bayside means so much to her. Bobby says he wants to be prom king so he can lose his cursed virginity before he’s rightfully written out of this show. We only hear from the two of them since they’re they only two students running who matter as Mr. Belding walks in.
He says he has some very bad news: Mr. McMillan wants to buy Bayside and, since the school board is strapped for money, they’ve agreed to sell it for $5 million. After the prom, the school will be torn down to make room for condominium.
The New Class, you’ve made some stupid factual errors in your two seasons, but I must ask: WHAT THE FUCK! Since when can a school board, on a whim, just sell a public high school! The high school doesn’t belong to them! It belongs to the state! And you don’t just sell a high school on a whim in the middle of a school year without a clear plan of what to do with the students!
In the hallway, Screech faints when Mr. Belding reiterates what we just heard in the last scene about Bayside being sold. Meanwhile, Tommy D and Bobby actually suggest selling brownies to buy the school because they’re as brain dead as I am from watching this episode. The gang asks what will happen to them and Mr. Belding says they’ll be reassigned to other high schools because overcrowding is a great idea!
It’s also a great thing the gang already have their school reassignments because otherwise it might become too realistic. Bobby, Lindsay, and Brian find out they’re going to Lincoln, Megan’s going to a private school, and Tommy D and Rachel are going to…THE DREADED VALLEY! Yes, once again the writers forgot they had an episode about the gang liking Valley now as Tommy D says he doesn’t talk to Valley kids. So much for Tommy D talking to Scott, a former Valley kid, for all of last season and the Valley kid he was tenderly hugging this season. I do wish Tommy D would shut up the rest of this episode, though.
Meanwhile, Screech realizes that he’s going to finally be out of work after seven years in the Saved by the Bell universe and Mr. Belding tries to work on his resume as Screech peers uncomfortably close over his shoulder.
In the auditorium, the prom committee has trouble thinking of themes for the prom…a week before the prom…
Mr. McMillan comes in with a construction worker and a map of where he wants to put new shit. Tommy D gives an impassioned plea to Mr. McMillan about how none of them will be able to find new acting gigs if Bayside is torn down. Mr. McMillan, though, is the greedy capitalist with a heart of stone so he doesn’t give a fuck if Tommy D is out on the street giving blow jobs for food.
After some talk about Mister Ed that has absolutely no bearing on the plot whatsoever, Screech phones Mr. McMillan’s office in the worst falsetto ever pretending to be the secretary for the school board. He tells leaves a message for Mr. McMillan saying that tomorrow’s Bayside meeting will be held an hour later in Mr. Belding’s office.
Screech shows up to the school board meeting as Mr. McMillan’s attorney and makes a bunch of ridiculous demands like more schools and even the school board members’ cars and houses. Mr. Woodbury is outraged and does an impersonation of Mr. Spacely from The Jetsons to express his outrage over Screech’s lunacy. Mr. Woodbury tells Screech to go tell Mr. Woodbury this is an outrage.
Meanwhile, Tommy D, Lindsay, Megan, and Bobby have somehow chained themselves to lockers because that’s apparently physically possible. They’re holding a “Save Bayside” protest. Mr. Belding tells them that they’re being fucking stupid but he’s interrupted by Rachel, who’s rushing off to chain herself to a bus.
Screech has Mr. McMillan outraged but then Mr. Woodbury comes in and both Mr. McMillan and Mr. Woodbury thinks Screech is the lawyer for the other. Mr. Belding comes in and sets things straight.
Mr. Belding brings in Screech and the gang for punishment about their latest prank. He tells them that they just need to face that all things must come to an end and this show has already run two seasons longer than it should. The gang isn’t happy but Mr. Belding tells them that Mr. Woodbury and Mr. McMillan finalized the sale after they realized Screech’s idiocy was just idiocy.
And our episode ends with a giant, “Aww..” from the audience as things hang in limbo as to whether this is it for the worst of the Saved by the Bell series.