Well, Happy Boxing Day to all my regular readers in commonwealth nations! I hope everyone had a happy holiday season, no matter what holiday you do or do not celebrate! You know how I like to celebrate the holiday season here at Saved by the Bell Reviewed?
Why, with an episode that takes entirely inside a shopping mall, all to remind me how commercial the holiday season has become and how the new tradition is long lines for video game systems and iPhones. And what are our heroes up to in a mall you may ask?
Why, they’re trying to get U2 tickets, because, apparently, in the days before the internet, you had to go to the mall to buy concert tickets and not to the venue’s box office. Also, Jessie’s not in this episode. I guess U2 somehow offends her quasi-feminism.
Zack Morris bribed Screech with a teddy bear to sleep overnight in front of the box office so they could be the first ones there. Apparently the last five thousand times Screech has been a dumb ass and failed them mean nothing, so the rest of the gang go shopping while Screech gets the tickets.
Almost as soon as the rest of the gang is gone, the window opens and the clerk asks a simple question, whether he wants mezzanine or orchestra tickets. Screech doesn’t understand what the word “mezzanine” means and he’s too dumb to have ever seen an orchestra, so he ha no idea which tickets to get.
Screech, being a complete dumb ass, asks the guy behind him to hold his spot so he can consult with Zack Morris and Slater on which tickets they want.
Screech finds Zack Morris and Slater and they pretty much call him a complete fucking dumb ass for losing his spot. Also, the guy behind Screech was apparently Spanish speaking, so he couldn’t understand Screech’s request. Are they implying that, had the guy been able to understand Screech, a rational person would have just stayed there while Screech ran errands?
Zack Morris tells Screech to go get back in line before he condemns him to a fate worse than death: a spot on a horrible Saved by the Bell spin-off. Meanwhile, Zack Morris and Slater go and find Kelly and tell her about Screech’s idiocy. Lisa joins them after having bought lots of shoes and talking about how the shoe salesman wants to take her for a ride in his Air Jordans, which I assume is code for the shoe salesman has a foot fetish.
Lisa reaches down beside the bench she’s sitting in and finds a bag full of $5,000. How they knew that was how much was there isn’t clear, but I assume it has to do with the super powers Lisa gained when the many cosmetics she wears leaked into her brain and caused brain damage.
They debate on whether they’re going to be decent human beings and turn in the money. Kelly is along to be the voice of reason and everyone else wants to keep it. They also fight over who should keep the money and finally decide to split the money. Zack Morris decides they should buy as many U2 tickets as they can with $5,000 and scalp the tickets for profit. Then they’ll turn in the money.
Lurking near the gender neutral restroom, though, are Frankie and Louie, who are supposed to be gangsters after the money but are played by two of the worst actors this show has seen. When I say they’re bad, they’re like Weasel from The New Class bad. When they discover that the money is gone, they use their brilliant detective skills to deduce the gang must have taken it, and the chase is afoot.
The gang find Screech in line and decide they need to get him to the front of the line as quickly as possible. They first start by getting a mildly overweight man to follow ice cream like a cat being teased with catnip. Seriously, this is horribly insulting. I tried waiting in line for U2 tickets and no one offered me ice cream! I’d much rather have the ice cream!
The only thing standing between Screech and the window is this old woman, who’s determined to get Bono to autograph her breasts. Zack Morris bribes her with $200 and she gives up her place in line because it’s 1991 she can buy hookers with that kind of money.
Screech is now at the front of the line but, wouldn’t you know it, the windo is predictably out of tickets! Oh, the wackiness.
In the food court, the gang bemoans the fact they fucked up again. Kelly tries to convince them to turn the money in and, when the rest don’t agree, she tries to tell a mall cop, but Zack Morris stuffs food in her mouth and tells her to mind her place before she can.
Suddenly, a plot contrivance rears its head in the form of an announcement telling shoppers that, due to Bono having a bad case of genital warts, they’ve decided to have two concerts instead of one. They decide this is a perfect opportunity to try their previous plan again but that Screech is too stupid to pull it off so they’re all staying. Even Kelly is all, “Screech is a fucking idiot,” which is unusual for her to recognize when someone needs to be lobotomized. But they decide to advance themselves some money on the future profits since nothing could possibly go wrong twice.
The gang notice Frankie and Louie nearby watching them, though, and automatically decide that these two must be their conflict for the rest of the episode. They decide to hide the money in Lisa’s shoe box since two random guys in a mall must automatically be the owners of the money and they tell Screech to create a distraction.
No shit, he flaps his arms, makes monkey noises and chases Frankie and Louie through the food court. WHY DOESN’T SOMEONE HAVE HIM FUCKING COMMITTED?!?!?!
Lisa goes shoe shopping again. Kelly finds her and reminds her they’re supposed to meet the boys in the movie theater. Frankie and Louie suddenly show up and knock down lots of shoes, which further convinces the two these two must be up to something mean and nefarious!
Speaking of whom, Screech comes in dressed in a horrible knock-off of a Superman costume. I guess some show couldn’t afford the rights to the Superman logo!
What follows is the gang watching a horrible romantic film with a female lead that’s an obvious male falsetto. The boys talk lots and the girls get pissed a lot and the scene really has nothing at all to do with the rest of the episode and could have easily been cut. Of course, though, this is a show that can’t cut anything.
Naturally, since he’s a fucking idiot, Screech’s idea of sneaking out is telling Frankie and Louie they’re leaving. Frankie and Louie quickly follow after the gang but seem to have trouble catching up to them despite being only a few seconds behind. Worst gangsters ever.
Zack Morris decides the gang should camp out in a tent in the sporting goods store, which makes absolutely no sense if their goal is to be buy the ticket window in the morning.Zack Morris distracts the store employee with stupid talk about footballs and they sneak in the store and zip themselves up in the tent.
It’s a good thing they just happened to do this in the last minute the store is open because now Frankie and Louie can’t get to them and they can have their giant orgy in the sporting goods store that does the worst job in the world of making sure all employees are out before they lock up. This is worse than that Night at the Museum film.
In the morning, they’re somehow first in line for tickets but, when they go to pay for them, discover the money is gone. Cue ironic cartoon music here.
Back at the food court, they decide Lisa must have accidentally switched boxes when she was in the shoe store yesterday, which makes no sense whatsoever since she hid the money in one of the boxes of shoes that she had already bought.
They go to the shoe store and check every box in the store. No, really, the store lets them check every box in the store and says not a word about it. What kind of fucking mall is this? I want Al Bundy to come out and bitch slap all five of them to hell.
Wouldn’t you know it, there’s one box left and the old woman from the U2 line gets to it first. Oh, the hilarity! Lisa distracts her by telling her Kevin Costner has his cock out and the gang take the box which, somehow, does indeed have the money.
They end up in a bridal store dressed in wedding clothes, complete with Screech as the priest. That’s strangely appropriate, and maybe a dress rehearsal for Wedding in Las Vegas. Also, what is up with these stores? Did they not notice five teenagers come into the store, dress in clothes, and hide in the store window? Jesus, this mall must have the worst problem with theft!
They finally decide they have to return the money so they shoplift the bridal clothes and find the security guard from yesterday. Frankie and Louie come in and the guard tells them he’s with the gangsters. They just stand there during apparent threats but suddenly a camera crew comes out and reveals they’re on “Candid Video.”
Yes, a camera crew from a Candid Camera rip off followed around a group of teenagers for two days, had two actors pretend to be gangsters and chase them around the mall, and left $5,000 just lying around the mall. THAT MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING SENSE!!!
*bangs his head against the wall, loudly*
Let’s ignore the fact that five minors can’t legally give consent to be on a show like this. Let’s focus on the rest of the idiocy of this scenario. We saw Frankie and Louie’s conversation with each other when none of the gang were around! Why would they be acting even when noon was around to hear them?!?! And why would a show focus on five teenagers for two fucking days when they had no idea what these teenagers would even do!!! God, there are days I hate this show!!!
But then I remember I have a The New Class episode to review from Monday and suddenly this seems like cinematic gold.Anyway, the episode ends with the security guard, who is also the host of the show, giving the gang five front row tickets to U2. Zack Morris suggests they sell the tickets and the rest of the gang prepare to murder him for even suggesting this episode should be a two parter.