Monthly Archives: January 2015

Saved by the Bell Season 3, Episode 21: “No Hope With Dope”

Since I’ve been doing this for a year now, I thought I’d let you in on my process. I always view episodes once so I can take screenshots and think of what I’m going to say. I write the actual review while I’m viewing the episode a second time and sometimes take a break in between the two, as I did today.

As I was on my way to the train station during my break, I passed a couple crouching behind a bush trying to smoke a joint clandestinely. Remembering the lesson I learned tonight from this episode, I told them, “There’s no hope with dope!”

“But why?” they asked.

“Because…there’s no hope!” I told them.

“But we enjoy it and it’s not harming you!”

“But…there’s no hope with dope!” That’s when they told me to leave them the hell alone before they shanked me with a broken beer bottle. I don’t know what I did wrong! I applied everything Saved by the Bell taught me in this episode! Maybe I’ll figure it out in the review…
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We open at Bayside where the great actor Johnny Dakota is visiting. You remember Johnny Dakota, right? He was in all those great films like … and … Yeah, they just made him up, didn’t they? You know, if they were going to make up someone, I’d have rather they brought back Stevie just so I could see her fall from grace.

Lisa’s in love with Johnny Dakota and Zack Morris immediately takes to Johnny so he can go up a few more pegs on the scale. Zack Morris takes Johnny to Mr. Belding’s office where he introduces Johnny to his Dick which, no joke, is what people call Mr. Belding all through this episode.

Turns out Johnny is looking for a school to film an anti-drug PSA for NBC. Zack Morris senses the opportunity for exploitation and decides it’s time to convince Johnny to stay at Bayside for about seventeen more minutes.vlcsnap-2015-01-16-17h29m26s165

He starts with a well choreographed song from the gang and random extras about how they won’t use drugs. They must all be telepathic or else write anti-drug raps in their spare time because they all magically know the lyrics to this song despite having about three minutes to write it.

Johnny’s still not sure so Jessie talks about academics and shit. They go off to talk as Kelly runs up excited because she saw Johnny Dakota’s limo. Wait…how does everyone know that particular limo is Johnny’s? Does it have a giant cut out of Johnny’s head on the side?
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Zack Morris introduces Kelly to Johnny and that’s the clincher. Because Johnny’s heard the reputation of Bayside students, and Kelly in particular, for dating older men, he sees the opportunity to get some great underage poon. vlcsnap-2015-01-16-17h31m08s161

It must be some time later but I only guessed because everyone’s wearing different clothes and a full crew has moved into Bayside’s single classroom. Johnny shows Kelly a storyboard and tells the one on the right is Kelly. You know, I never picked Kelly for being a Charlie Brown look alike but, you know, whatever.

Johnny wastes no time and asks Kelly out. Kelly’s like, “What the hell! He’s not the first adult I’ve dated this season!”
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Meanwhile, Zack Morris is doing what Zack Morris does best and trying to profit off Johnny Dakota being there. Profit apparently means trying to sell doorknobs Johnny touched or sunglasses with his sweat and eyelashes on them. EEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!  Mr. Belding comes up and tries to put a stop to this most disgusting form of entrepreneur spirit but Johnny comes in and says that it’s okay because he gave Zack Morris permission to sell them and give the profits to an anti-drug charity.

Zack Morris thanks Johnny for saving him and Johnny says that Zack Morris reminds him of himself when he was in high school he gives Zack Morris his jacket to sell and Zack Morris decides he wants to keep a little piece of Johnny close to his body.

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We follow the boys in the restroom where this man way too old to be a student at Bayside throws a paper towel at Zack Morris. We’ll soon find out his name is Scud and, yes, Scud has a purpose.

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Slater finds a joint on the floor, calls it a roach, and Screech runs out doing the usual Screech stupidity. Zack Morris and Slater decide to try and hide the joint from Johnny to prevent it from casting a negative shadow on Bayside that someone dares to do a mostly harmless narcotic, but Johnny walks in and drills them on the joint. Zack Morris and Slater are all, “We’re too lame to ever do marijuana!” and Johnny instantly believes them, flushing the joint down the toilet. He asks both of them to be in the PSA.vlcsnap-2015-01-16-17h35m37s51 Turns out the entire PSA is our gang plus a girl too old to be a student at Bayside. Yes, this is the meat of the episode, where we’re going to talk about why drugs are so bad. So here are our answers:

Screech: One twigie and I’m out of control. You know, Screech high might actually be a pleasant change on this show, or The New Class. It would make him interesting until he found a way to be annoying high.

Random Girl: Her brother used drugs, drove to the beach, and is now in a wheelchair. It makes sense! Drugs made her brother’s legs fall off!

Slater: Len Bias, the NBA player, died because of drugs! Yeah, Bias’s death was tragic. He od’ed on cocaine in 1986. What does that have to do with marijuana, which is the drug most often referenced in this episode and the one actually used! That’s like comparing heroin to Tylenol!

Zack Morris: John Belushi died because of drugs! Yeah, Belushi’s death was tragic, od’ing on a mixture of cocaine and heroin. Once again, what the hell does that have to do with marijuana?

Kelly: I don’t get it; I just don’t see why people do it! Yeah, and I don’t get why a pretty teenage girl would date men in their twenties, but you do it anyway, Kelly!

Jessie: I once was hooked on caffeine pills! Yes, you keep telling yourself that Jessie, and my readers can go back and read my review of the most unintentionally hilarious episode in this franchise’s history if they want to relive it.

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Johnny goes to get his director so he can actually tape the gang saying all this stuff when in walks Scud. Turns out he’s random girl’s boyfriend. The boys start thinking and realize Scud was in the bathroom, and the joint was in the bathroom, so Scud must be the pothead! Great logic there, guys.

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The boys go in the bathroom where they find Scud smoking a cigarette. Screech overreacts, as usual, and they briefly consider giving Scud a lecture on the dangers of cigarettes, but they realize how lame that would make the episode so, instead, Peter Engel jots it down as an idea in case he’s desperate for story concepts on a stupid rip off of Saved by the Bell four years from now.

At The Max, Johnny and Kelly are on their first date when Lisa and Jessie walk in to interview Johnny for the paper. The only purpose of this scene is to emphasize how much Johnny gives spontaneous orgasms to Lisa and how much Johnny loves underage girls. Zack Morris comes in to waste some more time by asking for an autographed photo for Mr. Belding’s wife. Finally, Johnny invites six underage kids to a party at his house where I’m sure nothing will go wrong.vlcsnap-2015-01-16-17h40m22s76

Time for the party, and Screech dresses as a retarded version of Buffalo Bill from The Silence of the Lambs. A recurring gag in this scene is that girls won’t give a second look at Slater which, why does he care? Isn’t he dating Jessie?
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Johnny hooks Zack Morris with two women too old for him. Statutory rape all around!vlcsnap-2015-01-16-17h41m42s117

Jessie and Lisa are excited because they got to dance with Storm Sutherland and Luke Diamond, obviously two of the hottest hunks in Hollywood no one who hasn’t watched Saved by the Bell has ever heard of.vlcsnap-2015-01-16-17h42m30s75

And, much to Slater’s dismay, Screech’s Buffalo Bill get-up actually makes a girl think Screech is attractive. Miracles do happen! Screech tries to impress the girl by pretending to be Johnny’s stunt double, and he manages to throw his back out falling off the back of a couch. Bravo, Screech. Your stupidity level just rose by 500 points.

Slater, Jessie, and Lisa decide to take Screech home since they’re not getting laid and Zack Morris helps them carry him out. vlcsnap-2015-01-16-17h43m49s112

This leaves Johnny and Kelly alone at last. Well, as alone as you can be with a house full of extras. Time for some underage groping!vlcsnap-2015-01-16-17h44m04s253

But Johnny’s groping of Kelly is interrupted by a random guy with a joint. Yeah, this would have been really great with Stevie! Show how much Stevie’s gone down in the world since she met Zack Morris!

Johnny offers the joint to Kelly, and we cut to commercial with an implication that Kelly’s considering it. Yeah, as if Kelly would do even the softest drugs. This is the goody two shoes who sees the best in everyone, even Screech!

After a commercial break, Zack Morris comes back in to find Johnny’s friends actually peer pressuring Kelly into trying marijuana. Yeah, there’s your real very special episode: adults with inappropriate senses of boundaries who hang out with and try to force stuff on teens. Zack Morris rescues Kelly and takes her home.

The next day, it’s time to shoot the commercial, but Zack Morris confronts Johnny about his marijuana use. Johnny’s defense is basically, “It’s my life. Fuck off.” He has a point. Johnny’s biggest sin, besides his propensity for underage girls, is his hypocrisy. If he wasn’t shooting PSA’s telling kids not to do drugs, I’d be rooting for him right now. But Zack Morris doesn’t give a damn. He wore Johnny’s jacket just so he can take it off and give it back to him, much like when the Rigmas humiliated him back in Good Morning, Miss Bliss.

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The gang one by one decide to walk out on Johnny as Mr. Belding wonders what the hell is going on. The straw that broke the camel’s back is when Kelly walks out on him, and Johnny’s all, “I can’t believe that, in the early ’90s, someone is calling me on anti-drug hypocrisy!”

In Mr. Belding’s office, the gang explain what happened, and Mr. Belding tells the gang he’s proud of them for being the squarest possible students in the world. The gang decide that NBC probably won’t be shooting the PSA at Bayside, but Mr. Belding says he knows someone who might be able to help.vlcsnap-2015-01-16-17h47m11s69

And Mr. Belding’s solution is some fictional guy named “Brandon Tartikoff,” who’s supposed to be the “President of NBC Entertainment.”  Yeah, as if anyone would believe this guy was real! They might as well have brought Johnny back in to shoot the PSA!

Yes, I know Brandon Tartikoff was real before the comments section blows up. What the hell is he doing at Bayside, though? Well, turns out he grew up with “Dick” and wanted to be a high school principal while “Dick” wanted to go into show business. They were both chasing after the same girl but “Dick” got her and put his dick in her. She was the school superintendent’s daughter, which apparently got Mr. Belding a job as Bayside’s principal and Brandon couldn’t get a job..

That is the weakest, stupidest excuse for Brandon Tartikoff to be at Bayside I could have possibly imagined. He dropped everything because he credits Mr. Belding with pushing him towards show business! Well, nothing else has made sense in this episode. Why start now?

There’s also a meta reference where Brandon Tartikoff suggests doing a sitcom about a principal and his kids. Way to make a joke that none of the kids will get since they’ll have no idea Good Morning, Miss Bliss was originally Tartikoff’s idea.

The gang watch the PSA and it’s one of the most infamous scenes in the franchise. So what do I think of it?

First of all, the audience doesn’t seem to know how to react to this as there’s some nervous laughter over the part with Screech being in his locker. Second, this is the worst propaganda I’ve ever seen. There’s no reason not to do it in the PSA. Just some rhetorical peer pressure. “Oh, no! Not the dreaded drugs!” Third, and this annoys the hell out of me, they conflated all drugs into one horrible very special episode. Even Jessie’s caffeine pills make an appearance. Some drugs are dangerous, as they do actually point out. But marijuana and caffeine pills are not the evil this episode makes them out to be. Like people who are drinking alcohol, many people can do it safely and responsibly, but a small percentage can’t, and that’s okay. But don’t fucking blanket generalize everyone!

Also, they totally fuck up the last sequence which we just saw them shoot. In the first scene, Brandon Tartikoff was sitting on the desk and the gang joined him. In the finished product, Zack Morris was sitting on the desk and everyone else, Tartikoff included, joined him. Come on, it couldn’t have been that hard to get simple staging right!
vlcsnap-2015-01-16-17h49m18s37So my mistake in approaching the couple smoking marijuana? Taking fucking advice on drugs from Saved by the Bell. I swear, if this episode were full of any more propaganda, I’d expect Hitler to jump out and do a waltz while shouting anti-Semetic phrases.

The New Class Season 3, Episode 3: “Driving School”

You know, we had two episodes in a row of The New Class that weren’t exactly good, but were a huge improvement over last season. I had high hopes this trend would continue. Then this episode came along. This horrible rip-off of two Saved by the Bell episodes as well as a season one episode of The New Class. Oh, the things I watch for this site.

*sigh* Here we go.vlcsnap-2015-01-12-18h33m17s92 We open with Maria super-stoaked that her father is buying her a Cherokee for her upcoming sixteenth birthday. No, not a Native American, although that wouldn’t surprise me in the least coming from this show, but a car. Meanwhile, Lindsay turns down a date to The Max after school with Ryan so she can illegally practice driving with Tommy D. Wait…Lindsay is just learning to drive? She’s at least a junior, maybe a senior, by now. Why is she just now learning to drive? Why do I expect this show to have a chronology that makes sense?!?! Anyway, Ryan decides the only way to get Lindsay to go with him instead of Tommy D is to get his own car. Blah blah blah.

Mr. Belding and Screech come in and exposit on how Mr. Belding appointed the world’s most incompetent administrative assistant as a driver’s ed teacher, both because Mr. Tuttle refused to suffer the indignity of being on this show and because you apparently don’t need a teacher’s license or anything to teach in the state of California. This experience has turned Screech into a parking Nazi and he tells Mr. Belding that his car, which is named “Henrietta,” is being towed because it’s an inch over the parking line. It…so does not work that way. I get they’re trying to exaggerate things for humor but it doesn’t work if a) it’s not funny and b) it’s so transparently incorrect you don’t have to think about it.
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Now it’s time for the worst driver’s ed class in the history of everything. Seriously…seriously…steering wheels on top of the desks…Mr. Tuttle’s airport shuttle was a more accurate depiction of driver’s ed classes. What are they going to learn from this? What can they possibly learn from this I ask you?!?!

We quickly establish in this scene that Maria has no clue about driving and does not belong on the road because she’s a smart ass.

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We also meet Arthur, who’s excited by Rachel’s new-found lack of boyfriend. He wants to bang the bejesus out of her but she wants nothing to do with him because he’s trying too hard to be as snobbish as Maxwell Nerdstrom.

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And, no joke, Screech’s method of teaching driver’s ed is to put on a gorilla mask and ask the students what they would do. How has he not been fired yet, or Mr. Belding fired for continuing to place him in situations the mentally ill should not be in? R.J.’s not worried about the gorilla, though, because he keeps a banana in his pocket. Screech is sure to go for bananas in teenagers’ pockets. Also, there’s a final tomorrow.

Tommy D walks in immediately after the bell rings, having been loitering outside the door rather than in class, and takes Lindsay for a “parking lesson,” which I assume is slang for “quick blowjob behind the Wal-Mart.” Ryan gets jealous and asks R.J. to chip in some money so they can buy a car, but R.J. has no money, so they turn to Rachel to chip in as well. She only has $20, so Ryan gets the best course of action is to get more partners, because nothing can go wrong with that idea.
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Now this episode has only been bad so far. Here’s where it starts getting really terrible. Since Milton and Ron aren’t available this week, we have these two dip shits who make Milton and Ron’s performances look Emmy worthy by comparison. They’re easily manipulated into giving Ryan money with the suggestion that a car will make girls want to fuck them.vlcsnap-2015-01-12-18h38m21s56

Our next contestants are two of the worst actors to ever portray extras in this franchise. They’re football players and, of course, way too old to be playing high school students. The one on the left annoys the hell out of me because his idea of being a jock is speaking with one of the worst fake lisps I’ve heard in my life. I hope we never have to see him beyond this episode. R.J. sells them on the car thing with promises of a Chinese restaurant in the vicinity.

vlcsnap-2015-01-12-18h38m49s83Finally, Rachel sells four band geeks on the car with promises of a car to drive their instruments home in after band practice. First, why the hell are they dressed in a marching band uniform when they’re not marching? THAT’S NOT THE FUCKING WAY IT WORKS!!! Second, can they be any less transparent with this subplot? They’ve just sold rights on a car to eleven different people. Gee, I wonder what’s going to happen?

Maria comes in and brags about her car and says she can get a Nintendo put in. I wish I could play Nintendo right now.

Back at Bayside, Screech tells Mr. Belding almost everyone passed the Driver’s Ed final and also informs him that he’s continuing this kick of being a driving Nazi by having Mr. Belding’s car inspected. There are some violations that he’s going to have Tommy D fix because we need to advance the plot.
vlcsnap-2015-01-12-18h41m02s119 Mr. Belding leaves to inspect his car as Maria comes in. Turns out she failed the final and begs Screech to pass her so she can get the car. Screech, because he has no professional boundaries, agrees because Maria bugs him enough and asks him to have a heart.

After a commercial break, Ryan asks Lindsay to the beach in the car he doesn’t have yet. R.J. comes in and tells him he still needs $600.
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Arthur comes in and asks Rachel to be his date to Maria’s party. Rachel tells him to fuck off before she rips his penis off. After she leaves, though, Ryan tells him that Rachel really wants his hot ass but is too distracted by her lack of car. He gives Ryan the $600 for the car as Arthur goes off thinking he’s getting lucky.vlcsnap-2015-01-12-18h44m14s2

Of course Maria’s party is being thrown at The Max. Where else would it be held? I mean, fuck, this place seems to do nothing but cater to the whims of students at Bayside. It’s no wonder they once almost went out of business.vlcsnap-2015-01-12-18h46m03s68

Naturally, Maria invited one of her teachers to her party and, continuing on the theme of Screech not understanding appropriate faculty/student relations, goes. Maria’s father thanks Screech for doing such a good job teaching Maria driver’s ed. Screech feels guilty that he’s so easily manipulated. Also, the band members continue to wear their marching band uniforms at Maria’s party. Seriously, real kids don’t do this!!!

Arthur asks Rachel to dance and, though she tells him to fuck off at first, Ryan convinces her to dance. After a really horrible attempt to sexually harass Rachel, Arthur reveals he gave Ryan the money for the car and she goes over to kill Ryan.

Tommy D comes in with Lindsay and tells Screech he accidentally locked Mr. Belding’s keys in the trunk…somehow. Going down in the book of, “why the hell are you keeping this secret?,” Screech tells Tommy D they can sneak into his office and get his spare set of keys. Really, locking the keys in the car is not a big deal! It happens to the best of us all the time! Why is this a problem!vlcsnap-2015-01-12-18h49m38s175

Maria’s father gives her the keys to the car and she takes the gang sans Tommy D for a spin. Since she’s shitty at driving, she pays more attention to the vanity mirror and radio, even when she’s turning into the school.vlcsnap-2015-01-12-18h50m18s26

This leads her to crash into Mr. Belding’s car in one of the worst cases of cinematography in history. Mr. Ed talking was more convincing than the crash sequence. vlcsnap-2015-01-12-18h51m05s16

Somehow this is a problem because Screech was an idiot and passed Maria when he shouldn’t have. Rather than reporting the accident, they decide the best thing to do is have Tommy D repair the car.vlcsnap-2015-01-12-18h52m03s71

At school the next day, Ryan uses the gang’s money to buy a car identical to Mr. Belding’s. They proceed to stare like the children of the corn because that’s their idea of acting natural.vlcsnap-2015-01-12-18h52m36s156

Mr. Belding wants his car back but Screech can’t stop making demon possession sounds so Ryan tells Mr. Belding that Tommy D is finishing it up. Ryan wants to distract Mr. Belding with his new car, but the eight other owners of the car pick that moment to want to take it out for a spin…and of course the band members are still wearing the marching band uniforms since they’re apparently a part of their skin now.vlcsnap-2015-01-12-18h54m46s173

Ryan gets word to Screech about the car, and Screech uses his great skills in paddy cake to try to keep Mr. Belding from looking out the window. He does, though, and sees some really horrible stereotypes sitting in what he believes is his car.

Mr. Belding goes out to find out what’s going on and, for some reason, automatically assumes Ryan’s behind the whole thing. vlcsnap-2015-01-12-18h55m52s64

Everyone starts arguing about who owns the car when Tommy D comes out and, in a signature stupid Tommy D move, blurts out directly in front of Mr. Belding that he needs another part for the car. Screech and Maria come clean and Mr. Belding is all, “That’s okay! You learned a lesson so the only consequence is Maria has to take Driver’s Ed against next semester!” Seriously, Screech does not get fired for this. Can he do nothing worthy of termination at this school? vlcsnap-2015-01-12-18h57m09s70However, Ryan gets detention because his deception was the worse than misusing his power or getting into a hit and run accident. Geez, priorities Mr. Belding! Ryan’s the least of your worries in this episode! You have a non-teacher who’s abused his power and another student who committed a felony and you’re worried about cover-ups and lies, which technically every member of the gang did this week? I’m sorry to say but I think Ryan’s getting shafted here.

Arthur comes up asking Rachel why she’s avoiding him. She tells him to fuck off back to whatever hole the casting director found him in so he demands his money back from Ryan. Ryan agrees to sell the car and pay everyone back and our episode ends with Ryan asking Lindsay to still go to the beach with him but on the bus, because only poor and old people take the bus!

Saved by the Bell Season 3, Episode 20: “Hold Me Tight”

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Our episode opens at wrestling tryouts, where the writers remembered they did an episode last season where the gang worked for the school radio station, KKTY, the best country music in Douglas, Wyoming! For some reason, Zack Morris is there covering tryouts on behalf of the radio station because…radio stations apparently cover tryouts, and he witnesses Slater apparently assaulting a random boy who was cutting through the gym. Unfortunately, his engineer happens to be a complete dumb ass who didn’t broadcast throughout the interview. Three guesses who that character could be.

In comes a girl to sign up for the wrestling team and Zack Morris is all, “WHHHHHAAAATTTT! A girl on the wrestling team? Don’t be preposterous! Just get your pretty little ass in my kitchen and cook for me!”vlcsnap-2015-01-09-20h44m52s185

Mr. Sonski, the auto mechanics teacher from “Wicked Stepbrother,” is the wrestling coach, and he agrees with Zack Morris’s misogyny as he suggests the girl, Kristy Barnes, should just go to the home ec room and make some brownies so he can keep his weight on. Also, there’s a match with Valley scheduled for next week. Isn’t a week after tryouts a bit soon for a match with your major rival? I mean, I know we often stretch believability on this show, but wouldn’t that give the team no time to prepare?

Zack Morris suddenly has a brain storm that the best way to get laid is to support women, so he suddenly wants to help Kristy get on the team. He takes her to the radio station and introduces her to Jessie and Lisa. Of course, Jessie’s quasi-feminism kicks in and she wants to help bring Kristy’s case to Mr. Belding.
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Unfortunately, Mr. Belding chooses that moment to come in and completely be an unreasonable jackass by saying he heard from Mr. Sonski that a girl wants to be on the wrestling team! A girl! Sexism is so hilarious!vlcsnap-2015-01-09-20h47m08s10

At The Max, the gang listen to Jessie broadcast a show that actually reminds me quite a bit of Bill O’Reilly in that she not only broadcasts news of Mr. Belding and Mr. Sonski’s sexism, but also plays some pig sound effects to emphasize that her attacks are ad hominem. It all makes sense now! After her failed stint as a stripper, Jessie became conservative and turned into Elizabeth Hasselbeck!

vlcsnap-2015-01-09-20h48m24s251Well, Jessie’s broadcast motivates every female extra the casting department could find to go to the gym and protest Mr. Sonski’s sexism. Mr. Sonski doesn’t seem very moved by the dozen or so protesters the producers could afford but the girls won’t be moved.
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In walks Mr. Belding, and the girls surround him, presumably to sacrifice him to a golden image of Betty Friedan. Okay, this is ridiculous. I’m a feminist, yes, but this isn’t the way to achieve change. A school protest covered by the school radio station isn’t going to bring the level of public scrutiny necessary to change the minds of two very prejudiced men. We had a school protest my freshman year of high school and you know what happened? The principal suspended every single person involved. This would not work in real life.

But Slater decides that he’s seen enough of this bullshit and that, if no one else is going to do it, he’s going to be the voice of reason. He convinces Mr. Sonski to give Kristy a chance.vlcsnap-2015-01-09-20h50m20s127

And Kristy promptly wrestles an extra identified as one of Bayside’s best wrestlers to the ground, instantly winning the approval and admiration of both Mr. Sonski and Mr. Belding. Gee, it’s nice to see that bigotry is so easily overcome. Considering Mr. Sonski called over the wrestler named Rodriguez with Speedy Gonzales’s catch phrase, “Andale!” I think Bayside’s insensitivity is in no danger of dying anytime soon.

Also, safety is not first at Bayside since no wrestlers wear protective gear in this episode. Seriously, how does Bayside keep from getting sued constantly.vlcsnap-2015-01-09-20h51m08s101

Kristy is grateful to Zack Morris for helping her and tells him she’s got a little something something in her pants for him later.vlcsnap-2015-01-09-20h52m10s213

At The Max, the gang celebrate with Kristy as Slater shows he hasn’t lost his sexist edge by doing a kissy face on Jessie. Slater asks Kristy where she learned the move she used and she says from him. Turns out she watched Slater use it on Niedick, the Valley wrestler from “Pinned to the Mat.” Whoa, whoa, there, Saved by the Bell. You’re remembering way too many things from past episodes! You better slow down there or people are going to think you have continuity or something!

Anyway, Kristy’s admiration of Slater’s wrestling of course triggers Bitch Jessie, who instantly believes that Kristy wants to jump Slater’s bone. Slater and Kristy go off so Slater can teach Kristy some new moves, which Jessie thinks is obviously code for, “Fuck like porn stars.” Also, bizarrely, we learn that Screech likes eating wax candles and cupcake wrappers. It has nothing else to do with this episode, but I think the producers are on a mission to make Screech as oddly stupid as possible.vlcsnap-2015-01-09-20h53m19s104

Zack Morris sneaks in the girl’s locker room to a startled Pamela Anderson changing for Baywatch. His stated purpose is to interview Kristy, so his interview consists of him hitting on Kristy.  Lisa, meanwhile, sneaks in and overhears Zack Morris asking Kristy out.vlcsnap-2015-01-09-20h54m52s35

Mr. Belding hears Zack Morris’s broadcast and tries to catch him while covering his eyes to keep from seeing high school boobies. Zack Morris sneaks out and, instead, Mr. Belding gets an arm full of Pamela Anderson who’s wondering why all men at Bayside are complete perverts.vlcsnap-2015-01-09-20h55m03s159Lisa takes the news that Zack Morris and Kristy are dating to her gossip show, but she doesn’t name names. She only refers to them as the lady wrestler and school hunk dating. vlcsnap-2015-01-09-20h55m35s216

Jessie reacts as expected: by completely flipping out in a jealous rage and turning into the Incredible Hulk.  vlcsnap-2015-01-09-20h56m11s61

Slater shows Kristy some square dancing moves, and Jessie comes through and screams, not approving of their love of traditional country dancing.vlcsnap-2015-01-09-20h57m27s55

At The Max following Zack Morris and Kristy’s date, a random Valley student comes in talking shit to Zack Morris and tries a wrestling move on him. Kristy jumps in and saves Zack Morris and suddenly Zack Morris feels his penis shrink up into his body.

Back at the radio station, Jessie becomes the sexist she despises by giving an editorial about how women shouldn’t be allowed to wrestle after all because they might try to steal her boyfriend. Slater comes in and calls Jessie’s hypocrisy. After Jessie expresses her jealousy, Slater calls her a fucking insane bitch and leaves.

At The Max, Zack Morris breaks off a date with Kristy. She quickly figures out that he’s feeling emasculated that she saved him from an evil Valley student and says she’s fucking tired of these assholes and that she’s quitting the wrestling team.vlcsnap-2015-01-09-21h01m33s158

Zack Morris convinces an insane Jessie that Kristy wants Zack Morris and not Slater. They both decide they were idiots and Zack Morris decides he has to keep her from quitting the team.vlcsnap-2015-01-09-21h02m17s145

He does this by sneaking in the girl’s locker room again at the risk of running into Pamela Anderson again. Zack Morris says his gender stereotypes briefly overpowered his desire to get laid and he feels stupid that almost turned down a chance to get laid. They make up and Zack Morris agrees to take her to the movies.vlcsnap-2015-01-09-21h04m19s66

Oh, boy! It’s time for the big wrestling match with Valley! Slater quickly beats his opponent in less than ten seconds because we’re running short on time. After Jessie apologizes to Kristy and Slater, Kristy has some trouble with her opponent. Zack Morris tells her to use the move she used at The Max, and it turns out Zack Morris is a better coach than Mr. Sonski because this helps her win. Since Kristy and Slater are the only two people on the wrestling team that matter, that means Bayside wins the meet. Yay.vlcsnap-2015-01-09-21h05m32s50Kristy gets carries away and wrestles Zack Morris to the floor, ready to rip off his clothes. Our episode ends with Kristy remembering that lots of people are watching and letting Zack Morris up to make a comment about her being his fuck for later that evening.

The New Class Season 3, Episode 2: “Love Bugs”

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We open with Maria showing her new found Bayside spirit by threatening to cut off Ron’s balls and feed them to him if he doesn’t get off the phone so she can try to win tickets to “Grunge Fest” from a radio station. Ron very helpfully agrees to get off the phone as he runs away peeing himself. Maria, however, is unable to get through because the line is busy.

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Tommy D continues his quest to try and get back with Lindsay since he knows she’s the only girl who will ever give him the time of day. Tommy D finally tells Lindsay how he feels, but Ryan comes up to take Lindsay to lunch, and Tommy D promptly invites himself along, determined not to be cock blocked.
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Remember that one kid who would play Copy Cat with you and annoy the living fuck out of you? Well that’s Screech during this episode. He’s deliberately annoying the fuck out of Mr. Belding so he can convince Mr. Belding to buy a new high tech communications system. Mr. Belding finally tells Screech he can do whatever the hell he wants as long as he stops annoying himvlcsnap-2015-01-02-19h01m08s148

At The Max, Lindsay totally has Tommy D and Ryan whipped into doing her every command because she’s apparently the most desired girl in Los Angeles. They both want to be her love slave to prove their devotion so she takes full advantage of it.

vlcsnap-2015-01-02-19h01m41s232Maria continues her quest to get tickets to Grunge Fest. When she realizes R.J. is on the phone with them, she promptly grabs away his cell phone and tries to claim his free tickets. She…seriously needs to be slapped right now. Seriously, is this her entire personality: being an abrasive bitch? Oh, but the battery goes dead! Too bad!

R.J. puts a new battery in. Maria doesn’t want to try again because she’s tired of trying so Lindsay tries instead. Despite the fact that Maria says she’s been trying to get through for two days and the line is constantly busy, Lindsay gets right through and wins two tickets. Ryan and Tommy D fight over who Lindsay’s going to take and Lindsay just can’t decide between Arrogant and Brainless. Uh, why not pick R.J. since you did use his fucking phone! Jesus, people are rude in this episode!

In the time honored tradition of Saved by the Bell, Rachel decides the best way to choose is to have a slumber party and have Maria and her help Lindsay pick. Or…you could flip a coin like a rational human being. But, oh joy, we get to rip off the slumber party episode…again. I swear, if Tommy D dresses in drag, I’m quitting this blog.
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Back at Bayside, Mr. Belding feels like Madonna wearing a wireless headset that they emphasize Screech bought with school funds without prior authorization for $1,000. Mr. Belding is easily impressed that the headset is wireless. Next he’ll be impressed the light switch makes the room light and dark.

Tommy D comes in to give Mr. Belding his car keys. Seems he’s still Mr. Belding’s personal auto mechanic this season and gave it a tune up. He hears Mr. Belding on the radio and Screech explains about the new equipment. He then…randomly tells Tommy D about the time Zack Morris and he bugged a slumber party. Seriously, it just came the fuck out of nowhere. Of course, this gives Tommy D the idea to bug the girls’ slumber party because contrivances are contrived. Also, Mr. Belding manages to fall in the pool wearing the headset. Way to go.
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Tommy D sneaks in Lindsay’s room to hide a microphone in one of Lindsay’s bears. vlcsnap-2015-01-02-19h06m24s250

He hears someone coming and hides in the closet thinking it’s Lindsay, but it’s actually Ryan and R.J. come to do the exact same thing because…plot?vlcsnap-2015-01-02-19h06m48s231

The girls really do come this time so Ryan and R.J. hide under the bed. Why is it on television, beds always have enough room to hide under? I was always jealous of this as a kid that my bed was not so designed. vlcsnap-2015-01-02-19h07m40s228

We get our obligatory “the girls almost discover the boys” gags, including all three girls trying to open the closet as Tommy D tries to keep it shut. Judging by the look on Rachel’s face, though, I think she’s enjoying holding onto Maria more than getting the door open.

The boys are saved by the arrival of pizza and, given the usual trend in this franchise, I’m surprised the pizza man didn’t just come to her bedroom door but actually rang the front door. Ryan and R.J. sneak out first, followed shortly by Tommy D when Lindsay comes back to get money where Tommy D quite literally hides under a rug.

Ryan and R.J. set up base at The Max, where whoever owns it now just lets them set up lots of electronic equipment, apparently.
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Tommy D sets up in Mr. Belding’s office and looks prepared to orgasm over his burrito. Screech comes in to pick up the equipment and send it back, and he’s shocked to find out his contrived line actually lead to Tommy D bugging a slumber party. Mr. Belding comes in randomly and reminds Screech that, if anything happens to the equipment, the company won’t take it back.

Screech tells Tommy D he has to be honest with Lindsay if he wants to get back with her so he needs to tell her he was eavesdropping on her. vlcsnap-2015-01-02-19h11m03s213

Screech then pulls off the receiver, causing it to explode in a giant puff of smoke that makes me wonder if it’s powered by miniature nuclear power. This sends feedback to both Ryan and R.J. at The Max as well as the girls at the slumber party. Maria discovers the bug and a packet of salsa. Knowing that Tommy D loves carrying salsa in his jacket since…the beginning of this episode…Lindsay decides that it must be Tommy D who bugged the slumber party, and she plans revenge with the girls. All this time, I’m not sure what’s preventing Ryan and R.J. from hearing them, but they don’t somehow because…inverted laws of physics?vlcsnap-2015-01-02-19h11m49s173

Lindsay tells Maria and Rachel in the bear that she wants a guy to sing and dance for the one he loved like an old musical and that, if a guy did that for her, she’d definitely go out with him.

vlcsnap-2015-01-02-19h13m02s135The next day, naturally, Ryan comes in and sings and dances for Lindsay, complete with musical accompaniment that must be coming directly from Heaven because there’s nothing there playing the music despite the presence of the music. Lindsay feels bad she blamed Tommy D for the eavesdropping when it’s obvious Ryan’s the piece of crap.

Meanwhile, Tommy D tells Screech no one in the school shop class can fix the radio equipment, because school shop classes are the number one places to take broken radio equipment to be repaired. Screech tells Tommy D that Mr. Belding is going to kill him and reminds Tommy D he needs to confess his crimes to Lindsay.

Tommy D goes over to the girls but, before he can confess, Lindsay asks him to Grunge Fest. That’s suddenly enough for him not to want to confess anymore so he just forgets about it and walks away. Screech comes up and, in his usual dumb ass fashion, butts his nose into the gang’s business and tells Lindsay that he hopes she can eventually forgive Tommy D. Lindsay says there’s no way she’d go with either of these idiots but that she will teach them a lesson.

Screech meanwhile can’t bring himself to tell Mr. Belding about the equipment because…conflict…so he just randomly hits on Mr. Belding, since that makes everything so much better.
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At The Max, Lindsay tells Ryan and Tommy D that she’s getting into the spirit of Grunge Fest. She says she will take whichever one of them can make themselves look more like this show’s idea of grunge that has nothing to do with actual grunge since the writers are trying to be hip about something they obviously don’t know anything about. Yes, they are definitely confusing punk and ska with grunge. Their idea is for Maria to shave their heads and Rachel to pierce their noses. vlcsnap-2015-01-02-19h17m07s15

And R.J. comes running in, pretending to be the latest victim of Rachel’s male mutilating ways. Yeah, it’s like he’s actually trying to cover up his red nose. Both Ryan and Tommy D run away in fear that they too might fall victim to adults not understanding the hip new trends.

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In the gym, Screech holds a clothing sale to try and raise $1,000 so Mr. Belding need never know about his latest bout of idiocy. Things go south, though, when Rachel, Maria, and Ron recognize some of the stuff as theirs and Screech reveals he got all the stuff from lost and found.

Ryan and Tommy D both come in to see Lindsay with a normal head of hair. Ryan and Tommy D both figure out the other bugged the slumber party despite the fact that Tommy D was there when Ryan and R.J. entered the room and should have heard them talking. But this is Tommy D we’re talking about and he is a complete moron.

Lindsay says she’s not taking either of these brain trusts to Grunge Fest and is, instead, taking Maria since, at least then, she has a bodyguard in case the actual grungers come after them for completely misunderstanding the genre of music. R.J. comes in all high and mighty without a bandage and tells them they were dumb for bugging Lindsay’s room, despite the fact that R.J. helped Ryan set up the equipment, which actually makes him just as culpable as Ryan and Tommy D, but this is The New Class we’re talking about and no one cares about what makes sense. Screech tells Tommy D he should have confessed sooner and a voice under a football helmet tells Screech he should have taken that advice himself.
vlcsnap-2015-01-02-19h20m09s50It’s Mr. Belding, telling Screech he found the broken equipment and was able to repair it because he was once in the ham radio club. Yeah, BULL FUCKING SHIT! Solid state equipment is not that easy to fix. And our episode ends with Screech practically orgasming over Mr. Belding’s ability to fix his stupid mistakes.

 

Saved by the Bell Season 3, Episode 19: “Palm Springs Weekend, Part 2”

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Welcome back to Marriott’s Desert Springs Hotel, still a very likely place Jessie’s father might own. Seriously, could they not have asked to take down the Marriott name for a day? That simple act would have saved so many continuity problems in this show, not that this franchise ever cared about continuity to begin with, but you know what I mean.

We open with Zack Morris recapping the events of part one, including the fact that the whole Screech falling in water while trying to impress Lisa thing was actually supposed to be a subplot. I think, in this case, the writers may be mistaken as to what the central events to part one that need to be recapped are.
vlcsnap-2014-12-31-13h42m26s106In the fitness center, Lisa practically wets herself over Zack Morris kissing Kelly. She thought it would be at least two more years until they got married, but maybe Zack Morris and Kelly can just have a double wedding with David and Leslie!
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Slater tries to show Screech how to impress a girl with his physical vigor by lifting a dumbbell for these two random women obviously too old for him.

vlcsnap-2014-12-31-13h43m25s182Screech tries to impersonate Slater and ends up looking like Popeye if the sailor man was in the latter stages of dementia.

Meanwhile, Jessie assures Zack Morris that she’s not really going to try and stop her father’s wedding. She promptly delivers a note for Leslie in David’s name cancelling a dinner date between the two of them that night. Is it just me or is Jessie more unlikable than Screech in this episode?

Christina comes in and invites Slater to have dinner with her father that night. He’s all nervous because he’s never had dinner with the king of a fake country before. Though Christina assures him he can just be himself, Slater is the one guy in the world who would possibly ruin his chances with a beautiful princess over insecurities.
vlcsnap-2014-12-31-13h45m11s222 Jessie sweet talks her father into letting her join Leslie and him for dinner, the same dinner that the stupid bitch just cancelled because her quasifeminist principles don’t extend to classism and elitism.

Lisa tries to convince Slater to quit being a fucking nut job about Christina as the fake princess arrives to take Slater to dinner.vlcsnap-2014-12-31-13h46m48s153

At dinner, Slater layers on as much bullshit as he possibly can in an effort to charm Christina’s father. He ends up declaring his father to be a “General Colonel Major,” his mother to be a movie star turned United States Senator, and his grandfather who owned California. Jesus, there’s no sense at all that lying to them might put them off. Poor Slater. He’s only upper middle class and a star athlete. Cry me a river.

David wonders what’s happened to Leslie when she randomly comes up to the table. They figure out David didn’t send the message as we go to commercial break, but, don’t worry, it doesn’t come up in the episode again so nothing to worry about.vlcsnap-2014-12-31-13h49m23s180 At the pool, Screech actually manages to find a girl who thinks he’s attractive and he tries the stupid advice of his book as he tries to be as creepy as possible. He drops the book in the pool and, without the book’s advice, complements her on her big nose and her big butt. She promptly pushes him in the water, thankful to be spared any more of his idiocy.vlcsnap-2014-12-31-13h50m14s161

The rest of the gang watch David and Leslie having fun in the water, and Jessie is all, “How dare they have so much fun together! They act like they really are in love or something!” The gang, sans Slater, join David and Leslie in the water where Jessie challenges David to a race. When David brings Leslie into the race, no joke, Jessie tries to drown Leslie to keep her from winning. Jessie needs to be locked in a mental institution. Immediately. The caffeine pills are still eating her brain cells!vlcsnap-2014-12-31-13h51m25s121

Meanwhile, Christian invites Slater to play tennis with her father and her, which, I assume, is code for “hot incestuous monarch three-way.” Slater tells Christina he can’t see her anymore because he’s a commoner and she’s royalty and he doesn’t know how to act around her…

Seriously, was this episode designed to make me believe half the characters on this show are raving idiots? Because, if it was, it’s working. I already believed Screech was an idiot. Now Slater and Jessie are both looking like morons themselves. Let’s see how many more characters we can diminish by the end of this episode!vlcsnap-2014-12-31-13h53m08s112 At dinner that night, Lisa has a girl boner over how Zack Morris and Kelly are getting back together. But, wouldn’t you know it, Kelly finds the waiter attractive and that somehow is getting in the way of her getting back with Zack Morris because women obviously aren’t allowed to find more than one man at a time attractive. If they use this as an excuse for them not to get back together, my brain might explode. When Zack Morris takes a break in dancing, she tells the worst possible person in the building about her feelings: Screech. She only wants to be Zack Morris’s friend because…she’s scared of cheating on him again? I don’t know. This subplot makes even less sense than Slater’s princess problems.vlcsnap-2014-12-31-13h55m45s162

Speaking of which, Christina finds Slater and tells him it’s whack that he’s being so stupid about her leadership position in a non-existent country and I think threatens to declare war on the Slater household. Slater kisses her, though, and makes everything all better because plot. He also asks her to be his date to the dance since Jessie is being even more psycho than him this episode. We also get a hint of Lichtenbourg’s native language, which seems a horrible mix of French and German. It’s obvious the writers of this show never took a linguistics class.vlcsnap-2014-12-31-13h58m05s24 And now, here’s where Jessie loses her remaining brain cells. Lisa’s taking pictures of Jessie and Leslie in their dresses when Jessie just suddenly burst out that she can’t smile because her father is about to marry “this gold digging bimbo.” Leslie storms out, pissed off, and Lisa tells Jessie she better be glad Jessie didn’t say those things to her or she would have slapped the shit out of her and then slapped even more shit out of her for good measure for being a stupid spoiled whore. Lisa tells Jessie she needs to get the fuck over this whole stupid plot because it’s not up to her who her father marries. See, it’s times like this I love Lisa because she’s the only one with brains enough to call this plot out for the bull shit that it is. It’s like the writers were self-aware how stupid it sounded and vented their own feelings through Lisa.

David comes in and tells Jessie that it’s tough shit she doesn’t want him to marry Leslie so Jessie storms out, saying she won’t be at the wedding.

Kelly comes up to talk to Zack Morris but, before she can, Screech spills the whole thing because you should never trust Screech with anything. They agree to be friends because they need something to do on The College Years and thus ends our “Zack Morris still likes Kelly” subplot. So, I guess that means this episode is also trying to make Zack Morris and Kelly look like idiots. Scary as it is to admit, is Lisa the sanest member of this cast?

Lisa runs in and tells the gang the shit that’s been going down with Jessie. Zack Morris runs off to find Jessie as the rest of the gang stall the wedding by…kidnapping the minister and taking him on a tour of the hotel. No shit. They take the minister and just lead him around the hotel. I couldn’t make this stuff up.vlcsnap-2014-12-31-14h01m52s245 Zack Morris finds Jessie walking towards the bus stop with a single bag in hand and convinces her she’s jealous of Leslie because she’s scared her father loves Leslie more than he loves her, which is bullshit because she’s just a massive hypocrite. Less than thirty seconds of talking with Zack Morris convinces Jessie she’s been unfair to Leslie, and they race off in a golf cart to make the wedding, apparently causing a random guy on the green to lose a $1,000 bet.

As they race towards the hotel, the minister finally manages to get away from the rest of the gang and prepares to start the wedding. Oh, and Christina is nowhere in sight so I guess she figured out how stupid this entire episode is and decided she wanted no further part of it.vlcsnap-2014-12-31-14h05m06s134Zack Morris and Jessie make it back just in the nick of time. Our episode ends with Jessie apologizing to Leslie and David, making everything just fine because Leslie is apparently a saint to have put up with all the stupid crap she did over the last two parts.

The New Class Season 3, Episode 1: “Welcome to Bayside”

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It’s the first day of a new school year and we open the season at Lindsay’s house, where Lindsay and Rachel discover they both have the same horrible taste in clothes as they’ve both dressed up as the Hamburglar in drag. Tommy D comes in and the audience practically has a hernia over the fact he’s still on the show. I don’t get it. Did they think turning on the applause sign more would make him more like Slater? Anyway, he’s an idiot like usual and can’t tell Lindsay and Rachel are modeling for a new McDonald’s ad campaign so Lindsay says fuck this stupid shit and goes to change clothes.

Once Lindsay’s gone, Tommy D confesses to Rachel that he wants to ask Lindsay back out because he’s come to realize she’s the only woman who will ever find his idiocy endearing. We’re only a few minutes in and I think Tommy D and Rachel have had more interaction in this time than they did all last season.vlcsnap-2014-12-28-19h12m55s252At Bayside, Tommy D gives a warm welcome to our three new regulars: Ryan Parker (Richard Lee Jackson), Maria Lopez (Samantha Becker), and R.J. “Hollywood” Collins (Salim Grant). Yes, “Hollywood” is his nickname. I won’t be calling him that, though, unless the episode calls for it because it’s a fucking stupid nickname that only the writers of The New Class could come up with. Our three new regulars are instantly hated because they’re former Valley students and, as we all know, Valley students are detested at Bayside unless it’s otherwise convenient to the plot. Maria was apparently head cheerleader at Bayside and talked hella shit against Bayside while Ryan was a prankster who stole the Bayside mascot so they’re obviously irredemable. R.J. is just unlikable as we will see the longer this season goes on.

Yeah, the school board decided to just randomly redistrict one hundred Valley students to Bayside and Tommy D, Lindsay, and Rachel are not very happy with this decision. Tommy D tries to choke Ryan to death and Maria kicks him in the shin. I have to say, I’m liking her already for her willingness to inflict physical pain to Tommy D, which is a good thing since she’s the first character we’ve met who will be around until the end of the series.

Also, Mr. Belding walks through and randomly declares that he’s lost fifteen pounds. Um, thanks for sharing and, once again, having no boundaries?
vlcsnap-2014-12-28-19h15m02s245 Since it’s a requirement that regulars on this show psychically know about The Max, Ryan, Maria, and R.J. gather to discuss how fucking stupid it is to be on this show. Ryan promises that he’ll show up our returning characters. Maria will be head cheerleader and R.J. will be the deejay at the annual Welcome Back dance, which I don’t think we’ve ever seen in the seven previous years of this franchise because it’s never been convenient to the plot.vlcsnap-2014-12-28-19h15m39s96 Meanwhile, Mr. Belding eats a rice patty and a stick of broccoli. Oh, I get it! The subplot is a stupid one about Mr. Belding’s weight. Didn’t we just do that last season? Screech waves lots of chocolate in his face to push the point home that this is what we’re supposed to care about.

Ryan comes in and tells Mr. Belding that the Valley girls aren’t happy because they’re scared that they won’t stand a chance when it’s time to choose head cheerleader. Mr. Belding and Screech start arguing over who’s more qualified to fall for Ryan’s plan and Ryan suggests they just both fall for his plan, which they like.

It’s sad that Ryan’s been on this show about seven and a half minutes now and he’s already fulfilling the role of Zack Morris better than Brian did in twenty-six episodes.vlcsnap-2014-12-28-19h19m41s217

Meanwhile, Ryan heard from Scott that the best way to achieve popularity at Bayside is to date Lindsay, despite the fact that Tommy D dated her for two years and what did that actually accomplish? Naturally, his plan involves R.J. running through the hallway in his underwear. Yeah, Ryan’s out to convince Lindsay that Bayside kids are out to get Valley kids and the only way to counteract this is for a Bayside student to go to the dance with a Valley student, ergo R.J. in his underwear.

Yeah, this is all as stupid as it sounds, but it gets Lindsay to go to the dance with Ryan, just as Tommy D approaches with a bunch of flowers ready to ask Lindsay back out.
vlcsnap-2014-12-28-19h20m56s184 The next day, Ryan rigs the microphone to explode when Screech makes the afternoon announcements…somehow…and Mr. Belding spills Screech’s cookies all over the place. Ryan and R.J. run in as R.J. gives the most nonsensical explanation for a microphone exploding: “Freon in the reverberator wire.” Naturally, this explanation makes R.J. qualified to be deejay at the school dance. Did I miss something somewhere? This is like playing connect the dots with a blind person.

Also, Ryan leaves a diary supposedly written by Rachel. When Screech and Mr. Belding read it, it talks smack about the two of them and Bayside, making them hella pissed that she wants to be head cheerleader and not ready to be biased in any way.vlcsnap-2014-12-28-19h23m10s247 The next day, it’s time to choose head cheerleader. Rachel puts on her usual mediocre performance. Mr. Belding and Screech give her zeroes for talking smack about them.vlcsnap-2014-12-28-19h23m50s155

Maria gives a similar mediocre performance and gets ten. Since they’re apparently the only two students in the school who want to be head cheerleader, she is named head cheerleader.

Tommy D asks Screech why he gave Rachel a horrible score and he spills the beans about Ryan.

Later, the hallway is toilet papered and vandalized. When Mr. Belding and Screech, having apparently been just inside Mr. Belding’s office in he midst of the vandalism when it occurred and having heard nothing, come to investigate, Tommy D and Rachel blame it on Ryan. Ryan opens his locker and out falls spray paint and toilet paper. They all argue and Mr. Belding finally figures out that it’s our six regulars being stupid again.
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In the midst of the fighting, look who shows up! Oh, Milton and Ron, it’s somehow comforting to know you’re starting your tenth years at Bayside. The school just wouldn’t be the same without your mid-twenties selves in its hallways. Also, during the fighting, Screech can clearly be seen shaking Maria like a rag doll. I’m pretty sure that’s grounds for a law suit.

Mr. Belding gives the six detention together so they can think about this stupid feud.vlcsnap-2014-12-28-19h27m11s107 Mr. Belding leaves Screech in charge of detention, who promptly uses the time to build a literal house of cards. Lindsay sees the house as a metaphor for the relationship between the Bayside and Valley kids. I would think a year with Screech would have taught her that Screech doesn’t have thoughts, much less deep thoughts, but it gets the six talking about their feelings anyway. The Valley kids talk about how hard it is to be the new students on a stupid Saved by the Bell spin-off and the Bayside kids wonder why half their friends keep disappearing without explanation every season. vlcsnap-2014-12-28-19h29m05s229 At the dance, Mr. Belding makes the Bayside and Valley kids wear badges showing their school affiliation and restricts each group to half of the gym each as Screech dances idiotically in the middle. This is even enforced when Ron wants to use the restroom, which is on the Valley side of the gym, and is told he can’t because plot. Are they looking for a law suit this episode?

Both groups of kids decide this plot has gone far enough and they might as well accept their fate as one big gang for the next season. Ryan dances with Lindsay, Rachel with R.J., and Maria feels sorry for Tommy D’s idiocy, and they decide not to mention this incident anymore. R.J. takes over the controls at the deejay and reveals he has the same taste in elevator music as past characters who enjoyed deejaying. vlcsnap-2014-12-28-19h31m18s9Mr. Belding’s subplot about losing weight ends with Screech hugging Mr. Belding and crushing a bunch of cookies in his jacket pockets. Boy, that was truly necessary to the rest of this episode.

vlcsnap-2014-12-28-19h32m02s204Tommy D declares to Rachel he still wants to get back with Lindsay and our episode ends with Ryan not letting Tommy D cut in for a dance with Lindsay because he’s decided Lindsay might be able to help him with his infernal virginity.

Firsts: Ryan Parker, Maria Lopez, R.J. “Hollywood” Collins, Ryan and Tommy D feud over Lindsay.

Saved by the Bell Season 3, Episode 18: “Palm Springs Weekend, Part 1”

vlcsnap-2014-12-29-19h18m41s123 This week, we’re at Desert Springs Hotel, a luxury hotel in Palm Desert owned by David Spano, Jessie’s father. Yeah, Palm Desert, not Palm Springs. In case you were wondering, Palm Desert is a real city fourteen miles east of Palm Springs. So, in less than a minute, the writers have turned the title of this episode into a misnomer. Way to go, guys. Also, way to go on establishing Jessie’s father as the owner of the Marriott chain of hotels.  Yes, that’s seriously a Marriott logo above the Desert Springs name. They were too lazy to cover up or remove the Marriott name to keep people from being confused. Wow, this episode just has everything going for it so far.

A Zack Morris voice over informs us that David is getting married this weekend and has invited all his daughter’s friends, for some reason. Guess her mom didn’t invite the gang earlier this season because she’s frightened of their various psychoses.

The gang sans Jessie admire the hotel as Zack Morris and Slater admire girls. One thing this season that I am completely confused about is Slater and Jessie’s relationship status. Some episodes they seem to be a happy couple. Other episodes, like this one and the Malibu Sands episodes, they aren’t together and Slater is pursuing other women. So what is it? Are they a couple or not?

The gang meet up with Jessie, who gives an exposition dump about how she’s never met her soon-to-be stepmother. David and his bride met at the hotel and fell in love really fast because that was the best way to foster conflict in this episode. Alas, the gang is to have dinner with David and his wife tonight.

Zack Morris sees a pretty girl and instantly gets an erection. Jessie says she’s just an aerobics bimbo with no brains because some women apparently aren’t worthy of her quasi-feminist protectionism.vlcsnap-2014-12-29-19h21m07s50

Also, Screech decides that the only thing keeping him from getting laid is a book, so he buys Everything You Need to Know About Girls, a book that I’m sure will help him land his first fuck.vlcsnap-2014-12-29-19h22m21s29

Zack Morris, Screech, and Slater decide to go work out so they can check out scantily clad women. There, Zack Morris meets Leslie, the aerobics instructor, who, surprisingly, doesn’t seem to fall for Zack Morris’s bullshit.  vlcsnap-2014-12-29-19h23m11s10

She insists he do a warm-up to prove his knowledge of aerobics. Instead, he ends up in a contortion. Oh, the hilarity never stops on this show.vlcsnap-2014-12-29-19h23m45s94

Meanwhile, Slater meets Christina, who obviously has a European accent. She leaves almost as soon as he starts hitting on her. Oh, that is such a good sign for the prospects of dating.vlcsnap-2014-12-29-19h24m18s172

Oh, and Screech hits on this horrified girl, who turns the speed of his treadmill up. The producers don’t even try to make it look like the treadmill has been turned up, though, instead opting for Dustin Diamond to march in place very fast for a minute.vlcsnap-2014-12-29-19h25m54s110 David meets the girls at the hotel restaurant, including a nervous Jessie, who wants to make a positive impression on her new stepmother. The boys soon join them, Zack Morris complaining about pain after trying to impress Leslie in an aerobics class off screen.

Up comes Leslie, and, wouldn’t you know it, she’s David’s fiance. vlcsnap-2014-12-29-19h28m23s65

After a commercial break, Jessie tells all about how horrified she is that her father is marrying a woman who doesn’t live up to her expectations. In sitcom cliche number 5,432, Jessie hates the fact that Leslie is a woman much younger than her father because Leslie doesn’t live up to Jessie’s quasi-feminist standards.

David, Leslie, and the rest of the gang soon join them. Leslie asks Jessie to be her maid of honor. Jessie tries to wiggle out of it but soon discovers that Leslie’s anticipated every excuse she may have. David suggests that they take a boat ride to see where the wedding will be. Jessie is all, “I don’t want to be in a boat with Leslie because plot so I have a headache and need to leave.”

After Jessie leaves, David and Jessie tell the gang about how they met, which is not interesting at all but eats up a bit of running time. Speaking of eating the running time, we quite literally get to watch as a boat approaches the dock and all the passengers disembark. No dialogue. Just watching passengers getting off a damned boat. Oh, but Christina was on the boat so I guess that’s supposed to make this slow-moving scene worth it.

I…just realized. My standards for believability on this show have been lowered so greatly I barely questioned why there’s a fucking boat or a boat ride in a hotel. I just went with it. It’s more believable than Zack Morris being Native American or Jessie’s caffeine pill freak out, but just a little less believable than Screech being mistaken for an alien by a government agent.

Slater convinces Christina to join them on their boat ride.vlcsnap-2014-12-29-19h30m56s52

Meanwhile, Screech comes running up wearing a horrible boat captain uniform because book. Is it just me or does he look like a little kid wearing a bad Halloween costume?
vlcsnap-2014-12-29-19h31m58s149 After the boat ride, they all walk along the pier. Leslie says this spot is where David asked her to marry him. Screech, in his usual display of brilliance, asks what she said and then proceeds to congratulate David, even though he is there for a wedding. I mention this only because Slater utters the most brilliant, perfect line regarding Screech ever uttered on this show: “It’s amazing. He just keeps getting worse every year.” Slater is my hero for this episode and maybe this season because of this prophetic line. It’s as if the writers were trying to explain future events in The College Years and The New Class before they happened.

Slater and Christina go off by themselves where Slater tries to grill Christina for more information. We find out Christina is from Lichtenbourg…

OH HELL FUCKING NO! They created a country for the purpose of…I don’t know why! Not only that, they took the names of two countries in Europe, Lichtenstein and Luxembourg, and just squished them together and expect us to buy this bull shit! I…I’m speechless. It’s bad enough they created fake colleges like Cal U and Stansbury, basically for no reason, but to create a fake country…

Oh, and she tells Slater she’s a princess, which he dismisses as being sarcastic. I’m sure this is the excuse for creating a fake country, but I call bull shit. They could have picked a real country that has a monarchy. I hate it when a show claiming to be realistic set in present day does shit like fake geography.vlcsnap-2014-12-29-19h34m01s121 Meanwhile, Kelly gives Zack Morris a shoulder rub for his sore shoulders while she talks about wanting to get married. She gets cold so Zack Morris gives her his jacket, and she says that he’s still a gentlemen, just like when they were going together. That’s why he tried to cheat on her with the school nurse: because he’s a gentleman.

Screech tries to offer Lisa his jacket but, of course, falls in the lake.

In the lobby, Zack Morris, Kelly, and Lisa meet Jessie, who gets pissed off that her friends don’t share her ageist prejudices regarding Leslie. She storms off back to her room with the others following.

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But we don’t get to find out what happens next because it’s the next day and Slater and Christina are playing golf. Oh, nineties fashion. You make me feel embarrassed to admit your decade composed half of my developmental years.vlcsnap-2014-12-29-19h37m13s250

Zack Morris, meanwhile, teaches Kelly to swing a club because women can’t play golf! There’s obvious tension in the air and, gee, I wonder what the subplot about them will be.vlcsnap-2014-12-29-19h38m03s224A random man comes up clapping for Christina’s shot. Turns out he’s her father, the king of Lichtenbourg, and this suddenly makes Slater realize she really is princess of a made up country. This makes him nervous and nearly hits her father with a golf club when trying to hit the ball.
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At the pool, Kelly and Zack Morris are still chumming it up.vlcsnap-2014-12-29-19h39m31s86

Screech comes riding up, still reading his stupid book. He says the book predicted Zack Morris and Kelly would get back together because it specifically named shoulder rubbing and the gentlemen giving the lady his jacket as steps to getting together. Um, contrived much? What if it had been a massage therapist giving Zack Morris a shoulder rub? Would he be getting together with her right now?

Screech says the next step is for the lady to buy the gentleman a drink so, of course, Kelly walks up with a drink for Zack Morris because we have to believe Screech’s stupid book is predicting something.vlcsnap-2014-12-29-19h40m25s111

Slater tells Lisa all about how much it sucks that the princess of a made up country finds him hot. Lisa makes things all better by telling Slater to grow some balls and just be himself. If only all of life was that easily solved.vlcsnap-2014-12-29-19h41m09s36

Leslie joins David and Jessie in the pool and Jessie gets hella pissed that Leslie thinks her father is attractive and feeds him chocolate kisses.vlcsnap-2014-12-29-19h41m52s215 Zack Morris and Kelly hop out of the pool and soon find themselves kissing because we couldn’t see this subplot coming from a mile away. Kelly walks away and Jessie soon takes her place, raving like a madwoman about how she’s going to stop David and Leslie’s wedding.vlcsnap-2014-12-29-19h42m34s115And the episode ends with Zack Morris wondering how fucking psychotic the women in his life will be in part two of this episode.

The New Class Season 2 Recap

Good lord this season was a train wreck from start to finish. Where do I even begin with what’s wrong with this season that makes the first season seem like fucking Shakespeare by comparison?

On a side note, someone asked on a post early this season if the writers did anything following The New Class. The short answer is, according to IMDB, most of them didn’t work again after this show. This is no surprise to me. These people can’t write to save their lives. They’re hacks to the nth degree and how they kept this show going as long as they did is beyond me.

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Let’s start with the chemistry between the cast. Yeah, what chemistry you may ask? At least the season one cast members all interacted with each other on a semi-regular basis. I can count on one hand the number of times I remember Brian and Lindsay interacting this season. Tommy D didn’t interact with Rachel often and only talked to Megan when she gave him a boner briefly in the ski lodge episodes. They acted like they barely knew each other, and that’s a problem when we’re supposed to believe that these six people are best friends.

Let’s add in the fact that Rachel and Bobby were retconned in as long time friends. Where were they all last season? It’d be easy to say that the first season has been retconned out of existence, but “The Class of 2020” used clips from the first season, including one that showed Weasel. What’s more, in her single appearance in season one, Rachel didn’t act like she really knew the gang at all.

And the timeline of this season is just baffling. In “The Return of Screech,” it’s clearly established that Rachel is dating David but Brian wants to date Rachel. Rachel dumps David and starts dating Brian during the country club episodes. Screech also starts dating Alison during this arc. It’d be easy to say that these episodes happened in between seasons two and three, but, suddenly, around halfway through the episodes, Brian and Rachel are suddenly dating in the school episodes and Screech references Alison. Also, Lindsay and Tommy D break-up during episodes where Brian and Rachel are dating, despite the fact they were still dating during the country club episodes. To throw one more wrench in, Screech has his first evaluation, which is said to take place after his first semester, during an episode where Brian and Rachel are dating, thus meaning that my head is hurting so bad trying to get my head around when all this fucking shit is supposed to take place.

The answer is: god if I know, and I doubt the writers could have told you when it was all taking place either. But this season has much bigger problems than simple continuity and believability, my friends. This season has some of the worst characterization I’ve ever been unfortunate enough to witness.


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What I learned this season is that, if your spin-off of a popular series is tanking, the best thing you can do is to bring back the most annoying of the original cast members and center the show around him. Yes, The New Class has officially become The Screech Show. The show is now about Screech finding his way as a Miss Bliss figure at Bayside, if Miss Bliss had been born brain dead and without any redeeming qualities. The show now resembles Good Morning, Miss Bliss more than it does Saved by the Bell as it’s now about the adults and not the kids, something Peter Engel always claimed was unique about Saved by the Bell. Several times, the main plot of the episode was about our adult characters, and the gang were background characters, not integral to the main plot a all.

This is especially evident during the Goodbye Bayside two-parter. The second part could have been done entirely without the six kids. In fact, the second half pretty much was. The audience is having so much of an orgasm attack over Zack Morris, Slater, and Lisa being back that there’s no reason for anyone but Mr. Belding and Screech to even be there. So, they put the gang behind a curtain and then give them a minor role in singing the school’s song. Whereas some episodes of Saved by the Bell, such as “The Fabulous Belding Boys,” focused on the adults, they did so through the eyes of the kids, always filtered through their perception. Now, it doesn’t matter anymore because the adults really are all that matters.

The writers can’t seem to decide what to do with Screech, either. There are episodes where he’s basically a seventh member of the gang. There are also episodes where he’s supposed to be a responsible adult dispensing sagely advice for our regulars, which are the times I find Screech on this show the least believable. Let’s not pretend: the real reason he’s around is that the producers hoped Dustin Diamond’s return would mark a return of the fan base from the original series, something that was never likely to happen.

vlcsnap-2014-10-13-11h57m09s109So let’s talk about our other adult cast member. Mr. Belding this season seems to be there for the sole purpose of being a foil for Screech. His boundaries with the kids are worse than ever and he takes them on trips to a ranch and a ski lodge, something that may be questionable whether it’s actually allowed. He’s also their boss all summer at the country club, once again questionable, but I’ll talk more about the country club episodes in a minute. Mr. Belding is no longer the lovable, fallible principal guiding young minds into adulthood. He’s now a laughable buffoon slowly losing his sanity to Screech’s idiocy.

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Talk about a character the writers didn’t seem to have a clue what to do with. In the season one recap, I said Tommy D exists for three purposes: to be Scott’s foil, to be Mr. Belding’s mechanic, and to be Lindsay’s boyfriend. Well, Tommy D was certainly not a foil this season with the departure of Scott and they got rid of the third trait this season, which leaves him only as Mr. Belding’s mechanic. How dignified that Mr. Belding uses free student labor. Tommy D spends most of the season solely defined as Lindsay’s boyfriend. The odd thing is that the writers would every once in a while add random traits to Tommy D for no discernible reason. They made him Bayside’s star football player despite establishing in season one that he hates sports. They made him a good singer…because they wanted to rip off “The Glee Club” a second time and had no one else to do it with. They made him a passionate crusader for saving the school because…plot. With Tommy D and Lindsay broken up, I really don’t have any clue what they’re going to do with him in season three.

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Speaking of useless, Lindsay easily wins the award for most pointless character this season. When she isn’t fawning all over Tommy D like he can do no wrong, she’s making light of anorexia and getting drunk. The first half of the season, it felt like sbe didn’t do hardly anything but hang off Tommy D’s ar., especially in the country club episodes. This is because she’s solely defined by the men in her life, as evidenced by her jealousy over Megan and Tommy D potentially getting together. She’s also more than willing to forgive Tommy D being a stupid whore fucktard, and does so in one fucking episode. Yes, they managed to make “The Aftermath” seem believable by comparison. About halfway through the season, it was kind of like the writers realized, “Oh, shit, we haven’t done anything with Lindsay yet!” and so we got the stupid anorexia episode and the breakup with Tommy D, because there’s no better way to revitalize an underdeveloped character than to get rid of the one thing that defines her. They also randomly give her Jessie and Kelly duties, such as being president of the student council or a cheerleader, when the episode dictates, which makes no sense because it just makes me realize how little I actually know about Lindsay.

vlcsnap-2014-09-22-12h03m23s239Megan doesn’t do a whole lot this season, either. Since she’s no longer running from Weasel, she occasionally has one of Jessie’s quasifeminist rants to deliver, and she sometimes finds a guy hot, but that’s about it. Really, I can’t think of much she does this season other than date guys and rant about the beauty contest at the country club. It’s a shame: Bianca Lawson is actually the best actress out of all these fucktards, and she could have easily done a lot more had the writers bothered to flesh her character out. Instead, she just feels like she’s there because we needs six characters by tradition.

vlcsnap-2014-10-10-21h22m01s81Good lord, where do I even begin with Rachel? I don’t get why the writers brought her over from season one at all. Every characteristic they developed for her this season just made me question what we learned about her in her single appearance during season one. They unintentionally turned her into a giant whore, not only because she cheated on David with Brian in the country club episodes, but because her dating David means she was cheating on David when she went on her date with Scott last season. And, really, what else is there about her? The writers occasionally try to insert glimpses of Lisa’s fashion taste, but it seems almost forced and like a footnote. She sometimes is a cheerleader, other times not. She’s a complete idiot and doesn’t realize when Brian is helping her cheat. Could the writers turn her into a more unlikeable, unbelievable character?

vlcsnap-2014-10-10-21h26m53s184Turning Bobby into the bullied wimp in place of Weasel was a complete mistake from the beginning. It was not in keeping with any of his other characteristics: his confidence, his moral code, his compassion for others. I don’t think the writers even knew quite what to do with him. There was no real reason for Megan to reject him constantly as she did with Weasel. You couldn’t make him into a stereotypical geek like Weasel and Screech were. Thus, the worst geek quality we get out of Bobby is his love of singing. Oh my god! How horrible! He likes to sing! Give him a swirly now! It’s sad, because for a character doomed from the beginning to fail, Bobby actually had one of the most likable moments for any character from this season: when he anonymously gave Megan his tip money so she could win the tip contest. In addition, the attempt to retcon him as an unseen part of the gang in season one just makes the others seem…shallow.

vlcsnap-2014-09-22-11h58m53s95Oh, I’ve saved the worst for last. To give you an idea of what’s wrong with Brian’s character, let’s go on a brief tour through the other characters who have fulfilled the blonde leader protagonist role in this franchise (Scott is an honorary blonde protagonist because he filled the role).

Michael no“Hi, I’m Michael. I might have only appeared in one episode of Good Morning, Miss Bliss, but that episode established that I was rebelling because I was seeking attention following the death of my brother. I might have acted like a douche, but it was because I was unhappy with my life and searching for some validation for my existence.”

vlcsnap-2014-10-24-13h19m21s103“Hi, I’m Zack Morris. I act like a real ass sometimes and it can be very fulfilling to see me fail because of it. In the end, though, I come through for my friends. I’m very loyal despite my flaws and would rather lose some pride than lose a friend. I’m also surprisingly insightful at times when people need advice, and I have the awesome ability to freeze time.”

vlcsnap-2014-04-01-00h21m38s109“Hi, I’m Scott. I started out a huge unlikeable selfish douche, but something funny happened during my short time on The New Class: I actually received character development and became likeable. I had a consciousness and everything! Before I was dropped from the show, I was learning what it was like to be a part of a group and actually became one of the stand out characters from the first season.

vlcsnap-2014-09-14-19h56m03s122Now Brian.

“Hi, I’m Brian! I’m Swiss and I like Rachel!”

Yes, in twenty-six episodes, all I can really say for sure about Brian is that he’s Swiss and he likes Rachel. There are occasional glimpses throughout the season of the writers trying to make him more of a Zack Morris character, but it always falls completely flat because that’s not who he is. After he gets together with Rachel in the country club episodes, I think he very easily could have been dropped from the show with no adverse effect. He’s that superfluous. While the other five have at least a definable personality, Brian is a robot. A walking, talking, Swiss, Rachel liking robot. Why even create a character if they’re going to have less characterization than the Care Bears? And I’m not even convinced he’s really from Switzerland. He’s supposed to be an exchange student but his sister has an American accent! He’s almost like one of those bad James Bond villains who’s obviously trying really hard to be believable but completely failing at the task.


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Now one thing that needs to be mentioned about this season was how much of it was spent away from the school. A staggering eleven out of twenty-six episodes are featured away from Bayside. Most prominent was Palisade Hills Country Club, obviously supposed to be a rip-off of the Malibu Sands episodes from Saved by the Bell. The disturbing thing is that, unlike episodes of Saved by the Bell that took place away from school, all eleven episodes this season featured the adults, Mr. Belding and Screech, because the show is now about them. Why a school principal would need a summer job (when he’s supposed to be at school working!) is never explained. Equally baffling is the willingness with which the parents of our gang seem willing to just let them randomly go off to exotic locations with their school principal.

“Sure, I’ll let you go off in the mountains with your school principal! That doesn’t seem creepy at all!”

On top of all this, we were expected to just go along with the country club episode after having seen the new cast in action for all of one episode. Part of why Malibu Sands worked is because we had two years of the same cast and so we knew the dynamics of the characters. The New Class introduced three new cast members and immediately threw us into the country club episodes, which felt confusing and off-putting. The whole season was handled horribly, but the country club episodes just seemed confusing at a time when the writers should have been focusing on establishing character for our new cast rather than focusing on a summer vacation before the school year ever got started.

I already mentioned how poorly integrated these episodes are with the Bayside episodes. I don’t understand why the writers felt like the way to attract more viewers was to just throw as much at the show as they possibly could, hoping a core viewership would magically emerge.


Now it’s time to say goodbye to half our cast…again. Once again, I’d like to say why they departed, but there’s not much information available on this show as people stopped caring about it almost as soon as it aired.

Leaving this show may be the best thing Bianca Lawson ever did. After she left the role of Megan behind, Lawson scored regular roles in the shows Goode Behavior and Pretty Little Liars, as well as recurring roles in Sister, Sister, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, The Steve Harvey Show, Dawson’s Creek, The Secret Life of the American Teenager, The Vampire Diaries, Teen Wolf, and Witches of East End. She’s, without a doubt, the most successful former cast member from The New Class. This may seem baffling but she did come from an acting family. She continues to act to this day, showing why sometimes quitting your first job may be the best thing you ever do.

Christian Oliver has become a fairly successful German actor, appearing in a shit ton of movies and shows you’ve probably never heard of unless you live in Germany. I’ve not seen any of them, so I can only hope his acting in them is better than his acting in The New Class was. He continues acting to this day.

Spankee Rodgers appeared as an extra in a couple episodes of Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. After that, he dropped off the face of the planet. No one seems to know what’s become of him. About all that’s certain is that he left the entertainment business, which may be the result of being scarred on this show. Wherever he is, I wish him luck and success.


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With five more seasons of this show to go, I’m sure it will find a way to keep going downhill, though it’s hard to imagine at this point how they could possibly get worse than season two was. This show is a train wreck. It’s utterly contemptible and, yes, it is much worse than Full House. The fact that this lasted as many seasons as it did, with four of those season logging twenty-six episodes each, is insulting, especially when you consider all the good shows that are cancelled after one season. There’s a special place in hell for the television executives who kept renewing this show. I hope it’s a spot where they have to watch this shitty show twenty-four hours a day for eternity.


My Picks

Ugh, how do I even pick five episodes above the rest from this season that just stand out in their sheer shittiness? It’s like asking a kid to pick just one toy in a Toys ‘R Us. Okay, I’ll give it a go. Remember, feel free to agree or disagree in the comments below.

Episode 7, “The People’s Choice:” The moral of this story is: don’t put Screech in charge of anything. The fact that Bayside is portrayed as being so incompetent they have no idea how their athletic director is spending money is insulting, and this is where the retconning of Tommy D’s character really begins. Add to this the exaggeration of the importance of the PSAT, and you have a very stupid episode.

Episode 15, “A Perfect Lindsay:” This episode is utterly insulting in its portrayal of anorexia, a real issue among the teens this show is trying to target. Lindsay basically goes from normal to anorexic in the span of a few days, showing that anorexia is as easy to catch as the common cold. Bobby and Megan’s stupid subplot about dancing takes up half the episode so there really isn’t time enough to seriously talk about anorexia even if they wanted to.

Episode 16, “Back at the Ranch:” I debated between this one and “Wanna Bet?” Considering that half this episode is a fantasy sequence about Screech wanting to be a better cowboy than Clint, I’ll go with this one. This episode is about as believable as an episode of Scooby-Doo, after the added Scrappy. The fact that Screech ends up inexplicably being the hero is such a contrivance I dare say Ed Wood couldn’t have done worse.

Episode 20, “Drinking 101:” It was between this one and “The D Stands for Dropout.” Both are episodes that throw every cliche in the book at you to convince you how evil their subject matter is. This one would be laughable if it weren’t for the fact that some kid, somewhere watched this episode and believed that alcohol would instantly wreck their life if they even drank it for one night. The fact that they randomly decided to have Tommy D break his leg in the end put this one over the edge. This entire episode made me want to drink copious amounts of alcohol while reviewing it.

Episode 26, “Goodbye Bayside, Part 2:” Is it any surprise this one made the list? The first half is almost completely identical to part one and the second half is a flimsy, cheap excuse for the three cast members from Saved by the Bell who couldn’t find work to make cameos while the gang hangs around in the background wondering why they’re even in the episode. It’s a horribly scripted episode and whoever wrote it obviously has no idea how the sale of public property works.

The New Class Season 2, Episode 26: “Goodbye Bayside, Part 2”

vlcsnap-2014-12-21-17h21m02s128 Oh god! Screech is breaking the fourth wall! He knows all the awful things I’ve been saying about him and he’s come to claim my soul! Someone stop him!

Nah, that might actually be interesting. Instead, after our visit from James the Actor last week, we’re back to find out if Bayside will be torn down. Five more seasons of The New Class says it won’t, but Screech recaps the events of the first part anyway.
vlcsnap-2014-12-21-17h22m29s215And…our episode starts out with a repeated scene of the glee club. They’re all bummed about Bayside closing…just like the first part. Screech tries to give them a pep talk…just like the first part. Am I sensing a pattern here?  vlcsnap-2014-12-21-17h23m42s180 Oh, the difference is that, in the first part, Screech didn’t break down crying on Tommy D’s nipple! That makes this scene so much more unique! vlcsnap-2014-12-21-17h23m49s4 Our next scene takes place in the auditorium, just like the first part, where the prom committee sits around, unable to make a decision about the theme of the prom…just like the first part.vlcsnap-2014-12-21-17h24m25s100

Mr. McMillan comes in with a construction worker…just like in the first part. Oh, but here’s the difference: Mr. Belding comes in and Mr. McMillan tells him that the illegal sale of the school is official as of Friday and the school will be torn down by Friday night, which I’m pretty sure is impossible unless Mr. McMillan got a hold of a nuke and intends to obliterate the entire area. Whatever the case, this means there won’t be a prom Friday night because physics be damned. Mr. Belding tries to convince him to have a heart, but Mr. McMillan conveniently exposits that he didn’t go to his prom and only had one friend while he was at Bayside.

It’s really bad when The New Class has become so repetitive and derivative it’s ripping itself off. Seriously, why are we even doing a second part if it’s only going to be like the first part but with minor details changed?vlcsnap-2014-12-21-17h26m07s85 The gang concoct a plan to trick Mr. McMillan and have their plan…just like last episode! Gee, are we seeing a pattern here? The plan is that Rachel, whom Mr. McMillan has met as a student already, is a nurse and declares that Brian has the “Swiss measles,” a highly contagious form of measles that requires quarantine. Tommy D comes in pretending to have it, and Mr. McMillan leaves, believing Rachel’s story since all adults in the Saved by the Bell universe are fucking idiots.

Mr. Belding comes in and realizes what’s going on but he lets Mr. McMillan believe the gang’s story because fuck this dick cheese. Instead, Mr. Belding decides it’s time to find a way to save the school. vlcsnap-2014-12-21-17h28m11s47

This means that, just like in the first part, the gang gather at Screech’s apartment to think of a plan. Oh, but it’s not the same as the first part because Mr. Belding’s there! No, seriously, it’s the end of season two. I want to see who the morons are who have been writing this crap I’ve been watching for two seasons now, especially if I’m really going to watch five more seasons of it. Well, lucky for us, I just happen to have an exclusive photo from The New Class‘s writers room! Let’s take a look!

Monkeys on TypewritersYou know, this explains so much. No, wait, this joke is insulting. We all know this room full of monkeys could produce something much better than the crap that is The New Class!

Ugh, anyway, Mr. Belding’s plan is to find out who Mr. McMillan’s friend at Bayside was so they can change his feelings about the school. Mr. Belding, Screech, and the gang go through old Bayside yearbooks hoping to find a clue, but can’t seem to find anything.vlcsnap-2014-12-21-17h28m57s254

Then Screech, who’s apparently losing his sight since no one else needs a magnifying glass to read the yearbook, finds a picture of Mr. McMillan waiting for a bus next to a girl named Sandy Bennett who was the head cheerleader at Bayside. They decide that this means Sandy was Mr. McMillan’s friend, although it could just as easily mean that they happened to wait for the bus at the same stop. The episode’s already wasted half its running time on scenes almost identical to the first part, though, so the writers said fuck it. vlcsnap-2014-12-21-17h30m11s231 At The Max, Mr. Belding meets Sandy, whom he tracked down. She tells them about how she was Mr. McMillan’s only friend at Bayside. She always had the feeling that he wanted inside her moist pocket but was too shy to ask. Yeah, seriously, that’s the plot we’re going with. Mr. McMillan wants to tear down Bayside because he didn’t get laid in high school. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!?! Of course you’re not. This is The New Class.vlcsnap-2014-12-21-17h31m21s171

Mr. Belding and Screech use this face to ask Sandy to come to the prom and give Mr. McMillan the prom he never had. Really, if they gave you this face, would you go anywhere near the prom? Sand agrees for plot’s sake, though, and Mr. Belding tells the gang the prom’s going to be 1950s themed. vlcsnap-2014-12-21-17h32m48s15 Back at Bayside, Mr. Belding convinces Mr. McMillan over the phone to come see what special surprise he has in store for him. Sounds like a mafia hit to me, actually. Mr. McMillan agrees but then Screech comes in and says Sandy cancelled. Turns out she has to fly to San Francisco for a surprise party her nephew is throwing for his wife. He didn’t tell Sandy because she’s the family blabbermouth so he just inconsiderately left her to fend for herself on tickets in standby instead. This leaves Mr. Belding and Screech depressed as they wonder if their stupid plan will work on Mr. McMillan without the poon tang to back it up.vlcsnap-2014-12-21-17h33m12s255

Jesus, why. Why must this franchise constantly insist on showing Screech’s bare chest? Yes, he and Mr. Belding both dressed as bad Elvis impersonators for the prom. Haha, isn’t that so funny.

Mr. McMillan comes in and Mr. Belding promptly takes him to his prom, which he naturally thinks is fucking stupid, but the episode still has eight minutes left to convince him this episode has a point.
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Now here’s the problem with an episode of The New Class centered around the prom: the prom is so in the background that the writers don’t seem to realize how big of a deal it is that Tommy D and Lindsay, ex-boyfriend/girlfriend, went to the prom together and that Megan and Bobby seem to have gone together. Really, it’s not even acknowledged. Also, the writers don’t seem to realize there’s a difference between a prom and a costume ball. Fuck me. I hate this fucking ass show.
vlcsnap-2014-12-21-17h35m44s239And here’s the reason the writers don’t have time to acknowledge characterization of the gang: it’s cameo time! Yes, Slater is back, and the audience of all girls and gay boys screams so loud my ears hurt. I do have to admit, he looks tremendously more attractive now that the horrible Brillo pad mullet is gone. Also, I think Screech wants to fuck Slater given his reaction to Slater’s sudden appearance.

So Slater seriously wants to arm wrestle Mr. McMillan not to tear down Bayside. Gee, Slater, thanks for showing up with that brilliant tactic. Maybe next you’ll go to the Middle East and use your arm wrestling strategy to end some wars.
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Lisa’s our next former cast member to come in, ready to save the school, but she’s so sad she came all this way and her $1,000 credit card isn’t enough to buy the school from Mr. McMillan. Yeah, Lisa, go have another drink and think about this plan some more.vlcsnap-2014-12-21-17h37m10s76 Our next cameo is from…oh, it’s Sandy. She’s come back to be Mr. McMillan’s date and Mr. McMillan’s erection says that he’s going to stay and enjoy himself. When Screech asks her what made her change her mind, she says her nephew insisted she fly back when she told him Bayside was in trouble and even insisted on flying back with her.vlcsnap-2014-12-21-17h37m51s221Yes, in the contrivance of the century, Sandy’s nephew is Zack Morris, and this truly is a contrivance since Screech was at Zack Morris’s wedding and should have met Sandy unless she skipped her nephew’s wedding for hookers and blow. Also, Kelly decided she doesn’t give a shit about Bayside anymore now that she has 90210 to keep her warm. I have to say, I’m barely able to type these words from laughing my ass off at the horrible haircut he got post-The College Years. Seriously, he looks like a Dawson’s Creek reject who got a haircut from one of the Hanson kids. And, yeah, if the audience screamed loud for Slater and Lisa, they blew their lungs out for Zack Morris.

Zack Morris gives Mr. McMillan a speech about how much Bayside means to lots of starving orphans and nuns and how much Mr. McMillan should just leave Bayside alone.

There is an additional continuity issue here. It seems Slater hasn’t seen Zack Morris or Kelly for a while, because he asks how the wife’s doing. This seems to suggest either Zack Morris and Kelly dropped out of college or Slater dropped out of college. I’m guessing Slater dropped out since Sandy was flying to San Francisco to see Zack Morris and Kelly.

Now, keep in mind, while all this is going on, the gang, The New Class gang, is nowhere to be found. Were they having trouble in ratings? Where they so desperate they brought back the three cast members from Saved by the Bell who couldn’t find work after cancellation? In any case, this has officially become the Mr. Belding and Screech show. There’s not even an acknowledgement that Bobby and Rachel running for prom king and queen was an issue in the first part. It’s just like nothing from the first part matters because Zack Morris, Slater, and Lisa are here for pointless cameos.
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Oh, but here’s our gang! The glee club is going to sing the school song…for the fucking prom. Seriously. I don’t think the writers ever went to their own proms…

In any case, here are the lyrics for the “school song:”

It seems like only yesterday we started,
But soon we’ll put away our books and pens,
We’ll go on with our lives once we have parted,
But how can we say farewell to our friends?

 

The double dates, the parties, and the dances,
Cramming for a mid-term until three,
The football games, The Max, and the romances,
Soon Bayside will be just a memory.

 

Our four years here have all become unraveled,
And so our high school story finally ends,
But years from now, no matter where we’ve traveled,
We’ll all look back and think about our friends.

Where do I even begin? High school songs are typically spirit songs used to get school spirit up during sports games. THEY’RE NOT EXPOSITION DEVICES FOR FUCKING STUPID ASS WRITERS WHO CAN’T BE BOTHERED TO FIND PROPER LITERARY DEVICES! No, there’s no excusing this. They really intend this to be the school’s song, as evidenced by Zack Morris singing along to it at one point. I…I don’t even know what else to say. Every time I think this show has done the stupidest thing it can possibly do, it finds something stupider to prove me wrong. No, really, these writers have no fucking clue what they’re doing! NONE!

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At least Mr. Belding’s happy to have his boys back for some touchy touchy in detention.vlcsnap-2014-12-21-17h40m53s4

And Mr. McMillan looks like he can’t wait to bang some of Sandy’s sweet puss.vlcsnap-2014-12-21-17h41m54s103

So, let’s get this fucking episode over. Mr. McMillan’s icy cold heart has been melted by Sandy’s hot vagina, and he agrees to sell Bayside back for one dollar and allow the school board to keep the rest of the money for donations. Screech promptly provides the dollar and the illegal sale of public property is over.vlcsnap-2014-12-21-17h43m15s119The gang thank Mr. Belding for helping them save Bayside, Mr. Belding thanks the gang for inspiring him not to give up, and our episode, and our season, ends with Screech tearing it up on the dance floor. And, yes, this episode does mark the swan song for Zack Morris, Slater, and Lisa. They will never be seen in the franchise again. What a lousy ending for them. Wedding in Las Vegas would have been a more dignified swan song. At least it wasn’t written by a pack of brain dead hyaenas high on LSD watching SpongeBob SquarePants.


And, with that excruciating episode over, that’s it for season two…at fucking last! As usual, I’ll have a recap on Wednesday and then, next week, we’ll jump in to season three and see how much worse this show can get.

Also, this review marks the one year anniversary of this blog. Thank you to everyone over the last year who has read and commented. You are why I keep watching horrible shows like The New Class. Thank you for an amazing first year! Here’s to a great year two ahead of us!

Saved by the Bell Season 3, Episode 17: “S.A.T.s”

vlcsnap-2014-12-19-20h30m47s8 We open in the gym where a small portion of Bayside’s junior class is preparing to take the S.A.T.s. I mean, seriously, they didn’t even attempt to make it look like it’s the class we’re used to. Where are all the beloved extras we’ve come to know and love?

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During the test, we get an intimate psychological profile on our gang. Jessie’s stoked because her character requires her to enjoy wonderful activities like standardized tests. Kelly’s jealous of Jessie’s mojo, Lisa obsesses about trains, and Slater thinks about ding dongs.
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Zack Morris, of course, focuses on a random girl.vlcsnap-2014-12-19-20h33m07s183 And Screech carries goldfish in his pockets. He must have learned the trait of carrying small animals in his clothes from Max.vlcsnap-2014-12-19-20h33m17s14

Now it’s the first time I remember a blatant on-screen transition being used to mark the passage of time but it’s a welcome relief from the usual slip-shod methods in which a change of clothes is our only indication it’s not the same day.  The gang have their S.A.T. results and they’ve gathered at The Max to open them.vlcsnap-2014-12-19-20h33m55s156

Oh, but before we get to that, the gods must be smiling down on me and laughing their asses off because it’s a James the Actor episode! Oh, two in one week! Aren’t I just lucky! The good news is that after this episode, I never have to see his stupid face again. The bad news is that I have to see his stupid face in this episode.

So after some stalling and some idiotic banter with James, we finally get the results:

Screech: 1220
Kelly: 1100
Lisa: 1140
Slater: 1050
Zack Morris: 1502
Jessie: 1205

As Jessie helpfully reminds us (for those lucky enough to live in countries where S.A.T.s aren’t used as criteria for college admission), 1600 is the highest score you can get. The key here, of course, is that everyone’s S.A.T. is what can reasonably be expected out of what we’ve seen for the last three seasons except Zack Morris. Yeah, this just destroys all believably in the episode. You may try to argue, like Kelly, that the S.A.T. evaluates your overall intelligence and not how hard you work, but that’s bullshit because every standardized test I’ve ever taken measures what you already know from your education, thus why they’re a horrible predictor of how well one will perform in college.

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Oh, and Jessie is a whiney cry baby. “Oh, boo hoo hoo! I’m only slightly above average and not genius level! Someone bring me my Little House on the Prarie doll and my blankey as I cry myself into comatose.”

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Back at Bayside, random girl from the test, whose name is Heather, asks Zack Morris to help her study since he’s suddenly hella intelligent. His boner, though, tells him this girl wants a piece of Zack Morris in her since that’s the only thing he’s useful to women for.

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After a random, ditzy Beverly Hills stereotype randomly comes and tells Jessie she scored 1280 on the S.A.T.s, Jessie starts putting down Lisa and Kelly because she’s still smarter than the two of them. Really, I don’t know why the two of them don’t punch Jessie in the nose for the way she’s acting in this scene. Hell, now I kind of want Eric to come back and do shitty things to Jessie so I can feel better knowing she’s getting her just deserts.vlcsnap-2014-12-19-20h39m00s122

In the gym, a college fair is going on and Mr. Belding randomly makes an announcement to all assembled that Zack Morris got the highest score on the S.A.T. in the school. Mr. Belding doesn’t seem to consider the possibility of cheating given how often Zack Morris has had such schemes.

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So meet Stansbury University, which is apparently Jessie’s dream college for this episode. Never mind the fact that every other episode she’s talked about wanting to go to Stanford. For some reason the writers decided to forget about that and invent a fake college. And, of course, Camilia von Snobergrass here won’t take a second look at Jessie because of her S.A.T. scores but wants Zack Morris without a second thought. Yeah, because a rep at a college fair really has that sort of power to arbitraily decide who will and will not be admitted.vlcsnap-2014-12-19-20h40m27s227

Meanwhile, at The Max, we get to see some more obsessing over colleges and the Stansbury rep comes in to recruit Slater. Seems they want a football star and, despite the fact he’s the biggest idiot of the bunch, he’s their sort of material if he can play football.

Once again, REAL COLLEGE RECRUITMENT DOES NOT FUCKING WORK LIKE HIS!!!! On the bright side, we do get to find out that Screech watches Days of Our Lives. He probably thought MacDonald Carey was hot in his waning years.vlcsnap-2014-12-19-20h43m06s21 Meanwhile, Mr. Belding decides to change all of Zack Morris’s classes to advanced placement classes because…that makes a lot of sense for someone who can’t even do the work in his current classes. Fucking hell! It’s like no one who writes on this show has ever been to high school.vlcsnap-2014-12-19-20h44m44s229Things just get worse for Zack Morris when his booty call with Heather is iinterruptedby Kelly randomly coming to tell him she’s worried about Jessie. Zack Morris is determined to lose his cursed virginity and kicks her out as he prepares to get physical with Heather.
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But then a random guy in his late twenties to early thirties drops by and turns out to be Heather’s boyfriend, Bob, who wants help studying too. Zack Morris is confounded that he’s gone for yet another girl who prefers guys who are much older than him. Also, what does Bob need help studying for? The Census Bureau employment test?
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At The Max, James is, unfortunately, still around and dressed in sheets as he pretends to have just been for an audition for a performance of Julius Caesar. This, somehow, gives Zack Morris an idea of what to do about Jessie. Of course, it will involve James doing the same thing he does every episode he appears in: dress in a chicken costume and sing the hit Boyz II Men single, “I’ll Make Love to You.”

At Bayside, Mr. Belding is distressed to find out Jessie’s resigning all her club affiliations because she’s an idiot. No, she really is. You don’t like your S.A.T. score? Ruin your education in every other way possible. vlcsnap-2014-12-19-20h47m59s143 Oh, they’ve completely surprised me! The plan is actually to have James dress as a representative from HARRRRVARD in order to manipulate the Stansbury rep. Oh, Saved by the Bell, how do you manage to keep surprising me with all your plot twists by having James totally not do the same thing he’s done in every episode?vlcsnap-2014-12-19-20h49m47s176

The plan is to insult Zack Morris in front of the rep and pretend the only person James is interested in is Jessie. Unfortunately, James does say the only accurate thing about the S.A.T.s in this entire episode: that colleges base their decision for admission on more than just a single standardized test score.

Meanwhile, Slater leads Jessie in as Zack Morris tries to get James out. The two meet and, when Jessie finds out the Stansbury rep suddenly wants to recruit her because they were impressed by James’s lame act, she tells the woman to fuck off and take her fake university back to wherever it came from. Slater tells her he won’t be taking the scholarship because it would take him too far away from Zack Morris and he needs to be there for him should there be a spin-off after they graduate. vlcsnap-2014-12-19-20h53m07s144

The second part of the scheme involves James pretending to be the chairman from the S.A.T. board who tells Mr. Belding that he’s being stupid in putting Zack Morris in lots of advanced placement classes and should grow a brain and investigate the possibility of cheating. Seriously, how does Mr. Belding never recognize James’s bad disguises? These are the kind of twits who don’t realize Clark Kent is Superman because Superman doesn’t wear glasses.vlcsnap-2014-12-19-20h53m45s16In the hallway, Jessie thanks Zack Morris for arranging yet another lame, convoluted plot involving James. Jessie says that she’s realized she made too much out of this episode and that it doesn’t really matter since she’s one day going to be in great movies like Showgirls that will surely be the launch of a great career.

Now that we’ve had this wonderful foray into the world of standardized testing, I think I’ll go throw up and thank my lucky stars I never had to deal with such bull shit.

Firsts: Stansbury, Zack Morris is secretly smart.