Nah, that might actually be interesting. Instead, after our visit from James the Actor last week, we’re back to find out if Bayside will be torn down. Five more seasons of The New Class says it won’t, but Screech recaps the events of the first part anyway.
And…our episode starts out with a repeated scene of the glee club. They’re all bummed about Bayside closing…just like the first part. Screech tries to give them a pep talk…just like the first part. Am I sensing a pattern here? Oh, the difference is that, in the first part, Screech didn’t break down crying on Tommy D’s nipple! That makes this scene so much more unique! Our next scene takes place in the auditorium, just like the first part, where the prom committee sits around, unable to make a decision about the theme of the prom…just like the first part.
Mr. McMillan comes in with a construction worker…just like in the first part. Oh, but here’s the difference: Mr. Belding comes in and Mr. McMillan tells him that the illegal sale of the school is official as of Friday and the school will be torn down by Friday night, which I’m pretty sure is impossible unless Mr. McMillan got a hold of a nuke and intends to obliterate the entire area. Whatever the case, this means there won’t be a prom Friday night because physics be damned. Mr. Belding tries to convince him to have a heart, but Mr. McMillan conveniently exposits that he didn’t go to his prom and only had one friend while he was at Bayside.
It’s really bad when The New Class has become so repetitive and derivative it’s ripping itself off. Seriously, why are we even doing a second part if it’s only going to be like the first part but with minor details changed? The gang concoct a plan to trick Mr. McMillan and have their plan…just like last episode! Gee, are we seeing a pattern here? The plan is that Rachel, whom Mr. McMillan has met as a student already, is a nurse and declares that Brian has the “Swiss measles,” a highly contagious form of measles that requires quarantine. Tommy D comes in pretending to have it, and Mr. McMillan leaves, believing Rachel’s story since all adults in the Saved by the Bell universe are fucking idiots.
Mr. Belding comes in and realizes what’s going on but he lets Mr. McMillan believe the gang’s story because fuck this dick cheese. Instead, Mr. Belding decides it’s time to find a way to save the school.
This means that, just like in the first part, the gang gather at Screech’s apartment to think of a plan. Oh, but it’s not the same as the first part because Mr. Belding’s there! No, seriously, it’s the end of season two. I want to see who the morons are who have been writing this crap I’ve been watching for two seasons now, especially if I’m really going to watch five more seasons of it. Well, lucky for us, I just happen to have an exclusive photo from The New Class‘s writers room! Let’s take a look!
Ugh, anyway, Mr. Belding’s plan is to find out who Mr. McMillan’s friend at Bayside was so they can change his feelings about the school. Mr. Belding, Screech, and the gang go through old Bayside yearbooks hoping to find a clue, but can’t seem to find anything.
Then Screech, who’s apparently losing his sight since no one else needs a magnifying glass to read the yearbook, finds a picture of Mr. McMillan waiting for a bus next to a girl named Sandy Bennett who was the head cheerleader at Bayside. They decide that this means Sandy was Mr. McMillan’s friend, although it could just as easily mean that they happened to wait for the bus at the same stop. The episode’s already wasted half its running time on scenes almost identical to the first part, though, so the writers said fuck it. At The Max, Mr. Belding meets Sandy, whom he tracked down. She tells them about how she was Mr. McMillan’s only friend at Bayside. She always had the feeling that he wanted inside her moist pocket but was too shy to ask. Yeah, seriously, that’s the plot we’re going with. Mr. McMillan wants to tear down Bayside because he didn’t get laid in high school. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!?! Of course you’re not. This is The New Class.
Mr. Belding and Screech use this face to ask Sandy to come to the prom and give Mr. McMillan the prom he never had. Really, if they gave you this face, would you go anywhere near the prom? Sand agrees for plot’s sake, though, and Mr. Belding tells the gang the prom’s going to be 1950s themed. Back at Bayside, Mr. Belding convinces Mr. McMillan over the phone to come see what special surprise he has in store for him. Sounds like a mafia hit to me, actually. Mr. McMillan agrees but then Screech comes in and says Sandy cancelled. Turns out she has to fly to San Francisco for a surprise party her nephew is throwing for his wife. He didn’t tell Sandy because she’s the family blabbermouth so he just inconsiderately left her to fend for herself on tickets in standby instead. This leaves Mr. Belding and Screech depressed as they wonder if their stupid plan will work on Mr. McMillan without the poon tang to back it up.
Jesus, why. Why must this franchise constantly insist on showing Screech’s bare chest? Yes, he and Mr. Belding both dressed as bad Elvis impersonators for the prom. Haha, isn’t that so funny.
Mr. McMillan comes in and Mr. Belding promptly takes him to his prom, which he naturally thinks is fucking stupid, but the episode still has eight minutes left to convince him this episode has a point.
Now here’s the problem with an episode of The New Class centered around the prom: the prom is so in the background that the writers don’t seem to realize how big of a deal it is that Tommy D and Lindsay, ex-boyfriend/girlfriend, went to the prom together and that Megan and Bobby seem to have gone together. Really, it’s not even acknowledged. Also, the writers don’t seem to realize there’s a difference between a prom and a costume ball. Fuck me. I hate this fucking ass show.
And here’s the reason the writers don’t have time to acknowledge characterization of the gang: it’s cameo time! Yes, Slater is back, and the audience of all girls and gay boys screams so loud my ears hurt. I do have to admit, he looks tremendously more attractive now that the horrible Brillo pad mullet is gone. Also, I think Screech wants to fuck Slater given his reaction to Slater’s sudden appearance.
So Slater seriously wants to arm wrestle Mr. McMillan not to tear down Bayside. Gee, Slater, thanks for showing up with that brilliant tactic. Maybe next you’ll go to the Middle East and use your arm wrestling strategy to end some wars.
Lisa’s our next former cast member to come in, ready to save the school, but she’s so sad she came all this way and her $1,000 credit card isn’t enough to buy the school from Mr. McMillan. Yeah, Lisa, go have another drink and think about this plan some more. Our next cameo is from…oh, it’s Sandy. She’s come back to be Mr. McMillan’s date and Mr. McMillan’s erection says that he’s going to stay and enjoy himself. When Screech asks her what made her change her mind, she says her nephew insisted she fly back when she told him Bayside was in trouble and even insisted on flying back with her.Yes, in the contrivance of the century, Sandy’s nephew is Zack Morris, and this truly is a contrivance since Screech was at Zack Morris’s wedding and should have met Sandy unless she skipped her nephew’s wedding for hookers and blow. Also, Kelly decided she doesn’t give a shit about Bayside anymore now that she has 90210 to keep her warm. I have to say, I’m barely able to type these words from laughing my ass off at the horrible haircut he got post-The College Years. Seriously, he looks like a Dawson’s Creek reject who got a haircut from one of the Hanson kids. And, yeah, if the audience screamed loud for Slater and Lisa, they blew their lungs out for Zack Morris.
Zack Morris gives Mr. McMillan a speech about how much Bayside means to lots of starving orphans and nuns and how much Mr. McMillan should just leave Bayside alone.
There is an additional continuity issue here. It seems Slater hasn’t seen Zack Morris or Kelly for a while, because he asks how the wife’s doing. This seems to suggest either Zack Morris and Kelly dropped out of college or Slater dropped out of college. I’m guessing Slater dropped out since Sandy was flying to San Francisco to see Zack Morris and Kelly.
Now, keep in mind, while all this is going on, the gang, The New Class gang, is nowhere to be found. Were they having trouble in ratings? Where they so desperate they brought back the three cast members from Saved by the Bell who couldn’t find work after cancellation? In any case, this has officially become the Mr. Belding and Screech show. There’s not even an acknowledgement that Bobby and Rachel running for prom king and queen was an issue in the first part. It’s just like nothing from the first part matters because Zack Morris, Slater, and Lisa are here for pointless cameos.
Oh, but here’s our gang! The glee club is going to sing the school song…for the fucking prom. Seriously. I don’t think the writers ever went to their own proms…
In any case, here are the lyrics for the “school song:”
It seems like only yesterday we started,
But soon we’ll put away our books and pens,
We’ll go on with our lives once we have parted,
But how can we say farewell to our friends?
The double dates, the parties, and the dances,
Cramming for a mid-term until three,
The football games, The Max, and the romances,
Soon Bayside will be just a memory.
Our four years here have all become unraveled,
And so our high school story finally ends,
But years from now, no matter where we’ve traveled,
We’ll all look back and think about our friends.
Where do I even begin? High school songs are typically spirit songs used to get school spirit up during sports games. THEY’RE NOT EXPOSITION DEVICES FOR FUCKING STUPID ASS WRITERS WHO CAN’T BE BOTHERED TO FIND PROPER LITERARY DEVICES! No, there’s no excusing this. They really intend this to be the school’s song, as evidenced by Zack Morris singing along to it at one point. I…I don’t even know what else to say. Every time I think this show has done the stupidest thing it can possibly do, it finds something stupider to prove me wrong. No, really, these writers have no fucking clue what they’re doing! NONE!
So, let’s get this fucking episode over. Mr. McMillan’s icy cold heart has been melted by Sandy’s hot vagina, and he agrees to sell Bayside back for one dollar and allow the school board to keep the rest of the money for donations. Screech promptly provides the dollar and the illegal sale of public property is over.The gang thank Mr. Belding for helping them save Bayside, Mr. Belding thanks the gang for inspiring him not to give up, and our episode, and our season, ends with Screech tearing it up on the dance floor. And, yes, this episode does mark the swan song for Zack Morris, Slater, and Lisa. They will never be seen in the franchise again. What a lousy ending for them. Wedding in Las Vegas would have been a more dignified swan song. At least it wasn’t written by a pack of brain dead hyaenas high on LSD watching SpongeBob SquarePants.
And, with that excruciating episode over, that’s it for season two…at fucking last! As usual, I’ll have a recap on Wednesday and then, next week, we’ll jump in to season three and see how much worse this show can get.
Also, this review marks the one year anniversary of this blog. Thank you to everyone over the last year who has read and commented. You are why I keep watching horrible shows like The New Class. Thank you for an amazing first year! Here’s to a great year two ahead of us!