This week, we’re at Desert Springs Hotel, a luxury hotel in Palm Desert owned by David Spano, Jessie’s father. Yeah, Palm Desert, not Palm Springs. In case you were wondering, Palm Desert is a real city fourteen miles east of Palm Springs. So, in less than a minute, the writers have turned the title of this episode into a misnomer. Way to go, guys. Also, way to go on establishing Jessie’s father as the owner of the Marriott chain of hotels. Yes, that’s seriously a Marriott logo above the Desert Springs name. They were too lazy to cover up or remove the Marriott name to keep people from being confused. Wow, this episode just has everything going for it so far.
A Zack Morris voice over informs us that David is getting married this weekend and has invited all his daughter’s friends, for some reason. Guess her mom didn’t invite the gang earlier this season because she’s frightened of their various psychoses.
The gang sans Jessie admire the hotel as Zack Morris and Slater admire girls. One thing this season that I am completely confused about is Slater and Jessie’s relationship status. Some episodes they seem to be a happy couple. Other episodes, like this one and the Malibu Sands episodes, they aren’t together and Slater is pursuing other women. So what is it? Are they a couple or not?
The gang meet up with Jessie, who gives an exposition dump about how she’s never met her soon-to-be stepmother. David and his bride met at the hotel and fell in love really fast because that was the best way to foster conflict in this episode. Alas, the gang is to have dinner with David and his wife tonight.
Zack Morris, Screech, and Slater decide to go work out so they can check out scantily clad women. There, Zack Morris meets Leslie, the aerobics instructor, who, surprisingly, doesn’t seem to fall for Zack Morris’s bullshit.
Oh, and Screech hits on this horrified girl, who turns the speed of his treadmill up. The producers don’t even try to make it look like the treadmill has been turned up, though, instead opting for Dustin Diamond to march in place very fast for a minute. David meets the girls at the hotel restaurant, including a nervous Jessie, who wants to make a positive impression on her new stepmother. The boys soon join them, Zack Morris complaining about pain after trying to impress Leslie in an aerobics class off screen.
After a commercial break, Jessie tells all about how horrified she is that her father is marrying a woman who doesn’t live up to her expectations. In sitcom cliche number 5,432, Jessie hates the fact that Leslie is a woman much younger than her father because Leslie doesn’t live up to Jessie’s quasi-feminist standards.
David, Leslie, and the rest of the gang soon join them. Leslie asks Jessie to be her maid of honor. Jessie tries to wiggle out of it but soon discovers that Leslie’s anticipated every excuse she may have. David suggests that they take a boat ride to see where the wedding will be. Jessie is all, “I don’t want to be in a boat with Leslie because plot so I have a headache and need to leave.”
After Jessie leaves, David and Jessie tell the gang about how they met, which is not interesting at all but eats up a bit of running time. Speaking of eating the running time, we quite literally get to watch as a boat approaches the dock and all the passengers disembark. No dialogue. Just watching passengers getting off a damned boat. Oh, but Christina was on the boat so I guess that’s supposed to make this slow-moving scene worth it.
I…just realized. My standards for believability on this show have been lowered so greatly I barely questioned why there’s a fucking boat or a boat ride in a hotel. I just went with it. It’s more believable than Zack Morris being Native American or Jessie’s caffeine pill freak out, but just a little less believable than Screech being mistaken for an alien by a government agent.
Meanwhile, Screech comes running up wearing a horrible boat captain uniform because book. Is it just me or does he look like a little kid wearing a bad Halloween costume?
After the boat ride, they all walk along the pier. Leslie says this spot is where David asked her to marry him. Screech, in his usual display of brilliance, asks what she said and then proceeds to congratulate David, even though he is there for a wedding. I mention this only because Slater utters the most brilliant, perfect line regarding Screech ever uttered on this show: “It’s amazing. He just keeps getting worse every year.” Slater is my hero for this episode and maybe this season because of this prophetic line. It’s as if the writers were trying to explain future events in The College Years and The New Class before they happened.
Slater and Christina go off by themselves where Slater tries to grill Christina for more information. We find out Christina is from Lichtenbourg…
OH HELL FUCKING NO! They created a country for the purpose of…I don’t know why! Not only that, they took the names of two countries in Europe, Lichtenstein and Luxembourg, and just squished them together and expect us to buy this bull shit! I…I’m speechless. It’s bad enough they created fake colleges like Cal U and Stansbury, basically for no reason, but to create a fake country…
Oh, and she tells Slater she’s a princess, which he dismisses as being sarcastic. I’m sure this is the excuse for creating a fake country, but I call bull shit. They could have picked a real country that has a monarchy. I hate it when a show claiming to be realistic set in present day does shit like fake geography. Meanwhile, Kelly gives Zack Morris a shoulder rub for his sore shoulders while she talks about wanting to get married. She gets cold so Zack Morris gives her his jacket, and she says that he’s still a gentlemen, just like when they were going together. That’s why he tried to cheat on her with the school nurse: because he’s a gentleman.
Screech tries to offer Lisa his jacket but, of course, falls in the lake.
In the lobby, Zack Morris, Kelly, and Lisa meet Jessie, who gets pissed off that her friends don’t share her ageist prejudices regarding Leslie. She storms off back to her room with the others following.
But we don’t get to find out what happens next because it’s the next day and Slater and Christina are playing golf. Oh, nineties fashion. You make me feel embarrassed to admit your decade composed half of my developmental years.
Zack Morris, meanwhile, teaches Kelly to swing a club because women can’t play golf! There’s obvious tension in the air and, gee, I wonder what the subplot about them will be.A random man comes up clapping for Christina’s shot. Turns out he’s her father, the king of Lichtenbourg, and this suddenly makes Slater realize she really is princess of a made up country. This makes him nervous and nearly hits her father with a golf club when trying to hit the ball.
Screech comes riding up, still reading his stupid book. He says the book predicted Zack Morris and Kelly would get back together because it specifically named shoulder rubbing and the gentlemen giving the lady his jacket as steps to getting together. Um, contrived much? What if it had been a massage therapist giving Zack Morris a shoulder rub? Would he be getting together with her right now?
Screech says the next step is for the lady to buy the gentleman a drink so, of course, Kelly walks up with a drink for Zack Morris because we have to believe Screech’s stupid book is predicting something.
Slater tells Lisa all about how much it sucks that the princess of a made up country finds him hot. Lisa makes things all better by telling Slater to grow some balls and just be himself. If only all of life was that easily solved.
Leslie joins David and Jessie in the pool and Jessie gets hella pissed that Leslie thinks her father is attractive and feeds him chocolate kisses. Zack Morris and Kelly hop out of the pool and soon find themselves kissing because we couldn’t see this subplot coming from a mile away. Kelly walks away and Jessie soon takes her place, raving like a madwoman about how she’s going to stop David and Leslie’s wedding.And the episode ends with Zack Morris wondering how fucking psychotic the women in his life will be in part two of this episode.