It’s the first day of a new school year and we open the season at Lindsay’s house, where Lindsay and Rachel discover they both have the same horrible taste in clothes as they’ve both dressed up as the Hamburglar in drag. Tommy D comes in and the audience practically has a hernia over the fact he’s still on the show. I don’t get it. Did they think turning on the applause sign more would make him more like Slater? Anyway, he’s an idiot like usual and can’t tell Lindsay and Rachel are modeling for a new McDonald’s ad campaign so Lindsay says fuck this stupid shit and goes to change clothes.
Once Lindsay’s gone, Tommy D confesses to Rachel that he wants to ask Lindsay back out because he’s come to realize she’s the only woman who will ever find his idiocy endearing. We’re only a few minutes in and I think Tommy D and Rachel have had more interaction in this time than they did all last season.At Bayside, Tommy D gives a warm welcome to our three new regulars: Ryan Parker (Richard Lee Jackson), Maria Lopez (Samantha Becker), and R.J. “Hollywood” Collins (Salim Grant). Yes, “Hollywood” is his nickname. I won’t be calling him that, though, unless the episode calls for it because it’s a fucking stupid nickname that only the writers of The New Class could come up with. Our three new regulars are instantly hated because they’re former Valley students and, as we all know, Valley students are detested at Bayside unless it’s otherwise convenient to the plot. Maria was apparently head cheerleader at Bayside and talked hella shit against Bayside while Ryan was a prankster who stole the Bayside mascot so they’re obviously irredemable. R.J. is just unlikable as we will see the longer this season goes on.
Yeah, the school board decided to just randomly redistrict one hundred Valley students to Bayside and Tommy D, Lindsay, and Rachel are not very happy with this decision. Tommy D tries to choke Ryan to death and Maria kicks him in the shin. I have to say, I’m liking her already for her willingness to inflict physical pain to Tommy D, which is a good thing since she’s the first character we’ve met who will be around until the end of the series.
Also, Mr. Belding walks through and randomly declares that he’s lost fifteen pounds. Um, thanks for sharing and, once again, having no boundaries?
Since it’s a requirement that regulars on this show psychically know about The Max, Ryan, Maria, and R.J. gather to discuss how fucking stupid it is to be on this show. Ryan promises that he’ll show up our returning characters. Maria will be head cheerleader and R.J. will be the deejay at the annual Welcome Back dance, which I don’t think we’ve ever seen in the seven previous years of this franchise because it’s never been convenient to the plot. Meanwhile, Mr. Belding eats a rice patty and a stick of broccoli. Oh, I get it! The subplot is a stupid one about Mr. Belding’s weight. Didn’t we just do that last season? Screech waves lots of chocolate in his face to push the point home that this is what we’re supposed to care about.
Ryan comes in and tells Mr. Belding that the Valley girls aren’t happy because they’re scared that they won’t stand a chance when it’s time to choose head cheerleader. Mr. Belding and Screech start arguing over who’s more qualified to fall for Ryan’s plan and Ryan suggests they just both fall for his plan, which they like.
Meanwhile, Ryan heard from Scott that the best way to achieve popularity at Bayside is to date Lindsay, despite the fact that Tommy D dated her for two years and what did that actually accomplish? Naturally, his plan involves R.J. running through the hallway in his underwear. Yeah, Ryan’s out to convince Lindsay that Bayside kids are out to get Valley kids and the only way to counteract this is for a Bayside student to go to the dance with a Valley student, ergo R.J. in his underwear.
Yeah, this is all as stupid as it sounds, but it gets Lindsay to go to the dance with Ryan, just as Tommy D approaches with a bunch of flowers ready to ask Lindsay back out.
The next day, Ryan rigs the microphone to explode when Screech makes the afternoon announcements…somehow…and Mr. Belding spills Screech’s cookies all over the place. Ryan and R.J. run in as R.J. gives the most nonsensical explanation for a microphone exploding: “Freon in the reverberator wire.” Naturally, this explanation makes R.J. qualified to be deejay at the school dance. Did I miss something somewhere? This is like playing connect the dots with a blind person.
Also, Ryan leaves a diary supposedly written by Rachel. When Screech and Mr. Belding read it, it talks smack about the two of them and Bayside, making them hella pissed that she wants to be head cheerleader and not ready to be biased in any way. The next day, it’s time to choose head cheerleader. Rachel puts on her usual mediocre performance. Mr. Belding and Screech give her zeroes for talking smack about them.
Maria gives a similar mediocre performance and gets ten. Since they’re apparently the only two students in the school who want to be head cheerleader, she is named head cheerleader.
Tommy D asks Screech why he gave Rachel a horrible score and he spills the beans about Ryan.
Later, the hallway is toilet papered and vandalized. When Mr. Belding and Screech, having apparently been just inside Mr. Belding’s office in he midst of the vandalism when it occurred and having heard nothing, come to investigate, Tommy D and Rachel blame it on Ryan. Ryan opens his locker and out falls spray paint and toilet paper. They all argue and Mr. Belding finally figures out that it’s our six regulars being stupid again.
In the midst of the fighting, look who shows up! Oh, Milton and Ron, it’s somehow comforting to know you’re starting your tenth years at Bayside. The school just wouldn’t be the same without your mid-twenties selves in its hallways. Also, during the fighting, Screech can clearly be seen shaking Maria like a rag doll. I’m pretty sure that’s grounds for a law suit.
Mr. Belding gives the six detention together so they can think about this stupid feud. Mr. Belding leaves Screech in charge of detention, who promptly uses the time to build a literal house of cards. Lindsay sees the house as a metaphor for the relationship between the Bayside and Valley kids. I would think a year with Screech would have taught her that Screech doesn’t have thoughts, much less deep thoughts, but it gets the six talking about their feelings anyway. The Valley kids talk about how hard it is to be the new students on a stupid Saved by the Bell spin-off and the Bayside kids wonder why half their friends keep disappearing without explanation every season. At the dance, Mr. Belding makes the Bayside and Valley kids wear badges showing their school affiliation and restricts each group to half of the gym each as Screech dances idiotically in the middle. This is even enforced when Ron wants to use the restroom, which is on the Valley side of the gym, and is told he can’t because plot. Are they looking for a law suit this episode?
Both groups of kids decide this plot has gone far enough and they might as well accept their fate as one big gang for the next season. Ryan dances with Lindsay, Rachel with R.J., and Maria feels sorry for Tommy D’s idiocy, and they decide not to mention this incident anymore. R.J. takes over the controls at the deejay and reveals he has the same taste in elevator music as past characters who enjoyed deejaying. Mr. Belding’s subplot about losing weight ends with Screech hugging Mr. Belding and crushing a bunch of cookies in his jacket pockets. Boy, that was truly necessary to the rest of this episode.
Tommy D declares to Rachel he still wants to get back with Lindsay and our episode ends with Ryan not letting Tommy D cut in for a dance with Lindsay because he’s decided Lindsay might be able to help him with his infernal virginity.
Firsts: Ryan Parker, Maria Lopez, R.J. “Hollywood” Collins, Ryan and Tommy D feud over Lindsay.