You know, we had two episodes in a row of The New Class that weren’t exactly good, but were a huge improvement over last season. I had high hopes this trend would continue. Then this episode came along. This horrible rip-off of two Saved by the Bell episodes as well as a season one episode of The New Class. Oh, the things I watch for this site.
*sigh* Here we go. We open with Maria super-stoaked that her father is buying her a Cherokee for her upcoming sixteenth birthday. No, not a Native American, although that wouldn’t surprise me in the least coming from this show, but a car. Meanwhile, Lindsay turns down a date to The Max after school with Ryan so she can illegally practice driving with Tommy D. Wait…Lindsay is just learning to drive? She’s at least a junior, maybe a senior, by now. Why is she just now learning to drive? Why do I expect this show to have a chronology that makes sense?!?! Anyway, Ryan decides the only way to get Lindsay to go with him instead of Tommy D is to get his own car. Blah blah blah.
Mr. Belding and Screech come in and exposit on how Mr. Belding appointed the world’s most incompetent administrative assistant as a driver’s ed teacher, both because Mr. Tuttle refused to suffer the indignity of being on this show and because you apparently don’t need a teacher’s license or anything to teach in the state of California. This experience has turned Screech into a parking Nazi and he tells Mr. Belding that his car, which is named “Henrietta,” is being towed because it’s an inch over the parking line. It…so does not work that way. I get they’re trying to exaggerate things for humor but it doesn’t work if a) it’s not funny and b) it’s so transparently incorrect you don’t have to think about it.
Now it’s time for the worst driver’s ed class in the history of everything. Seriously…seriously…steering wheels on top of the desks…Mr. Tuttle’s airport shuttle was a more accurate depiction of driver’s ed classes. What are they going to learn from this? What can they possibly learn from this I ask you?!?!
We quickly establish in this scene that Maria has no clue about driving and does not belong on the road because she’s a smart ass.
We also meet Arthur, who’s excited by Rachel’s new-found lack of boyfriend. He wants to bang the bejesus out of her but she wants nothing to do with him because he’s trying too hard to be as snobbish as Maxwell Nerdstrom.
And, no joke, Screech’s method of teaching driver’s ed is to put on a gorilla mask and ask the students what they would do. How has he not been fired yet, or Mr. Belding fired for continuing to place him in situations the mentally ill should not be in? R.J.’s not worried about the gorilla, though, because he keeps a banana in his pocket. Screech is sure to go for bananas in teenagers’ pockets. Also, there’s a final tomorrow.
Tommy D walks in immediately after the bell rings, having been loitering outside the door rather than in class, and takes Lindsay for a “parking lesson,” which I assume is slang for “quick blowjob behind the Wal-Mart.” Ryan gets jealous and asks R.J. to chip in some money so they can buy a car, but R.J. has no money, so they turn to Rachel to chip in as well. She only has $20, so Ryan gets the best course of action is to get more partners, because nothing can go wrong with that idea.
Now this episode has only been bad so far. Here’s where it starts getting really terrible. Since Milton and Ron aren’t available this week, we have these two dip shits who make Milton and Ron’s performances look Emmy worthy by comparison. They’re easily manipulated into giving Ryan money with the suggestion that a car will make girls want to fuck them.
Our next contestants are two of the worst actors to ever portray extras in this franchise. They’re football players and, of course, way too old to be playing high school students. The one on the left annoys the hell out of me because his idea of being a jock is speaking with one of the worst fake lisps I’ve heard in my life. I hope we never have to see him beyond this episode. R.J. sells them on the car thing with promises of a Chinese restaurant in the vicinity.
Finally, Rachel sells four band geeks on the car with promises of a car to drive their instruments home in after band practice. First, why the hell are they dressed in a marching band uniform when they’re not marching? THAT’S NOT THE FUCKING WAY IT WORKS!!! Second, can they be any less transparent with this subplot? They’ve just sold rights on a car to eleven different people. Gee, I wonder what’s going to happen?
Maria comes in and brags about her car and says she can get a Nintendo put in. I wish I could play Nintendo right now.
Back at Bayside, Screech tells Mr. Belding almost everyone passed the Driver’s Ed final and also informs him that he’s continuing this kick of being a driving Nazi by having Mr. Belding’s car inspected. There are some violations that he’s going to have Tommy D fix because we need to advance the plot.
Mr. Belding leaves to inspect his car as Maria comes in. Turns out she failed the final and begs Screech to pass her so she can get the car. Screech, because he has no professional boundaries, agrees because Maria bugs him enough and asks him to have a heart.
Arthur comes in and asks Rachel to be his date to Maria’s party. Rachel tells him to fuck off before she rips his penis off. After she leaves, though, Ryan tells him that Rachel really wants his hot ass but is too distracted by her lack of car. He gives Ryan the $600 for the car as Arthur goes off thinking he’s getting lucky.
Of course Maria’s party is being thrown at The Max. Where else would it be held? I mean, fuck, this place seems to do nothing but cater to the whims of students at Bayside. It’s no wonder they once almost went out of business.
Naturally, Maria invited one of her teachers to her party and, continuing on the theme of Screech not understanding appropriate faculty/student relations, goes. Maria’s father thanks Screech for doing such a good job teaching Maria driver’s ed. Screech feels guilty that he’s so easily manipulated. Also, the band members continue to wear their marching band uniforms at Maria’s party. Seriously, real kids don’t do this!!!
Arthur asks Rachel to dance and, though she tells him to fuck off at first, Ryan convinces her to dance. After a really horrible attempt to sexually harass Rachel, Arthur reveals he gave Ryan the money for the car and she goes over to kill Ryan.
Tommy D comes in with Lindsay and tells Screech he accidentally locked Mr. Belding’s keys in the trunk…somehow. Going down in the book of, “why the hell are you keeping this secret?,” Screech tells Tommy D they can sneak into his office and get his spare set of keys. Really, locking the keys in the car is not a big deal! It happens to the best of us all the time! Why is this a problem!
Maria’s father gives her the keys to the car and she takes the gang sans Tommy D for a spin. Since she’s shitty at driving, she pays more attention to the vanity mirror and radio, even when she’s turning into the school.
Mr. Belding wants his car back but Screech can’t stop making demon possession sounds so Ryan tells Mr. Belding that Tommy D is finishing it up. Ryan wants to distract Mr. Belding with his new car, but the eight other owners of the car pick that moment to want to take it out for a spin…and of course the band members are still wearing the marching band uniforms since they’re apparently a part of their skin now.
Ryan gets word to Screech about the car, and Screech uses his great skills in paddy cake to try to keep Mr. Belding from looking out the window. He does, though, and sees some really horrible stereotypes sitting in what he believes is his car.
Everyone starts arguing about who owns the car when Tommy D comes out and, in a signature stupid Tommy D move, blurts out directly in front of Mr. Belding that he needs another part for the car. Screech and Maria come clean and Mr. Belding is all, “That’s okay! You learned a lesson so the only consequence is Maria has to take Driver’s Ed against next semester!” Seriously, Screech does not get fired for this. Can he do nothing worthy of termination at this school? However, Ryan gets detention because his deception was the worse than misusing his power or getting into a hit and run accident. Geez, priorities Mr. Belding! Ryan’s the least of your worries in this episode! You have a non-teacher who’s abused his power and another student who committed a felony and you’re worried about cover-ups and lies, which technically every member of the gang did this week? I’m sorry to say but I think Ryan’s getting shafted here.
Arthur comes up asking Rachel why she’s avoiding him. She tells him to fuck off back to whatever hole the casting director found him in so he demands his money back from Ryan. Ryan agrees to sell the car and pay everyone back and our episode ends with Ryan asking Lindsay to still go to the beach with him but on the bus, because only poor and old people take the bus!