Monthly Archives: February 2015

Saved by the Bell Season 3, Episode 25: “Home for Christmas, Part 2”

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Zack Morris, looking more like Ken, than usual, opens with a recap of last week’s episode. Like in “Palm Springs Weekend,” this recap leaves much to be desired, and Screech’s baby doll that peed all over him is told as if it’s a major plot point that you couldn’t see this episode without. These writers…I tell you what!

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The episode proper opens where we left off, with the boys discovering Laura is the daughter of the world’s best manicured homeless man. Turns out homeless man finally has a name, Frank. It’s not really said outright but it’s implied that Frank passed out because of lack of a properly nutritious meal. Zack Morris decides that, since his father is out of town, his mother won’t mind if he brings his homeless friend home for dinner.
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At Zack Morris’s house, Melanie shows where her son gets his insensitivity by saying she’s never met a real live homeless man before and Frank is all, “I’m not a fucking lion, you psycho.” Naw, that would be the sensible thing. Instead, he says he never knew any homeless people either before he became one. At Zack Morris’s prompting, Frank tells us his story of how he lost his job when the computer factory he worked for closed. Yeah, those were closing in droves in the early ’90s since no one used computers anymore! He couldn’t find another job and couldn’t pay rent, so they found themselves on the street. They drove to California hoping to find better opportunities, but every company hired someone else because he has no home address or phone.

Now, I’ve volunteered at a homeless day shelter and this is a completely unfair situation that makes it unduly difficult for homeless people in the United States to find employment. But I have two questions: where did they get the money to drive to California, and how did Laura get a job if they have no home address? No, really, this is a big, gaping plot hole. Obviously they’re getting mail somewhere if Laura got a job so why is this a hindrance to Frank? I’m not being insensitive to the plight of the homeless here. I’m merely pointing out that the writers of this episode, like usual, ignore simple facts when it makes for better television.

Frank and Laura leave us with a scene to pull at heartstrings again since we don’t know where they’re going to sleep, but, if Baywatch taught me anything, it’s that the lifeguard towers in L.A. are very easy to break into and live in.

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The next day at the mall, the gang helps Melanie set up for the play, and Zack Morris is just overly enthusiastic about working for his mommy during Christmas break.vlcsnap-2015-02-13-11h22m07s235

Screech is…trying to be annoying here, but I don’t get why the audience thinks this is gross. He’s eating egg foo yung with extra garlic sauce. Seriously, what’s weird about that? Are they implying Chinese food is weird?

Laura comes in and Zack Morris practically force feeds her a muffin. They rap about what it’s like to be homeless and Laura says that people shy away from her because she’s homeless. Okay, they’re doing a really bad job here of convincing me that people would stay away from Laura for being homeless. I mean, the word “homeless” isn’t written all over her forehead.vlcsnap-2015-02-13-11h24m03s107 At the store, Laura sees a sports jacket she’d like to buy her father so he can wear it to interviews but she can’t afford it. Kelly suggests she ask Mr. Moody for an advance on her salary, but we’re supposed to hate Mr. Moody because damned capitalists so he summarily dismisses the idea. Kelly tries to plea for Laura, and lets it slip that Laura’s homeless. Mr. Moody’s reaction: “I should have recognized that from her lack of address!” Actually, no he really says that people like “that” steal and he wouldn’t have hired her if he’d known she was homeless. Way to drop the straw man stereotypes there, Saved by the Bell.vlcsnap-2015-02-13-11h24m51s76

Zack Morris comes to pick up Kelly for the play, and he convinces Mr. Moody to let Laura participate by promising Mr. Moody the sales at his store will double if Laura is in the play. He’s obviously going to have Jessie strip and donate the profits to Mr. Moody! As Zack Morris and Laura leave, Kelly takes the sports jacket and puts it on hold, telling another clerk that she intends to buy it for Laura.vlcsnap-2015-02-13-11h26m54s32

And now, here’s the part you’ve all been waiting for: five minutes of the Saved by the Bell cast interpreting A Christmas Carol. As far as the actual interpretation goes, it’s not terrible other than Screech inexplicably playing Scrooge. Yeah, he looks like a retarded version of Burgess Meredith playing the Penguin. Zack Morris is Bob Cratchit. vlcsnap-2015-02-13-11h27m51s82

Laura plays the Ghost of Christmas present, and she sure did a good job in twenty minutes of memorizing her role. People in this universe must have a photographic memory. Screech now looks like he should be in a production of Little Red Riding Hood so he can play the wolf after he ate Grandma.vlcsnap-2015-02-13-11h28m31s224

Melanie plays Mrs. Cratchit (that’s quite an Oedipus complex there!) while Lisa and Jessie play the Cratchit daughters.vlcsnap-2015-02-13-11h28m59s251

And their choice for Tiny Tim? Yeah, apparently Screech isn’t allowed within five hundred feet of young children after he kidnapped that little girl back at Malibu Sands, so we’re stuck with Slater as Tiny Tim. None of this is horrible, but it does beg the question: whoever wanted to see the cast of Saved by the Bell interpret Dickens? vlcsnap-2015-02-13-11h29m44s191

I do wonder wear they got such a tiny turkey to represent how little they can afford on Cratchit’s salary. Did they take one of those little chicks that Max used to keep in his pants and roast it? Poor little chick…
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Oh, and Zack Morris’s plan to double Mr. Moody’s sales? Why, insert commercials for Mr. Moody’s store in random places in a Dicken’s classic. Because the true meaning of Christmas is buying shit at the mall! Way to ruin a classic holiday story, guys…

So, fifteen minutes into the show, the writers realized that there’s been no real conflict yet, so let’s randomly throw some in! Mr. Moody discovers the sports jacket gone and immediately jumps to the conclusion that Laura stole it because homeless people suck. He confronts Laura, who denies stealing the jacket, but Mr. Moody, with no evidence, decides it’s time to call the police. Laura runs out crying as Zack Morris and Kelly come in. Kelly calls Mr. Moody an overly simplistic caricature of society’s disdain for homeless people and tells him that she had the coat put aside so she could buy it. The two of them go to search for Laura.

After a commercial break, the gang and Melanie haven’t been able to find Laura. They decide to keep looking, so they split up. Zack Morris and Melanie go in her car, and they decide to meet at the Morris house at 8:00.

They end up at a Christmas tree lot and still haven’t found Laura. But, let’s buy a Christmas tree because that’ll make everything better!vlcsnap-2015-02-13-11h36m13s231

Zack Morris and Melanie find Frank and Laura in the parking lot. Zack Morris and Melanie explain what happened at the mall, and, after Frank reveals they live in their car, Melanie says that’s no way to spend Christmas Eve.vlcsnap-2015-02-13-11h36m55s130

So let’s invite two people we barely know to the Morris house along with five kids who apparently don’t want to spend Christmas Eve with their own families because Peter Engel didn’t feel like paying to bring back the actors and actresses needed.vlcsnap-2015-02-13-11h37m36s40

Mr. Moody gives Laura the jacket and an apology for being a complete stereotype. It was convenient that Melanie left the door open so he could come in without knocking! Zack Morris says that he and Melanie talked to his father about staying at their house until they get back on their feet, and he was completely fine with inviting two strangers to live with them. Boy, let’s hope they get back on their feet by next episode or the show might actually have to pay for two new regulars! Nah, we’re just going to forget they ever existed, aren’t we?vlcsnap-2015-02-13-11h39m06s175

Laura gives Zack Morris a little something something for his trouble as Melanie looks on envious, wishing Laura would give her a little something something.vlcsnap-2015-02-13-11h39m46s56

And our episode ends with Frank playing piano so our cast can sing us out with “Silent Night.” Well, most of them. I’m not convinced Mark-Paul Gosselaar was really singing.vlcsnap-2015-02-13-11h40m34s28And, from Saved by the Bell…Reviewed! to you, Merry Christmas…in February…or some shit. Yeah, the episode order doesn’t often work out on review blogs for holiday episodes like this. We’ll just pretend like it’s really Christmas or some shit like that. But, hey, stay tuned for the season finale next week!

The New Class Season 3, Episode 7: “Maria’s Movie Star”

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We open at the mall, where Lindsay, Maria, and R.J. are bummed that the writers remembered they have jobs, while Rachel looks for another job since no one liked her perfume that smelled like ass. Ryan really doesn’t understand how jobs work because he keeps trying to get Lindsay to ditch hers to go to the beach with him since it’s a three-day weekend. Yeah, that’s one way to lose your job fast!

vlcsnap-2015-02-09-17h58m53s160Tommy D has a new job as well, as the maintenance person for the mall. It’s kind of sad because that means Tommy D wasn’t even cut out to wear a chicken costume for a living. Maria gushes over the movie poster Tommy D is washing because Justin Wells is apparently the hottest actor in the Saved by the Bell universe now that Johnny Dakota’s career has gone down in shame. The gang think that if they were only Johnny Dakota, they wouldn’t have to work on three day weekends and could do whatever they wanted. Maybe it’s not just Ryan. Maybe it’s the entire gang who don’t understand how jobs work since they don’t seem to grasp that being an actor is a tough job. Of course, these characters are played by actors who look like they couldn’t even do a convincing performance as a Teletubby.

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Our B-plot this week is that the sports store is having a contest: whoever guesses closest to how many jelly beans are in this container wins a mountain bike. Naturally, Mr. Belding picked the most incompetent person possible to handle the jelly beans and it results in him randomly deciding to eat some of the candy and talking like the Hamburglar since the writers seem to think that eating jelly beans makes you talk like Ronald McDonald’s arch-nemesis. Mr. Belding naturally gets pissed off and makes Screech recount them all, while Screech, as usual, seems to have no concept of what he did wrong. Also, Mr. Belding randomly obsesses over the possibility someone may steal the mountain bike because it’s a lot easier to steal than the other, smaller merchandise that the store carries.vlcsnap-2015-02-09-18h01m33s229

At the Japanese restaurant, Maria recognizes one of her customers as being Justin Wells himself. She freaks out and starts talking really loudly, which he politely asks her not to do. Justin says he’s in disguise so he can spend a day without anyone recognizing who he is, and see his new movie with a real audience rather than yes-men who will tell him what he wants to hear, like whoever keeps telling Peter Engel that The New Class is a good show. He asks her not to tell his secret,

Justin asks Maria not to tell the rest of the gang about him. Ryan, Lindsay, and Rachel choose just that moment to come in, and Maria introduces Justin as “Tim Pura.” Wow, that’s almost as clever as how Robin Williams gets the name Mrs. Doubtfire. The difference is Mrs. Doubtfire is a funny movie. This is fucking stupid.vlcsnap-2015-02-09-18h03m13s203

Back at the sports show, Screech proves he’s even incompetent at counting. There’s a “gag,” and I use that in the loosest meaning of the word, where R.J. serves a customer in the background while Screech is counting, and every time he says a number to the customer, Screech forgets his place and starts counting with the number R.J. said. I get that it’s supposed to be funny, but it really just makes Screech look like he should have never passed first grade.

On the phone, Mr. Belding finds out that there’s been several robberies in the mall so Mr. Belding asks a security guard to come lock the bike away. Uh, if someone robs you, they’re probably going to want more than just your stupid bike, Mr. Belding. Most robbers prefer money. Mr. Belding leaves to run an errand, unfortunately once again trusting his store to a man who’s less intelligent than the jelly beans he’s counting.

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R.J.’s customer tries on roller blades but quickly spirals out of controls, knocking the jelly beans out of Screech’s hand. Since, for whatever reason, the container Screech used was a glass one, it shatters and spreads jelly beans all over the place. Screech, apparently oblivious to the safety of an out of control roller blader in the mall, goes to find a new container and leaves R.J. in charge. R.J. chases after the customer to make sure she doesn’t like die or anything, leaving the store empty of employees.

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Meanwhile, Ryan continues pressuring Lindsay to blow off work and go to the beach. Since nobody on this show understand how jobs work, they decide that Rachel can just randomly cover for Lindsay without being hired or anything.

Maria feels dirty that she didn’t tell the gang the truth about Justin because people have an inherent right to know when a celebrity is around and she tells them everything, including every bowel movement she has, but Justin thanks her for covering for him. He says he just wants to be like them this weekend, which means a man in his mid-twenties gets to hang out with six high school students. Yeah, sounds like the usual route this franchise takes. Maria suggests Justin take a job as a busboy at the Japanese restaurant since this episode just can’t understand Business 101.vlcsnap-2015-02-09-18h13m52s189

R.J.’s customer gets away from him, which must mean that she shoplifted the roller blades she was wearing. See, what did I tell you! With Screech and R.J. working at the shop, the bike should be the least of their worries. Screech managed not only to secure a new jar, but also to refill it with jelly beans, all without having to reenter the store…where the jellybeans should be scattered across the god damned floor! Along with basic business, this show doesn’t understand basic continuity. They enter the store and find the bicycle missing.

Naturally Screech doesn’t want Mr. Belding to find out how incompetent he is so Screech decides to go make some fast money to replace the bicycle. Uh, so is Screech going to prostitute himself or sell drugs, because those are really the only way to make money fast enough to replace the bike without Mr. Belding finding out. God, please let it be selling drugs because I really don’t want a very special episode about Screech’s life as a sex worker.vlcsnap-2015-02-09-18h14m40s162

With R.J. in charge of keeping Mr. Belding’s attention away from the missing bicycle, R.J. does the logical thing and locks Mr. Belding in the storage room. Wow…I don’t know whether to be impressed or scared that R.J. did what Zack Morris never could: disposing of Mr. Belding.vlcsnap-2015-02-09-18h15m24s91

At the Japanese restaurant, Justin apparently makes a good bus boy and decides that, since he’s acting like one of the gang, he wants to go out with them. Thus, a man in his mid-twenties asks Maria, a high school student, out on a date to see his new movie, and quickly flirts with Maria so the audience can lose their shit.vlcsnap-2015-02-09-18h15m53s125

Now this man has the best character name in the history of forever. This man is credited in the closing credits as “Mr. Owner.” Yes, no joke. This man’s name is Mr. Owner. Yes, The New Class is now getting their character names from the world of “too literal names” that PBS cartoons inhabit. He probably hangs out with Mr. Conductor and Barney the Dinosaur.

Anyway, Mr. Owner’s sole role is to introduce the new chef at the restaurant. My friends, I cannot believe what I have to critique. This is beyond fucking ridiculous. vlcsnap-2015-02-09-18h16m11s38

This is what happens when casual racism and not understanding the basics of business come together in one cluster fuck of idiocy. Yes, Screech’s idea to get quick money is to get another job. This is now officially the stupidest subplot in the history of this franchise. Getting another job means Screech has to wait a week to two weeks to receive his money on a paycheck! Is R.J. really going to keep Mr. Belding locked in a storage room that long? That’s actually kind of dark!

Also, being a chef at a Japanese restaurant, especially one selling sushi, means being very talented and practiced in the industry. It’s kind of insulting that Screech could come in off the street and become the new chef. Of course, it doesn’t surprise me that the writers of this show don’t understand Japanese food. It’s the latest in a long stream of things they don’t understand.
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Meanwhile, at the video store…

Wait a second, what the fuck? Lindsay works at a video store. Why the fuck are they selling Jazzmatazz, a real series of hip hop and jazz recordings from the mid-90s? Do…do the writers of this show not understand the difference between a video and a CD? Are they all completely brain dead?

I haven’t been able to say this nearly as much this season, so here goes: OH MY FUCKING GOD I HATE THIS SHOW!

Ah, that feels cathartic!

Anyway, the video store’s owner, Mr. Moody, fires Lindsay for leaving the store unintended. Turns out Rachel decided to go shopping rather than watch the store, which is why real businesses don’t allow their employees to just randomly hire replacements for themselves. Meanwhile, Screech comes in and gets another part time job at the video store. Do the writers for this show think that stores pay employees out of the cash register at the end of the day?vlcsnap-2015-02-09-18h18m05s155

At the movie theater, Maria’s super excited to be on a date with another guy way too old for her, and she has to cover her lady boner with that pop corn. vlcsnap-2015-02-09-18h19m16s89

Ryan, Lindsay, and Rachel commiserate over how huge of dumb asses they are, and Tommy D, the ultimate dumb ass of the group, joins them. Screech comes in and shines a flashlight randomly in lots of people’s faces since he’s gained yet another job, and tries to hawk videos and “sushi popcorn,” because, if Lindsay got fired for leaving the video store unattended, it makes complete sense that Screech could be three places at once.
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Screech finally returns to the sports store and finds out about R.J. locking Mr. Belding in the storage room. Screech puts the lotion in the bucket and then Mr. Belding puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again. Screech lets Mr. Belding out of the room and, as you can see, he’s quite terrified of the monster he’s discovered in the store.vlcsnap-2015-02-09-18h20m43s210

After the movie, Maria and Justin talk really loudly in the middle of the mall about their date and who Justin really is, since the best way to keep people from knowing who you are if you’re a celebrity is to stand in the middle of a mall and declare your identity for all the world to hear. Justin kisses Maria, causing the audience to lose its shit again, and, as they walk away, we see Ryan was standing nearby and heard the entire thing.

After a commercial break, Ryan, Lindsay, and Rachel return to the video store where Ryan tells the girls that “Tim Pura” is not who they think he is. Of course, Ryan wants to use Justin’s identity to get Lindsay her job back because he’s a piece of shit. He convinces Mr. Moody that, if they can get a celebrity to visit the video store, he’ll rehire Lindsay, because leaving a store unattended is totally forgivable if you know famous people.

Screech has had thirteen jobs since yesterday, all of which apparently pay him under the table in cash. Uh, the IRS is going to come in and shut down this entire mall at this rate! Yet, he doesn’t have enough money to buy another bike because…plot? I don’t know! None of this shit makes any sense. It’s like it was written by a guy who wrote some of the worst episodes of the original Saved by the Bell, like “Close Encounters of the Nerd Kind,” “Running Zack,” “Breaking Up is Hard to Undo,” “The Last Dance,” and “The Surgery.” Oh, wait, it seems like that because it was! Oh, Jeffrey J. Sachs, you give me no faith in your ability to craft a coherent story!

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Screech sees a security guard with the bicycle and naturally assumes that the guard stole the bike, because that makes complete sense. Screech and R.J. try to assault the guard and finally has to tell the truth about his incompetence. Mr. Belding says that Screech should have told the truth since it’s kind of hard to go lower than complete idiocy in his book and this subplot finally ends.

At the Japanese restaurant, Ryan, Lindsay, and Rachel come in and invite Maria and Justin to a party at the video store. Maria tells Justin she’ll meet him at the party after she changes because, unlike video stores, Japanese restaurants can easily be left unattended.

Outside the video store, Maria finds Tommy D painting a sign that says, “Welcome Justin.” Tommy D, being almost as big an idiot as Screech, doesn’t know whether “Wells” has two or three l’s, so he asks Maria. Maria threatens to kick the shit out of Tommy D if he doesn’t tell her what’s going on, and Tommy D tells her that he was asked to paint a sign welcoming Justin as the video store’s celebrity guest. Maria decides there’s only one person assholish enough to do something like this, and goes to find and kill Ryan, sign in hand.vlcsnap-2015-02-09-18h25m54s243Maria confront Ryan and tells him how much of a selfish prick he is for only thinking about himself and how he’s hit a new low for this show. Ryan, Lindsay, and Rachel quickly see the light of reason and decide they have to stop this before it happens. Justin chooses that moment to get off the elevator, while Screech and R.J. talk about how Mr. Moody one the jelly bean contest. Ryan points at Screech and R.J. and says that they’re the mystery guest, Bob Saget from America’s Funniest Home Videos, and all the shoppers in front of the video store run to mob Bob Saget. One, uh, no. The shoppers of this mall have to be complete morons when they chase after Screech and R.J. beleiving them to be Bob Saget. Two, Full House was at the height of its popularity around this time. Where they afraid that, if they mentions Bob Saget as being from Full House, people would realize that, while Full House sucks ass, it’s a hundred times better show than The New Class?

Anyway, Justin tells Maria he has to go to New York for an acting gig and they part with a sad goodbye. Justin promises that, if the writers of this show remember he exists, he’ll come back and visit. They kiss, Justin leaves, and the gang comfort her while Maria exposits the moral of the episode: that movie stars have tough lives. Nice moral message there, guys. And our episode ends with Tommy D running in to show off that he got Bob Saget’s autograph because the pain fumes he sniffs are fast eating away at whatever little mind he has left.

Saved by the Bell Season 3, Episode 24: “Home for Christmas, Part 1”

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Well, in case you can’t tell, it’s Christmas in Saved by the Bell land, and Zack Morris has his stocking hung, hoping Santa will bring him that new fleshlight he’s been eyeing.

vlcsnap-2015-02-06-18h00m33s142We open at the Morris household, where everybody wants to eat Melanie’s cookies. Bet she hasn’t been able to say that since she was a teenager herself. Maybe that’s why her first husband mysteriously disappeared in the movie to California. Anyway, the gang all talk about what they’re doing over Christmas break. Slater, Kelly, and Jessie are working at the mall while Lisa is volunteering as a candy striper at the hospital to cheer up children who can’t go home for Christmas. Is it strange that I’m smiling the writers actually remembered something from earlier in the season?
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At the mall, Slater sucks ass at his job wrapping presents. He somehow manages to put a woman’s champagne glasses in a box and not tape up the bottom of the box. I’m quite impressed at this level of incompetence, but the woman isn’t as she actually tries to strangle Slater to death. Yeah, no joke, she tries to kill Slater. I’m not exaggerating. What’s worse, Zack Morris and Slater’s coworker stand by and do nothing until Slater calls for help. Wow, this Christmas episode is taking a dark turn already.vlcsnap-2015-02-06-18h03m24s56

Jessie’s job is working as one of Santa’s elves, and this little boy thinks it sucks ass he has to be on Saved by the Bell at Christmas time. Jessie threatens to have Santa not bring him any presents unless he smiles for the camera, and the little boy promptly kicks Jessie in the leg and tells her that at least he’s not a future stripper.

You know, I just realized, as perverse as the Schadenfreude on this show can get, I kind of wish that it had been Screech the woman was trying to kill, or Screech that the little boy kicked. Why couldn’t it be Screech? That’s all I want for Christmas!vlcsnap-2015-02-06-18h03m51s72

Zack Morris runs into this girl, quite literally, and quickly finds out her name is Laura. Since she has a vagina, Zack Morris is interested in the possibility she could steal his cursed virginity, but she rushes off quite fast to get to work. Now, begin the not so subtly inserted clues of who Laura is as Zack Morris notices her lunch is only an apple.vlcsnap-2015-02-06-18h04m47s106

Meanwhile Screech buys a doll for the hospital Christmas party whose only function is to pee on you. I always wondered this about girls’ toys: why do girls want to do things like deal with a baby doll that cries and pees? I have to say, I would throw that fucking thing across the room.vlcsnap-2015-02-06-18h06m23s61

The baby doll is enough of an excuse to get us into the restroom, though, where this incredibly clean and well-manicured homeless man shows Screech how to dry his pants using the hand dryer. Zack Morris and Screech realize he’s homeless once he starts shaving in the sink, and Zack Morris does the single most generous thing I think I’ve ever seen him do in this franchise: he leaves a wad of money for the man to find. Better be careful here, Saved by the Bell, or you might have me feeling sympathy towards Zack Morris. It’s quickly counterbalanced by Screech making some of the most insensitive jokes towards a homeless man I’ve ever seen in this franchise, or on any show for that matter. Jesus, where’s the woman who tried to kill Slater? We could use her right now!vlcsnap-2015-02-06-18h11m47s230

At Kelly’s job, it turns out Kelly works with Laura, who keeps changing the subject rather than talk about her home life. Zack Morris comes in and immediately starts hitting on Laura again and asks her to lunch. He starts making asshole comments, though about giving money to the homeless and not knowing if they’ll spend it on food or crack or hookers. Laura’s all, “God you’re an idiot!” and storms off.vlcsnap-2015-02-06-18h13m37s41

At the food court, Slater and Lisa make fun of Zack Morris for blowing a date before it even started. Yeah, like they’re ones to talk. Lisa’s a codependent serial monogamist and Slater’s forgotten Denise Richards even existed back at Malibu Sands.vlcsnap-2015-02-06-18h14m09s118

Oh, and it’s time for some hilarious sexual harassment! Come on, Lisa! Take that ketchup bottle and shove it up Screech’s ass! I know you can do it!vlcsnap-2015-02-06-18h15m39s242

Laura comes in with Kelly and Zack Morris apologizes for being an insensitive ass. He points out that he comes from a place of white upper middle class privilege so he was unaware that homeless people were human as well. She accepts his apology and sits down to have lunch with him, scarfing down much of his meal.vlcsnap-2015-02-06-18h16m44s125

Afterwards, Zack Morris takes her to sit on Santa’s lap, and I think Santa’s getting a woody that he gets to have one of Zack Morris’s girls sit on his lap. Also, the boy who kicked Jessie earlier returns to insult her some more. Boy, I love this kid! He needs to be a regular!vlcsnap-2015-02-06-18h17m39s164

Melanie comes in and basically warns Laura that Zack Morris might try to lose his virgin status and that she should sick Screech on him if that becomes a problem. Melanie also invites Laura to be in the mall production of A Christmas Carol that all the gang is going to be in. Laura isn’t sure she can ask for time off but Zack Morris reminds her that she can always get time off when it’s convenient to the plot.

At the gift wrapping station, Lisa berates Slater for his sucky ass gift wrapping skills. The homeless man comes up and redoes the wrapping job. Lisa leaves to go to the hospital for the Christmas party and, after the homeless man asks for some gift wrap scraps, he gives the man a whole roll of wrapping paper.

Zack Morris and Screech come in to get Slater so they can go to the hospital when they notice a crowd gathering.vlcsnap-2015-02-06-18h20m47s249

The homeless man’s passed out on the floor, so Slater immediately…unbuttons his shirt. Okay, who put Dustin Diamond’s porno in my box set? Luckily Slater starts doing something useful and uses his lifeguarding skills on the man while Screech calls 9-1-1…after he finds out the number.

vlcsnap-2015-02-06-18h22m23s191 At the store, Kelly and Laura gush over her picture with Santa when the shop owner, Mr. Moody comes out. There’s been far too much generosity in this episode so Mr. Moody’s job is to be the stereotypical Scrooge type boss and refuse to let Laura off so she can be in the play. How horrible…he wants his employee to work. What a horrible guy he is.

The rest of the gang sans Lisa come to collect Kelly and Zack Morris tells Kelly and Laura about the homeless man. She asks if he’s okay but Zack Morris is all, “There’s no time for that crap! We’ve got to go entertain sick children so we can tug at even more of our audience’s heart strings!”vlcsnap-2015-02-06-18h23m13s161

At the hospital, Lisa helps the kids decorate the tree.vlcsnap-2015-02-06-19h26m46s138Lisa asks this little boy if he wants to put the star on top of the tree. He’s all, “Bitch, I’m too short to reach the top of the tree. Quit talking smack!” Lisa gets a random tall guy to help him reach, and he’s all, “Yo, that was real cool, mama. Wanna go back to my room and make babies?”vlcsnap-2015-02-06-18h24m13s5

The rest of the gang come in dressed as characters from Santa mythology, and I swear they missed out on an opportunity here to have Dennis Haskins dressed as Santa. Instead, Zack Morris is Santa, and the gang hand out presents to the kids. Also, Screech practically orgasms from Lisa kissing him, and the little boy is all, “Yo, sucker, get your fucking hands off my woman!”vlcsnap-2015-02-06-18h25m10s35

Slater tries to calm the young man’s rage with a present, but he’s all, “Yo, this wrapping job is all whack! Who’s the dumb ass who did this?” He figures out that Slater did and is all, “Get yo ass out of my face now before I pop a cap in yo ass!”

The gang decide to go visit the homeless man, and I kid you not, they find out his room number by asking for the homeless man who passed out in the mall. It’s nice to know that the staff is so up on every patient in the hospital. Before they go, fake snow comes streaming down…from the ceiling of a hospital…on top of sick kids…yeah, that sounds really sanitary. Can you say “malpractice?” The little boy is all, “Yo, what’s this bull shit? It doesn’t snow in Los Angeles!” I’m actually quite surprised the writers of this show know it doesn’t snow in L.A. They get so many other basic facts wrong that I just take it for granted they live in little padded sense deprivation rooms a hundred feet below the ground.

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At the homeless man’s room, the boys are surprised to find Laura there, who finally admits, in the most obvious plot twist in television history, that this man is her father. Yeah, I think it was easier to figure this out than to figure out that M*A*S*H would conclude with the end of the Korean War.vlcsnap-2015-02-06-18h27m46s79And our episode ends with the boys looking awkwardly at Laura and her father and trying to figure out what they should say in part two since they have twenty more minutes to tug at some more emotions for Christmas.
As a side note, the end credits list “Santa Clause as Himself” as a guest star. Jesus, do the writers think that the intended teenage demographic of this show haven’t figured out how Santa works yet? Way to really insult your audience’s intelligence there!
Firsts: Christmas!

The New Class Season 3, Episode 6: “Big Screech on Campus”

Remember how a few weeks ago I praised Leslie Eberhard’s writing for “What’s the Problem?” and called it the only episode of The New Class I actually like? Well, this episode is here to remind us that not even a good writer can always save an episode of this show because he’s the writer of this stupid episode.

We’re at Cal U this week, and I want to point out how horribly dated the stock footage used for the exterior is. I mean, check this out.vlcsnap-2015-02-02-16h36m47s46 vlcsnap-2015-02-02-16h36m55s108 First of all, this footage is so blantantly a different quality from the footage used for the rest of the episode. It’s obvious they weren’t shot by the same person at the same time. Second, keep in mind this season takes place in 1995. Everyone’s hair and clothes in this stock clip looks like they’re from the ’70s! They couldn’t even find something from the right decade to represent Cal U!vlcsnap-2015-02-02-16h37m46s131Well, with even the first few seconds painfully oblivious to the rest of its conext, let’s check out the episode proper. We open inside Cal U, I assume at the restaurant Slater used to work at, where Rachel and Maria are determined to find an older man to fuck them or die trying. Mr. Belding, Tommy D, and R.J. soon join them, with Mr. Belding lecturing them that there will be no statutory rape on this trip so they best be putting on their nun habits so they can get to doing what they came there for, whatever the hell that is.

Really, what are they randomly doing at a college in a city 380 miles away from Bayside? It’s never really explained in the episode other than they’re there to sit in on random classes. I know, it’s a lame excuse to have more out of the classroom episodes since those worked so well last season, but it’s still pretty inexplicable.

Speaking of inexplicable, Mr. Belding realizes Lindsay and Ryan aren’t with them…
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Uh, last episode Tommy D and Ryan were still in a rivalry for Lindsay. When did she suddenly become close enough to Ryan that they’re practicing CPR on each other in the middle of a college? Oh, god…it’s an out of order episode, isn’t it? Oh, sweet Jesus, please tell me the chronology of this season won’t be as fucked up as the last season! I can only imagine, though, that people were thoroughly confused by this in 1995 and wondering why Lindsay was suddenly such a whore.vlcsnap-2015-02-02-16h39m29s142 There’s no time for that, though, because Screech comes in and is practically orgasming over being back at Cal U after being there for a season in an unsuccessful spin-off. There’s no attempt to explain his status at Cal U. I mean, he should be in his junior year of college but he’s been at Bayside instead for the last two seasons.

Screech wants to take the gang to his old fraternity house, Sigma Alpha. So this actually did happen on The College Years. I don’t normally watch episodes before I review them but, I figured that I should be aware of what happened before I reviewed this episode. You see, in the episode “Rush Week,” Zack Morris and Slater wanted to join Sigma Alpha. Screech kept tagging along and fucking things up for them by making balloon animals at frat parties…yeah no joke. Leslie, whom we’ll meet later this year, made them feel guilty for ditching Screech to join a fraternity, so, when Sigma Alpha wanted Zack Morris and Slater as pledges but not Screech because Screech is fucking stupid, they refused to join. Well, in a case of plot contrivance, Sigma Alpha decided they wanted Screech after all at the end of the episode and he joined the fraternity without Zack Morris and Slater.

Ironically, the real Sigma Alpha is an agricultural sorority, which helps to explain why Zack Morris and Slater wanted to join so badly. They wanted some hot farm girls.

Enough back story! Now on to more important things!vlcsnap-2015-02-02-16h41m06s69

Like Rachel and Maria picking up guys. Yeah, Maria dumps the group to go after hot guys who are too old for her, while Rachel meets Michael Bradford in the psychology class they’re shadowing. Michael happens to be one of Screech’s old frat brothers, and Screech is disturbed to find that, not only is Michael picking up Rachel instead of him, but Michael seems to have blocked Screech out completely. We should all be so lucky.vlcsnap-2015-02-02-16h41m54s48

The class professor comes in and says that they will be studying hypnosis today. I could be wrong but is hypnosis really a topic of study for a college psychology class? Whatever the case, Tommy D, Lindsay, and Ryan volunteer to be hypnotized and the professor basically does a stage hypnotist show by making the three first feel cold, then sad, and finally as if they’re on a roller coaster. He brings Ryan and Lindsay out of their trance but tells them that, when he snaps his fingers, they will fall in love with the first person they see.
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For Lindsay, that’s R.J.vlcsnap-2015-02-02-16h42m57s182

While Ryan falls for Rachel. Yeah, knowing what happens next year, I can’t help but wonder if there were lingering side effects to the hypnosis. He snaps his fingers again and they go back to normal. He then remembers that Tommy D is still on stage, though it’s easy to see why he forgot considering one could easily mistake Tommy D for a support beam. The professor snaps Tommy D out of his trance with no further instructions.

The professor dismisses the class and Michael decides to hit on Rachel some more while Screech tries to take the gang to the frat house. Mr. Belding gets excited and snaps his fingers, making Tommy D fall in love with him, but snaps them again, bringing him back to normal. Jesus Christ, The New Class writers, did you forget that the professor gave no further instructions to Tommy D? Yeah, and it’s going to pop up again and again the rest of the episode.

At the Sigma Alpha house, no one gives a damn about Screech. No one remembers Screech except one guy who swears Screech begged them to pledge him. Uh, no. Nothing remotely like that happened. I just watched the episode!

Ryan tries to comfort Screech as Michael comes in bragging about banging some hot blonde underage girl.vlcsnap-2015-02-02-16h50m01s65

He sees Maria playing pool and decides it’s time to hit on her so he can be a creep twice in one day. Meanwhile, Lindsay suggests Screech show them all his old room. Well, then you’ll need to leave the frat house and go to the dorm because SCREECH NEVER FUCKING LIVED IN THE FRAT HOUSE! He lived in the dorms with Zack Morris and Slater with the girls next door! That was the whole setup of The College Years! God, I hate this show.

Speaking of dorms, it seems the gang is staying in the old The College Years dorm set because we cut to the common room where Rachel and Maria both brag about fucking a guy named Michael. They assume Michael is a common name at Cal U and go about their business.

Meanwhile, Screech is still sulking that, in the absence of Zack Morris, Slater, and Kelly, no one at Cal U gives a shit about him. Screech says the fraternity was the biggest part of his time there. Uh, nineteen episodes of The College Years begs to differ. He sulks off to a room and Ryan decides it’s time to make Screech the most popular guy on campus.
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Ryan’s plan is for R.J. to pretend to be some fuckable, likeable jock who’s considering going to Cal U. A couple Sigma Alpha boys invite R.J. to a party that night in the hopes that someone of his stature will grace their presence, and he agrees only if his hero, Screech, will be there. The Sigma Alpha guys, being completely gullible idiots, fall completely for his plan.
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Meanwhile, someone snaps their fingers and Tommy D falls in love with the waitress. Another quick snap from a customer makes Tommy D realize how unattractive people in service industry jobs are, and he comes to his senses and runs away.vlcsnap-2015-02-02-16h55m49s221

Later, Screech shows up to the frat party, and everyone is all about him because they think he inspired a jock. Um…I’m finding this slightly less believable at this point than the time a government agent mistook him for an alien.

Michael whispers bullshit to Maria about not being able to look at any other girl and hoping she’ll come to Cal U in two years when she’s legal and he’s graduated. He goes to get punch  and Rachel walks in to hang out before her date with Michael.
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Tommy D’s randomly arm wrestling one of the Sigma Alpha guys. Lindsay snaps her finger and Tommy D falls in love with the guy. Uh, this running gag wasn’t funny to begin with and now we’re running it into the ground by turning it into gay panic humor. vlcsnap-2015-02-02-16h57m53s166

Rachel and Maria soon figure out that they’re both dating the same Michael. It shouldn’t surprise me that Rachel couldn’t figure this out sooner given how slow she was last season to realize Brian was helping her cheat. They have a mild disagreement over Michael and then…vlcsnap-2015-02-02-16h58m31s41

Screech dances in with a lamp shade on his head. God, this episode is just painfully bad.vlcsnap-2015-02-02-16h59m03s94

Later, they all arrive back at the dorm, and Screech tells Mr. Belding that he realizes how much the frat needs him so he’s decided to quit his job at Bayside and go back to college.

Later, Mr. Belding bemoans the fact that Screech finally decided to finish his education. Ryan comes clean with Mr. Belding about why Screech is suddenly so popular. Mr. Belding tells them they need to tell him the truth so he won’t leave The New Class

NO! LET HIM GO! Seriously, there’s already been a good episode this season! If Screech leaves, this show may stand a chance in hell of becoming a good show! Let him leave and never return!

No, they couldn’t do something sensible like that so Ryan, Lindsay, Tommy D, and R.J. go off to find Screech and tell him the truth. Just as they leave, Screech walks in with the two Sigma Alpha guys who want him to put in a good word with R.J. They soon have a brain cell go into action and realize that they’ve been tricked because they’re complete morons, so they vow to get revenge on Screech and the gang. They invite Screech and the gang to yet another frat party so they can make Screech president of the frat. vlcsnap-2015-02-02-17h02m17s2

Meanwhile, Rachel and Maria end their mild disagreement by deciding that Michael’s just a misogynistically written character and they make up over the fight that never really happened in the episode.

Screech runs in and tells the gang the news about being elected president before Ryan can tell him the truth, and they all decide to go to the party that night.
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They arrive at this meeting of the worst caricature in the history of this show. Seriously, this guy looks like he’s dressed as a person from that secret society in that one episode of The Simpsons. The frat gets out slime to dump on the seven of them, and they kindly wait until Ryan can explain the plot of the episode to him before they go after the gang. Screech decides that, since he has poor boundaries and no friends his own age, the gang are his friends.vlcsnap-2015-02-02-17h04m16s147

The frat brothers start to go after the gang but one of them snaps their fingers and Tommy D falls in love with him. Disturbed that the dumbest member of the gang wants gay butt sex with him, he accidentally dumps slime on another frat brother. This starts a chain reaction where they all start sliming each other. vlcsnap-2015-02-02-17h05m03s114Maria and Rachel decide to say goodbye to Michael in a fitting way and dump his slime all over him. Boy, they showed him. He’ll never be able to get that slime out of his shirt!

Screech thanks the gang for what they did for him and the episode closes with the gang running away before the frat brothers can find more slime to dump on them.

Thrilling episode. Just so exciting I tell you. I have one question: we know from “Goodbye Bayside, Part 2” that Zack Morris and Kelly are still in San Francisco. Why would they do a dumb ass episode like this rather than take advantage of the opportunity to have one or both of them make a cameo that actually makes sense? Oh, well. It’s The New Class. I should be glad they didn’t have the gang do a very special episode on the evils of fraternities.

Saved by the Bell Season 3, Episode 23: “Cut Day”

We open at a student council meeting where the nerds are advocating for a national day of mourning in honor of the anniversary of the cancellation of Gilligan’s Island. Wow. Things were so much more innocent and simple before 9/11, weren’t they?vlcsnap-2015-01-30-11h16m58s109

Meet Graham, who is intimately concerned about the plight of Styrofoam cups, or, as Graham calls them, “plastic foam cups.” Jesus Christ, Saved by the Bell writers, could you pick an environmental threat and stick with it rather than sticking two random things together and hoping no one notices. Graham wants these “plastic foam cups” them banned from Bayside, and his talk of environmentalism gives Jessie a lady boner. Graham wants the students to hold a protest against the Styrofoam devil tomorrow, but Zack Morris reminds him that tomorrow is the never before mentioned “cut day,” which means no one comes to school or gives a shit.vlcsnap-2015-01-30-11h18m02s242

Mr. Belding comes in randomly and says he knows it’s cut day tomorrow but he can’t do anything to stop them. Uh, yes you can dip shit. You’re the principal. Get the whole lot of them for truancy! But since we’re going with the story that principals can’t do anything about truant students, Mr. Belding says anyone who skips will receive an unexcused absence. Since Zack Morris currently has nine unexcused absences, one more will mean suspension, and, every breath Zack Morris takes, Mr. Belding will be watching him. Uh, didn’t we do this plot already?vlcsnap-2015-01-30-11h18m45s166

In the hallway, Screech is a dumb ass like usual and I really wish Lisa would punch him in the face. Meanwhile, Jessie breaks the news to Slater that she wants to fight the evil plastic foam cups tomorrow rather than skip, so it looks like Slater will be with Kelly all day instead.

Jessie catches Slater up on the Zack Morris subplot, and Zack Morris bets Slater $100 that he’ll find a way to skip class tomorrow without Mr. Belding knowing because Bayside doesn’t care about students randomly deciding not to go to school.vlcsnap-2015-01-30-11h20m37s2

At school the next day, the only students are Jessie, Graham, and Zack Morris. Clueless teacher here keeps calling row, oblivious to the world for the whisky she’s drinking to get through this damned episode. Graham spouts some quasi-feminist bullshit about female presidents that gives Jessie a lady boner. Mr. Belding comes in to check on Zack Morris, and, shortly after he leaves, a nerd comes in to get Zack Morris to go to the library and pay his damned library fine.vlcsnap-2015-01-30-11h22m25s60

Um, is encouraging truancy a smart business move for The Max. i mean I know they do some pretty stupid things, but this may take the cake. I think I find the dance off at The Max more believable at this point.

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Screech and Lisa whack moles while the writers suddenly remember that Slater used to want to date Kelly. Yes, they’re getting close as they play whatever the hell this game is. I admit it: I don’t know much about billard-like games.

Zack Morris comes in and gloats that he wants his money so he can get back to class. Turns out Zack Morris paid off the nerd to get him out of class. Slater tells him that it’s cut day, though, not cut class, and, since there’s thirteen more minutes in the episode, he’ll have to get out of every class if he wants to win the bet. Otherwise, an otherwise boring episode will be lethargic to watch.vlcsnap-2015-01-30-11h24m22s202

Back at Bayside, Mr. Belding waits enthusiastically hoping that Zack Morris is cutting study hall. He runs in at the last moment, though, dashing Mr. Belding’s hopes of getting rid of Zack Morris for a day.

Jessie and Graham decide to paint signs for the rally, giving Zack Morris a great idea.vlcsnap-2015-01-30-11h26m15s56

He asks to go to the restroom and takes a thing of red paint with him. When Mr. Belding comes to check on Zack Morris again, a voice on the intercom says that Mr. Belding’s car is being towed because it’s in a red zone. Uh, that’s not the way it works, guys. What did Zack Morris do: call a brain dead traffic cop?vlcsnap-2015-01-30-11h26m23s137 It’s enough to give Zack Morris an opportunity to get out of class, though ,and he ends up at the movies, where Slater and Kelly continue to get close over a scary movie. Slater’s all stoked that Kelly’s not a stuffy quasi-feminist spinster like Jessie so maybe he might get laid for a change.vlcsnap-2015-01-30-11h28m59s164

Back at Bayside, Mr. Belding really seems to be targeting Zack Morris. He assumes Zack Morris is cutting because he’s in the hallway, despite the fact that Jessie and Graham are also in the hallway and Mr. Belding doesn’t seem to give a shit about them. Oh, hypocrisy, thy name is Belding! Zack Morris says he’s in the hallway because he’s protesting with Jessie and Graham, which is apparently excuse enough to get out of trouble.

Mr. Belding tells them he has no control over the plastic foam cups and that they need to talk to whatever idiot writer thought that was a real product. He also tells them to get the hell out of the hallway before he realizes how stupid he’s being and punishes all three of them.vlcsnap-2015-01-30-11h30m24s244 Jessie and Graham commiserate over how much it sucks they have to protest a fake product. They give a sexy hug in Zack Morris’s sight as he goes off for the next cut scene.vlcsnap-2015-01-30-11h30m42s132

At the beach, it’s dancing Charlie Brown style! Yes, that’s right, all your favorite extras are dancing as if they are poorly animated comic strip characters who only know one move! Also, why is there bad muzak at a beach?vlcsnap-2015-01-30-11h31m26s94

Slater sexily puts sun block on Kelly’s shoulders while Lisa agrees to bury and hopefully suffocate Screech so The New Class will never happen.

Zack Morris shows and Screech gives him a box of chocolate covered grasshoppers. Yes, this will actually play into the next scene. While Slater goes to get them all drinks, Zack Morris asks Kelly about getting sexy with Slater. She’s all, “The plot wants me to be oblivious to what’s going on, so I’m being oblivious!”vlcsnap-2015-01-30-11h34m07s162

Meet Mrs. Culpepper, the latest in a long line of bat shit crazy teachers at Bayside. vlcsnap-2015-01-30-11h34m38s212

Yes, she believes this is Africa, and that Nigeria is next to Las Vegas. I…don’t even know what to think. I’m pretty sure at this point Bayside hires all their faculty from mental institutions.

Mr. Belding comes in and tells Mrs. Culpepper that she’s received a telegram and that she’s won the lottery. What the hell is it with this show and telegrams? I lived through the early ’90s and I’ve never seen a telegram in my life! Was this written by my grandfather in the middle of a fit of dementia?

Mrs. Culpepper is all, “Screw this episode!” and leaves. Mr. Belding does the logical thing and dismisses all the students for the day except Zack Morris. Yeah…I’m totally sure that allowable. Now you’re just being a dick, Mr. Belding.
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After Slater calls and reveals that he sent the telegram using a Delorean to go back to 1885, Zack Morris offers Mr. Belding one of the chocolate covered grasshoppers. When Zack Morris tells Mr. Belding what’s in it, Mr. Belding naturally runs off to throw up because he has a weaker stomach than my cat hacking up fur balls.

In the hallway, Zack Morris sees Jessie and Graham about to head to The Max. Zack Morris suddenly decides it’s time to save Slater and Jessie’s relationship and he needs to keep Jessie and Graham away from The Max. He can’t stop them, though, and Mr. Belding comes out to stop him so Jessie and Graham can have a head start. Zack Morris pulls the exact same trick on Mr. Belding again and he rushes off to The Max.

Zack Morris barely loses the bet and rushes in just ahead of Jessie and Graham because…plot. vlcsnap-2015-01-30-11h39m14s158Jessie sits Slater down and says she’s finally found her quasi-feminist equal and she thinks she and Slater should see other people. Jessie loses it, though, when Slater says he had fun with Kelly, which Jessie assumes means hot fucking. They fight and then realize how boring and stupid this whole episode has been. They tell the rest of the gang they’ve decided to see other people, but Slater assures them that it’s okay because he’s sure they’ll still date when it’s convenient to the plot.

Man, this is one of the more boring episodes of the season. I can’t even really be pissed at it. It’s just…bland and uninspired and a stupid excuse to break Slater and Jessie up.

Firsts: Slater and Jessie break up.

The New Class Season 3, Episode 5: “Air Screech”

vlcsnap-2015-01-26-17h51m58s6 We open at the mall…oh god, the mall again…where suddenly everyone has jobs! Rachel’s job is to annoy the shit out of everyone at the mall by offering them samples of some shitty perfume. Lindsay works for a video store…in a mall. Remember when those were in malls all over the place? Yeah, neither do I. I’m wondering if Carl Kulander has ever actually been in a mall based on this episode.vlcsnap-2015-01-26-17h52m17s214

R.J.’s practically begging Maria to help him get a job at the Japanese restaurant she’s working at but she’s all, “You’re incompetent and no one wants to hire you!” Ryan’s “too cool” to get a job because getting a job is for poor people. He asks Lindsay to lunch but Lindsay says that she can’t because she’s having lunch with Tommy D on his break.

And, ladies and gentlemen, prepare for the single most hilarious thing that’s ever been on The New Class.
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Tommy D in a chicken costume. Yes, someone has finally found a job for which Tommy D is completely qualified. Even then, Tommy D manages to fuck up royally since he’s supposed to be selling chicken but he gets tricked by a preteen boy into losing it all. Oh, Tommy D, you are, indeed, the stupidest character who’s ever appeared in this franchise. If only we could have had you in that chicken costume for every episode you appear in.vlcsnap-2015-01-26-17h53m43s49

Meanwhile, since every episode of The New Class has to feature a subplot involving Mr. Belding and/or Screech, our excuse this episode is that they’ve decided, once again, school administrators don’t make enough money and don’t need days off, Mr. Belding is managing his brother’s store, Sports Champs, on the weekend. Wait, Rod Belding owns a sports store?!?! He’s certainly come up in the world since “The Fabulous Belding Boys.” If he knew what was coming next, he would realize he’s actually become the more competent of the Belding brothers.

You see, since Mr. Belding has no memory regarding Screech’s incompetence, he’s chosen to hire Screech as the “weekend assistant manger,” because those things apparently exist. Screech immediately repays Mr. Belding’s amnesia by attempting to knock him out with a store mannequinThree Stooges style. Oh, the nonexistent hilarity.vlcsnap-2015-01-26-17h54m50s204

At Sports Champs, somehow Screech is in charge of hiring weekend help, and he quickly hires R.J. after R.J. does a bit of ass kissing. Rachel chases a woman into the store hoping to spray her with perfume. Mr. Belding tells her to get the fuck out but, instead, she goes on a shopping spree.vlcsnap-2015-01-26-17h55m32s113

R.J.’s first job is to spray paint a sign. For some reason, they do it right there in the middle of the store with Screech standing in front of it because no one on this show has an ounce of common sense when the writers are hoping someone will find something funny. The result is R.J. sprays Screech’s shoesvlcsnap-2015-01-26-17h56m30s177

Tommy D and Lindsay come to eat at the Japanese restaurant. Maria tells them they have to take off their shoes because it’s a Japanese tradition. No, it’s a Japanese tradition if someone is sitting in seiza position on the floor. It takes some credibility away from the scene when you just showed tables full of people wearing shoes and when even Maria is wearing shoes. But we’ve got to pretend we know something about Japanese culture so yeah. Rachel randomly comes in to brag about shopping and Tommy D gives Lindsay a watch.

Ryan comes in and is upset that Lindsay finds an idiot in a chicken costume more attractive than him so he decides he needs to find a way to give Lindsay a present. Naturally, this means trying to scam R.J. out of money. R.J.’s all, “Fuck off and get some from your rich brother!”

Mr. Belding tells Screech that he’s taking Little Zack to Disneyland tomorrow and he’s leaving Screech in charge of the store since he doesn’t really care if the store burns to the ground. Also, Screech thought R.J. could magically clean paint off shoes because, despite working for a high school, Screech doesn’t understand basic chemistry.vlcsnap-2015-01-26-17h59m12s0

Rachel comes in and admires Screech’s shoes. Somehow, she must be a connoisseur of shoes because this immediately makes two customers want to buy them because crappy looking spray painted shoes are in style this year. Ryan steps in and says this is just a floor model and they’re getting a new shipment tomorrow.vlcsnap-2015-01-26-18h00m31s27

This means that Ryan and Screech bring a bunch of shoes to Screech’s apartment and recruit R.J., Maria, and Rachel to spray paint them as crappy as the original. Screech asks if they should have stolen a bunch of shoes from the mall and Ryan is all, “Of course not, but it advances the plot so who the hell cares!” Screech still has misgivings but he’s enough of a lemming that Ryan is able to convince him Mr. Belding would be proud that Screech’s name is on a shoe.vlcsnap-2015-01-26-18h08m39s42

The result is the “Air Screech,” which makes no fucking sense. It’s obvious they’re ripping off Air Jordans, but need I remind these idiots that Air Jordans are named after a guy who…actually was good at basketball? Every time we’ve seen Screech in an athletic competition, he’s been incompetent at best and just embarrassing at worst. Who would want to buy a crappy spray painted shoe with his name on them? Also, why is the mall just randomly letting a teenager a a walking moron set up a display in the mall?vlcsnap-2015-01-26-18h09m15s141

The presentation comes with a badly green screened commercial showing that Air Screechs are so awesome they can tread any environment.vlcsnap-2015-01-26-18h11m11s38

We even get to see Screech partially shirtless as a guru. Why does this franchise insist on subjecting me to partially naked pictures of Dustin Diamond?!?!?!vlcsnap-2015-01-26-18h12m04s46

Naturally, the shoppers of this mall are lemmings and buy tons of shoes, making lots of money for the five at $150 a pop. Lindsay walks by and Ryan invites her to lunch. She has another date with Tommy D so Ryan decides it’s time for a lame plan only Tommy D would fall for.vlcsnap-2015-01-26-18h13m15s249

Basically, Ryan gets R.J. to cry a lot and say he missed out on getting a $1,000 prize from a secret shopper because he took a break. This makes Tommy D decide to work instead of going on a date with Lindsay. Yeah, should it surprise anyone at this point that this plan would fool Tommy D?

Ryan goes on his date with Lindsay where he gives her a bracelet. He invites her to dinner the next night and Ryan’s ecstatic that he finally beat chicken man.vlcsnap-2015-01-26-18h14m37s40

Mr. Belding walks in as Screech, Ryan, and R.J. are trying to sell a pair of Air Screeches to someone. He’s all, “You idiots are doing something illegal and need to stop now.” Mr. Belding tells them to stop selling these crappy painted over shoes but Ryan has other plans.vlcsnap-2015-01-26-18h15m58s88

This means he puts his super engineering skills to work and turns a pretzel cart into a point of sale display for Air Screeches. This allows them to close up the cart when Mr. Belding comes by. Naturally, everyone wants a crappy product because they want their salaries as extras.vlcsnap-2015-01-26-18h17m18s107

Does it surprise you at all that Tommy D bought a pair of the shoes? It shouldn’t given his propensity to idiocy. He comes into the store looking for some socks to go with his shoes and tells Mr. Belding and Screech he just bought the shoes from Ryan and R.J. on the other side of the mall. Also, Tommy D chases an old woman out of the store and she runs in terror since there’s an idiot in a chicken costume chasing her.
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Mr. Belding decides to teach Ryan and R.J. a lesson. Screech calls R.J. out of the stock room even though we just established seconds earlier he was still on the other side of the mall selling shoes. This explains everything. R.J. is really the Great Gazoo! Mr. Belding tells R.J. it’s a good thing they stopped selling those shoes because a representative from the shoe company is coming to the mall in a couple hours and, if they hadn’t stopped selling the shoe, they could have been sued or go to jail since Saved by the Bell doesn’t understand the difference between civil and criminal law.

R.J. runs to tell Ryan and they rush to think of a plan to get rid of all the shoes in the mall. This involves buying everyone who has Air Screeches a free lunch at Maria’s Japanese restaurant so that everyone has to take their shoes off since that made so much sense before and since everyone with Air Screeches just happens to both like Japanese food and be hungry at the same time. Yeah, that makes about as much sense as Sarah Palin’s explanation why she has foreign policy experience.
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Screech and Mr. Belding come in with a stranger whom Ryan and R.J. assume to be the representative from the shoe company. Ryan and R.J. apologize profusely over the incident but it turns out that the man is Mr. Belding’s brother-in-law, Jeffrey, who owns the store. WHAT! No Rod! This is the biggest rip off since Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cookies! I want some Rod Belding! He said brother, not brother-in-law! STUPID SHOW AND YOUR INCONSISTENT WRITING!

Anyway, Ryan and R.J. have to refund all the customers who bought Air Screeches their money and work off the shoes they ruined.vlcsnap-2015-01-26-18h21m56s81This means Ryan takes over Tommy D’s job in the chicken costume while Tommy D takes Lindsay on a date because that’s totally how jobs work. You can just hand it over to anyone else anytime you want to do something else. Our episode ends with the kid who tricked Tommy D earlier trying to trick Ryan, and Ryan tricks the kid into paying him $10 an hour both for the chicken and to wear the costume because stealing money from children is funny!

 

Saved by the Bell Season 3, Episode 22: “Rockumentary”

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I really don’t understand what’s going on with this opening. We open in an alternate dimension at some random stadium, where Casey Kasem…oh Casey Kasem. What possessed you to do this show a second time? You couldn’t have been that desperate for a paycheck after A Pup Named Scooby-Doo was cancelled, right? Oh, the late, great, Casey Kasem, reduced to one of the worst episodes of Saved by the Bell.

Anyway, we open at some random stadium, where Casey Kasem interviews Zack Morris about the sudden success of Zack Attack after the writers suddenly remembered it exists. That one gig they did at the school dance must have really attracted the attention of all the hot scouts, who were no doubt loitering around Bayside like tons of other adults who shouldn’t be there. Casey Kasem claims Zack Attack has captured America like The Beatles and The Rolling Stones would have if every member of those bands were horribly dubbed with songs written by kindergartners. Oh, and, yeah, Zack Morris has groupies who want him to sign their arms.
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Zack Morris and Casey Kasem walk through the hallway where they meet the rest of the members of the band, bass player Lisa, lead singer Kelly, drummer Slater, and member of Monty Python’s Spanish Inquisition, Screech. Jessie doesn’t appear in this episode which must mean that she’s not a “Friend Forever” as the name of their tour implies.vlcsnap-2015-01-22-21h49m44s28

As the concert begins, Casey Kasem takes us back to that Saved by the Bell garage set where it all began, and the gang practice their horrible song, “Friends Forever.” Yeah, there’s too many bad songs in this episode so I won’t be transcribing them, but I just point out the ingenuously written lyric, “We’ll be friends forever/’till the end of time.” Redundancy, anyone? Also, the writers obviously don’t know what a lead singer is as Zack Morris is clearly the lead singer of the group, with Kelly merely backing him up.

Meanwhile, Casey Kasem, apparently hanging out in Zack Morris’s garage, declares that fate was about to run past them.

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Yeah, this is Brian Fate, a big recording executive who was jogging past and loves their horrible Jonas Brothers-esque sound and wants to make them stars. Hah, that pun was so clever even the audience forgot to laugh. Oh, and Brian manages the “Beach Buddies” because this episode was too lazy to think of any original band names. Kelly asks if he’s really interested in them and Brian asks if Bart Simpson has animated zits. Uh, have you ever watched The Simpsons? Bart Simpson is in fourth grade on the show. No, he doesn’t have zits. That means he’s apparently a sadistic liar who deliberately makes fun of the hopes of teenagers.vlcsnap-2015-01-22-21h51m42s181

Casey Kasem declares that this was the beginning of their rise to the top and we get a song first played in a club and then a stadium.
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At the stadium, girls randomly run up on stage and steal Screech’s clothes. Eww, why would anyone steal Screech’s clothes? Why is this even a question? And, yeah, this sequence lasts way too long.

Next, we find ourselves at a press conference being held by their publicist, Mindy. There’s more time wasting but the gist is that Zack Morris wants to fuck Mindy and Kelly declares the gang will be friends forever, except for Jessie because she’s off staring in Showgirls at this point.vlcsnap-2015-01-22-21h53m39s70 Oh my god! Zack Morris has morphed into Mecha-Zack Morris! It must be what happens when his ego explodes!

We rejoin Casey Kasem at what I assume is supposed to be the Grammys, though Casey only identifies it as a “music awards show.” What, was Grammys copyrighted?
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No. No they did not. Worse Michael Jackson and Madonna impersonators ever. I could look more like Michael Jackson than that. Hell, I could probably look more like Madonna than that. Sometimes this show displays a startling lack of effort.vlcsnap-2015-01-22-21h56m03s238

Yeah, Zack Attack wins the biggest award, whatever that is, and we get a little more time wasting with all five members of the gang individually thanking previous guest stars who are not in this episode. God, this episode is so boring!

Our next bit of meaningless time wasting is a party the gang are at. Mindy says she wants to fuck Zack, not the group.
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Meanwhile, Screech and Slater oogle girls, and a man with low self-esteem misses that he totally has a chance with Kelly. WHAT IS THE POINT OF ANY OF THIS? WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?!?!?!

Lisa designs some costumes for the group. Zack Morris likes them but Mindy’s all, “Your designs suck ass!” Lisa goes away feeling upset but Mindy tells him that she’ll make him a star and the rest of the band shouldn’t even be alive.

At the studio the next day, Brian and the gang are upset because Zack Morris is an hour late. Zack Morris shows up with a song he wrote with Mindy. Mindy’s suddenly become super bitch towards the rest of the gang. Kelly, Slater, and Screech wrote a song they want the band to sing, but, good god, it’s horrible even by Saved by the Bell standards. It’s all about school being boring. Yeah, imagine if you took The Wiggles and inserted lame stuff about teenage life in their songs. Zack Morris and Mindy’s song isn’t much of an improvement, but at least it doesn’t make me want to gouge my ears out. Well, at least permanently.vlcsnap-2015-01-22-22h02m06s241

Yeah, we get some newspaper headlines about Zack Attack fighting, including this one with the season’s publicity photo and Jessie cleverly cropped out, because she’s totally lame since she’s not in this episode. Anyway, it’s right before a concert and Zack Morris is hella pissed about the articles. Screech gave the interview but the rest of the gang agree with him, so Zack Morris walks out to form his own group. vlcsnap-2015-01-22-22h03m45s253

Meanwhile, Casey Kasem is still hanging out in Zack Morris’s garage. Maybe, while he’s there, he can solve the mystery of whatever happened to Peter Morris and earn a Scooby Snack.vlcsnap-2015-01-22-22h04m07s206

We get a run-down of what the gang do after the break-up, including Screech, who seeks out the “high geek” and is told the meaning of life is banging cheerleaders, because sex is obviously all there is to life. Oh, and, no joke, the guy playing the high nerd is Jeffrey Weissman, who might be most famous for imitating Crispin Glover in Back to the Future II and III.

Now get ready for the most hilarious thing you’ll ever see in your life. I mean, there have been some ridiculous ass moments on this show, but this just takes the cake! Are you ready? Well, take a look at this!

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OH MY GOD! It’s like Vanilla Ice raided the wardrobe of Michael Jackson after getting his hair caught in the mouth of a rabid badger!!! I…I have no words! This shit speaks for itself! Never in my life have I been so ashamed to be a white boy as when I witness this travesty!

Yeah, Zack Morris is pissed at Mindy because she’s dressed him as a horrible caricature. He gets a call telling him that Slater, who’s a race car driver, has been in an accident and is in the hospital. Mindy the Bitch tells Zack Morris that if he leaves, they’re through and he’s like, “Fuck that! I have a future on cable television to think about!”
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At the hospital, Kelly, who plays a nun on Santa Barbara (in an unfunny gag), and Lisa, who’s on “U.S. Gladiators” visit Slater.vlcsnap-2015-01-22-22h07m34s211

They’re soon joined by Screech, who’s managed to find a vapid stereotype who’s not repulsed by him.

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Zack Morris comes in and apologizes to everyone for breaking up the band. Everyone’s like, “We instantly forgive you because we only have three minutes left in this episode and still have a lot to do!” vlcsnap-2015-01-22-22h10m54s180

Casey Kasem brings us back to the present for the “Forever Friends” reunion tour of Zack Attack, where we’re treated to yet another song, and I am so bored out of my mind! I don’t fucking understand this episode at all! What the hell has been going on the last twenty minutes? This better not be some cheap ass gimmick…vlcsnap-2015-01-22-22h11m22s203No. No. No. No. I…

FUCK YOU SAVED BY THE BELL!!! You fucking mean to tell me this was all a twenty-two minute dream sequence?!?! NO! WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK! I HAVE BEEN BORED BY THE LAST TWENTY-TWO MINUTES OVER AN EXTENDED DREAM SEQUENCE!

Fuck. My. Life.

We mercifully end this episode with Zack Attack practicing for a Bar Mitzvah gig, and if I ever see this fucking episode again, it will be too soon. I’d rather watch a twenty-four hour marathon of The New Class than endure this insulting, idiotic, pointless episode again. The moral of this episode? If you have a dream about being a successful rock star, don’t be a dick to your friends in it? Hell if I know.

The New Class Season 3, Episode 4: “What’s the Problem?”

This is the forty-second episode of The New Class I’ve reviewed. I’ve reviewed two seasons of this shit fest and I can truly say that, in that time, I’ve never come across something quite like this before. What is it, you ask? Well, I’ve found an episode of The New Class that may be, well, genuinely good.

I know! I know! I’m questioning my sanity as well! Maybe reviewing episode after episode of Saturday morning’s long forgotten ugly step-sister has driven me crazy. In any case, I liked this episode. I feel so dirty for typing these words about this show!

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So what’s good about this episode? Well, we open at an assembly where Mr. Belding and Screech give Todd Green, the star of the football player, an award. Wow, he’s been held back quite a bit! Yeah, the actor playing Todd was twenty-eight when this episode was filmed. Guess the casting department really doesn’t know what a teenager looks like.

Also, yeah, guess we’re forgetting about Tommy D being retconned into the star football player last season, which is a good thing because I never bought it either. Mr. Belding asks Todd to read the inscription on the plaque to the school but he has trouble reading the words. The school, including our gang, start laughing at Todd because reading difficulties are hilarious.

Yeah, this is obviously going to be a very special episode about learning disabilities, which makes it all the more perplexing to me that I like this episode. I feel like I need to rewatch “Jessie’s Song” or the episode of Diff’rent Strokes where Dudley was molested by the bicycle shop guy just to remind myself how horrible a very special episode can be!

The other order of business for the assembly is for Mr. Belding to ask for nominations for homecoming king. Ryan very quickly nominates Lindsay, and Tommy D acts butt hurt that he has too slow of reflexes to do it first. Maria’s all, “This whole thing is bull shit,” so R.J. decides that means she wants to be homecoming queen and nominates her.vlcsnap-2015-01-19-20h29m57s32

In the hallway, Maria’s fucking pissed that someone would dare nominate her for homecoming queen and says she’ll withdraw as soon as she can find Screech. Lindsay tells her it’s a good thing, too, because Maria’s unpleasant to be around and no one would vote for her skanky ass anyway. vlcsnap-2015-01-19-20h30m46s251

Maria’s all, “Oh no you di’int!” and says she’s in this bitch to win it just to show up that biatch Lindsay.

As the rest of the gang walks away, Mr. Belding asks Rachel to tutor Todd in history. Turns out that Todd is failing history and, since Megan isn’t around anymore, he needs someone else to play the role of the smart one. Rachel tells him that she’ll reluctantly accept this role since someone has to fill it.

Mr. Belding asks Screech to put the crown in the trophy case. Screech, though, is afraid some Valley punk will steal the crown. Forgetting the incompetency Screech has exhibited over the course of this franchise, Mr. Belding agrees to allow Screech to hide the crown and not even tell him where it is.vlcsnap-2015-01-19-20h31m57s211

At The Max, Rachel tutors Todd in American Civil War history. Though Todd has trouble reading, as soon as Rachel reads the question, he rattles off a very thorough and rehearsed answer, thus proving he does actually know the material. He also subtly hits on Rachel and, by subtly, I actually mean subtly this time. I didn’t think the writers of this series had it in them, but they manage to pull off flirting less obvious than, “Let’s fuck!”vlcsnap-2015-01-19-20h32m53s6

Ryan and Tommy D fight over who gets to campaign for votes for Lindsay. vlcsnap-2015-01-19-20h33m03s94

Lindsay says she doesn’t want to campaign for votes, but Ryan points out that whore Mimi Murphy, Lindsay’s only other competition besides Maria, who’s campaigning by passing out cupcakes to fat people. Oh, it’s nice to know that this franchise still thinks fat people have no dignity and also still has no idea what a fat person looks like. Mimi’s shenanigans are enough to convince Lindsay, who gives Ryan and Tommy D her blessing.

Tommy D goes to a table and tells them that Lindsay Warner’s campaign is paying for their lunch. Unfortunately, his dumb ass forgot to check whether the people at the table are Bayside students, and it turns out they go to Valley because it’s the one time someone without a Bayside connection is there to eat and not just further the plot. Ryan, meanwhile, gets Lindsay the votes of a bunch of geek girls by promising them hot shagging with Tommy D.

Screech, meanwhile, comes in and asks Ryan if he can guess where Screech hid the crown. Apparently Ryan was the one who stole the crown last year, but the episode didn’t bother to tell us that before now. Ryan uses his psychic powers to correctly guess in the air vent above the girls’ locker room, and Screech runs out screaming like a fucking idiot at his own incompetence. vlcsnap-2015-01-19-20h34m21s102

The next day at school, we see Maria’s campaign strategy involves slapping “Vote for Maria” stickers on people and threatening random nerds. R.J. tells her that, if she wants to get elected, she’s going to have to stop being a fucking psycho and actually be nice to people. She does this by giving a boner to a nerd, who immediately runs off to masturbate in the bathroom.

Screech tells Mr. Belding to guess where the crown is and he’s like, “Why would you ask me to guess when you couldn’t trust me to know before?” Screech suddenly remembers he’s such an idiot he forgot where he hid it and runs off screaming and hopefully to kill himself.

vlcsnap-2015-01-19-20h35m49s229Todd thanks Rachel for her help studying by eating her face and says he hopes he passes the test. Rachel tells him that he’s a lot smarter than most people think and that she’s sure he’ll do fine. It’s nice to see that, post-Brian and David, Rachel still goes for much older guys.
vlcsnap-2015-01-19-20h36m16s243 After class, Maria suddenly has a bunch of cocktail franks that Milton loves enough to tell the “Weenie Mama” she has his vote. Oh, Milton, you are the consistency in this show. Lindsay’s upset at this development so Ryan gets an unexplained idea about what to do.

In Mr. Belding’s office, Screech searches desperately for the crown so Mr. Belding won’t realize how incompetent he is. Mr. Belding comes in and wants the crown so he can take a picture of the candidates around it so Screech runs out to continue his search.
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As he leaves, Rachel comes in and expresses concern for Todd. Despite him knowing the material during the study session, he told her he had trouble with the test and only finished half of it. Rachel tells Mr. Belding how Todd seems to understand everything but he has trouble reading.vlcsnap-2015-01-19-20h38m30s33

Tommy D fumigates a classroom to get votes for Lindsay, thinking the chess club will appreciate the effort. Unfortunately, he’s still an idiot and forgot to check who actually meets there, which is the insect club, who vow eternal vengeance for his misdeed. vlcsnap-2015-01-19-20h39m43s6

Meanwhile, Ryan starts a campaign of misinformation about Maria’s wieners and tells two idiot football players that Maria tainted them on purpose so they couldn’t play in the homecoming game. They naturally believe every word he says.

As Rachel leaves Mr. Belding’s office, they finish the conversation that was awkwardly cut off from the last scene. Mr. Belding suspects that Todd might be dyslexic. Rachel asks if there’s anything they can do for him and Mr. Belding tells her dyslexia is a real thing and there’s things they can do to help him. Mr. Belding agrees to do his job and talk to Todd.
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Screech, meanwhile, drug R.J. into his idiocy by placing him in charge of security for the crown. Screech has replaced the crown, still missing, with a kids hat from Tamale King hoping that everyone is as stupid as him and won’t notice. When Mr. Belding and the three candidates walk in, Screech has R.J. run off with it really fast, claiming a Valley spy is watching them from the frosted windows. Screech is not the brightest, is he?

Rachel, meanwhile, tells Todd she talked to Mr. Belding about his reading problems. Todd’s fucking pissed that, instead of everyone believing he’s stupid, everyone may now view him as a freak because he has a disability. He walks off declaring himself to be dumb. Todd, I’m pretty sure people think you’re stupid because you’re in your late twenties and still in high school.vlcsnap-2015-01-19-20h41m58s80

In class the next day, Todd has indeed failed the test, which means he can’t play in the game. His fellow football players start making fun of him for being stupid but Mr. Belding comes in to break stuff up.
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Mr. Belding writes a sentence in what I originally assumed to be the native language of Lichtenbourg, but turns out to be gibberish. Mr. Belding tells the class they have to correctly answer this question or they all fail the test. R.J. tells Mr. Belding that he’s finally gone off his rocker, and Mr. Belding tells them that there’s millions of people who have a learning disability called dyslexia that makes them see all words like this. It is, indeed, not fair to fail someone who can’t answer a question that looks like this, which is why Bayside should have fired its three batshit crazy teachers who lived to fail students with impossibly hard questions. Tommy D wonders if he might have dyslexia and Ryan tells him, no, he’s just a moron.

This scene actually makes a lot of sense. Mr. Belding comes in to talk to Todd, sees the fight, and gives the students a lesson in neurodiversity. I’m actually quite impressed with the handling of this scene. It’s possibly the best I’ve seen in the franchise when handling a very special issue.

Anyway, Todd initially walks out, glaring at Rachel but comes back in and says he wants to talk with Mr. Belding.vlcsnap-2015-01-19-20h44m33s80

Screech and R.J. still haven’t found the crown. Screech suddenly remembers that he hid the crown in the janitor’s closet. They run there and find it gone so R.J. suggests the janitor may have thrown it out so they should look in the dumpster. Just where Screech belongs.vlcsnap-2015-01-19-20h45m06s161

Mr. Belding gives Todd a verbal make-up test, which he passes with flying colors, meaning he can play in the homecoming game and that he might actually be able to graduate high school before he’s thirty. vlcsnap-2015-01-19-20h45m29s131

At the homecoming dance, Milton and this geek talk smack about how much of a whorish traitor Maria is. Maria’s devastated that they think horribly of her but doesn’t respond in her usual ghettoish manner, instead slinking off sadly.

Ryan lets it slip to Lindsay what he did to Maria’s campaign, and she tells him to quit doing fucking shitty things to get in her pants. She goes to tell Maria the truth. vlcsnap-2015-01-19-20h46m46s135

Eight hours later, Screech and R.J. are still looking through the dumpster with no luck on finding the crown. We get some attempts at gross out jokes that fall flat, and Screech decides it’s time to tell Mr. Belding the truth.

Back at the dance, Maria and Lindsay make-up, both saying they’re giving it to the other if they win because apparently no one really wants to be queen except that whore Mimi.

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Screech walks in and, before he can confess, suddenly finds that Sidney, the janitor, is the other person at Bayside who always wanted to be homecoming queen. Uh, why didn’t you just fucking ask him if he saw it in the first place! That would have been better than digging through the fucking dumpster! Screech takes the crown from Sidney and gives it to Mr. Belding.

Mr. Belding announces the results of homecoming queen. Turns out it’s a write-in and Rachel wins. Rachel’s surprised and overjoyed and turns out Todd got the whole school to vote for Rachel to think her for what she did for him. There’s no mention of homecoming king. I guess since it’s not relevant to the plot there is no homecoming king this year.vlcsnap-2015-01-19-20h49m47s157And our episode ends with Rachel and Todd dancing as the gang gathers around them clapping that they actually made a good episode.

So what do I like about this episode? It handles a really sensitive subject very well, a rarity in the Saved by the Bell universe, and it’s a real issue that the target demographic of this show may actually have to deal with. On top of that, there are some genuinely funny moments, especially in the homecoming queen subplot, and Dennis Haskins was giving his all in the role Mr. Belding should fill more often: that of the loving, caring educator that only wants the best for his students. Even more, Sarah Lancaster’s performance wasn’t bad…for a change, and Screech’s stupid subplot didn’t take up too much of the running time.

I was puzzled: how was this episode good when so many others have been so horrible? Turns out the writer on the episode was Leslie Eberhard, a veteran theatrical and television writer, whose credits included writing routines for veteran comic Betty Walker, a Broadway version of Jeckell and Hyde,  and stints on 9 to 5The Munsters TodayThe John Larrorquette Show, and, perhaps most notably, Fraiser, for which he won a Humanitas Award. This guy was the real fucking deal!

This wasn’t the first episode of The New Class Eberhard wrote; unfortunately, he wrote four episodes for season two. I do attribute the fact, though, that they had a real fucking writer on this episode for its success. If only I had faith that this trend would continue into the future…