I really don’t understand what’s going on with this opening. We open in an alternate dimension at some random stadium, where Casey Kasem…oh Casey Kasem. What possessed you to do this show a second time? You couldn’t have been that desperate for a paycheck after A Pup Named Scooby-Doo was cancelled, right? Oh, the late, great, Casey Kasem, reduced to one of the worst episodes of Saved by the Bell.
Anyway, we open at some random stadium, where Casey Kasem interviews Zack Morris about the sudden success of Zack Attack after the writers suddenly remembered it exists. That one gig they did at the school dance must have really attracted the attention of all the hot scouts, who were no doubt loitering around Bayside like tons of other adults who shouldn’t be there. Casey Kasem claims Zack Attack has captured America like The Beatles and The Rolling Stones would have if every member of those bands were horribly dubbed with songs written by kindergartners. Oh, and, yeah, Zack Morris has groupies who want him to sign their arms.
Zack Morris and Casey Kasem walk through the hallway where they meet the rest of the members of the band, bass player Lisa, lead singer Kelly, drummer Slater, and member of Monty Python’s Spanish Inquisition, Screech. Jessie doesn’t appear in this episode which must mean that she’s not a “Friend Forever” as the name of their tour implies.
As the concert begins, Casey Kasem takes us back to that Saved by the Bell garage set where it all began, and the gang practice their horrible song, “Friends Forever.” Yeah, there’s too many bad songs in this episode so I won’t be transcribing them, but I just point out the ingenuously written lyric, “We’ll be friends forever/’till the end of time.” Redundancy, anyone? Also, the writers obviously don’t know what a lead singer is as Zack Morris is clearly the lead singer of the group, with Kelly merely backing him up.
Meanwhile, Casey Kasem, apparently hanging out in Zack Morris’s garage, declares that fate was about to run past them.
Yeah, this is Brian Fate, a big recording executive who was jogging past and loves their horrible Jonas Brothers-esque sound and wants to make them stars. Hah, that pun was so clever even the audience forgot to laugh. Oh, and Brian manages the “Beach Buddies” because this episode was too lazy to think of any original band names. Kelly asks if he’s really interested in them and Brian asks if Bart Simpson has animated zits. Uh, have you ever watched The Simpsons? Bart Simpson is in fourth grade on the show. No, he doesn’t have zits. That means he’s apparently a sadistic liar who deliberately makes fun of the hopes of teenagers.
At the stadium, girls randomly run up on stage and steal Screech’s clothes. Eww, why would anyone steal Screech’s clothes? Why is this even a question? And, yeah, this sequence lasts way too long.
Next, we find ourselves at a press conference being held by their publicist, Mindy. There’s more time wasting but the gist is that Zack Morris wants to fuck Mindy and Kelly declares the gang will be friends forever, except for Jessie because she’s off staring in Showgirls at this point. Oh my god! Zack Morris has morphed into Mecha-Zack Morris! It must be what happens when his ego explodes!
No. No they did not. Worse Michael Jackson and Madonna impersonators ever. I could look more like Michael Jackson than that. Hell, I could probably look more like Madonna than that. Sometimes this show displays a startling lack of effort.
Yeah, Zack Attack wins the biggest award, whatever that is, and we get a little more time wasting with all five members of the gang individually thanking previous guest stars who are not in this episode. God, this episode is so boring!
Meanwhile, Screech and Slater oogle girls, and a man with low self-esteem misses that he totally has a chance with Kelly. WHAT IS THE POINT OF ANY OF THIS? WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?!?!?!
Lisa designs some costumes for the group. Zack Morris likes them but Mindy’s all, “Your designs suck ass!” Lisa goes away feeling upset but Mindy tells him that she’ll make him a star and the rest of the band shouldn’t even be alive.
At the studio the next day, Brian and the gang are upset because Zack Morris is an hour late. Zack Morris shows up with a song he wrote with Mindy. Mindy’s suddenly become super bitch towards the rest of the gang. Kelly, Slater, and Screech wrote a song they want the band to sing, but, good god, it’s horrible even by Saved by the Bell standards. It’s all about school being boring. Yeah, imagine if you took The Wiggles and inserted lame stuff about teenage life in their songs. Zack Morris and Mindy’s song isn’t much of an improvement, but at least it doesn’t make me want to gouge my ears out. Well, at least permanently.
Yeah, we get some newspaper headlines about Zack Attack fighting, including this one with the season’s publicity photo and Jessie cleverly cropped out, because she’s totally lame since she’s not in this episode. Anyway, it’s right before a concert and Zack Morris is hella pissed about the articles. Screech gave the interview but the rest of the gang agree with him, so Zack Morris walks out to form his own group.
We get a run-down of what the gang do after the break-up, including Screech, who seeks out the “high geek” and is told the meaning of life is banging cheerleaders, because sex is obviously all there is to life. Oh, and, no joke, the guy playing the high nerd is Jeffrey Weissman, who might be most famous for imitating Crispin Glover in Back to the Future II and III.
Now get ready for the most hilarious thing you’ll ever see in your life. I mean, there have been some ridiculous ass moments on this show, but this just takes the cake! Are you ready? Well, take a look at this!
OH MY GOD! It’s like Vanilla Ice raided the wardrobe of Michael Jackson after getting his hair caught in the mouth of a rabid badger!!! I…I have no words! This shit speaks for itself! Never in my life have I been so ashamed to be a white boy as when I witness this travesty!
Yeah, Zack Morris is pissed at Mindy because she’s dressed him as a horrible caricature. He gets a call telling him that Slater, who’s a race car driver, has been in an accident and is in the hospital. Mindy the Bitch tells Zack Morris that if he leaves, they’re through and he’s like, “Fuck that! I have a future on cable television to think about!”
They’re soon joined by Screech, who’s managed to find a vapid stereotype who’s not repulsed by him.
Zack Morris comes in and apologizes to everyone for breaking up the band. Everyone’s like, “We instantly forgive you because we only have three minutes left in this episode and still have a lot to do!”
Casey Kasem brings us back to the present for the “Forever Friends” reunion tour of Zack Attack, where we’re treated to yet another song, and I am so bored out of my mind! I don’t fucking understand this episode at all! What the hell has been going on the last twenty minutes? This better not be some cheap ass gimmick…No. No. No. No. I…
FUCK YOU SAVED BY THE BELL!!! You fucking mean to tell me this was all a twenty-two minute dream sequence?!?! NO! WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK! I HAVE BEEN BORED BY THE LAST TWENTY-TWO MINUTES OVER AN EXTENDED DREAM SEQUENCE!
Fuck. My. Life.
We mercifully end this episode with Zack Attack practicing for a Bar Mitzvah gig, and if I ever see this fucking episode again, it will be too soon. I’d rather watch a twenty-four hour marathon of The New Class than endure this insulting, idiotic, pointless episode again. The moral of this episode? If you have a dream about being a successful rock star, don’t be a dick to your friends in it? Hell if I know.