The New Class Season 3, Episode 5: “Air Screech”

vlcsnap-2015-01-26-17h51m58s6 We open at the mall…oh god, the mall again…where suddenly everyone has jobs! Rachel’s job is to annoy the shit out of everyone at the mall by offering them samples of some shitty perfume. Lindsay works for a video store…in a mall. Remember when those were in malls all over the place? Yeah, neither do I. I’m wondering if Carl Kulander has ever actually been in a mall based on this episode.vlcsnap-2015-01-26-17h52m17s214

R.J.’s practically begging Maria to help him get a job at the Japanese restaurant she’s working at but she’s all, “You’re incompetent and no one wants to hire you!” Ryan’s “too cool” to get a job because getting a job is for poor people. He asks Lindsay to lunch but Lindsay says that she can’t because she’s having lunch with Tommy D on his break.

And, ladies and gentlemen, prepare for the single most hilarious thing that’s ever been on The New Class.

Tommy D in a chicken costume. Yes, someone has finally found a job for which Tommy D is completely qualified. Even then, Tommy D manages to fuck up royally since he’s supposed to be selling chicken but he gets tricked by a preteen boy into losing it all. Oh, Tommy D, you are, indeed, the stupidest character who’s ever appeared in this franchise. If only we could have had you in that chicken costume for every episode you appear in.vlcsnap-2015-01-26-17h53m43s49

Meanwhile, since every episode of The New Class has to feature a subplot involving Mr. Belding and/or Screech, our excuse this episode is that they’ve decided, once again, school administrators don’t make enough money and don’t need days off, Mr. Belding is managing his brother’s store, Sports Champs, on the weekend. Wait, Rod Belding owns a sports store?!?! He’s certainly come up in the world since “The Fabulous Belding Boys.” If he knew what was coming next, he would realize he’s actually become the more competent of the Belding brothers.

You see, since Mr. Belding has no memory regarding Screech’s incompetence, he’s chosen to hire Screech as the “weekend assistant manger,” because those things apparently exist. Screech immediately repays Mr. Belding’s amnesia by attempting to knock him out with a store mannequinThree Stooges style. Oh, the nonexistent hilarity.vlcsnap-2015-01-26-17h54m50s204

At Sports Champs, somehow Screech is in charge of hiring weekend help, and he quickly hires R.J. after R.J. does a bit of ass kissing. Rachel chases a woman into the store hoping to spray her with perfume. Mr. Belding tells her to get the fuck out but, instead, she goes on a shopping spree.vlcsnap-2015-01-26-17h55m32s113

R.J.’s first job is to spray paint a sign. For some reason, they do it right there in the middle of the store with Screech standing in front of it because no one on this show has an ounce of common sense when the writers are hoping someone will find something funny. The result is R.J. sprays Screech’s shoesvlcsnap-2015-01-26-17h56m30s177

Tommy D and Lindsay come to eat at the Japanese restaurant. Maria tells them they have to take off their shoes because it’s a Japanese tradition. No, it’s a Japanese tradition if someone is sitting in seiza position on the floor. It takes some credibility away from the scene when you just showed tables full of people wearing shoes and when even Maria is wearing shoes. But we’ve got to pretend we know something about Japanese culture so yeah. Rachel randomly comes in to brag about shopping and Tommy D gives Lindsay a watch.

Ryan comes in and is upset that Lindsay finds an idiot in a chicken costume more attractive than him so he decides he needs to find a way to give Lindsay a present. Naturally, this means trying to scam R.J. out of money. R.J.’s all, “Fuck off and get some from your rich brother!”

Mr. Belding tells Screech that he’s taking Little Zack to Disneyland tomorrow and he’s leaving Screech in charge of the store since he doesn’t really care if the store burns to the ground. Also, Screech thought R.J. could magically clean paint off shoes because, despite working for a high school, Screech doesn’t understand basic chemistry.vlcsnap-2015-01-26-17h59m12s0

Rachel comes in and admires Screech’s shoes. Somehow, she must be a connoisseur of shoes because this immediately makes two customers want to buy them because crappy looking spray painted shoes are in style this year. Ryan steps in and says this is just a floor model and they’re getting a new shipment tomorrow.vlcsnap-2015-01-26-18h00m31s27

This means that Ryan and Screech bring a bunch of shoes to Screech’s apartment and recruit R.J., Maria, and Rachel to spray paint them as crappy as the original. Screech asks if they should have stolen a bunch of shoes from the mall and Ryan is all, “Of course not, but it advances the plot so who the hell cares!” Screech still has misgivings but he’s enough of a lemming that Ryan is able to convince him Mr. Belding would be proud that Screech’s name is on a shoe.vlcsnap-2015-01-26-18h08m39s42

The result is the “Air Screech,” which makes no fucking sense. It’s obvious they’re ripping off Air Jordans, but need I remind these idiots that Air Jordans are named after a guy who…actually was good at basketball? Every time we’ve seen Screech in an athletic competition, he’s been incompetent at best and just embarrassing at worst. Who would want to buy a crappy spray painted shoe with his name on them? Also, why is the mall just randomly letting a teenager a a walking moron set up a display in the mall?vlcsnap-2015-01-26-18h09m15s141

The presentation comes with a badly green screened commercial showing that Air Screechs are so awesome they can tread any environment.vlcsnap-2015-01-26-18h11m11s38

We even get to see Screech partially shirtless as a guru. Why does this franchise insist on subjecting me to partially naked pictures of Dustin Diamond?!?!?!vlcsnap-2015-01-26-18h12m04s46

Naturally, the shoppers of this mall are lemmings and buy tons of shoes, making lots of money for the five at $150 a pop. Lindsay walks by and Ryan invites her to lunch. She has another date with Tommy D so Ryan decides it’s time for a lame plan only Tommy D would fall for.vlcsnap-2015-01-26-18h13m15s249

Basically, Ryan gets R.J. to cry a lot and say he missed out on getting a $1,000 prize from a secret shopper because he took a break. This makes Tommy D decide to work instead of going on a date with Lindsay. Yeah, should it surprise anyone at this point that this plan would fool Tommy D?

Ryan goes on his date with Lindsay where he gives her a bracelet. He invites her to dinner the next night and Ryan’s ecstatic that he finally beat chicken man.vlcsnap-2015-01-26-18h14m37s40

Mr. Belding walks in as Screech, Ryan, and R.J. are trying to sell a pair of Air Screeches to someone. He’s all, “You idiots are doing something illegal and need to stop now.” Mr. Belding tells them to stop selling these crappy painted over shoes but Ryan has other plans.vlcsnap-2015-01-26-18h15m58s88

This means he puts his super engineering skills to work and turns a pretzel cart into a point of sale display for Air Screeches. This allows them to close up the cart when Mr. Belding comes by. Naturally, everyone wants a crappy product because they want their salaries as extras.vlcsnap-2015-01-26-18h17m18s107

Does it surprise you at all that Tommy D bought a pair of the shoes? It shouldn’t given his propensity to idiocy. He comes into the store looking for some socks to go with his shoes and tells Mr. Belding and Screech he just bought the shoes from Ryan and R.J. on the other side of the mall. Also, Tommy D chases an old woman out of the store and she runs in terror since there’s an idiot in a chicken costume chasing her.

Mr. Belding decides to teach Ryan and R.J. a lesson. Screech calls R.J. out of the stock room even though we just established seconds earlier he was still on the other side of the mall selling shoes. This explains everything. R.J. is really the Great Gazoo! Mr. Belding tells R.J. it’s a good thing they stopped selling those shoes because a representative from the shoe company is coming to the mall in a couple hours and, if they hadn’t stopped selling the shoe, they could have been sued or go to jail since Saved by the Bell doesn’t understand the difference between civil and criminal law.

R.J. runs to tell Ryan and they rush to think of a plan to get rid of all the shoes in the mall. This involves buying everyone who has Air Screeches a free lunch at Maria’s Japanese restaurant so that everyone has to take their shoes off since that made so much sense before and since everyone with Air Screeches just happens to both like Japanese food and be hungry at the same time. Yeah, that makes about as much sense as Sarah Palin’s explanation why she has foreign policy experience.

Screech and Mr. Belding come in with a stranger whom Ryan and R.J. assume to be the representative from the shoe company. Ryan and R.J. apologize profusely over the incident but it turns out that the man is Mr. Belding’s brother-in-law, Jeffrey, who owns the store. WHAT! No Rod! This is the biggest rip off since Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cookies! I want some Rod Belding! He said brother, not brother-in-law! STUPID SHOW AND YOUR INCONSISTENT WRITING!

Anyway, Ryan and R.J. have to refund all the customers who bought Air Screeches their money and work off the shoes they ruined.vlcsnap-2015-01-26-18h21m56s81This means Ryan takes over Tommy D’s job in the chicken costume while Tommy D takes Lindsay on a date because that’s totally how jobs work. You can just hand it over to anyone else anytime you want to do something else. Our episode ends with the kid who tricked Tommy D earlier trying to trick Ryan, and Ryan tricks the kid into paying him $10 an hour both for the chicken and to wear the costume because stealing money from children is funny!


2 responses to “The New Class Season 3, Episode 5: “Air Screech”

  1. Tommy D got progressively dumber between the end of season 2 and most of season 3

  2. This was one of the worst episodes of the whole New Class series. The plots were all unbelievably stupid (even more so than any of the others). But then again, any episode that was filmed at the mall and that had Screech as the star was horrible.

    My pick for the worst episode of the New Class? You haven’t gotten to it yet. It takes place during season 4, is set at the mall, and the title is “Vote Screech”. I shudder just thinking of it.

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