Yes, it’s prom time at Bayside, and get ready for the worst prom episode in the history of this franchise. We open with Tommy D and Ryan both trying to wow Lindsay and get her to go to the prom with them so they can have her for the after party. Tommy D even recites the worst poem known to man:
Roses are red,
Violets are not,
Blah, blah blah,
I think you’re hot.
I would say this is the laziest excuse for writing in the history of everything, but what do you expect out of this show at this point? Lindsay’s not overly impressed with either of their efforts and tells them they’re going to have to back the fuck off and let her decide.
R.J. asks a girl named Valerie to the prom and suddenly becomes uncharacteristically shy around women. Considering he’s been portrayed as cocky and arrogant to this point, this is completely unbelievable.
This guy, Don, asks Maria to the prom, but she says she has a date. After he’s out of ear shot, Rachel calls Maria out for lying, but Maria’s all, “Don can’t get it hard! My guy has to be perfect!”
Our third subplot of the episode revolves around Rachel being insecure because no one has asked her to the prom, probably out of fear that they’ll disappear like her last boyfriend.
And, as if that’s not enough subplots, our fifth subplot involves Screech being faculty adviser of the prom committee. Yes, we have five fucking subplots. The writers of this show have lost their damned minds if they think they’re going to be able to do justice towards any of these threads. Oh, also Screech has a bunch of yearbooks so he can study past proms. Haha, so funny.
At the yearbook meeting, which just happens to feature all our players from this episode, R.J. and Valerie demonstrate how they can hug in front of a Hawaiian backdrop that Screech thinks is Californian. Mr. Belding comes in to break up this steamy scene because apparently The New Class can’t handle hugging.
Mr. Belding tells the committee that he’s been getting complaints from parents that they have to spend too much on prom so this year he’s forcing the students to have a budget conscious prom. Since he’s completely lost touch with reality, he’s setting a rule that no couple can spend over $60 for the prom. In what universe does Mr. Belding live in? Seriously, this is the dumbest conflict I’ve seen in the history of this franchise. Well, other than the death of a magical duck. Or Kelly’s baby brother coming to school. Or Jessie being hooked on caffeine pills. Or a government agent thinking Screech was an alien.
Okay, you get my point. This is the dumbest conflict in the history of this franchise except for all the conflicts that were dumber than this one.
Ryan sees a chance to impress Lindsay so he agrees to help think of ways to defer costs for the prom. Oh, and some guy cock teases Rachel.
At The Max, Tommy D and Lindsay have lunch together and they talk about how many times Tommy D has nearly killed Lindsay. Geez, why is she even considering going to the prom with him. This could be lethal to her health.
After she’s out of sight, a man clearly too old to legally be at Bayside comes up and warmly greets R.J. Turns out this is Carl, Valerie’s brother, and he’s fucking pissed off that his sister is in a shitty Saved by the Bell spin-off. Carl tells R.J. he better get his sister off this show immediately by not doing any hanky panky shit with her or he’s going to murder R.J.
Screech, meanwhile, does a really racist Japanese impression as he folds some tissue paper into a corsage and pretends like this is origami since the writers of this show couldn’t be bothered to look up what origami actually is. Screech tells Ryan this is one way to save money on the prom and Ryan thinks it’s stupid enough to be on this show so he takes one over to Lindsay. She tells him that she’s going with Tommy D to the prom so Ryan gets bummed out and throws away his corsage. We then get an uncomfortably long close-up of the most realistic character in this episode.
His first is to turn the prom into a marathon and, while this is just stupid enough to be featured in an episode of this show, Mr. Belding thinks it’s a dumb idea. Notice Ryan’s face in the background as he considers whether this is the most idiotic idea in the history of idiotic ideas.
But that doesn’t stop Screech from ripping his clothes off. Why…me…
Ryan comes up with an idea to turn the buses into party mobiles to cut costs on transportation. Even though this is a stupid idea and surely not within the authority of a school principal to implement, Mr. Belding loves the idea because this is The New Class and nothing is realistic on this show. Instead of caterers, Ryan suggests the home ec class cooks for the prom and Mr. Belding goes for that, too, leaving Screech stupdified that someone is smarter than him, which was plain to the rest of us eight years ago when we first met him.
Lindsay’s grateful that Ryan has stupid ideas that Mr. Belding likes. Tommy D makes her lose her elation by asking her to the movies tonight so that it’s more convenient to shoot their subplot alongside R.J.’s.
At the movies, Carl’s still pissed off that his sister is still in a shitty Saved by the Bell spin-off and continues threatening R.J.’s life if he doesn’t maintain enough distance that she won’t be seen on this show again. R.J. naturally complies.
The next day, Rachel’s still bummed no one has asked her to the prom so Screech tries to cheer her up by telling her if he wasn’t in a position of authority and trust over her, he would take her. Then, this subplot starts taking a creepy turn.
He then tries to set her up with a nerd whose running gag seems to be he has trouble remaining standing. This fails and Rachel is even more upset that her subplot is going absolutely nowhere.
Maria comes in and suddenly remembers she has a subplot in this episode but she hasn’t got a date yet. A guy named Peter who she apparently turned down off camera earlier walks by and she tries to ask him out by telling him that her prom date got hit by a bus. Trust me, this will be eerily ironic by the end of this review. He’s all, “Fuck off, stuck up bitch,” and walks away. It’s then that Maria realizes her subplot may be worse than Rachel’s.
At The Max, the girls come in and sit one booth over from Tommy D. They apparently all need eye exams because Lindsay starts talking about how Tommy D sucks ass and she wants to go to the prom with Ryan because she’s into his lazy eye.
Tommy D overhears and is none too pleased that he’s turned invisible.
At Bayside, Ryan asks Maria to the prom so we can finally bring some resolution to one subplot. Surprise, surprise, Screech still hasn’t been able to find a date for Rachel so she decides she’ll just stay home that night.
That night, Screech shows up at Rachel’s house and asks her to the prom. Yes, a faculty member asks a student to the prom after all that bull shit about not being a student anymore. So, neither Mr. Belding nor Rachel’s parents think it’s weird that someone working for the school is taking a student to the prom. Contributing to the delinquency of a minor right there. So, between dressing Rachel up like Violet and giving her that creepy look in the last scene, I think Screech hopes to get lucky tonight…
And time for the prom, where we see Ryan’s final cost saving innovation, having the boys give the girls their tuxedo jackets and dancing in their t-shirts. Worst…prom…ever. Seriously, if this were my prom, I’d be fucking pissed off.
R.J. gets one more visit from Carl, who’s still pissed his sister is on this shitty show. R.J. reminds him that the only recurring characters this show offers are some of the nerds and jocks so his sister has nothing to worry about as he’s sure she’ll never be seen again. This satisfies Carl, who walks out smug and gets hit by a bus.
No, seriously, the actor playing Carl, Lexie Bigham, died after being hit by a bus a year after filming this episode while he was filming a shitty Jon Lovitz movie. Poor guy. I don’t know which is worse, dying or knowing that two of your last acting gigs were a shitty TNBC show and a Jon Lovitz film.
So…wait…Carl and Maria are both wearing the stupid outfit of the prom despite the fact neither one has a date. Does that mean Carl was Maria’s prom date? (See, I told you there’d be some irony in her lame excuse that her fake date got hit by a bus.)
Tommy D’s still pissed that Lindsay needs an eye exam and doesn’t want to do much of anything at the prom but mope. He sees Ryan come in tells Lindsay she might as well finish off the prom with Ryan so they can wrap up the final subplot. Ryan accepts and Maria goes off to be a switch hitter with Tommy D.
And our episode ends with the most predictable conclusion in this franchise’s history considering we’ve already seen a few out of order episodes where Ryan and Lindsay were together. See, I told you, worst prom episode ever.
Firsts: Ryan and Lindsay date.