Monthly Archives: March 2015

The New Class Season 3, Episode 12: “Prom Dates”

vlcsnap-2015-03-07-18h04m52s57

Yes, it’s prom time at Bayside, and get ready for the worst prom episode in the history of this franchise. We open with Tommy D and Ryan both trying to wow Lindsay and get her to go to the prom with them so they can have her for the after party. Tommy D even recites the worst poem known to man:

Roses are red,
Violets are not,
Blah, blah blah,
I think you’re hot.

I would say this is the laziest excuse for writing in the history of everything, but what do you expect out of this show at this point? Lindsay’s not overly impressed with either of their efforts and tells them they’re going to have to back the fuck off and let her decide.

vlcsnap-2015-03-07-18h05m27s143

R.J. asks a girl named Valerie to the prom and suddenly becomes uncharacteristically shy around women. Considering he’s been portrayed as cocky and arrogant to this point, this is completely unbelievable. 
vlcsnap-2015-03-07-18h05m48s102

This guy, Don, asks Maria to the prom, but she says she has a date. After he’s out of ear shot, Rachel calls Maria out for lying, but Maria’s all, “Don can’t get it hard! My guy has to be perfect!”

Our third subplot of the episode revolves around Rachel being insecure because no one has asked her to the prom, probably out of fear that they’ll disappear like her last boyfriend.

vlcsnap-2015-03-07-18h06m30s10

And, as if that’s not enough subplots, our fifth subplot involves Screech being faculty adviser of the prom committee. Yes, we have five fucking subplots. The writers of this show have lost their damned minds if they think they’re going to be able to do justice towards any of these threads. Oh, also Screech has a bunch of yearbooks so he can study past proms. Haha, so funny.
vlcsnap-2015-03-07-18h07m35s156

At the yearbook meeting, which just happens to feature all our players from this episode, R.J. and Valerie demonstrate how they can hug in front of a Hawaiian backdrop that Screech thinks is Californian. Mr. Belding comes in to break up this steamy scene because apparently The New Class can’t handle hugging.

Mr. Belding tells the committee that he’s been getting complaints from parents that they have to spend too much on prom so this year he’s forcing the students to have a budget conscious prom. Since he’s completely lost touch with reality, he’s setting a rule that no couple can spend over $60 for the prom. In what universe does Mr. Belding live in? Seriously, this is the dumbest conflict I’ve seen in the history of this franchise. Well, other than the death of a magical duck. Or Kelly’s baby brother coming to school. Or Jessie being hooked on caffeine pills. Or a government agent thinking Screech was an alien.

Okay, you get my point. This is the dumbest conflict in the history of this franchise except for all the conflicts that were dumber than this one.

Ryan sees a chance to impress Lindsay so he agrees to help think of ways to defer costs for the prom. Oh, and some guy cock teases Rachel.

At The Max, Tommy D and Lindsay have lunch together and they talk about how many times Tommy D has nearly killed Lindsay. Geez, why is she even considering going to the prom with him. This could be lethal to her health.

Back at Bayside, R.J. decides he needs a warm up round to get to know Valerie’s naughty bits so he asks her to the movies. She agrees because plot.vlcsnap-2015-03-07-18h10m14s209

After she’s out of sight, a man clearly too old to legally be at Bayside comes up and warmly greets R.J. Turns out this is Carl, Valerie’s brother, and he’s fucking pissed off that his sister is in a shitty Saved by the Bell spin-off. Carl tells R.J. he better get his sister off this show immediately by not doing any hanky panky shit with her or he’s going to murder R.J.

Tommy D and Lindsay’s lunch has rekindled the yearning in Lindsay for the nice, predictable Tommy D/Lindsay subplots from the first two seasons so Lindsay agrees to go to the prom with Tommy D.
vlcsnap-2015-03-07-18h11m19s91

Screech, meanwhile, does a really racist Japanese impression as he folds some tissue paper into a corsage and pretends like this is origami since the writers of this show couldn’t be bothered to look up what origami actually is. Screech tells Ryan this is one way to save money on the prom and Ryan thinks it’s stupid enough to be on this show so he takes one over to Lindsay. She tells him that she’s going with Tommy D to the prom so Ryan gets bummed out and throws away his corsage. We then get an uncomfortably long close-up of the most realistic character in this episode.

vlcsnap-2015-03-07-19h11m34s142

In Mr. Belding’s office, Screech talks about more sucky ass ideas to save money.vlcsnap-2015-03-07-18h12m18s171

His first is to turn the prom into a marathon and, while this is just stupid enough to be featured in an episode of this show, Mr. Belding thinks it’s a dumb idea. Notice Ryan’s face in the background as he considers whether this is the most idiotic idea in the history of idiotic ideas.vlcsnap-2015-03-07-18h12m40s99

But that doesn’t stop Screech from ripping his clothes off. Why…me…

Ryan comes up with an idea to turn the buses into party mobiles to cut costs on transportation. Even though this is a stupid idea and surely not within the authority of a school principal to implement, Mr. Belding loves the idea because this is The New Class and nothing is realistic on this show. Instead of caterers, Ryan suggests the home ec class cooks for the prom and Mr. Belding goes for that, too, leaving Screech stupdified that someone is smarter than him, which was plain to the rest of us eight years ago when we first met him.

Lindsay’s grateful that Ryan has stupid ideas that Mr. Belding likes. Tommy D makes her lose her elation by asking her to the movies tonight so that it’s more convenient to shoot their subplot alongside R.J.’s.vlcsnap-2015-03-07-18h14m25s153

At the movies, Carl’s still pissed off that his sister is still in a shitty Saved by the Bell spin-off and continues threatening R.J.’s life if he doesn’t maintain enough distance that she won’t be seen on this show again. R.J. naturally complies.vlcsnap-2015-03-07-18h15m33s54

Meanwhile, Lindsay can’t stop talking about Ryan so Tommy D’s all, “Well, why don’t you just go suck Ryan’s cock then?”vlcsnap-2015-03-07-18h16m18s12

The next day, Rachel’s still bummed no one has asked her to the prom so Screech tries to cheer her up by telling her if he wasn’t in a position of authority and trust over her, he would take her. Then, this subplot starts taking a creepy turn.vlcsnap-2015-03-07-18h16m43s243

First, Screech decides to try and help Rachel by dressing her up like Violet because apparently she’s just so hot she’s intimidating.vlcsnap-2015-03-07-18h17m28s188

He then tries to set her up with a nerd whose running gag seems to be he has trouble remaining standing. This fails and Rachel is even more upset that her subplot is going absolutely nowhere.

Maria comes in and suddenly remembers she has a subplot in this episode but she hasn’t got a date yet. A guy named Peter who she apparently turned down off camera earlier walks by and she tries to ask him out by telling him that her prom date got hit by a bus. Trust me, this will be eerily ironic by the end of this review. He’s all, “Fuck off, stuck up bitch,” and walks away. It’s then that Maria realizes her subplot may be worse than Rachel’s.

At The Max, the girls come in and sit one booth over from Tommy D. They apparently all need eye exams because Lindsay starts talking about how Tommy D sucks ass and she wants to go to the prom with Ryan because she’s into his lazy eye.
vlcsnap-2015-03-07-18h19m08s96

Tommy D overhears and is none too pleased that he’s turned invisible.

At Bayside, Ryan asks Maria to the prom so we can finally bring some resolution to one subplot. Surprise, surprise, Screech still hasn’t been able to find a date for Rachel so she decides she’ll just stay home that night.vlcsnap-2015-03-07-18h20m57s229

And this is the look Screech gives as she walks off. The creepiness factor just keeps rising…vlcsnap-2015-03-07-18h21m27s24

That night, Screech shows up at Rachel’s house and asks her to the prom. Yes, a faculty member asks a student to the prom after all that bull shit about not being a student anymore. So, neither Mr. Belding nor Rachel’s parents think it’s weird that someone working for the school is taking a student to the prom. Contributing to the delinquency of a minor right there. So, between dressing Rachel up like Violet and giving her that creepy look in the last scene, I think Screech hopes to get lucky tonight…vlcsnap-2015-03-07-18h22m02s119

And time for the prom, where we see Ryan’s final cost saving innovation, having the boys give the girls their tuxedo jackets and dancing in their t-shirts. Worst…prom…ever. Seriously, if this were my prom, I’d be fucking pissed off.vlcsnap-2015-03-07-18h22m32s150

R.J. gets one more visit from Carl, who’s still pissed his sister is on this shitty show. R.J. reminds him that the only recurring characters this show offers are some of the nerds and jocks so his sister has nothing to worry about as he’s sure she’ll never be seen again. This satisfies Carl, who walks out smug and gets hit by a bus.

No, seriously, the actor playing Carl, Lexie Bigham, died after being hit by a bus a year after filming this episode while he was filming a shitty Jon Lovitz movie. Poor guy. I don’t know which is worse, dying or knowing that two of your last acting gigs were a shitty TNBC show and a Jon Lovitz film.

So…wait…Carl and Maria are both wearing the stupid outfit of the prom despite the fact neither one has a date. Does that mean Carl was Maria’s prom date? (See, I told you there’d be some irony in her lame excuse that her fake date got hit by a bus.)

Tommy D’s still pissed that Lindsay needs an eye exam and doesn’t want to do much of anything at the prom but mope. He sees Ryan come in tells Lindsay she might as well finish off the prom with Ryan so they can wrap up the final subplot. Ryan accepts and Maria goes off to be a switch hitter with Tommy D.

vlcsnap-2015-03-07-18h26m20s140And our episode ends with the most predictable conclusion in this franchise’s history considering we’ve already seen a few out of order episodes where Ryan and Lindsay were together. See, I told you, worst prom episode ever.

Firsts: Ryan and Lindsay date.

Saved by the Bell Season 4, Episode 3: “Screech’s Spaghetti Sauce”

vlcsnap-2015-03-05-20h19m53s219

We open to discover that Punky Brewster’s transferred to Bayside from 90210. Whoa, that’s like a super ’80s and ’90s mash-up right there! Zack Morris is naturally the first to notice Punky around and his dick goes “Boing!” Zack Morris asks Punky out on a date but she wants nothing to do with him because he drives a classic car, which is news to me but oh well. Wait…what does she have against classic cars? Some girls would kill to ride in one! Seriously, this makes no sense!

Zack Morris is naturally confused, especially since Punky Brewster wanted his hot man chowder just a few years ago. Maybe the world is blind, or just a little unkind. Don’t know.

There’s no time to think about that, though, because Mr. Belding comes in acting as the communications class teacher since the producers blew their budget getting Punky Brewster and couldn’t afford another guest star. He tells the class their project this year will be to put on a show for “cable access television.” Yeah, this actually became a pretty popular thing in the ’90s so I can kind of sort of believe it…I guess.

vlcsnap-2015-03-05-20h21m55s170

So we cut directly to the production of the show, where Slater’s taking advantage of being Jessie-free to ask Punky Brewster to The Max for a burger. Punky’s a snob since she moved to Beverly Hills, though, and only wants to date someone if they’re rich enough to take her out to fancy restaurants, which makes complete sense in a high school. Yeah. Slater’s all, “How could she not go for me? I thought all girls were attracted to my rippling muscles, but seems you can’t be sure of anything anymore.”

vlcsnap-2015-03-05-20h22m23s205

So Zack Morris and Lisa are the co-anchors of this little experiment that will be repeated in about three years once the writers try to pretend it never happened.

vlcsnap-2015-03-05-20h22m54s1

Jessie’s a roving reporter interviewing Mr. Belding and trying to pretend she’s serious and shit by drilling him on financial matters no one gives a damn about. Oh, it’s so cute seeing Jessie take her quasi-feminism and try to apply it to other areas of her life.

vlcsnap-2015-03-05-20h23m56s96

Next is Kelly who’s dressed in a winter coat because those are really needed in Los Angeles. She gives the weather report in the most stereotypical and sexist manner possible.

vlcsnap-2015-03-05-20h24m14s26

And then takes off the coat so all the adult men in the Saved by the Bell universe who enjoy high school girls can have plenty of masturbation material.

vlcsnap-2015-03-05-20h24m46s87

Last and certainly least is Screech, who’s running a cooking show. Yes, no one in this universe ever learns from their mistakes so they continue letting Screech do shit. He’s making spaghetti and actually does a good job, first impressing Slater and then the rest of the gang with something that’s not only edible but also doesn’t lead to bowel issues or erectile dysfunction. The problem is there’s some sort of secret ingredient in the sauce which I’m not sure I want to know what it is. After all, this is Screech we’re talking about.

The next day, Zack Morris and Slater are disturbed to discover no girls give a shit they were on a public access show because…girls are supposed to care you paid to be on television?

vlcsnap-2015-03-05-20h26m24s52

All the girls have suddenly lost their minds, though, because they suddenly think Screech is fuckable because he can make spaghetti sauce. Yeah, that’s the way sex appeal works. If that were the case, I should be Hugh Heffner compared to Screech. Zack Morris gets the idea that, if girls want to fuck Screech over his spaghetti sauce, they should sell it so Punky Brewster will want them.vlcsnap-2015-03-05-20h27m23s126

Punky Brewster overhears them and decides that she can pretend to like Screech as long as it’s a Zack Morris scheme in action because those are always guaranteed to succeed. Screech decides that Violet must be in Beverly Hills talking up how horrendous of a lover he is  so he doesn’t bother to question why Punky would want him. Punky lets Screech buy her lunch and they go off to discuss how he can use his money to benefit her.
vlcsnap-2015-03-05-20h27m54s178

In…the kitchen…have we ever actually seen a kitchen at Bayside before or should we just assume they’re doing this at The Max like everything else they do? I don’t know. In any case, the girls busily eat the spaghetti sauce because girls like to eat. Zack Morris brings in beakers from the science lab to bottle the spaghetti sauce in, because I’m sure that’s really healthy. A little acid to go with your spaghetti?vlcsnap-2015-03-05-20h28m19s180

Lisa unveils the new label for the sauce, which would be enough to make me never want to buy it if I had to look at that face every time I craved Italian. 
vlcsnap-2015-03-05-20h29m52s75

So, yeah, they’re bottling on a conveyor belt because they actually decided they wanted to rip off a classic scene from I Love Lucy, since these writers can so be trusted to stick to the spirit of one of the most legendary comedians in television history. Screech’s job is simple: take each bottle off the conveyor belt and box it but Screech fails at life so he can’t even complete that simple task. vlcsnap-2015-03-05-20h32m29s116

Next, the gang film one of the worst excuses for a commercial I’ve ever seen. Really, this commercial is a couple minutes long. Do they realize how much a commercial this long would cost to air? But who the hell cares because it gives them the chance to insult every Italian-American who’s ever existed by imitating every Italian stereotype known to man. Oh, and Slater’s name in the commercial is Mario. Haha, it’s funny because they’re unoriginal and used Mario Lopez’s real name. Also, they dare to utter the words “saved by the bell” for the first time in the franchise’s history because they’re that desperate to make the audience feel something.vlcsnap-2015-03-05-20h32m56s126

At The Max…I knew The Max had to come into this somehow…the gang sell Screech’s spaghetti sauce because whoever the hell owns The Max at this point doesn’t give a damn what crazy schemes Zack Morris pulls out of their establishment since they’re keeping the business afloat with mafia money anyway. They sell a shit ton of spaghetti sauce because that’s what all the kids are buying nowadays.vlcsnap-2015-03-05-20h33m42s77

Screech and Punky Brewster come in. Screech believes he’s Chef Boyardee since students at Bayside are completely insane and probably snorting the spaghetti sauce in defiance of Johnny Dakota. Punky gets mad when Screech wants to sign an autograph and, instead, demands lobsters and watches and necklaces and shit. The rest of the gang get upset at how Punky’s obviously turned to a life of gold digging and Zack Morris decides he has to tell Screech about Punky’s sordid past.

The next day, Zack Morris tries to talk to Screech about Punky Brewster, but Mr. Belding interrupts them talking about the spaghetti sauce. Zack Morris gives Mr. Belding a free sample so Mr. Belding will leave and they can continue with this scene.vlcsnap-2015-03-05-20h36m14s57

They’re interrupted again by Random Lawyer from Betsy Crocker Which Doesn’t Resemble Any Real Company Whatsoever if You Took Out an “S.”  Zack Morris assumes Random Lawyer wants to buy the recipe for the spaghetti sauce, but Random Lawyer, instead, wants to give them a cease and desist order since Screech is a complete dumb ass and didn’t think it’d be a problem to use someone else’s recipe as his own. Yes, that’s right, turns out Screech got the recipe from his grandmother, who copied it out of a Betsy Crocker cookbook. Yep, idiots all around.

After a commercial break, the gang’s bummed that they were idiotic enough to think Screech was competent on his own.vlcsnap-2015-03-05-20h43m49s254

Zack Morris tries to tell Screech that Punky Brewster only wants him for his money and not his man bits but Screech decides Zack Morris is just jealous because he didn’t go after Punky Brewster a few years ago when he had the chance.  Punky Brewster comes walking by and Screech tells Zack Morris, “Although, you may be lonely and then, one day you’re smiling again. Every time I turn around, I see the girl who turns my world around. Standing there.”

Screech gives Punky Brewster the necklace she wanted but the selfish bitch wants another one in a different color. She practically tells Screech she’s a gold digger, but Screech is an idiot and doesn’t pick up on these not so subtle signs, so he rushes off to buy Punky the other necklace. He forgets his wallet, though, and has to return to retrieve it.

vlcsnap-2015-03-05-20h45m04s220

It’s then he overhears Punky talking with fellow gold digger Chloe about how repulsive Screech is and how she only wants him for his money. It’s only then that Screech finally gets the subtle hint she doesn’t really like him and sulks off.

In the kitchen, the gang bemoan the fact that they can’t sell the rest of their sauce. Screech comes in depressed that Punky Brewster was using him. He tells the gang, “Everytime I turn around, her spirit’s lifting me right off the ground. What’s gonna be? Guess we’ll just wait and see.”

vlcsnap-2015-03-05-20h46m02s53

Mr. Belding comes in, having realized that the gang stole school property to bottle the spaghetti sauce.  Mr. Belding tells them they have to repay the cost of the stolen goods by tomorrow or he’s suspending them. They decide to use their profits off the spaghetti sauce. Unfortunately, Screech spent it all trying to woo an ’80s child actor so there’s none left. This somehow gives Zack Morris an idea to raise the money and get back at Punky.
vlcsnap-2015-03-05-20h47m38s245

At The Max, Screech tells Punky Brewster he wants to get out of the spaghetti sauce business so he can spend more time with her. Punky thinks Screech is a complete moron, but Screech won’t be persuaded.vlcsnap-2015-03-05-20h48m01s207

In walks Vladimir Lenin to buy Screech’s recipe. The chairman soon gets into a bidding war with the rest of the gang over the rights to the recipe. For some reason, Punky Brewster wants in on the bidding as well, and bids $2,000, $1,800 of it from her checking account and the rest from the gifts Screech gave her. Punky runs off with the recipe, telling Screech he’s a complete dumb ass as the gang rejoice they successfully committed fraud and have now dug themselves deeper. vlcsnap-2015-03-05-20h50m07s209

Oh, but wouldn’t you know it! Vladimir Lenin was really Zack Morris, and our episode ends with Screech learning nothing, telling Zack Morris he has a date with Chloe so he can spend all the money they just stole from Punky. Oh, Screech. You’re such an idiot.

Firsts: Bayside has a television show.

The New Class Season 3, Episode 11: “Ryan’s Worst Nightmare”

vlcsnap-2015-02-23-15h25m31s205

We open in the gym, where the gang have been tasked with constructing a float for, get this, the Bayside-Westwood Sports Weekend. I’m…speechless. Westwood isn’t their rival and I fail to understand why there’s an entire weekend devoted to their sports. This show just keeps getting dumber and dumber.
vlcsnap-2015-02-23-15h25m48s139

And even dumber is allowing Tommy D to paint Lindsay’s face on the cheerleader. So…Tommy D thinks Lindsay looks like Sailor Moon with crooked teeth and too much mascara? vlcsnap-2015-02-23-15h26m31s48

Screech comes in and announces he’s the faculty adviser for this project since it’s cheaper than paying a guest star. He’s constructed a Mr. Belding to put on the float since he’s developing an unhealthy obsession around his former principal. The gang tell Screech they don’t want his stupid fucking float so he takes it to try to pawn it off on some other poor soul.

Lindsay mentions that Tommy D is taking her to the movies tonight, instantly sending Ryan into jealousy mode where he tries to play on Tommy D’s idiocy to get him to cancel the date. Tommy D’s all, “I’m not an idiot when it’s inconvenient to the plot, so no.” Also, after dating for several episodes in a row due to the incompetence of whoever is in charge of airing these episodes, it seems like we’re back to Ryan and Tommy D feuding over Lindsay.

The bell rings, sending R.J. into a frenzy since he has to get to physics class. Turns out the gang sans Lindsay all have Miss Hearst for physics and she has a reputation.vlcsnap-2015-02-23-15h27m37s178

Oh, good. Just what we needed: another psychopathic member of Bayside’s faculty. She asks random stupid questions and purposely tries to intimidate her students to keep them from feeling competent. This is like the fourth teacher on this franchise who’s taken joy in the failure of students. What is wrong with this school?vlcsnap-2015-02-23-15h28m35s13

Mr. Belding and Screech come in to announce that tomorrow is Miss Hearst’s last day at Bayside. She’s moving to New Jersey to marry another psychopathic person and produce children who will one day co-star in Kirk Cameron films. Mr. Belding offers her a gift of a paper weight that says, “Bayside,” but she thinks it sucks ass and throws it away as soon as they’re outside the room.

Miss Hearst tells them she has a present of her own for her students: one last psychopathic test that she’s going to purposely make so hard they’ll fail. The bell rings and the gang tell Lindsay they can’t work on the float since they have to study for the test. Tommy D breaks off his date with Lindsay as well, and Ryan swoops in to catch him some of that Lindsay poon.vlcsnap-2015-02-23-15h30m54s127

Following their date, Ryan and Lindsay go to The Max, where Ryan keeps insisting that he doesn’t need to go home and study since he’s sure that, being the Saved by the Bell universe, it’ll all work out in the end.vlcsnap-2015-02-23-15h31m30s220

Also, when did Ron become a waiter? We’ve never seen him work at The Max. Guess they needed something for him to do.

Now get ready for the most disturbing attempt at special effects in television history.vlcsnap-2015-02-23-15h31m57s238

Ryan starts hallucinating Miss Hearst everywhere, starting with a bad overlay on Lindsay’s body that makes her look like Rosie O’Donnell. God, that’s disturbing.
vlcsnap-2015-02-23-15h32m13s152

He next imagines her on Ron’s body. I never pictured Ron as a Rosie O’Donnell look alike before. Ryan decides this psychotic episode means nothing and he’ll just cram later for the test.vlcsnap-2015-02-23-15h32m58s73

At Ryan’s house, the theme of psychotic break continues as Ryan tries to study for the test but, instead, hallucinates Lindsay in his bedroom. Were this a realistic show, this would be about the time Ryan would start masturbating. Instead, Ryan’s psychotic episode ends with Ryan insisting he has to study.vlcsnap-2015-02-23-15h33m47s68

Rather than studying, though, he calls Lindsay and talks to her until 1:00 am. Lindsay hangs up to get some sleep and Ryan tries to study, but quickly falls asleep.

The next day, the gang work on the float when Ryan runs in apologizing for being late. His hallucination of Lindsay came back and he couldn’t resist beating his meat anymore.vlcsnap-2015-02-23-15h34m59s9

Mr. Belding and Screech come in and Mr. Belding praises the float. He then exposits that he has to go off campus for a meeting. So guess who he’s putting in charge of the school…vlcsnap-2015-02-23-15h36m02s134

Yeah, this guy…

Why does no one ever learn from past mistakes on this show? The float would be more competent to be in charge…

Ryan tells R.J. he didn’t study for the test and has to find a way to get out of it. The solution he comes up with is to convince the only character on this show who rivals Tommy D for lack of intelligence that it’s National Fire Drill Day and every school in the country is having a fire drill during second period. Screech, naturally having no common sense, fully buys the story and rushes to get ready for a fire drill.

 

In Miss Hearst’s class, our latest psychotic teacher brags about how hard her test is and how many teenagers she can fail. Ryan looks unphased and Miss Hearst tries to get to the bottom of his calmness in front of seeming insanity when the fire drill goes off. Miss Hearst practically does the “I’m melting!” routine from The Wizard of Oz as she realizes she won’t be able to give failing grades to her students one more time.

In the hallway, Mr. Belding comes in and is about to cancel the fire drill when Ryan tells him that he smelled smoke coming from the gym. Mr. Belding goes into his office and turns on the conveniently new water sprinkler system which apparently isn’t set off by smoke but by someone activating it. That’s a pretty damn useless system.vlcsnap-2015-02-23-15h39m34s201

The water naturally ruins the gang’s float. Ryan leaves in guilt which the gang initially interpret as him being bummed about a float he barely worked on.

Mr. Belding and Screech come in, with Mr. Belding lecturing Screech on his complete incompetence. Screech lets out that Ryan told him about National Fire Drill Day.vlcsnap-2015-02-23-15h40m44s131

Maria quickly ascertains that Ryan had something to do with the fire drill and, using the skillful negotiation tactics she’s becoming known for, convinces R.J. to tell them that Ryan faked the fire drill to get out of the test. Mr. Belding decides the only answer for this is to recruit Screech and the gang for a revenge plot that involves more non-hilarious costumes.

The next day, Screech comes in to introduce the gang to their new teacher, Miss Rumplemeier. vlcsnap-2015-02-23-15h41m49s22

Good lord, never have I seen something so hideous as Dennis Haskins in drag. That’s like wrong on so many levels. Of course, Screech is practically jizzing himself over this sight, which reinforces what I said earlier about him developing an unhealthy attachment to Mr. Belding. vlcsnap-2015-02-23-15h44m12s174

So this genius revenge plot is for Miss Rumplemeier to ask impossible questions the rest of the gang already know but then to ask Ryan a ridiculous question that he couldn’t possibly answer, like the first name of a captain on a theoretical plane. Yeah, it’s as stupid as it sounds. Maria mentions torture and when Ryan parrots her remark, Miss Rumplemeier uses it as an excuse to send Ryan to the principal’s office during lunch.

vlcsnap-2015-02-23-17h08m06s4

In Mr. Belding’s office, Screech tries to pull off Mr. Belding’s eye lashes because nonsensical pain is automatically funny. vlcsnap-2015-02-23-15h45m22s101

Ryan comes in and says Miss Rumplemeier is psychotic, which shouldn’t surprise him given Bayside’s track record with faculty members. Also, Mr. Belding’s blonde wig magically disappeared. Mr. Belding reveals that he is Miss Rumplemeier and that the gang were in on it. Ryan takes the news that he’s the center of one of the stupidest revenge schemes ever pretty well, and Mr. Belding tells him that he’ll serve detention and take a make-up test, despite the fact that none of the other students took the test either.

Ryan apologizes for his actions but comes up with an idea to save the float.vlcsnap-2015-02-23-15h47m07s116

His idea is to paint the float in Westwood colors and pretend it’s a symbol of Bayside murdering them in a football game that is apparently central to the Bayside-Westwood Sports Weekend. Nice to have that cleared up in the final minute of the episode. Also, Tommy D is a football player again, and his job is to stand completely still on the float, which shouldn’t be hard since all it will require is for him to turn off his little brain power.vlcsnap-2015-02-23-15h47m39s194And our episode ends with Lindsay forgiving Ryan and Ryan telling Lindsay he can’t take her out this weekend because he has to study for the make-up test. Isn’t it so wonderful that, in the Saved by the Bell universe it’s possible to be a complete jackass but for everything to go completely back to normal in the span of twenty minutes?

Saved by the Bell Season 4, Episode 2: “Student Teacher Week”

vlcsnap-2015-02-20-14h23m31s130

We open at a school assembly where Jessie has a throw away gag about a ventriloquist dummy dying that has absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the episode but which Zack Morris and Slater think is hilarious. Zack Morris and Slater, for some reason, announce that Slater, as star quarterback, is going to single-handed beat Valley Friday in the city championship because this episode will need some conflict in a minute. It’s nice that they just began their senior year last week and they’re already having a football championship. Finally, Mr. Belding announces that he has picked students to become teachers for Student Teacher Week based on essays the students wrote. Most of the names don’t matter because they’re not in the opening credits, but the ones we’re supposed to care about are Screech and Lisa as gym teachers and Kelly as a history teacher.

Since Zack Morris smarted off in his essay about how Mr. Belding never does anything as principal, he gets to be principal for the week because nothing can possibly go wrong with Zack Morris in charge!
vlcsnap-2015-02-20-14h27m02s204

At The Max, Screech has delusions that he is going to be a good gym teacher. Kelly says she wants to see if she’d make a good teacher since it’s becoming increasingly evident that housewife job she aspires to may not work out. And Zack Morris, of course, wants to abuse his position to look at naked women in the locker room.vlcsnap-2015-02-20-14h27m26s184

The next day before history class, Slater goes over plays with some other football players. It’s nice to see that they let Scud, the smoking punk from “No Hope With Dope”, on the football team. It will be good for him to be a part of a team sport. Wait…that’s not Scud you say? That’s Ox? Well, he is a lot dumber than Scud. Maybe Scud got hit on the head and he’s now Ox? I think Ox may be the template for Tommy D’s idiocy later. vlcsnap-2015-02-20-14h28m26s23

Kelly comes in to teach class and it’s clear right away that the students think she’s going to act like any other student with this sort of authority would: by abusing it. She tells them to shut the fuck up and get ready to cover both World Wars in one day. Man, that must be some crash history course. There’s a test tomorrow, which upsets Slater and the football players since they want to practice, but Kelly says she’s following the regular teacher’s lesson plans, so wouldn’t they know about the test well in advance?vlcsnap-2015-02-20-14h30m03s225

Zack Morris, meanwhile, uses his authority as principal to ask out a couple really dumb and clueless girls. Boy, this school is going to have so many law suits by the end of the week!vlcsnap-2015-02-20-14h31m29s66

Mr. Belding, meanwhile, plays Zack Morris and the real Zack Morris tells him he has detention for being out of class without a hall pass. This is the part that doesn’t make any sense. I get the whole student teacher exchange thing. But shouldn’t the real teachers be supervising them to ensure they don’t do anything like abuse their authority or burn the school down? That’s liability waiting to happen!

Slater comes in and convinces Zack Morris to get Kelly to cancel her test. He’s all, “Sure because I’m predictably irresponsible!”vlcsnap-2015-02-20-14h32m58s181

Kelly comes in and Zack Morris convinces her to go along with his “no test” policy. Kelly suddenly forgets everything she knows about Zack Morris and believes that he’s really doing it because he cares about the students and doesn’t want to see them stressed out. Boy, Kelly, I have some oceanfront property in Arizona for you if you buy that one.vlcsnap-2015-02-20-14h33m42s101 In gym, Screcch is predictably condescending to a bunch of nerds. Funny thing is that every single one of them looks more athletic than Screech.

Kelly comes in and tells Slater and Ox there won’t be a test tomorrow. Slater lets out that he convinced Zack Morris to cancel the test so she’s all, “Oh yeah! Well, you’re taking it anyway!”vlcsnap-2015-02-20-14h36m12s75

In history class, none of the football players show up for Kelly’s test. The rest of the class bails when they realize the football players aren’t coming. Kelly feels like a failure and commiserates with Mr. Belding, who’s busy skipping detention. Mr. Belding tells Kelly that part of being a teacher is remaining in control of her class so, yes, she is a failure with a capital “F.” Uh, what should she do: tie them up and force them to take the test or watch episodes of The New Class as punishment?
vlcsnap-2015-02-20-14h37m29s46

In the principal’s office, Slater and Kelly come in fighting over the test. Zack Morris takes Slater’s side, saying Kelly violated the no test policy. Kelly’s all, “You’re all a bunch of dumb fucks and are acting exactly like anyone would expect you to act by not taking this seriously!” Zack Morris uses the old defense of “Come on!” and Kelly is like, “I guess you’re the stupid, immature asshole I should have always thought you were!” She leaves, telling Zack Morris to do the right thing.
vlcsnap-2015-02-20-14h39m18s143

Zack Morris calls Mr. Belding to the office and tells him he’s quitting because he doesn’t want to have to choose between friends. Mr. Belding is all, “Being principal isn’t about friends. It’s about doing what’s right, which is why Screech is so incompetent he should never be my administrative assistant!” Mr. Belding tells Zack Morris he can’t quit until he’s learned responsibility because he’s determined not to end this charade until Zack Morris’s blood is spilled on the carpet.
vlcsnap-2015-02-20-14h40m19s231

The pep rally which is, of course, being held at The Max, features the cheerleaders doing one of their usual lame cheers. Also, after a two season absence, I guess Jessie is now a cheerleader again.
vlcsnap-2015-02-20-14h41m33s207

Zack Morris comes in and tells them he’s suspending Slater and the rest of the football players who cut the test. The rest of the class get no consequences because they don’t matter to the plot.

Back at Bayside, Kelly tells Zack Morris she admires him for doing the right thing. He tells her that the football players want to start an insurrection and he’s now the most hated person in the school. I’m pretty sure Screech is still more hated.vlcsnap-2015-02-20-14h42m28s245

Slater and the football players come in with a lynch mob ready to murder Zack Morris. See, this is exactly why there needs to be adult supervision of this shit! Ox and Bull, another football player, threaten to break Zack Morris’s neck but he just threatens to call their moms and that’s that since all thugs are easily calmed down through threat of calling their parents.

Slater tells Zack Morris that he turned on them and Zack Morris is all, “No, you’re all idiots even though I’m just as much of an idiot because I initially went along with your stupid plan! You took advantage of Kelly just like I did and you weren’t a good friend, just like I wasn’t!” Slater tells the mob Zack Morris is right. He apologizes to Kelly and this is enough to disperse the mob. Man, this is an easily influenced mob!
vlcsnap-2015-02-20-14h43m37s167

Zack Morris and Slater make up and Kelly says she wishes she could have given her first test because that would be so super awesome! Zack Morris comes up with a plan: have the football players take the make-up test during the first half of the game.
vlcsnap-2015-02-20-14h44m10s235

And so, they do it as Screech comes in randomly to spout random factoids about the Worlds Wars. Kelly threatens to murder him if he doesn’t stay the fuck, which I believe means every single member of the gang has now threatened to murder him.
vlcsnap-2015-02-20-14h45m11s83

The football players all pass the test despite Ox being dumber than a box of rocks and they go to play the game. Zack Morris monologues about how the game went.vlcsnap-2015-02-20-14h45m57s31

We get some horribly shot stock footage that’s supposed to be Slater making touchdowns. Bayside comes back from a twenty-one point deficit to win the game 28-21 because the moral of this episode is that, even if you do horrible things, you’ll still win in the end.vlcsnap-2015-02-20-14h46m18s247And our episode ends with Zack Morris smug that he managed to pull off a week as principal, and may we never have to hear the name “Zack Morris” associated with the title “Principal” again. Unfortunately, there are worse people on this show to be principal, as we’ll see later in The New Class.

Firsts: Ox.

The New Class Season 3, Episode 10: “Hollywood, Here He Is”

vlcsnap-2015-02-21-20h21m43s14

 

We open in the hallway, where Mr. Belding and Screech randomly tell the gang that Bayside’s formally getting its own television show on the “High School TV Network,” because there’s totally a cable news network that does nothing but air high school programs all over the country. Since the gang are the only cast members the show wants to pay most of the time, they, of course, get to run the school’s news magazine program, and, with Screech as faculty adviser, nothing could possibly go wrong! R.J.’s super excited because this means he may actually get an episode that revolves around him.

We cut directly to the show, where Screech is doing his best to act like he’s freaking out. That is, it would be freaking out if Dustin Diamond knew what freaking out looked like.

So Ryan’s the anchor for “Bayside Live” and it starts off almost immediately disastrous as Ryan and Rachel both want to talk first.vlcsnap-2015-02-21-20h23m36s133

Yeah, this week the writers remember that they were originally going for a Lisa rip-off with Rachel and have her doing a gossip segment about kids no one else in the country will care about.vlcsnap-2015-02-21-20h24m01s120

Tommy D does a “Household Hint of the Week” segment where he gives tips for around the house. He shows the audience how to change a fuse, shutting off the lights where he is but, for some reason not shutting off the lights and power to the gym where the newscast goes on. Oh, Tommy D, you’re such a moron!
vlcsnap-2015-02-21-20h25m07s22

Next is R.J., who’s so full of himself that he interviews himself and then proceeds to dance on camera so the opening credits can have a good clip for him.
vlcsnap-2015-02-21-20h25m33s9

Lindsay and Maria do an exercise segment where Lindsay’s jumping on a trampoline. The camera goes off Lindsay and focuses on Maria as Maria goes psycho and tells Lindsay to jump higher and higher until she supposedly bumps her head on the ceiling. The problem with this scenario is two-fold: one, do they really expect us to buy that Lindsay jumped high enough on a trampoline to hit her head on the ceiling? Two, you can see Lindsay’s shadow on the wall in the background. It’s very obvious that, once the camera goes off her, she just gets off the trampoline. Did no one see this in post-production? Would proper lighting have cost them too much money?

They end the broadcast and Mr. Belding comes in shocked that putting a bunch of teenagers on national television without any experience, training, or competent supervision turned into such a disaster. He tells them he’s giving them one more chance to produce quality television at least as compelling as TNBC or he’s pulling the plug on the show.
vlcsnap-2015-02-21-20h26m32s94

At The Max, the gang are bummed that the day long dream they’ve had of running their own television show may be coming to an abrupt end. The gang head to school sans R.J. and conveniently leave him by himself.vlcsnap-2015-02-21-20h27m29s159

Enter Gavin Malone of the Malone Talent Agency who says he caught R.J.’s dancing on TV and wants to make him a big star because legit talent agents always track down dancing teenagers and follow them to retro themed restaurants once visited by Casey Kasem. Gavin says he wants to make R.J. a big star and we cut to commercial with R.J. practically peeing himself because he thinks he’s had his big break.

Back at Bayside, Ryan suggests they copy a successful show from television. Rachel suggests they do a show like “Tough Copy.” Um, you just referenced two real shows: The Flintstones and Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous. Why couldn’t you just say the show you’re actually referencing: Hard Copy. Oh, that’s why: Lindsay says they make up half their news stories. Isn’t that cute: The New Class didn’t want to get sued! But this does give Ryan the idea that they can just make up all their news as well!

R.J. comes in and tells the rest of the gang he’s been signed by a talent agent and can’t work with all these plebeians anymore. He rushes off to “do lunch.”

So we cut to the new “Bayside Live.”vlcsnap-2015-02-21-20h29m39s169

Rachel’s reporting from the chemistry lab where the school is supposedly on fire. Tommy D comes in and saves the day. There’s the problem with this story right there. Does anyone actually believe Tommy D would be smart enough to stop a fire?vlcsnap-2015-02-21-20h30m45s72

Maria does an expose on the school lunch after spray painting a steak green. Obvious forgery is obvious.vlcsnap-2015-02-21-20h31m22s172

At The Max, Lindsay covers the “jock-nerd peace treaty.” Yeah, the minute they’re off the air, Milton gets a wedgie because he’s supposedly smart but still in school well into his twenties.

Mr. Belding loves the new show and doesn’t bother to fact check any of these ridiculous news stories and even believes Tommy D is a hero. Wow, the idiocy of it all…

 

At The Max, Gavin tells R.J. that the sky’s the limit for his talent but he’s taking a risk because R.J.’s the first teenage client he’s ever taken on. As a result, Gavin needs a check for $500 to cover his basic expenses. R.J. gives it up like a sheep because obvious scam isn’t obvious when you’re full of yourself and want to be a big star.

Gavin leaves as the rest of the gang come in, who become suspicious when they find out not only has Gavin not gotten any work for R.J. yet but he’s asked for money in advance. Maria is especially distrustful so R.J. suggests she come to his photo session with Gavin and see how on the up and up Gavin is.
vlcsnap-2015-02-21-20h34m27s218

So let’s go to the photo session where Gavin is the photographer! Yeah, R.J.’s an idiot if he can’t see through this lunacy. 
vlcsnap-2015-02-21-20h34m36s75

R.J.’s also a pirate, though! He’s a horrible impersonation of Jack Sparrow, though. Meanwhile, Gavin refuses to answer even the most basic questions to Maria and becomes very defensive when she tries to look at some files on his desk. Also, the show can’t seem to decide if his name is Gavin Malone or Gavin Maloy. It’s like Leslie Eberhard just doesn’t care and is biding his time until Fraiser.

After playing a really bad cowboy, Gavin and R.J. go to develop the film and R.J. gives Gavin another $100 for the photo developing fee because I’m sure that’s how much reputable developers charge.
vlcsnap-2015-02-21-20h35m59s123

Maria sneaks back in and looks through the files. Her face either says she’s discovered something, or that rapscallious rabbit just got caught trying to steal the gang’s Trix again.vlcsnap-2015-02-21-20h36m09s240

Back at Bayside, Mr. Belding and Screech watch as the gang devote an entire program to a supposed earthquake. They hide under their desk at the report gets more and more ridiculous.
vlcsnap-2015-02-21-20h36m57s187

Yeah, I’m sure Richter scales conveniently spell out “The Big One” for everyone to read. Yeah, stupidest news story ever. Tabloids get away with sensational news stories because they stretch their stories just enough so that no one can call them liars outright. In this case, millions of people in L.A. can call the gang dirty fucking assholes.

But, yeah, it actually takes a minute before Mr. Belding and Screech realize it’s a fake news story. The non-shaking wasn’t an immediate clue. Mr. Belding rushes in, takes them off the air, and tells them the show’s cancelled.

At The Max, the gang are bummed that fake news stories can get a news story cancelled. After all, Brian Williams lied on the news and just got a suspension! Maria comes in and tells R.J. she found photos in Gavin’s office that prove R.J. isn’t Gavin’s only teenage client. They deduce the fact he’s ripping everyone off and Tommy D says someone needs to teach that guy a lesson. Ryan suddenly sees a way to wrap both of this episode’s plots up with one stone.

The gang convince Screech to let them film the program one more time and Screech, quite literally, agrees as long as he can wear a ridiculous costume. Yeah, he actually says this. I’m not making it up. It’s like the show is becoming self-aware. R.J. calls Gavin and tells him another agent wants to sign him.

Gavin rushes over to Bayside and meets R.J.’s new agent…vlcsnap-2015-02-21-20h40m21s195

Oh god. This is the laziest costume ever! Screech is dressed as a pimp on Miami Vice. They come in as Screech watches Tommy D balance plates on sticks. They pay Screech $1,000 to represent Tommy D.vlcsnap-2015-02-21-20h41m04s115

As Tommy D leaves, R.J. introduces Gavin to his new agent, “Hal Wood,” which, I hear, is a great brand of chair. Gavin asks R.J. to wait outside and then tells Screech he knows Screech is a crook because he is as well. This is enough of an admission and the gang reveal Gavin’s on television. Gavin slinks off as Mr. Belding comes in, praising the show and saying it’s back on the air despite the fact they randomly put a show on the air after he cancelled it.
vlcsnap-2015-02-21-20h42m58s231And our episode ends with the gang super stoked about the new television show they’ll no doubt soon forgets exists.

Saved by the Bell Season 4, Episode 1: “The Fight”

vlcsnap-2015-02-19-20h55m17s191

We open the season on the first day of the gang’s senior year, where Zack Morris and Slater are being huge assholes to this freshman who looks nothing like a freshman. In fact, he looks older than both of them! I’ve been complaining for three seasons that the producers of this show have no idea what a teenager looks like. Nice to see some things don’t change. They extort money out of the freshman by telling him he has to buy a pass from one of them to use the restroom on the roof and, since no one in the Saved by the Bell universe has any common sense, he believes them and buys it.

The girls join them and they all commiserate on how awesome it is to be a senior because…SENIOR! WOOF! WOOF! WOOF!  Also, they’re super stoked about the never before mentioned annual “Senior Kickoff Party.” It’s a party that’s unchaperoned so I assume there will be lots of finger banging going on.

vlcsnap-2015-02-19-20h56m34s196And, in case you ever wanted to see something absolutely ridiculous, Mr. Belding comes down wearing the worst wig and sports coat you’ve ever seen in your life. He says he had to change his appearance to keep his hoe, so he naturally picked a new style that would be most likely to repulse her.
vlcsnap-2015-02-19-20h58m24s3

The rest of the gang rush to class as the bell rings and Zack Morris meets his new locker neighbor. This may be the single most perverted screenshot I’ve ever had from this show. Oh, Zack Morris. Her eyes aren’t down there! vlcsnap-2015-02-19-20h58m34s117

He turns on the ‘ole Zack Morris charm and she doesn’t immediately run away in horror so I assume that means he has a chance. Turns out she’s a new student and that’s about all we find out as we cut to the next scene.vlcsnap-2015-02-19-20h59m08s198

Oh, the wackiness, as Slater meets the same girl and it’s apparent he likes her, too. Didn’t they already do this plot…for like most of season one? This time, we find out her name is Joanna and she moved there from Idaho in order to be a convenient plot point. Mr. Belding announces for new students to report to the auditorium for orientation so Joanna leaves.vlcsnap-2015-02-19-20h59m46s69 Since she leaves, she doesn’t yet get to meet the latest addition to Bayside’s psychotic faculty, Mr. Breskin. He decides that the first day of school is a great time to give a test because he must be another of those teachers who thrives on seeing his students fail. Sounds like, by season four, they were recycling ideas.vlcsnap-2015-02-19-21h00m48s178

After class, Lisa meets her newest potential serial monogamy fulfillment in Darren, who conveniently borrowed Zack Morris’s sweater from “The Aftermath.” Lisa asks Darren to the Senior Kickoff Party and he accepts on condition she’ll go to the movies with him on Wednesday and let him get to second base.

Zack Morris and Slater, in comedy cliche #568, come around the corner, each bragging about Joanna without saying her name so that neither realize they’re talking about the same girl. Oh, the buildup to obvious conclusion!

At The Max, the gang get super pissed that two freshmen are occupying their booth because freshmen aren’t allowed by law to occupy that booth unless it’s the gang back in season one. Yeah, this makes no sense and it’s really only around to provide more “freshmen are stupid” fodder for the episode.

Darren comes in and joins the freshmen. Wouldn’t you know it: the gang find out Darren’s a freshman! Oh, the shock and horror! A senior dating a freshman! That never happens except all the time! Really, I know this senior snobbery existed but some of my best friends in high school were younger than me. The gang’s attitude in this episode towards freshman is just plain stupid!vlcsnap-2015-02-19-21h03m49s201

Joanna comes in, revealing to Zack Morris and Slater that they both like the same girl…again. They immediately go into super macho masculine mode, each in an effort to make her their property once and for all. They ask her to the senior kickoff party, quite literally both at the same time, and then act as creepy as possible around her.vlcsnap-2015-02-19-21h04m38s170

Back at Bayside, Zack Morris and Slater decide to stick as close to Joanna as possible in the hopes that she’ll become one of their property. They try to help her cheat on another of Mr. Breskin’s ridiculous tests but their efforts are rewarded with…extra homework? I don’t understand how this class works. heat on a test, get more work?

After the bell rings, Jessie and Kelly try to tell Lisa about Darren’s chronic freshmanism, but he comes to walk her to her next class so they allow the plague to continue. Zack Morris invites Joanna to his house for a study date, and Slater ups the ante by inviting her to a movie.vlcsnap-2015-02-19-21h07m04s92

In the locker room, Lisa comes to tell Jessie and Kelly all about how some schmuck of a senior is dating a lowly freshman and how it’s social suicide because…plot. Jessie and Kelly finally give her the news about Darren, and she reacts about as would be expected on this show: by freaking the fuck out over the possibility she may be dating someone a couple years younger than her. Gee, if only all the creepy older men in this franchise who like high school girls thought the same thing.vlcsnap-2015-02-19-21h07m41s208

On their study date, Zack Morris and Joanna quite literally put their heads together because….Zack Morris’s head must be an erogenous zone? vlcsnap-2015-02-19-21h08m29s162

But, uh oh, Slater comes in with a leaf blower to vacuum the carpet. Yeah, I wonder if the writers realize this isn’t what a vacuum looks like. Anyway, the leaf blower somehow sucks up Zack Morris’s homework and then manages to get Joanna to invite him to stay because she seems to have no fucking clue that two men are vying for her as property. Besides, if they keep up this fighting, they’ll wake Laura and Frank, who are, no doubt, locked in the basement.

The next day, at the movies, Slater and Joanna run into Darren, who’s been stood up by Lisa.vlcsnap-2015-02-19-21h10m16s221

The most horrifying usher to have during a horror movie randomly shines his flashlight in Slater’s face. Turns out Screech is part of a master scheme by Zack Morris to interfere with Slater and Joanna’s date.vlcsnap-2015-02-19-21h10m58s124

See, Zack Morris hired a random Latino woman to pose as Slater’s mother dressed as June Cleaver. I wonder how Zack Morris knows so many out of work actors willing to scam high school students? I guess at least he didn’t hire James the Actor to dress up as a woman. But, yeah, Joanna becomes convinced that Slater’s just ashamed of his mother, especially when Screech comes back and calls her “Mrs. Slater.”

The next day at school, Zack Morris and Slater are all…

vlcsnap-2015-02-19-21h13m08s152 They break out in full fight in the middle of the hallway. The girls yell at them to stop and it takes a principal in a bad wig to break up the fight. Doesn’t it always?vlcsnap-2015-02-19-21h13m28s98

In Mr. Belding’s office, Mr. Belding quickly figures out a girl is involved with this stupid plot and tells Zack Morris and Slater about how a girl wrecked one of his friendships. They’re both like, “Will you shut the fuck up and take off that ridiculous getup?!?!” He gets them to apologize and shake hands and, despite it being the most half-hearted attempt I’ve ever seen, agrees not to suspend them as long as hey get along. Yeah, guess schools didn’t have no tolerance for fights policies in the ’90s, even though they totally did.vlcsnap-2015-02-19-21h14m48s128

Meanwhile, Darren confronts Lisa about standing him up. She’s all, “But you’re a freshman.” He’s like, “You’re a shallow self-centered twat. Fuck off!” and walks off.vlcsnap-2015-02-19-21h15m46s196

Joanna tells both Zack Morris and Slater to fuck off because she’s neither of their property since she’ll never be on the show again. She storms off, leaving both the idiots convinced the other ruined their chance with her.vlcsnap-2015-02-19-21h16m14s226

At the senior kickoff party…of course it’s at The Max! Where else would a Bayside party be held? It’s not like The Max has anything to do but cater to the every whim of Bayside students! Anyway, Lisa comes in with Darren because she realizes freshmanitis isn’t contagious and she’s all, “Fuck all those haters!”

The girls and Screech are initially unsure whether Zack Morris and Slater will show up.vlcsnap-2015-02-19-21h17m21s91

But they do show up and Slater makes it clear he doesn’t want anything to do with someone who’s as immature as himself. Meanwhile, Mr. Belding randomly shows up because he’s needed for the plot.vlcsnap-2015-02-19-21h18m22s221

Zack Morris and Slater both go for punch at the same time and, rather than punch each other again, they proceed to pour punch down each others’ shirts and pants and shit. A fight is about to break out again when Mr. Belding steps in.vlcsnap-2015-02-19-21h18m50s233While trying to stop the fight, Mr. Belding’s bad wig falls in the punch. This makes Zack Morris and Slater start laughing. Mr. Belding leaves without his wig. He says he now knows he looked like a jack ass in it. Strange thing is he just leaves it in the punch. He doesn’t try to retrieve it. I sure hope nobody else wanted punch at this party!

vlcsnap-2015-02-19-21h19m27s106

Laughter really must be a panacea because suddenly everything is okay and they each apologize and forgive the other because we’re running out of time in this episode.And our episode ends with Zack Morris and Slater vowing to be best friends forever!

Is it just me or was most of this plot ripped off from a Good Morning, Miss Bliss episode?

Firsts: Mr. Breskin, senior year.

Saved by the Bell Season 3 Recap

 

If Saved by the Bell matured during season two, then season three was its coming of age. It was during this season that many of the most recognizable episodes of the series aired. Even the theme song and opening are now the more recognized versions, being familiar to many viewers from syndicated episodes. Unfortunately, for this franchise, that doesn’t mean it was all unicorns and gumdrops and Emmys. No, there are plenty of bad episodes this season, so many it’s going to be hard to narrow them down to just three, but they’re still widely remembered.

By season three, mainstream audiences were watching Saved by the Bell and firmly placing it on the road to become the cult classic it is today. The little show that could no longer had to prove itself and wouldn’t face another threat of cancellation until its natural conclusion at the end of season four. This meant that the writers really had free reign to try new and wild ideas without worry that it might get them cancelled. Some of these experiments turned out wonderfully and some turned out terribly, but they were all a big step for Saved by the Bell.

vlcsnap-2014-09-26-10h08m42s94

Of note during this season is how much of it was spent outside Bayside. This was a ballsy move to feature so many episodes away from the setting that made this show so popular, and it could well have gone down in disaster as evidenced by how horribly The New Class pulled off the same thing. The Malibu Sands episodes especially were actually pretty good over all, and allowed us to see the six characters we’ve come to know over the last few years interact in a different setting. If not for the success of these episodes, I doubt NBC would have green lit the two movies. They proved these characters were strong enough to exist outside Bayside.

vlcsnap-2014-09-05-16h52m06s75

Of course, this meant less Mr. Belding. They did the sensible thing and didn’t feature our beloved principal in any episodes set outside the school. Seems that sort of thing is a tad unrealistic, even for this show, and The New Class certainly could have learned from their example and not shoehorn in plots for Mr. Belding every episode. Unfortunately, this means Mr. Belding is the most under-developed character of the season by far. After having both high and low episodes in season two, we don’t get to see him do much more this year and he’s back to being the foil that he was in both Good Morning, Miss Bliss and season one.

Let’s look at the other characters.

vlcsnap-2014-10-24-13h19m21s103

Zack Morris starts out the season being dumped by Kelly and this frees him up for many of the plots later in the season, most notably the Malibu Sands episodes. What’s interesting is he seems to be in the wrong so much less this season, although the other characters seem to insist on making him the bad guy, even when he’s not. Take his being pissed off at Kelly in “The Aftermath:” he did nothing wrong but everyone else makes him out to be an evil ass because the message we’re supposed to get is it’s okay for your girlfriend to cheat on you and you shouldn’t feel feelings lest they ruin birthday parties. It’s really pretty idiotic and I hate that this is what they seem intent on doing with his character. He still had his moments of genuine assholish behavior, such as when he stole Mr. Belding’s car and set up Lisa just to get revenge on Eric or when he didn’t want to date Wendy because she was overweight, but they’re fewer this season.

vlcsnap-2015-01-30-11h31m26s94

Kelly continues to be defined almost exclusively by the men in her life. Other than a supporting role in the “Home for Christmas” two-parter, I can’t think of a single plot that didn’t involve her and her love life. She started the season breaking up with Zack Morris, had her little subplot with Jeff, considered getting back with Zack Morris, considered dating Slater, dated Johnny Dakota, and even, creepily enough, had Rusty from Full House beating down her door. She tries to be the voice of reason at times this season but fails miserably because that’s not her character. She really could be replaced with a pretty lamp without affecting the plot of the show at all.

vlcsnap-2015-01-16-17h48m31s120

Slater spends much of the season wrapped around Jessie’s finger. His misogyny is toned down this season and, though he still says the minor sexist thing, he’s changed quite a bit. Unfortunately, this means he’s probably the blandest character of the season. Really, he doesn’t do a lot and gives off the impression he’s around for eye candy.

vlcsnap-2014-10-02-21h22m38s177

Lisa’s probably the most developed character of the season. After having spent most of season two not doing much at all, she comes back this season and gains some personality. Unfortunately for her, that means she’s now a serial monogamist, but she at least has some definable characteristics other than liking clothes. There’s still a good portion of the season when she doesn’t do much, like during most of the Malibu Sands episodes, but her presence this season is much improved.

vlcsnap-2014-12-19-20h40m27s227

Jessie is a complete and utter sociopath this season. Her quasi-feminism is at its most annoying as she tries to boss around everyone in site. Her hypocrisy is on show when she tries to ruin her dad’s wedding for no reason, or when she has sour grapes when she doesn’t get the highest SAT score. She’s the most inconsistent character of the series and you never know what Jessie you’re going to get. If she ever went to court, I could almost buy a defense of multiple personality. A disproportionate number of episodes revolved around Jessie this season, and four episodes were devoted to dealing with her dysfunctional family. None of them were particularly good and she was only saved from being the worst character this season because of the abomination that follows.

vlcsnap-2014-11-08-15h41m20s204

Screech continues to be the most annoying character in television history. He’s not funny. Ever word that comes out of his mouth is either annoying as hell or idiotic. He’s constantly annoying the other characters. At this point, I’m convinced the others are only keeping him around because he’s blackmailing them. No episodes really revolve around Screech this year other than “Check Your Mate,” which also featured the final appearance of Violet. In some interviews, Dennis Haskins claims Dustin Diamond is a comedy genius. If, by genius, you mean completely incompetent and not funny, I think he’s absolutely right.

vlcsnap-2014-09-12-16h08m17s184

Saved by the Bell also did something interesting this season by adding two new characters for the Malibu Sands episodes. Mr. Carosi is obviously meant to fill the void that existed without Mr. Belding around as Zack Morris’s foil, and he pulls it off beautifully. At times, he even does it better than Mr. Belding. It’s a shame they never did anything else with his character.

Ernie Sabella came to Saved by the Bell after a year as Larry and Balki’s boss on Perfect Strangers. Sabella has since had recurring roles on The PracticeThat’s So RavenProvidence, and Encore! Encore!, but the role that has perhaps defined him the most is as the voice of the warthog Pumbaa in The Lion King and its myriad of spin-offs and sequels. It’s kind of heartening looking at him knowing that the voice of Pumbaa comes from his mouth.

vlcsnap-2014-09-12-16h27m46s93

Of course, the more interesting character was Stacey, whose role became both an antagonist and love interest to Zack Morris. There were times she was idiotic, like not bothering to tell Zack Morris she had a boyfriend before she started dating him, but she successfully shook up the lineup of the gang in a way no other character has been able to. Her presence this season was, for the most part, a pleasant surprise. She might be the only girl other than Kelly whom Zack Morris seriously dates in this series.

Leah Remini went on to guest star in a shit ton of things before landing a role as Carrie Heffernan, the long-suffering wife to the lead idiot on King of Queens. She’s been successful as an actress and continues to land roles left and right, including starring in her own reality show last year for TLC.

vlcsnap-2015-01-16-17h49m18s37

I won’t be reviewing the special features for the DVDs this season since all they are is the cast talking mindlessly about the episodes, often not even talking about the episode in question. I turned on one during “Fake IDs” and it bored me to tears. On top of this, the cast they had on this episode were Dennis Haskins, Dustin Diamond, and Lark Voorhies, three actors who had almost nothing to do with this episode, and the result is just abominable. On top of this, they divided the season three episodes into two DVD releases: season three and season four. The episodes, as usual, are extremely out of order and I have no idea why Lionsgate thinks there were five seasons of this show. There weren’t. Make a DVD release that at least conforms to what’s easily accessible on IMDB.

Overall, this might be the most consistent season of Saved by the Bell and I feel comfortable saying that knowing what’s ahead next season. This is usually the season people fondly remember when they think of this show and that’s okay. This season is a part of lots of people’s nostalgia, and I respect that greatly. It’s what you’d expect from Saved by the Bell: goofy plots and unrealistic situations but all with heart and class.


My Picks:

As usual, I encourage you to agree or disagree with my picks in the comments section below.

Five Episodes I Loved:

1. “The Last Weekend” (Episode 12): A solid end to the Malibu Sands episodes. Despite the major plot hole that they never clearly indicated that Mr. Carosi didn’t know about Zack Morris and Stacey’s relationship, it really delivered. It actually captured the character development experienced during the arc.

2. “Mystery Weekend” (Episode 26): This is a weird episode, but weird in a good way! It’s almost like a send up to Scooby-Doo and I enjoyed it despite how unrealistic it was and how many holes were in the plot of the murder. It’s probably not an episode that could be successfully done again, but it was nice for a change of pace.

3. “The Game” (Episode 4): This is the episode that really brought Stacey into the fold of the gang as she helped them win the volleyball tournament. The antagonism developed between Zack Morris and Mr. Carosi was fitting as well, although it’s still a little creepy knowing Screech is out there luring little girls with promises of candy.

4. “All in the Mall” (Episode 16): This one is so ridiculous it’s funny. No, I don’t believe for a second gangsters would chase our gang through the mall or that a hidden video show would try to film them, but it’s just so stupid it’s hilarious. It also proves you should never put Screech in charge of anything important.

5. “Pipe Dreams” (Episode 11): Like when I picked “Jessie’s Song” for season two, please do not misinterpret this as me saying this is a good episode. It’s one of the more preachy episodes of the season, but the way the writers try to manipulate our emotions with Becky’s death is so ridiculous it’s hilarious. In any other show, this would be an offensive episode. On Saved by the Bell, it’s humorous in ways it never intended to be. BECKY!

Three Episodes I Hated:

1. “Rockumentary” (Episode 22): This may be one of the worst episodes of this series. It’s a twenty-three minute dream sequence, and a boring one at that. That’s about all you really need to know. It doesn’t even have a moral in the end, other than don’t piss on your friends when you all become famous musicians. It’s just Zack Morris pontificating on how awesome it would be to become a famous rock musician. Bull shit.

2. ‘The Aftermath” (Episode 3): Zack Morris and Kelly’s break-up is handled so piss poor. Not only did she cheat on him but everyone makes him out to be the bad guy when he dares to have emotions about it. The moral is hold your emotions inside because all they’ll really do is piss your friends off and ruin birthday parties.

3. “No Hope with Dope” (episode 21): In typical ’90s drug propaganda style, there’s no difference between doing marijuana, cocaine, or fucking caffeine pills, at least in the stupid world these characters exist in. All drugs are equally bad without exception, mmmkay? I can’t even say this one is untentionally amusing like “Jessie’s Song” or “Pipe Dreams.” It’s just a preachy PSA, and a horribly done one at that.

The New Class Season 3, Episode 9: “Boundaries”

I’ve thought long and hard about how I’m going to deal with this episode. I know this is an extremely sensitive topic and let me make it clear at the outset: sexual assault is never okay. If you have sexually assaulted another human being, you are an immoral piece of shit because you take away dignity and right to self-determination from that person, and it takes years of therapy to heal, if the victim ever does heal. I have no sympathy for perpetrators of sexual violence.

With that said, it’s not like we can expect the writers of The New Class to handle a topic of such delicance and sensitivity well…vlcsnap-2015-02-16-17h09m34s176

It’s the ’70s again in an episode of The New Class, which must mean we’re back at Cal U! Man, these episodes are some of the worst out of order I’ve ever seen!vlcsnap-2015-02-16-17h09m48s44 We open with the gang goofing off rather than studying as Mr. Belding thinks they’re doing. Imagine that Mr. Belding thought a bunch of teenagers in San Francisco would study rather than enjoy their time away from school. He’s even more out of touch than we thought.vlcsnap-2015-02-16-17h10m35s9

Mr. Belding and Screech come in and tell the gang they’ve been invited to tea with the dean of admissions, which Mr. Belding considers “fun.” Mr. Belding hopes that, the better impression Cal U has of Bayside, the better chance their students have of being admitted. This is especially important since Screech was a part of the last batch of Bayside students to attend Cal U and has, no doubt, given the school the impression that all Bayside students are complete morons.

After Mr. Belding and Screech leave, the gang commiserate over how they want to get invited to the “big Kappa Zeta party” since going to frat parties worked out so well for them in the last Cal U episode. Ironically, Kappa Zeta, in real life, is a sorority, proving once again the writers of The New Class suck at basic research skills. Ryan tells them not to worry because he’s sure he’ll come up with an unrealistic plan to get them into the party.
vlcsnap-2015-02-16-17h11m42s176

After the boys leave, Rachel tells Lindsay and Maria that her neighbor, Craig, goes to school at Cal U and, since he knows how into older men she is, that she should call him if she was ever in town. It’s a good thing she didn’t call him when she first got to Cal U or there might not be much time for this episode and the writers may have actually seemed like they had some common sense! It’s also a good thing that she’s stalky enough she remembers his number at Cal U by heart. Rachel finally calls Craig, and he tells her to meet him at the student union in a half hour.

At the student union, Ryan, Tommy D, and R.J. pretend to have already been invited to the party to a couple of frat guys in an effort…to actually get invited. Makes a lot of sense! Like most things he touches, Screech ruins their efforts when he comes in and says it’s so great the college students are showing hospitality to the high school students.vlcsnap-2015-02-16-17h13m51s185

Meanwhile, Screech is attacked from behind by a woman named Mabel who works at the student union and is inexplicably in love with him despite being way older than he is. Notice how she touches his firm man bosoms in an effort to stimulate him erotically. vlcsnap-2015-02-16-17h14m09s106

Creepily enough, she also has a “Days Since Screech Left” chalkboard. For the record, I will not be keeping one of these once I’m done reviewing The New Class as it would only cement in my mind how much pure and unadulterated crap I’ve watch for this blog. For the record, if Mabel’s days are correct, Screech has only been gone around 535 days, which doesn’t seem near enough time for all the events in the second season to have taken place. Also, as with most of the things in this episode, it’s a good thing Mabel didn’t see Screech in the first Cal U episode or they wouldn’t have the opportunity to talk about it now!

Screech is repulsed by the advances of Mabel and, rather than realizing this must be how most people feel about him, he runs away to hide.vlcsnap-2015-02-16-17h14m58s96

The girls meet Craig, a walking, talking Ken doll, at the student union. He offers to take Rachel for a walk, but she says she needs to meet the dean so he agrees to pick her up at the dean’s office afterwards.vlcsnap-2015-02-16-17h15m53s125 Mr. Belding, Screech, and the gang meet Dean Eagleton in her office…vlcsnap-2015-02-16-17h17m04s80

And she turns out to be bat shit insane and obsessed with forcing her really bad poetry on others. Oh, what I would give for Brian’s bad poetry about Rachel right now. For some reason, Mr. Belding won’t allow Screech to use the restroom so we build up tension about whether we’re finally going to witness him pee his pants. We’re actually shown a clock that seems to imply she’s kept them there for four fucking hours.

They’re rescued by Craig, who picks up Rachel and allows Screech to escape to the restroom, but then leaves the rest of them to suffer through more of the insipid poetry.vlcsnap-2015-02-16-17h19m16s93

Later, Craig drops Rachel off at the dorm, and becomes enraged when he realizes he’s on the set of a show where French kissing is considered a home run. As a result, Rachel won’t kiss him and he runs out angry, telling her to grow up.vlcsnap-2015-02-16-17h20m09s127

The next day, Lindsay and Maria wonder if Rachel is overreacting the way they overreacted about Rachel and Ryan in the last episode. R.J. brings in flowers that Craig sent her to apologize and they decide it must be one huge misunderstanding because jackassery is automatically offset by flowers.

Ryan calls the girls into the common room, where he tells the gang his new idea: if they can’t go to the party, bring the party to them! He intends on getting everyone who would have gone to the frat party to come to a party in the dorm instead. This means posting a notice that Dean Eagleton is coming to the frat party to read her poetry. Of course, they buy it without any question and decide to come to Ryan’s party instead.

We also have some lameness from Screech trying to sneak around Mabel. After Screech runs out, Ryan tells Mabel the best way to win Screech’s heart is to allow herself to be manipulated by Ryan and cater their party.

Craig comes in and asks Rachel to go to the campus comedy club. Lindsay and Maria encourage her to go so she says yes.

After the show, Craig takes Rachel to an empty classroom so he can show her a telescope. And, now, here comes our featured presentation.
vlcsnap-2015-02-16-17h24m41s27

Craig tries to forcibly kiss Rachel and won’t let go of her arm. She gets loose and runs away.

Okay, I’m so torn on what to say about this. Yes, forcibly kissing is sexual assault in the eyes of the law. Yes, it’s wrong if this actually happens. But I think I have two objections to Craig as a sexual deviant. First, considering how fast the characters on this show move to kissing, it’s completely out of character for Rachel to not want to kiss him. Second, I feel like The New Class is kind of wussing out on the sexual assault story line, as we’ll see.

Back at the dorm, it’s time to get ready for the party, and Ryan arranged for Dean Eagleton to invite Mr. Belding and Screech for another poetry reading. It’s never really explained how he does this but it’s a nice contrivance to advance the plot so yeah.vlcsnap-2015-02-16-17h26m09s146

Lindsay and Maria go to get Rachel and she shows them a bruise Craig caused when he grabbed her. Yeah, I don’t believe that came from simple grabbing. It looks like Craig punched her. I may be wrong, but I don’t believe the human body reacts that way to simple grabbing. Lindsay tells Rachel she needs to tell Mr. Belding but she’s all, “No, that would be inconvenient to the plot so let’s not!”

And cultural insensitivity in three, two, one…vlcsnap-2015-02-16-17h26m47s17

Oh my fucking god. Did they not learn anything from “Running Zack?” There are times I wonder if this show has any concept what it’s doing. On top of that, she’s rhyming about “Indians” and popcorn in the same stanza. I think I just died a little bit inside that people can be this stupid.

Mr. Belding and Screech find out Dean Eagleton is retiring at the end of the semester so they’re all, “Fuck, there’s no further use in us pursuing this subplot!” and get the hell out of there.

vlcsnap-2015-02-16-17h28m04s18

At the party, this guy has the hottest date of them all. You know, when there’s a female lead opening at the end of the season, maybe she should join the cast. She can’t be any worse than the leads who have graced this show already!

Mr. Belding and Screech arrive back to find the party. Ryan and Lindsay convince them that the college students insisted on throwing them a farewell party and, since Bayside students are so renowned for their honesty, they instantly believe them and let them continue with the party. So…was the whole Dean Eagleton subplot just completely unnecessary?vlcsnap-2015-02-16-17h29m23s41

Also, in an episode about sexual assault, Mabel sexually assaults Screech without any comment. Yes, besides her constant touching of Screech, she has now handcuffed herself to him. Jesus, the hypocrisy of this episode.vlcsnap-2015-02-16-17h30m31s206

Craig shows up at the party and Maria and Lindsay tell him to fuck off. He pretends nothing happened but the music conveniently goes silent long enough for all the extras to gather around as Rachel tells loudly what happened. Craig tries to deny it but one of the extras just happened to have been forcibly kissed by Craig as well, which makes Mr. Belding intervene and take Craig outside to…recommend some counseling…

Yes, two counts of sexual assault and Craig gets nothing but a recommendation for counseling. So, the moral here, kids, is that, if you sexually assault women, there are no real consequences whatsoever!

FUCKING SHIT, The New Class!!!!

I have to admit that the sexual assault story line isn’t handled as poorly as Lindsay’s anorexia from last season, but it’s still handled pretty piss poor. Also, they apparently didn’t have the guts to actually make this episode about rape, which is something far too many teenage girls (and boys) have to deal with. I’m astounded, The New Class. Just a few weeks ago, you got a very special episode so right, and this week you get another so wrong. The inconsistency of this season astounds me.vlcsnap-2015-02-16-17h31m39s124

The extras all immediately go back to partying since it’s not like anything important happened, and the gang tell Rachel they’re glad she’s okay and that it took a lot of guts to blurt out in a room full of strangers what Craig did. The girls hug and commiserate over their shared femininity..vlcsnap-2015-02-16-17h32m01s88And our episode ends with Screech doing the worst impression of a person passing out I’ve ever seen in my life as he realizes he’s going to be forcibly married to Mabel in the morning.

I…I don’t know guys. I know this isn’t the last very special episode of the season and legend has it this isn’t the worst one, either. If there’s a worse one, I don’t know how I can take it.

Saved by the Bell Season 3, Episode 26: “Mystery Weekend”

vlcsnap-2015-02-13-16h16m33s249 We open in a spooky Scooby-Doo style mansion where Screech immediately takes advantage of the situation to jump in Slater’s arms as he’s always wanted to under pretense of imitating Scooby.vlcsnap-2015-02-13-16h17m29s31

No, turns out they’re here for a murder mystery weekend that Lisa won on he radio. Yeah, really, that’s what we’re going with here. A bunch of teenagers alone in a mansion with creepy adults. Oh, well. Just another episode of Saved by the Bell.  We’re at Northwood Manor and our host is Steven Jameson III, who’s trying really hard to be British and failing miserably at it. His equally creepy butler is Bartholomew, who seems a bit too eager to meet Lisa.

Steven exposits that the person who solves the mystery will win the $500 prize, but suspect everyone and trust no one. Jeanette, the psuedo-French maid, flirts a bit with Victor, the piano player, while Zack Morris practically drools over her. Oh, come on now!  This woman’s way too old for you, Zack Morris! This underage shit on this show is getting ridiculous!

Steven shoos Jeanette away so Jessie can have a go at a guy way too old for her. vlcsnap-2015-02-13-16h20m08s102

Jeanette gets jealous and pours a drink in Jessie’s lap while Jessie gets her claws out ready for a showdown with this actress who really struggles to be French. Steven steps between them and gives Victor his drink, which Victor quietly sips, hoping the audience won’t notice.

vlcsnap-2015-02-13-16h20m39s145Steven lights a cigarette and the gang quickly come over to pass judgment on him for daring to smoke in his own mansion. Seriously, who just randomly starts lecturing a guy on the dangers of cigarette smoke? If you don’t like it, then leave! Ever since Johnny Dakota, these guys can get really self-righteous.
vlcsnap-2015-02-13-16h21m17s22

Victor grabs his throat and falls over dead, and if you were following what happened, then you know who did it already, but the show wants to pretend it’s a mystery.vlcsnap-2015-02-13-16h22m25s172

In the boy’s bedroom, Jeanette comes in and practically offers to give Zack Morris a blowjob. Bartholomew comes in and asks Jeanette why she’s after a high schooler. Jeanette is the town whore it seems and sleeping with everyone. Next you’ll tell me she even wants Screech.vlcsnap-2015-02-13-16h23m27s26

At dinner…oh, god. Why me? Why is it that, whenever the writers can’t think of something for Screech to do, they dress him up and tell him to do stupid shit? Yes, Screech thinks he’s Sherlock Holmes and just walks around saying random catch phrases. He’s also paranoid that everyone might be a potential victim and, along with the rest of the gang, I expressed extreme disappointment when he wasn’t poisoned by a glass of water he insisted on trying.
vlcsnap-2015-02-13-16h24m58s180

Zack Morris decides that Bartholomew killed Victor because he wanted Jeanette for himself.vlcsnap-2015-02-13-16h25m27s218

Unfortunately for Zack Morris, Bartholomew comes out at that moment. See, that’s what happens when someone stabs you in the back.vlcsnap-2015-02-13-16h25m52s208

It’s okay for Jeanette though. She goes for Inspector Piccadilly from “the yard,” who’s there to investigate the crime. Yeah, something tells me California is a bit outside the jurisdiction of Scotland Yard. Call me crazy but I don’t think he’s a real inspector.
vlcsnap-2015-02-13-16h26m47s235

Inspector Piccadilly quickly suspects Screech, who confesses to both murders for no apparent reason. Zack Morris intervenes and…NO! Let him confess to murder! Lock him up and throw away the key! Keep him from doing The New Class! Zack Morris, you’re our only hope!

vlcsnap-2015-02-13-16h27m35s216

Suddenly, the lights go out and, when they come back up, Inspector Piccadilly has been murdered by a roving pack of Native Americans. Most pointless character and stupidest death ever. Also, an old lady from the group reports that her necklace has been stolen.

Steven says that the theft isn’t part of the script. Lisa apparently saves Steven from being killed by an ax, which he also says wasn’t part of the script. Steven says he has no choice but to end the game and ask everyone to leave before someone gets hurt. Steven also tells Zack Morris and Lisa to stop by his office for a voucher.vlcsnap-2015-02-13-16h29m39s167

The gang pack their suitcases, but Zack Morris is taking forever and it takes longer when Lisa knocks his suitcase over. The rest of the gang leave, and Lisa offers to finish packing the suitcase while Zack Morris goes to get the vouchers. He also locks the door on the way out to prevent the murderer from getting in.

Zack Morris enters Steven’s office to find it ransacked. Steven says someone was looking for the prize money and gives Zack Morris an envelope. Suddenly, the lights go dark again and Steven screams. When the lights come back up, he’s gone. This is such a cliche. Why is it these old mansions have electrical systems capable of being subtly controlled to dramatic effect?
vlcsnap-2015-02-13-16h33m07s202

The gang, the staff, and the rest of the guests come in and find Zack Morris in the ransacked office. Jeanette says that Steven is so cheap he wouldn’t give free vouchers and, indeed, Zack Morris’s envelope is full of money. Jeanette calls the police and tells Screech to shut the fuck up for once.vlcsnap-2015-02-13-16h33m29s146 Jesus, they’re not even trying with these “cops.” Yeah, these are cops, and Screech is also funny. Worst female impersonation ever! If you haven’t guessed who the murderer is yet, please go check in with Captain Obvious so he can help you along. We do get to see the old woman with the missing necklace beat Zack Morris over the head with her purse, which is kind of amusing actually. Man, this show is getting progressively more violent the longer it’s on.

The “detectives” question Slater, Kelly, Jessie, and Screech about what kind of person Zack Morris is, and they tell the detectives all about Zack Morris’s brushes with immorality: stealing Mr. Belding’s car, making fake ID’s, kidnapping the Valley mascot, and apparently tying Screech to some roller coaster tracks in 1986. Man, that would have been awesome if the car came down while he was on the tracks. But why, if you believed your friend was in trouble, would you suddenly start referencing previous episodes of Saved by the Bell? Do they want Zack Morris out of the picture for season four?

Zack Morris remembers he has Lisa locked in his room, so they go to find her. They find the bedroom empty and the detectives assume Zack Morris did something to Lisa. They find the old woman’s necklace in Zack Morris’s suitcase and Lisa’s watch in his pocket. Zack Morris insists he’s being framed but everyone else starts believing he did it.

Zack Morris tries to figure out how Lisa got out of the room. Screech randomly turns a candelabra and a secret passage opens in the fireplace which leads back to Steven’s office.vlcsnap-2015-02-13-16h37m50s224

There they find a drink and a cigarette with lipstick on it. There’s also a suit that’s been hung up on the door. What no one seems to notice is that the room’s been cleaned up since last we saw it, which I’m pretty sure isn’t standard police procedure in any universe.

They gather everyone and Zack Morris solves the mystery. The killer stole the necklace and rigged the ax after Victor and Bartholomew were murdered because he knew they were close. vlcsnap-2015-02-13-16h39m06s204

The killer needed an accomplice to plant the necklace and the watch, and that was Lisa, who comes out from another secret passage in a fireplace. The drink in Steven’s office was Lisa’s, but there was another drink, also with lipstick on it. One of Steven’s cigarettes also had lipstick on it.vlcsnap-2015-02-13-16h39m59s225Big surprise. The world’s worst cross dressing cop is Steven. Steven had changed out of his suit and into the dress to play detective. There was a second accomplice since Steven couldn’t have killed the inspector and stolen the necklace at the same time, and the second accomplice is the other cop, who’s actually Bartholomew in disguise, which…makes absolutely no fucking sense. Bartholomew was supposed to be dead. I…really don’t get it. If someone can explain it to me, please do, but how could Bartholomew have been an accomplice after his death.

vlcsnap-2015-02-13-21h28m41s6

And our episode ends with Screech pulling Jeanette’s hair to see who she really is, because if there’s a high point we needed to go out on, it’s Screech abusing women.

What an odd little episode to end the season on. Really, I don’t know what to think about this one. It’s not quite like any episode we’ve seen before and I don’t know of any episode in season four to match it.


And that’s it for season three of Saved by the Bell. I’ll have a season recap this Wednesday, and join me next Friday as we delve into the often dark nether reaches of the final season of one of Saved by the Bell.

The New Class Season 3, Episode 8: “Acting Jealous”

vlcsnap-2015-02-14-09h39m51s166 What the hell, The New Class! Did Ryan and Lindsay just suddenly start dating in between episodes? I mean, it’s bad enough that wouldn’t surprise me, but what the hell? Did they really think we wouldn’t be confused about these episodes being out of order?

Anyway, yeah, they’ve been dating…a month. A fucking month. They’re being all cootsie wootsie about the whole think and making me want to throw up a little bit because they can’t stand to be apart for a second. This is to give the audience the best chance to lose their shit over this mushy stuff as possible.vlcsnap-2015-02-14-09h40m53s8

So let’s cut to Rachel and Maria in order to put things in perspective! Maria thinks they’re being fucking stupid but Rachel thinks it’s romantic and wishes she had a boyfriend like that instead of a fake Swiss guy who up and abandoned her in between seasons.vlcsnap-2015-02-14-09h41m14s242

Meanwhile, Screech wrote a play and Mr. Belding doesn’t think it sucks as so the logical thing to do is to just randomly put it on as a production at Bayside. Mr. Belding thinks it’s witty and shit. Yeah, we’ll see about that.vlcsnap-2015-02-14-09h41m49s70

So it’s time to skip directly to try outs, where R.J. does a musical number. Unfortunately, he’s an idiot and the play isn’t a musical.vlcsnap-2015-02-14-09h42m32s253

Next Maria gets fucking pissed because two nerds start talking during her audition. She tells them they better shut the fuck up before she sticks her foot up their ass.vlcsnap-2015-02-14-09h43m00s14

Tommy D’s real proud of himself for being able to move a chair and radio. Turns out he just wants to be the prop guy. Why is it the longer this season goes on, the more of a throwaway character Tommy D’s becoming? He’s not just an idiot anymore. His presence serves absolutely no purpose.
vlcsnap-2015-02-14-09h43m22s240 Rachel gives a performance that actually shows up Sarah Lancaster’s usual acting. It’s pretty bad when an actress playing a character playing an actress is more convincing than the actress herself.vlcsnap-2015-02-14-09h44m04s142

Ryan and Lindsay give their performance next, and Lindsay sucks ass, which should surprise no one who’s watched this show the last three seasons.

So the auditions are for Cinderella, which we only find out while the auditions are going on. I may be crazy, but I don’t think Screech wrote Cinderella. It’s just a hunch I have.

Mr. Belding and Screech announce the cast. Maria will be playing the Wicked Stepmother, which she’s super excited about since that means she gets to be a bitch with an excuse. R.J. sucks so he’ll be playing three random roles without any lines. Ryan, of course, will be playing the handsome young prince because the alternative would be either Tommy D or paying for a guest star. And Lindsay will be playing, you guessed it, Griselda, the wicked step-sister!

Wait, that was a rather assholish way to announce Lindsay’s role. You know Lindsay wants the role of Cinderella so she can kiss Ryan in front of lots of people, so you announce her role in the logical place where Cinderella should be announced just to give her hopes up? Mr. Belding, you’re an asshole.vlcsnap-2015-02-14-09h45m20s133

Needless to say, Lindsay isn’t thrilled, or at least as non-thrilled as Natalia Cigliuti can act, and is even less excited that Rachel will be playing Cinderella.vlcsnap-2015-02-14-09h46m02s43

It’s time to practice and R.J. decides to ad lib lines because he doesn’t want to be less popular than Tommy D. Also, the word “zoiks” is in the play, which must mean that Ryan is actually playing Shaggy from Scooby-Doo. Lindsay gets jealous as hell when Ryan wants to meet Lindsay at the restaurant for their anniversary dinner so he can rehearse scenes with Rachel. This is followed by a scene at the restaurant where Lindsay’s waiting alone just to convince us that Lindsay should feel jealous or neglected or some shit over their one month anniversary.vlcsnap-2015-02-14-09h49m33s103

At The Max, Lindsay’s still jealous because Ryan was a half hour late to their date and Maria’s all, “You’re a fucking psycho bitch!” Ryan comes in and acts nice, which makes Lindsay assume that he’s being nice because he’s feeling guilty, and she leaves The Max so other people can have a turn at jumping to conclusions.vlcsnap-2015-02-14-09h50m25s109

Maria sees Ryan hand a necklace to Rachel, which must mean that they’re fucking like jackrabbits. She runs out and we hear Ryan tell Rachel that he’s bought the necklace for Lindsay as an opening night gift for not being a psycho bitch about Rachel and him. Boy, hope he kept the receipt!

Back at Bayside, Maria tells Lindsay about the necklace and they both start acting like stupid spoiled bitches. vlcsnap-2015-02-14-09h51m55s241

There’s some more rehearsing and Screech is an idiot so he mistakes projecting for screaming. Yes, our subplot is going to be creative differences between Screech and Mr. Belding over the direction of the play. How surprising!vlcsnap-2015-02-14-09h52m46s231

R.J. sucks Screech’s cock so that he’ll give him some more lines. Ryan and Rachel decide to go in a classroom and practice for their kissing scene since Rachel’s suddenly inherited Jessie’s height complex. Wouldn’t you know it: at that moment, Lindsay and Maria walk around the corner and go in the classroom and…
vlcsnap-2015-02-14-09h53m53s142

Yeah, this looks so romantic. It’s like Ryan’s pushed Rachel down to force a kiss on her. Lindsay’s fucking pissed off. Oh, if only she knew what happens next season as soon as she’s out of the picture!vlcsnap-2015-02-14-09h54m37s69

Tensions at the play are high, with R.J. giving his new ridiculous lines courtesy of Screech. Screech thinks he could do a better job as a director than Mr. Belding so Mr. Belding is all, “I don’t want to be a part of this show anyway!”vlcsnap-2015-02-14-09h55m47s8

Meanwhile, Lindsay’s passive aggression turns into full blown aggression as, yes, Lindsay puts a real mouse down Rachel’s shirt.vlcsnap-2015-02-14-09h56m14s20 And slams a pumpkin on Ryan’s head.vlcsnap-2015-02-14-09h56m30s164

Screech takes the gang in Mr. Belding’s office…what are Tommy D and R.J. doing there? They aren’t a part of the fighting. Isn’t there something about confidentiality somewhere! Lindsay, Rachel, Ryan, and Maria all quit because they have to see this stupid shit through. Mr. Belding is all, “You didn’t need my help so you take care of it!” and Screech promises an extra blowjob to Mr. Belding if he’ll fix this stupid shit for him. Mr. Belding tells them to suck it up and think of the “hundreds” of people who bought tickets and they all agree to put on the performance.vlcsnap-2015-02-14-09h58m25s37

At the play, there’s still plenty of idiotic aggression.vlcsnap-2015-02-14-09h59m25s142

Offstage, Rachel tells Lindsay about the kissing and the necklace and that, in ten seconds, is enough to solve this plot contrivance. Ryan’s not quite ready to forgive her, though, so Rachel devises a way to get them back together.

What follows is very painful to watch, one of the more painful scenes of this show I’ve had to endure. Rachel declares the shoe doesn’t really fit her foot and, instead, fits Lindsay. This performance of Cinderella ends with Prince Charming falling in love with the wicked step-sister and with the step-sister giving an apology to the audience for being a bitch in the scenes of this episode they didn’t see. Yeah, so much for thinking about the show and the people who bought tickets. This shit is so narcissistic it gives narcissists a bad name. vlcsnap-2015-02-14-10h02m10s255Lindsay and Ryan kiss and make-up and our episode ends with the three of them doing a curtain call as I continue wondering if we’ll ever see the two of them actually get together.