What the hell, The New Class! Did Ryan and Lindsay just suddenly start dating in between episodes? I mean, it’s bad enough that wouldn’t surprise me, but what the hell? Did they really think we wouldn’t be confused about these episodes being out of order?
Anyway, yeah, they’ve been dating…a month. A fucking month. They’re being all cootsie wootsie about the whole think and making me want to throw up a little bit because they can’t stand to be apart for a second. This is to give the audience the best chance to lose their shit over this mushy stuff as possible.
So let’s cut to Rachel and Maria in order to put things in perspective! Maria thinks they’re being fucking stupid but Rachel thinks it’s romantic and wishes she had a boyfriend like that instead of a fake Swiss guy who up and abandoned her in between seasons.
Meanwhile, Screech wrote a play and Mr. Belding doesn’t think it sucks as so the logical thing to do is to just randomly put it on as a production at Bayside. Mr. Belding thinks it’s witty and shit. Yeah, we’ll see about that.
Tommy D’s real proud of himself for being able to move a chair and radio. Turns out he just wants to be the prop guy. Why is it the longer this season goes on, the more of a throwaway character Tommy D’s becoming? He’s not just an idiot anymore. His presence serves absolutely no purpose.
Rachel gives a performance that actually shows up Sarah Lancaster’s usual acting. It’s pretty bad when an actress playing a character playing an actress is more convincing than the actress herself.
Ryan and Lindsay give their performance next, and Lindsay sucks ass, which should surprise no one who’s watched this show the last three seasons.
So the auditions are for Cinderella, which we only find out while the auditions are going on. I may be crazy, but I don’t think Screech wrote Cinderella. It’s just a hunch I have.
Mr. Belding and Screech announce the cast. Maria will be playing the Wicked Stepmother, which she’s super excited about since that means she gets to be a bitch with an excuse. R.J. sucks so he’ll be playing three random roles without any lines. Ryan, of course, will be playing the handsome young prince because the alternative would be either Tommy D or paying for a guest star. And Lindsay will be playing, you guessed it, Griselda, the wicked step-sister!
Wait, that was a rather assholish way to announce Lindsay’s role. You know Lindsay wants the role of Cinderella so she can kiss Ryan in front of lots of people, so you announce her role in the logical place where Cinderella should be announced just to give her hopes up? Mr. Belding, you’re an asshole.
It’s time to practice and R.J. decides to ad lib lines because he doesn’t want to be less popular than Tommy D. Also, the word “zoiks” is in the play, which must mean that Ryan is actually playing Shaggy from Scooby-Doo. Lindsay gets jealous as hell when Ryan wants to meet Lindsay at the restaurant for their anniversary dinner so he can rehearse scenes with Rachel. This is followed by a scene at the restaurant where Lindsay’s waiting alone just to convince us that Lindsay should feel jealous or neglected or some shit over their one month anniversary.
At The Max, Lindsay’s still jealous because Ryan was a half hour late to their date and Maria’s all, “You’re a fucking psycho bitch!” Ryan comes in and acts nice, which makes Lindsay assume that he’s being nice because he’s feeling guilty, and she leaves The Max so other people can have a turn at jumping to conclusions.
Maria sees Ryan hand a necklace to Rachel, which must mean that they’re fucking like jackrabbits. She runs out and we hear Ryan tell Rachel that he’s bought the necklace for Lindsay as an opening night gift for not being a psycho bitch about Rachel and him. Boy, hope he kept the receipt!
There’s some more rehearsing and Screech is an idiot so he mistakes projecting for screaming. Yes, our subplot is going to be creative differences between Screech and Mr. Belding over the direction of the play. How surprising!
R.J. sucks Screech’s cock so that he’ll give him some more lines. Ryan and Rachel decide to go in a classroom and practice for their kissing scene since Rachel’s suddenly inherited Jessie’s height complex. Wouldn’t you know it: at that moment, Lindsay and Maria walk around the corner and go in the classroom and…
Yeah, this looks so romantic. It’s like Ryan’s pushed Rachel down to force a kiss on her. Lindsay’s fucking pissed off. Oh, if only she knew what happens next season as soon as she’s out of the picture!
Tensions at the play are high, with R.J. giving his new ridiculous lines courtesy of Screech. Screech thinks he could do a better job as a director than Mr. Belding so Mr. Belding is all, “I don’t want to be a part of this show anyway!”
Screech takes the gang in Mr. Belding’s office…what are Tommy D and R.J. doing there? They aren’t a part of the fighting. Isn’t there something about confidentiality somewhere! Lindsay, Rachel, Ryan, and Maria all quit because they have to see this stupid shit through. Mr. Belding is all, “You didn’t need my help so you take care of it!” and Screech promises an extra blowjob to Mr. Belding if he’ll fix this stupid shit for him. Mr. Belding tells them to suck it up and think of the “hundreds” of people who bought tickets and they all agree to put on the performance.
Offstage, Rachel tells Lindsay about the kissing and the necklace and that, in ten seconds, is enough to solve this plot contrivance. Ryan’s not quite ready to forgive her, though, so Rachel devises a way to get them back together.
What follows is very painful to watch, one of the more painful scenes of this show I’ve had to endure. Rachel declares the shoe doesn’t really fit her foot and, instead, fits Lindsay. This performance of Cinderella ends with Prince Charming falling in love with the wicked step-sister and with the step-sister giving an apology to the audience for being a bitch in the scenes of this episode they didn’t see. Yeah, so much for thinking about the show and the people who bought tickets. This shit is so narcissistic it gives narcissists a bad name. Lindsay and Ryan kiss and make-up and our episode ends with the three of them doing a curtain call as I continue wondering if we’ll ever see the two of them actually get together.