No, turns out they’re here for a murder mystery weekend that Lisa won on he radio. Yeah, really, that’s what we’re going with here. A bunch of teenagers alone in a mansion with creepy adults. Oh, well. Just another episode of Saved by the Bell. We’re at Northwood Manor and our host is Steven Jameson III, who’s trying really hard to be British and failing miserably at it. His equally creepy butler is Bartholomew, who seems a bit too eager to meet Lisa.
Steven exposits that the person who solves the mystery will win the $500 prize, but suspect everyone and trust no one. Jeanette, the psuedo-French maid, flirts a bit with Victor, the piano player, while Zack Morris practically drools over her. Oh, come on now! This woman’s way too old for you, Zack Morris! This underage shit on this show is getting ridiculous!
Jeanette gets jealous and pours a drink in Jessie’s lap while Jessie gets her claws out ready for a showdown with this actress who really struggles to be French. Steven steps between them and gives Victor his drink, which Victor quietly sips, hoping the audience won’t notice.
Steven lights a cigarette and the gang quickly come over to pass judgment on him for daring to smoke in his own mansion. Seriously, who just randomly starts lecturing a guy on the dangers of cigarette smoke? If you don’t like it, then leave! Ever since Johnny Dakota, these guys can get really self-righteous.
In the boy’s bedroom, Jeanette comes in and practically offers to give Zack Morris a blowjob. Bartholomew comes in and asks Jeanette why she’s after a high schooler. Jeanette is the town whore it seems and sleeping with everyone. Next you’ll tell me she even wants Screech.
At dinner…oh, god. Why me? Why is it that, whenever the writers can’t think of something for Screech to do, they dress him up and tell him to do stupid shit? Yes, Screech thinks he’s Sherlock Holmes and just walks around saying random catch phrases. He’s also paranoid that everyone might be a potential victim and, along with the rest of the gang, I expressed extreme disappointment when he wasn’t poisoned by a glass of water he insisted on trying.
It’s okay for Jeanette though. She goes for Inspector Piccadilly from “the yard,” who’s there to investigate the crime. Yeah, something tells me California is a bit outside the jurisdiction of Scotland Yard. Call me crazy but I don’t think he’s a real inspector.
Inspector Piccadilly quickly suspects Screech, who confesses to both murders for no apparent reason. Zack Morris intervenes and…NO! Let him confess to murder! Lock him up and throw away the key! Keep him from doing The New Class! Zack Morris, you’re our only hope!
Suddenly, the lights go out and, when they come back up, Inspector Piccadilly has been murdered by a roving pack of Native Americans. Most pointless character and stupidest death ever. Also, an old lady from the group reports that her necklace has been stolen.
Steven says that the theft isn’t part of the script. Lisa apparently saves Steven from being killed by an ax, which he also says wasn’t part of the script. Steven says he has no choice but to end the game and ask everyone to leave before someone gets hurt. Steven also tells Zack Morris and Lisa to stop by his office for a voucher.
The gang pack their suitcases, but Zack Morris is taking forever and it takes longer when Lisa knocks his suitcase over. The rest of the gang leave, and Lisa offers to finish packing the suitcase while Zack Morris goes to get the vouchers. He also locks the door on the way out to prevent the murderer from getting in.
Zack Morris enters Steven’s office to find it ransacked. Steven says someone was looking for the prize money and gives Zack Morris an envelope. Suddenly, the lights go dark again and Steven screams. When the lights come back up, he’s gone. This is such a cliche. Why is it these old mansions have electrical systems capable of being subtly controlled to dramatic effect?
The gang, the staff, and the rest of the guests come in and find Zack Morris in the ransacked office. Jeanette says that Steven is so cheap he wouldn’t give free vouchers and, indeed, Zack Morris’s envelope is full of money. Jeanette calls the police and tells Screech to shut the fuck up for once. Jesus, they’re not even trying with these “cops.” Yeah, these are cops, and Screech is also funny. Worst female impersonation ever! If you haven’t guessed who the murderer is yet, please go check in with Captain Obvious so he can help you along. We do get to see the old woman with the missing necklace beat Zack Morris over the head with her purse, which is kind of amusing actually. Man, this show is getting progressively more violent the longer it’s on.
The “detectives” question Slater, Kelly, Jessie, and Screech about what kind of person Zack Morris is, and they tell the detectives all about Zack Morris’s brushes with immorality: stealing Mr. Belding’s car, making fake ID’s, kidnapping the Valley mascot, and apparently tying Screech to some roller coaster tracks in 1986. Man, that would have been awesome if the car came down while he was on the tracks. But why, if you believed your friend was in trouble, would you suddenly start referencing previous episodes of Saved by the Bell? Do they want Zack Morris out of the picture for season four?
Zack Morris remembers he has Lisa locked in his room, so they go to find her. They find the bedroom empty and the detectives assume Zack Morris did something to Lisa. They find the old woman’s necklace in Zack Morris’s suitcase and Lisa’s watch in his pocket. Zack Morris insists he’s being framed but everyone else starts believing he did it.
There they find a drink and a cigarette with lipstick on it. There’s also a suit that’s been hung up on the door. What no one seems to notice is that the room’s been cleaned up since last we saw it, which I’m pretty sure isn’t standard police procedure in any universe.
The killer needed an accomplice to plant the necklace and the watch, and that was Lisa, who comes out from another secret passage in a fireplace. The drink in Steven’s office was Lisa’s, but there was another drink, also with lipstick on it. One of Steven’s cigarettes also had lipstick on it.Big surprise. The world’s worst cross dressing cop is Steven. Steven had changed out of his suit and into the dress to play detective. There was a second accomplice since Steven couldn’t have killed the inspector and stolen the necklace at the same time, and the second accomplice is the other cop, who’s actually Bartholomew in disguise, which…makes absolutely no fucking sense. Bartholomew was supposed to be dead. I…really don’t get it. If someone can explain it to me, please do, but how could Bartholomew have been an accomplice after his death.
And our episode ends with Screech pulling Jeanette’s hair to see who she really is, because if there’s a high point we needed to go out on, it’s Screech abusing women.
What an odd little episode to end the season on. Really, I don’t know what to think about this one. It’s not quite like any episode we’ve seen before and I don’t know of any episode in season four to match it.
And that’s it for season three of Saved by the Bell. I’ll have a season recap this Wednesday, and join me next Friday as we delve into the often dark nether reaches of the final season of one of Saved by the Bell.