We open the season on the first day of the gang’s senior year, where Zack Morris and Slater are being huge assholes to this freshman who looks nothing like a freshman. In fact, he looks older than both of them! I’ve been complaining for three seasons that the producers of this show have no idea what a teenager looks like. Nice to see some things don’t change. They extort money out of the freshman by telling him he has to buy a pass from one of them to use the restroom on the roof and, since no one in the Saved by the Bell universe has any common sense, he believes them and buys it.
The girls join them and they all commiserate on how awesome it is to be a senior because…SENIOR! WOOF! WOOF! WOOF! Also, they’re super stoked about the never before mentioned annual “Senior Kickoff Party.” It’s a party that’s unchaperoned so I assume there will be lots of finger banging going on.
And, in case you ever wanted to see something absolutely ridiculous, Mr. Belding comes down wearing the worst wig and sports coat you’ve ever seen in your life. He says he had to change his appearance to keep his hoe, so he naturally picked a new style that would be most likely to repulse her.
The rest of the gang rush to class as the bell rings and Zack Morris meets his new locker neighbor. This may be the single most perverted screenshot I’ve ever had from this show. Oh, Zack Morris. Her eyes aren’t down there!
He turns on the ‘ole Zack Morris charm and she doesn’t immediately run away in horror so I assume that means he has a chance. Turns out she’s a new student and that’s about all we find out as we cut to the next scene.
Oh, the wackiness, as Slater meets the same girl and it’s apparent he likes her, too. Didn’t they already do this plot…for like most of season one? This time, we find out her name is Joanna and she moved there from Idaho in order to be a convenient plot point. Mr. Belding announces for new students to report to the auditorium for orientation so Joanna leaves. Since she leaves, she doesn’t yet get to meet the latest addition to Bayside’s psychotic faculty, Mr. Breskin. He decides that the first day of school is a great time to give a test because he must be another of those teachers who thrives on seeing his students fail. Sounds like, by season four, they were recycling ideas.
After class, Lisa meets her newest potential serial monogamy fulfillment in Darren, who conveniently borrowed Zack Morris’s sweater from “The Aftermath.” Lisa asks Darren to the Senior Kickoff Party and he accepts on condition she’ll go to the movies with him on Wednesday and let him get to second base.
Zack Morris and Slater, in comedy cliche #568, come around the corner, each bragging about Joanna without saying her name so that neither realize they’re talking about the same girl. Oh, the buildup to obvious conclusion!
At The Max, the gang get super pissed that two freshmen are occupying their booth because freshmen aren’t allowed by law to occupy that booth unless it’s the gang back in season one. Yeah, this makes no sense and it’s really only around to provide more “freshmen are stupid” fodder for the episode.
Darren comes in and joins the freshmen. Wouldn’t you know it: the gang find out Darren’s a freshman! Oh, the shock and horror! A senior dating a freshman! That never happens except all the time! Really, I know this senior snobbery existed but some of my best friends in high school were younger than me. The gang’s attitude in this episode towards freshman is just plain stupid!
Joanna comes in, revealing to Zack Morris and Slater that they both like the same girl…again. They immediately go into super macho masculine mode, each in an effort to make her their property once and for all. They ask her to the senior kickoff party, quite literally both at the same time, and then act as creepy as possible around her.
Back at Bayside, Zack Morris and Slater decide to stick as close to Joanna as possible in the hopes that she’ll become one of their property. They try to help her cheat on another of Mr. Breskin’s ridiculous tests but their efforts are rewarded with…extra homework? I don’t understand how this class works. heat on a test, get more work?
After the bell rings, Jessie and Kelly try to tell Lisa about Darren’s chronic freshmanism, but he comes to walk her to her next class so they allow the plague to continue. Zack Morris invites Joanna to his house for a study date, and Slater ups the ante by inviting her to a movie.
In the locker room, Lisa comes to tell Jessie and Kelly all about how some schmuck of a senior is dating a lowly freshman and how it’s social suicide because…plot. Jessie and Kelly finally give her the news about Darren, and she reacts about as would be expected on this show: by freaking the fuck out over the possibility she may be dating someone a couple years younger than her. Gee, if only all the creepy older men in this franchise who like high school girls thought the same thing.
But, uh oh, Slater comes in with a leaf blower to vacuum the carpet. Yeah, I wonder if the writers realize this isn’t what a vacuum looks like. Anyway, the leaf blower somehow sucks up Zack Morris’s homework and then manages to get Joanna to invite him to stay because she seems to have no fucking clue that two men are vying for her as property. Besides, if they keep up this fighting, they’ll wake Laura and Frank, who are, no doubt, locked in the basement.
The most horrifying usher to have during a horror movie randomly shines his flashlight in Slater’s face. Turns out Screech is part of a master scheme by Zack Morris to interfere with Slater and Joanna’s date.
See, Zack Morris hired a random Latino woman to pose as Slater’s mother dressed as June Cleaver. I wonder how Zack Morris knows so many out of work actors willing to scam high school students? I guess at least he didn’t hire James the Actor to dress up as a woman. But, yeah, Joanna becomes convinced that Slater’s just ashamed of his mother, especially when Screech comes back and calls her “Mrs. Slater.”
The next day at school, Zack Morris and Slater are all…
In Mr. Belding’s office, Mr. Belding quickly figures out a girl is involved with this stupid plot and tells Zack Morris and Slater about how a girl wrecked one of his friendships. They’re both like, “Will you shut the fuck up and take off that ridiculous getup?!?!” He gets them to apologize and shake hands and, despite it being the most half-hearted attempt I’ve ever seen, agrees not to suspend them as long as hey get along. Yeah, guess schools didn’t have no tolerance for fights policies in the ’90s, even though they totally did.
Joanna tells both Zack Morris and Slater to fuck off because she’s neither of their property since she’ll never be on the show again. She storms off, leaving both the idiots convinced the other ruined their chance with her.
At the senior kickoff party…of course it’s at The Max! Where else would a Bayside party be held? It’s not like The Max has anything to do but cater to the every whim of Bayside students! Anyway, Lisa comes in with Darren because she realizes freshmanitis isn’t contagious and she’s all, “Fuck all those haters!”
Zack Morris and Slater both go for punch at the same time and, rather than punch each other again, they proceed to pour punch down each others’ shirts and pants and shit. A fight is about to break out again when Mr. Belding steps in.While trying to stop the fight, Mr. Belding’s bad wig falls in the punch. This makes Zack Morris and Slater start laughing. Mr. Belding leaves without his wig. He says he now knows he looked like a jack ass in it. Strange thing is he just leaves it in the punch. He doesn’t try to retrieve it. I sure hope nobody else wanted punch at this party!
Laughter really must be a panacea because suddenly everything is okay and they each apologize and forgive the other because we’re running out of time in this episode.And our episode ends with Zack Morris and Slater vowing to be best friends forever!
Is it just me or was most of this plot ripped off from a Good Morning, Miss Bliss episode?
Firsts: Mr. Breskin, senior year.