We open in the hallway, where Mr. Belding and Screech randomly tell the gang that Bayside’s formally getting its own television show on the “High School TV Network,” because there’s totally a cable news network that does nothing but air high school programs all over the country. Since the gang are the only cast members the show wants to pay most of the time, they, of course, get to run the school’s news magazine program, and, with Screech as faculty adviser, nothing could possibly go wrong! R.J.’s super excited because this means he may actually get an episode that revolves around him.
We cut directly to the show, where Screech is doing his best to act like he’s freaking out. That is, it would be freaking out if Dustin Diamond knew what freaking out looked like.
Tommy D does a “Household Hint of the Week” segment where he gives tips for around the house. He shows the audience how to change a fuse, shutting off the lights where he is but, for some reason not shutting off the lights and power to the gym where the newscast goes on. Oh, Tommy D, you’re such a moron!
Lindsay and Maria do an exercise segment where Lindsay’s jumping on a trampoline. The camera goes off Lindsay and focuses on Maria as Maria goes psycho and tells Lindsay to jump higher and higher until she supposedly bumps her head on the ceiling. The problem with this scenario is two-fold: one, do they really expect us to buy that Lindsay jumped high enough on a trampoline to hit her head on the ceiling? Two, you can see Lindsay’s shadow on the wall in the background. It’s very obvious that, once the camera goes off her, she just gets off the trampoline. Did no one see this in post-production? Would proper lighting have cost them too much money?
They end the broadcast and Mr. Belding comes in shocked that putting a bunch of teenagers on national television without any experience, training, or competent supervision turned into such a disaster. He tells them he’s giving them one more chance to produce quality television at least as compelling as TNBC or he’s pulling the plug on the show.
At The Max, the gang are bummed that the day long dream they’ve had of running their own television show may be coming to an abrupt end. The gang head to school sans R.J. and conveniently leave him by himself.
Enter Gavin Malone of the Malone Talent Agency who says he caught R.J.’s dancing on TV and wants to make him a big star because legit talent agents always track down dancing teenagers and follow them to retro themed restaurants once visited by Casey Kasem. Gavin says he wants to make R.J. a big star and we cut to commercial with R.J. practically peeing himself because he thinks he’s had his big break.
Back at Bayside, Ryan suggests they copy a successful show from television. Rachel suggests they do a show like “Tough Copy.” Um, you just referenced two real shows: The Flintstones and Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous. Why couldn’t you just say the show you’re actually referencing: Hard Copy. Oh, that’s why: Lindsay says they make up half their news stories. Isn’t that cute: The New Class didn’t want to get sued! But this does give Ryan the idea that they can just make up all their news as well!
R.J. comes in and tells the rest of the gang he’s been signed by a talent agent and can’t work with all these plebeians anymore. He rushes off to “do lunch.”
Rachel’s reporting from the chemistry lab where the school is supposedly on fire. Tommy D comes in and saves the day. There’s the problem with this story right there. Does anyone actually believe Tommy D would be smart enough to stop a fire?
At The Max, Lindsay covers the “jock-nerd peace treaty.” Yeah, the minute they’re off the air, Milton gets a wedgie because he’s supposedly smart but still in school well into his twenties.
Mr. Belding loves the new show and doesn’t bother to fact check any of these ridiculous news stories and even believes Tommy D is a hero. Wow, the idiocy of it all…
At The Max, Gavin tells R.J. that the sky’s the limit for his talent but he’s taking a risk because R.J.’s the first teenage client he’s ever taken on. As a result, Gavin needs a check for $500 to cover his basic expenses. R.J. gives it up like a sheep because obvious scam isn’t obvious when you’re full of yourself and want to be a big star.
Gavin leaves as the rest of the gang come in, who become suspicious when they find out not only has Gavin not gotten any work for R.J. yet but he’s asked for money in advance. Maria is especially distrustful so R.J. suggests she come to his photo session with Gavin and see how on the up and up Gavin is.
R.J.’s also a pirate, though! He’s a horrible impersonation of Jack Sparrow, though. Meanwhile, Gavin refuses to answer even the most basic questions to Maria and becomes very defensive when she tries to look at some files on his desk. Also, the show can’t seem to decide if his name is Gavin Malone or Gavin Maloy. It’s like Leslie Eberhard just doesn’t care and is biding his time until Fraiser.
Yeah, I’m sure Richter scales conveniently spell out “The Big One” for everyone to read. Yeah, stupidest news story ever. Tabloids get away with sensational news stories because they stretch their stories just enough so that no one can call them liars outright. In this case, millions of people in L.A. can call the gang dirty fucking assholes.
But, yeah, it actually takes a minute before Mr. Belding and Screech realize it’s a fake news story. The non-shaking wasn’t an immediate clue. Mr. Belding rushes in, takes them off the air, and tells them the show’s cancelled.
At The Max, the gang are bummed that fake news stories can get a news story cancelled. After all, Brian Williams lied on the news and just got a suspension! Maria comes in and tells R.J. she found photos in Gavin’s office that prove R.J. isn’t Gavin’s only teenage client. They deduce the fact he’s ripping everyone off and Tommy D says someone needs to teach that guy a lesson. Ryan suddenly sees a way to wrap both of this episode’s plots up with one stone.
The gang convince Screech to let them film the program one more time and Screech, quite literally, agrees as long as he can wear a ridiculous costume. Yeah, he actually says this. I’m not making it up. It’s like the show is becoming self-aware. R.J. calls Gavin and tells him another agent wants to sign him.
As Tommy D leaves, R.J. introduces Gavin to his new agent, “Hal Wood,” which, I hear, is a great brand of chair. Gavin asks R.J. to wait outside and then tells Screech he knows Screech is a crook because he is as well. This is enough of an admission and the gang reveal Gavin’s on television. Gavin slinks off as Mr. Belding comes in, praising the show and saying it’s back on the air despite the fact they randomly put a show on the air after he cancelled it.
And our episode ends with the gang super stoked about the new television show they’ll no doubt soon forgets exists.