We open in the gym, where the gang have been tasked with constructing a float for, get this, the Bayside-Westwood Sports Weekend. I’m…speechless. Westwood isn’t their rival and I fail to understand why there’s an entire weekend devoted to their sports. This show just keeps getting dumber and dumber.
Screech comes in and announces he’s the faculty adviser for this project since it’s cheaper than paying a guest star. He’s constructed a Mr. Belding to put on the float since he’s developing an unhealthy obsession around his former principal. The gang tell Screech they don’t want his stupid fucking float so he takes it to try to pawn it off on some other poor soul.
Lindsay mentions that Tommy D is taking her to the movies tonight, instantly sending Ryan into jealousy mode where he tries to play on Tommy D’s idiocy to get him to cancel the date. Tommy D’s all, “I’m not an idiot when it’s inconvenient to the plot, so no.” Also, after dating for several episodes in a row due to the incompetence of whoever is in charge of airing these episodes, it seems like we’re back to Ryan and Tommy D feuding over Lindsay.
Oh, good. Just what we needed: another psychopathic member of Bayside’s faculty. She asks random stupid questions and purposely tries to intimidate her students to keep them from feeling competent. This is like the fourth teacher on this franchise who’s taken joy in the failure of students. What is wrong with this school?
Mr. Belding and Screech come in to announce that tomorrow is Miss Hearst’s last day at Bayside. She’s moving to New Jersey to marry another psychopathic person and produce children who will one day co-star in Kirk Cameron films. Mr. Belding offers her a gift of a paper weight that says, “Bayside,” but she thinks it sucks ass and throws it away as soon as they’re outside the room.
Miss Hearst tells them she has a present of her own for her students: one last psychopathic test that she’s going to purposely make so hard they’ll fail. The bell rings and the gang tell Lindsay they can’t work on the float since they have to study for the test. Tommy D breaks off his date with Lindsay as well, and Ryan swoops in to catch him some of that Lindsay poon.
Following their date, Ryan and Lindsay go to The Max, where Ryan keeps insisting that he doesn’t need to go home and study since he’s sure that, being the Saved by the Bell universe, it’ll all work out in the end.
Also, when did Ron become a waiter? We’ve never seen him work at The Max. Guess they needed something for him to do.
At Ryan’s house, the theme of psychotic break continues as Ryan tries to study for the test but, instead, hallucinates Lindsay in his bedroom. Were this a realistic show, this would be about the time Ryan would start masturbating. Instead, Ryan’s psychotic episode ends with Ryan insisting he has to study.
Rather than studying, though, he calls Lindsay and talks to her until 1:00 am. Lindsay hangs up to get some sleep and Ryan tries to study, but quickly falls asleep.
Yeah, this guy…
Why does no one ever learn from past mistakes on this show? The float would be more competent to be in charge…
Ryan tells R.J. he didn’t study for the test and has to find a way to get out of it. The solution he comes up with is to convince the only character on this show who rivals Tommy D for lack of intelligence that it’s National Fire Drill Day and every school in the country is having a fire drill during second period. Screech, naturally having no common sense, fully buys the story and rushes to get ready for a fire drill.
In Miss Hearst’s class, our latest psychotic teacher brags about how hard her test is and how many teenagers she can fail. Ryan looks unphased and Miss Hearst tries to get to the bottom of his calmness in front of seeming insanity when the fire drill goes off. Miss Hearst practically does the “I’m melting!” routine from The Wizard of Oz as she realizes she won’t be able to give failing grades to her students one more time.
In the hallway, Mr. Belding comes in and is about to cancel the fire drill when Ryan tells him that he smelled smoke coming from the gym. Mr. Belding goes into his office and turns on the conveniently new water sprinkler system which apparently isn’t set off by smoke but by someone activating it. That’s a pretty damn useless system.
The water naturally ruins the gang’s float. Ryan leaves in guilt which the gang initially interpret as him being bummed about a float he barely worked on.
Maria quickly ascertains that Ryan had something to do with the fire drill and, using the skillful negotiation tactics she’s becoming known for, convinces R.J. to tell them that Ryan faked the fire drill to get out of the test. Mr. Belding decides the only answer for this is to recruit Screech and the gang for a revenge plot that involves more non-hilarious costumes.
Good lord, never have I seen something so hideous as Dennis Haskins in drag. That’s like wrong on so many levels. Of course, Screech is practically jizzing himself over this sight, which reinforces what I said earlier about him developing an unhealthy attachment to Mr. Belding.
So this genius revenge plot is for Miss Rumplemeier to ask impossible questions the rest of the gang already know but then to ask Ryan a ridiculous question that he couldn’t possibly answer, like the first name of a captain on a theoretical plane. Yeah, it’s as stupid as it sounds. Maria mentions torture and when Ryan parrots her remark, Miss Rumplemeier uses it as an excuse to send Ryan to the principal’s office during lunch.
Ryan comes in and says Miss Rumplemeier is psychotic, which shouldn’t surprise him given Bayside’s track record with faculty members. Also, Mr. Belding’s blonde wig magically disappeared. Mr. Belding reveals that he is Miss Rumplemeier and that the gang were in on it. Ryan takes the news that he’s the center of one of the stupidest revenge schemes ever pretty well, and Mr. Belding tells him that he’ll serve detention and take a make-up test, despite the fact that none of the other students took the test either.
His idea is to paint the float in Westwood colors and pretend it’s a symbol of Bayside murdering them in a football game that is apparently central to the Bayside-Westwood Sports Weekend. Nice to have that cleared up in the final minute of the episode. Also, Tommy D is a football player again, and his job is to stand completely still on the float, which shouldn’t be hard since all it will require is for him to turn off his little brain power.And our episode ends with Lindsay forgiving Ryan and Ryan telling Lindsay he can’t take her out this weekend because he has to study for the make-up test. Isn’t it so wonderful that, in the Saved by the Bell universe it’s possible to be a complete jackass but for everything to go completely back to normal in the span of twenty minutes?