We open to discover that Punky Brewster’s transferred to Bayside from 90210. Whoa, that’s like a super ’80s and ’90s mash-up right there! Zack Morris is naturally the first to notice Punky around and his dick goes “Boing!” Zack Morris asks Punky out on a date but she wants nothing to do with him because he drives a classic car, which is news to me but oh well. Wait…what does she have against classic cars? Some girls would kill to ride in one! Seriously, this makes no sense!
Zack Morris is naturally confused, especially since Punky Brewster wanted his hot man chowder just a few years ago. Maybe the world is blind, or just a little unkind. Don’t know.
There’s no time to think about that, though, because Mr. Belding comes in acting as the communications class teacher since the producers blew their budget getting Punky Brewster and couldn’t afford another guest star. He tells the class their project this year will be to put on a show for “cable access television.” Yeah, this actually became a pretty popular thing in the ’90s so I can kind of sort of believe it…I guess.
So we cut directly to the production of the show, where Slater’s taking advantage of being Jessie-free to ask Punky Brewster to The Max for a burger. Punky’s a snob since she moved to Beverly Hills, though, and only wants to date someone if they’re rich enough to take her out to fancy restaurants, which makes complete sense in a high school. Yeah. Slater’s all, “How could she not go for me? I thought all girls were attracted to my rippling muscles, but seems you can’t be sure of anything anymore.”
So Zack Morris and Lisa are the co-anchors of this little experiment that will be repeated in about three years once the writers try to pretend it never happened.
Jessie’s a roving reporter interviewing Mr. Belding and trying to pretend she’s serious and shit by drilling him on financial matters no one gives a damn about. Oh, it’s so cute seeing Jessie take her quasi-feminism and try to apply it to other areas of her life.
Next is Kelly who’s dressed in a winter coat because those are really needed in Los Angeles. She gives the weather report in the most stereotypical and sexist manner possible.
And then takes off the coat so all the adult men in the Saved by the Bell universe who enjoy high school girls can have plenty of masturbation material.
Last and certainly least is Screech, who’s running a cooking show. Yes, no one in this universe ever learns from their mistakes so they continue letting Screech do shit. He’s making spaghetti and actually does a good job, first impressing Slater and then the rest of the gang with something that’s not only edible but also doesn’t lead to bowel issues or erectile dysfunction. The problem is there’s some sort of secret ingredient in the sauce which I’m not sure I want to know what it is. After all, this is Screech we’re talking about.
The next day, Zack Morris and Slater are disturbed to discover no girls give a shit they were on a public access show because…girls are supposed to care you paid to be on television?
All the girls have suddenly lost their minds, though, because they suddenly think Screech is fuckable because he can make spaghetti sauce. Yeah, that’s the way sex appeal works. If that were the case, I should be Hugh Heffner compared to Screech. Zack Morris gets the idea that, if girls want to fuck Screech over his spaghetti sauce, they should sell it so Punky Brewster will want them.
Punky Brewster overhears them and decides that she can pretend to like Screech as long as it’s a Zack Morris scheme in action because those are always guaranteed to succeed. Screech decides that Violet must be in Beverly Hills talking up how horrendous of a lover he is so he doesn’t bother to question why Punky would want him. Punky lets Screech buy her lunch and they go off to discuss how he can use his money to benefit her.
In…the kitchen…have we ever actually seen a kitchen at Bayside before or should we just assume they’re doing this at The Max like everything else they do? I don’t know. In any case, the girls busily eat the spaghetti sauce because girls like to eat. Zack Morris brings in beakers from the science lab to bottle the spaghetti sauce in, because I’m sure that’s really healthy. A little acid to go with your spaghetti?
So, yeah, they’re bottling on a conveyor belt because they actually decided they wanted to rip off a classic scene from I Love Lucy, since these writers can so be trusted to stick to the spirit of one of the most legendary comedians in television history. Screech’s job is simple: take each bottle off the conveyor belt and box it but Screech fails at life so he can’t even complete that simple task.
Next, the gang film one of the worst excuses for a commercial I’ve ever seen. Really, this commercial is a couple minutes long. Do they realize how much a commercial this long would cost to air? But who the hell cares because it gives them the chance to insult every Italian-American who’s ever existed by imitating every Italian stereotype known to man. Oh, and Slater’s name in the commercial is Mario. Haha, it’s funny because they’re unoriginal and used Mario Lopez’s real name. Also, they dare to utter the words “saved by the bell” for the first time in the franchise’s history because they’re that desperate to make the audience feel something.
At The Max…I knew The Max had to come into this somehow…the gang sell Screech’s spaghetti sauce because whoever the hell owns The Max at this point doesn’t give a damn what crazy schemes Zack Morris pulls out of their establishment since they’re keeping the business afloat with mafia money anyway. They sell a shit ton of spaghetti sauce because that’s what all the kids are buying nowadays.
Screech and Punky Brewster come in. Screech believes he’s Chef Boyardee since students at Bayside are completely insane and probably snorting the spaghetti sauce in defiance of Johnny Dakota. Punky gets mad when Screech wants to sign an autograph and, instead, demands lobsters and watches and necklaces and shit. The rest of the gang get upset at how Punky’s obviously turned to a life of gold digging and Zack Morris decides he has to tell Screech about Punky’s sordid past.
The next day, Zack Morris tries to talk to Screech about Punky Brewster, but Mr. Belding interrupts them talking about the spaghetti sauce. Zack Morris gives Mr. Belding a free sample so Mr. Belding will leave and they can continue with this scene.
They’re interrupted again by Random Lawyer from Betsy Crocker Which Doesn’t Resemble Any Real Company Whatsoever if You Took Out an “S.” Zack Morris assumes Random Lawyer wants to buy the recipe for the spaghetti sauce, but Random Lawyer, instead, wants to give them a cease and desist order since Screech is a complete dumb ass and didn’t think it’d be a problem to use someone else’s recipe as his own. Yes, that’s right, turns out Screech got the recipe from his grandmother, who copied it out of a Betsy Crocker cookbook. Yep, idiots all around.
Zack Morris tries to tell Screech that Punky Brewster only wants him for his money and not his man bits but Screech decides Zack Morris is just jealous because he didn’t go after Punky Brewster a few years ago when he had the chance. Punky Brewster comes walking by and Screech tells Zack Morris, “Although, you may be lonely and then, one day you’re smiling again. Every time I turn around, I see the girl who turns my world around. Standing there.”
Screech gives Punky Brewster the necklace she wanted but the selfish bitch wants another one in a different color. She practically tells Screech she’s a gold digger, but Screech is an idiot and doesn’t pick up on these not so subtle signs, so he rushes off to buy Punky the other necklace. He forgets his wallet, though, and has to return to retrieve it.
It’s then he overhears Punky talking with fellow gold digger Chloe about how repulsive Screech is and how she only wants him for his money. It’s only then that Screech finally gets the subtle hint she doesn’t really like him and sulks off.
In the kitchen, the gang bemoan the fact that they can’t sell the rest of their sauce. Screech comes in depressed that Punky Brewster was using him. He tells the gang, “Everytime I turn around, her spirit’s lifting me right off the ground. What’s gonna be? Guess we’ll just wait and see.”
Mr. Belding comes in, having realized that the gang stole school property to bottle the spaghetti sauce. Mr. Belding tells them they have to repay the cost of the stolen goods by tomorrow or he’s suspending them. They decide to use their profits off the spaghetti sauce. Unfortunately, Screech spent it all trying to woo an ’80s child actor so there’s none left. This somehow gives Zack Morris an idea to raise the money and get back at Punky.
At The Max, Screech tells Punky Brewster he wants to get out of the spaghetti sauce business so he can spend more time with her. Punky thinks Screech is a complete moron, but Screech won’t be persuaded.
In walks Vladimir Lenin to buy Screech’s recipe. The chairman soon gets into a bidding war with the rest of the gang over the rights to the recipe. For some reason, Punky Brewster wants in on the bidding as well, and bids $2,000, $1,800 of it from her checking account and the rest from the gifts Screech gave her. Punky runs off with the recipe, telling Screech he’s a complete dumb ass as the gang rejoice they successfully committed fraud and have now dug themselves deeper.
Oh, but wouldn’t you know it! Vladimir Lenin was really Zack Morris, and our episode ends with Screech learning nothing, telling Zack Morris he has a date with Chloe so he can spend all the money they just stole from Punky. Oh, Screech. You’re such an idiot.
Firsts: Bayside has a television show.