Monthly Archives: April 2015

The New Class Season 3, Episode 16: “Screech’s Millions”

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We open with the girls practicing a cheer routine.

Bayside Tigers, you’re the best,
Bayside Tigers, beat the rest,
Come on, Tigers, say it loud,
Bayside Tigers, we’re so proud.

Well, I guess at least it’s better than the lame ass cheer song we had at the beginning of Saved by the Bell. Why they’re practicing I have no idea because it has absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the episode. Seriously, nothing. Nor does the mascot coming up and groping Lindsay. Since R.J.’s been taking Bobby and Weasel’s spots this season, she assumes R.J.’s groping her.

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But no, it’s Ryan, because Ryan could totally fit in a suit someone much taller than him wears. Also, Lindsay thinks Ryan’s molestation is funny.

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Mr. Belding gives a new student a tour of the gym. Okay, no, she’s not actually a student but would it surprise you at this point? I mean, this show has proven over and over again that it has no concept of what a teenager looks like. No, this is actually Edna Frumkin, president of the Golden Gals Self-Defense Club. Turns out Mr. Belding has deals on the side where he rents out the gym to people after hours, and Mrs. Frumkin is renting it out for her group.

Naturally, this gives Ryan the idea that the gang should rent out the gym and make money because making money is his main thing to do this season when he’s not groping Lindsay in tiger costumes. What else would he do, be funny?

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Mr. Belding decides we need a gag of an old lady beating him up so Mrs. Frumkin prepares to beat the crap out of him for not leaving this franchise three years ago.

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Screech comes in to get Mr. Belding his lunch but Screech is broke so he asks for five dollars so he can get himself a sandwich as well. Out of nowhere, we find out Screech has somehow become a gambling addict and is spending all his salary on lottery tickets. Mr. Belding lends him the money on the condition he doesn’t buy any more lottery tickets because they’re nearly as evil as caffeine pills and he throws in an extra dollar so Screech can get them some Twinkies.

Screech comes back with the sandwiches and, since he’s a fucking moron, spent the Twinkie money on a lottery ticket.

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Mr. Belding’s naturally upset he doesn’t get to indulge in his Hostess goodness, and Screech says he used his own birthday and Mr. Belding’s birthday for the numbers and plans to split his winnings. To convince Mr. Belding, we need a ridiculous dream sequence.

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And, oh, look, there just happens to be one right there! Yeah, the dream sequence consists of Mr. Belding and Screech on a yacht talking in ridiculously convoluted voices about how awesome it is to be rich and move Vegas to the coast. Yeah…

Of course, this dream sequence doesn’t convince Mr. Belding, who’s more upset that he was stupid enough to believe Screech has a lick of sense. After all, he was really craving Twinkies! Mr. Belding points out that, if Screech can’t be trusted with a dollar, how can he be trusted with a million more. He does have a point. We saw a few weeks ago what happened last time Screech had money: he spent it on another ’80’s child star. This time he might spend the money on magic beans.

Tommy D comes in with money from the gang. They want to rent the gym for a night, which Mr. Belding agrees to since it’s the first time they’ve ever actually tried to pay to use facilities. And what do they spend their money on, you ask?

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Why a horrible rip-off of Ripley’s Believe it or Not of course! What else were they going to do? Sell spaghetti sauce with Screech’s man chowder in it?

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Their exhibits include Rachel in too much make-up.

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Some random extras with bad haircuts that really date this show.

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And Tommy D, who’s so dumb he’s an exhibit in himself. Though Screech is enraptured by the show since he has the intellect of a two-year old, the extras think this show fucking sucks, and demand the gang to give everyone their money back.

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Meanwhile, Mr. Belding, in his office, hears the lottery numbers on the radio and realizes Screech actually won the lottery.

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Mr. Belding comes back to tell Screech and Screech takes advantage of the opportunity to faint into Tommy D’s arms, hoping that Tommy D will cop a feel and fulfill a long time fantasy.

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The rest of the episode basically consists of Screech dressing in horrible looking suits and using “posh” mannerisms and voices so over the top they’d make Thurston Howell III blush. Yes, the money naturally goes to Screech’s head and, since he’s only going spend all his money on Rudy Huxtable, the gang decide they need to move in and find a way to take advantage of Screech. This consists of the gang opening up a health club in the school because we need an unrealistic money making scheme for the gang to get involved in. Also, we find out Screech hasn’t cashed in his check yet and is buying all this crap on credit. Gee, I wonder what the end of this episode will be.

In Mr. Belding’s office, Screech ties up Mr. Belding’s phone with phone calls about wanting water slides in cars because he’s been watching too many cartoons.

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Mr. Belding leaves while Ryan and Lindsay come in to pitch the health club to Screech. Since we’re all about money this episode, all it takes is a little bit of greed to convince Screech to go along with the plan since he’s more easily influenced than Dustin Diamond when someone actually offers him work.

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And meet Body by Bayside, where you can apparently play musical instruments in band outfits while jogging. Yeah, spoiler alert, this is a subplot that doesn’t go anywhere and isn’t the least bit funny. It does allow the boys and the girls to fight over their next expansion, though. The girls want a clothing boutique and the boys want a juice bar. Screech tells them to whip up presentations for him to see tomorrow because he’s suddenly entrepreneurial and shit. Also, Screech still hasn’t cashed in the ticket yet. Could they make it any more obvious what the end of this episode is going to be?

In Mr. Belding’s office, Mr. Belding’s pissed off that Screech hasn’t done any work all day and that the phone won’t stop ringing. Screech has a solution for this.

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He hires Milton and Ron to do his work for him. Since it’s convenient to the plot for once, the writers acknowledge this isn’t the way jobs work at all and Mr. Belding…wait for it…fires Screech! OH HAPPY DAY! DING DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD! I JUST WANT TO CELEBRATE! LET THE SUN SHINE!

This is the best possible news I could have received in an episode! Unfortunately, along with it, I have some sad news to report. For those who have loved their twenty-something antics the past three seasons, you will be disappointed to learn this scene marks the final appearances of both Milton and Ron. Alas, ten years in school must have finally been enough for them to graduate! Oh, Milton and Ron, what will I do for the next four seasons without you?

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Yeah, Screech’s response to being fired is to go to The Max and drink milk shakes since we’ve had it established on multiple occasions that alcohol is the devil’s brew and milk-based desert drinks have a similar effect on Screech.

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The gang come in and pitch their ideas to Screech, with Rachel and Maria wearing ridiculous costumes that you’re supposed to be able to exercise in but look more like costumes out of The Brady Bunch Hour. Screech tells the gang he can’t decide right now and to go the fuck away so he can think about how horrible his life is as a rich person.

Back in Mr. Belding’s office, Screech packs up his things and has a tender moment with the office supplies. Mr. Belding comes in and talks about all the great years they’ve had together, all two of them. Apparently no one can decide how long a season lasts on this show. Screech gives Mr. Belding his lottery ticket and says he wants Mr. Belding to have half the money. He leaves, still sad that someone finally saw through his incompetence.

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In the gym, Screech tells the gang that he’s decided not to invest in their stupid ideas because it’s just making them fight. He also says he’s pulling out of the health club and they need to return the equipment. Screech bemoans the fact he’s rich and unemployed but Mr. Belding comes in and tells Screech he’s just unemployed because he couldn’t even get Mr. Belding’s birthday right on the lottery ticket. Gee, what a surprise ending. It’s not like I predicted this like ten minutes ago, especially given how stupid Screech is. Screech is enthused to be back to being poor and Mr. Belding offers Screech his job back. NO! DON’T DO IT! FIRING SCREECH WAS THE SMARTEST THING YOU EVER DID!

Oh, well. I guess on this show incompetence is rewarded with everything working out right in the end for everyone except the sad reviewer who has to keep slogging through this shit twenty years later.

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And our episode ends with a Mercedes dealer coming in to deliver Screech a $60,000 car and Screech taking the opportunity to faint in Mr. Belding’s arms, hoping someone, anyone, will cop a feel.

By the way, I hope you have no illusions regarding a show about high school being set, well, mostly in the school, because this is the last time we’re going to see Bayside in a non-clip show episode this season…

God I hate this show…

Saved by the Bell Season 4, Episode 7: “Masquerade Ball”

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We open in the hallway where Slater’s trying desperately to get some hot Ginger poon. Tori comes up behind the two and is disgusted that she’s landed a role in this show. She was hoping for The New Class so she could have her choice of non-offensive bland knock-offs but she was a year early. Zack Morris comes up and starts flirting with Ginger as well, apparently having forgotten how fucking annoying she was just a few weeks ago, but realizing that, with Kelly locked in his basement, Ginger may be the only one dumb enough to go for his bullshit.

After Ginger leaves, Tori comes up and tells Zack Morris and Slater, “Feminism! Um, Gamergate blah blah blah…I don’t know, Jessie asked me to hold down the quasi-feminist fort while she’s gone. Anyway, quit treating women like shit, you dumb pieces of garbage!”

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Screech, meanwhile, comes up and does the world’s worst impression of Groucho Marx, because the Marx Brothers were all the rage among teenagers in the ’90s, and he needs something to do in preparation for the masquerade ball. He can’t understand how people know it’s him. I mean,  Groucho  requires is a really bad fake pair of glasses and a fake cigar. By the facial recognition standards of Saved by the Bell, no one should know it’s him!

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Lisa’s equally repulsed by Screech’s Groucho impersonation but is excited to find a letter from a secret admirer in her locker. She’s happy he’s willing to spend money on her because if she learned anything from Punky Brewster, it’s to be a mother fucking gold digger. The secret admirer wants Lisa to leave any response behind the easel at the front of the classroom they just happen to be in because it would be too inconvenient to have another set in the same episode.

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And meet Ms. Culpepper, the art teacher of the episode. She’s like Miss Simpson only she’s blind as fuck and thinks the Greco-Roman style bust on her desk is a student who needs to get in his damned seat before she breaks out spankings. As scary as it is, this may be the closest there’s been to a semi-normal teacher at Bayside since Mr. Tuttle.

As an assignment, Ms. Culpepper tells each student to sculpt one another, which will be awfully hard to do if half of them are modeling at any one time. Also, Screech gives up his Groucho shtick when even Ms. Culpepper sees through it. God, I think the emotionally manipulative music from Full House was more subtle than his dumb ass.

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Zack Morris and Slater, meanwhile, hit on this random extra, Slater even offering to take his shirt off because he hopes it will help the ratings. Tori tell them both to grow the fuck up and they slink away from their sex object, obviously defeated by Tori’s superior intellect.  Zack Morris and Slater decide this means that Tori obviously wants each of their hot bodies, a proposition even Screech finds ridiculous, They decide to see how implausible their belief is by betting the other $50.00 they’ll be able to kiss Tori first. Gee, what stand up guys they are. After four seasons of this, nothing should surprise me.

Lisa, meanwhile, completes her letter to her secret admirer and leaves it on the easel. Slater comes in and tries to flatter Tori, but she speaks bullshit better than most women on this show. He says he’s sorry for the way he acted and convinces Tori to forgive him. He then says he needs a model for his project and, through an overly complicated and non-convincing ruse, nearly kisses Tori because she loses her intelligence when it’s convenient to the plot. The moment is ruined by Screech jumping for joy because his secret admirer wants his hot, chiseled body.

Wait…Screech is sending secret admirer letters to Lisa? Are they really ripping off Good Morning, Miss Bliss for a second time in the same season? Also, didn’t Screech just agree to get over Lisa a couple weeks ago?

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Zack Morris’s plan is to wine and dine Tori and be all romantic and shit. Since Kelly’s still locked in Zack Morris’s basement, The Max has no waiters and Screech is forced to do the job…for some reason. Zack Morris gets ready to move in for a kiss, but he realizes the plot require that he not be a sexist pig towards Tori any longer and backs off, confusing the hell out of Tori since she has no experience with men.

In the locker room, Zack Morris bemoans his situation to Screech because nothing can go wrong with Screech being your confidant. Zack Morris decides that the bet is threatening to ruin his chances with Tori and tries to call off the bet. Slater thinks it’s a typical lame Zack Morris ruse and refuses to call off the bet, leaving Zack Morris confused and wondering what to do.

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Lisa reads another secret admirer letter as Screech comes up and asks her whether she’s told the admirer how she feels. He proceeds to dictate her response to the secret admirer, which basically means he crafts a love letter for himself and Lisa’s too dense to see what’s going on.

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Mr. Belding quite literally runs into Ms. Culpepper, who thinks he’s Miss Simpson, because they look exactly alike, and Mr. Belding randomly tells her that shes quite attractive without her glasses on. Wow…that’s an odd thing to say to a subordinate. Is that sexual harassment and does she have to take it?

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In class, Lisa shows off her sculpture of her secret admirer. So…who did she sculpt that she believes is her secret admirer?

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This naturally leads Screech to try and imitate the statue. Lisa just assumes he’s being a moron like usual, which he is.

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Zack Morris decides to turn to Lisa and tells her that he has a secret that would drive someone away from him. Because we’re engaging in sitcom cliche #5652, the conversation that means two different things to do different people, Lisa assumes that Zack Morris means he’s hot for her and immediately gets excited thinking she has a second chance at his hot man chowder. Oh, Lisa, there’s two problems with this. You’ve already had a thing for Zack Morris this season and you don’t get to date a guy for more than one episode. You’re just shit out of luck.

Lisa puts a letter to her secret admirer on the easel but it falls on the ground as she leaves the room. Ms. Culpepper sees it and decides she needs to take it to the lost and found.

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The lost and found just happens to be located in a newly installed mailbox outside Mr. Belding’s door below Mr. Belding’s mailbox. Question: why is the lost and found a mailbox and how would you be expected to put anything like substantial in it, like, say, more than one small item at a time? This has to be the most inconvenient placement ever. Since Ms. Culpepper can’t see shit, she puts the letter in Mr. Belding’s box. Mr. Belding sees Ms. Culpepper leave the letter and comes out to read it.

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Mr. Belding reads the note and then thinks to himself, “Are the writers really doing this plot again? God, I know it’s been five years but the reruns never forget!”

At The Max, Lisa comes running in excited about Zack Morris wanting her again. She tells Tori, making Tori assume that Zack Morris is playing her like he plays most women. Screech comes in and the misunderstanding continues as she talks shit about Lisa’s secret admirer. Since Screech is too much an idiot to realize when something is up, he assumes both Lisa and Tori know and tries to defend himself, but Tori comes out and tells him that Zack Morris is Lisa’s secret admirer.

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Screech lets word out about the bet because Screech likes to randomly just say things he knows without thinking of the consequences. Tori calmly tells him she’ll make sure he never makes it to a certain shitty spin-off if he doesn’t tell her what’s going on and Screech tells her the entire story.

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Back at Bayside, Tori’s less than thrilled about Lisa’s newest secret admirer letter, which proclaims that her secret admirer is going to be dressed as Gumby at the masquerade ball. Oh, yeah, I guess there should be a masquerade ball in an episode called “Masquerade Ball,” huh. Tori assumes this means Zack Morris will be dressed as Gumby and, when he walks up, just leaves before he can talk so the misunderstandings can continue and he can talk to Lisa. Lisa tells him to look for her at the ball wearing a cat costume and just walks off.

Ms. Culpepper and Mr. Belding, meanwhile, have their obligatory misunderstanding turned sexual harassment scene as Ms. Culpepper plays the role of Miss Bliss. She runs away in fear, thinking that she’s just been used for a cheap and lame gag.

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Tori gets revenge on Slater by slamming his head against a locker when he tries to kiss her. She tells him she knows about the bet and wants to get revenge against Zack Morris by allowing Slater to kiss her at the masquerade ball so Slater can win the bet. She tells him to look for her dressed as Gumby and she’ll let him Pokey her. Slater says he’ll be dressed as an astronaut. Oh I hope he’s going as Sally Ride!

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At the masquerade ball, Ms. Culpepper says it’s a good thing that this is the only episode she appears in since she’s repulsed by Mr. Belding’s continued sexual harassment.

Screech comes in dressed as Gumby and talks to Tori, who’s dressed as a cat, which makes no sense when Lisa said she was going as that. Tori tells Screech that Lisa knows he’s her secret admirer and is thrilled. Screech is to meet her for a kiss and look for the astronaut.

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Ginger has something in her teeth and can’t tell what Slater’s costume is supposed to be since she’s an idiot.

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Zack Morris comes in and finds Tori, thinking it’s Lisa, and tells her about the bet and how sorry he is and how he likes Tori and shit. She’s like, “That’s okay if you’re really sorry,” and they dance as Tori wonders who Gumby really is.

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And, oh, it’s so beautiful, Slater and Screech share a tender, intimate moment on the dance floor. They dance and hold each other close and then share a kiss without taking off their masks which, despite the lack of actual lip contact, probably counts as like third base in the Saved by the Bell universe.

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And they take off their masks and it all devolves into a gay panic joke. Oh, wasn’t that so precious? You just know that, had the internet been popular back then, there would have been Slareech fan fics all over the place.

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Zack Morris steals a kiss with Tori during the dance, making her the latest in a long string of female regulars he’s strung along.

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And our episode ends with Lisa discovering that, for a second time, Screech is her secret admirer. She proceeds to have a heart attack, which probably is what prevented her from being in The College Years.

Firsts: Zack Morris and Tori date.

The New Class Season 3, Episode 15: “The Principal’s Principles”

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Oh, yay! In case I didn’t get enough of this stupid plot line a few weeks ago, now I get to see The New Class‘s take on it! I’m sure that will go just perfectly!vlcsnap-2015-03-23-22h03m23s219

And it opens just perfectly with ethnic stereotypes! Oh, they never cease to amaze me in the Saved by the Bell universe. See, Ryan and R.J. are conducting fake Hollywood tours for people coming to something called “the American Games” so they can make some quick cash. These are all international tourists and they’re conveniently wearing garb stereotypical to their native lands so you can tell they really are foreign since Japanese people always wear kimonos and French people always wear berets when they go abroad. You know, at this stage of the game it shouldn’t surprise me, but the lack of even basic understanding of cultural sensitivity for these writers just surprises me sometimes.vlcsnap-2015-03-23-22h04m11s204

Oh, and Screech is a complete moron and doesn’t realize it’s all a scam so he buys Ryan’s bullshit that Elvis, Sylvester Stalone, and the cast of 90210 really attended Bayside.vlcsnap-2015-03-23-22h04m41s249

Mr. Belding comes in and puts a stop to this insensitivity that’s still not quite as bad as Zack Morris dressing in Native American garb and he makes Ryan give he tourists back their money. He and the rest of the gang are bummed because he was going to use the money he made to buy them all tickets for the opening ceremonies of the American Games. Okay, what the hell are the America Games? Was 1995 an Olympic year and they just wanted an excuse to have an Olympic style subplot without the inaccuracy that the Olympics weren’t in Los Angeles? If so, I don’t know why facts stopped them this time. They’ve never consider reality before.

The gang decide that maybe they’ll get a Zack Morris level student principal who will let them do whatever the hell they want in class.
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Their hopes are soon smashed, though, when they find out the student principal will be Franklin, who’s apparently well adapt at kissing Mr. Belding’s ass. They run down the hallway to give some student a detention slip together. The gang decide they have to cut Franklin’s reign of terror short.

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Fun fact: the entire gang sans Tommy D is now in band class, because Bayside has twenty periods a day to accommodate all the extra-curricular activities our gang participates in. Rachel’s suddenly the best member of the band, though this has never been mentioned before…like even hinted at, so Miss Grundy, the band teacher, announces she’ll be student teacher in her place, which means she’ll be conducting a recital solo at the end of the week. I could call bullshit here but this is The New Class and, at this point, I’ll be satisfied if Screech and Franklin don’t trade blow jobs all week in Mr. Belding’s office.

Rachel’s first act as teacher is to have the whole band play a piece that’s supposed to “rock.” Of course, in the Saved by the Bell universe, “rock” means “muzak that we don’t have to pay royalties on” so it naturally sucks.

Ryan puts his plan into motion by telling Franklin that, if he wants to be just like Mr. Belding, he has to insult Screech as much as possible and make Screech his bitch. Franklin, not being used to the way plots in this franchise usually go, buys it hook, line, and sinker.
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In the hallway, Mr. Belding tells Franklin that Screech will be staying on as administrative assistance to give him adult support, which is what I kept saying Zack Morris needed during “Student Teacher Week.” Mind you, having Screech as the adult may be worse than having no support at all.

Franklin starts insulting Screech right away by telling Screech he’s trash and he seriously needs to shut the fuck up. He gives Screech a list of chores including shining his shoes and sterilizing his retainer. So…he treats Screech the contempt anybody with half a brain cell would? Of course, this makes him evil and incompetent in this universe, so Ryan sets the next part of the plan in motion by having Tommy D step in and defend Screech. Despite the fact that Mr. Belding refused to intervene when Zack Morris was doing idiotic things, he intervenes in Franklin’s rudeness, taking away his principal of the week status and giving it to Tommy D since the only thing better than one incompetent person in Mr. Belding’s office is two!vlcsnap-2015-03-23-22h13m07s186

And so Tommy D gets to work on the all-important task of wasting pencils! Yes, this is the thrilling scene you’ve been demanding the last three years, in which Tommy D does his part to destroy the rain forest.

Screech brings the rest of the gang sans Rachel into the office for being in the hallway without a pass. Tommy D says he’s going to give them severe spankings but…vlcsnap-2015-03-23-22h13m52s122

As soon as Screech is out of the room, the party comes out of nowhere. Tommy D calls Rachel to the office to complete their party but she’s less than thrilled that everyone’s not in class. Oh, I get it. She’s going to be Kelly in this episode, as if that weren’t apparent enough from a mile away.vlcsnap-2015-03-23-22h15m31s77

In the hallway, Mr. Belding decides to dress like a hippie because that’s what he wore when he was in school. As much as I like ’60s rock, it’s times like this I’m very thankful I’m a child of the ’80s and ’90s. All we had were ridiculous clothes like parachute pants and way too colorful shirts. Oh, the nineties. Screech, after insulting Mr. Belding, acts like an idiot while trying to help him with “his” locker and then, after wasting enough of his time to where he’s in the hallway after the bell rings, issues him a detention slip. Seriously, how does this moron keep a job?vlcsnap-2015-03-23-22h16m19s49

In Mr. Belding’s office, Tommy D is down the all important task of sleeping in a hammock he’s somehow put up. It looks like he’s attached it to the blinds which can’t be safe. Maybe he’ll fall and knock his head on the ledge, putting him in a coma and ending this episode early. That would be sweet music to my ears!

Ryan and R.J. come in and wake Tommy D up. They decide they need to make money for the America Games so they come up with the idea of turning the gym into a bed and breakfast for our stereotypical international tourists. vlcsnap-2015-03-23-22h17m26s212

So Maria was appointed gym teacher off camera so she abuses her authoriy to get Mr. Belding out of the gym so they can set up for the bed and breakfast. See, they’re under the impression that Mr. Belding will intervene if they do something stupid this week. Too bad no one told them that three years ago he did jack shit when Zack Morris was doing stupid shit as principal.

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Next, Lindsay arranges with the home ec class to cook food for their guests. They’ve created an international menu including French toast, Swiss cheese, and fudge, for the fat people…

God I hate this show…I shouldn’t even have to comment on this idiocy, and I still have four and a half more seasons to go…

Screech comes in and Ryan convinces him that the parents of future foreign exchange students are coming to visit Bayside. I guess he thinks Brian’s presence last season brought the school’s international profile up.

Rachel comes down upset because everyone missed practice for the recital to help with the bed and breakfast, or us upset as she would be if Sarah Lancaster could accurately portray those emotions. Tommy D tells her to chill and she tells him he better make sure everyone shows up tomorrow. vlcsnap-2015-03-23-22h20m17s92

It’s not clear how long after the last scene this is but, however long, it’s time to serve food to the guests, including  black guy they randomly put in traditional African garb. I really hate this show…

Lindsay runs in and tells the gang Mr. Beldings coming so they roll everything and everyone into the music room to prevent him from finding out about the bed and breakfast. In the music room, Franklin’s the only one who showed up for practice so Rachel’s pissed off, again. So I guess it’s the next day. Mr. Belding gets caught in the hallway after the bell rings so Tommy D gives him another detention.

Rachel comes out and tells Tommy D it’s all his fault that no one is showing up for her rehearsals and the recital is tomorrow. Tommy D helpfully offers just to cancel her stupid music thingy but Rachel’s all, “I took this job so I could have undue influence on a school activity that many members of the public will no doubt attend.” She tells Tommy D off and walks away.
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After a commercial break, Screech manages to insult this stereotypical Italian. Good thing he doesn’t mention he once ruined Italian food as well. Tommy D, meanwhile, tells Screech the truth and Screech acts surprised that students aren’t taking student teacher week seriously, again. Tommy D says they’d be better off if he quit but Screech tells him the point is to learn responsibility like he never has so Tommy D decides to figure out what to do.vlcsnap-2015-03-23-22h26m53s2

In the hallway, Ryan tells Mr. Belding he’s been elected him parking lot monitor to get him out of the school. Of course, he doesn’t think anything’s up with this so it must be a daily thing at Bayside for the students to elect a parking lot monitor.

Tommy D comes in and tells them he’s shutting down the bed and breakfast and that he’s sent the tourists to the Y. Gee, that was kind of him. The gang get upset and he tells them he’s expecting them to go to Rachel’s recital but they don’t want to because the opening ceremonies for the America Games are at the same time. Wait, that means you’re all deliberate assholes! If you’ve had a schedule conflict all along, why would you even try to make money to go to the America Games! The only explanation is they were planning on blowing off the recital all along, which means this unclear plot thread makes them grade A jack asses!

At the recital, it doesn’t look like the gang is going to show up so Rachel gets pissed off.vlcsnap-2015-03-23-22h28m44s94

They come in at the last minute saying that the principal has principles so that the episode can have a title.vlcsnap-2015-03-23-22h30m12s197

The recital consists of a thirty second piece of muzak that a few extras in the audience are thrilled by and the episode ends with Rachel pleased by the lowered expectations The New Class likes to set for what constitutes a good musical recital, or a good end of an episode for that matter.

Saved by the Bell Season 4, Episode 6: “Teen Line”

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We open with Zack Morris randomly stealing this guy’s burger and taking a bite out of it…apparently to be a dick. Is it just me or is Zack Morris coming off as more of an asshole than usual?vlcsnap-2015-03-22-20h42m44s233

Zack Morris joins the rest of the gang in Mr. Belding’s office where he tells them it’s time to think of a senior class project to do. Since Kelly and Jessie are, once again, locked in Zack Morris’s basement this week, the project will be undertaken by the only five members of the senior class the producers have to pay. They discuss stupid ideas like Slater dating girls while Screech proceeds to destroy everything in Mr. Belding’s office, pissing off Mr. Belding. Oh, if you hate that, Mr. Belding, just wait for two more years…

Tori says that, at her old school, they ran a teen line and rap room to give teens safe spaces to share their problems. It’s the only half decent idea the gang’s come up with so they decide that Tori is their savior in disguise and use her idea.vlcsnap-2015-03-22-20h44m39s74 And, like magic, the teen line is up and ready to go in the next scene. It’s almost like that transition was contrived or some shit. It’s a good thing Bayside just had an empty classroom lying around for them to use. Anyway, Tori lays out the rules for the teen line: never ask a caller for their last name, never ask for home numbers, and never ask to meet a caller. Sounds reasonable so I’m sure Zack Morris will break every one of them fairly quickly.vlcsnap-2015-03-22-20h45m15s198

Zack Morris gets the first call and it’s someone looking for a Chinese pizzeria, because the Chinese are well known for their pizza making ability. Lisa’s caller is a woman worried she’s overweight so Lisa proceeds to shame her as much as possible about her weight. Tori’s bland and actually gives real, useful advice to her caller: to join a club in order to make new friends. Whoa there, Tori! Be careful or you might make this show too realistic!vlcsnap-2015-03-22-20h46m08s223

This guy comes in to complain to Screech about his little brother. Of course, allowing Screech any sort of authority to dispense advice in the first place is a bad idea and Screech starts shaming our boy since Screech lost his only brother somewhere in the move from Indiana to California. Boy, they should change the name of this line to “Shame Line.” Tori’s the only one who’s done anything useful. For the Tori haters out there, that will come as quite a shock.vlcsnap-2015-03-22-20h46m29s173

Zack Morris gets a call from Melissa, who’s upset that her parents are too overprotective and won’t let her stay out late. He suggests she set back every clock in her house three hours and asks her last name. He then suggests the best way to solve her problem is to go on a date with him the next day because voices are sexy and unattractive people only exist in the Saved by the Bell universe when they’re convenient to the plot or there for ridicule. She agrees, meaning Zack Morris, predictably, broke two rules within five minutes of the teen line opening.vlcsnap-2015-03-22-20h47m33s29

Our rap room teen gets sick of listening to Screech’s bull shit so he brings his little brother, Tommy, in. Since he’s heard Screech’s reputation for kidnapping children, he leaves Tommy to live with Screech from now on.

In the hallway, Tori excitedly exposits how many people they helped on their first day. By that, she means that she helped lots of people on their first day and the rest of the gang acted like morons and prepped a bunch of people for potential therapy. Zack Morris tells them about his date and Tori’s all, “You’re an idiot to have asked her out.” Zack Morris is all, “Shut up or I’ll lock you up with Kelly and Jessie,” so she quits talking but first gives the admonition that he’s asking for trouble breaking rules, which he’s not since this is never brought up again in the episode. vlcsnap-2015-03-22-20h48m35s152

Screech introduces the gang to Tommy, whom you may recognize as the kid from Child’s Play 3. The soul of Chucky must have invaded this kid, too, because, when Screech calls him cute, Tommy stomps on Screech’s foot and runs away. This kid is already the best thing to happen to season four. Anyone who can cause Screech any amount of pain is okay in my book.

At The Max, Zack Morris meets Melissa and everything seems to be going great as she, like most of the girls in this universe, seems completely oblivious to Zack Morris’s assholish ways. Then, Zack Morris suggests they play some nice muzak on the jukebox. vlcsnap-2015-03-22-20h49m56s203

OH MY GOD NO! SHE’S IN A WHEELCHAIR! THE WORLD’S GOING TO END!!! Zack Morris is a bit upset as he believes Melissa should have introduced herself as requiring a wheelchair. Zack Morris decides he’s okay with Melissa being in a wheelchair but, when the rest of the gang come in, he insists on making a huge deal out of Melissa’s disability because the gentlemanly thing is to point out what makes people different from one another. It’s fun! Watch me do it: Lisa’s black, Tori’s a lesbian, Slater needs a haircut, Zack Morris is a douche, and Screech just needs to die and put me out of my misery!vlcsnap-2015-03-22-20h52m22s109

And, as if to fulfill my deepest held fantasies, Tommy comes in, having stolen the helmet from a scary looking motorcyclist. He gives the helmet to Screech and said motorcyclist wants to murder Screech. GO FOR IT! PREVENT SIX SEASONS OF THE NEW CLASS FROM HAPPENING! YOU WILL BE DOING THE WORLD A FAVOR!

I love this kid! He may be the best character since Edgar back in season one!

The next day, the gang invite Melissa to observe them at the teen line. Zack Morris, of course, still has no idea how to treat a person with disabilities since this is the first person in a wheelchair he’s ever encountered. This means he has to treat Melissa like a baby who can’t even wipe her ass for herself.vlcsnap-2015-03-22-20h53m28s11

Lisa gets a call from a tied up Screech asking for help. Tommy comes back, though, and tells Screech that he said no calls. Tommy hangs up the phone so he can smack the shit out of Screech. Um, Tommy, I still like you, but, suddenly, your treatment of Screech has Fifty Shades of Grey undertones to it. I…don’t want to think about that any longer.

A girl named Cathy comes in, insecure because the writers decided to resurrect Jessie’s recurring subplot of being insecure about her height. After Slater proves to be an idiot in providing advice, Melissa tells Cathy she just needs to have confidence in herself and quit seeing her height as something that needs to be fixed. Cathy’s overjoyed that someone at this teen line is competent and leaves to seize life by the reins.

Zack Morris dotes that disabled Melissa used her disabled brain to come up with a disabled solution for non-disabled Cathy. It’s so super great that disabled people are able to be competent in providing basic teen advice! Zack Morris is so impressed he asks Melissa on a date to the movies that night.

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At the movie theater, Zack Morris suddenly becomes obsessed with fighting for disabled rights and complains to the manager that some non-disabled person parked in the disabled spot his disabled date wanted to disabled park in. Zack Morris proceeds to baby Melissa and even gets mad at a tall guy for sitting in front of a disabled girl. Gee, how many more times can we fucking mention that she’s disabled, in case the audience didn’t catch it the first few hundred?

At the teen line, Zack Morris gets pissed off that Slater and Tori would dare ask how his date with Melissa went because that must mean they have some sort of ableist agenda.vlcsnap-2015-03-22-20h56m47s189

Screech comes in, having had his clothes stolen by Tommy and put up a flag pole. As awesome as Tommy is, his abuse of Screech is becoming a bit too sexual at this point, and no one should ever be sexual towards Screech.

Mr. Belding comes in and tells the gang that the writers decided to add in one more subplot for conflict nearly three quarters of the way through the episode. See, the school board suddenly decided they need to cut budgets which means Bayside can’t afford the teen line.

At The Max, Cathy comes in to share the good news that she has a date this weekend and it’s all thanks to Melissa’s good advice. Tori decides this is proof the teen line is doing real good and they need to raise the money to keep the teen line open. They can’t think of any ideas worth trying until Slater comes in and has a conversation with Melissa about wheelchair basketball, giving Zack Morris the idea to hold a charity basketball game. vlcsnap-2015-03-22-20h59m53s2

And who are the players you ask? Why, the gang and Melissa of course because they’re already on the payroll for this episode! The teams are Zack Morris, Screech, and Melissa on the blue team and Slater, Tori, and Lisa on the red team. We get about three thrilling minutes of wheelchair basketball. The highlight of this scene is Tommy using a remote for a turbo booster he hooked up to Screech’s wheelchair to speed Screech away for what I hope is potential pain. See, Tommy, that’s the way to torture Screech, and no one has to see him naked!

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The blue team wins and Tori thanks the crowd, announcing they’ve raised enough money to keep the teen line open. Zack Morris takes the microphone and asks for a round of applause for the only person who has to be in a wheelchair. This humiliation is enough for Melissa to leave, finally realizing that Zack Morris is just an asshole.vlcsnap-2015-03-22-21h03m10s206

In the hallway, Melissa tells off Zack Morris for being an insensitive asshole and tells him to go fuck himself. Melissa’s upset that Zack Morris keeps reminding the world about her disability, which I’m sure this brilliant move of cinematography looking down on Melissa won’t help.vlcsnap-2015-03-22-21h03m51s95

Since it is Bayside, we have to have a celebratory dance for the basketball game where Tommy gets his grove on with this nice girl he hopes to knock up later.vlcsnap-2015-03-22-21h04m14s74

Cathy’s decided she’d rather have Slater than her actual date so we have a chance for her height to be the object of ridicule one more time. Seriously, are men this insecure about dating tall girls? My first love was like five inches taller than me. Fuck this!vlcsnap-2015-03-22-21h04m41s67

Tommy’s brother comes in and tells him that Chucky wants them home ASAP. Tommy doesn’t want to go home since he’s having fun trying to kill Screech but his brother says Chucky won’t take no for an answer. They leave and Screech rejoices that he may actually live to appear in a shitty spin-off.vlcsnap-2015-03-22-21h05m54s53

Melissa comes in and Zack Morris apologizes for being an asshole like usual. Melissa tells him he just needs to treat her like a normal person, a novel concept, and they agree to try again since she’s getting paid for the rest of the episode. vlcsnap-2015-03-22-21h07m09s30And our episode ends with Zack Morris and Melissa dancing as Peter Engel inserts his name to cover most of her body.

The New Class Season 3, Episode 14: “Fear of Falling”

vlcsnap-2015-03-21-20h07m24s16 We open with the return of KKTY, Douglas, Utah’s hottest country, who, for some reason, hired R.J. as a DJ and has taken to covering gymnastics meets for Bayside since LA gymnastics are so popular in rural Utah. Apparently they’re not so popular in LA, though, since no one is at the meet except for a sleeping nerd, not even any parents, because gymnastics sucks in this world and we need an excuse for conflict. vlcsnap-2015-03-21-20h08m21s75

I think part of the problem is that the gymnastics team raided the wardrobe department of Star Trek looking for uniforms. Seriously, these are the worst uniforms ever. The uniforms are enough to distract Westwood enough that Bayside beats them. This means they have one more game to play and, if they win, they go to the state championships in San Francisco.
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All is not well in Saved by the Bell, land, though, for Mr. Belding and Screech come in with the bad news that the writers decided to reuse a plot from last season by making the school not have enough money to go to a state championship. This time, since Bayside apparently cares rats ass about having an attractive and diverse sports program, the girls can’t go because gymnastics doesn’t make enough money for them to. Just as he did last season, the reviewer wishes to call bullshit on this plot since schools have budgets and fundraisers for such occasions, but we need some conflict so, you know, how horrible!

Oh, also the team’s coach quits for absolutely no reason because they needed a reason to include fucking Screech in this. Seriously, Mr. Belding delivers the news they can’t go to San Francisco and he just quits, not out of anger, but because he finds this plot so stupid he decided he’d rather work at an Orange Julius than continue to act on this show.vlcsnap-2015-03-21-20h10m00s50

At The Max, the girls look at the world’s worst prop menus as they discuss how bummed they are that not only can they not go to San Francisco but they also have no coach. Ryan tells them they just need to find an idiot who can step in as a token figurehead so they pick an idiot sure to interfere and cause shenanigans.vlcsnap-2015-03-21-20h10m59s120

And that person comes in and trips on thin air. See, I told you they needed an excuse to overly involve Screech.

Also, Tommy D thinks gymnastics sucks ass because he needs a subplot no one will care about.vlcsnap-2015-03-21-20h11m42s36

At Bayside, Mr. Belding doesn’t want to make Screech coach since Screech knows shit about gymnastics, though this didn’t stop Screech from being the faculty adviser for the ballet club last week, but the writers needed to fill a couple minutes. Ryan gets a guy who looks nothing like Screech to dress up in the same clothes as Screech and do some handstands. Since Mr. Belding suffers from the same inability to distinguish faces unless it’s convenient to the plot that all the rest of the characters suffers from, he believes the rouse without question and gives Screech the job. vlcsnap-2015-03-21-20h13m01s64

Ryan finds out that, if the next meet sold out, the girls would have enough money to go to San Francisco so he plots to get Ron and some random nerd extras to think gymnastics is super cool and want to bring all their friends.vlcsnap-2015-03-21-20h14m00s125

They witness Screech acting like an ass and falling on his face and decide this episode sucks and leave. vlcsnap-2015-03-21-20h14m25s120

Tommy D and some random football players come in to make fun of gymnastics and talk about how much it sucks, though this episode thus far would be enough to keep me away from the sport for life. Rachel bets Tommy D that he can’t do the same moves she can and, if he can’t, he has to be water boy for the team. Of course, Tommy D sucks ass because he can’t do basic flips and he loses without any trouble. vlcsnap-2015-03-21-20h15m47s188

Meanwhile, Lindsay falls off the balance beam in the most forced looking injury since Mr. Belding’s injury at the ski lodge last season. It’s enough to sprain Lindsay’s foot but, at The Max, we find out that it’s minor enough she’ll conveniently be able to compete in the meet this Friday.vlcsnap-2015-03-21-20h16m42s225

Also, Tommy D sucks ass as a water boy and somehow gets athletic socks that gymnasts don’t wear on his back and ass.vlcsnap-2015-03-21-20h17m33s229

At the radio station, Ryan and R.J. get the bright idea that they can increase ticket sales to the gymnastics meet by implying that Michael Jordan will be at the meet.vlcsnap-2015-03-21-20h18m06s35

There just happens to be a radio conveniently placed where all the extras can listen so they all spread the word and want to buy tickets.vlcsnap-2015-03-21-20h18m24s224

Word spreads back through time where the operator from Lassie lets the world know that Michael Jordan is coming to Bayside.vlcsnap-2015-03-21-20h18m30s35

And a bunch of people even jump out of an airplane, not because of Michael Jordan but because they’re hoping they’ll tragically die so they don’t have to be in this episode any longer.vlcsnap-2015-03-21-20h18m43s157

Even Boris Yeltsin is excited that Michael Jordan is coming to a school he’s never heard of before.vlcsnap-2015-03-21-20h18m48s212

And Bill Clinton is excited that he gets to succeed George Bush in being in a lame gag for Saved by the Bell, even if it is a stupid spin-off. Hey, it breaks up the monotony of his pending impeachment. Also, Bill Clinton apparently speaks through telepathy and not through the movement of lips like most human beings.

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Gasp! The Simpsons was right! He and Bob Dole were aliens!

At gymnastics practice, the doctor has conveniently already cleared Lindsay for practice. Suddenly, though, she can’t practice, claiming her ankle is too sore. Also, Rachel can’t get her routine right and, somehow, Tommy D now knows how to help her find her center in gymnastics despite the fact he couldn’t do a basic flip just a few minutes earlier. He helps her get her routine right.
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Mr. Belding comes in wanting to know why Boris Yeltsin and Bill Clinton want to come to a gymnastics meet at Bayside and quickly deduces that Ryan had something to do with it. Mr. Belding makes Ryan refund all the tickets and tells him he has to find a way to make kids think that gymnastics is cool on its own, which means he has to find a way to end this episode before it turns teenagers everywhere against the sport.

In the hallway, Lindsay tells Ryan she’s not going to compete at the meet. Lindsay tells Ryan she’s suddenly developed a fear of falling because plot. Yes, that’s right. One single minor injury has caused Lindsay to fear gymnastics. If Lindsay is as good as they’re making her out to be, something tells me this isn’t her first injury. I find it idiotic to believe that this would make Lindsay want to quit gymnastics, but The New Class expects all its viewers to be idiots and not pick up on how unrealistic this all is.vlcsnap-2015-03-21-20h22m36s164

Tommy D, having become a newly converted fan of gymnastics since he gets to touch the girls’ undergarments, leads a protest of the captains of all the cool sports teams saying none of them will compete unless people start supporting gymnastics. Since that would mean no more sports episodes for this show, all the extras repurchase their tickets to the gymnastics meet.

Ryan tells Screech about Lindsay’s reluctance to compete and he decides it’s time for a really stupid resolution to the episode. Also, Screech cried at the final episode of Blossom. The stupid things you find out about this show.

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Lindsay comes to Mr. Belding’s office to tell Screech she’s not competing anymore. Screech does a really bad impersonation of someone scared of chicken. He tells Lindsay he’s been scared of chicken since he nearly choked on a bone. She tells him that’s fucking stupid and suddenly realizes how stupid this whole episode has been as she watches Screech eat chicken. Yes, she sits there and watches him eat chicken.

At the meet, R.J. announces the gym is full. Maria scores a 9.5 for her routine on the balance beam.

Occasionally, there is something on this show so stupid I need to show you the video to prove it happened. This is one of those times.

Ladies and gentlemen, Screech clucking like a chicken to Ryan, because his character wasn’t creepy or annoying enough yet.

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Rachel scores a 9.75 for the routine Tommy D helped her with. She gives Tommy D a celebratory pity kiss to thank him for his help, and this naturally makes the audience lose their shit because they just wish they could have a pity kiss as well.vlcsnap-2015-03-21-20h27m58s10

It doesn’t look like Lindsay’s going to show up but then she does because no Saved by the Bell episode can end with a less than positive ending. Except “The Last Dance” and that episode sucked ass.
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Lindsay flips around for a few minutes and, though she looks no better than Rachel and Maria, she gets a perfect ten, meaning the gymnastics team advances to the state championship. And Mr. Belding announces the meet made enough money that Bayside’s arbitrary criteria for sending sports teams to San Francisco has been met.

But you know what’s been missing from both this meet and the one at the beginning of the episode? Any sign of a competing team. Yes, there’s no attempt to even make it look like Bayside is competing against anyone else! Considering how I’m sure this episode will never be referenced again, I’m assuming this is a wet dream of Screech’s because he wants to imagine the girls in skimpy clothing.
vlcsnap-2015-03-21-20h28m58s161And, if that’s the case, the ending of this episode is even more creepy as Screech looks on at Ryan and Lindsay making out because…somehow…Ryan saved the day, even though he totally didn’t…

Saved by the Bell Season 4, Episode 5: “The Bayside Triangle”

vlcsnap-2015-03-20-12h45m01s50 We open at The Max where Screech has decided it’s been too long since there was a subplot about him sexually harassing Lisa and, since we’re getting closer to the end of the series, we needed just one more. So, yeah, the gang tries to reason with him, except for Zack Morris who’s encouraging him for some reason. We find out some disturbing facts, like that Screech has been after Lisa for ten years since they had different families and lives in Indiana, or that Screech’s dad got his mom by wearing his underwear outside his pants. A Powers family reunion could be the plot of a horror film, couldn’t it?

Lisa, meanwhile, is excited that a recruiter from the Fashion Institute of Technology is coming to California just to see Lisa. Gee, that’s nice of them to fly from New York just to see a random student’s work. Good thing Lisa’s a part of the one percent! And why can they use the real name of this college but they had to change Stanford and invent random colleges in California? Oh, whatever. Lisa wants to impress the recruiter so the gang agree to help her put on a fashion show with Zack Morris coordinating, because nothing could possibly go wrong with that idea.vlcsnap-2015-03-20-12h46m22s94

Oh, also Screech randomly gives Lisa a locket from his dead aunt complete with a charm to induce vomiting should she ever become bulimic. Oh, I pine for the days when my stalker would give me presents he got from his dead aunt.

At Bayside, Zack Morris assigns Kelly and Jessie to help sew the clothes since they’ve returned this week from their mysterious disappearance while Zack Morris and Slater look for a venue. Oh, fuck this show. You’re just going to have it at The Max! You have everything at The Max!vlcsnap-2015-03-20-12h47m14s108

Also, Screech tries to convince Lisa he should be a model, but there isn’t enough drugs in the world to get anyone high enough to convince anyone Screech can model anything.

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Unless, of course, he’s like eight and modeling He-Man.

Lisa worries about her stuff not being good enough and not being able to get into college but Zack Morris assures her there will be a nice spot open for her on The College Years should she fuck this up. Also, we learn that Screech collects Lisa’s broken fingernails. This just went from stalker territory to Criminal Minds plot.
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In the hallway, Screech’s newest idea to worm his way into Lisa’s fashion show is to give commentary on the designs, which he demonstrates by insulting Mr. Belding’s suit. Zack Morris knows he needs to advance the plot so he doesn’t notice the obvious stupidity signs and agrees to ask Lisa.

Zack Morris tells Lisa that the manager of The Max agreed to let them have the fashion show there because what the hell? See, I told you they’d just have it at The Max! Also, Zack Morris convinces Lisa to let Screech do the commentary, though she’s initially reluctant, because he convinces her that stalkers are the best people to say good things about you.
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At Lisa’s house, we find out that Lisa once designed the costume for the Sixth Doctor. vlcsnap-2015-03-20-12h52m35s247

Also Zack Morris models some clothes for Lisa because we need an excuse to get them alone together. Lisa thanks Zack Morris for his help and they randomly decide to kiss, which excites the audience so much they orgasm. vlcsnap-2015-03-20-12h53m25s238

They look at each other in confusion like, “Where the hell did that twist come from?” and part for the night.

The next day, Jessie’s more excited about Zack Morris and Lisa kissing than either of them and practically sings the “Lisa and Zack Morris, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G” song.vlcsnap-2015-03-20-12h54m28s77

Also, Jessie hella sucks at sewing and it took Kelly putting on this horribly made dress to realize it. Yeah…vlcsnap-2015-03-20-12h56m06s27

At The Max, Zack Morris gives final instructions for modeling because he’s obviously the most experienced of the gang in modeling. We have some time wasting with Lisa freaking out again and Zack Morris and Lisa stay behind to talk about their kissing some more. They decide to kiss again and the sex deprived audience decides to freak out again.
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Their cries of bliss are soon turned to “awws” as Screech walks in and sees Zack Morris and Lisa kissing, throwing some flowers on the floor he bought for Lisa.vlcsnap-2015-03-20-12h58m54s200

Oh, it’s nice to see The Max has been conveniently redecorated like a tacky drag bar!vlcsnap-2015-03-20-12h59m11s85

Mr. Belding has some excitement of his own as he realizes Ms. Parks, the recruiter, vaguely resembles Miss Bliss and he might be able to get a little something something tonight.vlcsnap-2015-03-20-12h59m46s202

So let’s look at our designs first. Yeah, the headbands are amazing. Maybe they’re repurposed Buddy Bands. vlcsnap-2015-03-20-13h00m16s244

Slater looks dazzling as an Ambercrombie and Fitch model.vlcsnap-2015-03-20-13h01m31s233

And Zack Morris is sporting the “white pimp” look. So, as you can guess, Screech throws a huge temper tantrum while describing the fashions, implying that he’s never seen any indication Lisa didn’t want him despite the fact that everyone has been telling him that all episode, not to mention that she’s been repulsed by the mere sight of him since episode two of Good Morning, Miss Bliss. After telling Zack Morris off for “stabbing him in the back,” he walks off and Mr. Belding finishes up as announcer despite the fact that he doesn’t seem to even know that cloth on Zack Morris’s legs is called “pants.”vlcsnap-2015-03-20-13h02m35s104

After the gang plot to finally kill off Screech for being a complete fucktard, Ms. Parks tells Lisa that she likes her sense of fashion and doesn’t trust a word Screech says after the release of Behind the Bell. As a result, she’s recommending Lisa for admission to the Fashion Institute of Technology.

Jessie, meanwhile, finds the discarded flowers and the gang quickly deduce that Screech saw Zack Morris and Lisa kissing.
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At Bayside, Screech won’t talk to Zack Morris because kissing the girl he’s been stalking for a decade is a crime worthy of death. Screech challenges Zack Morris to a fight because that worked out so well in the season opener and because Screech obviously has the same physical prowess of Slater. vlcsnap-2015-03-20-13h06m05s151

At The Max, Zack Morris recaps the events of the last minute to Lisa and they talk about how they really like each other enough to date for the rest of this episode. A random nerd comes in and says they’re betting on how many times Zack Morris will murder Screech in the fight.vlcsnap-2015-03-20-13h06m54s131

In the hallway, Screech demonstrates his idiotic version of the martial arts, which it’s funny since, in two more years, he’s supposedly a black belt in karate but he can’t even do martial arts right.vlcsnap-2015-03-20-13h07m14s78

Yeah, he can’t do martial arts.vlcsnap-2015-03-20-13h07m58s255

So he, instead, decides to rip open Zack Morris’s shirt. Zack Morris tells her that, if him dating Lisa really bothers her stalker, he won’t go out with her.vlcsnap-2015-03-20-13h08m26s34

This is enough for Lisa, who steps in and tells Screech to stop being a fucking psychotic ass sexual deviant and get the fuck over her so he can date other women in The College Years and The New Class. Screech tells Lisa she was his first love, which is creepy as fuck considering they never actually dated, and that she’s hard to get over, despite his dating Violet and Punky Brewster in between his bouts of obsession over her. vlcsnap-2015-03-20-13h09m52s122

Screech gives Zack Morris permission to date Lisa as long as they both promise not to mention this brief fling again after this episode, and Zack Morris agrees to Screech’s conditions. Zack Morris and Screech make up and Zack Morris takes Lisa off to finish up their one episode romance.vlcsnap-2015-03-20-13h10m29s233And our episode ends with Screech deciding to creepily stalk another member of the gang so he’ll be well prepared for the high school girls he’s going to scar on The New Class.

 

The New Class Season 3, Episode 13: “Thomas D.”

Just a quick promo for a long-time friend of this blog. Mark Moore, who’s been suffering along with me on this blog since the beginning, is starting his own review blog. He’ll be tackling the classic Nickelodeon show Hey Dude. Mark’s chock full of information on classic television so I have no doubt it’ll be a great nostalgic journey. He’ll be reviewing an episode every Wednesday starting this week, so check him out at https://heydudereviewed.wordpress.com/.


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We open with Ryan and R.J. trying to sneak past Lindsay and Maria. Turns out our two male idiots camped out to get Boyz II Men tickets (boy, that doesn’t date this episode at all!) and, though they were at the font of the line, managed to sleep past not only the box office opening but also all the other people waiting in line getting tickets. They are not the brightest, are they?

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Tommy D sees Rachel and tells her all his woes about poetry. He’s having trouble writing a poem for class. Maybe he should just use that amazing poem he wrote for Lindsay last week. But here’s what he’s come up with this week:

I want a girl,
Who doesn’t make me hurl.
She’s got to be smart,
Before I give her my car keys.

That’s some deep shit right there let me tell you. Contrary to usual Saved by the Bell fashion, there’s an indication this may not be the best poem in the world. Rachel lends Tommy D her notebook of poems to get some inspiration since she’s the new Megan and that means she’s smart and shit.

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And, since it’s been one whole episode since Lindsay started dating Ryan, Tommy D is over her enough to start crushing on Nicole, or Snooty McSnooty Pants here, who is head of the ballet club (is there really a ballet club? Seriously?) and only likes guys with sophisticated tastes, which will exclude every character on this show.

Screech comes in and tells Mr. Belding that he’s eating with all the clubs all day because clubs are apparently allowed to randomly get out during school hours and meet. Screech tells Mr. Belding he has a phone call and Mr. Belding says it’s from his life insurance agent. Screech promptly staples his tie to the bulletin board before realizing bait was just given for a stupid subplot.

Yes, naturally Screech assumes someone would only get a life insurance policy if they’re dying because dying people wouldn’t be a huge risk to life insurance companies. No, life insurance companies love to just hand out policies to the terminally ill. Makes complete sense! Screech proceeds to misinterpret some heartburn as a heart attack because that’s a predictable disease that someone who thinks they’re dying would take out a life insurance policy for, and tries to give Mr. Belding CPR.

You know what, none of this makes any fucking sense so I’m just going to assume Screech wants to make out with Mr. Belding.
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After Mr. Belding leaves the room, Screech reads the life insurance policy and continues to assume that, because the life insurance pays out on Mr. Belding’s death, that means he’s dying. Is Screech a fucking six year old dumb ass? Wait, why do I have to ask that? A six year old is much smarter than Screech.
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Oh, and welcome back Miss Fenwick as the English teacher! You may remember her from last season’s premiere, “The Return of Screech.” Wait, though, something’s not right here. What did R.J. just call her? Ms. Kay? Yes, this would be the same actress who played Miss Fenwick playing a different teacher, Ms. Kay, because this show doesn’t give a damn about establishing any consistency. In fact, this actress will be popping up quite a bit over the next few years. She plays no fewer than eight different roles on the series.

So it’s time to read poetry and R.J.’s up first.

I know a teacher named Ms. Kay,
Whose beauty no artist can portray.
And though she is pretty.
She’ll see that I am witty,
And probably give me an A.

Because Ms. Kay probably has the most realistic grading system in the history of Bayside, she recognizes how much R.J.’s poem sucks ass and gives him a C.

Tommy D is up next but he tells Ryan he’s worried because he’s got nothing. Uh, you just read a poem to Rachel. It may be horrible but it’ll keep you from failing. This show can’t keep track of what it established just established a few minutes ago. Ryan, being the wonderful friend he is, convinces Tommy D it’s okay to plagiarize one of Rachel’s poems. So he rattles this one off and gets an A:

I’m still waiting patiently for my love to arrive,
My quiet heart shall survive.
Till he she appears silently,
Then I will sing boundlessly,
And my spirit will revive.

I don’t think the writers of The New Class understand what makes a good poem, do they? I hate to tell them, but simply vomiting your emotions out on paper does not make a good poem. Oh, and Rachel already found her true love and she had him deported back to Switzerland.

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Naturally, no one, including Nicole, realizes that Tommy D isn’t even capable of this level of poetry, which means Nicole now believes Tommy D to be deep and shit based on one poem. Tommy D realizes a girl may never find him attractive again so he better jump on it and asks Nicole to a movie. She’s all, “Movies are for peons! My dad manages the L.A. Amphitheater! Let’s go see an opera!”

Tommy D is hesitant to go see an opera but Ryan sees an opportunity since Boyz II Men are playing at the same place an opera is taking place so the plan is to make Tommy D look cultured. Yeah…vlcsnap-2015-03-09-16h40m33s241

Ladies and gentlemen, this is where Boyz II Men will be playing soon! So Ryan’s plan is to put on a really bad fake beard that no one recognizes since no one has the capability in this universe to recognize faces unless every feature is exactly the same. Ryan whispers random things in Tommy D’s ear about opera and Nicole gets super impressed even though what he says sounds like it came directly from a book. Also, I’m not sure I believe Tommy D owns a tuxedo.vlcsnap-2015-03-09-16h41m43s166

Also Screech and Mr. Belding are there because they’re not in enough scenes this episode. We learn the opera is Verdi’s La traviata. Wait, so the writers took the time to look up a real Italian opera and find out facts about it but they can’t bothered to learn basic facts about poetry? Fuck off…

Oh, and the part about La traviata emphasized, of course, is that a character is hiding a terminal disease from loved ones, once again cementing Screech’s lunacy about Mr. Belding dying.

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The next day at Bayside, Tommy D is stoked that Nicole likes him but feels bad about deceiving her.

Meanwhile, at recital practice, it turns out Lindsay and Rachel have suddenly taken up ballet.vlcsnap-2015-03-09-16h47m04s54

As have Milton and Ron for some reason, if this is to be considered ballet. It looks more like they’re practicing for a parody of Fifty Shades of Grey.

Mr. Belding comes in. Turns out he’s the faculty adviser and he’s here to give them pointers about ballet because, in the eight years he’s been associated with this franchise, it’s been really well established that he knows lots of stuff about ballet! Screech enters and freaks out because doing basic ballet moves might kill Mr. Belding or some stupid bull like that, so he convinces Mr. Belding to let him take on the faculty advising role, which you just know will end beautifully.

Nicole tells Lindsay and Rachel about how wonderful and intelligent and cultured Tommy D is and they both break down in hysterics. She finds out that he plagiarized the poem from Rachel and that he’s a big phony, so she goes to confront Tommy D.vlcsnap-2015-03-09-16h51m13s3

Tommy D decides on his own he needs to tell Nicole the truth but she beats him to it. She tells him that he lied to her and used her and she never wants to see him again. Uh, no, he lied to you. Unless something happened off screen you’re not telling us about, he didn’t use you. I guess we’re meant to believe she psychically knows Ryan, R.J., and Maria want the Boyz II Men tickets, but it makes no sense when she would have found that out since we never even see them tell Tommy D they want the tickets.vlcsnap-2015-03-09-16h51m48s60

After a commercial break, we rejoin Screech who’s now dressed as a retarded Mario brother. Since we’re running short on time for the episode, Screech gets right to the pissing people off with his incompetence stuff and gets Milton and Ron to lead a walk out of half the players when he tries to force them to do push ups, because push ups are so common in dance.

Nicole’s upset that Screech ruins everything he touches and says they can’t do the ballet without our nerdy members. That means she won’t be able to impress her father, who was planning on attending the recital. vlcsnap-2015-03-09-16h52m51s231

In the hallway, Tommy D bemoans the fact he lied to get Nicole while Ryan, R.J., and Maria say they helped him only to get Boyz II Men tickets. See, there’s no way Nicole could know about the stupid tickets! Tommy D’s pissed off that they used him for some reason despite the fact he’s the one who started the whole lie with the poetry and will not face any adverse consequences for it.  Tommy D says that, because of them he has nothing. No, because of your stupidity you have nothing, Tommy D.

Nicole, Lindsay, and Rachel come in and tell the others about not being able to put on the recital. Tommy D volunteers to dance because he knows how much the recital means to Nicole and he volunteers Ryan, R.J., and Maria to help him since we’re supposed to believe they were shitty to Tommy D. Also, ballet is super easy to learn so I’m sure they’ll be able to learn in no time.

Now, gentle readers, I want to pose a challenge to you. Where in the Saved by the Bell universe do you suppose a ballet recital would be held? In the auditorium? No, that would be too obvious. In the gym? Another good answer but no. In the mall? No, but that would actually be a better place than where it’s actually held.vlcsnap-2015-03-09-16h54m22s109

Ballet recitals in the Saved by the Bell universe are held at The Max, of course! Why wouldn’t you dance at a place owned by a guy who keeps poultry in his pants to impress teenagers? God, I hate this show.

Screech gets all emotional in introducing the recital and dedicates it to the dying Mr. Belding. Mr. Belding tells Screech he’s a fucking idiot for not knowing what life insurance is when he’s supposed to be in his twenties at this point and no doubt has life insurance in his benefits package from Bayside. And thus ends our thrilling subplot about Screech thinking Mr. Belding is dying. It was fucking stupid.vlcsnap-2015-03-09-16h55m56s0

So our recital begins and it’s narrated by Screech because lots of dance recitals need narration. Lindsay, Rachel, and Maria are plants or some shit and Nicole is the sugar plum princess I guess.vlcsnap-2015-03-09-16h56m17s215

Tommy D is rain watering them.vlcsnap-2015-03-09-16h56m34s136

Ryan is the sun.vlcsnap-2015-03-09-16h56m54s78

R.J. is the wind.vlcsnap-2015-03-09-16h57m26s120

And everyone comes together in some cluster fuck as the audience loses their shit about the boys dancing around in tights because this is the most easily impressed audience in the history of television. It fucking sucks and it’s only like two minutes, which has to be the shortest dance number in history, but they get an ovation because no one understands anything beyond kissing and the opposite gender in this universe.

Nicole’s father loves the performance and says he heard the gang has a hard on for Boyz II Men but, since they are obviously about as cultured as Saved by the Bell can get, he randomly figured they would enjoy some dancing monks better because we have to have some fake irony at the end.
vlcsnap-2015-03-09-16h58m38s96Nicole tells Tommy D she’s falling for the real him and he says he loves her, too, at least until the end of this episode when she’ll never be seen or mentioned again. And our episode ends with the audience losing their shit over Tommy D and Nicole kissing, because none of them will ever feel the touch of a human being as long as they’re locked in their cages and forced to have emotional reactions to this drivel.

Saved by the Bell Season 4, Episode 4: “The New Girl”

Okay, we’re four episodes into the season and three of those episodes revolve around new female students. Am I seeing a pattern here? Did Bayside make some U.S. News and World Report listing of best high schools in America or some shit? Really, I think this season now outnumbers the previous three for new students…
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We open with Zack Morris demanding everyone’s undivided attention for this important announcement: someone’s parked in his parking space and he’s fucking pissed! They better move their motorcycle now or he’s going to go all Nicholas Cage on their asses! Nobody will own up to committing this grievous sin and Screech is no help when he describes the person as being an NBA player. Stupid Screech.vlcsnap-2015-03-06-08h25m51s103

But the new student does come in and proves that Screech can’t tell the difference between a man and a woman without gender stereotypes. Zack Morris confronts her and tells her to move the fucking motorcycle out of his space and she tells him to fuck off and go give Screech a blowjob.vlcsnap-2015-03-06-08h26m44s128

Zack Morris won’t take his insult lying down and takes his grievance to Mr. Belding, who asks him in what universe this is considered important pressing business and Zack Morris tells him, “In my universe where I’m king!” Mr. Belding tells him to fuck off and do something important like figure out why Kelly and Jessie have gone missing, but Zack Morris already knows the answer to that, don’t you Zack Morris?
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So the Fall Ball committee comes in during this to plan in the middle of Zack Morris searching the student handbook trying to find a way to exact his will on the student body. The committee consists of Lisa and Slater along with Ox, an airhead named Ginger, and a geek named Pete. The cream of the crop right there. Zack Morris keeps interrupting them while Ox tries to talk about beef jerky and guacamole and shit and Mr. Belding’s office really becomes Grand Central Station when the new girl, Tori Scott (Leanna Creel) comes in to introduce herself to Mr. Belding and let him know she’ll be randomly popping into episodes every time Kelly and Jessie mysteriously disappear.

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Naturally, Zack Morris and Tori clash again, this time over a seat, as Zack Morris rushes out of the office, pissed off that no one gives a shit about trivial things. Tori does, however, think of the idea for the dance theme because we’re going with the cliche where the main character hates a new character but everyone else loves her.
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In class, Zack Morris flirts with Ginger, who’s somehow managed to acquire a lower IQ than Screech and Tommy D put together. Tori blows Zack Morris’s cover that he’s assumed Ginger is such an idiot she won’t notice he’s reciting the lyrics to “Pretty Woman.” Ginger, needing to fulfill her role of being an idiot, assumes that means Zack Morris is Roy Orbison.

The bell rings and Mr. Breskin’s back, considerably more mellow this time over the last episode he was in involving new students. It’s like they forgot he was supposed to be a hard ass! He tells the class to pair off for a class project and Screech decides to pair with Slater instead of Zack Morris because it’s convenient to the plot. Zack Morris is paired with Tori, and they’re tasked with creating an ad campaign to present to the class on Friday. Um, didn’t they already do this plot with Mr. Tuttle? 
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At The Max, Zack Morris and Tori ostensibly work on their project, an electronic organizer, but can’t stop fighting over their forced dislike of one another.  They decide to split up the work, with Tori writing the ad campaign and Zack Morris doing the product research because it will naturally end up they reach the same conclusions without talking with one another.vlcsnap-2015-03-06-08h33m13s151

Meanwhile, Slater and Screech are working, with Screech reading the all-important generic brown covered book.vlcsnap-2015-03-06-08h33m24s24

Lisa comes in to work on the dance but manages to insult everyone and they all quit leaving her to do the work on her own. She spots Tori at the next booth and asks her to help. Tori tells Lisa she’ll help if Lisa stops acting like a fucking psychopath and Lisa says she thinks she can handle that since she can be quite reasonable when it’s convenient to the plot. Lisa declares Tori to be her new best friend since her old two have vanished without a trace. And I’m not even joking…Lisa says she doesn’t have a best friend. She’s completely forgotten Kelly and Jessie exist…
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The next day in class, Slater and Screech present their project, stupid sunglasses with mirror lenses that Screech can pretend he’s attractive in, as well as a second pair with windshield wipers. Mr. Breskin passes them both so he doesn’t have to be faced with the possibility of teaching them again next year.

Next up it’s Zack Morris and Tori, but Tori didn’t show up for school so Mr. Breskin tells Zack Morris he fails. I’m pretty sure that’s not how it works. You can’t penalize a group in public school because one of them is absent. It’s called make-up presentation. But it’s convenient to the plot so that’s what we’re going with.

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Zack Morris fakes his way through the presentation but then Tori walks in. He suddenly gets the idea that the commercial should be Tori would have known what time to be there had she used an organizer, and Mr. Breskin gives them an A because…everyone gets an A in his class now apparently.

In the hallway, Tori tries to apologize and explain things to Zack Morris, but he’s not interested in listening at the present time so please leave a message after the tone. After Zack Morris leaves, Lisa comes up and she and Tori exposit about how they were up until 4:00 am working on the dance and that’s why Tori overslept. Also, she’s all, “I think I’ll start liking Zack Morris now because the plot demands it!”vlcsnap-2015-03-06-08h39m53s68

At The Max, Tori tries to talk to Zack Morris but ends up insulting Ginger in the process so they can continue fighting.vlcsnap-2015-03-06-08h41m43s142

In the locker room, Lisa and Tori talk about Zack Morris and Tori admits she suddenly has a crush on him. Lisa tells Tori she has to become more feminine if she expects any guy to like her.vlcsnap-2015-03-06-08h42m35s151

Welcome to a Lisa Turtle Presents production! My god, she must have the biggest ego in this franchise!vlcsnap-2015-03-06-08h43m27s164

Zack Morris tries to be happy he brought Ginger to the dance, but she’s such an idiot she could probably annoy even Screech.  He can’t take anymore so he goes to get more punch.vlcsnap-2015-03-06-08h44m18s157

Tori walks in wearing a horrible present-like dress. Screech, since he hasn’t been an idiot enough in this episode, doesn’t recognize her and goes to find Tori to introduce to Tori. Yeah, you heard that right.vlcsnap-2015-03-06-08h45m19s0

Zack Morris can’t believe it’s possible for Tori to be feminine because she’s masculine and its funny.vlcsnap-2015-03-06-08h46m44s90

Before Tori can ask Zack Morris to dance, Ginger asks him but she’s an idiot when it comes to dancing, too, and dosn’t understand the pace of the muzak means she’s supposed to be slow dancing.vlcsnap-2015-03-06-08h47m21s205

Lisa cuts in and tells Zack Morris to get with the plot convenience and tells him it’s not her fault Mr. Breskin flunks people for being absent. Lisa tells Zack Morris Tori was late because she was helping with the dance, and Zack Morris realizes he’s been a tool of plot convenience so he goes to find Tori.vlcsnap-2015-03-06-08h48m44s11He finds her in the hallway and tells her he’s sorry for being so predictable. She accepts his apology and decides to stick around as an alternating member of the gang. And our episode ends with Zack Morris completely missing the signs Tori likes him and treating her like one of the guys, because she’s masculine and shit and it’s funny!

Firsts: Tori Scott, Ginger.