We open with the girls practicing a cheer routine.
Bayside Tigers, you’re the best,
Bayside Tigers, beat the rest,
Come on, Tigers, say it loud,
Bayside Tigers, we’re so proud.
Well, I guess at least it’s better than the lame ass cheer song we had at the beginning of Saved by the Bell. Why they’re practicing I have no idea because it has absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the episode. Seriously, nothing. Nor does the mascot coming up and groping Lindsay. Since R.J.’s been taking Bobby and Weasel’s spots this season, she assumes R.J.’s groping her.
But no, it’s Ryan, because Ryan could totally fit in a suit someone much taller than him wears. Also, Lindsay thinks Ryan’s molestation is funny.
Mr. Belding gives a new student a tour of the gym. Okay, no, she’s not actually a student but would it surprise you at this point? I mean, this show has proven over and over again that it has no concept of what a teenager looks like. No, this is actually Edna Frumkin, president of the Golden Gals Self-Defense Club. Turns out Mr. Belding has deals on the side where he rents out the gym to people after hours, and Mrs. Frumkin is renting it out for her group.
Naturally, this gives Ryan the idea that the gang should rent out the gym and make money because making money is his main thing to do this season when he’s not groping Lindsay in tiger costumes. What else would he do, be funny?
Mr. Belding decides we need a gag of an old lady beating him up so Mrs. Frumkin prepares to beat the crap out of him for not leaving this franchise three years ago.
Screech comes in to get Mr. Belding his lunch but Screech is broke so he asks for five dollars so he can get himself a sandwich as well. Out of nowhere, we find out Screech has somehow become a gambling addict and is spending all his salary on lottery tickets. Mr. Belding lends him the money on the condition he doesn’t buy any more lottery tickets because they’re nearly as evil as caffeine pills and he throws in an extra dollar so Screech can get them some Twinkies.
Screech comes back with the sandwiches and, since he’s a fucking moron, spent the Twinkie money on a lottery ticket.
Mr. Belding’s naturally upset he doesn’t get to indulge in his Hostess goodness, and Screech says he used his own birthday and Mr. Belding’s birthday for the numbers and plans to split his winnings. To convince Mr. Belding, we need a ridiculous dream sequence.
And, oh, look, there just happens to be one right there! Yeah, the dream sequence consists of Mr. Belding and Screech on a yacht talking in ridiculously convoluted voices about how awesome it is to be rich and move Vegas to the coast. Yeah…
Of course, this dream sequence doesn’t convince Mr. Belding, who’s more upset that he was stupid enough to believe Screech has a lick of sense. After all, he was really craving Twinkies! Mr. Belding points out that, if Screech can’t be trusted with a dollar, how can he be trusted with a million more. He does have a point. We saw a few weeks ago what happened last time Screech had money: he spent it on another ’80’s child star. This time he might spend the money on magic beans.
Tommy D comes in with money from the gang. They want to rent the gym for a night, which Mr. Belding agrees to since it’s the first time they’ve ever actually tried to pay to use facilities. And what do they spend their money on, you ask?
Why a horrible rip-off of Ripley’s Believe it or Not of course! What else were they going to do? Sell spaghetti sauce with Screech’s man chowder in it?
Their exhibits include Rachel in too much make-up.
Some random extras with bad haircuts that really date this show.
And Tommy D, who’s so dumb he’s an exhibit in himself. Though Screech is enraptured by the show since he has the intellect of a two-year old, the extras think this show fucking sucks, and demand the gang to give everyone their money back.
Meanwhile, Mr. Belding, in his office, hears the lottery numbers on the radio and realizes Screech actually won the lottery.
Mr. Belding comes back to tell Screech and Screech takes advantage of the opportunity to faint into Tommy D’s arms, hoping that Tommy D will cop a feel and fulfill a long time fantasy.
The rest of the episode basically consists of Screech dressing in horrible looking suits and using “posh” mannerisms and voices so over the top they’d make Thurston Howell III blush. Yes, the money naturally goes to Screech’s head and, since he’s only going spend all his money on Rudy Huxtable, the gang decide they need to move in and find a way to take advantage of Screech. This consists of the gang opening up a health club in the school because we need an unrealistic money making scheme for the gang to get involved in. Also, we find out Screech hasn’t cashed in his check yet and is buying all this crap on credit. Gee, I wonder what the end of this episode will be.
In Mr. Belding’s office, Screech ties up Mr. Belding’s phone with phone calls about wanting water slides in cars because he’s been watching too many cartoons.
Mr. Belding leaves while Ryan and Lindsay come in to pitch the health club to Screech. Since we’re all about money this episode, all it takes is a little bit of greed to convince Screech to go along with the plan since he’s more easily influenced than Dustin Diamond when someone actually offers him work.
And meet Body by Bayside, where you can apparently play musical instruments in band outfits while jogging. Yeah, spoiler alert, this is a subplot that doesn’t go anywhere and isn’t the least bit funny. It does allow the boys and the girls to fight over their next expansion, though. The girls want a clothing boutique and the boys want a juice bar. Screech tells them to whip up presentations for him to see tomorrow because he’s suddenly entrepreneurial and shit. Also, Screech still hasn’t cashed in the ticket yet. Could they make it any more obvious what the end of this episode is going to be?
In Mr. Belding’s office, Mr. Belding’s pissed off that Screech hasn’t done any work all day and that the phone won’t stop ringing. Screech has a solution for this.
He hires Milton and Ron to do his work for him. Since it’s convenient to the plot for once, the writers acknowledge this isn’t the way jobs work at all and Mr. Belding…wait for it…fires Screech! OH HAPPY DAY! DING DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD! I JUST WANT TO CELEBRATE! LET THE SUN SHINE!
This is the best possible news I could have received in an episode! Unfortunately, along with it, I have some sad news to report. For those who have loved their twenty-something antics the past three seasons, you will be disappointed to learn this scene marks the final appearances of both Milton and Ron. Alas, ten years in school must have finally been enough for them to graduate! Oh, Milton and Ron, what will I do for the next four seasons without you?
Yeah, Screech’s response to being fired is to go to The Max and drink milk shakes since we’ve had it established on multiple occasions that alcohol is the devil’s brew and milk-based desert drinks have a similar effect on Screech.
The gang come in and pitch their ideas to Screech, with Rachel and Maria wearing ridiculous costumes that you’re supposed to be able to exercise in but look more like costumes out of The Brady Bunch Hour. Screech tells the gang he can’t decide right now and to go the fuck away so he can think about how horrible his life is as a rich person.
Back in Mr. Belding’s office, Screech packs up his things and has a tender moment with the office supplies. Mr. Belding comes in and talks about all the great years they’ve had together, all two of them. Apparently no one can decide how long a season lasts on this show. Screech gives Mr. Belding his lottery ticket and says he wants Mr. Belding to have half the money. He leaves, still sad that someone finally saw through his incompetence.
In the gym, Screech tells the gang that he’s decided not to invest in their stupid ideas because it’s just making them fight. He also says he’s pulling out of the health club and they need to return the equipment. Screech bemoans the fact he’s rich and unemployed but Mr. Belding comes in and tells Screech he’s just unemployed because he couldn’t even get Mr. Belding’s birthday right on the lottery ticket. Gee, what a surprise ending. It’s not like I predicted this like ten minutes ago, especially given how stupid Screech is. Screech is enthused to be back to being poor and Mr. Belding offers Screech his job back. NO! DON’T DO IT! FIRING SCREECH WAS THE SMARTEST THING YOU EVER DID!
Oh, well. I guess on this show incompetence is rewarded with everything working out right in the end for everyone except the sad reviewer who has to keep slogging through this shit twenty years later.
And our episode ends with a Mercedes dealer coming in to deliver Screech a $60,000 car and Screech taking the opportunity to faint in Mr. Belding’s arms, hoping someone, anyone, will cop a feel.
By the way, I hope you have no illusions regarding a show about high school being set, well, mostly in the school, because this is the last time we’re going to see Bayside in a non-clip show episode this season…
God I hate this show…