Just a quick promo for a long-time friend of this blog. Mark Moore, who’s been suffering along with me on this blog since the beginning, is starting his own review blog. He’ll be tackling the classic Nickelodeon show Hey Dude. Mark’s chock full of information on classic television so I have no doubt it’ll be a great nostalgic journey. He’ll be reviewing an episode every Wednesday starting this week, so check him out at https://heydudereviewed.wordpress.com/.
We open with Ryan and R.J. trying to sneak past Lindsay and Maria. Turns out our two male idiots camped out to get Boyz II Men tickets (boy, that doesn’t date this episode at all!) and, though they were at the font of the line, managed to sleep past not only the box office opening but also all the other people waiting in line getting tickets. They are not the brightest, are they?
Tommy D sees Rachel and tells her all his woes about poetry. He’s having trouble writing a poem for class. Maybe he should just use that amazing poem he wrote for Lindsay last week. But here’s what he’s come up with this week:
I want a girl,
Who doesn’t make me hurl.
She’s got to be smart,
Before I give her my car keys.
That’s some deep shit right there let me tell you. Contrary to usual Saved by the Bell fashion, there’s an indication this may not be the best poem in the world. Rachel lends Tommy D her notebook of poems to get some inspiration since she’s the new Megan and that means she’s smart and shit.
And, since it’s been one whole episode since Lindsay started dating Ryan, Tommy D is over her enough to start crushing on Nicole, or Snooty McSnooty Pants here, who is head of the ballet club (is there really a ballet club? Seriously?) and only likes guys with sophisticated tastes, which will exclude every character on this show.
Screech comes in and tells Mr. Belding that he’s eating with all the clubs all day because clubs are apparently allowed to randomly get out during school hours and meet. Screech tells Mr. Belding he has a phone call and Mr. Belding says it’s from his life insurance agent. Screech promptly staples his tie to the bulletin board before realizing bait was just given for a stupid subplot.
Yes, naturally Screech assumes someone would only get a life insurance policy if they’re dying because dying people wouldn’t be a huge risk to life insurance companies. No, life insurance companies love to just hand out policies to the terminally ill. Makes complete sense! Screech proceeds to misinterpret some heartburn as a heart attack because that’s a predictable disease that someone who thinks they’re dying would take out a life insurance policy for, and tries to give Mr. Belding CPR.
After Mr. Belding leaves the room, Screech reads the life insurance policy and continues to assume that, because the life insurance pays out on Mr. Belding’s death, that means he’s dying. Is Screech a fucking six year old dumb ass? Wait, why do I have to ask that? A six year old is much smarter than Screech.
Oh, and welcome back Miss Fenwick as the English teacher! You may remember her from last season’s premiere, “The Return of Screech.” Wait, though, something’s not right here. What did R.J. just call her? Ms. Kay? Yes, this would be the same actress who played Miss Fenwick playing a different teacher, Ms. Kay, because this show doesn’t give a damn about establishing any consistency. In fact, this actress will be popping up quite a bit over the next few years. She plays no fewer than eight different roles on the series.
So it’s time to read poetry and R.J.’s up first.
I know a teacher named Ms. Kay,
Whose beauty no artist can portray.
And though she is pretty.
She’ll see that I am witty,
And probably give me an A.
Because Ms. Kay probably has the most realistic grading system in the history of Bayside, she recognizes how much R.J.’s poem sucks ass and gives him a C.
Tommy D is up next but he tells Ryan he’s worried because he’s got nothing. Uh, you just read a poem to Rachel. It may be horrible but it’ll keep you from failing. This show can’t keep track of what it established just established a few minutes ago. Ryan, being the wonderful friend he is, convinces Tommy D it’s okay to plagiarize one of Rachel’s poems. So he rattles this one off and gets an A:
I’m still waiting patiently for my love to arrive,
My quiet heart shall survive.
heshe appears silently,
Then I will sing boundlessly,
And my spirit will revive.
I don’t think the writers of The New Class understand what makes a good poem, do they? I hate to tell them, but simply vomiting your emotions out on paper does not make a good poem. Oh, and Rachel already found her true love and she had him deported back to Switzerland.
Naturally, no one, including Nicole, realizes that Tommy D isn’t even capable of this level of poetry, which means Nicole now believes Tommy D to be deep and shit based on one poem. Tommy D realizes a girl may never find him attractive again so he better jump on it and asks Nicole to a movie. She’s all, “Movies are for peons! My dad manages the L.A. Amphitheater! Let’s go see an opera!”
Ladies and gentlemen, this is where Boyz II Men will be playing soon! So Ryan’s plan is to put on a really bad fake beard that no one recognizes since no one has the capability in this universe to recognize faces unless every feature is exactly the same. Ryan whispers random things in Tommy D’s ear about opera and Nicole gets super impressed even though what he says sounds like it came directly from a book. Also, I’m not sure I believe Tommy D owns a tuxedo.
Also Screech and Mr. Belding are there because they’re not in enough scenes this episode. We learn the opera is Verdi’s La traviata. Wait, so the writers took the time to look up a real Italian opera and find out facts about it but they can’t bothered to learn basic facts about poetry? Fuck off…
Oh, and the part about La traviata emphasized, of course, is that a character is hiding a terminal disease from loved ones, once again cementing Screech’s lunacy about Mr. Belding dying.
The next day at Bayside, Tommy D is stoked that Nicole likes him but feels bad about deceiving her.
As have Milton and Ron for some reason, if this is to be considered ballet. It looks more like they’re practicing for a parody of Fifty Shades of Grey.
Mr. Belding comes in. Turns out he’s the faculty adviser and he’s here to give them pointers about ballet because, in the eight years he’s been associated with this franchise, it’s been really well established that he knows lots of stuff about ballet! Screech enters and freaks out because doing basic ballet moves might kill Mr. Belding or some stupid bull like that, so he convinces Mr. Belding to let him take on the faculty advising role, which you just know will end beautifully.
Nicole tells Lindsay and Rachel about how wonderful and intelligent and cultured Tommy D is and they both break down in hysterics. She finds out that he plagiarized the poem from Rachel and that he’s a big phony, so she goes to confront Tommy D.
Tommy D decides on his own he needs to tell Nicole the truth but she beats him to it. She tells him that he lied to her and used her and she never wants to see him again. Uh, no, he lied to you. Unless something happened off screen you’re not telling us about, he didn’t use you. I guess we’re meant to believe she psychically knows Ryan, R.J., and Maria want the Boyz II Men tickets, but it makes no sense when she would have found that out since we never even see them tell Tommy D they want the tickets.
After a commercial break, we rejoin Screech who’s now dressed as a retarded Mario brother. Since we’re running short on time for the episode, Screech gets right to the pissing people off with his incompetence stuff and gets Milton and Ron to lead a walk out of half the players when he tries to force them to do push ups, because push ups are so common in dance.
Nicole’s upset that Screech ruins everything he touches and says they can’t do the ballet without our nerdy members. That means she won’t be able to impress her father, who was planning on attending the recital.
In the hallway, Tommy D bemoans the fact he lied to get Nicole while Ryan, R.J., and Maria say they helped him only to get Boyz II Men tickets. See, there’s no way Nicole could know about the stupid tickets! Tommy D’s pissed off that they used him for some reason despite the fact he’s the one who started the whole lie with the poetry and will not face any adverse consequences for it. Tommy D says that, because of them he has nothing. No, because of your stupidity you have nothing, Tommy D.
Nicole, Lindsay, and Rachel come in and tell the others about not being able to put on the recital. Tommy D volunteers to dance because he knows how much the recital means to Nicole and he volunteers Ryan, R.J., and Maria to help him since we’re supposed to believe they were shitty to Tommy D. Also, ballet is super easy to learn so I’m sure they’ll be able to learn in no time.
Now, gentle readers, I want to pose a challenge to you. Where in the Saved by the Bell universe do you suppose a ballet recital would be held? In the auditorium? No, that would be too obvious. In the gym? Another good answer but no. In the mall? No, but that would actually be a better place than where it’s actually held.
Ballet recitals in the Saved by the Bell universe are held at The Max, of course! Why wouldn’t you dance at a place owned by a guy who keeps poultry in his pants to impress teenagers? God, I hate this show.
Screech gets all emotional in introducing the recital and dedicates it to the dying Mr. Belding. Mr. Belding tells Screech he’s a fucking idiot for not knowing what life insurance is when he’s supposed to be in his twenties at this point and no doubt has life insurance in his benefits package from Bayside. And thus ends our thrilling subplot about Screech thinking Mr. Belding is dying. It was fucking stupid.
And everyone comes together in some cluster fuck as the audience loses their shit about the boys dancing around in tights because this is the most easily impressed audience in the history of television. It fucking sucks and it’s only like two minutes, which has to be the shortest dance number in history, but they get an ovation because no one understands anything beyond kissing and the opposite gender in this universe.
Nicole’s father loves the performance and says he heard the gang has a hard on for Boyz II Men but, since they are obviously about as cultured as Saved by the Bell can get, he randomly figured they would enjoy some dancing monks better because we have to have some fake irony at the end.
Nicole tells Tommy D she’s falling for the real him and he says he loves her, too, at least until the end of this episode when she’ll never be seen or mentioned again. And our episode ends with the audience losing their shit over Tommy D and Nicole kissing, because none of them will ever feel the touch of a human being as long as they’re locked in their cages and forced to have emotional reactions to this drivel.