The New Class Season 3, Episode 14: “Fear of Falling”

vlcsnap-2015-03-21-20h07m24s16 We open with the return of KKTY, Douglas, Utah’s hottest country, who, for some reason, hired R.J. as a DJ and has taken to covering gymnastics meets for Bayside since LA gymnastics are so popular in rural Utah. Apparently they’re not so popular in LA, though, since no one is at the meet except for a sleeping nerd, not even any parents, because gymnastics sucks in this world and we need an excuse for conflict. vlcsnap-2015-03-21-20h08m21s75

I think part of the problem is that the gymnastics team raided the wardrobe department of Star Trek looking for uniforms. Seriously, these are the worst uniforms ever. The uniforms are enough to distract Westwood enough that Bayside beats them. This means they have one more game to play and, if they win, they go to the state championships in San Francisco.
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All is not well in Saved by the Bell, land, though, for Mr. Belding and Screech come in with the bad news that the writers decided to reuse a plot from last season by making the school not have enough money to go to a state championship. This time, since Bayside apparently cares rats ass about having an attractive and diverse sports program, the girls can’t go because gymnastics doesn’t make enough money for them to. Just as he did last season, the reviewer wishes to call bullshit on this plot since schools have budgets and fundraisers for such occasions, but we need some conflict so, you know, how horrible!

Oh, also the team’s coach quits for absolutely no reason because they needed a reason to include fucking Screech in this. Seriously, Mr. Belding delivers the news they can’t go to San Francisco and he just quits, not out of anger, but because he finds this plot so stupid he decided he’d rather work at an Orange Julius than continue to act on this show.vlcsnap-2015-03-21-20h10m00s50

At The Max, the girls look at the world’s worst prop menus as they discuss how bummed they are that not only can they not go to San Francisco but they also have no coach. Ryan tells them they just need to find an idiot who can step in as a token figurehead so they pick an idiot sure to interfere and cause shenanigans.vlcsnap-2015-03-21-20h10m59s120

And that person comes in and trips on thin air. See, I told you they needed an excuse to overly involve Screech.

Also, Tommy D thinks gymnastics sucks ass because he needs a subplot no one will care about.vlcsnap-2015-03-21-20h11m42s36

At Bayside, Mr. Belding doesn’t want to make Screech coach since Screech knows shit about gymnastics, though this didn’t stop Screech from being the faculty adviser for the ballet club last week, but the writers needed to fill a couple minutes. Ryan gets a guy who looks nothing like Screech to dress up in the same clothes as Screech and do some handstands. Since Mr. Belding suffers from the same inability to distinguish faces unless it’s convenient to the plot that all the rest of the characters suffers from, he believes the rouse without question and gives Screech the job. vlcsnap-2015-03-21-20h13m01s64

Ryan finds out that, if the next meet sold out, the girls would have enough money to go to San Francisco so he plots to get Ron and some random nerd extras to think gymnastics is super cool and want to bring all their friends.vlcsnap-2015-03-21-20h14m00s125

They witness Screech acting like an ass and falling on his face and decide this episode sucks and leave. vlcsnap-2015-03-21-20h14m25s120

Tommy D and some random football players come in to make fun of gymnastics and talk about how much it sucks, though this episode thus far would be enough to keep me away from the sport for life. Rachel bets Tommy D that he can’t do the same moves she can and, if he can’t, he has to be water boy for the team. Of course, Tommy D sucks ass because he can’t do basic flips and he loses without any trouble. vlcsnap-2015-03-21-20h15m47s188

Meanwhile, Lindsay falls off the balance beam in the most forced looking injury since Mr. Belding’s injury at the ski lodge last season. It’s enough to sprain Lindsay’s foot but, at The Max, we find out that it’s minor enough she’ll conveniently be able to compete in the meet this Friday.vlcsnap-2015-03-21-20h16m42s225

Also, Tommy D sucks ass as a water boy and somehow gets athletic socks that gymnasts don’t wear on his back and ass.vlcsnap-2015-03-21-20h17m33s229

At the radio station, Ryan and R.J. get the bright idea that they can increase ticket sales to the gymnastics meet by implying that Michael Jordan will be at the meet.vlcsnap-2015-03-21-20h18m06s35

There just happens to be a radio conveniently placed where all the extras can listen so they all spread the word and want to buy tickets.vlcsnap-2015-03-21-20h18m24s224

Word spreads back through time where the operator from Lassie lets the world know that Michael Jordan is coming to Bayside.vlcsnap-2015-03-21-20h18m30s35

And a bunch of people even jump out of an airplane, not because of Michael Jordan but because they’re hoping they’ll tragically die so they don’t have to be in this episode any longer.vlcsnap-2015-03-21-20h18m43s157

Even Boris Yeltsin is excited that Michael Jordan is coming to a school he’s never heard of before.vlcsnap-2015-03-21-20h18m48s212

And Bill Clinton is excited that he gets to succeed George Bush in being in a lame gag for Saved by the Bell, even if it is a stupid spin-off. Hey, it breaks up the monotony of his pending impeachment. Also, Bill Clinton apparently speaks through telepathy and not through the movement of lips like most human beings.

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Gasp! The Simpsons was right! He and Bob Dole were aliens!

At gymnastics practice, the doctor has conveniently already cleared Lindsay for practice. Suddenly, though, she can’t practice, claiming her ankle is too sore. Also, Rachel can’t get her routine right and, somehow, Tommy D now knows how to help her find her center in gymnastics despite the fact he couldn’t do a basic flip just a few minutes earlier. He helps her get her routine right.
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Mr. Belding comes in wanting to know why Boris Yeltsin and Bill Clinton want to come to a gymnastics meet at Bayside and quickly deduces that Ryan had something to do with it. Mr. Belding makes Ryan refund all the tickets and tells him he has to find a way to make kids think that gymnastics is cool on its own, which means he has to find a way to end this episode before it turns teenagers everywhere against the sport.

In the hallway, Lindsay tells Ryan she’s not going to compete at the meet. Lindsay tells Ryan she’s suddenly developed a fear of falling because plot. Yes, that’s right. One single minor injury has caused Lindsay to fear gymnastics. If Lindsay is as good as they’re making her out to be, something tells me this isn’t her first injury. I find it idiotic to believe that this would make Lindsay want to quit gymnastics, but The New Class expects all its viewers to be idiots and not pick up on how unrealistic this all is.vlcsnap-2015-03-21-20h22m36s164

Tommy D, having become a newly converted fan of gymnastics since he gets to touch the girls’ undergarments, leads a protest of the captains of all the cool sports teams saying none of them will compete unless people start supporting gymnastics. Since that would mean no more sports episodes for this show, all the extras repurchase their tickets to the gymnastics meet.

Ryan tells Screech about Lindsay’s reluctance to compete and he decides it’s time for a really stupid resolution to the episode. Also, Screech cried at the final episode of Blossom. The stupid things you find out about this show.

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Lindsay comes to Mr. Belding’s office to tell Screech she’s not competing anymore. Screech does a really bad impersonation of someone scared of chicken. He tells Lindsay he’s been scared of chicken since he nearly choked on a bone. She tells him that’s fucking stupid and suddenly realizes how stupid this whole episode has been as she watches Screech eat chicken. Yes, she sits there and watches him eat chicken.

At the meet, R.J. announces the gym is full. Maria scores a 9.5 for her routine on the balance beam.

Occasionally, there is something on this show so stupid I need to show you the video to prove it happened. This is one of those times.

Ladies and gentlemen, Screech clucking like a chicken to Ryan, because his character wasn’t creepy or annoying enough yet.

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Rachel scores a 9.75 for the routine Tommy D helped her with. She gives Tommy D a celebratory pity kiss to thank him for his help, and this naturally makes the audience lose their shit because they just wish they could have a pity kiss as well.vlcsnap-2015-03-21-20h27m58s10

It doesn’t look like Lindsay’s going to show up but then she does because no Saved by the Bell episode can end with a less than positive ending. Except “The Last Dance” and that episode sucked ass.
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Lindsay flips around for a few minutes and, though she looks no better than Rachel and Maria, she gets a perfect ten, meaning the gymnastics team advances to the state championship. And Mr. Belding announces the meet made enough money that Bayside’s arbitrary criteria for sending sports teams to San Francisco has been met.

But you know what’s been missing from both this meet and the one at the beginning of the episode? Any sign of a competing team. Yes, there’s no attempt to even make it look like Bayside is competing against anyone else! Considering how I’m sure this episode will never be referenced again, I’m assuming this is a wet dream of Screech’s because he wants to imagine the girls in skimpy clothing.
vlcsnap-2015-03-21-20h28m58s161And, if that’s the case, the ending of this episode is even more creepy as Screech looks on at Ryan and Lindsay making out because…somehow…Ryan saved the day, even though he totally didn’t…

5 responses to “The New Class Season 3, Episode 14: “Fear of Falling”

  1. We’re just over halfway through this season, and I feel like I don’t even know these characters. I suppose Ryan is the new Zack, but I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about Maria, and RJ is just…there.

    • Well, you’ll have plenty of time to get an opinion about Maria. Of the six teens that are on the show now, she’s the only one who makes it to the finale.

  2. ILovedKellyKapowski

    No one cares about RJ, they should’ve just named him “Token”.

    Ryan is the new schemer (Not-Zack Morris).
    Rachel loves to shop (Not-Lisa).
    Lindsay is the pretty girl (Not-Kelly).
    Maria is the tough girl (Not-Tori).
    And Tommy D is dumber than Joey Tribbiani, but far less likable.

    You don’t really need to get attached to these characters. Except for Maria, they’ll all be gone before the end of the series. And their replacements are not an improvement.

  3. ILovedKellyKapowski

    There IS a competing gymnastic team at the Friday meet.

    After Lindsay gives her perfect “10.0” dismount and RJ announces “A perfect score! Bayside wins!”, sitting in the far corner of the gym, you’ll see a few girls dressed like Tinkerbell. I’m pretty sure that’s the other team.

  4. ILovedKellyKapowski

    The bit where Tommy D helps out Rachel with some simple gymnastic move has got to be one of the poorest attempts at acting by Sarah Lancaster on this show. Rachel is obviously pretending she has a problem with that move, so Tommy D can conveniently help her with some stupid tip about finding her “center”.

    I wonder if the writers were trying to plant a seed for a future Tommy D-Rachel relationship? Ugh, it’s too painful to even imagine that.

    Also, the moral of this episode “you shouldn’t give up something you love just because of one scary experience” is something you’d expect from a kiddies cartoon, not a show trying to tackle serious teen issues such as anorexia or caffeine pill addiction.

    This episode is just really bad, in so many ways!

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