Monthly Archives: May 2015

Saved by the Bell Season 4, Episode 12: “Class Rings”

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We open at a senior class meeting to decide the style of class rings the students should order this year. Mr. Belding gets the eerie feeling that someone’s missing. Yes, Mr. Belding, Jessie and Kelly are missing! Why aren’t you doing anything to find them! Jessie’s the class president for Christ’s sake! She would be involved in a meeting like this!

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But, no, it’s Zack Morris and Tori he’s talking about because they were off consummating the love the writers forgot about the last few weeks.

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Ox suggests they just order the normal style with Bayside on one side and the year on the other and everyone else practically crown him king of the idiots for actually saying something intelligent rather than merely being around to make Screech look like less of an idiot by comparison.

And guess who agrees to take over as head of the ring project even though there’s no logical reason given his track record he should be trusted with anything important or that he should want to do this? No, not Screech, but that was a good answer. Our occasional resident idiot, Zack Morris!

In the hallway, after Screech makes a stupid comment about wanting to buy a second class ring for next year, Tori wants to know why Lisa is always such a bitch to Tori. Lisa’s all, “You haven’t had to deal with this fucking idiot for five years! You should pity Mr. Belding, who has to deal with his crap for another six!” Tori makes a bet with Lisa that, if she can go to the movies with Screech and not be mean to him, Lisa has to be nice to him the rest of the year.

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Zack Morris, meanwhile, convinces Melvin Nerdstrom to buy two class rings because everyone in this universe is an idiot even if they’re supposed to be smart. Wait, Melvin Nerdstrom? Wasn’t he Violet’s misogynistic ex-boyfriend? That’s…an odd choice of a character to bring back after being absent two years. Were they hoping no one would remember who he was and forget that he made Zack Morris look like a radical feminist by comparison?

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Tori, meanwhile, tells Zack Morris about her bet and Zack Morris is all, “If you want to do shit with Screech, don’t blame me when you want to gouge your eyes out!” She asks Screech out and he agrees, believing, naturally, that he’s just that desirable.

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We cut to the movies, where Zack Morris, Slater, and Lisa spy on Screech and Tori’s date as Screech gives Tori some popcorn with his “secret sauce” on it. There sure are a lot of episodes involving Screech’s secret sauce. She better make sure he wasn’t in the restroom with it. He also tells her the ending to the movie because he’s an idiot who doesn’t seem to understand that’s not desirable when seeing a movie for the first time.

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Screech also reveals he keeps mice in his pocket because all girls hate mice. But she has the self-control of an angel and doesn’t freak out once during the movie, meaning Lisa has to be nice to him the rest of the year, or at least until the plot demands different.

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At The Max, meet Gem Diamond (Get it? It’s funny because it’s a pun!), whom Zack Morris decides to buy the class rings from because men dressed as snitches from Miami Vice are totally trustworthy.

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Gem pulls out a bunch of mannequin hands with rings on them and proceeds to put on one of the worst scam pitches I’ve ever seen, but Zack Morris is an idiot in this episode so he falls for it completely, believing he got a deal on rings because Gem agrees to sell his “top” ring for $66 a ring and give Zack Morris one for free. Gem, having obviously scammed Zack Morris, goes to find Sonny Crockett and give him the down low on a drug smuggling ring.

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Screech comes in and Lisa does her best to be nice to him. He couldn’t care less, though, because he’s convinced himself that a girl being somewhat pleasant with him means she wants in his hot pants so he’s decided Tori’s in love with him.

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The gang go to tell Tori and she doesn’t believe it until Screech comes walking up with a shit ton of balloons because going on one date with a girl and then giving her balloons equals guaranteed poon tang. vlcsnap-2015-04-18-17h59m12s66

At The Max, Tori tries her best to tell Screech to go fuck himself in the nicest way possible, but everything she says he just interprets as her being madly in love with him. He decides that the way to make Tori like him is to kill his bugs, because that’s how I would interpret the line, “This just won’t work.”

Zack Morris comes in with the class rings and Slater asks whether it’s a bit fishy that Gem made the rings overnight. Well, no, I just assumed it was the usual Saved by the Bell ignorance of time constraints. If you’re going to do something crazy, though, like use actual standards of production, I guess it it kind of fishy, but Zack Morris just assumes that Gem is super dee awesome!

Zack Morris and Lisa give Tori shit for not realizing that Screech can’t be reasoned with so Tori begs Zack Morris for help.

That help involves Slater waiting in the locker room for Screech and telling him that Zack Morris is heartbroken over Screech and Tori. Zack Morris comes in and Slater tells Screech to go cheer him up since Screech is occasionally supposed to be Zack Morris’s best friend when Slater isn’t.

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Screech’s idea of cheering up Zack Morris involves making faces like you would at an easily impressed infant to make it smile. Although I’m sure the thought crossed Zack Morris’s mind, he doesn’t slap the shit out of Screech and, instead, tells him the only thing that will cheer him up is if Screech doesn’t date Tori. Screech tells him to fuck off, and right there is where Screech is a piece of shit. Remember earlier this season when he acted like a baby over Zack Morris dating Lisa and Zack Morris agreed to back off if it would make Screech happy? Yeah, Screech wasn’t even dating Lisa or had a chance with her. He won’t back off of Zack Morris’s girlfriend? Yeah, go and shove yourself up Tommy D’s asshole and die, Screech!

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In the hallway, Screech plays peek-a-boo with Tori and then makes her wear his class ring despite the fact he’s not formally asked Tori out. The sexual harassment continues!

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Lisa finds Zack Morris and tells him the ring left a green ring on her finger because, surprise, surprise, it’s fake gold. Slater, Tori, and he discover they have green rings, too, and Melvin leads a revolt of the extras who are all upset about the fake rings.

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Zack Morris calls Gem, who tries to weasel his way out of the phone call at first but then just tells Zack Morris to go fuck off because, if he was stupid enough to fall for this thing, he got what he deserved.

Zack Morris things he’s dead at first but then he comes up with a plan to wrap up both plots with one convoluted plan he shares with Slater, Tori, and Lisa.

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In a random classroom, Tori finds Screech marveling at fleas in a fake circus because fleas are such trainable animals. Tori comes in and shows Screech a green ring on her chest and tells her she’s pissed off that he’s desecrated the symbol of their love. She tells him someone needs to teach the guy who ripped off Zack Morris a lesson and, after Screech accidentally kills a flea, he decides that someone will be him since that worked out so well back in Good Morning, Miss Bliss.

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Meanwhile, Zack Morris makes a deal with Gem to become partners. The plan he has is that he will go into high schools and convince the students to buy Gem’s rings.

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While Slater randomly rips jukeboxes off the wall. Gem briefly wonders why someone he just ripped off wants to do business with him but, since we’re running short on time, he decides the idea’s brilliant because plot, and they shake hands on their deal.

But, then, Screech walks in, and…

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Oh, God, why me…

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Why the fuck me…

Oh, casual racism, your absence on Saved by the Bell has been sorely missed. Welcome back! You remind me of the good ‘ole days when Zack Morris dressed up as Arabs or Screech dressed up as Native Americans that talked like Captain Caveman. Oh, to be back in those simpler times!

Anyway, Zack Morris and Slater pretend to protect Gem but Screech easily defeats them with poor stunt moves that make the first season of Power Rangers look realistic by comparison. He then goes after Gem, who agrees to get them real rings if they’ll only let him go so he can go rip off California Dreams.

Yes, this is the episode that places Saved by the Bell and California Dreams in the same universe. Strange enough, Gem Diamond shows up in season five of California Dreams because they had need of a Miami Vice snitch to rip them off there, too. Oh, joy…

The new rings arrive another twenty-four hours later, meaning Zack Morris was probably ripped off again, and Slater is never arrested for vandalism of property at The Max because vandalism is only vandalism if we’re having a very special episode.

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Every girl at Bayside except Lisa and Tori has suddenly gone brain dead and thinks Screech is hot for dealing with Gem so they all want to fuck him now. This means that Screech doesn’t want Tori anymore because he doesn’t want to date a lesbian when he can have lots of hot straight girls.

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And our episode ends with the audience losing their shit over Zack Morris and Tori kissing after he gives her his class ring to remind us that the status quo has been reestablished, at least for half this seasons’s episodes.

Firsts: Gem Diamond.

The New Class Season 3, Episode 20: “R.J.’s Handicap”

Still no resolution to the Ryan-Lindsay break-up? No? Okay, just checking. Usually when I see the words “To Be Continued,” I expect to have a continuation of the story in a timely matter, but this is The New Class so it’s my fault for expecting them to make sense.

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No, instead, we’re starting an arc of episodes on board a boat because if there’s anything that says Saved by the Bell to me, it’s a boat.

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Our gang’s on a boat for two months for a “semester at seas.” They claim the boat is the S.S. Morning Starr, but I’ll be referring to it as the S.S. Suspension of Disbelief. Although does this mean that Suite Life on Deck copied off The New Class? If so, that’s just sad.

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We join our gang, who are excited to be on a boat, especially Maria, who’s already oogling a sailor who’s way too old to date a high school student.

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Mr. Belding and Screech join the non-stop excitement.

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Screech suggests they get a photo of Mr. Belding with the students and I guess at least this time they brought along some extras to make it look legitimate and not like the school principal is taking the same six kids around the world all the time. Speaking of which, how did a school principal manage to convince the school board to let him go with a bunch of teenagers on a boat for two months? Oh, well, I guess anything’s possible on the S.S. Suspension of Disbelief!

Also, Screech falls overboard while trying to take the photo. You know, if this arc results in the drowning death of Screech, it might not be so bad after all!

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The next morning, Mr. Belding briefs the gang on why they’re on the boat when Screech decides to harass a random old woman whom he believes is a student. Two issues: Screech has no concept of relative age and Screech doesn’t seem to have a grasp of who the students are they brought along. Why did Mr. Belding bring him on this trip again?

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While the rest of the gang go to enjoy swimming and shit on their fifteen minute break before class, R.J. tries to impress a random girl he meets named Carla. Since R.J. is quite incompetent at life, he doesn’t know how to sit in a chair and repeatedly trips over stuff. We do find out R.J.’s real name is Ronald Joseph because I guess that’s supposed to be funny and embarrassing like Slater’s real first name despite the fact it seems like a relatively normal name given that I know multiple people named both Ronald and Joseph. They agree to meet later to talk about mutual attraction and plot points.

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Nobody wants to be in class so Ryan, for the second time this season, convinces Mr. Belding that something physical is occurring when it’s quite obvious nothing’s happening. Yes, the entire class, extras included, act like the boat is rocking when it’s obvious they aren’t moving and Mr. Belding buys it and becomes sickened by Screech randomly bringing in a tray of liver and onions. He dismisses the class as he goes off to throw up because he’s the most easily impressed person in the world.

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On deck, Maria sees her hot sailor again and, despite the fact she practically puts her breast in his ear, he doesn’t notice her at all because, for once, someone’s setting appropriate boundaries with minors in the Saved by the Bell universe. But Ryan believes he can get the sailor to ask Maria to the dance, leading Lindsay into one of the worst attempts at fake laughing I’ve seen in my life.

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R.J. finds Carla and whispers sweet nothings about love at first sight. They take a Cosmopolitan love quiz together and R.J. asks Carla to the bon voyage dance Friday night, because, even the S.S. Suspension of Disbelief needs a dance to nicely wrap up the episode in a bow.

The rest of the gang come over and meet Carla. Tommy D suggests Maria asks Carla how to get a date and Lindsay smacks him upside the head. This doesn’t fit into the plot in any way but it’s just very satisfying to see Tommy D suffer physically.

The gang ask Carla to play ping pong with them and…

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…oh…it’s going to be that sort of episode. Yay for ripping off the plot of “Teen Line.” Of course, R.J.’s instantly freaked out by a wheelchair though the rest of the gang seems to be taking it fairly well.

After a commercial break, we join the gang in their cabin as they discuss how lucky they are they weren’t born with any ailments that would put them in a wheelchair and make douches like Zack Morris and R.J. treat them differently. They think R.J.’s great for dating a girl in a wheelchair but R.J.’s just counting down how many episodes he has left on this show.

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On deck, Screech decides to try and teach a PE class but almost immediately throws his volleyball overboard. Oh, S.S. Suspension of Disbelief, you’re just a magical place where anything’s possible!

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Ryan puts his plan into motion to get the sailor to ask Maria out. He and Tommy D pretend like they’re fighting over Maria in front of the sailor. She says she doesn’t want either of them because she already has her eye on someone else. It actually seems like it’s going to work as the sailor’s appropriate boundaries begin to break down.

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But Tommy D suddenly forgets he’s acting and starts demanding a little bit of Maria action, which is why you never involve Tommy D in anything you want to be successful.

Carla comes in and the gang invite her to go swimming with them. She agrees to go when R.J. says he’ll help her into the water while making it sound like a chore that he would dare have to help someone he likes.

In the classroom, everyone’s relaxed but then they realize they forgot to do their biology projects that were just barely mentioned. Ryan comes up with a plan to fool the world’s two dumbest educators.

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The gang run around the room looking for  their poisonous “giant flying vampire crab.” Naturally, since Screech is a complete dumb ass, he buys it without any thought and his ineffectual leadership leads to chaos in the room. Mr. Belding comes in and the chaos continues as he dismisses the class to go look for imaginary animals. Why again does the school board trust these two to take a group of teenagers on a boat for two months?

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On deck, Carla finally decides to acknowledge R.J.’s standoffishness. Carla’s all, “You don’t want to take me to the dance because I’m in a wheelchair!” because that’s the only explanation for why R.J. could be distant. Yeah, she was right, but it sounds like she’s sort of insecure about her disability if that’s the first conclusion she comes to for every negative emotion.

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Maria decides she should have just been honest with the sailor to begin with so she decides to go ask him out. She does just that and, good lord, I’ve found the worst sounds known to humanity…

Good lord, that voice makes Gilbert Gottfried seem like a serene sound bird by comparison. I’d rather listen to a Yoko Ono song sung by William Hung than ever hear that man talk again. The voice of Kermit the Frog and the Alvin the Chipmunk’s love baby would be more tolerable than this. I’d rather listen to John Kerry do a Mr. Smith Goes to Washington style filibuster than hear that man. Bjork, on her worst days, sounds better than this.

I think what I’m trying to say is I find him very displeasing to listen to.

Carla says hi to the gang for the sole purpose of being cold to R.J. in front of the rest of them. Ryan figures out something’s up and R.J. tells him he broke the date because of disability. Ryan’s all, “Anyone would have trouble accepting a wheelchair.

Now this is where I have a problem. Maybe I’m just exceptionally enlightened but I wouldn’t have a problem at all dating an attractive and intelligent person who happened to be in a wheelchair. Is this really a thing? Are people really so vain that they’d let something like a disability choose who they would consider romantically?

Unfortunately, I have a feeling the answer is yes and that, for once, The New Class is closer to being accurate than I wish it was. As for R.J., he decides he’s been a jackass and that it’s time to make up with Carla.

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No time for that, though. Mr. Belding and Screech put on their best retarded faces as they’ve realized they’re the second and third biggest idiots on the ship. They ground the gang to their cabins instead of letting them go to the dance to teach them a valuable lesson about tricking those stupider than you, right after they proceed to trick Tommy D into thinking there’s a giant flying vampire crab in his chair just because it’s funny to see Tommy D trying to deal with life.

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In their cabin, the gang mope around and R.J. bemoans the fact he won’t be able to apologize to Carla. Ryan gets the idea, though, that, if they do their project, maybe Mr. Belding will let them go to the dance and we can finally wrap up all these plot points.

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This involves them getting food for the galley and doing a project on the food chain of fish, which sounds like it’s age appropriate for first graders. Since we’re running out of time, though, Mr. Belding accepts their project and lets them stay for the rest of the dance.

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Awful Voice finds Maria and starts talking but Maria tells him he’d prefer if he just pretended he was in bed with her right now and shut his damned fucking mouth before she rips out his vocal chords. And thus ends our “Maria wants to go to the dance with a horrible sounding sailor” subplot.

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R.J. finds Carla and apologizes for treating her like shit. She forgives him instantly since we’re running out of time. They dance…

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…and our episode ends with the audience losing their shit because R.J. decides he only has one chance to kiss Carla so he better make it good.

Firsts: S.S. Morning Starr, R.J.’s first name (Ronald Joesph).

Saved by the Bell Season 4, Episode 11: “Love Machine”

Now here’s something weird. The opening theme for this episode is the one from some of the early season three episodes where it was the new version of the theme over the pictures from season two. That’s weird. I wonder why they would choose to use this theme?

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So we open to discover that, among Mr. Tuttle’s many talents, is the ability to be a science teacher. My god, as many subjects as this man is qualified to teach, he must have been in school forever! But he’s still determined to make an honest man out of Zack Morris, who’s not taking science projects seriously.

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Now this is funny. These are two of our nerds from seasons two and three. They haven’t shown up in season four yet. I wonder why they’re suddenly here making stupid contraptions like a bug zapper that fits over your mouth for convenient cycling…vlcsnap-2015-04-16-22h00m20s107

Kelly and Screech made a “love machine,” a contraption that can tell if you have feelings for someone. Number one, more unbelievable than Kevin the Robot. Just no. Number two, can we use it on Screech and Mr. Belding? It might solve a few questions over why Screech suddenly shows back up at Bayside in a couple years.vlcsnap-2015-04-16-22h00m53s179

Slater’s paired up with an extra because Lisa accidentally got locked in the basement with Tori this week. They’ve invented roller blades with gas powered rockets on them, which seem quite dangerous prospects to wear. I think the writers have been watching too much Inspector Gadget.

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But there’s time for stuff that won’t have anything else to do with the plot because Mr. Belding comes in to introduce the class to a new student: Jennifer Wade. Zack Morris thinks she’s hot and fuckable but Slater seems a bit shy about her. Turns out she’s his girlfriend from Germany.

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Mr. Belding asks Kelly and Jessie if Jennifer can have Lisa’s spot in the gang until they figure out what’s become of her, or until the episode is over, whichever comes first. Jennifer’s dad is in the army and she’s never gone to school in the states so she needs some good ‘ole girls to teach her the American way. Beverly Hills 90210 marathon it is.

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Screech proceeds to let Jennifer know he’s the village idiot by doing really bad sign language for her, believing she doesn’t speak English despite the fact she speaks perfect English and even has an American accent. Can was create one of Sarah Palin’s death panels just for him? It would solve everyone a lot of trouble.

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Zack Morris and Slater peek around the corner at Jennifer as Slater says that he and Jennifer never really broke up before he moved to LA. Okay, no big deal. Slater might actually be able to have a romance this season. But…Zack Morris says that means Slater has two girlfriends, and Slater doesn’t want Jessie to find out about Jennifer…

Wait a minute…third season opening theme…second and third season nerds…Jessie and Slater dating…this is a fucking out of season episode, isn’t it? And this one is strange at that! In the past, all our out of season episodes were either nonsensical and obvious they were aired out of season (like “Close Encounters of the Nerd Kind” and “The Babysitters”) or subtle and integrated well enough it wasn’t obvious (like “The Last Dance” and “The Aftermath”). I want to know: how confused were people on the original airing of this when suddenly Slater and Jessie were dating again?  I mean, I’m immersed enough in this show now that I recognize when this shit is happening, but, in a season constantly alternating between Kelly/Jessie and Tori, this had to have been confusing as hell on its original airing…

Slater’s plan to lay low from Jennifer is soon ruined when Kelly and Jessie call them over. Jennifer immediately recognizes her Albert Clifford, and we get Slater’s full first name for the first time. Weird thing is, the gang’s known Slater for three years and none of them know his first name, not even Jessie. If my girlfriend didn’t know my first name, even if I didn’t often use it, I might be looking for a new girlfriend.

Slater explains that he and Jennifer lived next door to each other. Zack Morris suggests that they get to know each other over lunch but Jessie and Kelly have to conveniently go to student council so the guys take Jennifer to The Max instead while Screech continues to be a dumb ass.

At The Max, Zack Morris told Screech about this whole situation for some reason because we know from experience that Screech can be trusted with secrets. Slater comes in wearing a shirt from West Berlin to impress Jennifer and is about to shoo off Zack Morris and Screech so he can have some alone time with Jennifer when Kelly and Jessie walk in. Turns out Jessie injured another student and Mr. Belding so she could go to lunch so now we can spill some shit.

They dance around the relationships until Screech finally just blurts out in the most awkward way possible that Slater and Jessie are dating. Jennifer suddenly lost her appetite that she had to find out about this development from the person who will one day make his family proud by collecting cats and mumbling incoherently about the pain his pot holder is going through, so she leaves before this gets any more awkward.

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Back at Bayside, Screech tries the love machine on a jar of peanut butter and a jar of jelly and finds them incompatible, because that’s a totally scientific experiment…

Meanwhile, Zack Morris and Jessie want to test their experiment, a miniature listening device built into a pen. They send Screech out in the hall with the pen where, of course, he finds Slater and Jennifer commiserating over their relationship.

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Slater takes the pen from Jennifer so he can write down Jennifer’s number and proceeds to say as many incriminating things as possible so Jessie can hear and freak out. Jessie reacts mature enough by declaring it’s time to murder Slater.

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In Zack Morris’s room, Slater freaks out because of the pain his he-man girlfriend is sure to soon give him while Zack Morris is apparently concerned enough to play Nerf ball in the background. Slater can’t decide whether he really wants to be with Jessie or Jennifer. Zack Morris tries to steer Slater towards the girl he doesn’t want to fuck, but there’s no winning. Slater gets the idea that Zack Morris needs to date Jennifer so she won’t be a threat to Jessie anymore.

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Naturally, when Jessie finds Slater, she handles the situation with a certain poised demeanor we’ve come to expect from her. Slater assures her that he only wanted Jennifer’s phone number so he could tell her the truth and she buys his bullshit story enough to let him go. She doesn’t trust him enough, though, since her thing is always jealousy so she asks Zack Morris to go on a date with Jennifer so she can test whether Slater is really over her or not.

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The school dunce finds Jennifer, though, and randomly tells her the full plan because he’s a fucking moron who needs to be neutered to prevent unwanted pregnancy.

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On their date, Zack Morris immediately starts acting as you’d expect from her, hoping that this will finally be the night he loses he cursed virginity. Zack Morris even asks Jennifer to meet his pickle, or something like that. They start dancing casually and that seems to constitute first base in this universe.

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The minute Jessie goes to poo, Slater cuts in and gets jealous that Zack Morris asked Jennifer to walk on the beach with him, because that might lead to some skinny dipping if we know Zack Morris well!

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In class, it’s time to show off the projects and Jessie gets Mr. Tuttle to choose Zack Morris and Jennifer to test the love machine. Oh, they’re very compatible! Things are getting hot up in here!vlcsnap-2015-04-16-22h17m08s199

This is enough for Slater, who flies into jealous and grabs Zack Morris’s handle on the love machine, which declares his compatibility with Jennifer to be “Wow”. Wow, indeed. Slater blurts out that Zack Morris is stealing his girlfriend, and Jessie runs out.

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In the locker room, Jessie takes this news about as well as can be expected, taking her anger out on lockers and shit. Kelly tells Jessie she needs to let Slater go on a date with Jennifer so they’ll know if they still have feelings for one another, and Jessie’s all, “But I love him, at least until we break up later this year because I have feelings for another guy!”

In the hallway, Slater finds Jessie and tries to apologize but Jessie tells him to go on a date with Jennifer and decide what he wants.

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So they go to the folding chair theater to see the new Mel Gibson film, which, for this year, is probably The Man Without a Face. Not a bad film but it’s not exactly date material, especially when you’re trying to figure out if you like someone or not.

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Naturally, we can’t let Slater and Jennifer just figure things out for themselves s we need Zack Morris and Jessie to dress up like really bad old people in order to spy on them.

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And, oh, Zack Morris is a girl, again! He just loves dressing in drag, doesn’t he? Zack Morris and Jessie briefly freak Slater and Jennifer the fuck out over their intrusive behavior. Since no one in the Saved by the Bell universe has facial recognition capabilities, Slater and Jennifer don’t recognize them.

Slater and Jennifer proceed to argue over where they like to sit in the theater and whether they prefer real names or nicknames and whether Mel Gibson or Kevin Costner is hotter, but all Zack Morris and Jessie see is Jennifer giving Slater a neck massage, which is like third base.

Zack Morris and Jessie end up back at The Max, where they each believe they’ve lost a loved one. Slater and Jennifer come in looking for them and are shocked by the great disguises that fooled them for like the thousandth time. Slater and Jennifer say they’ve decided to just be friends since Jennifer’s not attracted to Mel Gibson anymore due to his deformed face and her psychic ability to predict his future religious fanaticism.  Slater declares his  love Jessie for most of the rest of the season this episode should have aired in.

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And our episode ends with Zack Morris asking Jennifer out to the movies since she thinks drag is terribly sexy. And just in time because Zack Morris has to get home and let Tori and Lisa out of the basement for next week’s episode!

Firsts: Slater’s first and middle names (Albert Clifford).

The New Class Season 3, Episode 19: “Screech’s Dream”

In case you were hoping for the thrilling conclusion of the ripoff moving plot from last week’s episode, you will be sorely disappointed…for a while. All I can say is this episode better not involve a threesome with Mr. Belding and Lisa…

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No, it’s another stupid clip show episode all about how awesome Screech is. Okay, realism out the window. We open with Screech writing a report for Cal U about his time at Bayside. Mr. Belding comes in and gives him the assignment to file some folders and check on the chalk in the classrooms…as you do with an administrative assistant…and Screech resents he’s being made to do some actual work instead of just following whatever the plot of the week demands. He feels like he’s a loser, which is some incredible introspection for him of such depth I didn’t think he was capable of.

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He puts on a funny face, and suddenly we’re transported to a mysterious land…

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…where Mr. Belding wears white suits because he’s an angel! No, seriously this is their bad ripoff of It’s a Wonderful Life. It’s 2015, twenty years in the future. Screech has been sleeping for twenty years and an internet reviewer exists to tear apart all the inconsistencies of one of the worst shows of all time, including the fact that they’re not even trying to make him look like he’s aged.

So Angel Belding’s plan is to show Screech the gang one by one along with clips from relevant episodes that show Screech made a difference in their lives. And none of the gang have aged, either, because the make-up artist was all, “Fuck this shit,” this week.

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We have R.J., who’s become a rock star and movie star because Screech saved him from the unscrupulous agent. Ah, fast and loose interpretation of the clips I see. Actually, if you remember, it was Ryan and Maria who saved him from the unscrupulous agent. Screech only went along with their plan so Screech did jack shit to help R.J.

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Then there’s Maria, who became an Olympic gold gymnast because Screech taught her not to be afraid of one setback. Nah, that was a stupid episode all around and she would have gotten over it herself.

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Ryan married Lindsay and had two kids, Screech and Screechina, and a dog named Little Belding, and it’s all because Screech taught them to get along when the Valley kids came to Bayside and no one liked them. Uh, given the events of the last episode, Screcch must be hallucinating right now because I don’t think Ryan and Lindsay are going to marry after she dumped him. So, once again, Screech does jack shit that matters.

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Tommy D became a rocket scientist, and you can tell because of his glasses and white jacket. And it’s all because Screech convinced him not to drop out of school. Uh, first, that was Mr. Belding’s plan with Tommy D’s father. Second, Tommy D will become a rocket scientist around the time Justin Bieber becomes a good musician.

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Maria became a race car driver because Screech taught her to be a responsible driver. Uh, actually he taught you that begging can convince your teacher to raise your grade and lead to you being in an accident, so Screech actually harmed you here. And Rachel became Miss America because Screech had an inappropriate relationship with her in the prom episode. If you tell me she married Screech, I’m ending this review right here.

So, after all this, Screech now has a big head. Angel Belding shows Screech some of the times he’s messed up to make up for it, like the time he had Tommy D and Bobby hit Mr. Belding in the face with pies, or the time he had James the Actor pretend to give Mr. Belding an award. Exactly! Screech is stupid and incompetent! Fire him now!

All this leads to what happened to Screech.

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Why, he became principal of course, because you don’t need a teaching degree or an administrative degree, experience, or apparently even consciousness in the Saved by the Bell universe to become a principal. No, fuck all that shit! All you really need is an audience gullible enough to throw all believability to the wind and accept whatever half baked story Hollywood’s worst writers throw at them. Also, if he was asleep for twenty years, how could he become principal? This episode can’t even be bothered to be consistent about its plot, if that’s what you want to call this framing story. God I hate this show…

So all this episode has convinced me of is that Screech is a fucktard and that the editors are good at taking clips and splicing them together out of context to try and make Screech look good.

Screcch wakes up and realizes it was all a dream, which means he somehow fell asleep with his eyes open and a stupid look on his face. Maybe Johnny Dakota came back and gave him some bad mushrooms which lead to a hallucination. It would be better than this stupidity. He realizes how important the show wants us to believe he is and finishes his report to Cal U.

vlcsnap-2015-04-13-08h25m46s163And our episode ends with the sad realization that this show isn’t getting better anytime soon…

Saved by the Bell Season 4, Episode 10: “Drinking and Driving”

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Ah, it’s homecoming time again at Bayside which means that, since Kelly’s locked in Zack Morris’s basement again this week, Lisa’s running for homecoming queen. She’s getting an A in sucking up, too, as she even says Tori’s outfit is great, which you know is a damned dirty lie.

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Meanwhile, as captain of the football team, Slater tries to organize a party for the seniors, but the brain trust he’s assembled wouldn’t be able to figure out that Clark Kent is really Superman.

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Lisa makes a grand entrance complete with Tori throwing confetti and shit in order to litter The Max and make working conditions unsafe for the employees there. Turns out that, in one scene, she’s been elected homecoming queen because we don’t have time for once to deal with a stupid plot that goes nowhere. No, it’s a very special episode so we’ve got much more important things to talk about.

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But first Slater has to figure out what to do about his dumb ass teammates who can’t even seem to remember they’re present to plan a party. Tori makes a smart ass comment about them being animals and, therefore, needing to rip off Animal House and have a toga party. The dimwits hear Tori and think it’s a great idea so…vlcsnap-2015-04-12-20h49m16s50

Let’s just go directly there to the party at Ox’s house, where Ox wans to smash his own belongings because that’s a good idea. Is he trying to compete with Screech for biggest dumb ass award?

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And Zack Morris has his standards set high tonight as he’s trying to arrange a nice threesome with a couple lady friends, which Tori has to make a disgusted frowny face about.

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One of the football players brings in a bunch of beer and they proceed to peer pressure Zack Morris, Slater, and Lisa into drinking some of it because the extras have decided it’s time for our gang to act like real teenagers instead of Peter Engel’s interpretation of Leave it to Beaver. Also, despite resisting Johnny Dakota’s temptations last season, this season they’ve turned into the most easily influenced teenagers in the world. They proceed to get mildy intoxicated while the extras stumble around as the director thinks they would if they were wasted. Tori says she’s had enough of this stupid acting and is going home.

Lisa decides she needs to get home and get some beauty sleep before her coronation. Her parents have randomly left their Mercedes in Lisa’s posession while they’re out of town but she’s feeling too drunk to drive. Zack Morris, on the other hand, feels just fine.vlcsnap-2015-04-12-20h52m40s55

And you can probably guess the rest. They’re just cruising along, singing a Troggs song really poorly, which means that the producers have spent their budget on actual songs for the rest of the series. Zack Morris decides to lean over the back seat and try to give Slater a blowjob, causing them to run into a telephone pole. And, no kidding, the effect is the exact same one as when Lisa crashed Mr. Belding’s car in “Wicked Stepbrother, Part 1.”

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They wake Tori up to come rejoin the plot and give them money to tow the car to Zack Morris’s house, where Slater says it’ll probably cost a lot to fix because he has a feeling the writers are going to need to introduce some conflict to show why it sucks to drink and drive.

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But they wake up someone else, Derek Morris, who’s decided to grace us with another appearance in order to buy a stupid story from the gang that a cat ran out in front of them and so that he’ll be around later to give a nice preachy wrap up to the whole thing. He says it’s fine but he’ll call Lisa’s parents to let them know what happened and that she’s fine.

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Lisa can’t let Derek know her parents are out of town because then he’d know that, as practically an adult, she’s home alone! Oh no! So she calls him first and does a really bad impersonation of her mom’s voice so that he’ll instantly buy the bullshit and know that Lisa’s parents have been informed.

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The next day, they’re naturally totally hung over from a little bit of beer. Even on my twenty-first birthday when I drank a shit ton of beer, I didn’t get this drunk. It’s like the writers have never been drunk themselves…

Slater comes in and gives the bad news that Lisa’s mom’s car will cost $1,000 to fix, but they can get by with $500 if they can steal a water pump from the auto shop. That steal leaves a lot of money to be raised and Zack Morris has the perfect plan to raise it. But, what do they need a water pump for? The damage to the car looked mostly aesthetic and relatively not too bad. Um, contrivance anyone?

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Meet Sylvester. Now the plan is stupid and involves Sylvester paying $120 to have a brief message to a girl he likes stiched to Slater’s jersey during the homecoming game. It’s idiotic so of course Sylvester goes for it. The more important thing, though, is that Sylvester complicates matters for those of you who have been arguing in the comments that the Tori episodes are in an alternate dimension. See, Sylvester made exactly four appeareances: two in Tori episodes and two in Kelly/Jessie episodes. So I content that my theory that Zack Morris is locking Kelly and Jessie in his basement is correct because nah nah na boo boo!

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Lisa, meanwhile, calls her mother in order to establish that Mrs. Turtle will have a role in the end of episode shaming as well.

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Of course, they entrust the stupidest member of the gang with stealing a water pump and, when he encounters Mr. Belding, he ends up telling a fantastic story.

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The story he tells, and this is not an embelishment on my part, is that a truckload of bananas spilled all over the freeway. Also, some monkkeys apparently died. This somehow justifies Screech stealing a water pump as Mr. Belding doesn’t seem to mind the thievery at all.

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Also, Slater managed to hurt his shoulder in the car accident so he can’t play in the homecoming game. Are we actually going to see consequences of the gang’s actions?!?!?! Mr. Belding also believes it was the result of hard practice and shit.

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Lisa is crowned homecoming queen at The Max, of course, and her mother comes to watch  her crowned.  Mr. Belding says a bunch of shit about Lisa being honest and shit, anything to make her feel guilty, and no one seems to believe the football team can win without Slater. My biggest question, though, is: who is this random cheerleader that crowned Lisa? Is she on call just in case Kelly and Jessie get locked in Zack Morris’s basement again? Also, since Slater can’t play in the game, Sylvester takes Zack Morris’s phone as a refund for the message his girl won’t see.

Slater and Tori fixed the car during lunch so it’s all ready for them to go to Zack Morris’s house and pick up. But, when they get there, the car won’t start, probably because Slater and Tori went fiddling around under the engine for aesthetic problems, leading to Slater making up some bullshit about needing to unclog something or another in order to buy them time.
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And they would have gotten away with it, too, if not for the appearence of a random Derek Morris. Derek reveals the accident and the pieces of their lies soon start to unravel. Mrs. Turtle tells Lisa it’s time to go home so she can beat the ever loving shit out of her daughter for being a part of such a cliched plot. Also, Lisa doesn’t get to participate in homecoming. CONSEQUENCES! Derek tells Slater to go home and tell his father about the accident before he calls the major.

vlcsnap-2015-04-12-21h10m30s12After they leave, Derek wonders where he went wrong with Zack Morris. Oh, if only he hadn’t killed Miss Bliss’s Peter and replaced him as Zack Morris’s father! Derek tells Zack Morris this whole thing was stupid because he shouldn’t have been trying to orally stimulate Slater while driving to begin with, and he grounds Zack Morris and takes away his car. And our episode ends with Derek assuring Zack Morris he’s doing all this so Zack Morris will learn not to do stupid things that could potentially get him hurt which, spoiler alert, he will never stop doing.

As far as very special episodes on this series goes, this was not the worst they’ve ever done. It’s not a very good anti-drinking episode, but it gets its point across and it’s not overly preachy. It could be worse: we could be comparing caffeine pills to cocaine again!

Firsts: Sylvester.

The New Class Season 3, Episode 18: “Lindsay’s Dilemma”

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We open at the ski lodge. Yeah, it’s the exact same set as last season, the one that five members of our cast were present for, but the writers hope you don’t remember that because this time it’s owned by Screech’s grandfather, Ernie Powers, who they try to pass off as being as bat shit crazy as Screech. Funny how he can’t pull it off, even while trying. Also, it’s quite clear that the one thing that would have made last season’s shitty ski lodge episodes complete was Screech’s grandfather. Oh, if only they’d known then.

They’re there for the ski club’s Christmas trip, and, apparently only our gang are members of this club. At least last season’s ski lodge episodes brought Ron and some other extras along. This one…isn’t even trying to look legitimate. It’s like the producers were like, “Hell, there’s no possible way they’ll renew us for a fourth season so why even try!” Screech introduces the gang to his grandfather and randomly tells him Tommy D won’t be there for a few days because he’s taking make-up exams, as if Screech’s grandfather knows who Tommy D is. I guess the legend of Tommy D’s stupidity has spread far and wide through this universe. We also discover Screech obsesses over Mr. Belding and talks about him all the time. I think Mr. Belding needs to watch out lest he become a victim in this web of ickiness.

Mr. Belding suggests they get settled in and Ernie quickly puts on a stereotypical bellboy hat in order to help them. Turns out he had to let the old bellboy go due to declining business after the opening of Royal Crest Resort, a new ski resortwhose sole purpose in life seems to be to make Ernie’s life hard. Also, there’s no snow at a ski lodge on a mountain meaning Ernie must have picked the worst spot to set up a ski lodge and that his financial problems are partly his own damned fault.vlcsnap-2015-04-11-14h01m23s80

Meanwhile, Ryan and Lindsay do what they do best: put on public displays of affection while the audience loses its shit. And since this episode expects me to give a damn about Ryan and Lindsay’s relationship, let me just say that, in this history of this franchise, I find this to be the most unbelievable relationship they’ve ever presented. The only thing we ever see Ryan and Lindsay do together that friends couldn’t do is kiss. We get no character building episodes around their relationship and it’s easy to forget half the time they’re supposed to be a couple. Fuck, I hate to say it but she and Tommy D had better chemistry…

After Lindsay leaves, Ryan shows R.J. a pendant he’s planning on giving Lindsay because they’re super serious and will be together forever. I’m sure this in no way foreshadows relationship difficulty within the next twenty minutes…
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In the restaurant, the gang find the food undigestible since Ernie’s old cook left to go to the new ski resort, leaving Ernie to be the cook, but Rachel and Maria find the waiter and sole remaining employee of the lodge, Greg, very digestible. They instantly decide they want his hot man chowder in them.vlcsnap-2015-04-11-14h06m05s75

Also, Ernie nearly sets the kitchen on fire because, if you haven’t figured it out yet, he sucks at life.

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Rachel and Maria continue oogling that hot piece of Greg that keeps wondering around but neither want to talk to him so Lindsay does it for them. Yeah, because telling a guy your friends like him makes them look so good. Lindsay finds out Greg is loyal to Ernie until the end because Ernie paid a year’s tuition to college for him and that he wants to teach inner city kids and shit. Greg thinks it’s a shame that Lindsay has a boyfriend because, if he’s going to be charged with statutory rape, he’d love to do it with Lindsay. Ryan comes in and kisses Lindsay right after since kissing is their thing, and the audience loses their shit again. God, the audience is easily impressed this episode.vlcsnap-2015-04-11-14h08m20s150

Mr. Belding comes out and introduces the musical act, Ernie and Screech, and it’s one of the worst musical numbers I’ve ever heard on this show. That’s really saying something. It’s so bad the rest of the guests all simultaneously decide to leave and go to the ski resort because staying at a place owned by Screech’s relatives can only lead to trouble.

Ernie decides it’s time to admit it’s over. He’ll cancel the guests due to arrive tomorrow morning and shut down.

In the kitchen, Lindsay and Greg flirt over whipped cream and peanut butter and remind the audience Lindsay has a boyfriend and this will probably lead to conflict, in case the audience are idiots and couldn’t figure it out for himself. Ryan comes in and suggests they do something to help Ernie.vlcsnap-2015-04-11-14h10m22s86

Man, business must be really bad if they can’t even afford ink pens! The gang come in and tell Ernie not to cancel the next batch of guests. They’re going to work for Ernie because a temporary Band-aid of free teenage labor is going to solve all Ernie’s problems. Also, Lindsay gets to work in the kitchen with Greg because she got an A in home ec so that obviously makes her an expert in cooking.vlcsnap-2015-04-11-14h11m47s180

The new guests arrive and immediately wonder why there’s no snow at a snow lodge. Ryan deflects their question, and sends them to the front desk, where Rachel magically knows what room each guest is in before they even open their mouths. Guess she picked up a few pointers from the Psychic Friends Network. R.J.’s a bellboy, and Mr. Belding is assistant manager to Screech’s general manager because we needed a randomly unhappy Mr. Belding.vlcsnap-2015-04-11-14h13m08s209

Meanwhile, in the kitchen, things heat up between Lindsay and Greg as they bond over  tuna casserole, because tuna casseroles get me in the mood for hot fucking. They hug, and the audience loses their shit, because hugging is like second base or some shit.vlcsnap-2015-04-11-14h13m32s177

R.J. flirts with old women and Mr. Belding gets pissed off that Screech has him bussing tables. Oh, the excitement just builds.

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The dinner is a success and Ryan tells Lindsay and Greg to take a break so they can get to know each other even better, which means they both admit they like th other and kiss. Lindsay’s all, “[Insert forced conflicted feelings here]!” They kiss and the audience is really going to lose their voices if they keep losing their shit like this every few minutes.vlcsnap-2015-04-11-14h15m05s91

Ryan comes out and gives Lindsay the pendant, oblivious to the fact she’s being so distant because he obviously never saw the episode of Saved by the Bell this is ripping off to know what’s coming next.

Screech and Ryan do the opening announcements but the guests are pissed off there’s still no snow. That infernal ski resort has brought in a snow machine so they’re all going to randomly go there the next day.
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In the girls’ bedroom, Rachel and Maria practically wet themselves when they find out Greg likes someone in the gang but, when Lindsay tells them it’s her and that she likes him back, they’re all, “You’ve got to tell Ryan immediately! You’re not allowed to like another guy while simultaneously dating one guy!” vlcsnap-2015-04-11-14h19m40s17

Ryan’s plan to keep the guests at the lodge, meanwhile, is to spray paint every window in the building with fake snow to make it look like a blizzard came and snowed them in. The idea is that real snow is coming in forty-eight hours so they need to keep the guests there long enough for real snow to come. They also super glued the windows shut so the guests can’t find out the truth. Oh, there’s a million ways this can go wrong.vlcsnap-2015-04-11-14h20m35s94

When Mr. Belding tries to open the door to find out for himself, a blast of fake snow comes blowing at him. One, how could they afford a giant fan and fake snow. Two, how can Mr. Belding not see hat everything else is green outside?

But everyone in this universe is an idiot so they all believe Ryan and no one thinks to open the door again. So the gang throw a winter party to entertain the guests.vlcsnap-2015-04-11-14h21m19s245

Fun activities include cups of hot chocolate and taking pictures behind cardboard snowmen. Boy, no one knows how to throw a party like Saved by the Bell! Mr. Belding and Screech have an argument in which they accidentally push the patio doors open and the guests see there’s not really any snow. Geez, that rouse lasted about a minute.

Ryan admits what they did and that Ernie knew nothing about this scheme but the guests rarely have human contact and think this is all fun so they’re going to stay anyway because we need a forced happy ending before our forced sad ending.vlcsnap-2015-04-11-14h22m21s107

And, at that very moment, it starts snowing. Oh, it’s a winter non-miracle!vlcsnap-2015-04-11-14h23m11s97

Lindsay tells Ryan the truth and give him back the pendant. Ryan gets understandably pissed that Lindsay can’t articulate what she likes about Greg more than him, especially considering no one can really articulate why they liked each other to begin with other than both were there and available. Ryan storms off, pissed off, and Lindsay can’t believe Ryan won’t talk to her after she just dumped him for another guy. Our episode ends with those three words that mean I’m going to have to suffer through another twenty-one minutes of idiocy in what will, no doubt, be another rip off of the Zack Morris and Kelly break-up.vlcsnap-2015-04-11-14h23m43s164

Firsts: Grandpa Ernie Powers, Greg.

Saved by the Bell Season 4, Episode 9: “Wrestling with the Future”

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We open at The Max, where Zack Morris is hard at work interviewing Slater about being named the city wrestling champion after beating Valley’s unnamed star. Slater’s all, “Of course I beat him! I’m Slater!”vlcsnap-2015-04-10-16h57m53s241

And the girls each want to sleep with him now, especially Kelly and Jessie, who have been released from Zack Morris’s basement for good behavior after three long weeks, and they even doing a cheer about how he loves his father. Yeah, I really think the writers of this were never teenagers. Also, I guess the body last week must have been Violet’s instead. After all, we never found out what happened to her either.

But, yeah, next week is conveniently the state championship and everyone’s confident Slater will be victorious because that’s the way it always works in the Saved by the Bell universe.vlcsnap-2015-04-10-16h59m33s220

After randomly having her ass checked out by Screech and called “mama,” Jessie reveals she only rejoined the cheerleaders because it looks good on college applications. Um, you’re the eternal class president. I’m sure that counts for a little something. Jessie says colleges don’t usually let people know if they’ve been admitted until next week, but Screech tells her she’s delusional because he’s already been accepted to four colleges, including Princeton. Jessie’s beside herself because she can’t believe an Ivy League school would be idiotic enough to admit Screech as a student. Oh, Jessie. Anything is popular in the franchise where Screech is allowed to take Bayside students to school dances well into his twenties.

Naturally, to cope with this shit, Jessie resorts to eating. Oh, god. Please don’t let there be a very special episode on obesity before the end of the series…vlcsnap-2015-04-10-17h00m44s164

Meanwhile, the wrestling coach from the University of Iowa offers Slater a wrestling scholarship to go there. Slater readily accepts, telling the gang that Iowa has one of the best wrestling programs in the country and, you won’t believe this, the writers aren’t just pulling this out of their asses this time! Iowa really does have one of the best wrestling programs in the NCAA. Slater takes Zack Morris to tell the news to his father as Jessie continues stealing food from other patrons because she’s depressed even Slater was admitted before her. We also find out that somehow a bowler mistook Screech’s head for a bowling ball once and stuck his fingers up Screech’s nose. That’s disturbing…vlcsnap-2015-04-10-17h01m55s111

And, after a long absence, welcome back Major Slater, who has some exciting news of his own to tell Slater. Major Slater has arranged for a congressman to interview Slater for a spot in West Point. Once again, I’m kind of impressed with the research that’s gone into this episode. Congressional representatives really can nominate candidates for West Point. It’s almost like the writers care about accuracy for once…

Zack Morris tries to get Slater to tell his father the news about Iowa but he decides not to. After the major leaves, Slater tells Zack Morris that attending West Point has always been his father’s dream for him, and he doesn’t want to shatter that dream. Zack Morris says he’s sure he’ll come up with an overly convoluted plan to ensure Slater doesn’t have to go to West Point nor break his father’s heart.vlcsnap-2015-04-10-17h04m03s91

The next day at Bayside, Jessie continues her obsessive eating because she got a rejection letter from Yale. Also, Lisa seems to think a person shouldn’t eat potato chips at 9:00 am. It’s like she’s confusing chips with whiskey… Screech, meanwhile, continues to receive acceptance letters, including to the Barbizon School of Modeling. Okay, there goes the believability of this episode. Anyone who would look at Screech and decide he should be a model is just a dumb ass.vlcsnap-2015-04-10-17h04m44s9

Mr. Belding greets Congressman Shepard, who’s there to conduct Slater’s interview. He’s played by a guy named John McCann. No joke, when I first saw his name in the credits, I thought it said John McCain and I was all, “Oh, shit, did they actually get a real member of Congress?” After all, I was like twelve when this episode premiered so, for all I know, this might have been how John McCain looked.vlcsnap-2015-04-10-17h05m31s226

After Mr. Belding leaves, Zack Morris enters dressed as Rambo with a mullet. He says he’s Slater and, I have to admit, what follows is actually one of Zack Morris’s better plans.vlcsnap-2015-04-10-17h07m19s16

See, the plan is to act bat shit insane so that Congressman Shepard will think Slater’s a raving racist war mongering loon and not want him anywhere near West Point or a loaded firearm. For those keeping track, Zack Morris suggests the military attack Canada and take Toronto in a victorious march. This spectacular display of crazy works since the congressman is dismayed that Zack Morris doesn’t seem to realize Toronto isn’t the capital of Canada, and he runs away as fast as possible to get out of this scene.vlcsnap-2015-04-10-17h08m02s182

In the hallway, candy comes pouring out of Jessie’s locker, indicating Harvard turned her down. Yeah, it must have got back to them that your friends had a shitty actor who works at The Max imitate one of their recruiters last season. Meanwhile, Slater reveals he didn’t go to the interview. Zack Morris comes up and tells Slater the plan worked. Kelly and Lisa are incredulous that Slater would throw away an opportunity like West Point because Slater should have totally ignored his own feelings and gone to the interview anyway. Who cares about what Slater wants to do with his life! Besides, as Zack Morris points out, what’s the worst that can happen: they find out Slater lied and still don’t admit him?

Well, this is the Saved by the Bell universe…

In his office, Mr. Belding tells Congressman Shepard that the sort of behavior the congressman described isn’t typical for Slater. They go into the hallway and Mr. Belding says hi to Slater. The two of them start putting the pieces of the puzzle together and Mr. Belding realizes this must have had something to do with Zack Morris.
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Mr. Belding and Congressman Shepard enter a classroom where the congressman identifies Zack Morris as the student he interviewed.vlcsnap-2015-04-10-17h10m33s166

So the proportional response is for a military police officer to come in and arrest Zack Morris for “impersonating a West Point applicant to a United States congressman.”vlcsnap-2015-04-10-17h10m40s236

And Slater’s arrested for aiding and abetting. Um, are those even crimes? They were lying, but I’m pretty sure lying isn’t illegal unless you’re under oath. Someone correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m pretty sure this is bull shit.vlcsnap-2015-04-10-17h11m29s211

And what’s even more bullshit is that they’re handcuffed and brought to Mr. Belding’s office, where Slater can’t believe he listened to another Zack Morris plan. In your defense, Slater, this one actually wasn’t half bad. Zack Morris starts pleading for mercy and Slater tells Zack Morris to take his possible imprisonment in the military justice system like a man.vlcsnap-2015-04-10-17h12m10s108

And Slater breaks down, of course, when Mr. Belding threatens to call hi father. Way to hold up under pressure, Slater. Mr. Belding and Congressman Shepard decide the two have learned their lesson and tell the MPs to release them. So…wait…you wasted the time of two members of the military, disrupted class, and humiliated two students in front of their teacher and peers in order to teach them a lesson? I would say this is unrealistic but this is the same show where a government agent once mistook  Screech for an alien and that believes caffeine pills are Satan’s dirty little capsules of evil…

After the congressman and the MPs leave, Mr. Belding sends Zack Morris off because, since his heart was in the right place, he gets off Scott free. Guess that’s the rule since he taught that mean oil executive a lesson for killing Becky. Slater decides he has to do what he should have just done all along and tell his father the truth.vlcsnap-2015-04-10-17h14m19s128

At the Slater household, Slater tells his father the truth: that he doesn’t want to go to West Point and be a part of the military industrial complex. Major Slater takes the news that his son finds Iowa more attractive than a military career bad and randomly decides he’s going to leave early, meaning that he’ll miss the state championships, which seems like a really dickish move no matter how disappointed Major Slater may be in his son at that moment.vlcsnap-2015-04-10-17h15m51s21

At The Max, Jessie’s received a final college decision but can’t bring herself to open it.  Lisa take the envelope and is all, “This is some stupid bullshit right here! I’ll open it!” Lisa tells Jessie she’s been admitted to Columbia.vlcsnap-2015-04-10-17h16m56s159

But Screech is sad he was rejected from his first choice, the Fisher College for Women. I…I just don’t have the energy to deal with Screech’s idiocy anymore today. We end this subplot with Zack Morris revealing he’s been admitted to Yale because of his high SAT score last season because SATs are apparently the only thing colleges look at in the Saved by the Bell universe. Notice, however, that no one was admitted to Cal U. Now, Kelly and Screech were noncommittal about where they were going so I can believe they’d decide to go to Cal U, especially given how much of an idiot Screech is, but The College Years is asking me to believe that Zack Morris would give up Yale and Slater would give up a full scholarship to Iowa just to go to the same college together? Yeah, that might be the most unbelievable thing in this franchise yet…

Slater comes in for the pep rally and he’s bummed because he thinks his father hates him. He can’t get up a smile about the match.

In the locker room, Mr. Belding comes in and tries to give a typical Mr. Belding pep talk to Slater. vlcsnap-2015-04-10-17h20m01s209

Zack Morris comes in with Major Slater, having convinced the major he should come see his son’s match. This apparently involved Screech lying down in front of Major Slater’s jeep. Big question: why didn’t the major run over Screech and do his country a huge favor?!?!?! Ugh, the lost opportunity…

Zack Morris leaves the two to bond and make-up. Major Slater says he only wants what will make Slater happy and, if that means the cornfields of Iowa, then so be it.  And our episode ends with Major Slater trying to get Slater to join the ROTC at Iowa because he still hasn’t learned his lesson yet…

In terms of the episodes we’ve seen so far this season, this is actually one of the better ones. The most unrealistic things about it were the scheme with the MPs and Screech being admitted to so many good universities. Overall, it was quite realistic: son afraid to disappoint father, father being disappointed but coming around when he realizes this will make son happy. This is something that is quite likely to be all too realistic for many in the target demographic, and it’s nice to see the issue tackled so well.

But, you know, I just realized, I must have seen too many episodes in this franchise, because they held a pep rally at The Max and it didn’t even phase me. Oh, woe is me! My mind is slowly turning to goo!

The New Class Season 3, Episode 17: “My Best Friends”

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We open at the mall where the writers of this shitty show have decided that they want to do an episode about the girls being best friends despite the fact this hasn’t been their characterization the previous episodes. As a result, Lindsay, Rachel, and Maria have suddenly become like those annoying people you see who can’t take a shit without each others’ presence. In this case, they’re sharing a banana split. Ryan says they’re like sisters and Tommy D reveals that, as per his usual style, he has no fucking clue what Siamese twins are when he tries to make a metaphor for the girls’ relationship. Oh, Tommy D…

A voice comes on the intercom to tell all store employees that today is the last day to sign up for the Palisades Mall shopping contest. Yes, it’s a contest where you have to be an employee to enter because that’s great publicity for your mall! You pick a partner and have five minutes to choose four items that come as close to $1,000 as possible. The team that comes closest to $1,000 without going over gets to keep their items.

After Lindsay’s disastrous stint at the video store, Maria got her a job at some place called the “Teen Machine.” That must be where they mass produce characters for The New Class! Also, it seems Maria couldn’t cut it as a waitress for a Japanese restaurant either. Rachel can’t decide whether to pick Lindsay or Maria for the shopping contest so Ryan flips a coin and it comes up Rachel. But, don’t worry, Lindsay and Rachel promise to share their winnings with Maria and they’re just super happy to be friends!

Ryan wants to enter with R.J. but Ryan has no job so he says he’ll think of something.vlcsnap-2015-04-06-19h23m52s126

And in walks that something. Yes, Mr. Belding and Screech are no longer working for the sporting goods store. No, now they’re working in Sweet Tooth, a candy store! They don’t even try to explain this. They’re just randomly there. And, what’s more, we find out later they’re the only two employees the store has. That…makes no fucking sense. They have jobs as administrators the rest of the week. Is the candy store only open on the weekend? Oh, and, of course, Mr. Belding and Screech are entering the contest together, and Screech manages to knock down a stack of cans that’s just randomly in the food court for some reason.vlcsnap-2015-04-06-19h24m30s0

Ryan goes in the candy store and sucks up to Mr. Belding and Screech enough that they hire him as a third employee. Since this is convenient to the plot, they’re not able to see through Ryan’s bullshit.vlcsnap-2015-04-06-19h27m11s75

We next get to see the “Teen Machine” which is an underage club that uses a really bad redressing of The Max as its headquarters. And, I have to warn you, there’s lots of bad singing because they’re a karaoke bar. Why, this man here is butchering The Brady Bunch theme. He goes for Florence Henderson but it comes out all Yoko Ono. R.J. apparently works there since the sporting goods store went out of existence.vlcsnap-2015-04-06-19h27m40s95

Lindsay and Maria work the juice bar, and, conveniently their shift is over, which means it’s time for them to give us a bad song that The New Class thinks is karaoke.

My name is Lindsay,
They call me Maria,
We’re both best friends,
To give you some ideas.
She’s the best darn waitress that you’ve ever seen,
And Lindsay dresses good, she’s extra nice, not mean.
We just want to say for tips we will cater,
If you don’t want to hang, then just say
Later!

Do the writers of this show have any idea what karaoke actually is? They know it’s not just someone standing at a microphone singing random thoughts that come into their head as a generic beat plays, right? Jesus this show makes my head hurt…

But their boss apparently loves their stupid little tune so he asks them to come up with a jingle for the costume part on Saturday, plus using teenage employees is a lot cheaper than having to hire someone to actually write a song. They immediately get to it when Rachel comes in wanting to see the new Brad Pitt movie. Lindsay and Maria say they have to work on the jingle and Rachel’s all butt hurt that she has to wait until tomorrow to see Brad Pitt’s muscly arms.

P.S. girls, Brad Pitt’s new movies in 1995 were Twelve Monkeys and Se7en. Not his finest moments, but Se7en does give the opportunity to listen to the soothing voice of Morgan Freeman. That man’s voice could soothe the angriest savage.

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They conveniently have the jingle written by the next scene, and R.J. must be a miracle worker because he can somehow have a full band come out of his console.

On Saturday night,
We’re having a bash,
So tell all your friends,
Dress up and bring cash.

That’s the best you could come up with? THAT’S supposed to bring people in for the party? And it probably will, because the writers of The New Class probably think this is brilliant.

With the song done, Lindsay suggests they go see the movie but Maria asks whether they should call Rachel. Lindsay’s all, “It’s late and Morgan Freeman’s voice would put Rachel to sleep, so let’s go and just keep it a secret from Rachel! That’ll work out great!”

In the candy store, Ryan’s bored because his only customer is Tommy D buying a penny worth of candy. Literally, a penny worth. Mr. Belding says that business has been bad since a new candy store opened up downstairs. Ryan seems worried that things are that bad. No wonder they’re so bad: you’re only open two days a week! I’d say you need to revisit your business plan! But no time for that! Mr. Belding and Screech go off to practice for the contest.

Rachel and Maria come in and let it slip that they went to see the movie without her. Rachel’s upset that they went without her because she was hoping to see Morgan Freeman in a Speedo.

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After a commercial break, Mr. Belding and Screech randomly run through the mall. I’m wondering why security doesn’t stop them before they knock down some old lady.
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Lindsay and Maria go to the clothing store Rachel works at to apologize. They start to talk but then Lindsay and Maria get dog verses squirrel syndrome when they hear their jingle on the intercom and run off so they can have a prime spot underneath a speaker.vlcsnap-2015-04-06-19h33m39s113

When they realize they left Rachel behind, they run back to try and talk to her but she closes the store because she’s so pissed at them. Uh, I think there are easier ways to ignore people you don’t want to talk to than closing down shop. If this is another of Mr. Moody’s stores, this will not end well…

Now Lindsay and Maria are pissed at Rachel as well and are like, “It’s almost as if this is a horrible plot contrivance to create conflict…”vlcsnap-2015-04-06-19h34m07s139

At the Teen Machine, Ryan gives Lindsay a chocolate heart and kisses her, to which the audience loses their shit because they wish someone would touch them. Ryan says he bought it to support the candy store and R.J. reminds him he won’t have to give a damn about it after this episode.

Rachel comes in and says she won’t be Lindsay’s partner for the contest because of the forced conflict in their lives. Lindsay says she’ll pick Maria instead and Rachel says that’s okay because she’ll find someone who will beat both of them.vlcsnap-2015-04-06-19h35m10s255

And that someone is the second biggest idiot on this show, who can even get the rules of the contest right. Yeah, having Tommy D as a partner is never a winning proposition. Just ask Lindsay and Natalie. vlcsnap-2015-04-06-19h36m17s151

And it’s immediately time for the shopping contest. This is, quite literally, three minutes of people randomly running around and grabbing shit. vlcsnap-2015-04-06-19h37m18s2

Highlights include Screech grabbing a two seat bicycle with a mannequin on it…for some reason…vlcsnap-2015-04-06-19h37m49s31

And Tommy D picks a giant wheel of cheese, which Rachel thinks is dumb, but which I think is brilliant, but I do like cheese. Come to think of it, how in the world are they going to split these prizes? They only get to pick four things so do they play eanie meanie miney mo to decide who gets what?vlcsnap-2015-04-06-19h38m49s138

No time to think about that because Mr. Belding collapses due to exhaustion from training!

With less than a minute left, it looks like Rachel and Tommy D are going to win. They’re at $999 but need one more item so Rachel tells Tommy D to go get a pencil so they’ll win. Tommy D somehow manages to come back with a $500 pencil, putting them over and making Lindsay and Maria the winners. But, in the best moment of the episode, Rachel slaps Tommy D upside the head for being a dumb ass. You know, that was worth this entire episode…vlcsnap-2015-04-06-19h40m38s207

After a break, we have some sadness because Rachel and Maria have no one to eat the third scoop of ice cream on their banana split. Solution: Tommy D just grabs the whole thing and eats all three! Ryan’s sick of this bullshit plot that makes them seem like they’re a lesbian polyamorous couple so he hatches a scheme to get Lindsay and Maria back together with Rachel. Ryan tells them the three of them will dress up as the Three Musketeers. When they leave, he tells Tommy D and R.J. to go and see Rachel.vlcsnap-2015-04-06-19h41m48s145

At the candy store, Mr. Belding tries to give Ryan his paycheck but Ryan says he can’t accept it. He admits to Mr. Belding and Screech that he only took the job to enter the shopping contest but now he cares about the store so he wants to contrive an unbelievable way for the candy store to survive. This leads Screech to do some horrible dancing to another jingle from the Teen Machine, which gives Ryan an idea of how to convince idiots to visit the candy store. vlcsnap-2015-04-06-19h42m38s126

At the Teen Machine, Lindsay and Maria are decked out as two of the three musketeers. vlcsnap-2015-04-06-19h42m51s246

They’re disturbed to find Ryan’s decided to join the world’s worst impersonators of the Three Stooges. Um, wouldn’t Screech be Curly in this case since he is the dumb ass?vlcsnap-2015-04-06-19h43m33s164

Rachel’s equally disturbed to find out that Tommy D and R.J. came dressed as Batman and Robin, homoerotic undertones and all. They try to force the girls together but they still won’t talk.

Mr. Belding, Screech, and Ryan go on stage and give us one more horrible song for the episode:

Sweet Tooth store, Sweet Tooth store,
We got candy, we got candy,
Gummy bears and lemon drops,
Caramel apples and lollipops,
You’re gonna like it ’cause we’re the tops,
At Sweet Tooth store.

My head is exploding. First of all, does the owner of the Teen Machine not care that another store is randomly doing a promo from his stage? Second, who the hell wrote this and who since the 1950’s has said anything was “the tops?”

Well, they throw some candy into the audience and this is enough to convince all the extras to get their candy from Sweet Tooth, which is too bad since it’s probably closing tomorrow due to the writers having no more use for it.

Meanwhile, Lindsay and Rachel both catch a giant magic candy cane that makes them instantly want to make up with each other. The three decide that, with less than a minute left in the episode, they should find some resolution lest this become a two parter. They all apologize and make up and live happily ever after.

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And our episode ends with seven actors dressed in costumes wondering where their acting careers went wrong.

Saved by the Bell Season 4, Episode 8: “Day of Detention”

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Oh no! They found where Zack Morris hid Jessie’s body! Seems she starved over the last few weeks because she’s been locked in his basement so long! Oh, Zack Morris! Have you no shame?!?!

RIP, Jessie.

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After that pointless close-up that only pointlessly serves to set up a plot point later in the episode, the episode proper opens with Lisa running in with big news. Zack Morris is all hoping it’s that Paula Abdul is the new gym teacher. Oh, couldn’t you just see that one?

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“Oh, Saved by the Bell: The New Class, you’re just so beautiful and you really have your heart in trying to be a decent show that people will love and remember as much as the original, but, honey, I don’t think you’re cut out for the Saturday morning TNBC line-up. Simon’s so mean to you but you follow your heart honey but I just don’t think you have what it takes but you’ll find your passion! Just don’t bring Dustin Diamond on your show!”

I would totally start a Patreon page just to see that happen.

Anyway, Lisa is actually excited because a DJ named Ken Kelly is broadcasting from The Max and is giving away a trip to Hawaii at some point today to whoever is the tenth caller. Naturally, all the gang want the trip, including Zack Morris, who’s so confident he’ll win he’s already on the phone to some girl inviting her to Hawaii for a nice fuck. It’s swell to see that it only took Zack Morris an episode to break up with Tori off camera. This really is the season of one episode Zack Morris romances.

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Mr. Belding comes in as the substitute teacher since, of the substitute teachers this show has introduced us to, one was freaked out by the female students’ obsession with him and the other was Mr. Belding’s incometent brother. As a result, Mr. Belding’s the only person available to substitute. And he’s fucking pissed that Zack Morris is on his cell phone in class. Mr. Belding tells Zack Morris no more phone calls in school and Zack Morris is all, “Blow me!”

Though Mr. Belding seems to hate cell phones, he has no problems with Lisa listening to a Walkman in class. She hears that Ken Kelly will be taking phone calls at 2:00 pm, because radio stations always announce what time their contests will happen. Zack Morris decides he needs to kick into action and find a way to scam that trip.

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This apparently involves Screech and horrible costumes since that’s the norm for this show. The plan is for Screech to set it up so he can intersect the phones. Okay, I’ve suspended my disbelief for a lot of bullshit on this show, but this is a tad too far. I don’t believe for a second that Screech can do this, especially from inside The Max. But, you know, the writers of this show also have no clue how phones work so what the hell.

Also, Zack Morris apparently just happened to have lineman jumpsuits with phones monogrammed to them conveniently lying around just in case he ever had need of taking over a radio station.

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And meet Ken Kelly himself, DJ at KDRP, the station dedicated to preserving Texas’s music culture! What is up with this show and picking really weird stations’ call signs to represent their fictional stations? Yeah, he’s approached by Zack Morris and Screech…for some odd reason…in order to fix the phones. Why would they come to him and not the manager of The Max?

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And, proving my point about Screech’s likely incompetence, he almost immediately sparks a fire. No, no, we can’t burn The Max down until The New Class!

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We skip to 2:00, where Screech is cleverly hidden underneath a table with a magical box that intercepts all the incoming call at The Max. You know what, I’m not sure why I’m questioning this, after all, this is the same show where Screech built a sentient robot and was mistaken for a government agent. The calls start coming in, and Screech hangs up on all of them except Zack Morris, who he puts through to Ken Kelly. Ken and his producer don’t seem to think anything’s odd about the long, strange pause between calls either.

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Zack Morris talks to Ken Kelly, who tells him he’s their tenth caller and he just needs to be at The Max by 4:00 to answer some trivia questions. Now, Ken says that Zack Morris is number ten but he’s the first caller we see get through. I’m sure they intended to imply that the other nine calls happened off camera but this doesn’t come through very well, especially considering radio contests are usually so hard to get through to because the calls come in so fast.

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Mr. Belding catches Zack Morris on his cell phone and sends him to detention for daring to disobey his lukewarm admonition against using cell phones in school. Conflict established.

In detention, which begins immediately, we get a running gag of the episode. Seems Mr. Belding bought a miniature bonsai tree as an anniversary present and has no clue how to maintain it so he just cuts randomly a the branches. Zack Morris asks to use the restroom so he can put a plan into action to get out of detention.

Zack Morris goes in the locker room and meets up with Slater and convinces Slater that, if he can get him out of detention, Zack Morris will take Slater to Hawaii with him so they can finally consummate their love.

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Slater puts the plan into action by faking an injury falling down the stairs. The idea is Zack Morris needs to take him to the hospital but Mr. Belding and Zack Morris argue so long over who gets the privilege that they both miss out.

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See, Ox comes up and, after insisting that he be allowed to take Slater to the hospital, proceeds to slam Slater’s supposedly hurt leg into a locker. Mr. Belding smells a rat when Ox’s stupidity doesn’t cause major pain to Slater and, after getting the truth out of him, sentences Slater to detention as well.

Zack Morris listens to Lisa’s Walkman that he seems to have stolen from her and realizes he only has an hour to make it to The Max. Once again, I’m confused why Mr. Belding hates cell phones so much but has no issue with Walkmen. Did a student once get made at Mr. Belding for his inconsistent administration style and stick a phone up Mr. Belding’s ass?

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Zack Morris sees Lisa and Tori through the door and sends them messages via paper airplane that he’ll take them to Hawaii if they get him out of detention. Number one, this means that Mr. Belding hates cell phones more than both Walkmen and paper airplanes since the messages had to have flown right past him to get to Lisa and Tori. Number two, how the hell is he going to take both of them? Won’t he only have two tickets to Hawaii?

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The plan involves Tori calling Zack Morris’s cell phone pretending to be his mother saying she needs him home right away for snuggling and Oprah. Unfortunately, the bell at Bayside likes to ring at random times so, since Tori called on the pay phone right outside the classroom, Mr. Belding realizes something’s up. He sentences Tori and Lisa, since she was in on it as well, to detention with Zack Morris and Slater.

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Time is running out and, unfortunately, Zack Morris’s last hope is the biggest idiot of the bunch. He first uses random animal organs that conveniently happen to be lying around the classroom to make Mr. Belding’s stomach queasy.

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After Mr. Belding leaves the room to throw up over this bull shit, Zack Morris calls Screech, who’s still hiding under the table…for some reason.

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So the latest plan involves Screech doing a horrible impression of Zack Morris in order to win the trip. You know, Ken Kelly has no idea what Zack Morris looks like so WHY THE HELL DO YOU NEED A FUCKING COSTUME?!?!?! God, this is the idiot Zack Morris is entrusting with his final hope?  Oh, well. Unfortunately for Zack Morris, Screech has trouble answering basic questions like, “What’s the first thing you’ll do in Hawaii?” so he runs out of The Max to go back to Bayside.

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He finds the rest of the gang in detention and tries to ask Zack Morris what the first thing he’ll do in Hawaii is, but Mr. Belding won’t let Screech talk to Zack Morris unless he’s in detention. So…wouldn’t you know, he immediately insults Mr. Belding in order to be sent to detention. And, since Screech has a lower IQ than the bastard love child of my pet rock and Justin Bieber, he doesn’t realize until Zack Morris tells him that this means he can’t go back to The Max. Oh, and this is the guy Bayside entrusts with its students on a regular basis in the years to come…

So Zack Morris comes up with one last ditch effort when he finds out Screech knows lots about bonsai trees. He has Screech distract Mr. Belding while he dresses Jessie’s skeleton up in the bad wig Screech was wearing earlier along with the Walkman. He gets the rest of the gang to cover for him, though they’re reluctant since Slater says he double crossed them earlier. You got greedy, did something stupid, and got caught. How is that a double cross? It’s not like Zack Morris turned you in to save his own skin!

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While Screech proceeds to destroy Mr. Belding’s bonsai tree, Zack Morris sneaks out of class. That bonsai tree is barer than the list of women willing to fuck Screech without payment.

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And Screech is such an idiot that, when he returns to his desk, he believes Jessie’s skeleton is really Zack Morris. God, who dropped him on his head as a child?

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Zack Morris makes it to The Max just in time and successfully answers the first two questions, one on Peal Harbor being attacked by the Japanese during World War II and the other about Pipeline on Sunset Beach being a surfer’s hangout.

Meanwhile, Mr. Belding finally realizes something’s up with Zack Morris but thinks he’s sleeping.

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He goes over to wake Zack Morris up and pulls the head off Jessie’s skeleton. Okay, that scene was actually pretty funny I’ve got to admit. Mr. Belding’s reaction was priceless. But he thinks he knows what’s going on and tells the rest of the gang to stay put while he goes to look for Zack Morris.

Zack Morris has trouble, meanwhile, with the third question about what hobby is practiced in Hawaii involving pruning miniature trees. This is…a weird question. The answer they want is obviously bonsai trees but even Mr. Belding earlier said that pruning bonsai trees is a Japanese art. I’m sure there are people in Hawaii who prune bonsai trees, but is that really a fair question sine I’m sure there are also people in Hawaii who prune Chia Pets?

Zack Morris gets the question wrong and Ken Kelly says the next person who walks through the door of The Max will have an opportunity to win the trip.

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And wouldn’t you know that person is Mr. Belding, whose psychic link lead him to search for Zack Morris at The Max? Of course, Mr. Belding gets the question right and wins the trip. For some reason, he assumes that Zack Morris did all this so Mr. Belding could go to Hawaii for his anniversary. After knowing Zack Morris for five years, he should know better. There’s just no excuse. And our episode ends with Mr. Belding dragging Zack Morris back to detention as thanks for his efforts.