We open at a senior class meeting to decide the style of class rings the students should order this year. Mr. Belding gets the eerie feeling that someone’s missing. Yes, Mr. Belding, Jessie and Kelly are missing! Why aren’t you doing anything to find them! Jessie’s the class president for Christ’s sake! She would be involved in a meeting like this!
But, no, it’s Zack Morris and Tori he’s talking about because they were off consummating the love the writers forgot about the last few weeks.
Ox suggests they just order the normal style with Bayside on one side and the year on the other and everyone else practically crown him king of the idiots for actually saying something intelligent rather than merely being around to make Screech look like less of an idiot by comparison.
And guess who agrees to take over as head of the ring project even though there’s no logical reason given his track record he should be trusted with anything important or that he should want to do this? No, not Screech, but that was a good answer. Our occasional resident idiot, Zack Morris!
In the hallway, after Screech makes a stupid comment about wanting to buy a second class ring for next year, Tori wants to know why Lisa is always such a bitch to Tori. Lisa’s all, “You haven’t had to deal with this fucking idiot for five years! You should pity Mr. Belding, who has to deal with his crap for another six!” Tori makes a bet with Lisa that, if she can go to the movies with Screech and not be mean to him, Lisa has to be nice to him the rest of the year.
Zack Morris, meanwhile, convinces Melvin Nerdstrom to buy two class rings because everyone in this universe is an idiot even if they’re supposed to be smart. Wait, Melvin Nerdstrom? Wasn’t he Violet’s misogynistic ex-boyfriend? That’s…an odd choice of a character to bring back after being absent two years. Were they hoping no one would remember who he was and forget that he made Zack Morris look like a radical feminist by comparison?
Tori, meanwhile, tells Zack Morris about her bet and Zack Morris is all, “If you want to do shit with Screech, don’t blame me when you want to gouge your eyes out!” She asks Screech out and he agrees, believing, naturally, that he’s just that desirable.
We cut to the movies, where Zack Morris, Slater, and Lisa spy on Screech and Tori’s date as Screech gives Tori some popcorn with his “secret sauce” on it. There sure are a lot of episodes involving Screech’s secret sauce. She better make sure he wasn’t in the restroom with it. He also tells her the ending to the movie because he’s an idiot who doesn’t seem to understand that’s not desirable when seeing a movie for the first time.
Screech also reveals he keeps mice in his pocket because all girls hate mice. But she has the self-control of an angel and doesn’t freak out once during the movie, meaning Lisa has to be nice to him the rest of the year, or at least until the plot demands different.
At The Max, meet Gem Diamond (Get it? It’s funny because it’s a pun!), whom Zack Morris decides to buy the class rings from because men dressed as snitches from Miami Vice are totally trustworthy.
Gem pulls out a bunch of mannequin hands with rings on them and proceeds to put on one of the worst scam pitches I’ve ever seen, but Zack Morris is an idiot in this episode so he falls for it completely, believing he got a deal on rings because Gem agrees to sell his “top” ring for $66 a ring and give Zack Morris one for free. Gem, having obviously scammed Zack Morris, goes to find Sonny Crockett and give him the down low on a drug smuggling ring.
Screech comes in and Lisa does her best to be nice to him. He couldn’t care less, though, because he’s convinced himself that a girl being somewhat pleasant with him means she wants in his hot pants so he’s decided Tori’s in love with him.
The gang go to tell Tori and she doesn’t believe it until Screech comes walking up with a shit ton of balloons because going on one date with a girl and then giving her balloons equals guaranteed poon tang.
At The Max, Tori tries her best to tell Screech to go fuck himself in the nicest way possible, but everything she says he just interprets as her being madly in love with him. He decides that the way to make Tori like him is to kill his bugs, because that’s how I would interpret the line, “This just won’t work.”
Zack Morris comes in with the class rings and Slater asks whether it’s a bit fishy that Gem made the rings overnight. Well, no, I just assumed it was the usual Saved by the Bell ignorance of time constraints. If you’re going to do something crazy, though, like use actual standards of production, I guess it it kind of fishy, but Zack Morris just assumes that Gem is super dee awesome!
Zack Morris and Lisa give Tori shit for not realizing that Screech can’t be reasoned with so Tori begs Zack Morris for help.
That help involves Slater waiting in the locker room for Screech and telling him that Zack Morris is heartbroken over Screech and Tori. Zack Morris comes in and Slater tells Screech to go cheer him up since Screech is occasionally supposed to be Zack Morris’s best friend when Slater isn’t.
Screech’s idea of cheering up Zack Morris involves making faces like you would at an easily impressed infant to make it smile. Although I’m sure the thought crossed Zack Morris’s mind, he doesn’t slap the shit out of Screech and, instead, tells him the only thing that will cheer him up is if Screech doesn’t date Tori. Screech tells him to fuck off, and right there is where Screech is a piece of shit. Remember earlier this season when he acted like a baby over Zack Morris dating Lisa and Zack Morris agreed to back off if it would make Screech happy? Yeah, Screech wasn’t even dating Lisa or had a chance with her. He won’t back off of Zack Morris’s girlfriend? Yeah, go and shove yourself up Tommy D’s asshole and die, Screech!
In the hallway, Screech plays peek-a-boo with Tori and then makes her wear his class ring despite the fact he’s not formally asked Tori out. The sexual harassment continues!
Lisa finds Zack Morris and tells him the ring left a green ring on her finger because, surprise, surprise, it’s fake gold. Slater, Tori, and he discover they have green rings, too, and Melvin leads a revolt of the extras who are all upset about the fake rings.
Zack Morris calls Gem, who tries to weasel his way out of the phone call at first but then just tells Zack Morris to go fuck off because, if he was stupid enough to fall for this thing, he got what he deserved.
Zack Morris things he’s dead at first but then he comes up with a plan to wrap up both plots with one convoluted plan he shares with Slater, Tori, and Lisa.
In a random classroom, Tori finds Screech marveling at fleas in a fake circus because fleas are such trainable animals. Tori comes in and shows Screech a green ring on her chest and tells her she’s pissed off that he’s desecrated the symbol of their love. She tells him someone needs to teach the guy who ripped off Zack Morris a lesson and, after Screech accidentally kills a flea, he decides that someone will be him since that worked out so well back in Good Morning, Miss Bliss.
Meanwhile, Zack Morris makes a deal with Gem to become partners. The plan he has is that he will go into high schools and convince the students to buy Gem’s rings.
While Slater randomly rips jukeboxes off the wall. Gem briefly wonders why someone he just ripped off wants to do business with him but, since we’re running short on time, he decides the idea’s brilliant because plot, and they shake hands on their deal.
But, then, Screech walks in, and…
Oh, God, why me…
Why the fuck me…
Oh, casual racism, your absence on Saved by the Bell has been sorely missed. Welcome back! You remind me of the good ‘ole days when Zack Morris dressed up as Arabs or Screech dressed up as Native Americans that talked like Captain Caveman. Oh, to be back in those simpler times!
Anyway, Zack Morris and Slater pretend to protect Gem but Screech easily defeats them with poor stunt moves that make the first season of Power Rangers look realistic by comparison. He then goes after Gem, who agrees to get them real rings if they’ll only let him go so he can go rip off California Dreams.
Yes, this is the episode that places Saved by the Bell and California Dreams in the same universe. Strange enough, Gem Diamond shows up in season five of California Dreams because they had need of a Miami Vice snitch to rip them off there, too. Oh, joy…
The new rings arrive another twenty-four hours later, meaning Zack Morris was probably ripped off again, and Slater is never arrested for vandalism of property at The Max because vandalism is only vandalism if we’re having a very special episode.
Every girl at Bayside except Lisa and Tori has suddenly gone brain dead and thinks Screech is hot for dealing with Gem so they all want to fuck him now. This means that Screech doesn’t want Tori anymore because he doesn’t want to date a lesbian when he can have lots of hot straight girls.
And our episode ends with the audience losing their shit over Zack Morris and Tori kissing after he gives her his class ring to remind us that the status quo has been reestablished, at least for half this seasons’s episodes.
Firsts: Gem Diamond.