The New Class Season 3, Episode 17: “My Best Friends”

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We open at the mall where the writers of this shitty show have decided that they want to do an episode about the girls being best friends despite the fact this hasn’t been their characterization the previous episodes. As a result, Lindsay, Rachel, and Maria have suddenly become like those annoying people you see who can’t take a shit without each others’ presence. In this case, they’re sharing a banana split. Ryan says they’re like sisters and Tommy D reveals that, as per his usual style, he has no fucking clue what Siamese twins are when he tries to make a metaphor for the girls’ relationship. Oh, Tommy D…

A voice comes on the intercom to tell all store employees that today is the last day to sign up for the Palisades Mall shopping contest. Yes, it’s a contest where you have to be an employee to enter because that’s great publicity for your mall! You pick a partner and have five minutes to choose four items that come as close to $1,000 as possible. The team that comes closest to $1,000 without going over gets to keep their items.

After Lindsay’s disastrous stint at the video store, Maria got her a job at some place called the “Teen Machine.” That must be where they mass produce characters for The New Class! Also, it seems Maria couldn’t cut it as a waitress for a Japanese restaurant either. Rachel can’t decide whether to pick Lindsay or Maria for the shopping contest so Ryan flips a coin and it comes up Rachel. But, don’t worry, Lindsay and Rachel promise to share their winnings with Maria and they’re just super happy to be friends!

Ryan wants to enter with R.J. but Ryan has no job so he says he’ll think of something.vlcsnap-2015-04-06-19h23m52s126

And in walks that something. Yes, Mr. Belding and Screech are no longer working for the sporting goods store. No, now they’re working in Sweet Tooth, a candy store! They don’t even try to explain this. They’re just randomly there. And, what’s more, we find out later they’re the only two employees the store has. That…makes no fucking sense. They have jobs as administrators the rest of the week. Is the candy store only open on the weekend? Oh, and, of course, Mr. Belding and Screech are entering the contest together, and Screech manages to knock down a stack of cans that’s just randomly in the food court for some reason.vlcsnap-2015-04-06-19h24m30s0

Ryan goes in the candy store and sucks up to Mr. Belding and Screech enough that they hire him as a third employee. Since this is convenient to the plot, they’re not able to see through Ryan’s bullshit.vlcsnap-2015-04-06-19h27m11s75

We next get to see the “Teen Machine” which is an underage club that uses a really bad redressing of The Max as its headquarters. And, I have to warn you, there’s lots of bad singing because they’re a karaoke bar. Why, this man here is butchering The Brady Bunch theme. He goes for Florence Henderson but it comes out all Yoko Ono. R.J. apparently works there since the sporting goods store went out of existence.vlcsnap-2015-04-06-19h27m40s95

Lindsay and Maria work the juice bar, and, conveniently their shift is over, which means it’s time for them to give us a bad song that The New Class thinks is karaoke.

My name is Lindsay,
They call me Maria,
We’re both best friends,
To give you some ideas.
She’s the best darn waitress that you’ve ever seen,
And Lindsay dresses good, she’s extra nice, not mean.
We just want to say for tips we will cater,
If you don’t want to hang, then just say
Later!

Do the writers of this show have any idea what karaoke actually is? They know it’s not just someone standing at a microphone singing random thoughts that come into their head as a generic beat plays, right? Jesus this show makes my head hurt…

But their boss apparently loves their stupid little tune so he asks them to come up with a jingle for the costume part on Saturday, plus using teenage employees is a lot cheaper than having to hire someone to actually write a song. They immediately get to it when Rachel comes in wanting to see the new Brad Pitt movie. Lindsay and Maria say they have to work on the jingle and Rachel’s all butt hurt that she has to wait until tomorrow to see Brad Pitt’s muscly arms.

P.S. girls, Brad Pitt’s new movies in 1995 were Twelve Monkeys and Se7en. Not his finest moments, but Se7en does give the opportunity to listen to the soothing voice of Morgan Freeman. That man’s voice could soothe the angriest savage.

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They conveniently have the jingle written by the next scene, and R.J. must be a miracle worker because he can somehow have a full band come out of his console.

On Saturday night,
We’re having a bash,
So tell all your friends,
Dress up and bring cash.

That’s the best you could come up with? THAT’S supposed to bring people in for the party? And it probably will, because the writers of The New Class probably think this is brilliant.

With the song done, Lindsay suggests they go see the movie but Maria asks whether they should call Rachel. Lindsay’s all, “It’s late and Morgan Freeman’s voice would put Rachel to sleep, so let’s go and just keep it a secret from Rachel! That’ll work out great!”

In the candy store, Ryan’s bored because his only customer is Tommy D buying a penny worth of candy. Literally, a penny worth. Mr. Belding says that business has been bad since a new candy store opened up downstairs. Ryan seems worried that things are that bad. No wonder they’re so bad: you’re only open two days a week! I’d say you need to revisit your business plan! But no time for that! Mr. Belding and Screech go off to practice for the contest.

Rachel and Maria come in and let it slip that they went to see the movie without her. Rachel’s upset that they went without her because she was hoping to see Morgan Freeman in a Speedo.

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After a commercial break, Mr. Belding and Screech randomly run through the mall. I’m wondering why security doesn’t stop them before they knock down some old lady.
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Lindsay and Maria go to the clothing store Rachel works at to apologize. They start to talk but then Lindsay and Maria get dog verses squirrel syndrome when they hear their jingle on the intercom and run off so they can have a prime spot underneath a speaker.vlcsnap-2015-04-06-19h33m39s113

When they realize they left Rachel behind, they run back to try and talk to her but she closes the store because she’s so pissed at them. Uh, I think there are easier ways to ignore people you don’t want to talk to than closing down shop. If this is another of Mr. Moody’s stores, this will not end well…

Now Lindsay and Maria are pissed at Rachel as well and are like, “It’s almost as if this is a horrible plot contrivance to create conflict…”vlcsnap-2015-04-06-19h34m07s139

At the Teen Machine, Ryan gives Lindsay a chocolate heart and kisses her, to which the audience loses their shit because they wish someone would touch them. Ryan says he bought it to support the candy store and R.J. reminds him he won’t have to give a damn about it after this episode.

Rachel comes in and says she won’t be Lindsay’s partner for the contest because of the forced conflict in their lives. Lindsay says she’ll pick Maria instead and Rachel says that’s okay because she’ll find someone who will beat both of them.vlcsnap-2015-04-06-19h35m10s255

And that someone is the second biggest idiot on this show, who can even get the rules of the contest right. Yeah, having Tommy D as a partner is never a winning proposition. Just ask Lindsay and Natalie. vlcsnap-2015-04-06-19h36m17s151

And it’s immediately time for the shopping contest. This is, quite literally, three minutes of people randomly running around and grabbing shit. vlcsnap-2015-04-06-19h37m18s2

Highlights include Screech grabbing a two seat bicycle with a mannequin on it…for some reason…vlcsnap-2015-04-06-19h37m49s31

And Tommy D picks a giant wheel of cheese, which Rachel thinks is dumb, but which I think is brilliant, but I do like cheese. Come to think of it, how in the world are they going to split these prizes? They only get to pick four things so do they play eanie meanie miney mo to decide who gets what?vlcsnap-2015-04-06-19h38m49s138

No time to think about that because Mr. Belding collapses due to exhaustion from training!

With less than a minute left, it looks like Rachel and Tommy D are going to win. They’re at $999 but need one more item so Rachel tells Tommy D to go get a pencil so they’ll win. Tommy D somehow manages to come back with a $500 pencil, putting them over and making Lindsay and Maria the winners. But, in the best moment of the episode, Rachel slaps Tommy D upside the head for being a dumb ass. You know, that was worth this entire episode…vlcsnap-2015-04-06-19h40m38s207

After a break, we have some sadness because Rachel and Maria have no one to eat the third scoop of ice cream on their banana split. Solution: Tommy D just grabs the whole thing and eats all three! Ryan’s sick of this bullshit plot that makes them seem like they’re a lesbian polyamorous couple so he hatches a scheme to get Lindsay and Maria back together with Rachel. Ryan tells them the three of them will dress up as the Three Musketeers. When they leave, he tells Tommy D and R.J. to go and see Rachel.vlcsnap-2015-04-06-19h41m48s145

At the candy store, Mr. Belding tries to give Ryan his paycheck but Ryan says he can’t accept it. He admits to Mr. Belding and Screech that he only took the job to enter the shopping contest but now he cares about the store so he wants to contrive an unbelievable way for the candy store to survive. This leads Screech to do some horrible dancing to another jingle from the Teen Machine, which gives Ryan an idea of how to convince idiots to visit the candy store. vlcsnap-2015-04-06-19h42m38s126

At the Teen Machine, Lindsay and Maria are decked out as two of the three musketeers. vlcsnap-2015-04-06-19h42m51s246

They’re disturbed to find Ryan’s decided to join the world’s worst impersonators of the Three Stooges. Um, wouldn’t Screech be Curly in this case since he is the dumb ass?vlcsnap-2015-04-06-19h43m33s164

Rachel’s equally disturbed to find out that Tommy D and R.J. came dressed as Batman and Robin, homoerotic undertones and all. They try to force the girls together but they still won’t talk.

Mr. Belding, Screech, and Ryan go on stage and give us one more horrible song for the episode:

Sweet Tooth store, Sweet Tooth store,
We got candy, we got candy,
Gummy bears and lemon drops,
Caramel apples and lollipops,
You’re gonna like it ’cause we’re the tops,
At Sweet Tooth store.

My head is exploding. First of all, does the owner of the Teen Machine not care that another store is randomly doing a promo from his stage? Second, who the hell wrote this and who since the 1950’s has said anything was “the tops?”

Well, they throw some candy into the audience and this is enough to convince all the extras to get their candy from Sweet Tooth, which is too bad since it’s probably closing tomorrow due to the writers having no more use for it.

Meanwhile, Lindsay and Rachel both catch a giant magic candy cane that makes them instantly want to make up with each other. The three decide that, with less than a minute left in the episode, they should find some resolution lest this become a two parter. They all apologize and make up and live happily ever after.

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And our episode ends with seven actors dressed in costumes wondering where their acting careers went wrong.

9 responses to “The New Class Season 3, Episode 17: “My Best Friends”

  1. It’s strange, I read the Dustin Diamond book, “Beyond the Bell.” And he talked briefly about his time on The New Class.

    From what I read, he liked doing it in fact saying he hanged out with a few of the cast mates. Something he very much over stressed in the book he didn’t do on the original show.

    He did address the criticisms about his performance on The New Class. According to him, DD wasn’t happy with the scripts and tried to get some/any comedy from his character.

    So by doing this I guess he just turned the Screech character up over 9,0000, turning him into a Super Shaggy that commits great acts of comic cringe worthy performances every episode.

    Really sad because I maybe the only one, but for the first two seasons of Bell, I liked Screech and wanted him to be with Lisa. And during his first season of The New Class, I liked that Screech seemed more mature trying to turning himself into what Mr. Belding should have been from episode one.

    But no, what he got after season two was Super Shaggy, equipped with a “Zoinks” an episode.

    • ILovedKellyKapowski

      The kids in The New Class do treat Screech a lot better than the original students. Screech is also able to hook up with some pretty cute girls in The New Class, like his GF from the country club episodes, or the nurse from “Blood Money” who played Brandon Walsh’s GF in BH 90210. I wonder if these things were written into Diamond’s contract, since he was so badly mistreated (according to him, anyways) on the original series.

      It’s hard to believe how Screech can be such a fucking idiot, and yet be smart enough to be a chess champion and class valedictorian. I doubt Screech and Lisa could’ve ever been a couple, only because Lisa is so shallow, and only focuses on a guy’s physical attractiveness. But if you really want to see Screech and Lisa hook up, I recommend you watch Hustler’s XXX parody “This Ain’t Saved By The Bell”!

    • That actually all makes sense. Good Morning, Miss Bliss Screech was actually a bit endearing and the sort of underdog many of us remember being in middle school. First and second season Screech wasn’t that bad. The longer the character existed, though, the more writ slittingly annoying he became, and, yes, I’ve had a preview of things to come in the next four seasons of The New Class, so I know he only gets worse. I guess it makes sense that the character got worse and worse the more creative control they gave over to fucking Dustin Diamond.

      One of the bonus features I reviewed from the season 2 DVDs of the original season had Dennis Haskins claiming Dustin is a comic genius. What kind of crack were they all smoking to think this, and is this misconception what caused them to think they should actually give control of the character to him?

      • Here’s the thing about S2 and Screech. I liked that the show tried to turn him into what largely Mr. Bending should of been since episode one of The New Class.

        A Miss. Bliss type character that could set the students straight, light a fire under them or be there with sage advice and get them out of a jam or two.

        Kind of like Mr. Finney was on Boy Meets World or Mr. Moore was on Head of the Class.

        But instead from S3 on we got Super Shaggy, who causes more trouble than stoping them.

      • ILovedKellyKapowski

        Dustin Diamond, a “comic genius”? Hardly! Anyone who has watched “Wedding In Las Vegas” can see that, without a canned laugh track, Screech isn’t funny at all – just really fucking annoying.

        Of course, Dennis Haskins has watched Diamond grow up since he was a little kid on Miss Bliss, so it’s understandable he considers Diamond (and the other cast members) as his surrogate kids, and his judgement isn’t entirely objective when it comes to their talents and abilities. (Like a mom who thinks her daughter is the prettiest girl in the school, even though she looks like Gollum.)

    • Makes sense that Dustin got along better with the New Class kids than his own cast. They were closer to his age. I still find it shocking that Dustin Diamond was born the same year that Jonathan Angel was!!!

    • Well that would explain Screech’s annoying nasal voice in the later seasons. It was like watching Screech high on caffeine!!

  2. ILovedKellyKapowski

    I love the cleavage shot of Rachel in your first screen capture. And it goes to show: Not everyone needs acting talent to be on a TNBC show.

    This episode should’ve been preceded by “No Smoking”, in which Lindsay and Tommy D become addicted to cigarette smoking. (Why does Peter Engel keep airing episodes out of order? It’s confusing as fuck!)

    That episode established Mr. Belding and Screech working at “Sweet Tooth”, a stored owned by Mr. Belding’s brother-in-law. It also showed Lindsay getting fired from the clothing store Rachel works at, because Lindsay accidentally set fire to a $500 dress with her cigarette. And that’s why Maria needed to get her a job at the Teen Machine in this episode.

    Nothing about the 3 girls being BFF’s though, that’s completely new for this episode only!

    • Caleb Bernard

      I’m excited to see how it’s possible to accidentally light a dress (presumably on a store rack) on fire with a cigarette.

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