We open at the ski lodge. Yeah, it’s the exact same set as last season, the one that five members of our cast were present for, but the writers hope you don’t remember that because this time it’s owned by Screech’s grandfather, Ernie Powers, who they try to pass off as being as bat shit crazy as Screech. Funny how he can’t pull it off, even while trying. Also, it’s quite clear that the one thing that would have made last season’s shitty ski lodge episodes complete was Screech’s grandfather. Oh, if only they’d known then.
They’re there for the ski club’s Christmas trip, and, apparently only our gang are members of this club. At least last season’s ski lodge episodes brought Ron and some other extras along. This one…isn’t even trying to look legitimate. It’s like the producers were like, “Hell, there’s no possible way they’ll renew us for a fourth season so why even try!” Screech introduces the gang to his grandfather and randomly tells him Tommy D won’t be there for a few days because he’s taking make-up exams, as if Screech’s grandfather knows who Tommy D is. I guess the legend of Tommy D’s stupidity has spread far and wide through this universe. We also discover Screech obsesses over Mr. Belding and talks about him all the time. I think Mr. Belding needs to watch out lest he become a victim in this web of ickiness.
Mr. Belding suggests they get settled in and Ernie quickly puts on a stereotypical bellboy hat in order to help them. Turns out he had to let the old bellboy go due to declining business after the opening of Royal Crest Resort, a new ski resortwhose sole purpose in life seems to be to make Ernie’s life hard. Also, there’s no snow at a ski lodge on a mountain meaning Ernie must have picked the worst spot to set up a ski lodge and that his financial problems are partly his own damned fault.
Meanwhile, Ryan and Lindsay do what they do best: put on public displays of affection while the audience loses its shit. And since this episode expects me to give a damn about Ryan and Lindsay’s relationship, let me just say that, in this history of this franchise, I find this to be the most unbelievable relationship they’ve ever presented. The only thing we ever see Ryan and Lindsay do together that friends couldn’t do is kiss. We get no character building episodes around their relationship and it’s easy to forget half the time they’re supposed to be a couple. Fuck, I hate to say it but she and Tommy D had better chemistry…
After Lindsay leaves, Ryan shows R.J. a pendant he’s planning on giving Lindsay because they’re super serious and will be together forever. I’m sure this in no way foreshadows relationship difficulty within the next twenty minutes…
In the restaurant, the gang find the food undigestible since Ernie’s old cook left to go to the new ski resort, leaving Ernie to be the cook, but Rachel and Maria find the waiter and sole remaining employee of the lodge, Greg, very digestible. They instantly decide they want his hot man chowder in them.
Also, Ernie nearly sets the kitchen on fire because, if you haven’t figured it out yet, he sucks at life.
Rachel and Maria continue oogling that hot piece of Greg that keeps wondering around but neither want to talk to him so Lindsay does it for them. Yeah, because telling a guy your friends like him makes them look so good. Lindsay finds out Greg is loyal to Ernie until the end because Ernie paid a year’s tuition to college for him and that he wants to teach inner city kids and shit. Greg thinks it’s a shame that Lindsay has a boyfriend because, if he’s going to be charged with statutory rape, he’d love to do it with Lindsay. Ryan comes in and kisses Lindsay right after since kissing is their thing, and the audience loses their shit again. God, the audience is easily impressed this episode.
Mr. Belding comes out and introduces the musical act, Ernie and Screech, and it’s one of the worst musical numbers I’ve ever heard on this show. That’s really saying something. It’s so bad the rest of the guests all simultaneously decide to leave and go to the ski resort because staying at a place owned by Screech’s relatives can only lead to trouble.
Ernie decides it’s time to admit it’s over. He’ll cancel the guests due to arrive tomorrow morning and shut down.
In the kitchen, Lindsay and Greg flirt over whipped cream and peanut butter and remind the audience Lindsay has a boyfriend and this will probably lead to conflict, in case the audience are idiots and couldn’t figure it out for himself. Ryan comes in and suggests they do something to help Ernie.
Man, business must be really bad if they can’t even afford ink pens! The gang come in and tell Ernie not to cancel the next batch of guests. They’re going to work for Ernie because a temporary Band-aid of free teenage labor is going to solve all Ernie’s problems. Also, Lindsay gets to work in the kitchen with Greg because she got an A in home ec so that obviously makes her an expert in cooking.
The new guests arrive and immediately wonder why there’s no snow at a snow lodge. Ryan deflects their question, and sends them to the front desk, where Rachel magically knows what room each guest is in before they even open their mouths. Guess she picked up a few pointers from the Psychic Friends Network. R.J.’s a bellboy, and Mr. Belding is assistant manager to Screech’s general manager because we needed a randomly unhappy Mr. Belding.
Meanwhile, in the kitchen, things heat up between Lindsay and Greg as they bond over tuna casserole, because tuna casseroles get me in the mood for hot fucking. They hug, and the audience loses their shit, because hugging is like second base or some shit.
R.J. flirts with old women and Mr. Belding gets pissed off that Screech has him bussing tables. Oh, the excitement just builds.
The dinner is a success and Ryan tells Lindsay and Greg to take a break so they can get to know each other even better, which means they both admit they like th other and kiss. Lindsay’s all, “[Insert forced conflicted feelings here]!” They kiss and the audience is really going to lose their voices if they keep losing their shit like this every few minutes.
Ryan comes out and gives Lindsay the pendant, oblivious to the fact she’s being so distant because he obviously never saw the episode of Saved by the Bell this is ripping off to know what’s coming next.
Screech and Ryan do the opening announcements but the guests are pissed off there’s still no snow. That infernal ski resort has brought in a snow machine so they’re all going to randomly go there the next day.
In the girls’ bedroom, Rachel and Maria practically wet themselves when they find out Greg likes someone in the gang but, when Lindsay tells them it’s her and that she likes him back, they’re all, “You’ve got to tell Ryan immediately! You’re not allowed to like another guy while simultaneously dating one guy!”
Ryan’s plan to keep the guests at the lodge, meanwhile, is to spray paint every window in the building with fake snow to make it look like a blizzard came and snowed them in. The idea is that real snow is coming in forty-eight hours so they need to keep the guests there long enough for real snow to come. They also super glued the windows shut so the guests can’t find out the truth. Oh, there’s a million ways this can go wrong.
When Mr. Belding tries to open the door to find out for himself, a blast of fake snow comes blowing at him. One, how could they afford a giant fan and fake snow. Two, how can Mr. Belding not see hat everything else is green outside?
Fun activities include cups of hot chocolate and taking pictures behind cardboard snowmen. Boy, no one knows how to throw a party like Saved by the Bell! Mr. Belding and Screech have an argument in which they accidentally push the patio doors open and the guests see there’s not really any snow. Geez, that rouse lasted about a minute.
Ryan admits what they did and that Ernie knew nothing about this scheme but the guests rarely have human contact and think this is all fun so they’re going to stay anyway because we need a forced happy ending before our forced sad ending.
Lindsay tells Ryan the truth and give him back the pendant. Ryan gets understandably pissed that Lindsay can’t articulate what she likes about Greg more than him, especially considering no one can really articulate why they liked each other to begin with other than both were there and available. Ryan storms off, pissed off, and Lindsay can’t believe Ryan won’t talk to her after she just dumped him for another guy. Our episode ends with those three words that mean I’m going to have to suffer through another twenty-one minutes of idiocy in what will, no doubt, be another rip off of the Zack Morris and Kelly break-up.
Firsts: Grandpa Ernie Powers, Greg.