In case you were hoping for the thrilling conclusion of the
ripoff moving plot from last week’s episode, you will be sorely disappointed…for a while. All I can say is this episode better not involve a threesome with Mr. Belding and Lisa…
No, it’s another stupid clip show episode all about how awesome Screech is. Okay, realism out the window. We open with Screech writing a report for Cal U about his time at Bayside. Mr. Belding comes in and gives him the assignment to file some folders and check on the chalk in the classrooms…as you do with an administrative assistant…and Screech resents he’s being made to do some actual work instead of just following whatever the plot of the week demands. He feels like he’s a loser, which is some incredible introspection for him of such depth I didn’t think he was capable of.
He puts on a funny face, and suddenly we’re transported to a mysterious land…
…where Mr. Belding wears white suits because he’s an angel! No, seriously this is their bad ripoff of It’s a Wonderful Life. It’s 2015, twenty years in the future. Screech has been sleeping for twenty years and an internet reviewer exists to tear apart all the inconsistencies of one of the worst shows of all time, including the fact that they’re not even trying to make him look like he’s aged.
So Angel Belding’s plan is to show Screech the gang one by one along with clips from relevant episodes that show Screech made a difference in their lives. And none of the gang have aged, either, because the make-up artist was all, “Fuck this shit,” this week.
We have R.J., who’s become a rock star and movie star because Screech saved him from the unscrupulous agent. Ah, fast and loose interpretation of the clips I see. Actually, if you remember, it was Ryan and Maria who saved him from the unscrupulous agent. Screech only went along with their plan so Screech did jack shit to help R.J.
Then there’s Maria, who became an Olympic gold gymnast because Screech taught her not to be afraid of one setback. Nah, that was a stupid episode all around and she would have gotten over it herself.
Ryan married Lindsay and had two kids, Screech and Screechina, and a dog named Little Belding, and it’s all because Screech taught them to get along when the Valley kids came to Bayside and no one liked them. Uh, given the events of the last episode, Screcch must be hallucinating right now because I don’t think Ryan and Lindsay are going to marry after she dumped him. So, once again, Screech does jack shit that matters.
Tommy D became a rocket scientist, and you can tell because of his glasses and white jacket. And it’s all because Screech convinced him not to drop out of school. Uh, first, that was Mr. Belding’s plan with Tommy D’s father. Second, Tommy D will become a rocket scientist around the time Justin Bieber becomes a good musician.
Maria became a race car driver because Screech taught her to be a responsible driver. Uh, actually he taught you that begging can convince your teacher to raise your grade and lead to you being in an accident, so Screech actually harmed you here. And Rachel became Miss America because Screech had an inappropriate relationship with her in the prom episode. If you tell me she married Screech, I’m ending this review right here.
So, after all this, Screech now has a big head. Angel Belding shows Screech some of the times he’s messed up to make up for it, like the time he had Tommy D and Bobby hit Mr. Belding in the face with pies, or the time he had James the Actor pretend to give Mr. Belding an award. Exactly! Screech is stupid and incompetent! Fire him now!
All this leads to what happened to Screech.
Why, he became principal of course, because you don’t need a teaching degree or an administrative degree, experience, or apparently even consciousness in the Saved by the Bell universe to become a principal. No, fuck all that shit! All you really need is an audience gullible enough to throw all believability to the wind and accept whatever half baked story Hollywood’s worst writers throw at them. Also, if he was asleep for twenty years, how could he become principal? This episode can’t even be bothered to be consistent about its plot, if that’s what you want to call this framing story. God I hate this show…
So all this episode has convinced me of is that Screech is a fucktard and that the editors are good at taking clips and splicing them together out of context to try and make Screech look good.
Screcch wakes up and realizes it was all a dream, which means he somehow fell asleep with his eyes open and a stupid look on his face. Maybe Johnny Dakota came back and gave him some bad mushrooms which lead to a hallucination. It would be better than this stupidity. He realizes how important the show wants us to believe he is and finishes his report to Cal U.