Monthly Archives: June 2015

The New Class Season 3, Episode 25: “The Christmas Gift”

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What? We’re not going to wait another six weeks to go back to the ski lodge? It’s a Christmas miracle, folks!

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And it is Christmas at the ski lodge, where Mr. Belding’s bitching and moaning about being made to dress in funny costumes since he’s at the beck and call of the crazy spotted hoot owls now.

Grandpa Ernie announces that the ski lodge is magically back on its feet after only a few days of the gang working there so he’s going to start paying them for their work. To call this a plot contrivance is an insult to plot contrivances everywhere. No, this is more like, “We’re tired of the plot we constructed in the last two episodes so let’s abandon it in anticipation of ripping off an unrelated Saved by the Bell episode!”

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Tommy D’s supposed to be fixing the Christmas lights over the door when he inadvertently blocks this girl from getting in.  Meet Robin, who’s here to replace the Walking, Talking Plot Device who’s conveniently home spending Christmas with his family. Geez, there’s a lot of convenience in this episode, sort of like a bunch of lazy writers decided to do whatever the hell they felt like to put out this episode!

Grandpa Ernie tells Robin he tried to call her but the number on her application has been disconnected. Robin stammers for a response and says her family just had to move.

Oh god. Oh, god, no. Christmas. Lame excuses about phones being disconnected. Please don’t fucking tell me they’re going to rip off the episode I think they’re going to rip off…

Also, it looks like this is going to be a Tommy D episode. Aren’t I just lucky? It’s like a Christmas miracle…

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Meanwhile, Mr. Belding, who’s bussing tables…for some reason…has a little boy randomly squeeze his nose to humiliate him for his decision to continue on this show. BEST KID EVER!

Mr. Belding starts crying and Screech assume it’s just because the kid made fun of him, but Mr. Belding says he’s sad to be away from his wife and sun for Christmas. So…why are you chaperoning six of your students? Why not, I don’t know, be at home?

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This makes Screech make one of his constipated faces, at which point he tells Ryan and R.J. he’s going to spend his money to bring Mrs. Belding and Little Zack to the ski lodge.

Lindsay tries to make small talk with Robin, who seems to avoid Lindsay’s questions about going skiing all the time and shit. As if to further cement my fears that this is going to be a rip off of the episode I think it is, Rachel and Maria come up excited to be going into town so they can buy shit with their money. Robin doesn’t want to go, though, saying she doesn’t want cashmere sweaters like Rachel and Pearl Jam box sets like Maria and…sunglasses…like Lindsay. Did Lindsay just become the lamest girl on this show? I mean…sunglasses. That’s what she’s excited about?

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Tommy D continues his infatuation with Robin by picking her some flowers…from the vase in the front desk. While I tend to think this is another moment of Tommy D idiocy, the audience thinks it’s fucking amazing and loses their shit over the flowers. If he finds chocolate for Robin, the audience is going to have an aneurysm…

Robin can’t go to a movie with Tommy D later, though, because she has to make dinner for her brothers and her sisters. God, no…

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Tommy D catches Robin stealing food in the kitchen and even he realizes something’s up. Robin tells him that they are indeed in a horrible ripoff of “Home for Christmas,” except she’s just almost homeless because her father lost his job and her family of six is living out of a motel room. She has to make $800 as quickly as possible so he can get a new transmission for his car and he can get a new job so she can get the fuck off this show. Tommy D suggests that she switch with Rachel or Maria since waitresses make more money, but Robin doesn’t want anyone else to know and Tommy D promises not to tell.

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Screech arranges with Mrs. Belding to come to the ski lodge for Christmas. She puts Little Zack on the phone, and he’s apparently still as awesome as he was back in “Belding’s Baby” since he wants nothing to do with Screech and hangs up on him. Best. Kid. Ever.

Tommy D comes in and convinces Screech that Rachel’s really upset she can’t work the kitchen but doesn’t want to tell anybody. Screech is officially more of a moron than Tommy D and buys his story that Rachel should be moved to the kitchen and Robin to the dining room.

Mr. Belding comes in and tells Screech that he’s decided that, if he goes home and leaves the gang in the hands of Screech and Grandpa Ernie, they might just accidentally be killed, so he’s decided to go home for Christmas after all, sending Screech into a tizzie. Speaking of which, who the hell ever heard of a random school trip on Christmas? Why are none of the gang spending time with their families? We’ve seen Tommy D’s father and Lindsay’s mother, but do they still exist? Oh, the mysteries this show presents…

The next day, Ryan and R.J. help Screech keep Mr. Belding from going to the bus station. How do they accomplish this, you ask? Why, by moving all the clocks forward and convincing him he missed his bus. And he buys it and dejectedly decides he has to take the afternoon bus. Wow, that was easy. No wonder Zack Morris never had trouble conning Mr. Belding. If these idiots can do it, anyone can.

Screech tells Robin he’s changed her assignment. Tommy D tells her he didn’t tell anyone her secret and that it must have just been good luck.

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So the plan to prevent Mr. Belding from making the afternoon bus is to get him to help Ryan and R.J. cut down a tree. Yeah, no kidding. Mr. Belding goes along with it because he thinks he has plenty of time and because he hasn’t learned after eight years in this franchise not to trust anyone.

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Meanwhile, Rachel’s pissed about being in the kitchen and Maria thinks Robin’s snooty for wanting bigger tips. They go to take a break while Tommy D checks on Robin. She’s upset she’s running out of customers to fleece so Tommy D takes a couple from Maria’s section and reseats them in Robin’s. Rachel and Maria see this and, of course, it’s jumping to conclusions time as they think Robin’s greedy because she waited on customers while Maria was outside getting it on with Rachel.

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Ryan and R.J. give Mr. Belding a rubber headed ax to chop the tree down with and tell him not to touch the head. No joke, he listens to them and just starts trying to chop the tree down. And he keeps on chopping. And doesn’t even question why he’s not making even a dent in the tree.  This continues until Mr. Belding only has a half hour to catch his bus and decides to go catch the bus. Screech distracts him for the last half hour by, and I’m not joking, running around the tree in a circle. And…Mr. Belding doesn’t question it. He just runs around in a circle around the tree for a half hour until he misses his bus.

Is everyone in this universe an idiot?

Mr. Belding says that, tomorrow being Christmas, there’s only one bus, and nothing will make him miss it because he wants a break from all this idiocy with the wife and son he neglects most of the year to go to ski lodges and on cruise ships and while he’s working in the mall.

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Robin, meanwhile, is grateful for being a waitress, which automatically makes Lindsay, Rachel and Maria assume that she’s been sucking up to Screech. They go over to tell off Robin and she tells them to fuck off with their “Walkmans” and cashmere sweaters and sunglasses. She rushes off to a better show where coworkers act like real coworkers.

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It’s Christmas Day and, what’s the plan for keeping Mr. Belding from catching his bus today? Why, lock him in luggage storage and claim the door’s broke, of course! Mr. Belding’s really bad about getting locked in closets. This just happened back in “Air Screech.” He just needs to come out of the closet and get it over with.

However, I do have to say that this is cruel and I don’t know why shows do this sort of thing. I mean, I get Screech is trying to surprise Mr. Belding, but he’s got the poor man thinking he’s going to miss his bus and not get to see his family on Christmas. This is just mean and I’d be upset at whoever pulled this bull shit on me.

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Tommy D asks the girls if they’ve seen Robin and the girls tell Tommy D all about the encounter last night. Tommy D tells them they’re all selfish self-righteous bitches and proceeds to give them the plot of the episode. The girls feel bad and want to apologize but Grandpa Ernie told her not to come in and to spend Christmas with her family.

We cut to the exact same scene where Tommy D’s asked Screech to call Robin in for the Christmas party.

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Meanwhile, Screech, Ryan, and R.J. learn that Grandpa Ernie let Mr. Belding out of the luggage room and that he should have been just in time to make his bus. This makes Screech realize how much of a failure of a human being he is, but not so much that he isn’t going to be around for four more fucking wonderful seasons to remind me why this was one of the worst shows ever created.

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Speaking of incompetence, they actually brought Mrs. Belding back, and Screech has to explain to her and Little Zack why he’s such a dumb ass. Is it just me or is Little Zack Hyper Growing. I mean, last time we saw him, two years ago, he was but an infant. Now it looks like he’s a preschooler. Guess he has that disease kids on television shows get that make them age really fast.

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Robin comes in and is overwhelmed to discover her family there. The gang brought her family in to share a nice Christmas with her. Check out the boy on the left, who I assume is supposed to be her brother, looking like, “Why the hell did you bring me on this show with these stupid dumb asses?”

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Mr. Belding comes in and says he hopped on a bus but that it’s the wrong bus and happened to be the circle route that brought him right back to the ski lodge. That…makes absolutely no sense, like most of this episode. In any case, Mr. Belding is about to give it to Screech for ruining his life…

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When Little Zack runs up and greets him with a hearty, “Daddy!” Yep, hyper aging. Mr. Belding isn’t pissed at all for the psychological trauma Screech inflicted on him, but, instead, thanks him for nearly ruining his entire Christmas.

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The gang give Robin all the money Grandpa Ernie paid them so her dad can get a new transmission. See, I told you there was a contrived reason Grandpa Ernie suddenly wanted to compensate his underage employees! Robin thanks Tommy D with a kiss on the cheek, which excites the audience so much I’m convinced at least one member had a stroke.

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And our episode ends with Mr. Belding, Screech, and the gang gathering all the guest stars and extras to regale the customers as well as you and me with a rousing rendition of “We Wish You a Merry Christmas.” And it would be a Merry Christmas if it weren’t for the fact that it’s June and that I’m watching The New Class. At least it’s the last real episode of the season. God, I hate this show.

Saved by the Bell Season 4, Episode 16: “Slater’s Sister”

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We open with Zack Morris looking surprised that the camera caught him talking on the phone. Who was he talking to? I have two guesses: either a phone sex line or Dionne Warwick’s Psychic Friends Network, who told him that his mystical powers would soon allow him to break the fourth wall. Oh, Saved by the Bell, you never cease to amaze me with how nonsensical you can be!

Anyway, Zack Morris lets us in on the plot of the week: that Bayside is holding a ’50s style Sock Hop! Geez, this season was really scraping the bottom of the barrel for plot ideas, weren’t they? I mean, at this point, it doesn’t even seem like they’re trying. It’s like watching Dustin Diamond’s career: it started out with such promise and then crashed and burned!

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Screech is an idiot like usual and didn’t bother to find out what sock hop is so he just hops around with no shoes on because HAHA IT’S A PUN SO IT’S SUPER FUNNY! GET IT? SOCK HOP! COME ON, GUYS! LAUGH! THEY SPENT ALL MORNING THINKING THAT ONE UP!

Meanwhile, since Jessie’s locked in Zack Morris’s basement this week in addition to Kelly, Ginger fills in for Kelly at The Max, and the gang regale her with their order fifties barber shop quartet style. Well, it wold be that style if it the editors had done any work to make it sound like the words they’re singing are actually their voices. Ginger, being in a competition with Screech, Ox, and Tommy D for dumbest character in this franchise, thinks they’re good and that they ought to perform at the sock hop. Zack Morris says they will be performing, but not as their former band, Zack Attack, but as their new musical endeavor, the Five Aces.

Assuming they’re using “ace” as an adjective, that means they’re the Five “Very Goods.” If they’re talking about the playing cards, they’re all Screech level dumb at this point.

After Ginger leaves, Slater tell the gang that his sister, J.B., is home for a couple of weeks. Tori asks Slater how it is he’s been on this show four years and has never mentioned the fact he has a sister. The rest of the gang tell Tori not to be dumb because Slater totally talks about his sister all the time, just when the camera is turned off. She’s been at boarding school last year and spent the summer in Europe. She’s a tomboy, which Screech points out is like Tori, which is good because it gives someone an excuse to slap Screech upside the head.

I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised. After all, Kelly, Jessie, and Mr. Belding all had siblings who developed bad cases of Chuck Cunningham syndrome after their only appearances on the show.

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At Bayside, Mr. Belding’s upset that he’s been signed up for a “male sensitivity seminar,” which means he has to sit around all weekend getting in touch with his emotional side, which is just stupid because everyone knows men don’t feel feelings! I wouldn’t even bother to mention this whole exchange except it does play a role in the plot later.

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And meet J.B. Slater, who’s become feminine and grown boobs and shit, which means Zack Morris now doesn’t recognize her and thinks she’s totally hot. After she has a brief opportunity to catch up with the gang, Slater takes J.B. along to wrestling practice.

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Since Zack Morris has a horrible boner he can’t seem to get rid of because of J.B., he decides to go along with her to Slater’s practice. He distracts her with sexy talk of growing up so that she misses seeing Slater throw men around in a singlet. They discover they’re each single, which I would assume will surprise Tori, and Zack Morris invites J.B. to The Max with him since wrestling practice is so fucking boring.

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The next day, Lisa’s wet over Zack Morris dating J.B. and is convinced Slater will be happy for them.

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Slater is less than thrilled with the news, though, and says that he can’t let Zack Morris go out with his sister because he’s a piece of shit who treats women as objects. Wow, he dated Jessie too long. He’s developed a mild case of quasi-feminism!

At The Max, Slater wants Screech to ask J.B. out first since he’s a repulsive insect, but Screech fucks it up, much like everything else in his life, giving Zack Morris the opportunity to asks J.B. to the movies. Since Tori is present and not upset at all, I can only assume this is an out of order episode from before they dated. If not, then she’s taking the news she’s being dumped for Slater’s sister very well. Either way, I’m really confused.

But, yeah, Slater decides he can’t allow Zack Morris and J.B. to go to the movies alone so he forces Tori into a double date.

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At the movies, the date goes about how you’d expect, with Slater doing everything in his power to get between Zack Morris and J.B., both literally and figuratively.

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Tori gets pissed that Slater’s paying more attention to his sister than her because it’s getting fucking creepy in an incestuous way at this point. Slater finally fakes chocking on a piece of popcorn and convinces the others to take him home.

At Bayside, Tori tells Lisa how much of a jack ass Slater acted on the date.

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Slater’s in a good mood despite Tori telling him off because he believes that, now that Zack Morris has been on one date with J.B., he’ll tire of her and move on. Okay, this entire episode is driving me crazy with how they’re characterizing Zack Morris. He’s an ass, but it’s not like he’s never been in a multi-episode relationship. In fact, we’ve seen him in three multi-episode relationships over the course of this series. He may be a horny little bastard hoping to lose his cursed virginity at times, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have actual relationships.

To hell with actual continuity, though. We’ve got an episode to force on like the contrivance it is, and, naturally, Zack Morris likes J.B. enough that he wants to ask her out again. That, and the little asshole is concerned about how Slater is after the choking incident that was obviously faked. Zack Morris asked J.B. to the sock hop because…that’s the only reason this episode has a sock hop!

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Mr. Belding did, indeed, get in touch with his feminine side at the seminar and now he is more than willing to admit to our male leads that he loves them. He loves them a lot! He’s so in touch with his feelings he wants to help them as well, so he says that, during gym class, the boys will be bonding over sharing how they really feel because we need a transparent way for Slater to get pissy at Zack Morris.

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I remember the more naive times when I thought “Running Zack” was the worst abomination of Native American cultural ideas I’d ever see in this series. Unfortunately, fourth season Saved by the Bell is here to prove me wrong. Yes, Mr. Belding with a bare skin on his head is here to lead a talking stick ceremony that starts with a primal scream, or Mr. Belding doing his impression of Captain Caveman. I’m not even fucking kidding. Why is it the writers of this show think Native Americans are somehow linked to The FlintstonesThe talking stick ceremony is sacred to many Native American tribes, and using it so flippantly as just a means to therapy is very culturally insensitive. I almost expect Screech and Zack Morris to come out in their bad racist costumes again. What Screech does do at one point is use the talking stick to scratch his back. Die, Screech. Die a horrible painful death you idiot.

The assembled extras including Pete and Ox start talking about their deep seated emotional insecurities about the cliched roles they play at Bayside in the high school pyramid as if their high school peers would not use such insecurities to mercilessly make fun of them.

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Of course, we eventually get to the real point of this scene: Slater telling Zack Morris how he feels about him dating J.B.  He says Zack Morris stabbed him in the back and abused his friendship by dating J.B. Um, no. He told you right after he decided to date J.B. and you acted like it was no big deal until you decided to have a hissy fit. The one at fault is you for dragging this fucking plot out for sixteen minutes. In any case, he says he’s not going to the sock hop because of them.

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That night, while on a date with J.B., Zack Morris keeps creepily seeing Slater’s face on the female Slater, no doubt the result of more pent up emotions he should have expressed during the cultural misappropriation of the talking stick ceremony. He tells J.B. they should date or go to the sock hop and takes her home.

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The writers didn’t feel like building the set for the Slater residence again or bringing back Major Slater, so hey just randomly have J.B. come in the next day during wrestling practice to tell off Slater. Seriously, are they not staying in the same house? That must have been an awkward night after Zack Morris dropped her off. She’s been holding it in all this time. In any case, J.B. tells Slater that he’s an asshole for trying to run his life and going along with this horribly cliched plot, and storms out leaving Slater feeling bad for his conduct.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, it’s time! Time for what you ask? Why, let’s ask Malcolm McDowell!

We’re going to the so’ ‘op, ladies and gentlemen!

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And at this wonderful celebration of what Saved by the Bell thinks the ’50s were like, we find Zack Morris dating the punch bowl while J.B. pays attention to the food. Guess she’s an emotional eater, in addition to dressing up like Betty Rubble.

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Speaking of bad dressing, Mr. Belding, for some reason, dresses as Squiggy from Laverene and Shirley, and wants to sing in the Five Aces in Slater’s place. The gang think this is way over the top in boundary crossing and decline his offer.

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Slater comes in and apologizes to Zack Morris and J.B. for acting so creepily jealous over his sister this episode and adding fuel to the fire of those fan fics that will claim Zack Morris and Slater should have been a couple. All the while, Mr. Belding stands around in the background with a self-satisfied look on his face as if he did something this episode other than co-opt religious rituals and dress like annoying sitcom characters. Zack Morris and J.B. share their only kiss as the audience loses their shit, ironically proving Slater right that Zack Morris would soon forget about his little sister.

vlcsnap-2015-06-13-21h47m24s61Our episode ends with the newly-reunited Five Aces performing, and they’re the most magical band ever since, in addition to singing with voices that’s dubbed worse than Milli Vanilli, they can now make the sounds of musical instruments that aren’t there, which is strange since they’ve previously established all the gang except Tori can play musical instruments, so why didn’t they bring in fucking musical instruments? Were they over their prop budget from those really sparkly strings dangling in the background behind them? In any case, our gang becomes, once again, the center of attention of the Bayside student body as the rest of the students wonder why they’re in the school district where you have to be up Zack Morris’s ass to be important in any way to the functioning of the school.

The New Class Season 3, Episode 24: “The Fallout”

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Isn’t it great that, a whole six weeks after we had part one of this huge ripoff of the Zack Morris and Kelly break-up, we finally get to have part two? Yes, after touring the seas on the S.S. Suspension of Disbelief, learning the evils of cigarette smoking at the mall, and even witnessing Screech’s delusions of importance in his own mind, we’re back at the ski lodge which, if you can remember from six weeks ago, is now buried in snow. So, do we get a recap of this episode to remind us what happened?

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Of course not! You’re supposed to remember everything that happened over a month ago because we go directly to Ryan obsessing over a photo of Lindsay and pulling the petals off a daisy. To be fair, that daisy is the best damned actor in this episode.

Ryan’s pissed that he’s snowed in at the ski lodge and can’t get off this damned show because there was so much snow it trapped them there and now he has to eat food prepared by Lindsay and what’s his name. Seriously, I couldn’t remember the guy’s damned name. After all, he was a living breathing doll six weeks ago that served no purpose other than give Lindsay a girl erection. The snow sure didn’t stop Tommy D from finding a way to make it there, though, because he’s here to give us some more of his stupidity as the rest of the gang come in trying to cheer up Ryan. Aren’t I just lucky.

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Since Ryan doesn’t want to come down stairs for fear of seeing Lindsay and her breathing blow up doll, Screech comes in to try to cheer him up by reminding us of the plot point about the gang running the ski lodge, and to come right out and say he still pines for Lisa. She needs to get a restraining order before she ends up a victim on America’s Most Wanted. Seriously, he’s still obsessed over here when he left Bayside three years ago and, as far as we know, has only seen her three times since? He has issues…

Screech’s talk inexplicably convinces Ryan to get dressed and go downstairs. After all, this plot isn’t going to advance itself!

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Downstairs, Ken and Barbie…I mean, Lindsay and the living breathing plot device…talk about what’s bothering Lindsay: that she hasn’t seen Ryan since she told him that the writers were pulling her strings in a different direction and she’s worried about him. McGuffin tells Lindsay that maybe she should try to talk to him, and Ryan just happens to walk in with the rest of the gang at that very moment. How convinent! Of course, he won’t talk to her, and walks by in the best version of an awkward moment actors on The New Class can cook up.

Ryan sits down for breakfast with the gang and Rachel decides the best way to get Ryan’s mind off Lindsay is to establish the subplot of the week: R.J.’s birthday which, inexplicably, nobody knew about until this very moment so let’s throw him a party and shit! They’re not even trying at this point, are they? Are the writers just phoning this shit in from the beach and saying, “Yeah, let’s do the Lisa’s birthday suplot from ‘The Aftermath’ too except let’s make it R.J. since he’s the blandest character this season”? God, could this show get any more derivitive? Have they never heard of an original plot?

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As if to answer my nightmares, it’s time to introduce the second subplot, involving Grandpa Ernie and his bat-shit crazy friends being involved in a lodge called the “Fraternal Order of the Spotted Hoot Owl.” No, I’m not kidding. They are, seriously, running around imitating this little guy with insane dances and bird calls:

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Now I like owls. Why did The New Class have to go and besmirch their good name with an episode about three old men recently escaped from a mental asylum doing a Daffy Duck-like impersonation of them? I take it all back. Give me the derrivative plots! At least they’re not…this!

But, no, Mr. Belding and Screech decide they can only hope to rise to the level of crazy these three are exhibiting, meaning our third subplot is going to involve the two of them acting crazy to become spotted hoot owls. I can’t believe I just typed that…

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Lindsay and the Maltese Falcoln, meanwhile, makeout on the back deck to console Lindsay over Ryan having emotions regarding the forced break-up bad television writers are forcing him to endure.

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Ryan leads Jackie Kennedy out and sees the kiss. He naturally runs back inside, cursing the writers of The New Class for predictable writing and emotional tug-o-wars.

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Time for the spotted hoot owl initiation to begin, starting with giving them special names and flapping their arms around the room as the extras look on in horror. God, shoot me now…

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Ryan decides the best way to get back at Lindsay is to get a date with pretty girl Sonya, and she must be a knock out, because she says her name and the audience loses their shit. Seriously, somebody needs to get this audience laid before they explode in their pants. I don’t know why they’re so exicted about Sonya. The only other thing she ever did was appear as “Pancake Breakfast Extra” in a 1998 episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000. A truly distinguished career she had. But, yeah, Ryan asks her out to dinner that night as Jackie Kennnedy looks on in the background.

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God, this shit again? Yeah, Tommy D, Rachel, and Maria make a video for R.J.’s birthday that includes Mr. Belding and Screech insanely making owl noises anytime someone says, “Who!” Why, R.J. will be able to look back on this tape years later and know exactly why he’s in rehab!

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The next step is to record Lindsay and the mannequin making R.J.’s birthday cake. Unfortunately, they leave Tommy D in charge of the icing and, being a complete dumb ass, he eats all the icing. How many more episodes is he in again?

Ryan comes in and invites Lindsay and her blow-up doll to dinner, saying he’s decided it doesn’t help anyone to be mad.

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At dinner, Lindsay’s surprised that the Pancake Extra came to dinner. Ryan acts about the ass you’d expect, and I’m not defending him like I did Zack Morris. At least Zack Morris was just going on dates to The Max when he was in this plot. Ryan’s putting Lindsay down and giving Pancake Extra Lindsay’s necklace from six weeks ago.

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Lindsay gets pissed when she realizes what’s going on and pours her soup all over Ryan. She drags blow-up doll off to have another make-out session.

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Pancake Extra’s none too happy, either, and pours her soup on Ryan as well. Actually, if my career consisted of pouring hot liquid on a The New Class actor and later being in an episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000, you know, that might not be such a bad career after all.

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The final part of Mr. Belding and Screech’s initiation is to wear ricidulous looking owl costumes and spend the night in an area notorious for grizzly bears. Grandpa Ernie’s just fucking with them at this point, isn’t he? Mind you, if this subplot gets Screech killed, it may be well worth it.

Ryan gets pissed that the gang think he’s a tool for going along with this stupid subplot. He decides to leave in the morning, meaning he’ll miss R.J.’s birthday party.

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On a set with fake snow, some obviously fake bear growls can be heard, and suddenly out pop three people in bear costumes. Of course, as seems to happen in every television show and movie, Mr. Belding believe that these are real bears and run off. At this point, I could have believed this was The New Class‘s actual response for the need to have a grizzly in an episode but, no, it’s Grandpa Ernie and his insane friends. Yeah, they’re fucking with Mr. Belding and Screech.

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At the ski lodge the next morning, Ryan has a very special talk with Mr. Belding, and you can almost hear the manipulative music coming on. Ryan says he doesn’t want to stay at the lodge because of Lindsay. Mr. Belding tells him to get the fuck over it and finish out the season since she’ll be gone in a few episodes anyway. Mr. Belding tells him if he can’t grow the fuck up, he has Mr. Belding’s blessing to leave.

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At R.J.’s birthday party, Mr. Belding and Screech tell all kinds of stupid lies about wrestling grizzlies and shit. Grandpa Ernie’s crazy friends reveal it was them the whole time, and they tell Mr. Belding and Screech they were just fucking with them and they’re now official spotted hoot owls. God that was a stupid subplot.

R.J. watches his video, starting with Tommy D sneezing and being covered in snow Looney Tunes style. Then there’s a special message from Ryan about being at his birthday and then out pops Ryan and shit and happy birthday, bland character who really had nothing to do with this episode! The video must not have been very interesting, too, because Ryan’s presence makes everyone forget to watch the rest and go off to dance instead. How kind of them to be so considerate of all the people who made the stupid thing.

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Ryan takes Lindsay outside and they make-up and agree to be friends for the two more episodes she’s on the show since their love was never much more than making out anyway.  And our episode ends with Ryan and Lindsay going into the party to get some cake and prepare for one more stupid episode at the ski lodge. God, I wish I had some cake instead of thirty less minutes of my life I spent watching this stupid show.

Saved by the Bell Season 4, Episode 15: “The Teacher’s Strike”

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We open at The Max where Screech and Lisa randomly study for the Academic Bowl. Screech, being a complete moron, quizzes Lisa on the zip code of Northern Zimbabwe. Lisa’s justified in her puzzlement over the question since not only does Northern Zimbabwe not use the zip code system, an American invention and convention, but such an obscure question would never make it into an Academic Bowl. I guess that’s supposed to pass as a joke, but I can imagine being puzzled as a kid over how this is supposed to be funny.

Zack Morris and Slater, meanwhile, are sick of waiting for the conclusion to the Ryan and Lindsay breaking up story over at The New Class so they plan on going skiing Friday. Lisa’s all, “How are you going to get out of class Friday?” and Zack Morris tells her that he’s sure he’ll come up with some contrived way to ensure he finds out whether Ryan will stay pissed at Lindsay forever or not. Also, they say it’s winter break, but isn’t winter break over Christmas at most schools? If this is the case, why do they have to go to school? Did Mr. Belding decide that school shouldn’t let out at all anymore?

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Kelly didn’t get out of Zack Morris’s basement in time for this week’s episode so Jessie’s randomly working at The Max because the writers believe that you can just let anyone fill in at your job anytime you wish. Yeah, there’s no explanation given for why Kelly’s away. She’s just randomly not there. Also, Jessie believes t-shirts are sexist outfits. Yeah, they were that desperate to shoehorn in some quasi-feminism. She also thinks the zip code of Northern Zimbabwe is KR1 37X. It’s totally not and she’s totally an idiot.

Screech randomly mentions that the teachers are randomly renegotiating their contracts in the middle of the year because plot, which gives Zack Morris an idea for getting out of school.

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So welcome back Mr. Tuttle for his final appearance in the Saved by the Bell universe. Yeah, he was one of he few smart enough to stay away from the abomination that is The New Class. Here, he’s the head of the teacher’s union and uncharacteristically civil towards Mr. Belding as the latter gives the teacher’s union everything they asked for.

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Zack Morris and Slater come in, suddenly pretending to work for the newspaper because our gang are the only ones who do anything at Bayside. They tell Mr. Belding they’re doing an interview about the academic bowl and record Mr. Belding saying a bunch of shit that’s obviously going to be spliced and used out of context to piss off Mr. Tuttle by the next scene. At this point, no competent adult at Bayside should trust anything Zack Morris does and should assume the worst about his intentions. Fortunately for the plot, there are no competent adults in Peter Engel land.

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Since Mr. Tuttle is the jack-of-all-trades at Bayside, he’s also the academic adviser for the Academic Bowl, and his team consists of Dumb, Dumber, and Dumbest. Yeah, you’re not going to convince me these are the three smartest students at Bayside. For one, Screech is a moron. Two: Lisa? REALLY!?!? Were they that desperate for a third person on the team they overlooked her obvious deficiencies of intelligence and put her on to round out the group?

Yeah, Screech is portrayed here as a savior to the team and answers questions even before Mr. Tuttle is done. I don’t know why this show likes to randomly portray Screech as a genius some times and an idiot at others, but it makes me hate him even more.

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Zack Morris and Slater come in to interview Mr. Tuttle about the Academic Bowl and randomly play back the spliced quotes from Mr. Belding, including one suggesting Mr. Tuttle should have been fired years ago. This pisses Mr. Tuttle off enough that he goes and tells some other teachers and they decide to strike. Uh, what are you going to strike about? That your boss is a jerk? He’s meeting all your demands. Strikes require a goal that will end the strike. You can’t just randomly strike because your boss is an ass.

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But this is Saved by the Bell logic, where nothing makes sense and anything goes, so it works, and the duo pat themselves on the back that such a patently ridiculous scheme worked.

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We cut to the next Monday and the trip being over. Not much to say here other than they didn’t discover the second part of the Ryan-Lindsay break-up and Screech went skiing in his underwear….for some reason. Yeah, they attempt to provide an explanation, and even that sounds ridiculous. The important thing is that Zack Morris and Slater randomly decide they want some more time off so they plan on sabotaging negotiations between Mr. Belding and Mr. Tuttle, because, at this point, they’re just acting like jack asses anyway.

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At Bayside, the duo convince Mr. Tuttle that the teacher’s need to demand respect and, since he’s easily manipulated, Mr. Tuttle agrees and tells Mr. Belding he’s going to continue the strike. How are you going to negotiate for respect? Demand that Mr. Belding wear a tube top and sing Aretha Franklin? Seriously, do the writers of this show have absolutely no fucking clue how unions work?

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Mr. Belding, dismayed, tells the gang that the strike could go on for the semester, which won’t be long since it’s supposed to be time for winter break, but which, crucial for this episode, means the Academic Bowl will be cancelled. This causes Screech to put on a face like he just ate a lemon. Either that or he’s doing another racist impression. With Screech, it’s hard to tell.

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Zack Morris and Slater go to the teacher’s union meeting that night in an attempt to settle the strike so people will stop hating them for doing stupid things. They offer the teachers stupid stuff like using Mr. Belding’s office as a teacher’s lounge and Mr. Belding parking with the teachers. This apparently equals respect in the eyes of the teachers and the strike is over, meaning this entire plot, the plot the episode is named after, has been a bunch of stupid time wasting that doesn’t effect the rest of the episode whatsoever.

There are three questions this scene does raise for me, though:

  1. If this is a teacher’s union meeting, where are Miss Simpson and Mr. Dewey? We know they continue teaching in The New Class so where were they? This seems like a huge oversight on the part of the writers, but what do you expect from the idiots who thought Screech sexually harassing Lisa would make a great running gag?
  2. Why do the teachers not have a teachers’ lounge already? Is Mr. Belding using school board money for hookers and blow? Seriously, every school I’ve ever been in has a teachers’ lounge. It’s kind of a standard feature.
  3. Why is Bayside’s parking lot so far away from the school it requires a shuttle bus? They don’t have that many students. Maybe they make the students park at the airport and commute back to Bayside.

In any case, let’s forget about this plot, because the writers sure did!

 

 

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At Academic Bowl practice, Screech comes in dressed in the Fourth Doctor’s scarf, which apparently indicates that he’s sick from being in his underwear on the ski trip. He suddenly faints and the others take him to the hospital.

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At Bayside, Jessie’s hella pissed that their star idiot is in the hospital with plot contrivance-itis and won’t be able to compete in the Academic Bowl. She blames it on Zack Morris and Slater since they personally made Screech be born the moron he constantly proves himself to be and Lisa suggests they might have to forfeit. vlcsnap-2015-06-07-19h10m13s82

This leads Valley’s team (of course it’s Valley competing against them…of course…) to come in and talk smack about Bayside being unable to beat them without a complete imbecile who is certifiably loony competing against them. Zack Morris tells them that this episode has to end somehow so he’ll compete against them in Screech’s place.

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The producers decided to get their money’s worth out of the hospital set from “The Surgery,” so the gang visit Screech in the hospital where Zack Morris tries to pump Screech for knowledge. The only intelligible thing he can get, though, is Screech’s stupid mnemonic for remembering the order of the planets from the sun, which makes no sense as it’s only uttering nonsense to the letter sounds. Um, I learned a better one in first grade: “MVery Educated Mother Just Served UNine Pizzas.” See, a mnemonic has to actually help you remember something, and this one has stuck in my head for twenty-seven years. It’s still very helpful. Well, except for the fact that Pluto’s no longer a planet. RIP, Pluto.

Well, since Bayside can’t win on their actual merits, they plan to do something they’re very good at: cheat! Slater pretends to be pissed at the rest of the gang and tells the Valley team that he found out the final category will be sports and that they should specifically study football. Why this helps Bayside isn’t clear in this scene as they don’t do a very good job of explaining any of this, but it seems to make enough sense to the Valley team that they go to study football.

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Skip ahead to the day of the Academic Bowl. I won’t bore you with a recap of most of this, but, suffice it to say, most of the questions are quite reasonable for what you’d expect from a high school academic bowl. At the final round, Valley leads Bayside, and the final category, indeed, is sports. I guess Slater must have been struck by lightning and been able to see the future It seems that Mr. Belding is cheating as well because he says Bayside gets to choose what sort of sport the questions will be on since Mr. Belding just happens to have prepared questions for every imaginable sport. Except curling. Nobody understands curling.

Zack Morris picks basketball since no nerds understand sports they haven’t studied in depth, and Bayside naturally gets all the sports questions, with Valley answering ridiculous football related answers. With the two schools tied, the tie breaker is to name the planets in order of their distance from the sun, and Zack Morris somehow remembers Screech’s ridiculous mnemonic, winning the competition for Bayside, because plot.

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And the moral of this episode, kids, is that cheaters win and liars don’t receive consequences for their actions. Also, R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Find out what it means to Mr. Tuttle.

God, what a stupid episode.

 

The New Class Season 3, Episode 23: “No Smoking”

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We’re back at the mall this week where Mr. Belding and Screech almost immediately make asses of themselves trying to get off the elevator. We get some dialogue about how Mr. Belding and Screech are setting up for his brother-in-law’s new candy store. Wait…so this episode should have aired before “My Best Friends?” Geez, ever think that would clear up the confusion on why the hell they were working at a candy store? In any case, there’s still no explanation what happened to the sporting goods store so I’m just going to assume Screech somehow blew it up after the whole Air Screech fiasco.

Tommy D approaches them and talks about dressing as Pocohantas. Geez, this episode just took a turn for the worse. I’ll be picturing that all night…

And because I love sharing my pain with you, my loyal readers, here’s an artist’s rendition of what that hideous hybrid might look like…

Tommy D Pocahantas

Try getting that out of your mind…

The real reason Tommy D’s there is to provide some exposition about Mall Mania, which is apparently an annual event in which mall stores get to show off their merchandise in an elaborate show. Also, we find out one of our subplots for the episode is going to be Screech buying joke candy for the store and we start out this barrel of laughs with Screech tricking Mr. Belding into eating spicy candy. Why does he still have a job anywhere?!?!?!

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Mall Mania mania has spread to Lindsay and Rachel, who hope to be models for the store they’re working at, La Boutique. Ryan just hopes he gets to perv on his current girlfriend and future girlfriend’s breasts at some point in the show.

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Oh, and Tommy D randomly took up smoking. Yeah, it’s never explained why or when he started smoking, but it’s a great introduction for a very special episode no one ever asked for or wanted! The gang judge him slightly for being a smoker but all I can really think of right now is, “I remember when smoking was legal in most public places!”

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At La Boutique, Lindsay and Rachel try to suck up to their boss, Mr. Hugo, but he’s already asked random beautiful women Laura and Ashley to be his models. Also, Mr. Hugo puts any previously effeminate gay stereotype in the history of cinema and television to shame. This guy is so flaming I’m waiting for him to say, “Flame on!” and become the Human Torch.

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Laura and Ashley share stories with Lindsay and Rachel about what it’s like to be a model. One of them pulls out a pack of cigarettes and offers one to Rachel who refuses. Lindsay, however, randomly accepts one because the writers of this show have no fucking clue why kids start smoking. Yeah, a random offer from a stranger gets you hooked on cigarettes. Keep telling yourself that.

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Meanwhile, Mr. Belding can’t stop eating the merchandise so Screech gives him a lollipop that…sticks to your tongue. Geez, no wonder the store was in such a dire financial situation in “My Best Friends” if this is the shit they sell!

Mr. Belding tells Screech that this is a stupid fucking subplot so he should send back all the trick candy. When Tommy D comes in with a fresh shipment, Screech somehow knows telepathically that the candy on the left is trick candy so he tells Tommy D to send that back. Tommy D, being a fucking idiot, immediately which side he’s supposed to send back. Sorry, can’t blame Tommy D being a moron on smoking. He didn’t need nicotine to destroy his non-existent brain cells.

Lindsay, meanwhile, gets ready to smoke her third cigarette of the day because she’s instantly hooked I guess or some shit. Rachel judges her for it. Lindsay hides the cigarette when she sees Ryan coming because she doesn’t want judgment from him. He and R.J. invite the girls to lunch…

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But Lindsay falls behind so she can stare meditatively at her cigarette. Um, prop department, are you sure that’s tobacco in that cigarette and not something slipped in by Johnny Dakota?

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At La Boutique, Ryan hatches a plan to get Mr. Hugo to use Lindsay and Rachel as models. He pretends to be a fashion photographer and says that the girls would be great for getting young people into the store. Mr. Hugo, apparently having just been born yesterday, readily agrees to this…

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…especially when R.J. tickles the hairs on their chinny chin chins.

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Lindsay’s so happy about this turn of events that she gives Ryan a giant kiss. As soon as the audience loses their shit, though, Ryan’s all, “Dayum, girl, your breath stank!” Lindsay’s all, “I’m a casual smoker now so don’t judge me!” Geez, hiding the smoking from Ryan didn’t last long…

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And, naturally, Ryan looks on in the most judgmental face he can muster. So the writers of this show don’t understand why teenagers start smoking nor do they understand how peers typically react to other peers smoking. Yep, this episode is completely out of touch.

At the candy store, Tommy D’s depressed because the football coach demoted him due to his wind sprint times going down. It’s all because of those damned cigarettes instantly affecting his body! Screech manages to get some preachy shit in about how the easiest way to quit smoking is never to start, and Tommy D says he wants to quit but it’s so hard. Screech offers Tommy D some gum to help him, but quickly finds out it’s more trick stuff.

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He tries to stop Mr. Belding before he opens a can with those stupid fake snakes in it but it’s too late! And a load of customers come in with more of those lollipops stuck to their tongues. Mr. Belding gets pissed and tells him to quit this stupid shit before Screech runs the store into the ground.

At the club, R.J. can’t shut the hell up long enough to play stupid muzak. You know, though, with all the teenagers at this club today, The Max must really be suffering from lack of business. Maybe they just shut down on days the gang isn’t there.

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Meanwhile, Lindsay lights up another cigarette and Ryan makes her blow the smoke onto a napkin so she can see what she’s putting into her body. There’s lots of reverse peer pressure as the gang all tell her how dumb it is to smoke and how she may get lung cancer in the future, and, finally, Maria makes her go outside to smoke.

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At La Boutique, Lindsay and Rachel practice for the fashion show.

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But disaster strikes when Lindsay’s cigarette causes an expensive dress to suddenly burst into flames. That’s your problem, Lindsay! You’re not smoking cigarettes! You’re smoking miniature napalm bombs! Mr. Hugo is not amused and fires Lindsay.

So, the reasons given for not smoking in this episode are:

  1. It leaves dirty stains on napkins.
  2. You may get kicked off the football team.
  3. You may get lung cancer in a couple decades.
  4. It’s addictive.
  5. You may set random things on fire.
  6. Your friends will judge you mercilessly for not being exactly like them.

The writers of this show don’t have the slightest fucking clue about how teenagers really think, do they? Not a one of these is going to convince a teenager who either smokes or is thinking about smoking to quit because there’s a possible rationalization for every single one of them. Oh, and number six is just fucking stupid and unrealistic.

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But that doesn’t stop us from continuing this stupid plot as Ryan comes out to judge Lindsay some more. Lindsay tells him to fuck off and that, if he can’t accept her for who she is, maybe they just need to break up and she storms off to consider the fact she’s lost two mall jobs this season.

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It’s time for the Mall Mania party and the writers forget momentarily that this isn’t an episode taking place at Bayside as they have Mr. Belding announce that this is the “Bayside Mall Mania party.” Geez, it’s nice to know Bayside owns the mall now.

Anyway, Mr. Belding talks about how to make a caramel apple and suddenly the audience starts revolting. They came to hear a presentation from candy store manager. What the hell did they expect? Strippers and lap dances?

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Screech saves him by breaking out the “super loop licorice” and tying them up with it. The audience loves it because they’re all high and thus ends our stupid crazy candy subplot.

Tommy D bums a cigarette off Lindsay and tells her he wishes he’d never started. This sends Lindsay into a random dream sequence…

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Where it’s 2020…

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And no one can see her because she’s dead! Yes, this is the worst dream sequence ever. Everyone else celebrates that it’s been ten years since Tommy D quit because Lindsay died. They even have the celebration in the mall because they couldn’t be bothered to break out another set for this episode. What’s worse, though no one is supposed to be able to hear her, Tommy D actually looks directly at her at one point. That’s some great acting there, guys. Strapped on takes were you?

And…what else can one say about this? Lindsay imagines her own death. Morbid.

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It’s time for the fashion show. Maria takes Lindsay’s place to avoid more napalm incidents, but Mr. Hugo’s lost his voice and can’t narrate it. Screech remembers he once narrated a fashion show for Lisa and even mentions how much he sucked at it, and Mr. Hugo gives him the job because we only have a few more minutes left in this episode and what the hell else are you going to do? Tommy D gives Screech some “hiccup gum” by accident to ensure the whole thing goes horribly. We have a horrible, unfunny minute of Screech hiccuping until R.J. scares him. And that served absolutely no purpose whatsoever…

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Lindsay apologizes to Ryan for not listening to his judgments about her smoking and tells him that she’s quitting immediately because, like the time she became anorexic in a week, she’s managed to become addicted to smoking in a couple of days. And our episode ends with Lindsay vowing the only thing that will touch her lips is Ryan’s, at least until whenever the hell the ski lodge episode takes place in this chronology and her lips touch Greg’s. Geez, though, that will make eating and drinking rather difficult if her lips are only in existence to kiss Ryan…

So…final thoughts? It’s a horrible very special episode and will never convince anyone not to smoke. Don’t get me wrong…smoking is a nasty habit and I have never smoked a cigarette in my life. But the preachiness and jugementalism of this episode alone might make a nice argument for me to take it up. Also, if I do get lung cancer, it will prevent me from having to see the next four season of this show. Thanks, The New Class, for convincing me I’ve been wrong all these years!

Saved by the Bell Season 4, Episode 14: “The Will”

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We open with Slater jealous he wasn’t invited to girl talk. He was so hoping to be a part of pillow fights and make overs and talking about how hot Zack Morris is. And what is girl talk about you ask?

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Why, it seems Lisa has been stalking Zack Morris and Tori while they’re out on dates.

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I mean really stalking them. It’s quite creepy actually. Imagine you’re getting ready to kiss your girlfriend when Lisa leans in with a camera to snap your photo. Seriously, Lisa, this is why you can’t have a boyfriend for more than one episode. You freak them the fuck out. I think you’ve been around Screech too long.

Also, the audience totally loses their shit over a photo of Zack Morris and Tori kissing. This audience really needs to get laid before they start having wet dreams of holding hands.

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But, not to worry, our star couple randomly runs into lockers while they’re busy not paying attention to where they’re going. What would be even better is if they were walking out into traffic, and it was Screech instead of Zack Morris and Tori. That would make this entire project worth it.

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And, speaking of our resident idiot, here’s Screech now dressed as a 1930’s era golf player because the writers of this show think dressing Screech up like my grandfather will be hilarious. Turns out he’s on the “miniature golf team” because that’s totally a real thing. They’ve had their budget cut so he’s using eggs instead of golf balls because having screech act like a moron will draw all the laughs, or else encourage suicidal tendencies.

Yeah, as routinely happens when Saved by the Bell needs a random plot point, the budget for sports has been cut to the point that Tori’s field hockey team can’t afford uniforms, and Slater says the football team is using fat nerds as tackling dummies because violence against people who are different is okay when money is tight. Gee, I hope nothing happens in like the next three minutes to superficially address this crisis that I’m not buying for a second.

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Tori transfers into Mr. Tewsberry’s industrial arts class because she’s a manly woman and sucks at home ec. Seriously, I can’t figure out the point of this scene except to make sure Tori’s in the same room when Mr. Belding comes in to offer a solution to all their sports funding related needs.

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Oh, and there’s Mr. Belding now, coming around to individual class rooms in order to randomly inform us that a wealthy alumni of Bayside who invented the elastic band on underwear died and left the school $10,000 in his will to be spent on superficial stuff that will soon be forgotten about next year when The New Class needs to start recycling story lines. Yeah, you read that right. The writers were just biding their time and collecting a few more paychecks at this point, weren’t they? Mr. Belding says students will get to vote on suggestions on what to do with the money in the gym tomorrow.

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And, through the magic of jump cuts, it’s the gym tomorrow! Oh, Saved by the Bell, if the pace of your storytelling were the speed limit, it would be the Autobahn.

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Screech, being the resident moron, drops lots of bugs everywhere, causing the students to scream and scatter and giving Mr. Belding a vision of what the worst six years of his life will be like. After that idiocy is over, we get some stereotypical bullshit about the boys and girls arguing about whose sports are more important and how they each want the money to go towards their gender of sports because penis and vagina and shit. Yeah, it’s stupid and makes no sense, so of course it’s a Saved by the Bell plot.

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Instead of doing his job and actually forming an ad hoc committee of faculty to decide how to spend the money since the students are acting like rejects of the Jackie Gleason School of Misogyny, Mr. Belding decides the best way to decide is a boys verses girls competition. Also, this is the best way to pad out the running time. In the first competition, each team must use clues to find puzzle pieces and solve a riddle.

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The boys fall behind when the first puzzle piece is hidden in Screech’s locker and the stupid asshole can’t remember his own combination. Slater gets tired of this shit and uses Henry Winkler magic to open the locker, revealing Screech has been homeless all this time and living in the school. I guess his parents must be so ashamed they raised someone with the IQ of a piece of dust and disinherited him.

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So both teams have all their puzzle pieces, but Ginger’s jealous that people think Screech is the biggest dumb ass on the show, so she guesses the solution to their puzzle is, “Be true to your Little House on the Prairie.” Please, can this be the episode where Pa Ingles goes mad and slaps the shit out of a bunch of idiots in a Los Angeles area school?

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Well, since the girls are acting dumber than a room full of Screeches, the boys figure out the solution to their puzzle is “Honor thy principal.” So, with that stupid little scenario done, the boys lead going into round two.

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So round two is putting together a corroborator for some reason, because apparently everyone in the Saved by the Bell universe knows how to put random car parts together. Not to worry, though, for Tori uses her lesbian powers to beat Slater at putting the corroborator together. The teams are tied going into round three.

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Round three is baking a pineapple upside down cake. Luckily, Zack Morris randomly decides to cheat and switches the knobs on the girls’ oven.

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While the boys have a perfect pineapple upside down cake, the girls have something resembling an oil spill. The boys win and get to choose how to spend $10,000.

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At The Max, the girls sit around the burnt cake and try to figure out what went wrong.

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We need to move the plot along, though, so Screech randomly comes in with the fake oven knob and tells the girls how the boys switched the knobs. Tori decides this is her big chance and tells the girls they’re going to get revenge on the boys.

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Tori’s big revenge involves all the girls turning down the boys for dates, which sends Slater into shock that he’s being turned down by random girls.

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Tori tells the boys that, until they tell Mr. Belding the truth, Bayside’s going gay and Tori will somehow make it through these tough times with the help of her good friend Lisa and some hot high school experimentation. Oh, sounds like a hot fanfic waiting to happen!

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You have got to be fucking kidding me. An “Inheritance Dance.” How many dances does this school have? Does everything just merit a dance? In a few years is The New Class going to have a “Little Zack Took His First Poo on the Big Boy Potty” dance? Or maybe that will be the “Screech Took His First Poo on the Big Boy Potty” dance.

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Anyway, the boys are in heat over the hot lesbian action going on just across the gym, so they send Zack Morris over to see if they can get in on that hot scissoring action. Seriously, I think the writers were too idiotic to realize the sexual implications of this episode. That, combined with Leanna Creel’s real life sexuality just makes this whole scene hilarious for reasons a Peter Engel show would never intend.

Anyway, Tori and Lisa tells Zack Morris they’re getting used to eating fish so he can just fuck off until he tells the truth.

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Mr. Belding prepares to give Zack Morris a check for $10,000…

Wait…after five years of Zack Morris hijinks, you’re just going to give him a check for $10,000? It’s official. Incompetence is rewarded in this franchise. I’m surprised Zack Morris isn’t making plans for a trip to Hawaii or some shit. Maybe that’s how they really got to go and not because of Kelly’s family…

Yeah, Zack Morris feels guilty and tells the truth. Tori says the girls can’t accept the check because they don’t know who really would have won the third round so Mr. Belding asks her to suggest a final competition.

vlcsnap-2015-04-30-20h24m14s170And, yeah, we’re going with fucking limbo because we needed one more ridiculous thing to finish out what has been a really stupid episode. Tori’s the last one standing which means girls’ sports get the money, and our episode ends with Tori wishing she didn’t have to like Zack Morris again so she could keep going after some of that sweet Lisa ass.

The New Class Season 3, Episode 22: “Green Card”

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Ah, we’re back aboard the S.S. Suspension of Disbelief for its final voyage before its titanic sinking into obscurity. The gang are all sad and shit that they don’t get to do this unrealistic scenario anymore and have to spend the rest of the season at other places that aren’t Bayside, but don’t fret! They have a treasure hunt to look forward to in today’s subplot so they’re all excited to have the chance to complete this cliche!

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Screech comes over with a bag full of mail for the gang. Now, I assume they stopped off at some island and he picked it up there but, if that’s the case, why’s he been randomly holding onto it all this time. Creepy… Oh, and Tommy D wrote to himself because the longer this show goes on the more special he becomes.

Screech gets a letter from Alison and Maria’s all, “Who the fuck is Alison?” Lindsay explains to her that, last year, while Rachel was dating a really horrible fake Swiss guy, they worked at a golf club whose manager was the unfunny guy from WKRP in Cincinnati. Screech fell in love with his daughter, Alison, right before she conveniently moved to New York for college. They’re still dating but the writers of this show are too lazy to remember that and actually incorporate it into the show more than once a season.

Screech reads the letter in which Alison says that she’s given up all hope of ever returning to his show, much less being a regular, so she’s dumping him for a New York guy and he should just fuck the fucking fuck off.

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The fact that Screech has lost the first girl who’s been stupid enough not to stay five hundred feet away from him since Violet has broken up with him hits Screech hard, and he finds solace in the only place he can in such moments, Mr. Belding’s supple bosoms.

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The gang start planning for the treasure hunt but feel bad that Screech is having a mental breakdown while they’re having as much fun as characters on this show can have without caffeine pills and gambling and shit. Screech comes out and cries at a picture of Alison that we the audience don’t get to see. I’m not so sure the actress who played Alison didn’t revoked the rights for this show to use her image because she was so ashamed of her role on the show.

The gang decide enough is enough and that they have to find a rebound fuck for Screech so he can leave them to their treasuring.

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The gang see Mr. Belding randomly jog by next to a beautiful woman and Ryan decides the solution to their problems is to hook Screech up with the jogger. Tommy D naturally thinks this means a homosexual relationship with Mr. Belding, which may be the most realistic thing he’s said in the last couple of years, but Ryan corrects him and they set their sights on the girl.

Her name is Inge and she’s a model from Germany with the absolute worst German accent in the world. Yeah, I don’t know for sure whether the actress is actually German, but when she sounds like a cross between Mindy from Animaniacs, Gunther from The Simpsons, and Cruella de Vil, it’s strongly suspect that she’s faking an accent and doing a shitty job at it. This is, quite literally, the only acting job this actress ever had, too, so there will never be any confirming or denying this. Was she fucking Peter Engel to get on the show or something?

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Ryan decides there’s no way this girl will date Screech unless she thinks he’s rich, so the boys dress up as Screech’s servants and tell Inge that Screech is just eccentric and doesn’t like talking about his money. She naturally trusts the word of three random guys who followed her back to her room and goes to meet her dream boat.

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The girls, meanwhile, convince Screech it’s been a whole five minutes since Alison broke up with him and he just needs to man the fuck up and get over it by going out with Inge, whom they claim just broke up with her boyfriend. He wants to keep whining and moaning but then he sees Inge and suddenly Alison instantly leaves his mind completely. Geez, way to really make me believe he was torn up over Alison breaking up with him guys. I think I have an easier time believing the Trix rabbit will one day be able to indulge in his sugary addiction that forces him to do things he’s not proud of.vlcsnap-2015-04-23-20h37m50s77

So Screech goes on a date with Inge and it’s time to indulge in the creepy faces that would prompt me to believe I was dating a serial killer.

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But, no, this is the Saved by the Bell universe and she finds him hot and sexy because his father supposedly owns a Volkswagen and despite the fact Screech doesn’t know the difference between Beethoven the composer and Beethoven the dog. As can be expected, there’s lots of Inge misinterpreting what the hell Screech is talking about and she thinks Bayside is a mansion or some shit.

Screech decides to go see his students after his hot date because that’s what people with proper professional boundaries do, right? Screech is madly in love with Inge and reveals that he asked her to marry him.

Mr. Belding finds Ryan and asks him what the hell is up with a woman actually wanting to marry Screech. R.J. reveals that they told Inge Screech was rich and Mr. Belding gives the moralistic command for them to tell Inge the truth. Oh, wow, we might finish this episode ten minutes early! After all, no sane person would marry Screech for reasons other than money!

The gang tell Inge the truth and she’s all, “That’s okay! He’s hot and charming.” Oh. The’re going to continue this shit another ten minutes, aren’t they?

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Mr. Belding tries to talk Screech into slowing things down since there has to be some sort of plot twist to make someone want to be Mrs. Samuel Powers. Screech is all, “Fuck that shit! I haven’t had sex since Alison left last year! I’m getting my dick wet!”

Meanwhile, oh, yeah, there’s a treasure hunt going on, isn’t there? The gang start finding clues and figure out they need to go to the cafe. They figure out they need to go to the shuffleboard court but, on the way, they spot the conflict.

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See, meet Rolf, Inge’s boyfriend, who has an even worse German accent than Inge, if that’s possible, and he’s definitely not German as his actor was in an episode of The College Years. We get some exposition dump because Rolf’s upset that Inge’s going to marry Screech to get a green card but Inge promises him that she can’t stand his touch and will divorce him as soon as she’s an American citizen. They kiss just as the gang round the corner and see them. The gang try to make a stealthy exit but knock down a waiter so that we can drag this shit out another five minutes or so.

The gang find Screech and try to tell him the truth, but he has a hard time believing that he’s the victim of yet another cliched plot and that he’s being used worse than he was by Punky Brewster. Inge comes in and claims that Rolf is her brother and that, in Germany, siblings just randomly romantically kiss. Screech, being an idiot and all, believes her and decides they should get married immediately so they can fit it into this episode. Tommy D randomly reminds them the captain of a ship can marry a couple, which he gets a nice slap upside the head from Lindsay for, and Screech and Inge rush off to get ready for unholy matrimony.

The gang decide to sneak in Inge’s cabin looking for evidence that she’s not who she says she is and find papers  for her to receive a green card, already signed as the wife of Screech Powers. They decide this is solid proof she’s using Screech, and it apparently is for this show’s conventions since Rolf comes in and finds them. In true Scooby-Doo villain form, Lindsay reveals the entire thing to Rolf, who promptly takes the application and locks the six in the cabin.

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Screech decides to show more creepy faces as Mr. Belding tries to convince him he has four more bad seasons left on this show and shouldn’t leave just yet. Rolf comes in and tells Inge about the gang. In response, Inge convinces Screech to start the wedding immediately in order to give us some non-existent tension to the story. Screech tells them he wants to wait for his friends who are actually his students but they’re also his friends since no one has any boundaries on this show, and Rolf tells him they aren’t coming because they still don’t believe Inge really loves Screech.

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In the cabin, the gang decide the solution to their problems is to push Lindsay out a port hole and into the swimming pool. And we get what may be the worst acting Natalia Cigliuti has ever delivered on this show, and that’s really saying something. She’s supposed to sound like she’s scared that she’s falling out a port hole but I have an easier time believing that Inge’s German or Screech is likable than that she’s scared.

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The captain starts the ceremony but, lucky for the plot, Screech is allergic to Inge’s flowers, which delays shit long enough for the gang to show up, trick Rolf into revealing the green card papers since he’s an even bigger idiot than Tommy D, if that’s possible, and save the day.

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Screech is depressed that he was used by a really bad actress and Mr. Belding consoles him that, one day, he’ll meet a girl who really loves him and she might even let him give her a Dirty Sanchez in a shitty porn film.

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Just when Screech thinks things can’t get any more contrived, he accidentally turns over the podium, revealing the treasure and our episode ends with Screech vowing to spend the money on the people who really love him, which means he’ll be donating it to some Buddhist monks somewhere with an extraordinary degree of compassion for idiots.

Saved by the Bell Season 4, Episode 13: “Isn’t it Romantic?”

Ah, it’s a clip episode and, if you read my The New Class reviews, you know I don’t review clips from episodes that I’ve already watched. I mean, what else is there to say about them that wasn’t said the first time around? Clip episodes are almost always just excuses to save money by not filming an entire new episode, and season four of Saved by the Bell has four of them. I suppose I should say that I’m grateful they at least waited until they had enough material to make actual clips. But the good thing about these episodes is your reviewer basically gets half a week off. I say half a week because I still have to review the suckiness that is The New Class.

So, let’s look briefly at the framing plot and see how transparent this attempt to pad out the number of episodes is.

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It’s Valentine’s Day and romance is in the air at The Max. Why, just look at the chemistry between these two extras who look like they’re playing that game as a kid where you stare at someone and see who blinks first.

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Then there are these two, who couldn’t obtain a copy of The Joy of Sex at Bayside’s library so they’re settling for a book simply called “Love” instead. This is about as bad as when Screech had that stupid book in Palm Desert.

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And, of course, there’s the ultimate romance of feeding your boyfriend like he’s an infant. Seriously, if someone tried to feed me, I might smack the shit out of them and tell them to buy a cat if they want to feed someone.

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These two are getting married I guess? I don’t know. He gave her a ring and didn’t say a word so I’m just going to go with they’re both mute and communicate via the contours of their smiles.

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The episode proper opens with Zack Morris declaring how much he likes Valentine’s Day because random girls he doesn’t even know stop and give him roses. Oh, Zack Morris. That’s not love. That’s a stalker.

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Kelly, for some reason, thinks Zack Morris bought roses for the whore of an ex who dumped him for a former Star Trek captain because I always buy flowers for my exes on Valentine’s Day, especially if they cheated on me.

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He realizes there’s only one girl at the table he hasn’t been with and he’ll get to her in a few weeks, so he gives both Lisa and Jessie a rose for being his one episode fling.

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Screech comes out dressed as a giant heart because he’s a fucking idiot and thinks this will win Lisa over to him since we’ve forgotten once again that he’s supposed to have gotten over Lisa.

So the clips start and the first set is about Zack Morris and Kelly and about how she supposedly went for him because he wanted her so bad. No, you went for him because you played einey meanie miney mo between him and Slater.

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Slater and Jessie fight over who wanted to go out with whom. As a result, we see a series of clips about their relationship.

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A nerd randomly steals Screech’s heart and we get a series of clips about his sexual harassment of Lisa.

We also get a miscellaneous set about the gang dating guest stars but they claim they never liked any of these people as much as their set romances within the gang.

After they waste twenty-three minutes talking about past episodes, the boys think it was a good Valentine’s Day but Kelly says it’s not over yet. She huddles with Jessie and Lisa and convinces Lisa to do the dirtiest thing she’s ever done in her life.

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So Kelly kisses Zack Morris.

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Jessie kisses Slater.

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And Lisa kisses her harasser because we needed to strip Lisa of any remaining dignity she had left. And our episode ends with Zack Morris wishing everyone a Happy Valentine’s Day even though this episode originally aired a few days before Halloween. God this show was horrible with its timing on holiday-themed episodes.

I don’t normally comment too much on the clips but there are two things I want to point out. One, a couple major romantic interests are notably missing. Stacey and Tori are nowhere to be seen. Now the explanation for Tori is obvious: she just didn’t exist yet when this episode was filmed, but they could have added in a clip or two afterwards! Stacey’s a different story, and I know someone will point out that the second clip episode is devoted to that arc, but it’s still odd that they did a clip episode on love interests without even showing one of Zack Morris’s major love interest.

Two, one clip provides evidence that what we have via the DVDs, Netflix, and reruns are cut episodes.

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This is a scene from “The Aftermath” where Slater sets Zack Morris up with Terry, an overly-masculine woman from his gym who dominates Zack Morris Rhonda Rubistelli-style. Yeah, if you don’t remember this clip, that’s because it’s been cut out of everything except this scene in the clip episode. Most shows restore cut scenes for DVD release as a service to fans. Saved by the Bell doesn’t give a shit about all that. Yeah, it shouldn’t surprise me that this is the way Saved by the Bell treats its loyal fans, but it’s disappointing nonetheless.

Well, until next week when we actually get back to a real episode and not just an excuse to have twenty-six episodes for the season!

Firsts: Clip episode.

The New Class Season 3, Episode 21: “Casino ID’s”

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Well, we’re back on the good ‘ole S.S. Suspension of Disbelief this week…

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…and speaking of suspension of disbelief, the writers of The New Class expect us to believe that, not only did Tommy D read Moby Dick (“It’s like Free Willy but with words!”) but he fully comprehended it and wrote a fifteen page book report! Boy, the writers of this show sure expect us to buy a lot of unlikely scenarios, like that Tommy D knows how to read. I think I believe Screech is an alien more than this.

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But, don’t worry, we’re soon back to believable stuff as Tommy D is such an idiot he lets the report float over the side of the deck and into the swimming pool. He soon jumps in hoping to retrieve it. Let’s hope it’s a shallow pool and the rest of the episode is all about him being in a coma.

But, no, this is all just a bit of time wasting to pad out the episode with something totally not funny. No, the main plot is that the ship is having a casino night on Saturday but Bayside students are specifically not invited. Yes, the announcement precludes them by name. The gang’s bummed out they don’t get to go to casino night because they want to gamble away all the money they don’t have.

No, instead they’ll be spending Saturday night watching I Was a Teenage Shark with Mr. Belding and Screech. After Jaws, I only watch shark related films if they involve tornados and star Tara Reid and the fourth most important guy from Beverly Hills 90210. Also, Sreech randomly tells them that Sunday is Mr. Belding’s birthday and, since he’s learning from Screech’s inappropriate professional boundaries, expects his students to throw him a party and buy him presents. Wow, I would never let my children step foot in Bayside.

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We cut to a class where we discover that, not only did Mr. Belding and Screech leave Bayside without an administrator for two months, but they also brought along an art teacher, Mr. Hathaway, because no one back at Bayside wanted to take art this semester anyway! The assignment is for the class to draw R.J.

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Oh, Tommy D, never change! Maybe you’ll show up in the Darwin Awards one day!

Screech randomly comes in and tells the gang he’s throwing a surprise party for Mr. Belding Sunday at 2:00 and that they all need to bring presents because you always get your principal presents for his birthday. Lindsay says that Mr. Belding’s not just a principal; he’s their friend because when I was in high school I liked hanging out with my principals. She says they need to get him something nice but Rachel reminds her they’re teenagers on a boat with no source of income. That’s when Ryan suggests they draw pictures to earn money.

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That’s when the gang locate a V.R. Troopers villain and offer to paint her. No, seriously, this actress played Despera on V.R. Troopers. Between this and her appearances in Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls and Baywatch Nights, I think it’s safe to assume that the casting department of The New Class only goes for top notch quality actors!

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Anyway, yeah, the painting sucks but Tommy D and Rachel come in pretending to want to buy the painting because it’s so awesome and, since she’s an idiot and keeps taking bad roles, she believes them and buys it herself. They scam a few people this way and end up with $300 to buy a present for Mr. Belding.

Ryan, meanwhile, wishes he could figure a way for them to get into casino night so they can no doubt have conflict avoiding the money they just stole. Tommy D suggests in typical, stupid Tommy D style that they just get Maria to paint them fake ids.

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No, seriously, what’s the plan? This is worse than the McLovin drivers license from Superbad. Plus, each of the gang takes a photo with the same ID, just with the name changed. Even if it did work, I think the casino would notice that all six of you morons had the same address, hair, eyes, height, weight, and birthday. But this is the S.S. Suspension of Disbelief, where all manner of idiocy is possible!

Screech walks in on them and just randomly believes they’re making a giant card for Mr. Belding because he’s an idiot. He asks the gang to distract Mr. Belding tomorrow so he can decorate the stateroom for Mr. Belding’s party and leaves because we just needed that bit of time wasting.

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At the movie, Screech seriously puts forty bags of popcorn in the microwave at once because he’s a moron. Mr. Belding subtly suggest a bunch teenagers buy him a watch for his birthday, and Screech sings a song about sharks and jeans because how could this episode get any dumber?

Ryan comes in with the fake ids and, just as Mr. Belding starts the movie, the gang sneak out.

Of course, the gang get into casino night because the S.S. Suspension of Disbelief could only afford to hire security that has no concept of the worst fake ids ever. The girls go for the slot machines and Rachel almost immediately wins a whopping $1.25. We’re in the money!

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Ryan goes for the roulette table, where he finds himself on a winning streak.

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Tommy D finds himself at the black jack table where he knows absolutely nothing about the game. He meets a woman named Hilda, who decides she wants to watch Tommy D play black jack and offers to back him so she can watch him play.

Ryan’s up $100 and, since we’re nearly twelve minutes into the episode and need some actually conflict, he ignores R.J.’s objections that this is a stupid plot point that can only turn out badly bets his $100 plus $100 of the money they stole for Mr. Belding’s present.

The girls get bored of slot machines and decide that gambling is really dumb. Tommy D, though, wins at blackjack and Hilda decides to give him a special present to celebrate his helping her win.

Ryan loses all the money on the next hand while the girls decide to leave the casino. Ryan puts the rest of the money down in an attempt to win back the money.

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Screech, being an idiot, is surprised to find out that putting forty bags of popcorn in the microwave is an idiotic idea and meets the girls, who mention casino night, which is totally not suspicious. It gives Screech the idea to win some money and buy Mr. Belding a better birthday present.

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Hilda tries to make Tommy D wear the jacket of an ’80s hair metal band singer. Even Tommy D has the intelligence to see that something’s not quite right with this Hilda woman and runs away while he has the chance.

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Screech decides to out-idiot Tommy D buy playing the change machine. Yes, Screech believes getting four quarters for a dollar is super terrific! He doesn’t see Ryan and R.J. just on the other side of the casino, though, meaning that the only purpose for this scene was to convince us Screech is a fucktard, which I needed no convincing to believe.

Ryan loses the rest of the money and prepares to face Lindsay, because she’s apparently going to be more upset about this than the rest of the gang.

The next day, Ryan and R.J. find Tommy D, who’s being chased by Hilda. Hilda tells Ryan she wants to give Tommy D a blow job to thank him for her winning streak but Ryan tells her that what Tommy D likes more than oral stimulation is a watch from the boat’s gift shop.

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The girls, meanwhile, take Mr. Belding to lunch to distract him from seeing Screech decorating. Mr. Belding, of course, expects a bunch of teenagers to buy him lunch but they just act like they have no idea it’s his birthday despite all his obvious pandering for presents. Mr. Belding goes away thinking everyone’s forgotten his birthday, even though he was there two days ago when Screech told everyone. None of this makes any fucking sense!

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Hilda comes to give Tommy D the watch but R.J. comes down dressed as the “ship’s physician” and tells Ryan that Tommy D’s contracted dolphin pox so he’s in quarantine. Hilda’s sad that she won’t get to give him the watch personally but Ryan offers to do it for her. Uh, it’s obvious how this is going to end. Why didn’t Ryan just have Tommy D accept the watch so they could turn around and give it to Mr. Belding? I mean, that would solve the obvious ending this episode is going to have. But that would make too much sense and it wouldn’t allow them to dress a cast member in a bad costume.

Mr. Belding finds the surprise party and Lindsay gives him the gang’s present. He loves the watch because it was given to him by teenagers who couldn’t afford it without stealing people’s money.

Hilda comes in and asks them to keep it down since she’s in the room across the hall. Oh, surprise ending, you’re so surprising! She sees Tommy D and then asks Ryan whether he gave Tommy D the watch.

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Ryan admits the whole plan and Rachel admits for the rest of the gang that they went to casino night. Mr. Belding tells them they all get detention on a boat for next week. I seriously don’t know what he expected out of this group. He did bring them on a boat knowing what they’re like.

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Hilda realizes she almost made a grave mistake in trying to jump Tommy D’s bone, possibly one of the few times a character is ever grossed out by underage sexual relations. She takes the watch back and runs as far away from this show as she can, never to be seen again.

Lindsay says she’s going to have a hard time forgiving Ryan for this because she, for some reason, took this all harder than the rest of the gang. Maybe this is the long awaited prequel to their breakup…WHICH WE’VE ALREADY FUCKING SEEN! Mr. Belding says that, even though he made lots of unreasonable suggestions for teenagers to buy him gifts, the best gift is their presence because we needed some sort of contrived ending to all this.

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And our episode ends with Screech making microwaves explode with popcorn, because he will always be a moron because there is no cure for whatever the hell he is.