Well, we’re back on the good ‘ole S.S. Suspension of Disbelief this week…
…and speaking of suspension of disbelief, the writers of The New Class expect us to believe that, not only did Tommy D read Moby Dick (“It’s like Free Willy but with words!”) but he fully comprehended it and wrote a fifteen page book report! Boy, the writers of this show sure expect us to buy a lot of unlikely scenarios, like that Tommy D knows how to read. I think I believe Screech is an alien more than this.
But, don’t worry, we’re soon back to believable stuff as Tommy D is such an idiot he lets the report float over the side of the deck and into the swimming pool. He soon jumps in hoping to retrieve it. Let’s hope it’s a shallow pool and the rest of the episode is all about him being in a coma.
But, no, this is all just a bit of time wasting to pad out the episode with something totally not funny. No, the main plot is that the ship is having a casino night on Saturday but Bayside students are specifically not invited. Yes, the announcement precludes them by name. The gang’s bummed out they don’t get to go to casino night because they want to gamble away all the money they don’t have.
No, instead they’ll be spending Saturday night watching I Was a Teenage Shark with Mr. Belding and Screech. After Jaws, I only watch shark related films if they involve tornados and star Tara Reid and the fourth most important guy from Beverly Hills 90210. Also, Sreech randomly tells them that Sunday is Mr. Belding’s birthday and, since he’s learning from Screech’s inappropriate professional boundaries, expects his students to throw him a party and buy him presents. Wow, I would never let my children step foot in Bayside.
We cut to a class where we discover that, not only did Mr. Belding and Screech leave Bayside without an administrator for two months, but they also brought along an art teacher, Mr. Hathaway, because no one back at Bayside wanted to take art this semester anyway! The assignment is for the class to draw R.J.
Oh, Tommy D, never change! Maybe you’ll show up in the Darwin Awards one day!
Screech randomly comes in and tells the gang he’s throwing a surprise party for Mr. Belding Sunday at 2:00 and that they all need to bring presents because you always get your principal presents for his birthday. Lindsay says that Mr. Belding’s not just a principal; he’s their friend because when I was in high school I liked hanging out with my principals. She says they need to get him something nice but Rachel reminds her they’re teenagers on a boat with no source of income. That’s when Ryan suggests they draw pictures to earn money.
That’s when the gang locate a V.R. Troopers villain and offer to paint her. No, seriously, this actress played Despera on V.R. Troopers. Between this and her appearances in Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls and Baywatch Nights, I think it’s safe to assume that the casting department of The New Class only goes for top notch quality actors!
Anyway, yeah, the painting sucks but Tommy D and Rachel come in pretending to want to buy the painting because it’s so awesome and, since she’s an idiot and keeps taking bad roles, she believes them and buys it herself. They scam a few people this way and end up with $300 to buy a present for Mr. Belding.
Ryan, meanwhile, wishes he could figure a way for them to get into casino night so they can no doubt have conflict avoiding the money they just stole. Tommy D suggests in typical, stupid Tommy D style that they just get Maria to paint them fake ids.
No, seriously, what’s the plan? This is worse than the McLovin drivers license from Superbad. Plus, each of the gang takes a photo with the same ID, just with the name changed. Even if it did work, I think the casino would notice that all six of you morons had the same address, hair, eyes, height, weight, and birthday. But this is the S.S. Suspension of Disbelief, where all manner of idiocy is possible!
Screech walks in on them and just randomly believes they’re making a giant card for Mr. Belding because he’s an idiot. He asks the gang to distract Mr. Belding tomorrow so he can decorate the stateroom for Mr. Belding’s party and leaves because we just needed that bit of time wasting.
At the movie, Screech seriously puts forty bags of popcorn in the microwave at once because he’s a moron. Mr. Belding subtly suggest a bunch teenagers buy him a watch for his birthday, and Screech sings a song about sharks and jeans because how could this episode get any dumber?
Ryan comes in with the fake ids and, just as Mr. Belding starts the movie, the gang sneak out.
Of course, the gang get into casino night because the S.S. Suspension of Disbelief could only afford to hire security that has no concept of the worst fake ids ever. The girls go for the slot machines and Rachel almost immediately wins a whopping $1.25. We’re in the money!
Ryan goes for the roulette table, where he finds himself on a winning streak.
Tommy D finds himself at the black jack table where he knows absolutely nothing about the game. He meets a woman named Hilda, who decides she wants to watch Tommy D play black jack and offers to back him so she can watch him play.
Ryan’s up $100 and, since we’re nearly twelve minutes into the episode and need some actually conflict, he ignores R.J.’s objections that this is a stupid plot point that can only turn out badly bets his $100 plus $100 of the money they stole for Mr. Belding’s present.
The girls get bored of slot machines and decide that gambling is really dumb. Tommy D, though, wins at blackjack and Hilda decides to give him a special present to celebrate his helping her win.
Ryan loses all the money on the next hand while the girls decide to leave the casino. Ryan puts the rest of the money down in an attempt to win back the money.
Screech, being an idiot, is surprised to find out that putting forty bags of popcorn in the microwave is an idiotic idea and meets the girls, who mention casino night, which is totally not suspicious. It gives Screech the idea to win some money and buy Mr. Belding a better birthday present.
Hilda tries to make Tommy D wear the jacket of an ’80s hair metal band singer. Even Tommy D has the intelligence to see that something’s not quite right with this Hilda woman and runs away while he has the chance.
Screech decides to out-idiot Tommy D buy playing the change machine. Yes, Screech believes getting four quarters for a dollar is super terrific! He doesn’t see Ryan and R.J. just on the other side of the casino, though, meaning that the only purpose for this scene was to convince us Screech is a fucktard, which I needed no convincing to believe.
Ryan loses the rest of the money and prepares to face Lindsay, because she’s apparently going to be more upset about this than the rest of the gang.
The next day, Ryan and R.J. find Tommy D, who’s being chased by Hilda. Hilda tells Ryan she wants to give Tommy D a blow job to thank him for her winning streak but Ryan tells her that what Tommy D likes more than oral stimulation is a watch from the boat’s gift shop.
The girls, meanwhile, take Mr. Belding to lunch to distract him from seeing Screech decorating. Mr. Belding, of course, expects a bunch of teenagers to buy him lunch but they just act like they have no idea it’s his birthday despite all his obvious pandering for presents. Mr. Belding goes away thinking everyone’s forgotten his birthday, even though he was there two days ago when Screech told everyone. None of this makes any fucking sense!
Hilda comes to give Tommy D the watch but R.J. comes down dressed as the “ship’s physician” and tells Ryan that Tommy D’s contracted dolphin pox so he’s in quarantine. Hilda’s sad that she won’t get to give him the watch personally but Ryan offers to do it for her. Uh, it’s obvious how this is going to end. Why didn’t Ryan just have Tommy D accept the watch so they could turn around and give it to Mr. Belding? I mean, that would solve the obvious ending this episode is going to have. But that would make too much sense and it wouldn’t allow them to dress a cast member in a bad costume.
Mr. Belding finds the surprise party and Lindsay gives him the gang’s present. He loves the watch because it was given to him by teenagers who couldn’t afford it without stealing people’s money.
Hilda comes in and asks them to keep it down since she’s in the room across the hall. Oh, surprise ending, you’re so surprising! She sees Tommy D and then asks Ryan whether he gave Tommy D the watch.
Ryan admits the whole plan and Rachel admits for the rest of the gang that they went to casino night. Mr. Belding tells them they all get detention on a boat for next week. I seriously don’t know what he expected out of this group. He did bring them on a boat knowing what they’re like.
Hilda realizes she almost made a grave mistake in trying to jump Tommy D’s bone, possibly one of the few times a character is ever grossed out by underage sexual relations. She takes the watch back and runs as far away from this show as she can, never to be seen again.
Lindsay says she’s going to have a hard time forgiving Ryan for this because she, for some reason, took this all harder than the rest of the gang. Maybe this is the long awaited prequel to their breakup…WHICH WE’VE ALREADY FUCKING SEEN! Mr. Belding says that, even though he made lots of unreasonable suggestions for teenagers to buy him gifts, the best gift is their presence because we needed some sort of contrived ending to all this.
And our episode ends with Screech making microwaves explode with popcorn, because he will always be a moron because there is no cure for whatever the hell he is.