The New Class Season 3, Episode 22: “Green Card”

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Ah, we’re back aboard the S.S. Suspension of Disbelief for its final voyage before its titanic sinking into obscurity. The gang are all sad and shit that they don’t get to do this unrealistic scenario anymore and have to spend the rest of the season at other places that aren’t Bayside, but don’t fret! They have a treasure hunt to look forward to in today’s subplot so they’re all excited to have the chance to complete this cliche!

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Screech comes over with a bag full of mail for the gang. Now, I assume they stopped off at some island and he picked it up there but, if that’s the case, why’s he been randomly holding onto it all this time. Creepy… Oh, and Tommy D wrote to himself because the longer this show goes on the more special he becomes.

Screech gets a letter from Alison and Maria’s all, “Who the fuck is Alison?” Lindsay explains to her that, last year, while Rachel was dating a really horrible fake Swiss guy, they worked at a golf club whose manager was the unfunny guy from WKRP in Cincinnati. Screech fell in love with his daughter, Alison, right before she conveniently moved to New York for college. They’re still dating but the writers of this show are too lazy to remember that and actually incorporate it into the show more than once a season.

Screech reads the letter in which Alison says that she’s given up all hope of ever returning to his show, much less being a regular, so she’s dumping him for a New York guy and he should just fuck the fucking fuck off.

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The fact that Screech has lost the first girl who’s been stupid enough not to stay five hundred feet away from him since Violet has broken up with him hits Screech hard, and he finds solace in the only place he can in such moments, Mr. Belding’s supple bosoms.

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The gang start planning for the treasure hunt but feel bad that Screech is having a mental breakdown while they’re having as much fun as characters on this show can have without caffeine pills and gambling and shit. Screech comes out and cries at a picture of Alison that we the audience don’t get to see. I’m not so sure the actress who played Alison didn’t revoked the rights for this show to use her image because she was so ashamed of her role on the show.

The gang decide enough is enough and that they have to find a rebound fuck for Screech so he can leave them to their treasuring.

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The gang see Mr. Belding randomly jog by next to a beautiful woman and Ryan decides the solution to their problems is to hook Screech up with the jogger. Tommy D naturally thinks this means a homosexual relationship with Mr. Belding, which may be the most realistic thing he’s said in the last couple of years, but Ryan corrects him and they set their sights on the girl.

Her name is Inge and she’s a model from Germany with the absolute worst German accent in the world. Yeah, I don’t know for sure whether the actress is actually German, but when she sounds like a cross between Mindy from Animaniacs, Gunther from The Simpsons, and Cruella de Vil, it’s strongly suspect that she’s faking an accent and doing a shitty job at it. This is, quite literally, the only acting job this actress ever had, too, so there will never be any confirming or denying this. Was she fucking Peter Engel to get on the show or something?

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Ryan decides there’s no way this girl will date Screech unless she thinks he’s rich, so the boys dress up as Screech’s servants and tell Inge that Screech is just eccentric and doesn’t like talking about his money. She naturally trusts the word of three random guys who followed her back to her room and goes to meet her dream boat.

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The girls, meanwhile, convince Screech it’s been a whole five minutes since Alison broke up with him and he just needs to man the fuck up and get over it by going out with Inge, whom they claim just broke up with her boyfriend. He wants to keep whining and moaning but then he sees Inge and suddenly Alison instantly leaves his mind completely. Geez, way to really make me believe he was torn up over Alison breaking up with him guys. I think I have an easier time believing the Trix rabbit will one day be able to indulge in his sugary addiction that forces him to do things he’s not proud of.vlcsnap-2015-04-23-20h37m50s77

So Screech goes on a date with Inge and it’s time to indulge in the creepy faces that would prompt me to believe I was dating a serial killer.

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But, no, this is the Saved by the Bell universe and she finds him hot and sexy because his father supposedly owns a Volkswagen and despite the fact Screech doesn’t know the difference between Beethoven the composer and Beethoven the dog. As can be expected, there’s lots of Inge misinterpreting what the hell Screech is talking about and she thinks Bayside is a mansion or some shit.

Screech decides to go see his students after his hot date because that’s what people with proper professional boundaries do, right? Screech is madly in love with Inge and reveals that he asked her to marry him.

Mr. Belding finds Ryan and asks him what the hell is up with a woman actually wanting to marry Screech. R.J. reveals that they told Inge Screech was rich and Mr. Belding gives the moralistic command for them to tell Inge the truth. Oh, wow, we might finish this episode ten minutes early! After all, no sane person would marry Screech for reasons other than money!

The gang tell Inge the truth and she’s all, “That’s okay! He’s hot and charming.” Oh. The’re going to continue this shit another ten minutes, aren’t they?

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Mr. Belding tries to talk Screech into slowing things down since there has to be some sort of plot twist to make someone want to be Mrs. Samuel Powers. Screech is all, “Fuck that shit! I haven’t had sex since Alison left last year! I’m getting my dick wet!”

Meanwhile, oh, yeah, there’s a treasure hunt going on, isn’t there? The gang start finding clues and figure out they need to go to the cafe. They figure out they need to go to the shuffleboard court but, on the way, they spot the conflict.

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See, meet Rolf, Inge’s boyfriend, who has an even worse German accent than Inge, if that’s possible, and he’s definitely not German as his actor was in an episode of The College Years. We get some exposition dump because Rolf’s upset that Inge’s going to marry Screech to get a green card but Inge promises him that she can’t stand his touch and will divorce him as soon as she’s an American citizen. They kiss just as the gang round the corner and see them. The gang try to make a stealthy exit but knock down a waiter so that we can drag this shit out another five minutes or so.

The gang find Screech and try to tell him the truth, but he has a hard time believing that he’s the victim of yet another cliched plot and that he’s being used worse than he was by Punky Brewster. Inge comes in and claims that Rolf is her brother and that, in Germany, siblings just randomly romantically kiss. Screech, being an idiot and all, believes her and decides they should get married immediately so they can fit it into this episode. Tommy D randomly reminds them the captain of a ship can marry a couple, which he gets a nice slap upside the head from Lindsay for, and Screech and Inge rush off to get ready for unholy matrimony.

The gang decide to sneak in Inge’s cabin looking for evidence that she’s not who she says she is and find papers  for her to receive a green card, already signed as the wife of Screech Powers. They decide this is solid proof she’s using Screech, and it apparently is for this show’s conventions since Rolf comes in and finds them. In true Scooby-Doo villain form, Lindsay reveals the entire thing to Rolf, who promptly takes the application and locks the six in the cabin.

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Screech decides to show more creepy faces as Mr. Belding tries to convince him he has four more bad seasons left on this show and shouldn’t leave just yet. Rolf comes in and tells Inge about the gang. In response, Inge convinces Screech to start the wedding immediately in order to give us some non-existent tension to the story. Screech tells them he wants to wait for his friends who are actually his students but they’re also his friends since no one has any boundaries on this show, and Rolf tells him they aren’t coming because they still don’t believe Inge really loves Screech.

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In the cabin, the gang decide the solution to their problems is to push Lindsay out a port hole and into the swimming pool. And we get what may be the worst acting Natalia Cigliuti has ever delivered on this show, and that’s really saying something. She’s supposed to sound like she’s scared that she’s falling out a port hole but I have an easier time believing that Inge’s German or Screech is likable than that she’s scared.

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The captain starts the ceremony but, lucky for the plot, Screech is allergic to Inge’s flowers, which delays shit long enough for the gang to show up, trick Rolf into revealing the green card papers since he’s an even bigger idiot than Tommy D, if that’s possible, and save the day.

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Screech is depressed that he was used by a really bad actress and Mr. Belding consoles him that, one day, he’ll meet a girl who really loves him and she might even let him give her a Dirty Sanchez in a shitty porn film.

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Just when Screech thinks things can’t get any more contrived, he accidentally turns over the podium, revealing the treasure and our episode ends with Screech vowing to spend the money on the people who really love him, which means he’ll be donating it to some Buddhist monks somewhere with an extraordinary degree of compassion for idiots.

6 responses to “The New Class Season 3, Episode 22: “Green Card”

  1. I don’t think getting a green card would ever be worth having to marry Screech.

  2. I would like to think that Screech marries Linda AKA Amy Jo Johnson AKA the Pink Power Ranger after they go on a date next season.

  3. I’m pretty I haven’t seen this one in at least 15 years, always skipped.

    • That comment belongs in the Valentines clip ep of the real SBTB, I never bothered with the ‘new class’ – sorry for the error!!

  4. ILovedKellyKapowski

    It’s a common misconception that a ship’s captain can officiate a wedding by simple virtue of being the captain. The truth is that just because someone is a captain doesn’t automatically give him/her the vested authority to marry 2 people.

    • You’re correct, it’s also a common misconception simply marrying a person is going to get them a green card, work permit and citizenship too.

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