We open with Slater jealous he wasn’t invited to girl talk. He was so hoping to be a part of pillow fights and make overs and talking about how hot Zack Morris is. And what is girl talk about you ask?
Why, it seems Lisa has been stalking Zack Morris and Tori while they’re out on dates.
I mean really stalking them. It’s quite creepy actually. Imagine you’re getting ready to kiss your girlfriend when Lisa leans in with a camera to snap your photo. Seriously, Lisa, this is why you can’t have a boyfriend for more than one episode. You freak them the fuck out. I think you’ve been around Screech too long.
Also, the audience totally loses their shit over a photo of Zack Morris and Tori kissing. This audience really needs to get laid before they start having wet dreams of holding hands.
But, not to worry, our star couple randomly runs into lockers while they’re busy not paying attention to where they’re going. What would be even better is if they were walking out into traffic, and it was Screech instead of Zack Morris and Tori. That would make this entire project worth it.
And, speaking of our resident idiot, here’s Screech now dressed as a 1930’s era golf player because the writers of this show think dressing Screech up like my grandfather will be hilarious. Turns out he’s on the “miniature golf team” because that’s totally a real thing. They’ve had their budget cut so he’s using eggs instead of golf balls because having screech act like a moron will draw all the laughs, or else encourage suicidal tendencies.
Yeah, as routinely happens when Saved by the Bell needs a random plot point, the budget for sports has been cut to the point that Tori’s field hockey team can’t afford uniforms, and Slater says the football team is using fat nerds as tackling dummies because violence against people who are different is okay when money is tight. Gee, I hope nothing happens in like the next three minutes to superficially address this crisis that I’m not buying for a second.
Tori transfers into Mr. Tewsberry’s industrial arts class because she’s a manly woman and sucks at home ec. Seriously, I can’t figure out the point of this scene except to make sure Tori’s in the same room when Mr. Belding comes in to offer a solution to all their sports funding related needs.
Oh, and there’s Mr. Belding now, coming around to individual class rooms in order to randomly inform us that a wealthy alumni of Bayside who invented the elastic band on underwear died and left the school $10,000 in his will to be spent on superficial stuff that will soon be forgotten about next year when The New Class needs to start recycling story lines. Yeah, you read that right. The writers were just biding their time and collecting a few more paychecks at this point, weren’t they? Mr. Belding says students will get to vote on suggestions on what to do with the money in the gym tomorrow.
And, through the magic of jump cuts, it’s the gym tomorrow! Oh, Saved by the Bell, if the pace of your storytelling were the speed limit, it would be the Autobahn.
Screech, being the resident moron, drops lots of bugs everywhere, causing the students to scream and scatter and giving Mr. Belding a vision of what the worst six years of his life will be like. After that idiocy is over, we get some stereotypical bullshit about the boys and girls arguing about whose sports are more important and how they each want the money to go towards their gender of sports because penis and vagina and shit. Yeah, it’s stupid and makes no sense, so of course it’s a Saved by the Bell plot.
Instead of doing his job and actually forming an ad hoc committee of faculty to decide how to spend the money since the students are acting like rejects of the Jackie Gleason School of Misogyny, Mr. Belding decides the best way to decide is a boys verses girls competition. Also, this is the best way to pad out the running time. In the first competition, each team must use clues to find puzzle pieces and solve a riddle.
The boys fall behind when the first puzzle piece is hidden in Screech’s locker and the stupid asshole can’t remember his own combination. Slater gets tired of this shit and uses Henry Winkler magic to open the locker, revealing Screech has been homeless all this time and living in the school. I guess his parents must be so ashamed they raised someone with the IQ of a piece of dust and disinherited him.
So both teams have all their puzzle pieces, but Ginger’s jealous that people think Screech is the biggest dumb ass on the show, so she guesses the solution to their puzzle is, “Be true to your Little House on the Prairie.” Please, can this be the episode where Pa Ingles goes mad and slaps the shit out of a bunch of idiots in a Los Angeles area school?
Well, since the girls are acting dumber than a room full of Screeches, the boys figure out the solution to their puzzle is “Honor thy principal.” So, with that stupid little scenario done, the boys lead going into round two.
So round two is putting together a corroborator for some reason, because apparently everyone in the Saved by the Bell universe knows how to put random car parts together. Not to worry, though, for Tori uses her lesbian powers to beat Slater at putting the corroborator together. The teams are tied going into round three.
Round three is baking a pineapple upside down cake. Luckily, Zack Morris randomly decides to cheat and switches the knobs on the girls’ oven.
While the boys have a perfect pineapple upside down cake, the girls have something resembling an oil spill. The boys win and get to choose how to spend $10,000.
At The Max, the girls sit around the burnt cake and try to figure out what went wrong.
We need to move the plot along, though, so Screech randomly comes in with the fake oven knob and tells the girls how the boys switched the knobs. Tori decides this is her big chance and tells the girls they’re going to get revenge on the boys.
Tori’s big revenge involves all the girls turning down the boys for dates, which sends Slater into shock that he’s being turned down by random girls.
Tori tells the boys that, until they tell Mr. Belding the truth, Bayside’s going gay and Tori will somehow make it through these tough times with the help of her good friend Lisa and some hot high school experimentation. Oh, sounds like a hot fanfic waiting to happen!
You have got to be fucking kidding me. An “Inheritance Dance.” How many dances does this school have? Does everything just merit a dance? In a few years is The New Class going to have a “Little Zack Took His First Poo on the Big Boy Potty” dance? Or maybe that will be the “Screech Took His First Poo on the Big Boy Potty” dance.
Anyway, the boys are in heat over the hot lesbian action going on just across the gym, so they send Zack Morris over to see if they can get in on that hot scissoring action. Seriously, I think the writers were too idiotic to realize the sexual implications of this episode. That, combined with Leanna Creel’s real life sexuality just makes this whole scene hilarious for reasons a Peter Engel show would never intend.
Anyway, Tori and Lisa tells Zack Morris they’re getting used to eating fish so he can just fuck off until he tells the truth.
Mr. Belding prepares to give Zack Morris a check for $10,000…
Wait…after five years of Zack Morris hijinks, you’re just going to give him a check for $10,000? It’s official. Incompetence is rewarded in this franchise. I’m surprised Zack Morris isn’t making plans for a trip to Hawaii or some shit. Maybe that’s how they really got to go and not because of Kelly’s family…
Yeah, Zack Morris feels guilty and tells the truth. Tori says the girls can’t accept the check because they don’t know who really would have won the third round so Mr. Belding asks her to suggest a final competition.
And, yeah, we’re going with fucking limbo because we needed one more ridiculous thing to finish out what has been a really stupid episode. Tori’s the last one standing which means girls’ sports get the money, and our episode ends with Tori wishing she didn’t have to like Zack Morris again so she could keep going after some of that sweet Lisa ass.