Isn’t it great that, a whole six weeks after we had part one of this huge ripoff of the Zack Morris and Kelly break-up, we finally get to have part two? Yes, after touring the seas on the S.S. Suspension of Disbelief, learning the evils of cigarette smoking at the mall, and even witnessing Screech’s delusions of importance in his own mind, we’re back at the ski lodge which, if you can remember from six weeks ago, is now buried in snow. So, do we get a recap of this episode to remind us what happened?
Of course not! You’re supposed to remember everything that happened over a month ago because we go directly to Ryan obsessing over a photo of Lindsay and pulling the petals off a daisy. To be fair, that daisy is the best damned actor in this episode.
Ryan’s pissed that he’s snowed in at the ski lodge and can’t get off this damned show because there was so much snow it trapped them there and now he has to eat food prepared by Lindsay and what’s his name. Seriously, I couldn’t remember the guy’s damned name. After all, he was a living breathing doll six weeks ago that served no purpose other than give Lindsay a girl erection. The snow sure didn’t stop Tommy D from finding a way to make it there, though, because he’s here to give us some more of his stupidity as the rest of the gang come in trying to cheer up Ryan. Aren’t I just lucky.
Since Ryan doesn’t want to come down stairs for fear of seeing Lindsay and her breathing blow up doll, Screech comes in to try to cheer him up by reminding us of the plot point about the gang running the ski lodge, and to come right out and say he still pines for Lisa. She needs to get a restraining order before she ends up a victim on America’s Most Wanted. Seriously, he’s still obsessed over here when he left Bayside three years ago and, as far as we know, has only seen her three times since? He has issues…
Screech’s talk inexplicably convinces Ryan to get dressed and go downstairs. After all, this plot isn’t going to advance itself!
Downstairs, Ken and Barbie…I mean, Lindsay and the living breathing plot device…talk about what’s bothering Lindsay: that she hasn’t seen Ryan since she told him that the writers were pulling her strings in a different direction and she’s worried about him. McGuffin tells Lindsay that maybe she should try to talk to him, and Ryan just happens to walk in with the rest of the gang at that very moment. How convinent! Of course, he won’t talk to her, and walks by in the best version of an awkward moment actors on The New Class can cook up.
Ryan sits down for breakfast with the gang and Rachel decides the best way to get Ryan’s mind off Lindsay is to establish the subplot of the week: R.J.’s birthday which, inexplicably, nobody knew about until this very moment so let’s throw him a party and shit! They’re not even trying at this point, are they? Are the writers just phoning this shit in from the beach and saying, “Yeah, let’s do the Lisa’s birthday suplot from ‘The Aftermath’ too except let’s make it R.J. since he’s the blandest character this season”? God, could this show get any more derivitive? Have they never heard of an original plot?
As if to answer my nightmares, it’s time to introduce the second subplot, involving Grandpa Ernie and his bat-shit crazy friends being involved in a lodge called the “Fraternal Order of the Spotted Hoot Owl.” No, I’m not kidding. They are, seriously, running around imitating this little guy with insane dances and bird calls:
Now I like owls. Why did The New Class have to go and besmirch their good name with an episode about three old men recently escaped from a mental asylum doing a Daffy Duck-like impersonation of them? I take it all back. Give me the derrivative plots! At least they’re not…this!
But, no, Mr. Belding and Screech decide they can only hope to rise to the level of crazy these three are exhibiting, meaning our third subplot is going to involve the two of them acting crazy to become spotted hoot owls. I can’t believe I just typed that…
Lindsay and the Maltese Falcoln, meanwhile, makeout on the back deck to console Lindsay over Ryan having emotions regarding the forced break-up bad television writers are forcing him to endure.
Ryan leads Jackie Kennedy out and sees the kiss. He naturally runs back inside, cursing the writers of The New Class for predictable writing and emotional tug-o-wars.
Time for the spotted hoot owl initiation to begin, starting with giving them special names and flapping their arms around the room as the extras look on in horror. God, shoot me now…
Ryan decides the best way to get back at Lindsay is to get a date with pretty girl Sonya, and she must be a knock out, because she says her name and the audience loses their shit. Seriously, somebody needs to get this audience laid before they explode in their pants. I don’t know why they’re so exicted about Sonya. The only other thing she ever did was appear as “Pancake Breakfast Extra” in a 1998 episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000. A truly distinguished career she had. But, yeah, Ryan asks her out to dinner that night as Jackie Kennnedy looks on in the background.
God, this shit again? Yeah, Tommy D, Rachel, and Maria make a video for R.J.’s birthday that includes Mr. Belding and Screech insanely making owl noises anytime someone says, “Who!” Why, R.J. will be able to look back on this tape years later and know exactly why he’s in rehab!
The next step is to record Lindsay and the mannequin making R.J.’s birthday cake. Unfortunately, they leave Tommy D in charge of the icing and, being a complete dumb ass, he eats all the icing. How many more episodes is he in again?
Ryan comes in and invites Lindsay and her blow-up doll to dinner, saying he’s decided it doesn’t help anyone to be mad.
At dinner, Lindsay’s surprised that the Pancake Extra came to dinner. Ryan acts about the ass you’d expect, and I’m not defending him like I did Zack Morris. At least Zack Morris was just going on dates to The Max when he was in this plot. Ryan’s putting Lindsay down and giving Pancake Extra Lindsay’s necklace from six weeks ago.
Lindsay gets pissed when she realizes what’s going on and pours her soup all over Ryan. She drags blow-up doll off to have another make-out session.
Pancake Extra’s none too happy, either, and pours her soup on Ryan as well. Actually, if my career consisted of pouring hot liquid on a The New Class actor and later being in an episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000, you know, that might not be such a bad career after all.
The final part of Mr. Belding and Screech’s initiation is to wear ricidulous looking owl costumes and spend the night in an area notorious for grizzly bears. Grandpa Ernie’s just fucking with them at this point, isn’t he? Mind you, if this subplot gets Screech killed, it may be well worth it.
Ryan gets pissed that the gang think he’s a tool for going along with this stupid subplot. He decides to leave in the morning, meaning he’ll miss R.J.’s birthday party.
On a set with fake snow, some obviously fake bear growls can be heard, and suddenly out pop three people in bear costumes. Of course, as seems to happen in every television show and movie, Mr. Belding believe that these are real bears and run off. At this point, I could have believed this was The New Class‘s actual response for the need to have a grizzly in an episode but, no, it’s Grandpa Ernie and his insane friends. Yeah, they’re fucking with Mr. Belding and Screech.
At the ski lodge the next morning, Ryan has a very special talk with Mr. Belding, and you can almost hear the manipulative music coming on. Ryan says he doesn’t want to stay at the lodge because of Lindsay. Mr. Belding tells him to get the fuck over it and finish out the season since she’ll be gone in a few episodes anyway. Mr. Belding tells him if he can’t grow the fuck up, he has Mr. Belding’s blessing to leave.
At R.J.’s birthday party, Mr. Belding and Screech tell all kinds of stupid lies about wrestling grizzlies and shit. Grandpa Ernie’s crazy friends reveal it was them the whole time, and they tell Mr. Belding and Screech they were just fucking with them and they’re now official spotted hoot owls. God that was a stupid subplot.
R.J. watches his video, starting with Tommy D sneezing and being covered in snow Looney Tunes style. Then there’s a special message from Ryan about being at his birthday and then out pops Ryan and shit and happy birthday, bland character who really had nothing to do with this episode! The video must not have been very interesting, too, because Ryan’s presence makes everyone forget to watch the rest and go off to dance instead. How kind of them to be so considerate of all the people who made the stupid thing.
Ryan takes Lindsay outside and they make-up and agree to be friends for the two more episodes she’s on the show since their love was never much more than making out anyway. And our episode ends with Ryan and Lindsay going into the party to get some cake and prepare for one more stupid episode at the ski lodge. God, I wish I had some cake instead of thirty less minutes of my life I spent watching this stupid show.