What? We’re not going to wait another six weeks to go back to the ski lodge? It’s a Christmas miracle, folks!
And it is Christmas at the ski lodge, where Mr. Belding’s bitching and moaning about being made to dress in funny costumes since he’s at the beck and call of the crazy spotted hoot owls now.
Grandpa Ernie announces that the ski lodge is magically back on its feet after only a few days of the gang working there so he’s going to start paying them for their work. To call this a plot contrivance is an insult to plot contrivances everywhere. No, this is more like, “We’re tired of the plot we constructed in the last two episodes so let’s abandon it in anticipation of ripping off an unrelated Saved by the Bell episode!”
Tommy D’s supposed to be fixing the Christmas lights over the door when he inadvertently blocks this girl from getting in. Meet Robin, who’s here to replace the Walking, Talking Plot Device who’s conveniently home spending Christmas with his family. Geez, there’s a lot of convenience in this episode, sort of like a bunch of lazy writers decided to do whatever the hell they felt like to put out this episode!
Grandpa Ernie tells Robin he tried to call her but the number on her application has been disconnected. Robin stammers for a response and says her family just had to move.
Oh god. Oh, god, no. Christmas. Lame excuses about phones being disconnected. Please don’t fucking tell me they’re going to rip off the episode I think they’re going to rip off…
Also, it looks like this is going to be a Tommy D episode. Aren’t I just lucky? It’s like a Christmas miracle…
Meanwhile, Mr. Belding, who’s bussing tables…for some reason…has a little boy randomly squeeze his nose to humiliate him for his decision to continue on this show. BEST KID EVER!
Mr. Belding starts crying and Screech assume it’s just because the kid made fun of him, but Mr. Belding says he’s sad to be away from his wife and sun for Christmas. So…why are you chaperoning six of your students? Why not, I don’t know, be at home?
This makes Screech make one of his constipated faces, at which point he tells Ryan and R.J. he’s going to spend his money to bring Mrs. Belding and Little Zack to the ski lodge.
Lindsay tries to make small talk with Robin, who seems to avoid Lindsay’s questions about going skiing all the time and shit. As if to further cement my fears that this is going to be a rip off of the episode I think it is, Rachel and Maria come up excited to be going into town so they can buy shit with their money. Robin doesn’t want to go, though, saying she doesn’t want cashmere sweaters like Rachel and Pearl Jam box sets like Maria and…sunglasses…like Lindsay. Did Lindsay just become the lamest girl on this show? I mean…sunglasses. That’s what she’s excited about?
Tommy D continues his infatuation with Robin by picking her some flowers…from the vase in the front desk. While I tend to think this is another moment of Tommy D idiocy, the audience thinks it’s fucking amazing and loses their shit over the flowers. If he finds chocolate for Robin, the audience is going to have an aneurysm…
Robin can’t go to a movie with Tommy D later, though, because she has to make dinner for her brothers and her sisters. God, no…
Tommy D catches Robin stealing food in the kitchen and even he realizes something’s up. Robin tells him that they are indeed in a horrible ripoff of “Home for Christmas,” except she’s just almost homeless because her father lost his job and her family of six is living out of a motel room. She has to make $800 as quickly as possible so he can get a new transmission for his car and he can get a new job so she can get the fuck off this show. Tommy D suggests that she switch with Rachel or Maria since waitresses make more money, but Robin doesn’t want anyone else to know and Tommy D promises not to tell.
Screech arranges with Mrs. Belding to come to the ski lodge for Christmas. She puts Little Zack on the phone, and he’s apparently still as awesome as he was back in “Belding’s Baby” since he wants nothing to do with Screech and hangs up on him. Best. Kid. Ever.
Tommy D comes in and convinces Screech that Rachel’s really upset she can’t work the kitchen but doesn’t want to tell anybody. Screech is officially more of a moron than Tommy D and buys his story that Rachel should be moved to the kitchen and Robin to the dining room.
Mr. Belding comes in and tells Screech that he’s decided that, if he goes home and leaves the gang in the hands of Screech and Grandpa Ernie, they might just accidentally be killed, so he’s decided to go home for Christmas after all, sending Screech into a tizzie. Speaking of which, who the hell ever heard of a random school trip on Christmas? Why are none of the gang spending time with their families? We’ve seen Tommy D’s father and Lindsay’s mother, but do they still exist? Oh, the mysteries this show presents…
The next day, Ryan and R.J. help Screech keep Mr. Belding from going to the bus station. How do they accomplish this, you ask? Why, by moving all the clocks forward and convincing him he missed his bus. And he buys it and dejectedly decides he has to take the afternoon bus. Wow, that was easy. No wonder Zack Morris never had trouble conning Mr. Belding. If these idiots can do it, anyone can.
Screech tells Robin he’s changed her assignment. Tommy D tells her he didn’t tell anyone her secret and that it must have just been good luck.
So the plan to prevent Mr. Belding from making the afternoon bus is to get him to help Ryan and R.J. cut down a tree. Yeah, no kidding. Mr. Belding goes along with it because he thinks he has plenty of time and because he hasn’t learned after eight years in this franchise not to trust anyone.
Meanwhile, Rachel’s pissed about being in the kitchen and Maria thinks Robin’s snooty for wanting bigger tips. They go to take a break while Tommy D checks on Robin. She’s upset she’s running out of customers to fleece so Tommy D takes a couple from Maria’s section and reseats them in Robin’s. Rachel and Maria see this and, of course, it’s jumping to conclusions time as they think Robin’s greedy because she waited on customers while Maria was outside getting it on with Rachel.
Ryan and R.J. give Mr. Belding a rubber headed ax to chop the tree down with and tell him not to touch the head. No joke, he listens to them and just starts trying to chop the tree down. And he keeps on chopping. And doesn’t even question why he’s not making even a dent in the tree. This continues until Mr. Belding only has a half hour to catch his bus and decides to go catch the bus. Screech distracts him for the last half hour by, and I’m not joking, running around the tree in a circle. And…Mr. Belding doesn’t question it. He just runs around in a circle around the tree for a half hour until he misses his bus.
Is everyone in this universe an idiot?
Mr. Belding says that, tomorrow being Christmas, there’s only one bus, and nothing will make him miss it because he wants a break from all this idiocy with the wife and son he neglects most of the year to go to ski lodges and on cruise ships and while he’s working in the mall.
Robin, meanwhile, is grateful for being a waitress, which automatically makes Lindsay, Rachel and Maria assume that she’s been sucking up to Screech. They go over to tell off Robin and she tells them to fuck off with their “Walkmans” and cashmere sweaters and sunglasses. She rushes off to a better show where coworkers act like real coworkers.
It’s Christmas Day and, what’s the plan for keeping Mr. Belding from catching his bus today? Why, lock him in luggage storage and claim the door’s broke, of course! Mr. Belding’s really bad about getting locked in closets. This just happened back in “Air Screech.” He just needs to come out of the closet and get it over with.
However, I do have to say that this is cruel and I don’t know why shows do this sort of thing. I mean, I get Screech is trying to surprise Mr. Belding, but he’s got the poor man thinking he’s going to miss his bus and not get to see his family on Christmas. This is just mean and I’d be upset at whoever pulled this bull shit on me.
Tommy D asks the girls if they’ve seen Robin and the girls tell Tommy D all about the encounter last night. Tommy D tells them they’re all selfish self-righteous bitches and proceeds to give them the plot of the episode. The girls feel bad and want to apologize but Grandpa Ernie told her not to come in and to spend Christmas with her family.
We cut to the exact same scene where Tommy D’s asked Screech to call Robin in for the Christmas party.
Meanwhile, Screech, Ryan, and R.J. learn that Grandpa Ernie let Mr. Belding out of the luggage room and that he should have been just in time to make his bus. This makes Screech realize how much of a failure of a human being he is, but not so much that he isn’t going to be around for four more fucking wonderful seasons to remind me why this was one of the worst shows ever created.
Speaking of incompetence, they actually brought Mrs. Belding back, and Screech has to explain to her and Little Zack why he’s such a dumb ass. Is it just me or is Little Zack Hyper Growing. I mean, last time we saw him, two years ago, he was but an infant. Now it looks like he’s a preschooler. Guess he has that disease kids on television shows get that make them age really fast.
Robin comes in and is overwhelmed to discover her family there. The gang brought her family in to share a nice Christmas with her. Check out the boy on the left, who I assume is supposed to be her brother, looking like, “Why the hell did you bring me on this show with these stupid dumb asses?”
Mr. Belding comes in and says he hopped on a bus but that it’s the wrong bus and happened to be the circle route that brought him right back to the ski lodge. That…makes absolutely no sense, like most of this episode. In any case, Mr. Belding is about to give it to Screech for ruining his life…
When Little Zack runs up and greets him with a hearty, “Daddy!” Yep, hyper aging. Mr. Belding isn’t pissed at all for the psychological trauma Screech inflicted on him, but, instead, thanks him for nearly ruining his entire Christmas.
The gang give Robin all the money Grandpa Ernie paid them so her dad can get a new transmission. See, I told you there was a contrived reason Grandpa Ernie suddenly wanted to compensate his underage employees! Robin thanks Tommy D with a kiss on the cheek, which excites the audience so much I’m convinced at least one member had a stroke.
And our episode ends with Mr. Belding, Screech, and the gang gathering all the guest stars and extras to regale the customers as well as you and me with a rousing rendition of “We Wish You a Merry Christmas.” And it would be a Merry Christmas if it weren’t for the fact that it’s June and that I’m watching The New Class. At least it’s the last real episode of the season. God, I hate this show.