Monthly Archives: August 2015

The New Class Season 4, Episode 8: “Fall Formal”

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Ah, yes, it’s time for yet another dance at Bayside. I swear, this school has more unnecessary dances. Until I was a junior, we were lucky if we had two or three dances. This school…

Well, naturally, this is THE event of the year, and Nicky hopes to take Katie to the dance because, despite them dating in the last two episodes, that apparently isn’t enough to convince Nicky’s low New York self-esteem that he’s good enough for Katie.

Ryan, though, says that it’s going to suck ass because of the musical guests.

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Yes, Mr. Belding now has a barbershop quartet and he’s abused his authority to get them on as the featured act at the fall formal. I’m surprised Screech isn’t in there somewhere to act as the ding bat of the group. Also, it saves on rights since they’ll undoubtedly only do songs in the public domain.

Eric says it’s whack that Mr. Belding’s abusing his authority to put his stupid little group in the formal because Eric and his brothers have been performing together and should get to do the formal instead because…being a musician means automatically the school should bow down to your every wish? Damned if I know what the justification here is but Eric really wants to perform.

Maria and Katie come along so Nicky takes about ten seconds out of the episode’s running time to ask Katie to the formal. She immediately says yes without any conflict or jokes or anything because this was a crucial scene to add in and not do off screen before the episode started. Thanks for using your running time so wisely, The New Class.

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Meanwhile, Rachel’s found a dress that gives her better sex than Ryan ever could, and is so excited by it she has what can only be described as “dress porn” in a picture album. Maria asks Katie what kind of dress she’s going to wear and she shows mild disinterest in the whole concept, which must mean she’s planning on wearing nothing to give Nicky a pleasant surprise.

Maria’s date to the dance comes up to warn her that his father is chaperoning the dance. Say bye to him because, though they don’t break off their date, he’s not seen at all in the rest of the episode including at the formal. Maria thinks this is horrible news because now she can’t get her booty laid but Ryan thinks it’s great because the father is Paul Wilson is a big music producer in the Saved by the Bell universe. Ryan pretty much forces Eric to let him be his manager and promises Eric that he will get a record deal for Eric and his brothers after he convinces Mr. Belding to let them perform.

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Right on cue, Mr. Belding and Screech come out of Mr. Belding’s office drenched in sweat. Yes, this week’s Mr. Belding-Screech subplot is that the air conditioning in Mr. Belding’s office isn’t working, which I would say shouldn’t matter in the fall but this is LA, so I guess it’s a rare instance of the writers getting something right. Mind you, it’s nice to know that minor everyday inconveniences now count as subplots on The New Class. Of course, Mr. Belding gives Screech the job of getting the air conditioner repaired, which means it will probably turn into a not-so-wacky fiasco in a few minutes!

Ryan tries to convince Mr. Belding to let Eric and his brothers perform as the opening act at the fall formal, but Mr. Belding says he has to make this plot just a little harder to resolve in order to create some semblance of tension for the viewers. Ryan gets a glimmer in his eye that says he’ll come up with some nefarious plan to keep the plot going.

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At Katie’s house, Katie’s bummed because money’s tight at her house despite her having that brand new Macintosh computer in the background so her mom can’t afford to get her a new dress for the formal. She takes one of Katie’s sister’s dresses out of Katie’s closet–god only knows why Katie has to store her sister’s clothes; maybe they can’t afford another closet–and suggests they modify it a little to give Katie a new to her look. Katie’s so happy she has a thoughtful mom that she doesn’t put any emotion into thanking her for this act.

Also, Katie’s mom likes Nicky despite the fact he’s from New York. Guess his one character trait isn’t working against him just yet.

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Back at Bayside, Ryan confronts the barbershop quartet…

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…and convinces them, via a professional looking printed poster, that Mr. Belding is hogging the spotlight of their group and taking credit for their talents. They must be new to this school because they instantly believe everything Ryan tells them and, when Mr. Belding comes around to take them to dress rehearsal, all three of them quit.

Mr. Belding can’t figure out why they quit despite practically running into Ryan’s fake poster several times during this scene. I’ll chalk it up to him not wearing his glasses. Told you we’d never see those things again. He has no idea what he’ll do for a musical act in their place, especially one that will work for free and not infringe copyright, and, luckily, Ryan has that figured out already.

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Eric and at least one of Anthony Harrell’s real life brothers comes out and performs a song that practically sucks Mr. Belding’s cock , it’s such a suck up song. Everyone loves it, though, and Mr. Belding makes them the new musical act for the formal while Screech continues singing the song hoping to get a chance to suck Mr. Belding’s cock himself.

Now, I have to say, this was actually a good choice. See, one of the things the original series did right was take some of the young actors’ real life interests and incorporate them into their characters so they wouldn’t have to act as much. The Harrell brothers are actually real life performers and continue to perform music together to this day, so this was a smart thing to do on the part of the producers. I can’t figure out who the other guy is, though. He has a different last ame and never appeared in anything other than this episode so I guess that’s a mystery that’s lost to time.

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Back at Katie’s house, she admires her dress when Rachel and Maria come in to show off their dresses. Rachel paid $300 for hers and Maria $250 so the look of confusion on Katie’s face must mean that Lindsey McKeon is trying to emote that she’s feeling insecure because she can’t afford a really expensive dress. So Katie’s inheriting Kelly’s ability to live in an upper class part of LA while still remaining poor. Gotcha.

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Back at Bayside, excitement is mounting as Mr. Belding’s air conditioner is still broken! Oh, but this time it’s making Mr. Belding’s office too cold! How wacky! What will be the resolution of this suspenseful subplot?

Ryan continues talking up the ability of Paul Wilson to make or break someone and Eric sys he suddenly doesn’t feel so well.

Rachel and Maria come back from shopping for dresses with Katie and don’t understand why Katie doesn’t just whip out her bags of money like everyone else in Pacific Palisades and buy it. Nicky comes down and brags about how much h spent on a tuxedo and Katie decides that the only way she can avoid being as much an outcast as Screech is to find a way to earn $250 so she can buy the dress.

Speaking of outcasts, Screech now has broken the air conditioner to the point it’s putting out so much air it’s creating a tornado in Mr. Belding’s office. How hilarious can one episode of this show get! He gets incredulous with someone on the phone when they offer to fix the air conditioner for $500 because apparently Bayside can afford to send students to Catalina but not to pay $500 to fix an air conditioner.

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Katie comes in and fixes the air conditioner with the magic “off” button. Screech is so amazed by her wizardry skills that, when she says she needs a part time job, he offers her the opportunity to fix the air conditioner. She accepts despite not knowing anything about air conditioners other than how to turn them off, like Screech would have as well had he not been a complete dumb ass.

Katie recruits Nicky to help her repair the air conditioner and he accepts despite not knowing anything about the subject because he’s hoping to get some unemotional Katie poon at the formal.

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Meanwhile, Ryan has an idea to help Eric get over his fear of performing in front of Paul Wilson: by having Screech dress up as a snitch from Miami Vice and tell Eric he’s a music producer. Eric can’t take the pressure of performing in front of a complete dumb ass, though, and runs off, leaving Ryan to thank Screech for making things even worse than they were before, like usual.

Nicky finishes fixing the air conditioner just in time to sneak out of the office before Screech comes back in. The air conditioner finally seems to be fixed so could this be the resolution of this exciting subplot?

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No, of course not! We give Nicky asking Katie to the formal ten seconds, but the damned air conditioner is so important it has to be dragged out through the rest of the episode! Yes, the air conditioner explodes in smoke and Screech takes advantage of the situation to jump into Mr. Belding’s arms, who promptly orders him to go see the wizard and get a brain.

After Mr. Belding leaves, Katie confesses to Screech she doesn’t really know how to repair air conditioning and that she needed money to buy a dress. He sympathizes because he wishes he could buy a new dress too but she walks out and says that he doesn’t understand because he sucks at life.

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Outside Mr. Belding’s office, Katie has a dream sequence that just happens to be the exact set of the formal we’ll see in a few minutes. It’s a good thing Katie’s subconscious was on the decorations committee or she might not know what the formal was going to look like. Anyway, despite the fact we’ve already seen what her dress is going to look like and that it looks nothing like the Amelia Badelia look she’s sporting here, she imagines she’s going to be the most horribly dressed person at the formal.

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Naturally, Rachel and Maria are huge assholes to Katie and even wrap her in a tablecloth to make her look better. And thus ends the dream sequence. Jesus, the dream sequences this season are weird, even by Saved by the Bell standards…

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At The Max, Eric reveals he lost his voice and conveniently has a binder to let the gang know. Meanwhile, Katie comes in and pretends to be pissed off at Nicky over the air conditioner so she breaks their date to the formal because…god if I know at this point.

Back at Bayside, Ryan and Maria figured out that Eric’s faking losing his voice because anyone could have seen it a mile away. They pretend Paul Wilson’s not coming to the formal after all, which makes Eric instantly able to talk again. He says he and his brothers can perform at the formal now and rushes off to tell them as Ryan tells Maria he has to figure out a way to keep Paul Wilson away from Eric all night.

Nicky confronts Screech and tries to take responsibility for the air conditioner. Screech reveals that the whole thing is over a damned dress and Nicky suddenly realizes Katie’s actually poor though no one in this whole damned episode seemed to have picked up on it! God this show is so excruciatingly idiotic!

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Nicky shows up at Katie’s house anyway and breaks in to take her to the formal. He says he knows about the dress and that she can go naked for all he cares. He convinces her to go to the formal so he can get laid and she agrees but tells him that his perverted mind needs to go outside while she gets dressed.

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At the formal, Ryan’s method of keeping Paul Wilson away from Eric is to sic Screech on him. Unfortunately, that’s the absolute worst thing that Ryan could have done since Screech finds out that, before he was a music producer, Paul Wilson was in air conditioner repair! Oh, the plots all converge! It’s so exciting!

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It turns out that Rachel and Maria both hate their dresses because they’re so uncomfortable and envy Katie’s dress. They apologize for not realizing their friend was lower class than them and make up, declaring that they always have been and always will be best friends, no matter what that traitor Lindsay said last season!

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Eric and his brothers perform what’s actually a pretty good rendition of “In the Still of the Night,” which must have set back the show’s budget a nice little bit since they actually had to get the rights to use a real song. Apparently, too, being the musical guest means you only do one song at this formal, so they’re done after their performance. Wasn’t that rousing?

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Unfortunately, Paul Wilson misses the performance completely because he had to go to the emergency room after he broke his finger on the stupid air conditioner after the plots converged. Ryan wonders why he ever trusted with Screech. I have the answer: everyone on this show has selective memory and forget they’re dealing with a complete moron!

vlcsnap-2015-07-28-17h04m19s692And our episode ends with Katie kissing Nicky to thank him for loving her despite her lack of money. Now can we please leave behind dances for awhile? I’m so sick of dances on this show. I want more exciting things, like more air conditioner repair!

Saved by the Bell Season 4, Episode 24: “School Song”

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Our final look at the Tori-verse opens with a triumphant entry to The Max by Zack Morris. Ah, to be Zack Morris this close to graduation! He’s majorly psyched and says no one at Bayside will ever be able to compare to him, no matter how often the producers try to replace him with douche bags and fake Swiss people!

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As the gang are the only seniors in the world who matter, it’s their job to come up with a class gift. Zack Morris ants to kiss every girl in school, which I’m pretty sure he’s already done at some point, but, hey, a second time to be sure couldn’t hurt! Last year’s senior class gave Bayside a VCR so Lisa wants to make sure they give the school something that will last just as long, like a laser disc player!

Slater says that Zack Morris is graduating, therefore that’s a good enough present. Zack Morris doesn’t understand what’s so funny and the gang lets him know in no uncertain terms that he’s the biggest goof off the school has ever had.

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In glee club practice, the gang think their school song sucks ass because it’s an actual school song and stuff. Lisa suggests the senior class gift be to write a new school song .

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Mr. Belding, meeting with the senior class gift committee, thinks it’s a good idea to update their school song and agrees to the project. When Zack Morris comes in late, Mr. Belding makes fun of Zack Morris like everyone else does this episode. The background characters join in and Zack Morris suddenly feels like a jack ass for the first time in five years.

Zack Morris overhears Mr. Belding tell the rest of the gang that Bayside will always be grateful for the composers of their school song, and this naturally gives him an idea to write the song alone that I’m sure won’t backfire at all.

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Since our gang are still the only seniors that matter, the five of them are writing the school song themselves. Also, Slater apparently knows how to play the piano…for some reason. Yeah, that’s been a huge part of Slater’s character over the past four years: piano playing.

Zack Morris puts his plan into action by sowing strife among the gang, telling Slater that Lisa’s changes to the song suck ass after she reveals she knows how to play piano as well, telling Lisa that Slater’s just jealous of her awesome new piano skills, making Tori blow up in a fit of, “I can’t work under these conditions,” and telling Screech the truth: that no one gives a shit what he thinks.  The gang all storm out and Zack Morris thinks he now has the opportunity to write his own song as he sits down and plays the piano. Jesus, does Bayside have  a graduation requirement that every senior must know how to play the piano?

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In the hallway, though, Zack Morris discovers that everyone else stole his idea and have decided to write their own sucky ass school song. And they all decide to sing perform their stupid songs at the same time in the hallway just to piss Mr. Belding the fuck off. Mr. Belding tells them that Bayside can only have one sucky ass school song so they’ll have to have a contest to decide what song will be THE new sucky ass song. Zack Morris suggest they all play over the intercom Friday and let the senior class vote on the winner, which I’m sure will net a favorable result for a Beastie Boys song.

Before the contest, we see that Zack Morris has rigged the piano to play out of tune on one particular note…

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…and Slater and Tori’s song just happens to use that note frequently.  As with most schemes on this show, it’s a good thing for Zack Morris that several factors went off exactly as planned or it couldn’t have worked, as with most Saved by the Bell schemes.  This naturally means that no one likes the song because no one in this school has the ability to distinguish between an instrumental mistake and the essence of the song. Oh, and it must really be a graduation requirement for all seniors to play the piano because now Tori knows how as well. I’m sure if Kelly and Jessie weren’t locked in Zack Morris’s basement, they’d be playing piano along with the others.

It’s also a good thing that no other song in the contest need to use that note or else people might think something was up.

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Next up is Screech playing “Home on the Range” with new lyrics about Bayside. Zack Morris decides he doesn’t need to do anything to beat Screech because Screech sucks ass and couldn’t possibly get people to think anything he does is good, right six seasons of The New Class?

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The final song is a rock ballad by Zack Morris, or at least what Saved by the Bell thinks rock sounds like since I’m pretty sure the opening chords are a direct rip off of Chuck Berry. So, once again, Saved by the Bell is in touch with what was cool forty years before it aired.

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Of course, it’s such a hit it starts a spontaneous dance party in the middle of the hallway and everyone’s going bat shit crazy over it. Well, except for that one guy sitting on the steps who looks like he just wants to collect his check for being an extra and get the fuck out of there. Also, how long is Bayside’s passing period? I’m pretty sure that chaos would result from giving students this much free time in the hallways.

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When the results of voting are tallied, though, Zack Morris and Screech each receive 132 votes, meaning we need a run-off to draw this plot out even further.  Turns out the nerds at Bayside only aspire to be as incompetent as Screech and voted for his stupid plagiarism. Mr. Belding says Zack Morris and Screech will each perform their song with the glee club at a school assembly next week.

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Zack Morris decides he has to find a way to get the nerd vote, and the best way is to sexually lead on the nerd princess, Louise. He asks her out on a date and tells her he thinks she’s super great and shit and she buys it all up.

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At The Max, Zack Morris romances Louise, who’s practically drooling and has a massive lady boner over how much attention Zack Morris is giving to her. She says she would have voted for him if she’d known how scheming Zack Morris was, she would have voted for him instead of Screech. She says she’ll get the boy nerds to vote for Zack Morris in exchange for a kiss so Zack Morris, not being one to pass up an opportunity to kiss a girl, even if it’s a background character from The Wonder Years, puckers up and gives Louise the thrill of her life.

Slater, Lisa, and Tori come in The Max to find Zack Morris and Louise in mid-lip lock and it suddenly dawns on them that Zack Morris is a schemer. They jump to the conclusion that he must have sabotaged their songs and decide to get revenge on him. Hey, they may have jumped to the right conclusion but it’s still jumping to a conclusion.

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They put their plan into motion after Louise tells the male nerds to vote for Zack Morris when Slater warns them that Zack Morris is stealing their girls. Slater says that soon, all the other cool guys in school will want to date nerd girls and there won’t be any left for them. This panics them that they may not get to lose their cursed virginity and they rush off to tell their fellow nerds to vote for Screech…because all of that made sense somehow I guess?

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In practice, Slater, Lisa, and Tori tell Screech they’re going to change his sucky ass song to make sure he beats Zack Morris. 

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Finally, before the performance, they feed Zack Morris water tainted with pure lemon extract…

What the hell is that supposed to do?

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Oh, it makes Zack Morris unable to sing, because one of the well known properties of lemon is the numbing of the human voice. None of this makes any sense!

In any case, Zack Morris crashes and burns and there are no second chances even when it’s obvious that something’s very wrong. Backstage, Slater, Lisa, and Tori reveal the conclusion they jumped to: that Zack Morris sabotaged them. He apologizes and says he just wanted to be remembered for something positive, but he fucked up again like usual.

Screech isn’t happy with the changes the other made, but he says it’s okay because they used the same prepositions. Zack Morris asks to sing with them, and they go out to reveal the new school song.

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I’ve recapped these lyrics once before when it was sang in “Goodbye Bayside, Part 2” but, in case you don’t follow those reviews, here is the horrible song that will forever be a part of Bayside until the writers forget it exists.

It seems like only yesterday we started,
But soon we’ll put away our books and pens,
We’ll go on with our lives once we have parted,
But how can we say farewell to our friends?

The double dates, the parties, and the dances,
Cramming for a mid-term until three,
The football games, The Max, and the romances,
Soon Bayside will be just a memory.

Our four years here have all become unraveled,
And so our high school story finally ends,
But years from now, no matter where we’ve traveled,
We’ll all look back and think about our friends.

So many reasons to hate this song and think the writers have never heard a school song before in their lives. And, of course, should The Max ever go out of business after PETA boycotts them for Max’s mistreatment of animals, future students will have to sing a song about an irrelevant business that used to cater to the every whim of Bayside’s students.

vlcsnap-2015-07-31-19h11m10s866In any case, the audience loves it and our episode and our final look into the Tori-verse ends with our gang friends forever more until Tori disappears out of existence. Judging from Ox’s expression, though, I think he’s caught a glimpse of Lisa’s breasts and he’ll have a lot happier memories of this episode than I will.

Firsts: The new school song.

The New Class Season 4, Episode 7: “Student Court”

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We open in the hallway where Mr. Belding and Screech are wearing rain jackets because…there’s a rare rainy day in Los Angeles? No, that would make a whole lot more sense than what they’re actually doing. Instead, they’re dressed like this to announce the Rainy Day Indoor Sports Festival, because why the hell not. Why do they always just loudly announce shit in the middle of the hallway? Did the writers forget that, yes, schools have intercoms?

So apparently students are going to compete in indoor sports like Foosball and pool and shit, with the winner getting a trip to Catalina, because apparently Bayside has the money to send their students to Catalina for a weekend but not to buy fucking soccer uniforms. It’s nice to know their priorities are so in line with reality.

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Naturally, Ryan really wants to win the trip so he can hopefully bone Rachel and suggests that the gang team up to win it together…even though that wouldn’t make sense for a team of six to compete in this thing and Mr. Belding and Screech didn’t say a word about teams. The writers of this show must be due for their 9:00 am reality pill.

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Meanwhile, the writers also want us to believe that Eric, who’s become a football star as of last week, is being bullied by this guy, Bull, yet another person who’s obviously way too old to still be in high school but, hey, maybe we won’t notice because we’re just as clueless as the writers are. He’s only here because they needed an excuse for Eric to have a subplot this week. Yeah, when I was in high school, if you bullied anyone on the football team, the rest of the football team would have kicked your fucking ass. Just yet another bit of proof that the writers of The New Class have no idea what it’s like to be in high school.

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Screech returns sans raincoat to fulfill his other duty for the episode: that of hallway Nazi. He finds Eric has an overdue library book and, since Bayside now suddenly has a student court that its taken eight years to see, he issues Eric a summons to appear before the court because that’s obviously how overdue library books are handled and not just fucking charging his school account! My god, the stupid hurts.

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Maria has a crush on Scott Miller, a totally hot guy from her French class with a Dawson’s Creek haircut. She practically forces himself on her but, since the writers also don’t realize how teenage boys work, he doesn’t realize Maria exists and, instead, goes for that whore Natalie.

As Maria feels the burn of rejection, the bell rings, and, literally a second later, Screech appears and gives her a citation for student court, because it appears he’s still as big an idiot as last time he was a hallway monitor.

Also, Ryan’s still in the hallway and tries to give Screech a fake hall pass. Screech isn’t an idiot for once in his life because the plot demands it so he recognizes the forgery and gives Ryan a summons to student court. Interestingly enough, Ryan’s hall pass was supposed to be from Mr. Bennett, who you may remember, but probably don’t, as the chemistry teacher from way back in the original series’ season one episode, “Cream for a Day.” Geez, they’re really pulling out the old references this season. Where they hoping some of these actors might get excited by a mention and want to come guest star in an abomination of their character like Mr. Dewey?

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At student court which, in this universe, apparently has the ultimate authority to decide the fates of all students even beyond Mr. Belding’s authority and takes itself way too seriously, no mercy is shown for our three main characters. Eric gets give hours of library duty, Maria a day of detention, and Ryan gets a week of detention.

Ryan thinks it’s bull shit that they’re being punished but Mr. Belding says it’s better than if he punished them since he would bring out whips, slings, and chokers. They still don’t think it’s fair so Mr. Belding thinks it’s a good idea to take three people who don’t understand the importance of student court and have just actually expressed condescension towards it and place them in charge of said court. Yes, that’s right, Mr. Belding appoints Eric and Maria justices to the court and Ryan is made chief justice because Mr. Belding never learns his lesson on these things.

In the gym, the gang and other assorted background characters practice for the sports tournament. Ryan and Rachel are a team for doubles ping pong but are scared they won’t win against Scott and Natalie. Maria’s on darts, Eric on air hockey, Katie on poll, and Nicky on Foosball.

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Also, Bull continues bullying Eric because it was so believable the first time. Bull’s playing against Eric on air hockey and smashes a disk for no reason just to show how stupid he is.

The bell rings and Katie wishes she could stay behind and practice pool. Nicky suggests they can skip whatever they want since their teammates are on student court.

Speaking of which, in student court, Bull’s charged with chewing gum in class. Eric sentences him to scrape the gum off every desk in Bayside, which Screech says is harsh but Eric says will teach Bull a lesson about being in high school in his mid-twenties.

Scott’s charged with talking during study hall. Maria finds out he was talking to Natalie and sentences him to transfer to her study hall so she can keep an eye on him…

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…but not before giving him a seductive look she must have learned from Screech’s seduction of the pink ranger.

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A nerd brings Nicky and Katie in for cutting class and Nicky tells Ryan that Katie being good at pool is important for Ryan getting laid. Ryan sees the logic in this and sentences them to detention in the gym tomorrow during the same period. Of course, Screech doesn’t have any say over any of this crap because adults have no override authority over the student court in this universe. Also, Screech is a fucking moron, in case I don’t say it enough.

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In the hallway, Maria’s happy that Scott’s finally paying attention to her and her lady boner goes up. Ryan reminds her that, if Scott and Natalie beat Rachel and him at ping pong, they might go to Catalina alone. Maria sees Natalie walking in the hall and starts a rumor that Scott blames her completely for what happened in study hall, pissing her the fuck out all the way to a cut to The Max where she tells Scott she never wants to see him again. Maria cuts in to comfort Scott and hopefully get herself laid as well, causing the audience to lose their fucking mind.

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Meanwhile, Bull finishes scraping gum off the bottoms of the tables at The Max. Wait…his punishment was to scrape gum off the bottom of the desks at Bayside. Is this official confirmation that The Max is owned by Bayside? Well, no wonder Bayside is always so short on money if they’re always losing money because of the gang’s shennanigans here. In any case, Bull gets pissed off when Eric wants him to return each piece of gum to its original owner so Eric sentences him to miss the sports festival.

The gang’s delighted to hear that they’re going to be able to cheat their way into a trip to Catalina so Rachel gets Ryan to let her skip fifth period and go buy a bathing suit so he can oogle her breasts. Katie wants a new bathing suit too but she can’t afford one, which makes Nicky sad because he wants something to look at.

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That’s when these two guys come in and start talking sexist smack about Katie being a girl and girls not being able to shoot pool and shit. Nicky challenges them to play Katie now for five dollars a ball and, though Katie’s initially hesitant to play for money at school, Nicky’s boner reminds Katie that it’s an easy way for her to get the money for a bathing suit.

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Naturally, Katie completely pulverizes Goofus and Gallant and, as the idiot duo pay up, Screech comes in. Screech took his idiot pill today, though, and thinks the two were paying Katie for pool lessons, allowing them the time to get away.

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Unfortunately for them, Mr. Belding’s not as big an idiot as his assistant and, when he comes in, he quickly realizes what’s going on after Screech almost kills him with the cue ball. Mr. Belding takes them to Ryan, Maria, and Eric and tells them that Nicky and Katie will appear before the student court tomorrow for their offense. The usual punishment is one month suspension from all student activities, meaning they would miss the sports tournament. Since Mr. Belding doesn’t seem to have the authority any longer to punish students, he must depend on our three justices more corrupt than Clarence Thomas to dole out a fair punishment.

At The Max, Nicky tries to convince Ryan to give Katie and him a lighter sentence so they can still compete but Ryan suddenly has a change of heart and wonders if he should give them an appropriate sentence because nothing else in this episode makes sense at all so why start sixteen minutes in? Seriously, unlike “Student Teacher Week” or even last season’s “The Principal’s Principles,” there’s absolutely no reason for Ryan to be having a change of heart over his previous corrupt dealings so, really, why should he start now? The fuck if I know but this is what we’re going with.

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After Nicky leaves, Ryan has a dream sequence about what will happen if he lets Nicky and Katie off the hook. Naturally, he has sexy time in Catalina with Rachel.

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However, Nicky ends up in jail guarded by Screech because he never learned that the rules applied to him. Something tells me that lack of food isn’t the worst punishment doled out in this prison. Also, seriously, this one incident led him to a life of crime? Maybe the writers think it’s because he’s from New York.

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Ryan goes to see Mr. Belding for advice and tells him he’s hesitant to punish Nicky and Katie because he wants sexy time but Mr. Belding tells him that, if he breaks a rule for one person, it’s not fair to everyone else and he’s supposed to make a fair decision no matter what other people think despite the fact it was made pretty clear he was never going to be very fair in this job to begin with. Ryan sits in contemplation as the camera focuses on his forced dilemma.

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At court, Maria and Eric give Nicky and Katie a light sentence. Ryan overrules them, though, leading them to be briefly upset with him. He marches out saying he’s got to be fair to everyone since Bayside apparently doesn’t allow justice to recluse themselves when they have conflict of interest, like one of the justices being related to one of the defendants.

In the hallway, everyone agrees with Ryan because we’re running short on time, and Eric and Maria rush off to make the corrupt things they did against Bull, Scott, and Natalie right, because we apparently still give a damn about those three characters who really served no purpose whatsoever in this episode.

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Rachel, dressed in whatever the hell this is supposed to be, thinks it’s sexy Ryan was able to make such a tough decision and Ryan says that’s a good thing because our episode closes with Ryan saying that, since Rachel skipped class, he has to sentence her to a week of detention to be served naked in his bedroom before Nicky gets home from school.

God I hate this show.

Saved by the Bell Season 4, Episode 23: “Slater’s Friend”

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We’re back to season one for the final out of season episode of the series, and we open in speech class with Coach Rizzo substituting as the speech teacher. It’s not clear why Coach Rizzo is the only one available to do this but I have to assume Bayside’s having one of their many financial shortfalls that come from investing in too many junk stocks.

Zack Morris tells us in monologue that their class assignment this week is titled, “My Best Friend.” I’m sure he’ll talk about his left hand. Also, it’s strange going back to these season one episodes since Zack Morris’s voice hasn’t deepened yet and I have to remind myself he was only a budding sociopath back then.

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First up is Slater, who talks all about a friend who’s been around the world with him, he’s never had to say goodbye to, and will never leave him nor forsake him. While it would be easy to assume that he’s found Jesus and has been attending ex-gay summer camp, he has a different sort of best friend.

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A plastic chameleon he’s named “Artie.” Yes, a fucking plastic chameleon. Slater’s friend, the namesake of this god damned fucking episode, is a plastic chameleon. Oh, they’ll insist it’s real the entire episode but that is plastic I tell you! The audience thinks this is a touching moment, thus proving they’ve always been easily impressed.

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At The Max, everyone’s practically pissing themselves over Slater’s chameleon. Well, except for Lisa, who’s a feminine girl so she’s afraid of icky things and shit. Also, hope you caught Max walking by on the left side of this screen shot because it’s the last time you’ll ever see him. This is his sole apperance in this episode: walking by and gawking that someone else has brought an unsanitary animal into his restaurant. It’s a wonder the health department isn’t all over this place.

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Slater even shows the gang how he can put a plastic chameleon in his hand and make its head touch his nose. They don’t even try to make it look like the thing did it on its own. They even show Slater adjusting it and it nearly falls off Mario Lopez’s hand at one point, but doing another take would cost too much money so fuck that shit! Screech is amazed by this non-trick, though, and wants to know how it’s done. Okay, so Screech was already showing signs of the idiot he’d later become as early as the first season.

Slater says he got Artie when his dad was stationed in the Philipines. Since then, they’ve been through fourteen schools together. FOURTEEN? Geez, that’s more than one school for ever year you’ve been a student, Slater! Your dad’s commanding officers must fucking hate him to transfer him that often!

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Slater decides our episode needs some conflict so he asks Screech if he’ll watch Artie while he’s in San Diego this weekend. We never do find out why he’s going to San Diego but it’s a convenient excuse to push along the plot.

Kelly reminds Jessie that they’re meeting that night so Jessie can help Kelly with her speech but Jessie has to back out because her mother is a quasi-feminist crusader who’s making Jessie chain herself to a gas pump or some shit that night. I’m assuming that this entire family just has more issues than National Geographic. Sensing an opportunity to lose his cursed virginity, Zack Morris invites Kelly over to his house that night instead for some hot “studying,” which is naturally code for “fucking until we’re inevitably interrupted by the plot.”

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In Zack Morris’s room, Zack Morris destracts himself from his boner by showing us the cardboard cutout of Kelly from “King of the Hill” again. Jesus, Zack Morris was one creepy ass motherfucker creating cardboard cutouts of girls without their knowledge.

There’s a knock on his door and Zack Morris assumes it’s Kelly but, instead, Screech walks in and tells Zack Morris he needs to leave Artie there tonight because his animals are hungry for plastic. Kelly comes in as they’re talking and Zack Morris kicks Screech out so he can have happy fun time with Kelly.

Kelly wants to make baby faces at Artie but Zack Morris, sensing his opportunity for fucking is passing him by, suggests she put Artie down so they can practice their “speech.”

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Kelly puts Artie down under a desk lamp but, before Zack Morris can get very far, Jessie comes barging in through Zack Morris’s window and declares she’s Peter Pan! No, actually, she couldn’t make it to the protest so she’s free to help Kelly practice her “speech,” leaving Zack Morris once again to relieve his own frustration.

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I guess two days have suddenly passed because we’re back at Bayside, where Zack Morris can’t get Artie to move. Screech declares that Artie is dead and…good lord, it’s a plastic fucking chameleon! They don’t die! Kellie and Jessie each blame themselves for Artie’s death, Kelly for placing him under a desk lamp and Jessie for leaving the window open so he could get cold. So he either died of heat or cold…or why not both in this crazy, fucked up universe. Also, Jessie says this all happened last night, meaning the gang had a one day weekend and Slater was only gone to San Diego for one day!

Slater comes around to pick up his plastic chameleon and Zack Morris throws it in his locker before Slater can see. He tells Slater he left Artie at home. Slater wants to ditch class so they can go get Artie since Slater hasn’t been able to make love to him the whole one day weekend, but Zack Morris, instead, says he’ll get Artie at lunch and meet Slater at The Max.

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Zack Morris and Screech find a pet store that sells chameleons and buy one for Slater. Unfortunately, the girls have the same idea and Slater quickly realizes, with two chameleons, that something’s up. Now either there are a lot of pet shops immediately around Bayside and The Max that sell chameleons or Zack Morris and Screech managed to walk completely around the girls and not even realize it. Either way, something stupid happened here.

In any case, Slater just assumes Zack Morris lost Artie somewhere in his room so he says he’ll come by after wrestling practice and help Zack Morris look for him. Slater leaves and the gang realize Slater’s eventually going to find out everyone’s just patronizing him about his stupid plastic chameleon.

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This naturally leads into a shared dream sequence where Mr. Belding, playing one of the cops from Reno 911, bring the gang in for booking as suspects in the death of Artie.

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His main witness is Slater dressed in a modified Godzilla costume, and this has to be one of the creepiest things we’ve seen Slater do on this show. He randomly flicks his tongue in and out of his mouth trying to imitate what Artie would do if he wasn’t made of plastic but it really looks like he’s auditioning for a porno. He also speaks with a voice that makes him sound like a cross between James Gandolfini and the Cobra Commander. Oh, to be a G.I. Joe right now so I could put an end to this awful scene!

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The gang imagine each of their individual fates for their role in killing Artie, including Screech getting solitary confinement for life dressed as the Monopoly man.

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Jessie gets put on ice in a bathing suit since she made Artie cold.

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And since he died from being both too cold and too hot, Kelly’s put in a frying pan with some eggs. Does that mean she’s the bacon? I wonder if that’s what Zack Morris secretly wanted to do to her all through the first season!

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Lisa just hated Artie so she has to wear polyester or some shit.  Strange but Zack Morris doesn’t get a punishment of any type for his role in this stupid situation; just a strongly worded rebuttal. Yay for Zack Morris getting off yet again…

Unlike most dream sequences, we don’t go back to The Max but, instead, to Zack Morris’s room.

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Slater goes through all of Zack Morris’s belongings looking for Artie and finds the cardboard cutout of Kelly. Okay, now I know Slater’s completely insane. No one could find something like this and not want to use it against a guy they don’t particularly like who he’s soon to find out killed his imaginary lizard. Someone knows about the cardboard cutout and they don’t warn Kelly of stalker-like behavior occurring.

The rest of the gang come in and Zack Morris finally tells Slater the truth about Artie: that he was never alive to begin with. Slater acts like he takes the news of his insanity in stride but the way he says, “stupid chameleon” and the fact seven minutes are left in the episode just let you know he’s not completely over this situation yet.

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Back at Bayside, it’s Kelly’s turn to give her speech about her German Shepherd Freddie. Slater deals with his grief by making random outbursts and sexual harassment during Kelly’s speech. He pisses Coach Rizzo off, who sends him to Mr. Belding’s office so Mr. Belding can actually have a role in this episode besides the minor role in the dream sequence.

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In Mr. Belding’s office, Slater won’t tell Mr. Belding what’s wrong and they have a stand-off about Slater’s behavior. Zack Morris  and Screech barge in and tell Mr. Belding about Slater’s fake plastic chameleon.

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This leads to one of the most unintentionally hilarious scenes since “Jessie’s Song” as Mr. Belding and Slater bond over the death of a damn fucking fake plastic chameleon. I swear, it was hard not to laugh as Slater processed his emotions with Mr. Belding. Season one Saved by the Bell was really bad when it came to serious situations. I mean, not “Jessie’s Song” and “Pipe Dreams” bad but still…

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And how else could we end this whole damned episode then with a funeral as suggested by Mr. Belding. Zack Morris naturally acts as the officiant because why the hell not. Lisa and Coach Rizzo give testimonies.

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Jessie and Screech provide musical accompaniment in the form of a stupid song Screech wrote about Artie and it’s quite obvious this isn’t really Elizabeth Berkley singing. It sounds nothing fucking like her, in any fucking world!

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Slater gives a final tribute to his fallen friend and says he’s discovered he has six friends who may just be as good of friends to him a fake fucking chameleon. Oh, and two faculty members at his school with really bad boundary issues.

vlcsnap-2015-07-25-16h19m54s341And our episode ends with Slater feeling better as Mr. Belding reflects that he still has three more years to get it on with Slater.

All of this over a fake plastic fucking chameleon. Fucking hell.

 

The New Class Season 4, Episode 6: “Little Hero”

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Oh, Mr. Dewey. WHY! You went four seasons without staining your reputation with this spin-off! Why did you choose to suddenly to tarnish your character by appearing on this show? Excuse me while I go sob quietly into my pillow.

Yes, after a four season absence from the franchise, Mr. Dewey is back, now as a communications teacher. I guess he took over the role of “most versatile” teacher after Mr. Tuttle left since the only thing he’s ever taught before is algebra. In any case, he gives the gang their assignment: a video assignment to film someone they consider to be a hero. Oh, god, please don’t let one of them choose Screech…

Also, what happens if a group can’t afford a video camera? Oh, wait, this is Saved by the Bell, where even Kelly Kapowski, despite supposedly being poor, can afford to take a trip to Hawaii with five of her closest friends and own the latest fashions, so I guess “poor” in this universe means you do without Cinemax.

And, yes, in case you’re wondering, The New Class does manage to fuck up Mr. Dewey’s character. I’m not sure how the fuck you manage to screw-up a character who just stands and talks in a monotone, but some idiot decided he needed to show emotion, and he frequently does, as when he enthusiastically encourages the Bayside football team to beat Valley.

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On their way to a pep rally, Ryan and Rachel practically jack each other off in the hallway over the fact they’re both dressed like they’re on the Bayside golf team. Wasn’t Rachel a cheerleader before?  Why doesn’t she need to be on stage? Nicky doesn’t want to get involved in this circle jerk until he realizes his new forced love interest is a cheerleader because she’s Lindsay’s replacement. Also, Maria brings up the fact that Todd Miller, Katie’s old boyfriend, is coming back to town next week and she totally blows Nicky off in the not so good way as the girls all walk to the pep rally talking about how awesome Todd Miller was.

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At the pep rally, Eric thinks Mr. Belding’s going to recognize how important he is to the team as a bench warmer.

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Unfortunately, for Eric, Mr. Belding actually means Melvin, the water boy, because water boys are frequently recognizes water boys.

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Mr. Belding hands over the pep rally to the worst possible person to give encouragement. Screech reminds the assembled teenagers how much Bayside has sucked against Valley ever since he’s been on this show because they haven’t really had a football related episode. And, proving that, even in his absence, Tommy D is still a dumb ass, Screech relates how, last year, Tommy D had the opportunity to score the winning touchdown against Valley and, instead, ran the football into the opposing teams’ end zone. Oh, Tommy D. Your legacy will always be to be a complete moron, won’t it?

Also, Nicky’s jealous of Todd Miller because he and Katie just started dating. I guess that happened off screen. Thanks, The New Class, for not including something as trivial as two main characters deciding to date in an episode! Nicky decides that the most important thing he can do in this episode is spend as much time with Katie as possible!

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In the locker room, we find out that the Bayside/Valley game’s currently in progress, and a player named Kapowski ran into Mr. Belding and was too shaken to go back in the game. Wait…are they making a reference to one of Kelly’s myriad of younger siblings here? If so…kudos on an inside reference! Also, Mr. Belding took out a cheerleader in the process, which seems thrown in but will actually matter in a minute.

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In any case, we don’t get to watch the game in progress because filming is difficult. Instead, we get the excitement of Screech watching from the window and telling us what’s happening, because that’s a great substitute. Show, don’t tell, guys!

Screech tells us that Eric’s put in for Kapowski. The team throws a long one to Eric, he zigs and zags through and makes it to the end zone. He makes a touchdown and, lucky for contrivance, that just happens to be the end of the game and Eric wins the game for Bayside.

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At The Max, the background extras just eat up Eric doing a random victory dance for them. Meanwhile, Rachel and Maria get the idea to do their class project on Eric as a Bayside hero. He agrees because he doesn’t want to be as under-appreciated as R.J.  from last season so Rachel and Maria go to get their camera, which I guess they just left in their car since break-ins aren’t a huge problem in LA or anything. Also, Ryan gets the idea to sell autographed Eric Little t-shirts.

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Heather, a snobbish cheerleader who’s been kind of a bitch to Eric throughout the episode, suddenly wants to jump his cock and convinces Eric to come to her house and fuck. Ryan reminds Eric he’s supposed to wait for Rachel and Maria, but he’s all, “Fuck that! I’ll be another R.J. if it means becoming the first person in the history of this show to get laid!”

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Katie has no time to hang out with Nicky because she has to find a replacement cheerleader for the one that Mr. Belding injured. Nicky lies and tells Katie he was a cheerleader in…wait for it…NEW YORK! Ah, it’s like playing, “Where’s Waldo?” finding the New York reference for Nicky in every episode! This excites Katie, or at least it would if she had the ability to emote, and she rushes to tell the cheerleaders.

Rachel and Maria return and are pissed off to find that Eric ditched them to get laid. There’s not much reaction to this revelation other than the indecisive stock music of The New Class playing us into a commercial break.

At Bayside, Eric and Heather are a couple, and Rachel and Maria get pissed at Eric for standing them up. He promises they can interview him in the gym before practice.

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Also, Ryan shows Eric the t-shirts he’s going to autograph and sell for $20 each. He’s ordered a ton of them in anticipation that Eric won’t get his comeuppance later in the episode for acting like an ego inflated jerk to everyone.

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Nicky approaches Screech and asks for some cheerleading tips since he heard Screech was once the mascot on the cheerleader squad because being the mascot, you definitely learn all the moves all the other cheerleaders do. That makes complete sense! Nicky still hasn’t learned it’s not good to trust Screech with anything and doesn’t sense a bad omen when Screech injures Mr. Belding trying to come out of his office.

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So, yeah, we get Screech’s bad cheerleading advice now: all you need to do is smile, shout, and shake it, because dancing and acrobatics aren’t involved in cheerleading at all! Naturally, Screech’s advice makes Nicky look like a complete fuckwit.

Rachel and Maria come in and find out that Eric stood them up again, while Mr. Belding comes in and exposits that the next game is against Westwood and he’s counting on them to win with an awesome player like Eric because what could go wrong!

Melvin comes in wearing an Eric t-shirt and he tells them that Eric’s autographing the t-shirts at The Max…

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…while Heather gives him a reach around I guess? Rachel and Maria tell Eric that he’s turned into a jackass since he got an episode revolving around him. Eric says not to worry about the project deadline because Mr. Dewey will let it slide because he’s Eric Little. Sorry, Eric, but you don’t have what it take to have the ego of Zack Morris.

Back in the gym, the cheerleaders show Nicky the cheerleader routine he needs to learn. Nicky suddenly realizes that Screech is a moron and fakes an injury to get out of being a cheerleader.

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In the locker room, before the Westwood game, Mr. Belding and the coach tell the players to not let a cliched plot device ruin their chances of winning a game.

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Naturally, Eric doesn’t listen. When he has the chance to score the winning touchdown, he stops at the two yard line and does his victory dance there instead, allowing two Westwood players the opportunity to tackle him. Since this is contrivance city, it’s the end of the game again and Bayside loses.

Wait, they filmed an outdoor scene for Eric’s fuck-up but not for his winning touchdown? I guess they’re limited to one outdoor scene a season. Damn it, The New Class, is making a decent television show just this hard for you?

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At Bayside, Eric sucks ass now. Nerds make fun of him, Heather doesn’t want anything to do with him, Ryan can’t give away Eric Little t-shirts, and Rachel and Maria think Eric is a horrible person because the project is due today and they don’t have time to film it. Oh, and Mother Teresa called to let Eric know she hates him.

Katie realizes Nicky faked the injury and gets mildly annoyed that Nicky can’t actually do something that common sense should have told her he can’t do.

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Mr. Belding and Screech find that Eric’s stuffed himself in his own locker, something Screech should have done long ago. Eric doesn’t want to go to class and face any more humiliation and, instead, asks if he can just exit the show unceremoniously like R.J. did, but Mr. Belding convinces Eric that this show has had enough cast changes over the last four years and can’t have another for another twenty episodes. Eric goes to class and Screech decides that maybe Eric should meet Screech’s long lost cousin and talk to him since he played a little football. And it just so happens Screech is meeting his cousin at The Max for lunch.

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Screech’s cousin is…Jim Harbaugh. Sorry, guys, I never got much into football so I haven’t the slightest clue who he is but I assumed he’s famous since the producers turned on the “audience, lose your shit” sign. I looked him up on Wikipedia and I guess he was a big player, playing for the Indianapolis Colts at the time this aired.

Jim Harbaugh gives Eric a nice motivational speech to give this an educational moral and says that you’re nothing without a team and that you usually mess up when you assume you’re more important and other such cliches. Eric says he fucked up for everyone, but convinces Jim Harbaugh to come to communications class and speak to them in lieu of a video project. Jim Harbaugh says he’s always willing to help out as long as Peter Engel gets him the check on time.

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Nicky comes in and does a horrible cheer to apologize to Katie. She says that humiliation is enough for forgiveness since we’re running short on time, and Jim Harbaugh wonders what universe he’s accidentally wandered into.

In communications class, no one believes Eric that he met Jim Harbaugh and Mr. Dewey breaks character again and gets pissed off at Eric for insinuating he met his hero since he’s from Indianapolis. Wait…does that mean Mr. Dewey moved to California with Zack Morris, Screech, Lisa, and Mr. Belding? So confused!

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Even more confusion ensues when Screech comes in dressed as a football player and pretending to be Jim Harbaugh. He whispers to Eric that Jim Harbaugh couldn’t make it so he’s filling in for him, which would normally full everyone given the nobody can recognize faces rule of the Saved by the Bell universe, but it’s convenient to the plot so no one falls for it.

vlcsnap-2015-07-13-15h14m19s121Mr. Belding brings in Jim Harbaugh, who gives a twenty second motivational speech to the class about being a hero being about who you are. In any rational world, this would get an F, but we need to end the episode with Mr. Dewey giving Rachel, Maria, and Eric an A and the girls making up with Eric.

Seriously, how hard was it to get a character right whose sole characteristic is saying everything in an uninterested monotone?

As a postscript, someone in the comments of a previous review asked me to be sure to mention the fact that this episode inspired someone to get a tattoo of Jim Harbaugh from this episode. Yes, some guy pledged that, if Jim Harbaugh was hired as head coach of Michigan, he would get an image of Harbaugh from this episode tattooed on his arm. I had never heard about this before, but you can read about it here. The biggest tragedy, naturally, is that someone has an image from this shitty show permanently etched into their skin.

Saved by the Bell: Hawaiian Style

Surprised to see this here this week? Well, don’t be! When I started this blog, I committed to doing everything in the order it aired, or at least in the order that IMDB claims it aired, so here we are with the first of two movies based on the series: Hawaiian Style!

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Our opening credits are basically random scenes from Hawaii to let you, the viewer, know that, yes, the producers really did splurge on travel costs to actually go to Hawaii, well, at least for part of the movie, since Dennis Haskins once admitted much of the filming was in Malibu. Oh well. I guess credit where credit is due: they made at least a little more effort to be authentic, unlike certain episodes of a stupid spin-off of the series.

Oh, and, yes, the original songs from this movie are horrible. I may do another post at some point where I break down the lyrics if there’s demand for it, but, suffice it to say, Mrs. Johnson’s kindergarten class was busy on their writing assignment that week!

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And our episode proper opens with, yes, Screech violating airport safety regulations by riding the baggage carousel. It’s not so bad. Maybe it’ll take him back in the back and they’ll ship him off to some country with a war going on. One of Screech’s random idiocies for the next hour and half is going to be him filming random stuff and just generally annoying the shit out of people. So, basically like most of his appearances in the franchise.

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Zack Morris and Slater get massive boners from all the women at the airport, which makes Jessie jealous since she and Slater are apparently dating. Where this movie fits in with the television series is confusing, and Slater and Jessie dating doesn’t make it any easier to figure out. See, this movie makes the most sense if it takes place in the summer between the gang’s junior and senior year of high school, even though that would make this a really busy summer for them between Malibu Sands, Palm Desert, and now Hawaii. In a minute, Mr. Belding is going to tell them he’ll see them in September, which means it can’t take place in between season four and The College Years. But Slater and Jessie weren’t dating the summer after their junior year, and Slater even went after Denise Richards and a princess from a made up country that summer. So, I’m just going to assume this entire movie is non-canonical, which begs the question, “Is it a complete waste of my time to watch it?” More on that in a bit.

Slater and Jessie start fighting over random shit, and, after complaints from Kelly and Lisa that they’re going too hot and heavy on the fighting too early in the movie, they agree to tone it down and get along for the duration of their two week vacation.

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While Slater and Jessie fight, Zack Morris spots a woman who looks confused as to why she’s in a shitty Saved by the Bell movie.

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Naturally, Zack Morris thinks that this could be his chance to lose his cursed virginity, so he swoops in like a hungry pterodactyl and insists on carrying her bags for her. Her name is Andrea Larson and she decides to let Zack Morris carry her shit for her rather than yell that there’s a sexual predator beating down on her. Andrea’s a native Hawaiian, which Zack Morris thinks is so cool because Hawaii is so much better than anywhere else in the world.

Meanwhile, Lisa bets Slater and Jessie $50 each that they won’t make it the whole trip without fighting. Jessie thinks, for some reason, that she’s going to win, so she readily agrees to the bet, because Slater and Jessie have such a long track record of getting along.

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Outside, a limo pulls up to collect Andrea, and in it is Derek Worthington, Andrea’s boyfriend, whom we’re supposed to think is pompous because he tries to tip Zack Morris, assuming he’s the porter. Yeah, that would be my first thought, too, and not that my girlfriend is being courted by a sexual predator. Andrea thanks Zack Morris and wishes him goodbye as she departs in the limo. In any other world, this would be the last time Andrea and Zack Morris saw each other, but this is the Saved by the Bell universe!

Andrea must be quite a knock out, too, because she distracts Zack Morris so much he never returns to the baggage claim to get his luggage. Seriously, he never gets his luggage. He must have thought he was going to a nudist resort so he wouldn’t need anything more than his hot naked body.

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Zack Morris is soon joined by the rest of the gang, who spot a familiar face nearby. Yes, Mr. Belding just happens to be in Hawaii at the same time as the gang giving a tour to a bunch of California principals. What are the odds! It’s almost like contrivance! He asks the gang what they’re doing there and we find out that Kelly’s grandfather owns a hotel in Hawaii and invited her to bring the gang for two weeks. Well, I guess at least it’s not like The New Class where Mr. Belding would have been invited along with the gang. But, if Kelly’s grandfather owns a hotel, why is her family always so poor? Why doesn’t her grandfather help out in times of need? These are questions that will never be answered because they never even occurred to the writers.

Mr. Belding suggests they keep as much distance from him as possible so that he doesn’t involve himself in whatever hijinks are about to ensue, and the gang agrees, showing a surprising appreciation for boundaries with the Bayside faculty. Mr. Belding leads his group in a nice double-decker bus to the Royal Pacific hotel while a dinky car from the ’60s pulls up to take the gang to the Hawaiian Hideaway, just to emphasize the class differences in where they’ll be staying.

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Nearby, two cab drivers spot Screech acting like an idiot and, rather than being repulsed by him like most of the world, say only, “He has returned!” which sounds suspiciously like Screech is going to have a really dumb and pointless subplot.

We get another song and a montage of some Hawaiian scenes to remind us, yes, we really are in Hawaii…

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…and the gang arrive at the Hawaiian Hideaway to meet Kelly’s grandfather, Harry Bannister, played by Dean Jones. If you recognize Jones from anything else, it’ll probably be either from The Love Bug or Beethoven. So, other than this movie, he’s known for talking cars and big slobbery dogs. Nice. Also, Harry treats us to yet another song, this time on the ukulele. Also, Harry instantly recognizes Screech by his stupidity.

Kelly asks why it’s so quiet and where the other guests are and that’s when we find out there are no other guests. Over a lunch of fish, we find out the Royal Pacific Hotel wanted to buy the Hideaway’s land so they hired away his staff and even paid others not to work there. With no staff to take care of them, guests stopped coming. Kelly wants to know what can be done but Harry says now is the time to eat, not worry about that, and they’ll talk more in a few scenes when Harry’s lawyer can be present.

Screech nearly chokes on a fish bone, and it suddenly makes me realize how much the easily impressed studio audience is to making Screech’s gags work. He tries to pull off something that wouldn’t be funny in the first place but that the studio audience would have loved, and we’re treated to awkward silence that reminds me of when your racist uncle says something really horrible about black people at Thanksgiving and you have absolutely no idea what to say other than completely go off on him. Some sitcoms have successfully done without a laugh track because their jokes stand on their own: Malcolm in the MiddleArrested DevelopmentThe OfficeThe Middle, just to name a few. Saved by the Bell was obviously never cut out to be one of these. This pattern continues throughout the whole movie so buckle your seat belts.

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We’re next treated to a little montage of the gang playing at the beach to remind us, yes, we are in Hawaii. Did you know you’re in Hawaii by now? Well, you are even if you didn’t realize it. Welcome to Hawaii! We also get another bad song that makes me wish for the awkward silence that accompanies a Screech joke.

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That night, Zack Morris and Screech naturally share a room because they’re hoping to finally consummate their love. Zack Morris tries to have a serious conversation with Screech about love at first sight and Harry losing the hotel, but it’s like talking a sponge so Zack Morris decides to go to bed. When Screech tries to film Zack Morris sleeping, he throws a pillow at Screech, and we get another of those awkward pauses.

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The next day at the beach, Screech films random shit, gets bit by a crab, and threatened by Lisa, the only other person on the beach, to get the fucking camera out of her face before she kills him.

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A group of native Hawaiians come onto the beach and declare that it is him…

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…and promptly swarm and kidnap Screch.

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When Lisa half-halfheartedly protests that they’re taking away the least competent member of the cast, the group kidnaps her as well to eliminate any witnesses to the perfect crime no one will ever want to investigate!

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Back at the hideaway, Kelly meets Harry’s lawyer, Brian Hanson, Harry’s lawyer who’s been working for Harry for free for the past two years. Kelly greets her obvious love interest for the film who I’m sure is not going to totally turn out to be a villain, and Brian says that there’s nothing they can do about Royal Pacific as they’re within their rights to harass a smaller hotel out of business.

Zack Morris comes in with an idea: for the gang to work for Harry at the Hideaway so he can stay afloat.

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Then Slater and Jessie come in with the same idea. I guess the writers of The New Class came in next but decided to store it away for the third season ski lodge episodes instead. Fuck me, The New Class really doesn’t have an original bone in their body.

Brian says that, in order to stay in business, Harry will need to fill the Hideaway to capacity for the next two weeks. Zack Morris says to leave it to them as they have a relationship with a certain plot contrivance down at the Royal Pacific.

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Meanwhile, the native Hawaiians bring Screech and Lisa to some open land.

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Screech decides it’s time to do something he thinks is intimidating but wouldn’t even intimidate a badly written Saved by the Bell extra, so he raises his finger and makes weird sounds. This has the expected reaction of making the Hawaiians bow down in reverence to Screech.

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Yes, Screech is their idol or some shit. Yeah, this is the Pukuku tribe and they say their former chief left to find snow (yeah, in Hawaii) but promised his descendant would return one day and help them reclaim their land from the Royal Pacific Hotel which just happens to be the evil corporation in this episode. They think Screech is their messiah, come to rescue them from the evils of bad subplots!

Gag me. Gag me now. Also, way to create a fake Hawaiian tribe by rhyming syllables that sound like “fu.” God, I hope this isn’t going to be as stupid as it sounds.

Lisa tries to tell them the truth: that their god makes George W. Bush look like Albert Einstein by comparison, but the Pukuku won’t listen to reason, insisting that ignorance is bliss, and decide it’s time for a bit of idol worship in the Saved by the Bell universe.

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Back at the Hideaway, the gang see the Pukuku carrying Screech back as a god to the Hideaway. Harry and Brian say that “Pukuku” is Polynesian for “idiot fringe” and the Puuku rush off to drive their cabs in happiness knowing their god is the biggest idiot in the world.

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At the Royal Pacific, Zack Morris finds out the principals are on the twelfth floor. He sends Kelly and Lisa to deal with some principals on the beach while the rest of the gang rush to the twelfth floor for Plan Be a Dick.

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See, in Plan Be a Dick, Slater dresses up like a hotel employee, eats one of the principal’s breakfasts on the spot…

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…and then delivers it with a slice of bacon and toast, outraging the portly principal, especially when Slater demands a 30% tip and then takes the rest of the breakfast when the principal refuses to comply.

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Jessie pretends to be a maid and chases one elderly female principal out of her room while she’s still in her nightgown.

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Kelly and Lisa instigate a scare of sharks in the water so that people will trample each other to visions of Jaws.

 

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And Zack Morris and Screech do a copyright infringement impersonation of Wayne and Garth from Wayne’s World that really should have seen them sued by Mike Myers and Dana Carvey. They pretend to fumigate this room with skunk stench to scare out the occupants for the next twelve hours.

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Operation Be a Dick complete, Zack Morris and Screech meet Andrea in the elevator, who just happens, in yet another funny coincidence, to work at the Royal Pacific. Zack Morris asks to meet Andrea after their plan is finished, but Andrea says she doesn’t want to commit statutory rape. Zack Morris says he can’t stop thinking about her and she tells him to go masturbate and feel better

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The gang join Mr. Belding for the breakfast buffet just as the other principals come up and blindly express outrage that Mr. Belding booked them at the Royal Pacific. Mr. Belding doesn’t think anything’s up that the gang just happen to be there when this chaos is taking place.

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Meanwhile, turns out that Derek is the son of the owner of the Royal Pacific and insists on having breakfast with Andrea despite the fact she needs to be at work since his wants and needs automatically trump those of the hotel guests and other employees. Andrea quickly capitulates, but not before saying no to his proposition for a nooner.

Derek sees the chaos with the principals and they all demand to be booked somewhere other than the Royal Pacific. Derek gives up really quickly with, “Who needs these people anyway?”

Mr. Belding wonders where he’ll find another hotel with forty rooms and the gang suggest Mr. Belding book the principals at the Hideaway since that will be a convenient way to get the main plot going. Lucky for him, I guess the Royal Pacific was nice enough to just give him a full refund when he and his group randomly leave, something no hotel would ever do in real life.

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The principals arrive at the Hideaway as Brian starts flirting with Kelly and insinuating he doesn’t share Andrea’s aversion to statutory rape. Also, Screech remembers that some unfortunate Hawaiian tribe is counting on him to save their land. Oh, any other time this would mean that the tribe is going to lose their land for sure.

Mr. Belding finds out the gang are the staff at the Hideaway and has reservations for some reason whether he can actually pull off a decent set of activities for the principals. Zack Morris tells Mr. Belding not to worry despite the fact he has five years of experience with this group of teenagers that tells him he should worry. After all, with a mere hour left in this film, what could possibly go wrong?

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Well, there’s reason to worry right away when a group of the principals let Zack Morris and Screech take them on an ocean expedition.

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Screech, being a confirmed dumb ass, manages to fall off the boat almost right away. Oh, Screech, you’re such a moron.

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Slater tries to teach another group how to throw a net into the ocean…for some reason. I assume he’s supposed to be teaching them how to fish but it’s never really made clear. In any case, he throws a net over and it snags Mr. Belding who just happened to be randomly swimming in that exact same spot! This makes Slater look like an idiot and not Mr. Belding because the plot demands it.

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Jessie’s on kitchen duty since it’s funny she’s feminist and has to do traditional women’s gender roles and shit. Naturally, she sucks ass at cooking a ham, even with a recipe.

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Kelly and Lisa teach an assembeld group how to hula dance but didn’t find out anything about hula dancing and that one makes a story with their hands while dancing, so they teach the principals how to do “The Itsy Bitsy Spider.” Classy to Hawaiian culture there, girls. The hulaing principals seem to eat it up, though, since it’s not integral to the plot yet.

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Back at sea, Zack Morris can’t get the boat to turn over. Yeah, turns out Zack Morris, in another instance of never learning from his mistakes, trusted Screech to check the gas, who decided not to do something so simple and common sense. Also, Screech isn’t wet from falling into the ocean because he has Marty McFly’s self-drying clothes from Back to the Future II.

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Lucky for Zack Morris, Andrea just happens to be driving by on her own boat at that very moment and agrees to tow them in since she won’t have much of a plot if Zack Morris dies at sea.

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Back on land, we finally meet our arch-villain of the movie only thirty-five minutes in, Charles Worthington, the owner of the Royal Pacific and the evil industrialist who wants to tear down the Hideaway. The producers must have thought he made a good villain here because he’s the same guy who played Mr. McMillan, the evil Bayside alumn who never got laid so he wanted to get the school shut down in The New Class two-parter “Goodbye Bayside.” He just likes being a dick to people for little justification, doesn’t he?

Mr. Worthington and Derek confer with a construction worker over plans to tear down the Hideaway and you can tell he’s a construction worker because he’s wearing a hard had and holding blueprints and wearing bad thrift store clothes. Mr. Worthington is convinced owning the Hideaway is a done deal since they haven’t had any customers in so long, and that’s when the construction worker spots Andrea towing in the Hideaway’s boat.

Mr. Worthington tells Derek he better get his girlfriend to respect his authority and not be nice to anybody.

On dock, Zack Morris thanks Andrea for saving him, a damsel in distress, and asks if they can have lunch tomorrow. Derek comes up raving like a mad man and Andrea speeds off in the boat so she can have as little contact with Derek as possible. She does, though, agree to have lunch with Zack Morris tomorrow since that’s the only way we’re ever going to advance the plot.

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The principals aren’t happy with how the day’s gone, though, and they say the dinner better be fucking good or else they’re going to create more conflict!

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The gang find that Jessie’s managed to cook a pre-cooked ham for seven hours because she sucks at life and there’s no way they can serve this to their guests.

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Lucky, at that very moment, the Pukuku come in with a stew for their idiot god and his friends which doesn’t taste bad. Harry and the gang decide that this is their only way out so they decide to serve the stew to their guests.

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Lucky, the guests love the stew and there’s no jokes about it being made from pig testicles or anything! Score one for a good ending to a really stupid day at the Hideaway!

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Brian shows up to see how their day’s gone and invites Kelly out to see Honolulu. You know, I think this is the first time we’ve actually been told where in Hawaii they are. Way to wait forty minutes into the film before revealing where in Hawaii this takes place instead of leaving it as “Random Hawaiian Place.” Also, is there an implication in the middle of all this that the Royal Pacific and the Hideaway are the only two hotels in all of Honolulu? I think the producers have about as good a grasp of Honolulu as they had previously on Indianapolis.

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The next day, Slater, Jessie, and Screech lead a group of principals on a trip to a cultural center to see an exhibit on Polynesian history. Lucky for them, Slater doesn’t need a license to drive a bus full of people in this universe! We get some more scenery of Hawaii to remind us that, yes, we are indeed in Hawaii in case you fell asleep and forgot what you were watching. Jessie, acting as navigator, finds what she believes to be a shortcut on the map to the center, and nothing could possibly go wrong with this!

Also, we randomly cut to Lisa shopping…for some reason that’s not explained for a few more minutes.

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On their lunch date, Zack Morris and Andrea have their date, and Zack Morris tells Andrea all about himself: about how he likes to dress in drag randomly and date his idiotic friends and shit like that. He’s ashamed of his Indiana heritage, though, because he leaves out the part where he lived in Indianapolis and moved to LA with his friends and his principal and found new parents. He also claims to have been born in LA.

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Kelly, on her date with a much older man, is quickly wooed by his efforts to seduce her. He decides to bring up an obvious question: what will happen after the gang leaves and Harry can’t keep going. He thinks Harry ought to sell the Hideaway and move back to LA to be close to his family even though Kelly once said that she had an uncle in Hawaii so why wouldn’t Harry just go live with him? Oh, yeah, because the writers can’t keep up with their already established bullshit.

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Jessie’s shortcut leads the bus to a dead end because, once again, Jessie sucks at life. The principals all wonder why they have to work in the same state as these idiots.

Back at Zack Morris’s date, Andrea doesn’t seem to want to talk about herself, saying she needs to get back, but Zack Morris tightens the screws on her and makes her talk about her and Derek. Why would she date a douche like Derek when she could date a dickhead like Zack Morris? He tries to kiss her and she says she really needs to go before she gets caught up in a zany plot not of her making. She says it’s a bad idea for them to get together and, when he asks why, she says to walk her back to the hotel. They proceed to abandon all their picnic stuff for Yogi Bear to find and trot hand in hand back to the Royal Pacific, Andrea seemingly forgetting minute by minute that, yes, we’ve established several times that she’s already dating Derek.

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Slater manages to back into a hole just wide enough to trap the bus (how convenient!) and he and Jessie fight over who’s the more incompetent one in the relationship!

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Derek drops Kelly back off at the Hideaway where they kiss and the audience would lose their shit over illegal love, that is if there was an audience. Kelly says she’s going to talk to Harry about the Hideaway before the guests get back, and our not obvious at all double agent contemplates how he went from doing soap operas to Saved by the Bell films.

In case you forgot we’re in Hawaii, we get yet some more scenes of people doing random beach stuff in Hawaii to remind us that, yes, we are actually in Hawaii in case you just tuned in and thought we were in LA during a movie called Hawaiian Style.

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Andrea introduces Zack Morris to her daughter, Jennifer, and, though he’s initially shocked that people in the Saved by the Bell universe can procreate, he quickly gets over this aversion to the existence of children and introduces himself to Jennifer. Good thing he got over this shock of the possibility of childbirth before he got stuck in an elevator with a birthing Mrs. Belding!

 

In his office, Mr. Worthington chews out an unseen accomplice for allowing there to be guests at the Hideaway and possible complications to his evil, dastardly plans. And are you ready for the big reveal they’ve been building up to for the last minute? You won’t believe it!

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Yes, Brian is working for Mr. Worthington and using Kelly and Harry to ensure Mr. Worthington’s evil plan goes off with no problems! How shocking! I didn’t predict this at all when he was first introduced in the movie! Gee, I need to go take a break and contemplate how well done that plot twist really is! It ranks up there with the ending of The Sixth Sense or Darth Vader being Luke’s father!

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Back on the beach, Zack Morris manhandles Jennifer and builds her sandcastles and shit. Jennifer thinks Zack Morris makes a really good sandcastle building slave and wants to know when she can force Zack Morris to do stuff for her again and he says that’s up to her mom.

Andrea gives Zack Morris the full story: she met Jennifer’s father in high school. They fucked and didn’t want to get married so, four years later, here she is as a single mom hoping to mooch off Derek to give Jennifer a better life. Zack Morris tells Andrea that Derek’s being a huge poopey face to the Hideaway and Andrea refuses to believe that a character as honest and morally upstanding as Derek would do something so sinister, blaming it instead on Mr. Worthington.

Jennifer wants Zack Morris to come to dinner with them that night but she reminds him that they’re having dinner with Mr. Poopey Face himself. Zack Morris invites them to the luau at the Hideaway tomorrow night instead and Andrea says she’ll let him know. Zack Morris leaves to get back to work, secured in the knowledge that his relationship plot is finally coming to fruition nearly two-thirds of the way through the film.

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Back at the Hideaway, Kelly tells Harry that it might be time to sell the Hideaway. Harry’s naturally resistant to sell his business since that would make for a pretty shitty climax to the film, but Harry promises he’ll think about it.

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Slater and Jessie come in fighting and muddy and talk about the day they’ve had. Mr. Belding’s also muddy and says that the principals are so fed up with this incompetence they want to leave the Hideaway. But where will they go with no other options in Honolulu?!?! Zack Morris promises Mr. Belding his group will love the luau. Mr. Belding says they better or else his group will pull out for sure, meaning that Harry will have to sell the Hideaway.

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Lisa comes in with forty TV dinners. Yes, she was apparently supposed to be on kitchen duty that day but went shopping instead. Gee, I wish they’d explained that to us, the viewer, earlier before they randomly inserted footage of her shopping. Also, she’s overjoyed to find out that she’s won $100 since Slater and Jessie are now fighting. And thus ends the “Slater and Jessie try not to fight” subplot.

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I guess everything must have went smoothly throughout the entire night and next day because it’s already time for the luau, folks! Zack Morris, Slater, and random Native Hawaiian blow through shells…

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While Screech dressed in an insultingly bad getup that I guess is supposed to make him look like a chief to the Pukuku but really makes him look even stupider than usual. Unfortunately, Zack Morris, still not learning from past mistakes, trusted Screech to bury the pig. The Pukuku start digging up the pig but, when they can’t find it, he realizes he forgot where he buried it. Zack Morris fights the urge to kill Screech and instead tells the principals they’re going to start the stage show while Screech figures out what he did with the pig.

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We get a montage of a stage show involving fire and stuff. Good thing playing the drums seems to be one of the gang’s many skills.

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And, look, Andrea and Jennifer made it to the luau after all! The little girl gets to be scarred by the gang after all!

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Back stage, Zack Morris and Slater dress for the next act and Slater tries to talk some sense into Zack Morris about dating an older woman with a child in a state hundreds of miles away from his home who he’s only known for a few days, one of the only times we ever get someone who doesn’t think statutory rape is awesome on this show. Zack Morris is all, “I don’t need reason and shit! I’m more in love with Andrea than even Kelly,” thus invalidating all the stupid shit he said about Kelly a few weeks ago in “Senior Prom.” I always wonder if the producers of this show realized at the time just how much of an ass they made Zack Morris out to be.

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The girls have a similar conversation since Kelly’s not sure she should date yet another older man who this time is even old enough that he’s graduated law school already! Lisa and Jessie convince Kelly that it’s awesome older men like her and she should just put out before they steal Brian from him. She sees their logic and decides that she might as well do it!

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Screech, realizing that he can’t keep living on his fucking insanity forever, brings in a random dog he must have stolen from someone on the street and gets the dog to sniff out where the ham is. Better hope it’s a ham and not a dead body or a bomb that’s going to get you wrapped up in an episode of Baywatch Hawaii!

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We go into our final thirty minutes with some sexual arousal for everyone! Well, except for the asexuals that is. You’ll just have to do with this gripping plot line with an obvious ending. The girls do a hula dance in costumes that were still lying around from “Aloha Slater” while Zack Morris and Slater have taken their shirts off. Lucky for us, Screech is occupied with digging up the pig so he’s not around to strip as well, for once. Electric guitar randomly starts playing during the dance despite there not being an electric guitar anywhere in the vicinity and our principals join in dancing the night away.

Screech comes out and announces he’s found the pig so they can now  finally eat instead of suffering because of his idiocy.

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Harry’s beyond happy at how great things are going and says it’s just like old times. Brian’s face betrays that he’s not happy at how well Zack Morris’s plan is working but, then again, he’s probably not watched enough Saved by the Bell to realize that nothing Zack Morris does can ever go wrong. Unfortunately, I have.

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Zack Morris asks Jennifer what her favorite part of the show was, and she says when Screech fell on the pig. Yeah, I don’t blame you kid. Any opportunity to see physical pain inflicted on Screech is always great for me as well. Andrea says they had a great time but now she needs to get Lindsay to bed. Zack Morris walks Andrea to the car, carrying Jennifer in his arms, obviously still hoping she’ll fall asleep so he can get a little something something from her mother.

Mr. Belding tells Harry that he has nothing to worry about now because the luau was such a success the principals have magically forgotten about the rest of the incompetence displayed over the last hour. Harry tells Kelly that he thought about what she said but knows that, after seeing all these happy faces, knows that he wants to be here and isn’t ready to give up. She says she understands as Brian comes up spouting more bullshit about Kelly’s beauty.

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Slater and Jessie pay up to Lisa, who rushes off to spend her newly earned money at the mall, which she says is open for another hour. Geez, how late do malls stay open in Honolulu? Does Hawaii have twenty-four hour malls I’ve just never heard about? In any case, Slater and Jessie argue some more about whose fault it is they lost a bunch of money to Lisa in the most predictable way possible. I’d say the writers of this film. They’re probably the most to blame.

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After placing a now-sleeping Jennifer in the car, Zack Morris kisses Andrea, meaning he’s now at least to third base with her in this universe. Zack Morris asks when he can see Andrea again, and she says anytime. If she knew Zack Morris better, she’d realize that could possibly mean 4:00 am while she’s showering the dirty things she’s done that night off her body.

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Kelly walks Brian to his car, having told him of Harry’s decision off screen. Brian says he respects Harry’s decision and will do everything in his power to help Harry until the end. They kiss, and Kelly’s barely off screen before Brian calls Mr. Worthington and telling him of these developments, assuring his evil master that he has a backup plan to put the Hideaway out of business involving a showdown on the loan extension. Unfortunately for Brian, Lisa got lost on the way to the mall and somehow ended up behind his car but outside his line of vision.

The next day, it’s been too long since we had a montage of scenes from Hawaii to remind us that, yes, indeed, we really are in Hawaii, guys, we promise! Highlights include Zack Morris surfing, the gang playing football, Zack Morris and Andrea harassing Jennifer, and the gang playing tug-o-war, pulling Mr. Belding and Screech into some water in the process.

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The real highlights come from Screech’s incompetence to deal with life, like riding his bicycle with no hands…

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or  ruining a game of volleyball by idiotically falling on the net….

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…or floating in the middle of the ocean on a floatie and having to be pulled in by a random guy. Yeah, I’m pretty sure if there’s anything I ever learned from Baywatch, it’s that pool toys are not allowed in the ocean, for very good reason. Maybe the lifeguards allowed it because they were hoping Screech would be pulled out to sea.

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At the bank, Harry pays the bank manager the money he currently owes on the loan. He says he owes the rest of the money on the loan, though. Brian tells the manager that they filed for an extension on the loan, which the manager says he never received. Brian was supposed to have sent in the papers but blames it on Harry, saying he was supposed to do it.

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Mr. Worthington and Derek, also customers at this same bank, rush into a private meeting which I’m sure isn’t a conflict of interest at all. The manager tells Mr. Worthington that Harry is on the brink of foreclosure because nothing says above board like telling your customer’s private information to a competitor directly in front of him. Mr. Worthington tries to get Harry to sell again.

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At the Hideaway, Harry calls an emergency meeting of all the principal characters minus our villains to discuss the situation. Andrea offers to talk to Derek and his father, but Harry says that he’s already agreed to the sell to avoid losing everything. Mr. Belding says that, having such a minor role in the film, he just can’t understand how the Worthingtons maneuvered Harry into a place where he’d have to sell. Lisa suddenly thinks that the nefarious plan she heard Brian talking about may be worth mentioning. Kelly’s first reaction is, naturally, to get pissed off that Lisa was watching them smooch. Yeah, priorities there, Kelly. Harry realizes that Lisa’s on to something and, when he finds out it was Brian’s idea for Kelly to convince him to sell the Hideaway, our assembled main characters realize what I did seventy minutes ago: Brian’s not a good guy.

Kelly suddenly comes around to priorities and wants to cut his dick off and stick it in his mouth. Zack Morris encourages her to wait, though, as he wants to do what he does best: manipulate people to get what he wants. Since Brian doesn’t know yet that they realize he’s in on the plot, Zack Morris believes he could be the perfect center of a Zack Morris plan to keep Harry from having to give up the Hideaway. Screech mentions the Pukuku and their land deed, and Zack Morris realizes the way to go is to convince Brian and the Worthingtons that the Pukuku have a deed that prevents them from building on the land.

After a commercial break, Kelly and Brian drive to a random university for a meeting with a professor who’s an expert on Polynesian culture and supposedly has a parchment with a land deed on it that the Pukuku discovered.

Who’s the professor you ask?

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Why, Mr. Belding in a bad wig and bow tie of course! After all, since Mr. Belding hasn’t had that much of a role in this film, the writers wanted to give him one more scene so he can act ridiculously and, I have to give it to Dennis Haskins, it’s probably one of the better scenes in this movie. Mr. Belding convinces Brian that the parchment is real and that the Royal Pacific built their hotel on land belonging to the Pukuku, meaning the tribe now has the right to sue the Worthingtons for damages. He allows Brian to take the Pukuku’s parchment under the ruse that he’s going to have it tested by another expert to be sure, and Mr. Belding expresses relief after Brian and Kelly leave that he’s not in much more of this film.

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As Brian leaves, telling Kelly that he needs to take care of some business, Andrea signals Lisa who calls Brian as Mr. Worthington’s secretary, saying that he needs to meet with Brian in a half hour. Lisa then calls Mr. Worthington as Brian’s secretary, saying that Brian needs to meet with Mr. Worthington in a half hour. It’s a good thing neither Mr. Worthington nor Brian has ever met the other’s secretary to know what they actually sound like.

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Meanwhile, Slater and Screech enter Mr. Worthington’s office as the Mario Brothers electrician service and tell him he needs to vacate his office for an electrical emergency and so that they can put their end of the plan in motion. Once out of the room, they set up Screech’s video camera in a fake plant. It’s a good thing that all the annoying shit Screech did with his camera actually had a purpose.

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It’s also a good that Screech has access to sophisticated broadcasting equipment because, in another room, he’s able to pick up the video camera on the television and see what’s going on. The rest of the gang and Andrea join them to see Brian show Mr. Worthington the deed. Mr. Worthington burns the deed, saying that, without it, the Pukuku won’t be able to prove that the deed ever existed.

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After another commercial break, the Pukuku protest in front of the Hideaway to save their land, and multiple reporters just happen to be present as Mr. Worthington is there to announce that the extension of the Royal Pacific will open by Easter.

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The gang show Brian the tape, who’s so shocked that they caught all this on camera that he doesn’t even think he could just run off with the evidence.

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Brian interrupts Mr. Worthington during the press conference to show him the tape. Zack Morris tells Mr. Worthington they have the original tape, that the one he’s watching is a copy which…is actually thinking a lot further ahead than most Saved by the Bell plots do. Mr. Worthington says that they can’t prove the land deed was real. Zack Morris counters that he’s right, but that a judge would find it interesting that Mr. Worthington thought enough of the deed to burn it. Zack Morris tells him that he’s to call off the groundbreaking and sell the Hideaway back to Harry at the same price he bought it for. He’s also to leave the Hideaway alone. Mr. Worthington agrees to the terms but says he’ll get his revenge by changing his name and waiting for a much more inferior cast of characters to come along in a couple years so he can have Bayside shut down on their incompetent watch and Zack Morris will have an excuse to come back with a Dawson’s Creek haircut and cry about it.

The only thing left is for comeuppance. Andrea tells Derek to get bent…

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…while Kelly straight up punches Brian! The lesson here is two-fold: don’t mess with Kelly Kapowski and don’t be a creepy guy in his late-twenties stalking girls from California. Brian also gets fired by Mr. Worthington and told he’ll never work on this island again. No mention of Harry, oh, I don’t know, filing fraud charges against Brian, the Worthingtons, and the bank manager for basically swindling him but everything worked out okay because Kelly got to punch Derek.

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A celebration dinner is held that night featuring Screech dancing like a moron.

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Slater and Jessie decide they really love each other so they’re not going to fight anymore for the rest of the trip. Lisa bets them $200 they won’t make it back to the plane before they fight again, and we all know that Lisa won that bet since that’s the only thing they can do.

Screech reveals the Pukuku’s are Harry’s new staff because we needed a happy ending for them despite the fact Screech did jack shit for them besides use them for a bunch of the gang’s plans.

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Harry insisted they would have to hire a manager from outside the tribe. He says he’s hiring Andrea, but only on the condition he gets to pay her five times what she made at the Royal Pacific. She also has to take college classes towards a degree. Andrea wonders how that’s even fucking possible considering she does have a daughter and stuff and Harry tells her not to worry because it won’t matter since they don’t have to figure out how to show it on screen.

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Zack Morris and Andrea go for a walk and Zack Morris says he doesn’t want to say goodbye. Since he’s turning eighteen soon, he wants to quit school and move to Hawaii. Andrea tells her that he has to stay with the franchise two more years so he can end up marrying another girl. He promises, though, that, if all that shit doesn’t work out, he’ll come right back to Hawaii and find her.

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The next day, it’s time to say goodbye, and the Pukuku thank Screech for doing jack shit to help them this entire episode. They will never forget him and will sing the praises forever of the idiot who came to Hawaii and acted a huge jackass.

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Harry and Kelly say a tearful goodbye and they hug goodbye forever since Harry won’t even be at Kelly’s wedding in a couple years.

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Zack Morris and Andrea kiss goodbye quite literally with Jennifer in the middle. Between this and seeing Screech for the last two weeks, poor kid’s going to be scared for life. The gang load into the Hideaway’s car to one more bad original song and a voice over from, of all people, Screech, who bids the audience, “Aloha.”

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And our film ends with the gang driving away and waving goodbye as Peter Engel takes credit for the mixed mess you’ve just witnessed.

Overall impressions: I was pretty bored with the whole thing overall. It feels like an extended episode with no studio audience and lots and lots of unneeded padding. The Slater and Jessie subplot wasn’t needed at all, Lisa is background decoration, and Screech is just around to act with his usual jackassery. It had its moments and, I have to admit, the plan to get Mr. Worthington to sell the Hideaway back to Harry was pretty ingenious, though it would have fallen apart had Mr. Worthington not burned the fake deed, but these moments were few and far between in the film and I found myself getting so bored just having to sit through much of this crap. I get why they were trying to do a feature length film; I just wish they had gotten someone competent to produce it.

Also, I’m not kidding, this film can’t possibly be canonical unless the gang just had unlimited energy that summer. I wonder if the writers realize that it paints Zack Morris a sociopathic asswipe who got over Stacey in just a few weeks and later lied and said he had never loved anyone more than Kelly. Yeah, I’m going to assume they didn’t think through how they were characterizing their protagonist, like usual.

Thanks for suffering through this review with me! Next week, we’re back for the final stretch of season four of Saved by the Bell!

Firsts: Film, leaving the continental United States.

The New Class Season 4, Episode 5: “The Tall and the Short of It”

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Oh, yay…a Sadie Hawkins dance. I’m almost certain this is ripping off something from the original series but my brain is too fried right now from the drugs I have to take to keep sane while reviewing this show to figure out what that could be. Oh, well, in any case, it’s time for gender role reversal, which should be a good thing…

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Except Rachel’s all shy and shit to ask Ryan out despite the fact they’ve already dated at least once. She’s all, “But I’m a girl being caricatured as if I live in the 1950s and I have no power in the relationship and must await the boys to always ask me out!” Maria’s all, “Fuck that shit!” and instantly runs over to push herself on a guy.

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Meanwhile, Screech is depressed that, for once, Mr. Belding seems to be acting stupider than him. He thinks “Sandy Hopkins” is having a dance in the gym because he apparently doesn’t hear about anything going on in the school during this episode unless he reads it after it’s been approved. Screech tells Mr. Belding that he’s finally going blind with old age and needs to get his vision checked, which Mr. Belding rejects out of hand as he goes in the girls’ restroom hoping to perv on some underage hotties.

Tell me they are not seriously going to force the lame “Jessie needs glasses” subplot from the original series onto Mr. Belding…

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The boys conspire about who they want to ask them. Nicky really wants Katie to ask him to the dance because he suddenly has a thing for her that came out of nowhere. Ryan reminds Nicky that there are plenty of background characters whom Katie could ask to the dance, so he goes off to find a way to be a pushy asshole, New Yorker style.

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Eric wants Jennifer here to ask him to the dance, but she doesn’t even know his name, which can only mean wacky hijinks will ensue!

In class, Maria forces Rachel to go and ask Ryan to the dance. He says yes, which means that this subplot is over amazingly fast, right?

Unfortunately no.

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See, Screech needs a photograph for the school newspaper in an article about the dance since he’s apparently still writing for it as a staff member and, when he finds out Ryan and Rachel are going together, tries to take a picture of the couple, but Screech’s utter incompetence and inability to work basic machinery give him trouble trying to frame both of them.

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Nicky starts acting like a pushy little jack ass trying to get Katie to ask him. When she tells him that she’s a liberated woman of the nineties and will make up her mind herself, he decides that the best way to get her to ask him is to pretend someone else wants to ask him because nothing can possibly go wrong with that idea!

Oh, and Jennifer still doesn’t want anything to do with Eric. This depresses him and Maria tell him girls are having trouble as well since they’re repressed 1950s housewives like Rachel. Eric says he would pay for advice on how to get Jennifer to ask him out and, since four simultaneous subplots isn’t enough for this show, Maria decides to start a fifth subplot by running a matchmaker service.

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At The Max, Maria starts her matchmaking service: for $10, she’ll guarantee anyone a date to the Sadie Hawkins dance. Fuzzy, who will be a recurring nerd this season, decides to take advantage of her services so she tells him to fill out a personality profile, and Fuzzy practically wets himself at the prospect of the touch of a woman.

Nicky tells Katie that another girl wants to ask him and Katie tells him he should go with her instead then. Nicky looks on, shocked that something went wrong with his foolproof plan.

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Mr. Belding still has trouble reading and mistakes “Chicken Noodle Soup” for “Chinese Poodle Soup” because now the writers just aren’t even trying with this subplot and I wish they’d get it over with as quickly as possible. Screech finally convinces Mr. Belding to go and get his eyes checked.

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Also, Screech’s incompetence at knowing that moving back can do wonders for photographic framing means that Rachel’s head got cut off in the paper. Naturally, since this is Bayside, the only place in the world where height differences really matter, random background characters make fun of them, calling them the Jolly Green Giant and the Keebler Elf.

People, people, why can’t we just make fun of the person who really deserves to be made fun of in this situation: Screech, for sucking at life!

Of course, this makes Ryan and Rachel instantly insecure about their height difference. Normally, I’d point out how contrived this is just for the purposes of this episode since neither Ryan nor Rachel have ever commented on their own or the other’s height so it’s not an established character insecurity like with Jessie. However, I’ll give them a break in this case because, if my school were full of little assholes making fun of my height, I might be a bit insecure, too.

After a break, Ryan and Rachel establish they’re okay with their height difference, even though they’re obviously not.

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Katie gives Maria a personality profile and makes sure to put in it the person she doesn’t want to go to the dance with is from New York, because, since that’s still Nicky’s only character trait, Maria might not be able to figure it out otherwise. Wait, Katie was annoyed by Nicky’s persistent nagging to get her to ask him to the dance? I guess I was supposed to be able to figure that out in the previous scenes, but Lindsay McKeon’s bad acting lead me to believe she put about as much feeling into Nicky’s actions as she would put into cooking a baked potato.

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Mr. Belding does need glasses, which makes him a sad panda. Screech tells him not to worry because he’s going to help him look cool and hip, which means he’ll succeed in making Mr. Belding look like a moron.

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Case in point, the Elton John glasses Screech gives Mr. Belding to try on. Fortunately, Mr. Belding’s optometrist is the most generous soul on Earth and gave him a whole box of glasses to try on. He does find a pair that he likes and decides wearing glasses might not be so bad after all.

Ryan comes to see Screech and he apologizes to Ryan for any embarrassment his incompetence may have caused. Ryan says he wishes he was a few inches taller so that his height wouldn’t embarrass Rachel, and Screech says he might be able to help Ryan out with that the same way he helped Ryan with his sucky ass picture.

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Yes, on their date at the movies, Ryan’s in platform shoes with a Vanilla Ice haircut, because that will solve all his problems. Screech is there to “help” (in the loosest sense of the word) and rigs a chair to make Rachel fall down and look short.

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A really tall guy randomly sits in front of Ryan like a little asshole…

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So Screech does the sensible thing and dumps popcorn on him. How does Rachel not notice Screech is there doing random shit? Does she need glasses as well? Well, in any case, the moral of the story is don’t let Screech do anything for you. At all.

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At The Max, Nicky’s turned down three girls Maria tried to set him up with because he really wants to go with Katie. This is becoming stalker-esque at this point. Maria says he’s even pickier than Katie, revealing Katie doesn’t have a date. Nicky realizes he really fucked up and goes off to drown his tears with some hookers and blow.

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Maria tells Eric that Jennifer really likes coin collecting so he pretends to be interested in coins right in front of her. This instantly gets Jennifer’s lady boner going and she notices Eric’s existence for the first time.

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And Ryan and Rachel break off their date to the Sadie Hawkins dance because height suddenly matters to both of them so much. After all, we’ve got to keep this stupid plot going another eight minutes!

Back at Bayside, Katie says that Mr. Belding’s glasses look like her grandfather’s, instantly making him take them off and hope that his subplot will be over soon, but not before Screech wants him to fill out a refreshments order for the dance!

Maria tells Rachel it’s stupid she and Ryan aren’t going to the dance over height but Rachel says it’s important to keep the plot going so the five people watching at this point think something may actually happen.

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Eric has a bag of coins from his piggy bank he wants to go through with Jennifer. This makes her wet and excited and they decide to meet during lunch and look through them for rare coins, because I know rare, valuable coins show up all the time in my pocket change! Jennifer asks Eric to the dance, which he gratefully accepts. So…all this money…does that make Jennifer like a prostitute at this point?

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Ryan’s depressed, meanwhile, and Maria decides to try and cheer him up by having him fill out a personality profile. She convinces him to trust her because she’s not Screech and he sees the logic in her argument.

At The Max, she convinces Rachel to fill out a profile as well and tells her to just be at the dance. I sense an actually sensible plan in the making!

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Fuzzy comes in upset because Maria hasn’t found a date for him. She tells him that everyone else has been matched up and there just isn’t anyone left for him. Maria’s date picks that moment to come tell her he’s sick and has to back out of their date, which leaves Maria dating Fuzzy since Maria hasn’t had near enough conflict in this episode thus far.

Nicky apologizes to Katie for being a manipulative asswipe and tells her he doesn’t really have a date to the dance. If she really thought he was going with someone else, why did she try so hard to get Maria not to match her up with Nicky? I’m confused! In any case, Katie says that, since Nicky’s really sorry and not just pulling a Zack Morris to get on her good side, she’ll go to the dance with him.

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At the dance, Eric’s bored to tears because Jennifer doesn’t want to dance and, instead, wants to sit around and talk about coins.

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While Maria has a really good time with Fuzzy because she finds out nerds can dance. Are we seriously going for the shallowest possible “looks don’t matter” moral for this episode?

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I guess so because Mr. Belding finds out he accidentally ordered too much guacamole and too few chips for the dance and tells Screech he feels stupid with glasses. Screech convinces Mr. Belding he’s the same guy, with or without glasses, and Mr. Belding feels so emasculated by being corrected by Screech he vows to wear his glasses from now on. I’ll put Mr. Belding wearing glasses in the “firsts,” but why do I have the sneaking suspicion this is the last time we’ll ever see his glasses>

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Maria reveals that she’s setting Ryan and Rachel up with each other because they’re both being stupid, petty human beings for the sake of the plot. She reveals that they both said look don’t matter (ha! yeah right!) and they decide that this entire plot has been stupid anyway. And our episode ends with Ryan and Rachel dancing and vowing to forget they ever cared about their height.

Firsts: Fuzzy, Nicky likes Katie, Mr. Belding wears glasses.

Saved by the Bell Season 4, Episode 22: “Best Summer of My Life”

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We open in Zack Morris’s room, where he’s apparently playing guitar with a tennis racket. He tells us that his mom felt like he exhausted himself working so much over the summer so she insisted he take a day off from school because apparently he came back and went directly to school from Palm Desert.

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The rest of the episode is basically Zack Morris remembering how awesome the Malibu Sands and Palm Desert episodes were, and that’s really about it. Screech, Slater, and Lisa are each sent by Mr. Belding to see how Zack Morris is and each one remembers more stuff about the summer arc. It’s going to be a short review, maybe the shortest I’ve done to date, and, for that, I apologize, but what more can I do? If you want to remember whether the Malibu Sands and Palm Desert episodes were awesome or not, I recommend you go back to season three and watch them (or read my reviews) and don’t watch this stupid excuse for an episode that has about as much thought behind it as Kirk Cameron’s insane ramblings about creationism.

This may be the strangest clip episode to date as it focuses on these specific episodes and doesn’t even recap them very well. There’s no mention about the conflict surrounding Zack Morris and Stacey getting together, nothing about the gang’s conflict with Mr. Carosi, and, strange enough, nothing about Jessie’s father’s wedding. They even falsely imply Zack Morris and Kelly got back together and didn’t just have a subplot filling fling to give everyone’s hopes up. The ending isn’t even original; it’s just the same ending scene from the Malibu Sands episodes of the gang walking arm in arm along the beach after Stacey leaves! No original footage! Also, no Hawaii, but we’ll talk more about that later. I’m not even sure what the purpose of this episode is. Were they releasing the summer episodes on VHS and they needed an excuse to promote them and remind people how amazingly terrific they were? My god, if they loved the Malibu Sands episodes so much, why didn’t they just marry them?

In any case, I will make one remark about continuity. This episode is supposed to take place on the first day of school. Of course, this is horse shit since “The Fight” took place on the first day of school. I’m just going to assume that this episode is a hallucination on the part of Zack Morris the night before the first day of school and that the producers weren’t dumb enough to have made this episode just to pad the season out to twenty-six episodes.

And our episode ends with your reviewer having sat through a half-hour cheer leading episode on how awesome everyone’s summer was but his own as he goes to get a beer and drown his sorrow.

If you were disappointed by a short review this week, I promise you that I more than make up for it next week…

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The New Class Season 4, Episode 4: “Baby Care”

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We’re back at Bayside this week where Eric convinces Ryan to just fucking ask out Rachel already since you know the writers are going to keep pushing the possibility of another forced romance until he does. Instead, Ryan asks Rachel to be his partner for the health project. Now, this may look like Ryan’s chickening out, and Eric thinks he is, but what you don’t realize is that Ryan thinks the health project involves an oral examination of his penis.

In exciting subplot land, Nicky passes out fliers for a New York Coffee House Night he’s holding at The Max. First, yay for Nicky’s one character trait coming out this early in the episode! Two, it seems Nicky’s fitting in with the cast just fine since The Max is already just letting him do whatever the fuck he wants on their premises. Also, Maria wants to sing at the coffee house and Katie thinks she sucks ass.

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Mr. Belding and Screech come in with the gang’s health class project…because they’re now health teachers for some reason. Our project this year won’t involve the gang taking care of Little Zack again since he’s got rapid actor aging disease, but will instead mean the gang take care of baby simulation dolls for the week. I don’t know how many of you had these in your schools, but they’re pretty lightweight methods for showing you what it’s like to take care of a real baby. Plus, if you were seen with one in my school, you were made fun of mercilessly.

There’s a catch, though, because the gang actually have to use fake money to buy stuff for their babies. They only get 50 Baby Bucks per pair, though, which means that all the women must be stay at home moms while the men are waiters at Waffle House. Seriously, this isn’t realistic. Even a minimum wage job would give you more than $50 in a week, even factoring in your own needs. Hopefully the exchange rate from Baby Bucks to dollars is freaking amazing!

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Since we’re not progressive enough to have same-sex couples on The New Class, Maria pairs up with Nicky. They immediately don’t take anything about this project seriously and decide they have more important things to do, like plan the coffee house and masturbate. When their baby starts crying, Maria even throws it in her locker. Mr. Belding hears, though, and tells her to treat her baby with some decent fucking respect.

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Ryan and Rachel decide to name their baby Tori after their favorite former Bayside student who no one remembers. You know, Violet’s actress! Who else did you think I was talking about? You didn’t think they were going to connect Zack Morris’s Tori back into the Saved by the Bell universe, did you? That’s just crazy talk right there!

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Eric and Katie team up and Katie thinks she has it made since Eric’s inherited Kelly’s many, many siblings.

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At The Max, Nicky auditions acts for his coffee house night. Aren’t coffee houses usually open mics where you don’t audition or is there something special about a “New York” version of the night? In any case, all the acts seem to suck, including this one where a nerd hits glasses of water with a mallet.

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His act doesn’t suck as much as Screech’s poetry, though.

I hear a bell,
I hear a ding,
Together they sing,
A-Belding!
A-Belding!
My chief!
My king!
A-Belding but a ding doesn’t bell!

I never thought I would see a poem on this show make Brian’s love poem to Rachel and Zack Morris’s school song both sound amazing by comparison. I’m beginning to believe that Screech has unhealthy feelings for Mr. Belding and that he should get the hell off this show as quickly as possible. Luckily, Nicky doesn’t think Screech is good, even if he is new to this show, and lets Screech off with a speech almost identical to what you would tell your five year old who just drew a picture for you.

Meanwhile, Eric’s a bit possessive of the baby and doesn’t want to leave it with Katie while he goes to football practice. Maria brings their baby, which won’t stop crying, to dump it on Nicky. They squabble over who has to take the baby when Screech says that, for a small fee, he can babysit the child. They gladly give the baby to Screech, the last time I ever hope to have to type those words.

This does raise the question: some of the background characters have baby simulators. Why aren’t their dolls ever crying? Why is it only the gang’s? I know the answer is laziness on the part of the writers but still…

 

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In any case, Screech starts reciting his poetry again to the doll, and even inanimate objects think he sucks ass.

Ryan and Rachel admire their baby’s new dress, which means it’s definitely not Tori Scott. Ryan tries to ask out Rachel again but the baby starts crying before he can, foiling his plans of touching Rachel’s woman bits for a bit longer!

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Back at Bayside, Nicky and Maria come to ask Screech to watch their baby a bit longer, but find out that Screech is charging 30 Baby Bucks. They pay Screech his exorbitant fee and take their stupid baby back.

Ryan and Rachel bring their baby in to see about babysitting so they can go see a movie but find out they can’t afford the fee since the writers suddenly remembered that Rachel likes fashion and bought her baby a new dress. Ryan tells Rachel to go get her stuff and he’ll see if he can get the baby to stop crying.

Pervis, the president of the computer club, comes in and Screech asks him to look at a baby that won’t stop burping and see if he can make adjustments to it. You know, Screech was once supposed to have fulfilled this trope on the original series; why does he need someone else to do this for him?

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Why, to advance the plot of course! After giving a look like he just pooped his pants, Screech asks Ryan and Pervis to watch the babies while he goes on a “diaper run,” which I assume is code for “change my Depends.” Once Screech is out of the room, Ryan bets Pervis he can’t reprogram Ryan’s baby to not cry. Given that Pervis has no investment in any of the events of this week since this is his only scene, he gladly accepts Ryan’s challenge.

After a commercial break, Rachel can’t believe how well their baby behaved at the movies. Ryan asks Rachel to the coffee house with the comfort that they have the good baby, unlike Nicky and Maria’s sucky ass baby who won’t stop crying at all.  They argue and argue over who’s going to take care of the baby while Ryan and Rachel gloat over how good their baby is.

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Eric and Katie bring their baby to Mr. Belding with a blinking red light on its head, apparently signifying the baby has a fever. Unfortunately for this baby, the pediatrician for the school project is Screech, who fixes the light by flicking a switch on the back of the doll anyone should have been able to turn and charges them an exorbitant amount of Baby Bucks since he doesn’t take Medicare.  Eric blames the whole thing on Katie since she must suck ass as a mother.

Nicky and Maria bring their baby to Mr. Belding and beg for an alternative assignment since they have a big night ahead at the coffee house. You know, it is kind of unfair that Mr. Belding just sprang this n them with no prior warning. Had Nicky known ahead of time, he could have scheduled his coffee house for the following week. But this is no time for logic and fairness when there’s a plot to advance! Mr. Belding refuses refuses, but Maria comes up with an idea to get a quiet baby like Ryan and Rachel’s…

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In Ryan and Nicky’s bedroom, Nicky distracts Ryan and Eric with talk of cookies. Once they’re out of the room, he throws Ryan’s baby out the window and down to Maria and switches their doll instead. It’s like the Charles Lindbergh baby all over again!

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At the coffee house, a girl dances like someone dumped fire ants down her dress. How exciting.

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Since Nicky and Maria now have the reprogrammed baby, Maria’s able to perform a song. She seems to play the guitar very well, too, since it’s a magic guitar that doesn’t require her to move her hand to change chords or actually strum in a discernible rhythm.

And what a song it is, too. In the tradition of bad songwriters everywhere, it’s full of cheesy metaphor and defining terms already established within the song.

We are all alone now,
No one else around,
The beating of your tender heart,
Makes the only sound.
Whisper to me softly,
The words I long to hear,
Everything is quiet now.
You are finally here.

During Maria’s sucky ass song, Ryan and Rachel’s baby starts crying. Ryan’s immediately suspicious but his suspicions are confirmed when Rachel finds an ugly diaper on the baby, whatever that’s supposed to mean.

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Nicky comes up to demand Rachel and Ryan keep their baby quiet. Ryan confronts Nicky and tells him he knows Nicky switched the babies since he had theirs reprogrammed. This pisses Rachel off for some reasons, despite the fact this was actually pretty smart thinking on Ryan’s part and impacts her negatively in no way.

Also, since they have a reason to be pissed at each other, Katie gets fed up with Eric when he springs a list of reasonable demands regarding the care of the baby on her.

All this fighting makes the random adult patrons who came to see the show realize they came to the wrong New York Coffee House Night at a place once known for launching “The Sprain” to fame, and they leave as the gang all want to kill each other as Screech tries to intervene since he’s the one everyone most wants to see die if one of the gang goes homicidal.

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In Mr. Belding’s office, Mr. Belding lectures the gang for not taking his whim seriously and tells them that this project is very important for the duration of this episode. Rachel and Katie want their own babies but Mr. Belding tells them that they have to figure out a way to get along for the sake of their fake babies and that if they don’t turn around their projects in the next few days, they’ll fail.

The gang vow to put their differences aside so they can pass the projects. This naturally leads to…

A MONTAGE! IT’S A CRAPPY MID-NINETIES MONTAGE, COMPLETE WITH SOOTHING LULLABY MUSIC!

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And in this montage, Ryan randomly has lots of baby models in his now fashionably outdated denim jacket, because it’s a montage and Ryan’s a great father now! And Eric’s a great father who drops his baby off with Katie following football practice and not before because they needed a replacement football to play with this week and Eric’s trying to be a suckier father because it’s a MONTAGE! A crappy mid-nineties montage! And Nicky and Maria put on a diaper with chewing gum because they’re good parents now and it’s a montage!

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And Ryan and Nicky get up in the middle of the night to take care of their babies because it’s a montage! A crappy mid-nineties montage!

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Following our exciting montage, we see that the gang’s exhausted from that fast-paced action they just experienced. Two things: shouldn’t only three of them be tired since the other three should have gotten a good night’s rest? And why aren’t all the extras tired? Does that mean they’re still horrible parents who fail since they weren’t part of the montage?

In any case, Mr. Belding tells them he’s impressed with how well they turned around their projects and, since the episode’s nearly over, they all pass. He tells them to pass up their babies to Screech…

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…who has a doll of…the hell if I know? John Travolta with Dina Ross’s hair? The hell if I know. It’s a strangely placed gag that makes no sense, but let’s run with it since the episode’s nearly over. Mr. Belding dismisses the students early to go take a nap since his him physically exhausted them and he wants to continue to abuse his power.

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And our episode ends with Rachel admitting Ryan was a pretty good father and Ryan finally asking Rachel out, who says yes because she’s given up hope of ever finding her fake-Swiss boyfriend again.

So…does this mean they’re dating now? The hell if I know. A lot of things happened in this episode without much plot happening at all so I’m still trying to figure out if any of it was actually important.

Firsts: Ryan and Rachel possibly dating?