We’re back at Bayside this week where Eric convinces Ryan to just fucking ask out Rachel already since you know the writers are going to keep pushing the possibility of another forced romance until he does. Instead, Ryan asks Rachel to be his partner for the health project. Now, this may look like Ryan’s chickening out, and Eric thinks he is, but what you don’t realize is that Ryan thinks the health project involves an oral examination of his penis.
In exciting subplot land, Nicky passes out fliers for a New York Coffee House Night he’s holding at The Max. First, yay for Nicky’s one character trait coming out this early in the episode! Two, it seems Nicky’s fitting in with the cast just fine since The Max is already just letting him do whatever the fuck he wants on their premises. Also, Maria wants to sing at the coffee house and Katie thinks she sucks ass.
Mr. Belding and Screech come in with the gang’s health class project…because they’re now health teachers for some reason. Our project this year won’t involve the gang taking care of Little Zack again since he’s got rapid actor aging disease, but will instead mean the gang take care of baby simulation dolls for the week. I don’t know how many of you had these in your schools, but they’re pretty lightweight methods for showing you what it’s like to take care of a real baby. Plus, if you were seen with one in my school, you were made fun of mercilessly.
There’s a catch, though, because the gang actually have to use fake money to buy stuff for their babies. They only get 50 Baby Bucks per pair, though, which means that all the women must be stay at home moms while the men are waiters at Waffle House. Seriously, this isn’t realistic. Even a minimum wage job would give you more than $50 in a week, even factoring in your own needs. Hopefully the exchange rate from Baby Bucks to dollars is freaking amazing!
Since we’re not progressive enough to have same-sex couples on The New Class, Maria pairs up with Nicky. They immediately don’t take anything about this project seriously and decide they have more important things to do, like plan the coffee house and masturbate. When their baby starts crying, Maria even throws it in her locker. Mr. Belding hears, though, and tells her to treat her baby with some decent fucking respect.
Ryan and Rachel decide to name their baby Tori after their favorite former Bayside student who no one remembers. You know, Violet’s actress! Who else did you think I was talking about? You didn’t think they were going to connect Zack Morris’s Tori back into the Saved by the Bell universe, did you? That’s just crazy talk right there!
Eric and Katie team up and Katie thinks she has it made since Eric’s inherited Kelly’s many, many siblings.
At The Max, Nicky auditions acts for his coffee house night. Aren’t coffee houses usually open mics where you don’t audition or is there something special about a “New York” version of the night? In any case, all the acts seem to suck, including this one where a nerd hits glasses of water with a mallet.
His act doesn’t suck as much as Screech’s poetry, though.
I hear a bell,
I hear a ding,
Together they sing,
A-Belding but a ding doesn’t bell!
I never thought I would see a poem on this show make Brian’s love poem to Rachel and Zack Morris’s school song both sound amazing by comparison. I’m beginning to believe that Screech has unhealthy feelings for Mr. Belding and that he should get the hell off this show as quickly as possible. Luckily, Nicky doesn’t think Screech is good, even if he is new to this show, and lets Screech off with a speech almost identical to what you would tell your five year old who just drew a picture for you.
Meanwhile, Eric’s a bit possessive of the baby and doesn’t want to leave it with Katie while he goes to football practice. Maria brings their baby, which won’t stop crying, to dump it on Nicky. They squabble over who has to take the baby when Screech says that, for a small fee, he can babysit the child. They gladly give the baby to Screech, the last time I ever hope to have to type those words.
This does raise the question: some of the background characters have baby simulators. Why aren’t their dolls ever crying? Why is it only the gang’s? I know the answer is laziness on the part of the writers but still…
In any case, Screech starts reciting his poetry again to the doll, and even inanimate objects think he sucks ass.
Ryan and Rachel admire their baby’s new dress, which means it’s definitely not Tori Scott. Ryan tries to ask out Rachel again but the baby starts crying before he can, foiling his plans of touching Rachel’s woman bits for a bit longer!
Back at Bayside, Nicky and Maria come to ask Screech to watch their baby a bit longer, but find out that Screech is charging 30 Baby Bucks. They pay Screech his exorbitant fee and take their stupid baby back.
Ryan and Rachel bring their baby in to see about babysitting so they can go see a movie but find out they can’t afford the fee since the writers suddenly remembered that Rachel likes fashion and bought her baby a new dress. Ryan tells Rachel to go get her stuff and he’ll see if he can get the baby to stop crying.
Pervis, the president of the computer club, comes in and Screech asks him to look at a baby that won’t stop burping and see if he can make adjustments to it. You know, Screech was once supposed to have fulfilled this trope on the original series; why does he need someone else to do this for him?
Why, to advance the plot of course! After giving a look like he just pooped his pants, Screech asks Ryan and Pervis to watch the babies while he goes on a “diaper run,” which I assume is code for “change my Depends.” Once Screech is out of the room, Ryan bets Pervis he can’t reprogram Ryan’s baby to not cry. Given that Pervis has no investment in any of the events of this week since this is his only scene, he gladly accepts Ryan’s challenge.
After a commercial break, Rachel can’t believe how well their baby behaved at the movies. Ryan asks Rachel to the coffee house with the comfort that they have the good baby, unlike Nicky and Maria’s sucky ass baby who won’t stop crying at all. They argue and argue over who’s going to take care of the baby while Ryan and Rachel gloat over how good their baby is.
Eric and Katie bring their baby to Mr. Belding with a blinking red light on its head, apparently signifying the baby has a fever. Unfortunately for this baby, the pediatrician for the school project is Screech, who fixes the light by flicking a switch on the back of the doll anyone should have been able to turn and charges them an exorbitant amount of Baby Bucks since he doesn’t take Medicare. Eric blames the whole thing on Katie since she must suck ass as a mother.
Nicky and Maria bring their baby to Mr. Belding and beg for an alternative assignment since they have a big night ahead at the coffee house. You know, it is kind of unfair that Mr. Belding just sprang this n them with no prior warning. Had Nicky known ahead of time, he could have scheduled his coffee house for the following week. But this is no time for logic and fairness when there’s a plot to advance! Mr. Belding refuses refuses, but Maria comes up with an idea to get a quiet baby like Ryan and Rachel’s…
In Ryan and Nicky’s bedroom, Nicky distracts Ryan and Eric with talk of cookies. Once they’re out of the room, he throws Ryan’s baby out the window and down to Maria and switches their doll instead. It’s like the Charles Lindbergh baby all over again!
At the coffee house, a girl dances like someone dumped fire ants down her dress. How exciting.
Since Nicky and Maria now have the reprogrammed baby, Maria’s able to perform a song. She seems to play the guitar very well, too, since it’s a magic guitar that doesn’t require her to move her hand to change chords or actually strum in a discernible rhythm.
And what a song it is, too. In the tradition of bad songwriters everywhere, it’s full of cheesy metaphor and defining terms already established within the song.
We are all alone now,
No one else around,
The beating of your tender heart,
Makes the only sound.
Whisper to me softly,
The words I long to hear,
Everything is quiet now.
You are finally here.
During Maria’s sucky ass song, Ryan and Rachel’s baby starts crying. Ryan’s immediately suspicious but his suspicions are confirmed when Rachel finds an ugly diaper on the baby, whatever that’s supposed to mean.
Nicky comes up to demand Rachel and Ryan keep their baby quiet. Ryan confronts Nicky and tells him he knows Nicky switched the babies since he had theirs reprogrammed. This pisses Rachel off for some reasons, despite the fact this was actually pretty smart thinking on Ryan’s part and impacts her negatively in no way.
Also, since they have a reason to be pissed at each other, Katie gets fed up with Eric when he springs a list of reasonable demands regarding the care of the baby on her.
All this fighting makes the random adult patrons who came to see the show realize they came to the wrong New York Coffee House Night at a place once known for launching “The Sprain” to fame, and they leave as the gang all want to kill each other as Screech tries to intervene since he’s the one everyone most wants to see die if one of the gang goes homicidal.
In Mr. Belding’s office, Mr. Belding lectures the gang for not taking his whim seriously and tells them that this project is very important for the duration of this episode. Rachel and Katie want their own babies but Mr. Belding tells them that they have to figure out a way to get along for the sake of their fake babies and that if they don’t turn around their projects in the next few days, they’ll fail.
The gang vow to put their differences aside so they can pass the projects. This naturally leads to…
A MONTAGE! IT’S A CRAPPY MID-NINETIES MONTAGE, COMPLETE WITH SOOTHING LULLABY MUSIC!
And in this montage, Ryan randomly has lots of baby models in his now fashionably outdated denim jacket, because it’s a montage and Ryan’s a great father now! And Eric’s a great father who drops his baby off with Katie following football practice and not before because they needed a replacement football to play with this week and Eric’s trying to be a suckier father because it’s a MONTAGE! A crappy mid-nineties montage! And Nicky and Maria put on a diaper with chewing gum because they’re good parents now and it’s a montage!
And Ryan and Nicky get up in the middle of the night to take care of their babies because it’s a montage! A crappy mid-nineties montage!
Following our exciting montage, we see that the gang’s exhausted from that fast-paced action they just experienced. Two things: shouldn’t only three of them be tired since the other three should have gotten a good night’s rest? And why aren’t all the extras tired? Does that mean they’re still horrible parents who fail since they weren’t part of the montage?
In any case, Mr. Belding tells them he’s impressed with how well they turned around their projects and, since the episode’s nearly over, they all pass. He tells them to pass up their babies to Screech…
…who has a doll of…the hell if I know? John Travolta with Dina Ross’s hair? The hell if I know. It’s a strangely placed gag that makes no sense, but let’s run with it since the episode’s nearly over. Mr. Belding dismisses the students early to go take a nap since his him physically exhausted them and he wants to continue to abuse his power.
And our episode ends with Rachel admitting Ryan was a pretty good father and Ryan finally asking Rachel out, who says yes because she’s given up hope of ever finding her fake-Swiss boyfriend again.
So…does this mean they’re dating now? The hell if I know. A lot of things happened in this episode without much plot happening at all so I’m still trying to figure out if any of it was actually important.
Firsts: Ryan and Rachel possibly dating?