The New Class Season 4, Episode 7: “Student Court”

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We open in the hallway where Mr. Belding and Screech are wearing rain jackets because…there’s a rare rainy day in Los Angeles? No, that would make a whole lot more sense than what they’re actually doing. Instead, they’re dressed like this to announce the Rainy Day Indoor Sports Festival, because why the hell not. Why do they always just loudly announce shit in the middle of the hallway? Did the writers forget that, yes, schools have intercoms?

So apparently students are going to compete in indoor sports like Foosball and pool and shit, with the winner getting a trip to Catalina, because apparently Bayside has the money to send their students to Catalina for a weekend but not to buy fucking soccer uniforms. It’s nice to know their priorities are so in line with reality.

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Naturally, Ryan really wants to win the trip so he can hopefully bone Rachel and suggests that the gang team up to win it together…even though that wouldn’t make sense for a team of six to compete in this thing and Mr. Belding and Screech didn’t say a word about teams. The writers of this show must be due for their 9:00 am reality pill.

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Meanwhile, the writers also want us to believe that Eric, who’s become a football star as of last week, is being bullied by this guy, Bull, yet another person who’s obviously way too old to still be in high school but, hey, maybe we won’t notice because we’re just as clueless as the writers are. He’s only here because they needed an excuse for Eric to have a subplot this week. Yeah, when I was in high school, if you bullied anyone on the football team, the rest of the football team would have kicked your fucking ass. Just yet another bit of proof that the writers of The New Class have no idea what it’s like to be in high school.

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Screech returns sans raincoat to fulfill his other duty for the episode: that of hallway Nazi. He finds Eric has an overdue library book and, since Bayside now suddenly has a student court that its taken eight years to see, he issues Eric a summons to appear before the court because that’s obviously how overdue library books are handled and not just fucking charging his school account! My god, the stupid hurts.

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Maria has a crush on Scott Miller, a totally hot guy from her French class with a Dawson’s Creek haircut. She practically forces himself on her but, since the writers also don’t realize how teenage boys work, he doesn’t realize Maria exists and, instead, goes for that whore Natalie.

As Maria feels the burn of rejection, the bell rings, and, literally a second later, Screech appears and gives her a citation for student court, because it appears he’s still as big an idiot as last time he was a hallway monitor.

Also, Ryan’s still in the hallway and tries to give Screech a fake hall pass. Screech isn’t an idiot for once in his life because the plot demands it so he recognizes the forgery and gives Ryan a summons to student court. Interestingly enough, Ryan’s hall pass was supposed to be from Mr. Bennett, who you may remember, but probably don’t, as the chemistry teacher from way back in the original series’ season one episode, “Cream for a Day.” Geez, they’re really pulling out the old references this season. Where they hoping some of these actors might get excited by a mention and want to come guest star in an abomination of their character like Mr. Dewey?

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At student court which, in this universe, apparently has the ultimate authority to decide the fates of all students even beyond Mr. Belding’s authority and takes itself way too seriously, no mercy is shown for our three main characters. Eric gets give hours of library duty, Maria a day of detention, and Ryan gets a week of detention.

Ryan thinks it’s bull shit that they’re being punished but Mr. Belding says it’s better than if he punished them since he would bring out whips, slings, and chokers. They still don’t think it’s fair so Mr. Belding thinks it’s a good idea to take three people who don’t understand the importance of student court and have just actually expressed condescension towards it and place them in charge of said court. Yes, that’s right, Mr. Belding appoints Eric and Maria justices to the court and Ryan is made chief justice because Mr. Belding never learns his lesson on these things.

In the gym, the gang and other assorted background characters practice for the sports tournament. Ryan and Rachel are a team for doubles ping pong but are scared they won’t win against Scott and Natalie. Maria’s on darts, Eric on air hockey, Katie on poll, and Nicky on Foosball.

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Also, Bull continues bullying Eric because it was so believable the first time. Bull’s playing against Eric on air hockey and smashes a disk for no reason just to show how stupid he is.

The bell rings and Katie wishes she could stay behind and practice pool. Nicky suggests they can skip whatever they want since their teammates are on student court.

Speaking of which, in student court, Bull’s charged with chewing gum in class. Eric sentences him to scrape the gum off every desk in Bayside, which Screech says is harsh but Eric says will teach Bull a lesson about being in high school in his mid-twenties.

Scott’s charged with talking during study hall. Maria finds out he was talking to Natalie and sentences him to transfer to her study hall so she can keep an eye on him…

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…but not before giving him a seductive look she must have learned from Screech’s seduction of the pink ranger.

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A nerd brings Nicky and Katie in for cutting class and Nicky tells Ryan that Katie being good at pool is important for Ryan getting laid. Ryan sees the logic in this and sentences them to detention in the gym tomorrow during the same period. Of course, Screech doesn’t have any say over any of this crap because adults have no override authority over the student court in this universe. Also, Screech is a fucking moron, in case I don’t say it enough.

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In the hallway, Maria’s happy that Scott’s finally paying attention to her and her lady boner goes up. Ryan reminds her that, if Scott and Natalie beat Rachel and him at ping pong, they might go to Catalina alone. Maria sees Natalie walking in the hall and starts a rumor that Scott blames her completely for what happened in study hall, pissing her the fuck out all the way to a cut to The Max where she tells Scott she never wants to see him again. Maria cuts in to comfort Scott and hopefully get herself laid as well, causing the audience to lose their fucking mind.

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Meanwhile, Bull finishes scraping gum off the bottoms of the tables at The Max. Wait…his punishment was to scrape gum off the bottom of the desks at Bayside. Is this official confirmation that The Max is owned by Bayside? Well, no wonder Bayside is always so short on money if they’re always losing money because of the gang’s shennanigans here. In any case, Bull gets pissed off when Eric wants him to return each piece of gum to its original owner so Eric sentences him to miss the sports festival.

The gang’s delighted to hear that they’re going to be able to cheat their way into a trip to Catalina so Rachel gets Ryan to let her skip fifth period and go buy a bathing suit so he can oogle her breasts. Katie wants a new bathing suit too but she can’t afford one, which makes Nicky sad because he wants something to look at.

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That’s when these two guys come in and start talking sexist smack about Katie being a girl and girls not being able to shoot pool and shit. Nicky challenges them to play Katie now for five dollars a ball and, though Katie’s initially hesitant to play for money at school, Nicky’s boner reminds Katie that it’s an easy way for her to get the money for a bathing suit.

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Naturally, Katie completely pulverizes Goofus and Gallant and, as the idiot duo pay up, Screech comes in. Screech took his idiot pill today, though, and thinks the two were paying Katie for pool lessons, allowing them the time to get away.

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Unfortunately for them, Mr. Belding’s not as big an idiot as his assistant and, when he comes in, he quickly realizes what’s going on after Screech almost kills him with the cue ball. Mr. Belding takes them to Ryan, Maria, and Eric and tells them that Nicky and Katie will appear before the student court tomorrow for their offense. The usual punishment is one month suspension from all student activities, meaning they would miss the sports tournament. Since Mr. Belding doesn’t seem to have the authority any longer to punish students, he must depend on our three justices more corrupt than Clarence Thomas to dole out a fair punishment.

At The Max, Nicky tries to convince Ryan to give Katie and him a lighter sentence so they can still compete but Ryan suddenly has a change of heart and wonders if he should give them an appropriate sentence because nothing else in this episode makes sense at all so why start sixteen minutes in? Seriously, unlike “Student Teacher Week” or even last season’s “The Principal’s Principles,” there’s absolutely no reason for Ryan to be having a change of heart over his previous corrupt dealings so, really, why should he start now? The fuck if I know but this is what we’re going with.

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After Nicky leaves, Ryan has a dream sequence about what will happen if he lets Nicky and Katie off the hook. Naturally, he has sexy time in Catalina with Rachel.

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However, Nicky ends up in jail guarded by Screech because he never learned that the rules applied to him. Something tells me that lack of food isn’t the worst punishment doled out in this prison. Also, seriously, this one incident led him to a life of crime? Maybe the writers think it’s because he’s from New York.

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Ryan goes to see Mr. Belding for advice and tells him he’s hesitant to punish Nicky and Katie because he wants sexy time but Mr. Belding tells him that, if he breaks a rule for one person, it’s not fair to everyone else and he’s supposed to make a fair decision no matter what other people think despite the fact it was made pretty clear he was never going to be very fair in this job to begin with. Ryan sits in contemplation as the camera focuses on his forced dilemma.

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At court, Maria and Eric give Nicky and Katie a light sentence. Ryan overrules them, though, leading them to be briefly upset with him. He marches out saying he’s got to be fair to everyone since Bayside apparently doesn’t allow justice to recluse themselves when they have conflict of interest, like one of the justices being related to one of the defendants.

In the hallway, everyone agrees with Ryan because we’re running short on time, and Eric and Maria rush off to make the corrupt things they did against Bull, Scott, and Natalie right, because we apparently still give a damn about those three characters who really served no purpose whatsoever in this episode.

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Rachel, dressed in whatever the hell this is supposed to be, thinks it’s sexy Ryan was able to make such a tough decision and Ryan says that’s a good thing because our episode closes with Ryan saying that, since Rachel skipped class, he has to sentence her to a week of detention to be served naked in his bedroom before Nicky gets home from school.

God I hate this show.

4 responses to “The New Class Season 4, Episode 7: “Student Court”

  1. ILovedKellyKapowski

    I guess Bayside also has no constitution to forbid cruel and unusual punishment, like scraping gum off every desk at school and The Max. Then putting all the gum back. It’s also allowed for Justice Eric to dole out additional punishment afterwards, AND outside of court.

    The only thing I learned from this episode is that it’s nice to have low friends in high places. (Nicky was the first to grasp this concept, probably because he’s from NEW YORK.)

  2. SBTB usually tends towards the pro-scheming / morals-are-for-nerds side of things, so it always feels kind of weird when they try to shoehorn a lesson in. We know good and well Ryan will be back to his scheming ways next episode.

  3. The more and more I see her this season, the more and more I like Maria Lopez.

    This season she grew on me. Out of all the SBTB girls, Maria and Katie are always on the top of my list. And yes that includes Kelly.

    I think Maria was what SBTB wanted Tori to be. A tough but still very feminine teen. I guess there was a reason why she lasted the longest on this show.

  4. ” since the writers also don’t realize how teenage boys work, he doesn’t realize Maria exists and, instead, goes for that whore Natalie.”

    That totally happened to me…I looked like Meg Griffin and was just as popular. (Even tried out for cheerleading and ended up in colorguard!)

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