We open in the hallway where Ryan and Rachel are now engaged in the stage of their relationship where they are vomit inducingly lovey dovey with each other. Eric’s already sick of this crap and tells them to cut it the fuck out before he throws up, especially since Ryan does this for all the girls he’s attracted to.
In the spirit of yelling random announcements in the hallway rather than using the intercom, Mr. Belding and Screech announce the upcoming Renaissance Faire. While Screech does a bunch of idiotic shit that I’m sure the producers of this show thought would be funny but even the students of Bayside don’t find funny, Mr. Belding says anyone interested in running it should skip class next period and go to his office. Has this school never heard of after school activities?
Nicky says he’d look stupid wearing tights but Maria think they’re hot. Wait…since when is Maria into talking about how hot Nicky is, especially with Katie right there? That’s…uncomfortable…
At the meeting, Maria signs Katie and her up for a puppet show. She apparently forgot to include Katie in on this idea as she’s unsure she’ll actually like a puppet show. Maria says to trust her and Katie says that the last time she trusted Maria, she lost her boyfriend.
Wait…SAY WHAT? Nicky…is dating Maria now? Well, that just came the fuck out of nowhere. As I see it, there are two possible explanations for this: either he started dating Maria off-screen or the episodes are horribly out of order again. Either possibility is equally likely on this show so I reserve judgment until I’ve seen more episodes. In any case…wow, how awkward.
Rachel wants to decorate the gym with random shit from the Renaissance period but Mr. Belding says that, with all the random shit Bayside spends its money on, there’s no money left in the budget for decorations so they’ll need to fund raise. Tim, the guy to Rachel’s right in the screenshot, suggests they ask local business owners to sponsor the faire because if there’s anything businesses love spending their money on, it’s random nonsensical shit like Renaissance faires. Mr. Belding thinks it’s a great idea, though, and says he’ll call some of his friends at the Palisades Chamber of Commerce about sponsoring the event. Furthermore, since Tim and Rachel were the first two people to not speak about puppet shows, Mr. Belding suggests they be made chairs of the committee. Everyone agrees since they don’t want to do that shit themselves except for Ryan because he’s, of course, being set up for a jealousy plot.
At The Max, Maria decides that she and Katie should do a Punch and Judy show, which Katie doesn’t even know what it is since she’s not all sophisticated and shit like Maria. Maria just tells her to get with the program, let Maria hit her puppet, and memorize a bunch of lines she prepared for Katie without consulting her. Maria’s just determined to control Katie’s entire life.
Meanwhile, Nicky and Eric dress as musketeers so they can sing random plot points throughout the episode. Yeah, from here out that’s pretty much all they do so look forward to really bad singing from our idiotic duo here.
Ryan volunteers to work on trash collection since he wants to impress Rachel and show her he can do shit too. He also wants to go on a date with Rachel but she has to work on the faire with Tim tonight. Even though Rachel’s shown no inclination towards Tim, Ryan’s instantly jealous they’re going to be alone in Rachel’s room since he still remembers what happened last time one of his girlfriends worked with a hot guy.
At Rachel’s house, Rachel and Tim rehearse Romeo and Juliet, because I know when I think of Renaissance faires, I think of Shakespeare. Much like high school, I’m beginning to suspect the writers don’t know what a Renaissance faire actually is.
Ryan barges into the rehearsing to ask questions about trash cans, which leads Rachel to say she thinks he may be jealous. He’s all, “Of course I’m not jealous! I just like talking about trash!” Ryan admits that he doesn’t like his property spending time with another man and Rachel says he just has to trust that she’s not going to randomly fall for other men like Lindsay. As she goes back in her room, Ryan mutters that it’s Tim he doesn’t trust, which seems like it’s pretty much the same thing but whatever.
Back at Bayside, Katie doesn’t like the Punch and Judy script because Punch is so violent towards Judy, hence the fact it’s a Punch and Judy show. Katie asks why Punch can’t be a nice guy and Maria’s all, “Because you’re an idiot.” And, in case you didn’t catch that scene, Nicky and Eric are on hand to sing it for you.
Rachel’s still cancelling shit with Ryan, making him further jealous and making him decide it’s time to go into Asshole Ryan mode.
Meanwhile, Mr. Belding’s decided to wear a suit of armor, which has nothing to do with the rest of the episode but they decided that Mr. Belding and Screech needed something to do.
Despite the fact that we clearly saw Screech easily put the armor on, Mr. Belding is now stuck in the armor because we needed a contrived joke just before the meeting with the business owners.
And the subplot involving the stupid puppets heats up as Katie talks to Maria through Judy, telling Maria she’s a mean and bossy bitch.
Ryan locks Tim in the janitor’s closet just before the presentation because that’s a great way to win Rachel over if she was cheating on him. He has Nicky and Eric stand in front of the closet and sing and play non-conspicuously about how there’s no one locked in the janitor’s closet. Ryan writes the scene from Romeo and Juliet on his palm so he can take Tim’s place in the presentation.
Jesus this is stupid.
The sponsors have gathered and Mr. Belding and Tim are both missing.
Mr. Belding comes in, still dressed in the armor. Screech props his helmet open with an eraser as the writers drag out this gag that was never really funny for all it’s worth.
The Punch and Judy show ends in disaster as Maria and Katie get in a fight, Katie telling Maria she’s a stupid whore for stealing her boyfriend off screen.
Ryan shows up, telling Rachel to go with it. Screech, as usual, sucks at life and erases Ryan’s palm with grease he used trying to get Mr. Belding out of the armor. Ryan says a bunch of random shit that’s not even trying to emulate Romeo and Juliet accurately and they crash and burn.
Nicky and Eric come in with Tim, who I assume has kicked his way out of the janitor’s closet as Slater once did Mr. Belding’s door.
The sponsors have had enough of this idiocy and march out, declaring that people don’t sponsor stupid Renaissance faires. Tim tells Rachel that Ryan locked him in the janitor’s closet, leading Rachel to call him a stupid doo doo head and storm off.
The male cast stares disdainfully at Ryan for ruining everything with jealousy mode, even Nicky and Eric, who participated in locking Tim in the closet. But this is a lesson for Ryan to learn so who the hell cares?
After a commercial break, Maria and Katie make up since the writers want to focus on the main plot. They agree to stop fighting over stupid shit like stealing each others’ boyfriends off camera and go to write a new puppet show together.
Ryan tries to offer a non-apology to Rachel, asking her how she’d feel if her last girlfriend was a fucking cheater and Rachel tells him to fuck off. After all, she’s dated a sexual assaulter, an illiterate man, and a fake Swiss man.
Mr. Belding says it’s time for a special moment between the two of them. Mr. Belding say jealousy and possessiveness drove away the people he cares about as well as the sponsors and walks away without any further punishment. Wow. Way to be there for no other reason than to voice the moral in order to cram it down the audience’s throat. Screech comes up with the armor, saying they can’t afford it any longer, and Ryan says he’ll get the sponsors back through one finals Ryan plan.
This involves tricking three grown business owner into eating lunch at The Max because they conveniently don’t talk about how they all think the lunch spot was the others’ idea until they get there.
Nicky and Eric come in and show how they can sing product placements for the owners.
And Screech pretends that one of them, who owns a medical center, cured a hunchback. Oh, Screech doesn’t have a hunchback that needs cured. He has a lack of brain that needs cured. In any case, the business owners are apparently even more easily impressed than this show’s audience because they decide they’re going to back the faire because why the hell not.
At the faire, the revised Punch and Judy Show involves Punch and Judy…making out I guess? I don’t know. All I know is that it’s a stupid subplot that I’m glad is over.
And, as jousters, Mr. Belding…
And Sir Fucking Moron. They come at each other on skate and, unfortunately, only use Nerf swords because I’d like to see Mr. Belding “accidentally” stab Screech in the fucking eye.
In any case, getting the sponsors back apparently completely atones for Ryan’s psychopathic, potentially abusive behavior and all is completely forgiven so let’s never speak of any of this again.
Firsts: Maria and Nicky dating…I guess?