It’s been a while since we had a school radio episode so I guess it’s time to do it again! And, wouldn’t you know it, Tiger Radio has changed call signs since we last saw it in season one. It’s now KGAB, Cheyenne’s non-stop talk radio! Oh, The New Class, your inconsistencies are so all over the place!
We open in the hallway where Nicky’s obviously perturbed that Katie’s not giving him the sweet poon he deserves as the man in the relationship. See, she’s now the manager of the radio station and is working hard to make it not suck. She encourages him to, instead, listen to her sing sweet nothings in his ear via radio tonight.
Rachel, Ryan, and Eric complete their assignment of interviewing the student population about how much the radio station sucks ass since they went all talk. They discover that, amazingly, they have no listeners whatsoever, much like The New Class at this point. The show currently on the air is especially bad, eliciting hateful comments from all who bear witness to it. And what could that show be?
Why, The Belding Hour with Rich-dog and the Moron of course! They talk about that exciting topic of relevance to all high school students: the dangers of the paper cut! Oh, this is almost as exciting as air conditioning repair!
Up next is Ask Maria, and Maria, being in full on bitch mode, makes the nerd acting as engineer quit, bringing her count to four for the week. Katie asks Maria how she’s going to do her show if she keeps making engineers quit and Maria says that’s a problem for the writers of this show to come up with a plot contrivance to solve.
At The Max, Katie has some great ideas to jump start the station, like having a promotional party at The Max, because it’s worked so many times before! She also wants Eric to do broadcasts all over the school doing wild and crazy things because if there’s anything I can’t get enough of, it’s people describing wild and crazy things on the radio! Rachel and Ryan decide to work on it as well and they go off to single-handedly save the radio station.
Katie wants Nicky to act as Maria’s engineer. Since he’s from New York, he’s the only one who can handle her bitchy mood swings. He’s initially reluctant but agrees after Katie gives him puppy dog eyes.
The first segment of Eric’s show involves him…wearing the same wig he did in “Oh Brother”? This is getting kind of pathetic. At least Zack Morris and Screech varied up their drag collection in the original series.
The idea of the segment is that Eric will experience how it feels t be in the girls’ gym class because that’s non-stop excitement. Rachel introduces Eric to Coach Pippen as “Erica,” a new student in school, and since Coach Pippen apparently hasn’t paid attention to what’s been going on this season in the athletics department, she doesn’t recognize this ugly girl as the guy who was star football player for half an episode. She’s impressed that Eric is so good at push-ups since girls suck ass at them and the camera pans away as she tries to force Eric to do the splits, because all girls know how to do the splits.
Jesus, could they lay the gender stereotypes on any thicker here? Also, if the gang are in class, who the hell is listening to this broadcast? Well, whoever’s listening, Katie tells Ryan they love it. I think it’s probably some elderly folks at home who think they’ve tuned into a rerun of The Honeymooners.
Nicky and Maria are at each others’ throats and Katie says she’s counting on them to somehow pull it together so their plot can work out.
Mr. Belding and Screech’s new show, Live from Mr. Belding’s Office, meanwhile, sucks as much as one would imagine and leads to Screech being a dumb ass and accidentally breaking Mr. Belding’s badminton trophy. Gee, their antics are just hilarious today.
On the set of Ask Maria, Maria sucks ass at giving basic relationship advice to a nerd who calls in, and you can tell he’s a nerd because he talks in a nasily voice. Nicky has to bail her out and tell him to tell the girl he likes the truth. This leads to the guy’s crush calling in and whispering sweet nothings to him on the air. She keeps taking calls and is the best by the end of the program.
Maria thinks Nicky is the cat’s pajamas for helping her with the show. She leans over and, I can only assume, tries to bite his ear off, leading the audience to lose their shit over it since this is the equivalent to Maria getting to first base.
So…this is the episode that should have aired before last week’s episode. There’s really no excuse this incompetence since both episodes aired on the same morning. Someone at NBC was a complete dumb ass in determining the order these episodes were going to be aired in and anyone watching them back in 1996 would have had absolutely nothing to surprise them that morning.
Ryan, meanwhile, talks to a locker. Yeah, Eric’s now experiencing what it’s like to be a book in a locker, and it sucks about as much as you can imagine.
Nicky and Maria talk about how awesome it was to work together and how they really like it a lot. Katie comes up and Nicky tries to pull out of the show but Katie, once again, is completely clueless about the brewing plot and begs them to keep doing it.
In the bedroom of broken dreams for Ryan, Nicky tells Ryan he thinks his character is even more contrived than usual and he’s supposed to like Maria because they briefly worked well together. Ryan says this is a problem and Nicky will have to decide what to do. Also, Ryan doesn’t seem to think Maria has a sweet side despite the fact that, last season, he said she waited with him in third grade when he broke his arm because apparently he lost all memory of that incident in between seasons.
At The Max, Maria tells Rachel she likes Nicky. Rachel repeats the rote advice that Maria and Nicky need to decide what they’re going to do about it. May I just be the first to say that this is the most unrealistic, convoluted, and contrived relationship in the history of this fucking franchise, and that’s something considering Screech and Alison’s relationship is included in that list.
Back at the radio station…dear god, it’s Dr. Seuss meets bad early ’90s fashion. This show…god the things I’ve witnessed on this show. In any case, this latest attempt for Mr. Belding and Screech to come up with a show sucks as much as previous attempts and leads Katie to put music back on the air of Cheyenne’s talk leader.
Nicky tries to talk to Katie about his sudden contrived feelings for Maria but chickens out when she looks at him pretty. She leaves and Maria comes in to find that Nicky chickened out.
They decide the best way for this horrible, forced relationship to flare up is if they give the audience a chance to lose their shit.
Naturally, Katie walks back in to discover them in full lip lock and runs out, yelling how horrible friends they are.
In the hallway, Katie reels from the sudden turn her relationship has taken on the show and near emotes when she finds out Ryan and Rachel knew about Maria and Nicky before her. She’s upset she’s the last to know and tells everyone to just fuck off and fires Maria from her show because abusing one’s authority is a great lesson to learn from Saturday morning television.
Eric comes up and starts talking about how Katie wants him to be a human milkshake at the party. Katie drops water down her eyes to simulate tears and Eric assumes Katie’s upset he doesn’t want to be a human milkshake. Way to be a good friend there, Eric. Also, I think Eric’s technically the last to know about Maria and Nicky so the episode title is actually a misnomer.
Back at the radio station, Katie has Mr. Belding and Screech take over the advice show. Naturally, they suck at it just as they suck at life. Katie fires them and takes over the advice show herself.
Her first caller is Nicky, who wants to know what he can do to make up for hurting her. She says it’s up to her to forgive him and she needs to drag this all out a few minutes.
At the party, Eric checks out the giant milk shaker. Eric gets an idea when Mr. Belding and Screech talk about how much it sucks that they don’t have a show and take them outside The Max.
The gang get worried when Katie doesn’t show up for the party within the first ten seconds, but she finally does and tell Maria and Nicky she’s really hurt and may not be able to forgive them for a long time. I guess that’s why she was so bitchy about it in last week’s episode: no instant forgiveness like usual. She just needed to get her anger out through puppetry.
Mr. Belding and Screech come in dressed up to be human milkshakes, and our episode ends with Mr. Belding and Screech…turned into human milkshakes and finding the niche of pain for their radio career! Unfortunately, Screech doesn’t die performing this stunt.