Monthly Archives: October 2015

The College Years Episode 7: “The Poker Game”

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In our cold opening, Zack Morris pays up money he owes to the dad from Wizards of Waverly Place. No, really, for any of you unfortunate to have children old enough to have seen the series that made Selena Gomez a star, that’s Jerry Russo, the patriarch of the Russo family. This explains a lot. Jerry Russo lost a bet with Zack Morris and had to grant him the ability to warp time and space.

Zack Morris tells Jerry Russo they’ll have poker at his place this week and he’s predicting that he’ll win the pants off Jerry Russo because it will be convenient to the plot. Also, there’s a running gag that, much like his Wizards of Waverly Place character, Jerry Russo like eating a lot.

Zack Morris tries to get Slater in on the poker game but he’s promised to take Alex to a film. Screech makes fun of him for growing attached to a girl after dating less than an episode so Slater decides that he can’t stand being made fun of by Screech and says he’ll play poker.

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He says it too loud and Mike overhears. Since Mike’s in strict authority figure this week, he says that poker games aren’t allowed in his dorm. It’s not a university wide rule but a Mike rule because he quite literally says that he doesn’t like being hit up by freshmen for money when they lose their money. Uh, tell them to buzz the fuck off.

Zack Morris tells us he doesn’t care what Mike says. They’re going to play poker. Mike bursts back in and reveals that Jerry Russo also granted him the ability to break time and space as he yells no poker. Another Mike-centric episode. I think I’d rather have a Screech episode. At least then I’d be disgusted and hating life rather than just bored out of my mind.

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After the credits, the gang laments how lazy writers have suddenly made Mike an overly strict figure of authority again when he was their best friend last week. He’s overstepping his boundaries, too, telling Kelly that she has too many stuffed animals on her bed and whining about Alex meditating. This is when it would actually be good to report him to administration for overstepping his authority and being a general dumb ass but that wouldn’t advance this plot.

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No, Mike’s being a jack ass because he has a crush on Judith Trudell, Leslie’s literature professor who’s fresh off a gig working with Andy Griffith. No, really, she was on Matlock, a fact only known to me and people over the age of seventy. He doesn’t seem to know what to say to her so he talks about perspiration because that’s sexy.

Slater overhears and tells the rest of the gang. Zack Morris decides that he needs to get Mike laid so they can have their poker gang. Zack Morris and Slater go over and tell Mike that Judith likes him. Given that it’s now convenient to the plot, Mike believes Zack Morris’s bull shit and goes to ask out Judith.

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Back in the suite, Mike reveals that Judith agreed to go out with him. This leaves the boys to have their poker game, but they decided girls have cooties so they don’t want girls in their game. This pisses Leslie and Alex off, but they say they’re sure a subplot will emerge for the girls to take part in.

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And that subplot comes in the form of Kelly suddenly wanting to take karate lessons. Leslie and Alex decide to tag along so they’ll have something to do.

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And boy do they when they arrive and find out that their karate instructor, John Hammer, distant cousin of M.C., gives them all lady boners. Yeah, that’s going to be the girls’ subplot this episode: crushing over the karate instructor.

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At the poker game, Zack Morris is winning and Screech is a moron as he doesn’t know how to play poker. Mike bursts in, pissed off that they’re disobeying his arbitrary rules, just as Zack Morris is about to take all their money. After they kick Jerry Russo out, Mike suddenly goes back to boundary crossing with eighteen year olds as he couldn’t think of anything to say to Judith and the date only lasted thirty-seven minutes.

Mike confides all his love problems in the boys and leaves feeling he’s got three great friends in the people he’s enforcing insane rules on. He tells them that, while he still won’t let them play poker, they can play a rousing game of Monopoly tomorrow night when the writers change their mind on the role Mike’s supposed to play on this show.

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Meanwhile, back at karate, the girls are practically orgasming over Master Hammer tossing them.

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They end up in a tussle, fighting each other over who gets to put her lady parts on him next.

At the student union, Zack Morris and Slater are sick of Mike because the writers forget that he hangs out with them half the time anyway. They decide it’s time to set Mike up with someone to get his mind off Judith.

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They pick Sally, the inexplicably hot vending machine girl…yeah, vending machine girl. Come on, you couldn’t even make her a waitress or bartender or some shit? Well, I guess I asked for this when I committed to reviewing this series. In any case, she quite literally wants to fuck Mike right now but he blows her off, and not in the good way, telling her that he’s dating someone.

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Screech, meanwhile, tries to set Mike up with Clara, the stereotypical lunch lady.

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She does the sensible thing and starts sexually harassing Mike. Mike throws her the fuck off and tells the boys to quit with trying to alternately set him up with hot and old ladies.

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Back at the suite, the girls agree to help the boys with Mike as long as Zack Morris agrees to let the girls play poker any time they want. Their plan basically consists of letting Mike know that Judith likes Emily Dickinson and then randomly dialing her. Yeah, seriously, that’s their plan. Fortunately, Judith is trying to make the plot advance as well so she buys Mike’s bull shit about Emily Dickinson and agrees to go out with him on Friday.

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So Judith comes over to Mike’s place where he cooks him dinner. He keeps spouting random facts about Emily Dickinson and she finally tells him to shut the fuck up about Emily Dickinson already since he’s so superficially not intelligent. He also shows her how his thumb has no joint due to injuries and shit.

Judith admits to Mike she’s intimidated to be dating a guy she’s supposed to believe is so hot and Mike tells her he’s doing what the writers want and doesn’t know what to say about dating an intelligent woman since he prefers women with big boobs normally, like the one he turned down earlier.

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Meanwhile, the girls return to karate class with Kelly ready to be fondled by Master Hammer and Leslie and Alex jealous that she’s ready to be used by an inappropriate man, which seems to be a theme with Kelly in the franchise. By completely contrivance, though, Master Hammer broke his arm and got a volunteer…

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…in the form of Helga, an overly masculine woman who proceeds to beat the crap out of Kelly. Leslie and Alex run out, deciding that karate isn’t so fun without a hot guy to inflict injury on them. And thus ends the girls love karate subplot.

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Back at the suite, Leslie and Alex join the poker game but Jerry Russo gets sick of girly things like children and emotions  being brought into a poker game, saying he wants to save that for his future Disney Channel show. He storms off, declaring that they’ll play in his room next week and they’ll make it a “No Gurlz Allowed” party again.

Kelly comes in, saying she smelled smoke from Mike’s room.

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They run out and find the hallway engulfed in smoke coming from Mike’s room. Turns out he burned dinner while getting some something something from Judith and he closes the door to have what I assume will be a one night stand since we never see her again.

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And our episode ends with resident idiot Screech crawling around on the floor, not paying attention to the fact no one is with him and still believing the dorm is on fire. Oh, if only it was and you were trapped inside, Screech. Anything to get you out of this franchise.

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During the credits, we get more of the girls practicing karate and throwing themselves at Master Hammer.

The New Class Season 4, Episode 16: “Karate Kids”

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We open in the hallway where Maria’s decorated Nicky’s locker in preparation for a big wrestling meet because, oh, yeah, they’re still dating. Ryan, Rachel, and Eric think it’s super-de-doo cute but, don’t worry, this isn’t another wrestling episode and, in fact, it won’t come up again this episode.

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Naturally this leads to Nicky giving Maria a pop kiss as the rest of the gang creepily stares at them, no doubt mentally undressing the pair. And a pop kiss is, of course, enough to send our audience into a fit because they just wish someone would touch them.

Katie runs up, declaring that she’s late to the party because she had to help her Aunt Clara find her…teeth. Eww. We’ve hit rock bottom with this show. Please tell me we have. In any case, Katie’s staying with her aunt while her parents are away because she’s apparently not old enough or responsible enough to stay home by herself in high school.

Oh, and, in case you’re keeping score, it took Katie exactly three episodes to get over Nicky and Maria’s treachery. Three episodes. I’ve seen more realistic love triangles on Looney Tunes.

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Yet again, Mr. Belding and Screech forget Bayside has a nice intercom system and, instead, yell the announcements in the hallway. So, if you don’t happen to be in the hallway when they’re yelled, tough shit. In any case, this week, word in the hallway is that it’s Crime Prevention Month for the first time in Bayside’s history and, in honor of this, they’ll be having special after school activities. The writers suddenly remembered that Screech knew karate once back in season two when he taught it to Bobby so, since Bobby’s long since disappeared without a trace, it’s time to teach it to someone else by having Screech’s karate master, Grand Master Doug, teach classes after school. Screech demonstrates how much he’s learned from Grand Master Doug by getting his foot stuck in a trash can.

Are we sure Grand Master Doug isn’t an ’80s rapper?

Nicky thinks karate is a great idea since he does wrestling and they’re totally the same. Maria decides to go along with him so the audience can have some more excuses to lose their shit.

And, since other characters need subplots, Ryan and Eric sign up to help Screech increase the security on Mr. Belding’s office because…I guess Screech remembers how easy it was to break into when he was a student at Bayside. Really, this could be the most useful thing Screech has done on this show, though enlisting the two most likely to break in isn’t smart.

Also, Katie suddenly feels insecure about staying with her aunt so Rachel says she has a plan that will keep them busy for the duration of this episode as well. Oh, please let it be totally lame, inconsequential, and make Katie look slightly insane!

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At the karate class, Grand Master Doug shows off a bit by kicking a dummy and throwing Screech down so you know they at least got someone who could approximate karate moves. I have no idea if this guy is a real karate master or not. He did lots of stuff but no bio on IMDB and he never did a martial arts role again. Most likely he’s a semi-competent stuntman.

Also, note that Screech is a yellow belt. It will be amusing later.

In any case, Grand Master Doug asks for volunteers and Nicky volunteers, believing he’s about to take down our white rapper. Predictably, he fails and is brought down instead.

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Also predictable since we’re ripping off an original series episode, Maria is up next and takes down Grand Master Doug easily.

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She also takes down Nicky, leaving him feeling emasculated since women are stupid and weak and shit.

Rachel and Katie come in and ask Screech for a karate dummy, saying Rachel’s going to dress it up with Katie. Geez, I hope this is a stupid subplot that’s going to make me wonder why I don’t gouge my eyes out.

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In Mr. Belding’s office, Screech, Ryan, and Eric install lots of stupid security measures like retractable bars on the windows and Screech’s voice yelling at any potential perpetrators that they’re going to get it. I know Screech’s voice would make me wish I was in prison. They leave to get more equipment to protect Mr. Belding’s laptop, Screech declaring that, if anything happened to it, Mr. Belding would never forgive him. Gee, I wonder what’s about to happen.

Mr. Belding passes the three on his way into his office and answers the phone, telling the voice on the other end, a computer technician, he’s bringing his laptop in to have more memory installed on it. He unplugs the laptop and brings it with him.

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Now despite Screech just passing Mr. Belding moments ago, he believes someone’s stolen the laptop, and this is his worried face. God, he’s a dumb ass.

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At The Max, Katie’s hanging out with her dummy because…god I wish I knew! People are making fun of it, including Nicky, who I’m convinced is just pouring salt in the wound of his failed relationship.

Screech runs in and tells Ryan and Eric about the laptop being missing. They decide that, rather than simply tell Mr. Belding, they need to devise an overly complicated plan to catch the non-existent thief.

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Everyone leaves but Nicky and Maria and Nicky goes to get a milkshake. Some idiot named Dirk (yeah, really) decides Maria’s ripe for the taking because she’s sitting alone. Nicky tries to get Dirk to move but Maria body slams him first, leaving nerds amazed that Nicky has a girlfriend who will beat people up for him. Also, the waiter is the most useless person there as he just stares open mouthed rather than, I don’t know, calling the police!

Back at Bayside, Katie likes her dummy, who she’s named Brad and added a realistic penis for her pleasure. She feels safe now that she’s dating a real man.

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Screech says he’s installing a booby trap to catch the thief, whom he’s sure will return to the scene of the crime. Also, he tells what he thinks is a lie that Mr. Belding’s laptop is in the shop and, when Mr. Belding doesn’t think twice about it, becomes convinced that he’s the best teller of lies in the world.

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Whew, that was a long day of school! We’re back at The Max, where Maria asks Nicky why he wasn’t at karate class. He says he’s decided karate is dumb if girls can do it and he won’t be going anymore. Maria, on the other hand, has been invited to be in a karate tournament at Bayside since she’s been doing karate for a whole day. Nicky marches out, upset that Maria likes something. Maria wonders if she should drop out of karate to please her man since that means everything at Bayside but Ryan decides it’s time for a plan to make Nicky feel better about himself.

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But not before Screech somehow rigs a door mat to drop a net over Mr. Belding’s head. Well, he did once create artificial life but that was before he started sniffing glue.

Ryan and Eric tell Screech the plan: to have Nicky think he catches the laptop thief, though it will be Ryan in a disguise, of course.

The plan starts with Eric telling Nicky he’s afraid to be alone in the hallway because Screech might molest him.

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Oh my god. Could Screech put on a less convincing act as a hostage? God, let’s just get this scene over with. Maria comes out of nowhere and body slams Ryan, further cutting Nicky’s penis off since his friends think he needs to feel better about himself. Maria promptly throws away her white belt because it symbolizes her quitting karate and shit.

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At The Max, Katie and Brad read together because she’s seriously losing it. Maybe she’s repressing all her resentment against Maria and Nicky. Or maybe she’s practicing for a future role on One Tree Hill.

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Maria comes in and tells her she’s decided to just give up and be whatever Nicky wants her to be.This leads to instant forgiveness from Nicky since Maria’s finally falling in line with societal gender expectations.

Also, Dirk harasses Katie a bit because he likes hitting on crazy girls.

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At Bayside, Maria’s dressed like an exaggerated version of Lisa Turtle meets Blanche from The Golden Girls because I wanted to see what Maria would look like if she dressed like my grandmother and acted like a mental patient.
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Mr. Belding’s sick of Screech’s stupid traps and tells Screech to get rid of all his stupid stuff in the office, starting with himself. But first Screech gives a pep talk to Maria about being herself and doing what makes her happy, whether her boyfriend likes it or not, which would be good advice if Screech didn’t follow it up with sticking his hand in a giant mouse trap. Oh, Screech, even when you try to be competent, you’re not.

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At the karate tournament, Dirk won’t leave Katie alone so she tells him off, leading him to run off crying. Katie realizes bullies are super easy to get to leave you alone so she decides to abandon Brad, leaving him to whatever fate may befall him. I should totally start a Tumblr: Brad travels the world after Katie abandons him. What will he see?

Maria comes in wearing a yellow belt. Yes, a yellow belt, the same rank as Screech. In just a few days, she became just as good at karate as Screech is supposed to be. How sad and believable is that! In any case, she tells Nicky he better get with the picture since the episode’s almost over. He needs to grow some balls and support her and overcome the lazy gender stereotypes that have been forced upon them. She then goes in to compete.

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Screech catches the computer technician, whom he decides has to be the thief. Mr. Belding tells Screech he’s a fucking moron and that all this would have been avoided if the writers had been competent enough to realize that, even if Mr. Belding had his laptop stolen, it wouldn’t have been Screech’s fault because he didn’t do anything to precipitate it, for once. Once again, Screech promises to be honest with Mr. Belding, but I’m sure he’ll forget that promise when it’s convenient to the plot.

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Maria’s up first and she competes as Nicky comes in to cheer her on since he’s now an enlightened man due to episode running time being short.

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And our episode ends with Maria being proud that she learned a valuable lesson she can impart to the winners. She knocks her opponent down twice but we never find out if she wins as winning isn’t as important as getting a moral out in the laziest possible way: via plagiarized writing.

But what upsets me most is that neither Ralph Macchio nor Pat Morita had anything to do with this episode. Of course, that was something much better with the words “Karate” and “Kid” in the title, something I wouldn’t feel exasperated from having watched.

The College Years Episode 6: “The Homecoming”

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In the cold opening, Slater’s obsessing over football cards because he’s looking for his Johnny Walters rookie card.  Seems he wants to get it autographed and Zack Morris thinks that’s totally lame because he has to live out the trope of initially hating someone he’s going to love the rest of the episode.

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Kelly gets in on the action, revealing she randomly has his underwear advertisement because that’s not creepy at all. Zack Morris doesn’t understand why people should love Johnny Walters so much since he puts on his underwear one leg at a time, just like him. Unfortunately, this is the part in the episode where we learn Screech doesn’t know how to put on underwear because he’s a complete moron.

Kelly wishes she could go to the alumni banquet tomorrow because she wants to obsess over Johnny Walters and how Cal U is going to retire his jersey. Kelly’s shown more interest in football over the last forty-seven seconds then she has in the past four years of the franchise because she’s proven that she likes a big…underwear advertisement.

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Mike brings in a graded psychology test for Zack Morris. Turns out he’s a TA in one of Zack Morris’s classes and helped tutor him to a B. Our supposed genius from Bayside, ladies and gentlemen, proving he can’t ace an introduction to psychology class without tutoring and proving my point about SATs not predicting college performance. Zack Morris plans on having Mike help him on his term paper for the class but doesn’t want to start until next week because he suddenly cares about homecoming.

Mike, though, because he’s the straight-laced character the writers can’t figure out what the hell to do with, plans on studying because he’s the responsible one in the cast. Oh, and his buddy Johnny Walters is coming to visit, too, because it’s convenient to the plot to have him know Mike. Yeah, Mike played football with Johnny Walters at both Cal U and the 49’ers because that’s likely.

Kelly’s majorly freaked out she’s going to meet yet another fake celebrity because she’s already gotten to meet so many being a part of this franchise. Zack Morris thinks he’s lame, though, because he suddenly doesn’t like fake celebrities due to plot contrivance-itis.

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Naturally, Johnny Walters enters and hears Zack Morris badmouth him, leading Zack Morris to break the fourth wall and ask why the studio audience can’t be useful for once and have inexplicable emotions around something that would make sense.

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After the credits, Leslie’s obsessing over cleaning the suite because her parents are coming to visit. Naturally, Screech has a bicycle that he’s oiling in the middle of the living room, leading her to ask why he can’t take a day off from being a dumb ass.  Slater tells him to get the fuck out because we don’t have time for him right now.

In case you forgot, Zack Morris reminds us how Leslie’s parents are big shots on campus, with halls named after them due to their donations. It’s going to be a subplot that I don’t give a damn about, isn’t it?

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Speaking of subplots I don’t give a shit about,  in her bat shit crazy scenario of the week, Alex is practicing to play Cal U’s mascot, a falcon. Slater says she’s fucking insane and she sulks off in protest that someone would dare point out the insanity of a character in this show.

Also, Leslie can’t figure out how to put an ironing board in the closet because it’s apparently hilarious that she doesn’t know how to fold it in.

Meanwhile, in typical Zack Morris fashion, he suddenly decides he loves Johnny Walters because he’s on the board of several corporations and might be able to help Zack Morris’s budding finance career he’s dreams of for six episodes.

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Given this new knowledge, Zack Morris finds Johnny Walters in Mike’s room and starts his typical suck uppery under pretense of working on his paper with Mike. Zack Morris apologizes to Johnny, hoping he can still get some selfish gain out of it.

Johnny asks Mike to introduce him at the alumni dinner, which doesn’t matter at all because they won’t revisit this plot thread the rest of the episode. Johnny invites Zack Morris out to lunch with him and Mike so they can grow to love each other in an off-screen cliche.

Also, a running gag this episode is that Johnny talks about his exploits as a football player and no one gives a shit that Mike was involved in them as well. Yeah, it’s as monotonous and unfunny as it sounds.

Back in the suite, Slater apologizes to Alex for pointing out the obvious truth and offers to give her pointers on acting like a falcon.

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This leads to…Screech joining them in acting completely bat shit insane. Jesus Fucking Christ. I’m watching half the cast of The College Years dance around a room like birds. This is scarier than any film Alfred Hitchcock could have ever made.

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In the girls’ room, Leslie’s parents arrived off screen, and they’re engaged in yet another sitcom cliche: the rich snobs who pick apart everything, hating random things like that their daughter dare have to share a closet with two other girls, ragging on Kelly’s sense of fashion, and trying to set her up with a boy. Yeah, this is supposed to be developing character for Leslie as the rebellious daughter who broke class divisions, but it’s really just making me wish I could get drunk and forget about this episode.

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Also, they discover that the people who live in the suite are insane and decide they need to get their daughter out of this bull shit as fast as possible.

Leslie lies to her parents about having a date to the alumni dinner and, after they leave, tells Kelly she would just love to bring someone that would completely freak them out.

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And who better than Screech, dressed and ready to scoop up elephant poo. No, seriously, he’s dressed and ready to scoop up elephant poo in the homecoming parade. I think this is more than what’s necessary to shock Leslie’s parents. This is sufficient for them to have Leslie committed.

Leslie asks Screech to the dinner, fully admitting it’s to shock her parents, and he thinks it’d be a great idea to put his idiocy to good use.

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In the student union, Kelly obsesses over Johnny as she has him sign the underwear ad. Naturally, they don’t show us where he signs it. Johnny decides he likes Zack Morris and wants to invite him to the alumni dinner. After Johnny leaves, Mike suddenly decides halfway through the episode that Johnny is flawed and, despite the fact they haven’t foreshadowed any character flaws in Johnny to this point, Mike insists that Johnny has flaws.  I wonder if those flaws will be more Johnny Dakota or Rod Belding in origin.

Zack Morris also asks Leslie to the dinner and finds out he now ranks below Screech. That’s sad.

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Alex comes in and lets Slater know that she got the role of mascot. To thank him, she invites him to the alumni dinner, which she’s now invited to because she’s the mascot and the mascot gets to go for some reason. He accepts because why the hell not.

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So it’s time for the alumni banquet and, proving Kelly is always Zack Morris’s back-up plan, he brings her in Leslie’s place.

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While Alex shows up in her falcon costume to take photos.

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Screech is ready to act even more bat shit crazy than usual. Irnoically, when Screech tries to act bat shit crazy, he’s less successful than when he doesn’t try.

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Johnny introduces Zack Morris to a random big shot and invite Zack Morris to golf tomorrow. He accepts, hoping something’s in it for him.

Slater makes Alex cry again by letting her know he’s ashamed to be on a date with a crazy woman dressed as a bird. I have no sympathy for Slater. He should have known what he was getting into with this one.

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Leslie’s parents are horrified to discover their daughter is dating a man who makes Donald Trump look sane by comparison. They’ve had enough when Leslie says she’s engaged to Screech, and she finally admits this whole subplot is designed to piss them off. And this subplot ends with Leslie’s parents going into therapy as Screech implies their grandchildren will be named Itchy and Scratchy.

Zack Morris tells Mike about his invitation to play golf tomorrow. Mike reiterates to Zack Morris that there will be forced vices forced upon Johnny’s character even though they still haven’t even been hinted at other than Mike’s insistance that Johnny is a bad guy. Zack Morris walks off, pissed off because he thinks Mike is jealous of Johnny, which it does look like Mike is jealous of Johnny at this point to anyone who didn’t know this was Saved by the Bell.

Johnny invites Kelly to go downtown with him to an interview, excited that she gets to be with another fake celebrity.

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Oh, and in the forced romance of the century, Slater makes up with Alex and lets her know that he’s decided that, since he dated a girl with bat shit crazy tendencies in high school, he figures he can do it in college as well and fuck that girl he was supposed to have liked last week. Now he can go for a person obsessed with dressing like birds instead of one obsessed with her Latino heritage. He proceeds to make out with his little falcon as a photo is snapped to help him remember this moment years from now when he looks back at it with shame.

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The next day, Kelly reveals to Zack Morris that Johnny tried to fuck her but she said no because she’s saving herself for the inevitable relationship she’ll have with Zack Morris that viewers can see coming from a mile away.

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Zack Morris tells Johnny to fuck off with his golf games and shit since he’s a womanizer and that’s now a bad thing in the Saved by the Bell universe.
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He then goes and apologizes to Mike, who tells Zack Morris that we should all hate Johnny because he’s egotistical, selfish, and hits on girls off-screen. So…he’s exactly like Zack Morris! Mike says he is jealous of Johnny, though, because he still gets to play football while Mike has two bad knees.  And our episode ends with Zack Morris insisting that Mike is a valuable member of The College Years cast despite the fact the writers can’t seem to figure out if they want him to be a mentor/authority figure or a seventh member of the gang.

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During the credits, we get more of Leslie attempting to put the ironing board away. How thrilling.

Firsts: Slater likes Alex.

The New Class Season 4, Episode 15: “Trash TV”

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I  can’t believe it! Not only are we back at the mall this week but Yukon Yogurt still exists! It’s like the writers of The New Class actually started keeping track of continuity! What is this bizarro world I’m now living in?!?! It’s like the writers actually give a damn what happens on this show!!!

Or this is an out of order episode. There are clues that this might not be an out of order episode like Ryan and Rachel actually dating but you know, whatever.

In any case, Screech is dressed like an ice cream cone and Mr. Belding is a cup of yogurt that keeps getting stuck in the elevator. They’ve found their true calling. Also, Mr. Belding isn’t wearing pants…for some reason. Yeah, this gag goes on for quite a bit of the first five minutes and it’s the usual “Screech acting like a jackass and making Mr. Belding the butt of the joke” routine. Remember when the Mr. Belding character was somewhat dignified?

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Continuing in the vein of continuity, everyone has the same jobs they had before. Rachel and Nicky still work at the movie theater, Maria at the club, Katie at Jean-Paul’s hair salon, Eric at Yukon Yogurt, and Ryan selling sunscreen. I’m really wondering what bizarro world we’re in since the mall is supposed to completely change stores every six months or so!

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The gang get excited because they spot Rick and Carol, anchors for the tabloid show “The Real Story” eating Yukon Yogurt and go to overwhelm them with demands for attention. Turns out tha they’re doing a report on teenagers who work in the mall.

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The gang show Rick and Carol their pimples in hopes of being the subject of their reporting, not seeming to be suspicious about the fact that Rachel says they reported the night before that Princess Diana and Dennis Rodman were dating. Oh, The New Class, what depths of stupidity will you not stoop to?

Rick and Carol think it’s a good idea to use the gang as their subjects since it means the producers don’t need to hire any guest stars and say they’ll be back at 3:00 to start filming.

Meanwhile, Screech says he and Mr. Belding are making a commercial for Yukon Yogurt. What an exciting subplot.

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So the filming goes about as well as you expect. Carol convinces Katie to cut the hair on a mannequin while they film, saying it will be better for the filming.

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Maria serves a man in the club. Then, Rick films her while asking about a bad customer, giving Maria the excuse to say, “Bug off, buddy,” for the commercial.

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Carol films Rachel and Nicky in a filthy theater that looks like it desperately needs to be cleaned rather than have a television interview done in it. She tells the two to sit back and films them relaxing in chairs in the theater, while gross stuff sticks to their feet.

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Rick films Eric singing and then dropping a pint of yogurt. Geez, this is all so exicitng I’m  speechless. I wish every episode of The New Class could be a camera crew filming the gang doing their jobs.

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Finally, Carol films Ryan at his stand. Carol prods him for how he maintains his relationship with Rachel given how hard she works and he cracks a joke about her sneaking out during films to see him but quickly says it was a joke.

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And, as if we need more reason to be bored by this episode, the whole gang make funny faces for the camera. Well, this has been a good waste of six and a half minutes of my life so far. Can we get to something truly exciting and thrilling?

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Well, yes, and that would be Screech filming the commercial for Yukon Yogurt. Yes, the only man with an IQ lower than the product he sells. Oh, and the running gag that’s run into the ground is that Mr. Belding can’t properly pronounce the flavor of yogurt he’s hocking. Oh, and Screech uses a standard camcorder because he has no fucking clue how to film a commercial. Is anything going to happen during this episode?

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The gang gather at the club to watch the piece on them while Maria’s boss is totally excited for the publicity the piece will give the club. In a move I could have predicted a thousand miles away, the piece is selectively edited to make the gang look as bad and as incompetent as possible. Eric looks like he serves yogurt to customers that’s been on the floor, Katie looks like she cuts hair without training or a license, Maria looks like she’s rude as hell to customers, and Rachel and Nicky look like they’re lazy and don’t do their jobs. Since everything you see on television is real, everyone instantly believes the bullshit that spews out of Rick and Carol’s mouths, leading to Maria getting fired, Katie being put on clean-up detail, and Nicky and Rachel having their hours cut.

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But, hey, we do get to see the exterior of the mall! I’d love to know which real mall got to be a stand-in for The New Class‘s mall.

On top of all this, the Yukon Yogurt ad airs right after the piece, but Mr. Belding and Screech suck at life so they miss seeing any of it and Eric decides to hide what happened from them. As a result, customers start returning yogurt, leaving Mr. Belding and Screech not understanding what’s happening but giving refunds without question despite the fact that’s not how it works in the food service industry. I wonder if I can buy a Big Mac and then return it to McDonald’s after watching Super Size Me.

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Ryan and Eric decide enough is enough and go to the station to try to reason with Rick and Carol. Our intrepid reporters are all, “We enjoy making up stupid lies that could possibly get us sued by businesses that lose money because of our stupidity so grow up and accept that you’re just screwed!”

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Back at Yukon Yogurt, a health inspector decides to randomly shut down Yukon Yogurt based on the story without corroboration. Eric finally tells Mr. Belding and Screech what happened and they actually end up being the only adults in this episode with a bit of common sense as they instantly believe the gang that the reporters lied. It’s sad when Screech isn’t the dumbest adult in one of these episodes but it’s sadder when he’s smarter than at least seven adults either seen or mentioned as believing this idiocy.

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Naturally, Ryan has a plan to get revenge on Rick and Carol. He calls them, pretending to have a multi-million dollar deal to offer them. He tells them to meet the president of the company while he’s having his hair done at the hair salon.

Being greedy stereotypes, they naturally show up and who do you suppose is the president of the fake company offering Rick and Carol the deal?

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Why, who else but Screech in a bad mustache. I’m confused why Screech needs a disguise since Rick and Carol haven’t met him before but I’ll chalk it up to Screech being a complete dumb ass. He gets Rick and Carol to admit to fabricating stories while the gang record it on camera and they blackmail Rick and Carol into issuing an on air apology for the story, with Screech pointing out that Mr. Belding could sue them for lots and lots of money for ruining his business. Once again, it’s a sad day when Screech is the voice of reason in any episode.

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So, of course, the apology is half-assed, but Mr. Belding says it should be enough to convince all the gullible adults that they were stupid to believe the story to begin with and will allow everything to go back to normal.

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Yukon Yogurt’s new ad airs featuring Screech showing off his incompetence in basic props because it’s hilarious to see Screech hit over the head with a sign.

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And our episode ends with Mr. Belding’s reaction to Screech’s incompetence: the equivalent of, “Oh, you rascal, you!” I didn’t realize I’m suddenly watching Leave it to Beaver.

Well, wasn’t that a great message to give teenagers: don’t trust television. Well, I guess it is a good message if you believe that caffeine pills are addictive or that Zack Morris is Native American.

The College Years Episode 5: “Slater’s War”

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In our cold opening, Zack Morris is, once again, determined to fuck Leslie. He wants to take her to San Francisco to see Pearl Jam and she’s all, “Because it’s convenient to the plot, I’ve decided I don’t want to date you again!” He notices a ski in her general vicinity and invites her on a ski trip since everyone in this universe seems to be obsessed with skiing despite four of them being from Southern California. Leslie’s initially hesitant, as would be any sane woman, but, when he promises it will be a part of a group trip, she agrees in the interest of pushing the plot along. Naturally, Zack Morris lets the audience in his living room know that he intends to ditch any other group members in favor of getting lucky.

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After the credits, we find out that the writers are already running out of ideas for subplots as they’ve decided to rerun the plot from “Slater’s Friend,” having Screech watch Mike’s mouse, a project to explore the interaction between behavior and diet, while he’s off at a sensitivity training seminar. Get it? Mike’s a big macho former football player but he’s going to a sensitivity seminar. Isn’t it hilarious? Laugh damn you!

The only good thing about this scene is the mouse poops in Screech’s hand. I don’t blame it. I have many times wished I could do that!

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Zack Morris starts trying to recruit people for the ski trip. Kelly has to work at the job she suddenly has at the student health center, Alex is up for a part in a play, and Screech sucks ass. That only leaves one possibility if Zack Morris hopes to get laid.

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Yes, Slater will come along and he’ll even bring his own date to get frisky with because he can be just as big a womanizer as Zack Morris when he puts his mind to it.

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Slater’s date comes in the form of very random Spanish speaking girl Theresa, who seems to think all Latinos speak Spanish and is shocked to learn Slater took French in high school. The audience loses their shit when she insists Spanish is a sexy language and waste time before class starts.

Whatever class they’re in, their professor is studying bias in the media and they talk about Eurocentricism and, since Theresa seems to be going for it, Slater tells hr he thinks Eurocentrism is sexy and they should meet later before thy fuck.

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Back at the suite, Screech has already managed to lose Mike’s mouse, freaking Alex the fuck out to where she gets a bat to beat the shit out the mouse. Fortunately, Zack Morris opens the door, letting the mouse open as Screech, Kelly, and Alex chase after it and leading to a rare moment of meta insight: that he’s living in the world’s worst Tom and Jerry cartoon.

And, in case you’re worried about Leslie going on the ski trip, she’s rightfully nervous that it’s just Zack Morris and Slater with her on the trip. He assures her that Slater’s bringing a date who can read and everything!

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At the student union, Theresa starts going on about how Mexican-Americans are underrepresented in academic studies and Cal U needs an independent Chicano Studies department. Bow, an episode all about how Latinos are shit on and we’re off to a great start as Theresa assumes Chicanos are the only Latinos at Cal U who need representation. Besides, according to “Running Zack,” Slater’s ancestors were matadors, meaning he’s Spanish, meaning…oh, fuck it, the writers don’t give a damn about anything other than what’s convenient for this plot, do they?

Naturally, Slater finds her talk about Latino stuff boring since he’s been with this franchise five years and has never considered he’s not white. Theresa gives him some sound bites about Latino culture and convinces him to come to a meeting about getting the Chancellor to pay attention to the Chicano Studies department rather than thinking about ski trips. Also, she criticizes the fact that Slater is an Anglo name, not a Latino name. Ironically, the actress playing Theresa changed her name to sound less Latina.

In the boy’s room, Slater tells Zack Morris he’ll find someone to go on the trip with them, but tonight he wants to go to the meeting so he can find out more about being Latino given the zero attention he’s given it in his eighteen years of life. Zack Morris thinks it’s stupid despite the fact he was super hyped to find out he is a fake Native American and Slater’s all, “You should have been paying attention all these years that I’m the Latino one even though my ethnicity has been inconsistently characterized by asshole writers who can’t keep continuity straight from one episode to the next!”

Also, yes, there’s an inside joke about Zack Morris thinking Slater was Italian. Yes, this is a throwback to a line from the original series where Slater claimed to be Italian. Yes, it’s weird that Zack Morris remembers this minor detail but can’t remember major plots like the fact that last week was actually the second time he learned the lesson that frats suck ass.

At the student union, Screech tutors Slater in how to speak Spanish while he busts tables since Slater’s decided his Mexican heritage requires him to speak Spanish suddenly. Also, Screech is keeping cheese in his pants, hoping to attract Mike’s mouse. Sadly, this is not the scariest thing Screech has ever done.

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Now comes the part of the episode where we go from being merely stupid to being inane and irritating. This is where Slater becomes a straw Latino, taking offense at anything anyone says in the least and assuming it’s a slight to his Latino heritage, including this grunger who is a little rude but just wants his damned table cleared by the guy who works there.

I should explain what I mean by a straw Latino. A straw Latino is a person who’s obsessed with their Latino heritage to caricature. These sorts of caricatures are used by lazy writers to make lots of legitimate causes look ridiculous by showing a character taking legitimate issues to ridiculous lengths. That’s what’s going on here. Slater’s taking offense at every little remark, twisting it to his liking. The goal is to allow us to simply dismiss Slater and Theresa and, by extension, activists in real life, as stupid, reactionary, and not worth listening to. In reality, the writers are just extremely lazy and not even trying, relying on a trope that diminishes real issues in hopes of cheap laughs.

But, more than all this, you should hate this scene because it’s completely out of character for Slater and doing exactly what the crew of Saved by the Bell claim they never do: diminish the characters to their race. Whatever reason you hate this episode for, hate it and hate it with fierceness. I’m so annoyed by this episode and we’re only halfway through.

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So now that we’ve had a bit of horrible inclusion of social issues, let’s get back to important things, like Alex freaking the fuck out over the loose mouse. I asks a friend whether Alex ever does anything except act like she’s bat shit crazy, and his response was no. I think she was separated at birth from Vicki Needleman. She puts masking tape all over the door to keep it closed so the mouse doesn’t get in the girls’ room as Kelly watches and wonders why she came back to the franchise.

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Meanwhile, Mike returns and wants to know where the fuck his mouse is, not comforted by the fact that Screech has cheese in his pants. They hear screaming from the girls’ room, with Alex screaming that masking tape is too strong to break off the door. Mike goes running, hoping to find his mouse, and does the rational thing…

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…of breaking the girls’ paper thin door down and searching everywhere for the mouse. Kelly tells him Alex is just crazy and hearing things, which leaves Mike nearly in tears as he describes how he’d become close to the mouse and is now sad that the mouse is gone. If only Mr. Belding was there to give an inspirational speech about losing your pet friends.

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Back to the fucking annoying plot, Theresa spouts on and on about the chancellor ignoring their demands and Slater suggests they have a sit-in to take over the chancellor’s office tomorrow night. This annoys Zack Morris since that means missing the ski trip. Oh, yeah, Zack Morris, Leslie, and Alex are randomly there, too. They argue over how Slater should get back to his real priority: getting laid, but he says he’s not going to ask Theresa to cancel the sit in.vlcsnap-2015-09-21-17h27m16s63

Back at the boys’ room, Zack Morris and Slater fight over the situation using a method I approve of: inflicting pain upon Screech. This naturally doesn’t lead to resolution since there’s still five minutes left in the episode and they argue pointlessly over the situation I just wish would end and shit. Zack Morris actually asks why Slater would pick this weekend to be a Chicano being that it inconveniences Zack Morris, and Slater says it’s about him learning off-screen his father changed their last name from Sanchez to get into the military academy. Yeah, really, no kidding. Sanchez. God help me in these last few minutes.

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Back to the important mouse subplot, Mike’s putting up posters looking for his mouse. Yeah, I’m sure someone will randomly recognize the mouse based on this poster. Kelly comes up and says she was channeling Jessie and found the mouse off-screen but hid him because he was afraid Mike would do cruel experiments on him. Now she can see he really cares about the mouse and has decided to give him back. Unfortunately, the shoe box she brought has shoes in it and they hear Alex screaming, leading Mike back to his mouse and ending this all important plot.

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At the sit-in, Theresa and Slater won’t back down, even when a representative for the chancellor comes in and threatens to have them all arrested. They tell the representative that the media is on their way and the man walks off to consult on what to do.

Zack Morris comes in and tries to talk Slater out of being arrested. He won’t back down, though, believing that his cause is just. The representative for the chancellor returns and Zack Morris gives gives a speech about listening to each other and shit. The representative says the chancellor is unmoved by Zack Morris speech because he already wants to meet with the protesters at 9:00 the following morning so we can end this subplot. The protesters, sans Slater and Zack Morris, go off to celebrate and watch Alex chain herself to the bike rack for media attention.

Zack Morris and Slater make up for their fight and say they love each other more than any stupid exaggerated stereotypes that the untalented writers for this show may come up with. They promise to be friends forever.

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And our episode ends with Zack Morris and Slater walking off arm in arm, finally having found their love for each other.

Thank god this episode is over. Let us never speak of it again. No, really, I’m betting it will never be spoken of again.

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During the credits, Alex does some more bat shit crazy stuff hoping to usurp a protest to benefit her own acting career, and we get to see Screech experience more pain during the fight between Zack Morris and Slater.

The New Class Season 4, Episode 14: “Hospital Blues”

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Oh yay we’re back at the hospital this week. How joyful. And given there are paramedics wheeling someone in, this must be the emergency room since paramedics typically don’t stick around long enough to wheel patients up to rooms.

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Naturally, this means that Mr. Belding, Screech, and the gang just walk right in as if anyone’s supposed to be there. Of course, the more likely explanation is that the writers of The New Class understand how hospitals work about as much as high schools. Oh, incompetence, thy name is Carl Kurlander this episode.

Mr. Belding tells the gang they’re all fortunate enough to be main characters because it means they get to do their community service at Palisades Hospital. Well, I mean they did put one extra in there but it’s a really pathetic attempt to not make the entire situation contrived and written just to get our gang in yet another.

Yes, this is the episode that should have aired before last week’s episode introducing the hospital scenario. The sad part is that they aired on the same fucking morning! God, the idiocy of NBC. All I can do is shake my head.

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Mr. Belding tells the gang he wants them to be careful because there are sick people at the hospital. Naturally, Screech immediately knocks shit out of…I haven’t any fucking clue what this woman is supposed to be. Doctor? Nurse? Orderly? Dietician? It’s like the props department just threw everything they could find at her that might be found in a hospital in hopes of convincing viewers this is real. It’s pretty sad.

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Apparently a doctor is in charge of assigning volunteer spots in a hospital because doctors don’t have any better things to do, like check on patients. Naturally, the assignment is along gender lines, since girls have cooties and shit. The boys get to be orderlies and the girls get to work in patient services. Asian extra who was brought along just gets to wander off the set since we don’t want to acknowledge he’s there.

Rachel doesn’t want to work in patient services, though, and convinces the doctor to let her work in the gift shop.

So we can get a subplot going, a nurse comes up and tells the doctor that his volunteer for his sleep deprivation study cancelled. Mr. Belding decides this is the perfect opportunity for him to have something to do and and agrees to stay up for forty-eight hours straight and be a patient in the hospital because he doesn’t have anything better to do like be a principal at the school or supervise his incompetent administrative assistant.

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In the gift shop, Maria and Katie brag about all the sick people they’ve seen so far in the hospital while Rachel obsesses with flowers. Rachel tells them to shut the fuck up because they’re grossing her out, not because they’re being disrespectful to the patients they’re serving. Way to have your priorities straight, Rachel.

Rachel’s supervisor asks her to run flowers up to a patient’s room. She’s hesitant at first but then Ryan comes in so she decides to take advantage of him to mak him her human slave. Before he takes it up, though, he complains of a stomach ache and asks for something for it. Uh, oh! I smell more contrivance!

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In Mr. Belding’s room, our nurse tests Mr. Belding’s coordination and ability to spell his name backwards. Screech, being a completely incompetent moron, starts throwing balls at Mr. Belding and helps him recite his name. The nurse, no doubt eager to get off this stupid fucking show, ends the test without Mr. Belding actually proving he can do anything.

Everyone leaves the room so Nicky and Eric come in to clean up Mr. Belding’s room. Eric doesn’t want to wear an orderly’s smock because they look dweebish so the nurse tells him to quit being an idiot and just wear one.

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Nicky cleans the restroom while Eric shows his incompetence in operating a bed.

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Fortunately for him, his latest one episode love interest, Ashley, comes in and assumes he’s a patient because plot and tells him that she’s there to give him lots of hot fucking to make him feel better. Eric shoos  Nicky off and we have another stupid subplot.

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In the cafeteria, Maria and Katie make good lunch conversation by talking more shit about their patients. Rachel tells them to shut the fuck up already. Ryan, meanwhile,collapses in pain about as well as you’d expect an actor on this show to, and the gang sans Rachel rush him to the emergency room, with Rachel saying she’ll catch up.

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We have a new doctor to recap to Ryan and Nicky what she says she told his parents off screen: that it could be kidney stones or appendicitis. Priorities, guys. I think hiring actors to be Ryan’s parents would have been justified in this case. In any case, he’ll need more tests to determine what’s wrong. The doctor says his friends are waiting in the hallway for him, and the rest of the gang sans Rachel come in. I guess it makes sense that Nicky was allowed in since he is Ryan’s stepbrother but it’s still stupid we don’t see Ryan’s parents at any point this episode.

The rest of the gang come in and Ryan’s first question is where Rachel is. Maria says Rachel will meet them there when her shift at the gift shop is over.

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Before we have time to question why Rachel’s not at Ryan’s side, the last thing you want to see when you’re not feeling well comes in bearing flowers. I think that would make me not want to be resuscitated. Oh, and Mr. Belding’s having trouble staying awake. How fun.

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Back in the cafeteria, Katie tells Rachel they may have to operate on Ryan. Rachel says she’ll have to write him a note and, since she offers no other explanation why she’s being so insensitive, Maria pries it out of her. Rachel has a nice, contrived fear of hospitals because she once broke her leg and had to go to a hospital and then her grandmother died in a hospital. Maria and Katie agree to go with Rachel to Ryan’s room to help her get over this stupid plot point. The magic word in this episode is contrivance!

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Eric spots Ashley and, though he initially wants to tell her the truth, he hears her tell an old woman how she isn’t there to socialize. So, he hops in a wheelchair and wraps a blanket around him, telling Ashley he’s just so lonely and needs her to give him more hot fucking. She agrees to stop doing lame things with old women and come give Eric what he really needs. Nicky reminds Eric he doesn’t have a room so he decides to use Mr. Belding’s room again.

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Nicky pushes Ryan and asks for his stereo in case he dies. Nice, caring relationship they have there.  Nicky assures Ryan that Rachel’s supposed to come visit him that afternoon, and we move on to other exciting plots.

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Like Mr. Belding singing “Itsy Bitsy Spider” to stay awake. Good lord, why don’t they all just look at the camera smiling for thirty minutes. It would be a lot more exciting than this. Mr. Belding asks Screech to get him more coffee, promising he won’t try to take a nap.

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Naturally, he breaks his promise just to complicate Eric’s subplot. Eric shoos him out, citing there are cooties in the next room. No, really, cooties. That’s not even an exaggeration.

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Eric hops in bed as Ashley comes in to give him hot fucking and shit. Unbeknownst to him, just outside the door is Screech, who can’t find Mr. Belding and assumes he’s taking a nap inside. Our resident dumb ass’s solution?

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Open the door and throw a bucket of ice without even looking who you’re throwing it at first! Oh, Screech, you will one day earn a well-deserved Darwin award. Ashley tells Screech he’s a fucking moron for doing that to a patient but Screech spills the beans that Eric is a volunteer. Ashley gets pissed since she only gives hot fucking to patients and marches out of the room.

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Maria and Katie escort Rachel onto the hospital floor. She makes it to Ryan’s room but then freaks out when she walks in and sees a tube in him since the writers need five more minutes of material for this episode. Also, Nicky says that Ryan needs an operation tomorrow.

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In the cafeteria, Rachel looks despondently that she can’t go see Ryan. Mr. Belding comes in and gives her a typical speech about how she needs to get over her fear and realize good things happen at hospitals, like babies being born and sick people getting better. Well, if this plot wasn’t so contrived, Rachel would fucking realize this as she was sick at a hospital and got better and she cites this as half the reason she’s scared of hospitals! God I hate this show!

Rachel leaves and Mr. Belding tries to take a nap but is immediately awakened by Screech with a cowbell. Saturday Night Live was wrong: this is one time we don’t need more cowbell. We need less Screech.

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Eric tries to apologize to Ashley but she says that he’s an asshole for pretending to be a patient for hot fucking since that old lady she was with needed hot fucking too and is an actual patient.

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In the very next scene, Rachel goes to visit Ryan because she searched her heart and realized phobias are super easy to get over since this is contrivance city. They do bonding over their love of each other and Ryan says he’d rather Rachel have his stereo instead of Nicky, because Ryan has his priorities in line.

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The next day, Ryan comes out of surgery okay since he still has a season and a half left on this show. We finally find out that Ryan had appendicitis and everything’s okay because Rachel learned how easy fear is to get over! It’s nice to know that the hospital lets unrelated members of the cast see Ryan before his own parents. To wrap things up for Eric, Ashley joins the gang and tells Eric she heard he gave the old woman hot fucking, which was really sweet, and so everything is great between them. Maybe they can even get hot fucking later. And, just for good measure, Eric gives us a gay panic joke about not kissing Ryan after Rachel completes the task.

vlcsnap-2015-09-14-16h19m11s66And our episode ends with Mr. Belding falling asleep just as his forty-eight hours of being awake is complete, rendering the entire subplot one entire joke since Mr. Belding ruined the sleep study. It’s so hilarious and, if you don’t think so, you must kill kittens.

The College Years Episode 4: “Rush Week”

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In the cold opening, Zack Morris tells us via monologue that it’s Rush Week, as the episode’s title would imply, and freshman are being rushed by fraternities and sororities. Given his predilections, however, he’s more inclined to rush this random girl who turns his head for no discernible reason when there are a ton of others girls in the hallway. In any case, he’s sad that transgender rights haven’t quite caught up enough for him to join a sorority so he’s going to spend the episode obsessing over frats instead, because we need even more evidence Zack Morris is a complete douche bag. Oh, and he lifts the leg of his pants up, causing the audience to lose their shit since they’ve apparently never seen a bare leg before.

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Zack Morris enters the suite to find Slater talking to a guy who’s desperately trying to bring cardigan sweaters back into style. This guy is Rick, and, though Zack Morris initially blows him off, Zack Morris soon discovers he’s from Sigma Alpha, the best professional agriculture sorority around! Okay, no, in the Engle-verse, Sigma Alpha is actually Cal U’s hottest frat full of douche bags so, naturally, Zack Morris wants in. Rick only wants Slater because he’s a jock and testosterone and shit, so Zack Morris pretends to be a hockey player so Rick will think he’s a jock, too. You dip shit. You were once the best cross country runner at Bayside. How soon the bad writers on this show forget there’s actually little difference between Zack Morris and Slater.

Of course, the kicker is that Rick’s a hockey player, too, so he tells Zack Morris he’ll see him tomorrow at tryouts. Oh, how hilarious. Now Zack Morris has to try out for hockey. Wait, that would be a better plot than what follows. Naturally, I don’t believe for a second that Rick’s really a hockey player but I suspect the writers have never watched a hockey game in their lives so whatever.

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After the opening credits, Mike’s suddenly taking way too much of an interest in the gang’s life and is stoked that Slater’s going to be in Sigma Alpha because he was in Sigma Alpha, too. Somehow Mike has gone from tough authoritarian guy to wanting to be one of the gang in just a few episodes. Quite a feet considering it took Mr. Belding quite a few more episodes than that to achieve that level of boundary crossing.

Oh, and there’s a running gag throughout the episode that Mike supposedly pulled off an awesome prank for the Sigma Alphas of taking the clapper out of the bell in the bell tower, causing the bell to not ring. Yeah, it’s not funny and no one laughs about it except the audience. It even stumps Screech, which takes talent to do considering his level of dumb assery.

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Zack Morris arrives back from hockey tryouts beat because he actually went through with trying out for a sport completely out of his league. He’s so desperate to get into Sigma Alpha he’d suck Rick’s cock to get in. Instead, he sucks up to Mike and Mike promises he’ll put in a good word for Zack Morris. Screech, for some reason, thinks this means him as well and Mike has to be the one to break it to Screech that no one likes him and, in the real world, he’d never get into a fraternity. Hell, he probably wouldn’t have friends in real life.

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But, wait, the girls need their own Greek life subplot so Alex has inadvertently been invited to the party for Beta Delta, a completely made up sorority but at least they didn’t use the name of a real one. Leslie’s mother was in Kappa Theta which means she automatically gets rushed for it. Conveniently, Kelly wants into Kappa Theta, too. Also, by a huge contrivance, Beta Delta and Kappa Theta are rivals at Cal U which means Kelly and Alex get to really hate each other for no reason this episode and oh god why the fuck do I have to review this stupid shit? I hated Greek life when I was in college and this stupid episode isn’t helping!

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In the student union, Rick randomly joins Zack Morris and Slater after Zack Morris has been begging Slater to put in a good word for him. Slater tells Rick Zack Morris should be in Sigma Alpha and Rick’s all like, “Okay!” Well, that was the easiest resolution to a plot ever! Can we end the episode now?

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Of course not because this is the part of the episode where the plot suddenly shifts to being about Screech’s constant idiocy! Yes, he comes in making balloon animals so Zack Morris and Slater have to shoo him off because he’s making them look bad in front of Rick. The idiot verses the douche bag. You know, considering what I know about Screech, I would probably pick the douche bag, too.

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Back in the suite, Leslie overhears Zack Morris and Slater talking shit about Screech because neither of them want to be anywhere near him. I’m beginning to see how he got transferred to Bayside after a year at college: no one could stand him anymore. Leslie’s all, “I’m going to judge your complicated relationship with a guy you’ve known for years even though I still barely know you!” and tells them they’re being pieces of shit to Screech. They’re all, “You don’t understand! This is his sixth year in this franchise! We’re beginning to crack and don’t know how much more of his idiocy we can take!”

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They briefly consider telling Screech to fuck off away from the Sigma Alpha open house but then find Screech on the phone with his father telling his father how he’s going to be in a fraternity and that it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to him! Never mind that Screech created artificial life, graduated valedictorian, dated Tori Spelling, and briefly had psychic powers. Being in a club of douche bags is the best thing that’s ever happened to him!

After a commercial break, Zack Morris and Slater decide to make Screech cool and shit. They change his name to Brad because both Screech and Samuel suck ass. Also, despite using Screech’s real name in the past, Zack Morris doesn’t seem to know it. They try to help Screech with his hobbies and shit and even try to show him how to walk like a real cool dude, causing the audience to lose their shit even more than Zack Morris showing his leg.

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Naturally, Screech is a lost cause because he sucks at life.

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They even bring the girls in to give Screech a fashion makeover, which gives Kelly and Alex a chance to fight some more and advance their stupid subplot. Jesus fucking Christ. I’m watching these people dress Screech. Are they going to do anything actually plot related in this episode or would I have a better time masturbating with sandpaper and lemon juice?

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Oh, good, let’s cut to the Sigma Alpha party so we can see Mike continue to talk about his stupid bell story while the Sigma Alphas obsess over Mike being an adult and being at Cal U.

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The boys come in and, since people in the Saved by the Bell universe can only remember stuff when it’s convenient to the plot, they don’t remember they’ve met Screech before and believe the stupid story that Screech is actually Brad. We have some more stupid frat stuff as Zack Morris convinces people too stupid to be at college that Screech is a real cool dude while Screech tells the same people they can’t see his underwear. Yeah, no kidding.

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Kelly and Alex even pretend to fight over Screech’s hot body and it gives them yet another opportunity to advance their stupid “fighting over sororities” subplot.

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Screech concludes his time at the party by bringing his stupid animal balloons back out. IS THIS FUCKING EPISODE OVER YET?!?!

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Back in the boys’ room, Screech, in cow skin pajamas, continues to obsess over his stupid animal balloons. Sigma Alpha seems to be the fattest acting frat in the history of Greek life since they immediately come in and grab the three of them to take them off for initiation: sliming them. Yeah, no very special episode about hazing here. Just slime.

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Unfortunately for Screech, they bring him back in and tell him his sliming was a mistake. They don’t want him in their frat because he sucks ass and shit, leaving him devastated to learn that no one likes him and destined to try to find acceptance with the next generation of Bayside’s youth.

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At the Sigma Alpha house, Zack Morris and Slater try to convince Rick and the others that Screech doesn’t suck ass quite as much as they think he does but Rick’s all, “We don’t want future felons among our ranks.” This leaves Zack Morris and Slater to consider their future in the Sigma Alphas.

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Kelly finds Mike mopping up the remnants of the Sigma Alpha initiation and he tells her he’s decided that frats aren’t so great when you’re in your forties so he probably won’t be participating with Sigma Alpha any longer since he is supposed to be the mentor figure.

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Kelly spots the Kappa Thetas coming and they tell Leslie they’ve come to rush her. Leslie tells them she’s been surprised to find out over the last few days that frats and sororities are stupid cliques that no one need be a part of so she’s decided to join. Kelly’s devastated to find out that they don’t want her because plot, and Alex comes out to join the little pity party they’ve got going because she didn’t get into the Beta Deltas either so this subplot has just been completely stupid.

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They’re ready to write off sororities as completely stupid when Pi Tsi , yet another made up sorority, comes to rush both Kelly and Alex.

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Naturally, this makes them do a complete turnabout and jump in place dramatically for the camera since there will never be a better thing in the history of anything.

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Leslie decides to leave the end of the stupid sorority subplot to find Screech sitting depressed on the couch. She tries to comfort him since she doesn’t yet realize he’s not worth comforting and tells him  she turned down a rush since frats and sororities are stupid and shit.

Zack Morris and Slater come in and tell Screech that they’re not Sigma Alphas either and that they were rushed by accident. Screech thinks this is wonderful since they can all be independents together and shit.

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Leslie tells Zack Morris her bullshit detector on him is finally working and she realizes he lied to Screech, but that it was sweet what he did. He naturally takes this to mean that she wants to fuck his brains out and she tells him to go shower first and find out what’s going on in the boys’ room so we can finally end this stupid episode.

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Rick and the Sigma Alphas come in and tell Screech they’re forced to take him given that they’re such douches no one else wanted to be a Sigma Alpha. Screech is initially reluctant but Zack Morris and Slater encourage him to go with them, where he’s slimed off screen. It won’t be until his porno that he’s slimed on screen.

Mike comes in upset that the Sigma Alphas have, once again, messed up his floor and tel Zack Morris and Slater that they better fucking help him mop it up because plo.

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And our episode ends with Screech randomly coming in and jumping in Mike’s arms post-slime.  What a stupid fucking episode and may we never hear about Sigma Alpha again since I’ve already reviewed the episode of The New Class that’s kind of a sequel to this one.

vlcsnap-error563During the credits, we get more stupidity involving how balloon animals suck ass while we get an extended version of Screech jumping in Mike’s arms and wiping his spooge all over Mike’s masculine pecs. How disturbing.

Firsts: Sigma Alpha.

The New Class Season 4, Episode 13: “The Final Curtain”

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We open at…the hospital, where Eric apparently now volunteers for the purposes of this episode. He has the task of taking this woman for a walk outside and she says it did her good.

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Unfortunately for her the duo that give small children a phobia of clowns show up.

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Our old woman suddenly realizes she’s in a shitty Saved by the Bell spin-off. Her magic powers kick in and she high tails it out of there before they turn her into a stupid sub-plot. She’s so magical she can make her wheelchair move forward without actually touching the wheels. No, I’m not even kidding. She just moves her hands through the air. Well, this episode is starting out well…

 

Mr. Belding says he’s hosting a farewell party for the volunteers and their patients on Saturday and he wants Eric to sing, which he readily agrees to. I wish I knew what the fuck is going on. I really wish I knew what the fuck is going on.

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Katie has a professional interaction with this guy, Greg, which leads Rachel and Maria to conclude that they need to fuck. Katie says she’s not interested in dating anyone yet since she’s so confused by the way her breakup with Nicky was aired out of order. After she walks away, Rachel and Maria decide that it would be good for Katie to date someone so, like all good friends, the’re going to meddle in her social life.

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Ryan and Nicky have the supposedly unenviable take of taking care of Mr. Madison, whom the episode wants us to believe is kind of a crotchety old man but just seems intolerant of Ryan and Nicky’s bullshit incompetence to me. Ryan and Nicky decide they would rather take care of someone who won’t point out their stupidity, so they pawn him off on Eric since it’s going to be another Eric-centric episode and shit.

So, based on what’s happened so far and based on the fact there’s another episode that takes place in the hospital, I can only assume that we’re witnessing another instance of NBC’s incompetence in airing episodes in some semblance of a logical order and that the gang are completing some sort of volunteer project. I guess we’ll find out later in the season what’s actually happening on this show. God, I hate this show.

Also, Mr. Madison is played by Jack Carter, who’s apparently a legendary Las Vegas comedian and former host of Cavalcade of Stars and Texaco Star Theater who was pretty prolific when my grandparents and parents were younger than I am now. Yeah, I had no idea who he is either and had to look it up on IMDB. He gets a Very Special Guest Star credit for this episode, which means they intended this to be a star-studed appearance, but I have a feeling that, if I have no idea who he is, neither did the target audience in the mid-nineties. In any case, how horrible that this guy’s career spiraled so low that he has to guest star on The New Class.

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Eric tries to help Mr. Madison and just gets a bunch of gruff because he’s supposed to be unlikeable so Eric stands up to him and is told he doesn’t like spunk either. Let’s hate the guy because the writers think we should.

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Unfortunately for Mr. Madison, his luck just keeps getting worse and worse as the world’s worst clowns come in to cheer him up. Mr. Belding recognizes him as a legendary comedian who used to be on television and Mr. Madison says he just hopes he didn’t inspire any of this idiocy.

Mr. Belding and Screech proceed to try and do a stupid act. In the process, Mr. Belding’s unconscious hatred for his administrative assistant comes out and he smacks Screech upside the chest, knocking him down and making his back go out.

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This is the point where I hope this will be a very special episode about doctor assisted suicide and that Screech’s doctor is named Kevorkian. Unfortunately for me, we instead get a generic female doctor who doesn’t know what’s wrong with Screech but is determined to find out before the end of this episode so we can go back to the same old status quo. Really, I know you took the Hippocratic oath, doctor, but no one will fault you if you just walk away.

Meanwhile, Screech starts guilting Mr. Belding into doing stuff for him. Of course he does because we needed a subplot for these two.

Greg comes in with Screech’s lunch and Rachel and Maria take advantage of the situation to hype up how much Katie doesn’t talk about him while Maria sizes him up as the next guy she can have a contrived love plot with.

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This leads Greg to do the unbelievable: ask Katie out on a date! Katie says she’s busy washing the stench of Nicky out of her vagina, leaving Rachel and Maria shocked that Katie wouldn’t want to focus her life on boys while she’s in high school.

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Meanwhile, Eric relives Ryan and Nicky from the horrible task of having to sit with Mr. Madison. He tells Mr. Madison that he wants to be a performer so he figures the best way to get this forced plot going is to ask Mr. Madison for advice on making it big. He sings for Mr. Madison and Mr. Madison says that, considering the other sucky things that happen on this show, his singing doesn’t completely suck. Mr. Madison invites Eric to call him “Larry,” which either means he’s joined the Three Stooges or they’ve now bonded.

After a commercial break, Eric bonds with Mr. Madison in the hospital cafeteria. Yeah, they actually paid for a cafeteria set. NBC must have been throwing money at this point hoping to reclaim the old glory of the original Saved by the Bell. Either that, or they found a set from another show and used it. Come to think of it, the latter is probably the more likely explanation.

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Ryan and Nicky reluctantly join Eric and Mr. Madison for a game of poker using jelly beans as poker chips. They play and, after a nurse chastises Mr. Madison for eating candy and takes him away, they decide he doesn’t completely suck and they’ve decided to do an about face and like him.

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Meanwhile, Screech is still guilting Mr. Belding into doing shit like give him a manicure, read him magazines, and give him a foot massage because it’s supposed to be funny. Geez, they have the most thrilling subplots.

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Rachel and Maria give Katie a bouquet of flowers they claim is from Greg but swear her to secrecy because they say Greg doesn’t want her to know. The subplot is weak in this one.

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Mr. Madison’s having a bad day so the nurse tells Eric to make it a short afternoon. They talk shit about preforming, Mr. Madison gives Eric the key to his first dressing room as a good luck charm, and Mr. Madison promises to be at Eric’s performance as Eric turns on the boom box to Louis Armstrong’s “What a Wonderful World.” Eric stays and watches Mr. Madison as he falls into sleep, telling Eric he’ll see him in the morning and the lights dim. Jesus fucking Christ, could the writers beat it into our heads in anymore stereotypical fashion that Mr. Madison is about to die? I think the only worse things they could do would be to have the Grim Reaper appear while Mr. Madison screams about seeing a light! Maybe he’ll meet all of Screech’s murder victims in Heaven and start a new spin-off.

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The next day, Mr. Belding gets the news that nothing is wrong with Screech’s back and the pain is psychosomatic so Mr. Belding plots to show Screech he isn’t in pain. I think the psycho part is correct but the somatic part may not be.

Greg gives Katie a bouquet of flowers and lets slip that she thinks he’s already brought flowers. She quickly figures out it was Rachel and Maria engaging in a bad subplot and tells them she can’t believe they’d meddle in her life yet again.

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Eric discovers that, surprise, surprise, Mr. Madison died overnight. Eric’s left shocked that the guy who gave him lots of generalized advice and played poker with him is gone, so shocked it’s time to rip off part of the plot from “Running Zack.”

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After a commercial break, Eric tells Ryan and Nicky he can’t believe the doctors let Mr. Madison die. They assure him he’s caught in a sappy tear-jerker plot that will be resolved by the end of the episode but Eric can’t handle it and leaves, asking them to let Mr. Belding know he can’t perform that night.

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Mr. Belding scares Screech with the prospect of exploratory surgery, causing him to stand up and realize he’s okay, thus ending the “Screech is injured” subplot. I think the wrong character died this episode. I tend to think that Screech was faking the entire time even though they made excuses for him.

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Mr. Belding stops by Eric’s house to check up on him, doing the work of grief counseling that a professional should be. Mr. Belding gives Eric a pep talk about Mr. Madison living on in Eric’s house and tells Eric to do what he needs to in order to feel better, even if that means missing the performance.

I’m more pissed about the fact that they could afford to bring in a legendary comedian, build a hospital cafeteria set, and even secure the rights to play a Louis Armstrong show, but they couldn’t be bothered to get Eric his own bed. No, it’s quite obviously Ryan and Nicky’s room with different posters and the lower bunk turned into a clothes rack. It’s not like they don’t have a single bed available; we’ve seen Katie’s room and she has one. This is just laziness and it makes no sense Eric would have a bunk bed if he doesn’t share his room with anyone.

At the performance, held in the cafeteria because who needs to eat, Rachel and Maria apologize for interfering in her life and promise not to interfere ever again until it’s convenient to the plot.

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Mr. Belding and Screech do a stupid song about how they will always be friends with the patients at the hospital, even after the writers have long forgotten they ever existed, and it’s as bad as most Saved by the Bell songs.

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Of course, Eric shows up after all and does a performance of “What a Wonderful World” featuring magic instruments that aren’t actually there because the props department couldn’t be bothered to make the performance look realistic. And, as if that’s not bad enough, we go into a series of clips…about Mr. Madison. Yes, we get to relive all those magic times from the past twenty minutes featuring Mr. Madison that the writers assumed we’ve already forgotten about us since they want to drum into our heads how special he was. And, as Eric finishes his abbreviated performance, our episode ends with the screen fading to black and Peter Engel’s name over top. Yes, no kidding, that’s it. It ends just as unspectacularly as it’s been the rest of the episode, as if symbolic for how horrible this show is.

This has to be the worst episode of the season…so far…

The College Years Episode 3: “Zack, Lies, & Videotape”

In our cold opening, it seems that, despite having different majors, the gang are all taking a Cultural Anthropology class. This, despite the fact it directly contradicts last week’s episode when Zack Morris signed up for a bunch of other classes because he thought Leslie was taking them. It’s also the first day of class again since the classes in the first episode don’t count now that Danielle is dead and we’re already forgetting the Mandarin class last week. It’s like Saved by the Bell never bothers to remember silly things like what happens from episode to episode.

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Anyway, Zack Morris starts talking shit with a random student sitting in front of him because how dare class expect him to get up at 8:00 am and do stupid shit like learn. The student offers to sell Zack Morris a copy of this stupid new professor’s midterm for twenty dollars and, Zack Morris, being a complete dumb ass when the situation calls for it, believes him and buys it, despite the fact it’s the first day so how did he get a copy of the midterm?

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Naturally the student turns out to be Professor Jeremiah Lasky, and his lack of professional ethics and boundaries in his first minute and a half on screen should be a sign of things to come, but you know, adults in this franchise never have proper boundaries.

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The girls’ lady boners all go ding for Professor Lasky because we need Zack Morris to instantly hate him anymore so whatever.

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After the credits, Professor Lasky’s still laying it on hot and heavy with the girls, telling them they’re going to study the mating rituals of the Tehanbuli tribe of New Guinea and how they like to be polyamorous and shit. To demonstrate, he asks the girls to marry him and all three get excited about more boundary issues to follow.

What I can’t figure out is if the Tehanbuli are a real tribe or not. Google gives me one result for the way Professor Lasky spells it. It’s just as likely that the writers made it up to fuck with me and some blogger misspelled something.  In any case, Professor Lasky tells Kelly she’ll never need to remember this for exams or quizzes or anything because why test on what you just said you’ll be learning.

Also, Professor Lasky’s lecture style is the most fucked up, all over the place method I’ve ever seen. He goes from definitions of anthropology to randomly talking about Margaret Meade. Actually, I had a professor like him once. He was in his seventies, half senile, and needed to retire. So, now I know where my professor was in the early nineties.

Professor Lasky’s first assignment for the class is to buy his book because there’s no conflict of interest in that at all. Zack Morris asks if he can have his money back if he has to buy Professor Lasky’s book and the walking ethics violation gives Zack Morris five dollars and tells him to buy it used.

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In the student union, the girls can’t wait to fuck Professor Lasky’s brains out while Zack Morris wants him to be Screech’s next victim. In our random subplots of the week that we’ll barely talk about, Slater needs to gain six pounds by Friday so he can get into a higher weight class in wrestling while Alex needs to lose two pounds due to apparent theater related anorexia. How excited.vlcsnap-2015-09-06-20h10m57s306

Speaking of subplots, in the boys’ room, Slater tells Screech that Mr. Rogers or Mike or whatever the hell we’re calling him this week is looking for Screech. Screech hides, thinking our residential adviser wants to avenge a shrunken shirt. Slater, hoping Screech will die or some shit, immediately points out where Screech is.

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But, no, Mr. Rogers/Mike wants Screech to help him type his memoirs. Seems he has a book deal but his hands are too big to type with because that’s a thing and not just something the writers made to give him something to do this week. Screech agrees to be his editor if he’ll help Screech bulk up with weight lifting and shit so that more women will inexplicably hit on him.

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Back in class, Professor Lasky has Zack Morris and Leslie participate in an experiment where Zack Morris has to get Leslie to go out with him but he can’t speak. Naturally, since Leslie is now back in “I hate Zack Morris mode” she wants nothing to do with him for now and so, Zack Morris storms back to his seat, declaring this experiment to be stupider than the new class that’s replaced him back at Bayside. Professor Lasky tells Zack Morris to see him in his office at 5:00 so he can give him spankings.

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No, no that would be too exciting. We find out that Professor Lasky apparently quite literally lives out of his office because that makes it easier to engage in ethics violations. Lasky tells Zack Morris that he sucks ass at courting women despite only knowing him for two days and despite the fact that, with the exception of Punky Brewster, women seem to fall all over Zack Morris quite instantly and without logic. The good professor tells Zack Morris that, if he applied himself, he might learn something in his class so he tells Zack Morris that, if Zack Morris does a field study about what women want and comes up with a scientific conclusion, Lasky will give Zack Morris a B so he doesn’t have to come to class anymore. After all, he’s already in deep with stuff that will keep him from making tenure so why not keep it up? Zack Morris agrees, not realizing the episode is still only about halfway through, giving him plenty of time to learn a lesson.

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At the student union, we check in on the stupid weight loss/weight gain subplot as Alex screams about how Slater’s eating like a pig but can only gain one pound. How exciting, but not as exciting as air conditioning repair.

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Zack Morris tries video taping women for his project. Unfortunately, he picked the world’s largest dumb ass to be his cameraman and this scares the girl out, who already seemed to have no clue what she wanted, so she’s no good. Leslie tells Zack Morris he’s a dumb ass for hitting on women instead of taking Lasky’s project seriously. She stomps off so we can still have her as the Jessie like character and shit.

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Mr. Rogers/Mike talks football shit with Screech but then reveals that he had trouble asking girls out. Screech refers to him as Mike, so I guess I will too. Mike didn’t have his first date until he was twenty. Screech makes fun of him for it and, when Mike picks him up and threatens to remove his stupid appendix through his stupid nose, Screech strikes that part and talks more football shit.

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In the suite, Zack Morris records the girls talking about who they think is hot and sexy, including a guy from yet another class they apparently all share because I took every class in college with all my friends of different majors. He also gets jealous because they think Slater’s hotter than him since they’ve had a preview of things to come in about twenty years.

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They realize Zack Morris is spying on them s they all start talking about how much they want to jump Zack Morris’s bone. Then Leslie dumps popcorn on Zack Morris’s head and they tell him how he’s a dumb ass and tell him he has no idea how to do scientific research for a project because he has a lesson he needs to learn.

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After a commercial break, Mike talks more football shit and, I never thought I would agree with Screech, but I think this subplot is fucking boring and needs to go away. Screech suggests that, rather than more football shit, Mike should talk about the personal stuff because it would inspire losers to think other things are losers. Mike instantly agrees with him because plot and this stupid subplot is finally over.

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But not before Mike has Screech lift weights. Alex comes in to tell Mike that a parent is on the phone for him and Mike leaves Screech without a spotter to hopefully die. But, wait! Alex calls him Mr. Rogers! Should I call him Mr. Rogers or Mike?!?! I’ve never been so confused by what to call a character in my life! It’s like the writers had no clue whether they wanted Mike to be a Mr. Belding character or a useless Max character.

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In the suite, Kelly convinces Zack Morris the reason he can’t get women to take him seriously is he tries to hit on them while he’s doing his studying. Zack Morris asks the girls about their ambitions and loosens them up enough to talk about what they want, enough to create a video tape. Also, we get some Kelly “boo hoo hoo I’m poor” shit while Leslie brags she’s rich and has a building named after her family. How profound.

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Zack Morris and Professor Lasky watch the tape and Lasky’s impressed. Zack Morris’s highly scientific conclusion is that girls are just like boys: they all want different things. Jesus Christ, I’ve watched for the last twenty minutes and this is the stupid ass conclusion this episode comes to? In any case, it’s good enough for Professor Misconduct and he tells Zack Morris, true to his word, he has a B and doesn’t have to come to class.

In class, Slater now needs to lose weight because he needs to get back to his original weight class so he wears a sauna suit because the writers of this franchise are the only ones in the world who believe those things work. Thus ends our thrilling weight loss/weight gain subplot.

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Zack Morris initially doesn’t look like he’s showing up for class, especially surprising given Professor Lasky told him he didn’t have to come anymore. He comes in anyway, though, saying he’s decided he wants an A and will hopefully learn some more shit over the next season. And our episode ends with Zack Morris using Professor Lasky’s book to balance a wobbly chair because we need some closure that Zack Morris will never truly change unless it’s convenient to the plot.

So, about the episode title, where were the lies? We saw the Zack and the videotape, but do the writers of this show really believe that acting like a douche is equivalent to lying? I mean, I know they were going for a clever reference to Sex, Lies, & Videotapes, but, if a reference doesn’t fit, like this one, it just looks fucking stupid.

vlcsnap-2015-09-06-20h28m24s975During the credits, they tease me more with the possibility of the weight destroying Screech’s esophagus but, like all good things, the possibility of Screech’s death must come to an end as Bob Golic, out of character and laughing at the pain he’s inflicting on Dustin Diamond, comes in and lifts the weight off him. Oh, Bob Golic, you’ll never know how close you came to preventing six seasons of misery for me.

Firsts: Professor Jeremiah Lasky, Lasky’s ethics violations, Mike as the imperfect jock, the Cultural Anthropology class.