In our cold opening, Zack Morris pays up money he owes to the dad from Wizards of Waverly Place. No, really, for any of you unfortunate to have children old enough to have seen the series that made Selena Gomez a star, that’s Jerry Russo, the patriarch of the Russo family. This explains a lot. Jerry Russo lost a bet with Zack Morris and had to grant him the ability to warp time and space.
Zack Morris tells Jerry Russo they’ll have poker at his place this week and he’s predicting that he’ll win the pants off Jerry Russo because it will be convenient to the plot. Also, there’s a running gag that, much like his Wizards of Waverly Place character, Jerry Russo like eating a lot.
Zack Morris tries to get Slater in on the poker game but he’s promised to take Alex to a film. Screech makes fun of him for growing attached to a girl after dating less than an episode so Slater decides that he can’t stand being made fun of by Screech and says he’ll play poker.
He says it too loud and Mike overhears. Since Mike’s in strict authority figure this week, he says that poker games aren’t allowed in his dorm. It’s not a university wide rule but a Mike rule because he quite literally says that he doesn’t like being hit up by freshmen for money when they lose their money. Uh, tell them to buzz the fuck off.
Zack Morris tells us he doesn’t care what Mike says. They’re going to play poker. Mike bursts back in and reveals that Jerry Russo also granted him the ability to break time and space as he yells no poker. Another Mike-centric episode. I think I’d rather have a Screech episode. At least then I’d be disgusted and hating life rather than just bored out of my mind.
After the credits, the gang laments how lazy writers have suddenly made Mike an overly strict figure of authority again when he was their best friend last week. He’s overstepping his boundaries, too, telling Kelly that she has too many stuffed animals on her bed and whining about Alex meditating. This is when it would actually be good to report him to administration for overstepping his authority and being a general dumb ass but that wouldn’t advance this plot.
No, Mike’s being a jack ass because he has a crush on Judith Trudell, Leslie’s literature professor who’s fresh off a gig working with Andy Griffith. No, really, she was on Matlock, a fact only known to me and people over the age of seventy. He doesn’t seem to know what to say to her so he talks about perspiration because that’s sexy.
Slater overhears and tells the rest of the gang. Zack Morris decides that he needs to get Mike laid so they can have their poker gang. Zack Morris and Slater go over and tell Mike that Judith likes him. Given that it’s now convenient to the plot, Mike believes Zack Morris’s bull shit and goes to ask out Judith.
Back in the suite, Mike reveals that Judith agreed to go out with him. This leaves the boys to have their poker game, but they decided girls have cooties so they don’t want girls in their game. This pisses Leslie and Alex off, but they say they’re sure a subplot will emerge for the girls to take part in.
And that subplot comes in the form of Kelly suddenly wanting to take karate lessons. Leslie and Alex decide to tag along so they’ll have something to do.
And boy do they when they arrive and find out that their karate instructor, John Hammer, distant cousin of M.C., gives them all lady boners. Yeah, that’s going to be the girls’ subplot this episode: crushing over the karate instructor.
At the poker game, Zack Morris is winning and Screech is a moron as he doesn’t know how to play poker. Mike bursts in, pissed off that they’re disobeying his arbitrary rules, just as Zack Morris is about to take all their money. After they kick Jerry Russo out, Mike suddenly goes back to boundary crossing with eighteen year olds as he couldn’t think of anything to say to Judith and the date only lasted thirty-seven minutes.
Mike confides all his love problems in the boys and leaves feeling he’s got three great friends in the people he’s enforcing insane rules on. He tells them that, while he still won’t let them play poker, they can play a rousing game of Monopoly tomorrow night when the writers change their mind on the role Mike’s supposed to play on this show.
Meanwhile, back at karate, the girls are practically orgasming over Master Hammer tossing them.
They end up in a tussle, fighting each other over who gets to put her lady parts on him next.
At the student union, Zack Morris and Slater are sick of Mike because the writers forget that he hangs out with them half the time anyway. They decide it’s time to set Mike up with someone to get his mind off Judith.
They pick Sally, the inexplicably hot vending machine girl…yeah, vending machine girl. Come on, you couldn’t even make her a waitress or bartender or some shit? Well, I guess I asked for this when I committed to reviewing this series. In any case, she quite literally wants to fuck Mike right now but he blows her off, and not in the good way, telling her that he’s dating someone.
Screech, meanwhile, tries to set Mike up with Clara, the stereotypical lunch lady.
She does the sensible thing and starts sexually harassing Mike. Mike throws her the fuck off and tells the boys to quit with trying to alternately set him up with hot and old ladies.
Back at the suite, the girls agree to help the boys with Mike as long as Zack Morris agrees to let the girls play poker any time they want. Their plan basically consists of letting Mike know that Judith likes Emily Dickinson and then randomly dialing her. Yeah, seriously, that’s their plan. Fortunately, Judith is trying to make the plot advance as well so she buys Mike’s bull shit about Emily Dickinson and agrees to go out with him on Friday.
So Judith comes over to Mike’s place where he cooks him dinner. He keeps spouting random facts about Emily Dickinson and she finally tells him to shut the fuck up about Emily Dickinson already since he’s so superficially not intelligent. He also shows her how his thumb has no joint due to injuries and shit.
Judith admits to Mike she’s intimidated to be dating a guy she’s supposed to believe is so hot and Mike tells her he’s doing what the writers want and doesn’t know what to say about dating an intelligent woman since he prefers women with big boobs normally, like the one he turned down earlier.
Meanwhile, the girls return to karate class with Kelly ready to be fondled by Master Hammer and Leslie and Alex jealous that she’s ready to be used by an inappropriate man, which seems to be a theme with Kelly in the franchise. By completely contrivance, though, Master Hammer broke his arm and got a volunteer…
…in the form of Helga, an overly masculine woman who proceeds to beat the crap out of Kelly. Leslie and Alex run out, deciding that karate isn’t so fun without a hot guy to inflict injury on them. And thus ends the girls love karate subplot.
Back at the suite, Leslie and Alex join the poker game but Jerry Russo gets sick of girly things like children and emotions being brought into a poker game, saying he wants to save that for his future Disney Channel show. He storms off, declaring that they’ll play in his room next week and they’ll make it a “No Gurlz Allowed” party again.
Kelly comes in, saying she smelled smoke from Mike’s room.
They run out and find the hallway engulfed in smoke coming from Mike’s room. Turns out he burned dinner while getting some something something from Judith and he closes the door to have what I assume will be a one night stand since we never see her again.
And our episode ends with resident idiot Screech crawling around on the floor, not paying attention to the fact no one is with him and still believing the dorm is on fire. Oh, if only it was and you were trapped inside, Screech. Anything to get you out of this franchise.
During the credits, we get more of the girls practicing karate and throwing themselves at Master Hammer.