The College Years Episode 4: “Rush Week”

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In the cold opening, Zack Morris tells us via monologue that it’s Rush Week, as the episode’s title would imply, and freshman are being rushed by fraternities and sororities. Given his predilections, however, he’s more inclined to rush this random girl who turns his head for no discernible reason when there are a ton of others girls in the hallway. In any case, he’s sad that transgender rights haven’t quite caught up enough for him to join a sorority so he’s going to spend the episode obsessing over frats instead, because we need even more evidence Zack Morris is a complete douche bag. Oh, and he lifts the leg of his pants up, causing the audience to lose their shit since they’ve apparently never seen a bare leg before.

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Zack Morris enters the suite to find Slater talking to a guy who’s desperately trying to bring cardigan sweaters back into style. This guy is Rick, and, though Zack Morris initially blows him off, Zack Morris soon discovers he’s from Sigma Alpha, the best professional agriculture sorority around! Okay, no, in the Engle-verse, Sigma Alpha is actually Cal U’s hottest frat full of douche bags so, naturally, Zack Morris wants in. Rick only wants Slater because he’s a jock and testosterone and shit, so Zack Morris pretends to be a hockey player so Rick will think he’s a jock, too. You dip shit. You were once the best cross country runner at Bayside. How soon the bad writers on this show forget there’s actually little difference between Zack Morris and Slater.

Of course, the kicker is that Rick’s a hockey player, too, so he tells Zack Morris he’ll see him tomorrow at tryouts. Oh, how hilarious. Now Zack Morris has to try out for hockey. Wait, that would be a better plot than what follows. Naturally, I don’t believe for a second that Rick’s really a hockey player but I suspect the writers have never watched a hockey game in their lives so whatever.

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After the opening credits, Mike’s suddenly taking way too much of an interest in the gang’s life and is stoked that Slater’s going to be in Sigma Alpha because he was in Sigma Alpha, too. Somehow Mike has gone from tough authoritarian guy to wanting to be one of the gang in just a few episodes. Quite a feet considering it took Mr. Belding quite a few more episodes than that to achieve that level of boundary crossing.

Oh, and there’s a running gag throughout the episode that Mike supposedly pulled off an awesome prank for the Sigma Alphas of taking the clapper out of the bell in the bell tower, causing the bell to not ring. Yeah, it’s not funny and no one laughs about it except the audience. It even stumps Screech, which takes talent to do considering his level of dumb assery.

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Zack Morris arrives back from hockey tryouts beat because he actually went through with trying out for a sport completely out of his league. He’s so desperate to get into Sigma Alpha he’d suck Rick’s cock to get in. Instead, he sucks up to Mike and Mike promises he’ll put in a good word for Zack Morris. Screech, for some reason, thinks this means him as well and Mike has to be the one to break it to Screech that no one likes him and, in the real world, he’d never get into a fraternity. Hell, he probably wouldn’t have friends in real life.

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But, wait, the girls need their own Greek life subplot so Alex has inadvertently been invited to the party for Beta Delta, a completely made up sorority but at least they didn’t use the name of a real one. Leslie’s mother was in Kappa Theta which means she automatically gets rushed for it. Conveniently, Kelly wants into Kappa Theta, too. Also, by a huge contrivance, Beta Delta and Kappa Theta are rivals at Cal U which means Kelly and Alex get to really hate each other for no reason this episode and oh god why the fuck do I have to review this stupid shit? I hated Greek life when I was in college and this stupid episode isn’t helping!

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In the student union, Rick randomly joins Zack Morris and Slater after Zack Morris has been begging Slater to put in a good word for him. Slater tells Rick Zack Morris should be in Sigma Alpha and Rick’s all like, “Okay!” Well, that was the easiest resolution to a plot ever! Can we end the episode now?

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Of course not because this is the part of the episode where the plot suddenly shifts to being about Screech’s constant idiocy! Yes, he comes in making balloon animals so Zack Morris and Slater have to shoo him off because he’s making them look bad in front of Rick. The idiot verses the douche bag. You know, considering what I know about Screech, I would probably pick the douche bag, too.

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Back in the suite, Leslie overhears Zack Morris and Slater talking shit about Screech because neither of them want to be anywhere near him. I’m beginning to see how he got transferred to Bayside after a year at college: no one could stand him anymore. Leslie’s all, “I’m going to judge your complicated relationship with a guy you’ve known for years even though I still barely know you!” and tells them they’re being pieces of shit to Screech. They’re all, “You don’t understand! This is his sixth year in this franchise! We’re beginning to crack and don’t know how much more of his idiocy we can take!”

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They briefly consider telling Screech to fuck off away from the Sigma Alpha open house but then find Screech on the phone with his father telling his father how he’s going to be in a fraternity and that it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to him! Never mind that Screech created artificial life, graduated valedictorian, dated Tori Spelling, and briefly had psychic powers. Being in a club of douche bags is the best thing that’s ever happened to him!

After a commercial break, Zack Morris and Slater decide to make Screech cool and shit. They change his name to Brad because both Screech and Samuel suck ass. Also, despite using Screech’s real name in the past, Zack Morris doesn’t seem to know it. They try to help Screech with his hobbies and shit and even try to show him how to walk like a real cool dude, causing the audience to lose their shit even more than Zack Morris showing his leg.

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Naturally, Screech is a lost cause because he sucks at life.

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They even bring the girls in to give Screech a fashion makeover, which gives Kelly and Alex a chance to fight some more and advance their stupid subplot. Jesus fucking Christ. I’m watching these people dress Screech. Are they going to do anything actually plot related in this episode or would I have a better time masturbating with sandpaper and lemon juice?

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Oh, good, let’s cut to the Sigma Alpha party so we can see Mike continue to talk about his stupid bell story while the Sigma Alphas obsess over Mike being an adult and being at Cal U.

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The boys come in and, since people in the Saved by the Bell universe can only remember stuff when it’s convenient to the plot, they don’t remember they’ve met Screech before and believe the stupid story that Screech is actually Brad. We have some more stupid frat stuff as Zack Morris convinces people too stupid to be at college that Screech is a real cool dude while Screech tells the same people they can’t see his underwear. Yeah, no kidding.

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Kelly and Alex even pretend to fight over Screech’s hot body and it gives them yet another opportunity to advance their stupid “fighting over sororities” subplot.

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Screech concludes his time at the party by bringing his stupid animal balloons back out. IS THIS FUCKING EPISODE OVER YET?!?!

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Back in the boys’ room, Screech, in cow skin pajamas, continues to obsess over his stupid animal balloons. Sigma Alpha seems to be the fattest acting frat in the history of Greek life since they immediately come in and grab the three of them to take them off for initiation: sliming them. Yeah, no very special episode about hazing here. Just slime.

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Unfortunately for Screech, they bring him back in and tell him his sliming was a mistake. They don’t want him in their frat because he sucks ass and shit, leaving him devastated to learn that no one likes him and destined to try to find acceptance with the next generation of Bayside’s youth.

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At the Sigma Alpha house, Zack Morris and Slater try to convince Rick and the others that Screech doesn’t suck ass quite as much as they think he does but Rick’s all, “We don’t want future felons among our ranks.” This leaves Zack Morris and Slater to consider their future in the Sigma Alphas.

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Kelly finds Mike mopping up the remnants of the Sigma Alpha initiation and he tells her he’s decided that frats aren’t so great when you’re in your forties so he probably won’t be participating with Sigma Alpha any longer since he is supposed to be the mentor figure.

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Kelly spots the Kappa Thetas coming and they tell Leslie they’ve come to rush her. Leslie tells them she’s been surprised to find out over the last few days that frats and sororities are stupid cliques that no one need be a part of so she’s decided to join. Kelly’s devastated to find out that they don’t want her because plot, and Alex comes out to join the little pity party they’ve got going because she didn’t get into the Beta Deltas either so this subplot has just been completely stupid.

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They’re ready to write off sororities as completely stupid when Pi Tsi , yet another made up sorority, comes to rush both Kelly and Alex.

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Naturally, this makes them do a complete turnabout and jump in place dramatically for the camera since there will never be a better thing in the history of anything.

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Leslie decides to leave the end of the stupid sorority subplot to find Screech sitting depressed on the couch. She tries to comfort him since she doesn’t yet realize he’s not worth comforting and tells him  she turned down a rush since frats and sororities are stupid and shit.

Zack Morris and Slater come in and tell Screech that they’re not Sigma Alphas either and that they were rushed by accident. Screech thinks this is wonderful since they can all be independents together and shit.

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Leslie tells Zack Morris her bullshit detector on him is finally working and she realizes he lied to Screech, but that it was sweet what he did. He naturally takes this to mean that she wants to fuck his brains out and she tells him to go shower first and find out what’s going on in the boys’ room so we can finally end this stupid episode.

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Rick and the Sigma Alphas come in and tell Screech they’re forced to take him given that they’re such douches no one else wanted to be a Sigma Alpha. Screech is initially reluctant but Zack Morris and Slater encourage him to go with them, where he’s slimed off screen. It won’t be until his porno that he’s slimed on screen.

Mike comes in upset that the Sigma Alphas have, once again, messed up his floor and tel Zack Morris and Slater that they better fucking help him mop it up because plo.

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And our episode ends with Screech randomly coming in and jumping in Mike’s arms post-slime.  What a stupid fucking episode and may we never hear about Sigma Alpha again since I’ve already reviewed the episode of The New Class that’s kind of a sequel to this one.

vlcsnap-error563During the credits, we get more stupidity involving how balloon animals suck ass while we get an extended version of Screech jumping in Mike’s arms and wiping his spooge all over Mike’s masculine pecs. How disturbing.

Firsts: Sigma Alpha.

4 responses to “The College Years Episode 4: “Rush Week”

  1. Zack already learned the lesson that fats are douchy with the Rigmas. Or does he not remember anything about Indiana?

    • ILovedKellyKapowski

      Zack Morris doesn’t seem to remember a lot of things: being a cross-country runner, Mikey, Nikki, Miss Bliss, Tori Scott, Andrea Larson (from Hawaii), Laura Benton (homeless girl), and NEVER EVER trust Screech with ANYTHING.

  2. ILovedKellyKapowski

    Why is Mike mopping up slime? Doesn’t Cal U have custodial staff who do that? If they’re union, Mike’s in deep shit.

    I still don’t understand why Sigma Alpha had to accept Screech. Did they have a retard quota to fill? (Fuck Affirmative Action!) Obviously, they regretted it, and conspired with Dean McMann to trick Screech into a “work/study program” just to get rid of his dumb ass.

  3. Isn’t the woman in the first pic from the clip you put up there Lisa Ann Russell, Mark Paul Gosselaar’s first (and hotter) wife?

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