Oh yay we’re back at the hospital this week. How joyful. And given there are paramedics wheeling someone in, this must be the emergency room since paramedics typically don’t stick around long enough to wheel patients up to rooms.
Naturally, this means that Mr. Belding, Screech, and the gang just walk right in as if anyone’s supposed to be there. Of course, the more likely explanation is that the writers of The New Class understand how hospitals work about as much as high schools. Oh, incompetence, thy name is Carl Kurlander this episode.
Mr. Belding tells the gang they’re all fortunate enough to be main characters because it means they get to do their community service at Palisades Hospital. Well, I mean they did put one extra in there but it’s a really pathetic attempt to not make the entire situation contrived and written just to get our gang in yet another.
Yes, this is the episode that should have aired before last week’s episode introducing the hospital scenario. The sad part is that they aired on the same fucking morning! God, the idiocy of NBC. All I can do is shake my head.
Mr. Belding tells the gang he wants them to be careful because there are sick people at the hospital. Naturally, Screech immediately knocks shit out of…I haven’t any fucking clue what this woman is supposed to be. Doctor? Nurse? Orderly? Dietician? It’s like the props department just threw everything they could find at her that might be found in a hospital in hopes of convincing viewers this is real. It’s pretty sad.
Apparently a doctor is in charge of assigning volunteer spots in a hospital because doctors don’t have any better things to do, like check on patients. Naturally, the assignment is along gender lines, since girls have cooties and shit. The boys get to be orderlies and the girls get to work in patient services. Asian extra who was brought along just gets to wander off the set since we don’t want to acknowledge he’s there.
Rachel doesn’t want to work in patient services, though, and convinces the doctor to let her work in the gift shop.
So we can get a subplot going, a nurse comes up and tells the doctor that his volunteer for his sleep deprivation study cancelled. Mr. Belding decides this is the perfect opportunity for him to have something to do and and agrees to stay up for forty-eight hours straight and be a patient in the hospital because he doesn’t have anything better to do like be a principal at the school or supervise his incompetent administrative assistant.
In the gift shop, Maria and Katie brag about all the sick people they’ve seen so far in the hospital while Rachel obsesses with flowers. Rachel tells them to shut the fuck up because they’re grossing her out, not because they’re being disrespectful to the patients they’re serving. Way to have your priorities straight, Rachel.
Rachel’s supervisor asks her to run flowers up to a patient’s room. She’s hesitant at first but then Ryan comes in so she decides to take advantage of him to mak him her human slave. Before he takes it up, though, he complains of a stomach ache and asks for something for it. Uh, oh! I smell more contrivance!
In Mr. Belding’s room, our nurse tests Mr. Belding’s coordination and ability to spell his name backwards. Screech, being a completely incompetent moron, starts throwing balls at Mr. Belding and helps him recite his name. The nurse, no doubt eager to get off this stupid fucking show, ends the test without Mr. Belding actually proving he can do anything.
Everyone leaves the room so Nicky and Eric come in to clean up Mr. Belding’s room. Eric doesn’t want to wear an orderly’s smock because they look dweebish so the nurse tells him to quit being an idiot and just wear one.
Nicky cleans the restroom while Eric shows his incompetence in operating a bed.
Fortunately for him, his latest one episode love interest, Ashley, comes in and assumes he’s a patient because plot and tells him that she’s there to give him lots of hot fucking to make him feel better. Eric shoos Nicky off and we have another stupid subplot.
In the cafeteria, Maria and Katie make good lunch conversation by talking more shit about their patients. Rachel tells them to shut the fuck up already. Ryan, meanwhile,collapses in pain about as well as you’d expect an actor on this show to, and the gang sans Rachel rush him to the emergency room, with Rachel saying she’ll catch up.
We have a new doctor to recap to Ryan and Nicky what she says she told his parents off screen: that it could be kidney stones or appendicitis. Priorities, guys. I think hiring actors to be Ryan’s parents would have been justified in this case. In any case, he’ll need more tests to determine what’s wrong. The doctor says his friends are waiting in the hallway for him, and the rest of the gang sans Rachel come in. I guess it makes sense that Nicky was allowed in since he is Ryan’s stepbrother but it’s still stupid we don’t see Ryan’s parents at any point this episode.
The rest of the gang come in and Ryan’s first question is where Rachel is. Maria says Rachel will meet them there when her shift at the gift shop is over.
Before we have time to question why Rachel’s not at Ryan’s side, the last thing you want to see when you’re not feeling well comes in bearing flowers. I think that would make me not want to be resuscitated. Oh, and Mr. Belding’s having trouble staying awake. How fun.
Back in the cafeteria, Katie tells Rachel they may have to operate on Ryan. Rachel says she’ll have to write him a note and, since she offers no other explanation why she’s being so insensitive, Maria pries it out of her. Rachel has a nice, contrived fear of hospitals because she once broke her leg and had to go to a hospital and then her grandmother died in a hospital. Maria and Katie agree to go with Rachel to Ryan’s room to help her get over this stupid plot point. The magic word in this episode is contrivance!
Eric spots Ashley and, though he initially wants to tell her the truth, he hears her tell an old woman how she isn’t there to socialize. So, he hops in a wheelchair and wraps a blanket around him, telling Ashley he’s just so lonely and needs her to give him more hot fucking. She agrees to stop doing lame things with old women and come give Eric what he really needs. Nicky reminds Eric he doesn’t have a room so he decides to use Mr. Belding’s room again.
Nicky pushes Ryan and asks for his stereo in case he dies. Nice, caring relationship they have there. Nicky assures Ryan that Rachel’s supposed to come visit him that afternoon, and we move on to other exciting plots.
Like Mr. Belding singing “Itsy Bitsy Spider” to stay awake. Good lord, why don’t they all just look at the camera smiling for thirty minutes. It would be a lot more exciting than this. Mr. Belding asks Screech to get him more coffee, promising he won’t try to take a nap.
Naturally, he breaks his promise just to complicate Eric’s subplot. Eric shoos him out, citing there are cooties in the next room. No, really, cooties. That’s not even an exaggeration.
Eric hops in bed as Ashley comes in to give him hot fucking and shit. Unbeknownst to him, just outside the door is Screech, who can’t find Mr. Belding and assumes he’s taking a nap inside. Our resident dumb ass’s solution?
Open the door and throw a bucket of ice without even looking who you’re throwing it at first! Oh, Screech, you will one day earn a well-deserved Darwin award. Ashley tells Screech he’s a fucking moron for doing that to a patient but Screech spills the beans that Eric is a volunteer. Ashley gets pissed since she only gives hot fucking to patients and marches out of the room.
Maria and Katie escort Rachel onto the hospital floor. She makes it to Ryan’s room but then freaks out when she walks in and sees a tube in him since the writers need five more minutes of material for this episode. Also, Nicky says that Ryan needs an operation tomorrow.
In the cafeteria, Rachel looks despondently that she can’t go see Ryan. Mr. Belding comes in and gives her a typical speech about how she needs to get over her fear and realize good things happen at hospitals, like babies being born and sick people getting better. Well, if this plot wasn’t so contrived, Rachel would fucking realize this as she was sick at a hospital and got better and she cites this as half the reason she’s scared of hospitals! God I hate this show!
Rachel leaves and Mr. Belding tries to take a nap but is immediately awakened by Screech with a cowbell. Saturday Night Live was wrong: this is one time we don’t need more cowbell. We need less Screech.
Eric tries to apologize to Ashley but she says that he’s an asshole for pretending to be a patient for hot fucking since that old lady she was with needed hot fucking too and is an actual patient.
In the very next scene, Rachel goes to visit Ryan because she searched her heart and realized phobias are super easy to get over since this is contrivance city. They do bonding over their love of each other and Ryan says he’d rather Rachel have his stereo instead of Nicky, because Ryan has his priorities in line.
The next day, Ryan comes out of surgery okay since he still has a season and a half left on this show. We finally find out that Ryan had appendicitis and everything’s okay because Rachel learned how easy fear is to get over! It’s nice to know that the hospital lets unrelated members of the cast see Ryan before his own parents. To wrap things up for Eric, Ashley joins the gang and tells Eric she heard he gave the old woman hot fucking, which was really sweet, and so everything is great between them. Maybe they can even get hot fucking later. And, just for good measure, Eric gives us a gay panic joke about not kissing Ryan after Rachel completes the task.
And our episode ends with Mr. Belding falling asleep just as his forty-eight hours of being awake is complete, rendering the entire subplot one entire joke since Mr. Belding ruined the sleep study. It’s so hilarious and, if you don’t think so, you must kill kittens.