In the cold opening, Slater’s obsessing over football cards because he’s looking for his Johnny Walters rookie card. Seems he wants to get it autographed and Zack Morris thinks that’s totally lame because he has to live out the trope of initially hating someone he’s going to love the rest of the episode.
Kelly gets in on the action, revealing she randomly has his underwear advertisement because that’s not creepy at all. Zack Morris doesn’t understand why people should love Johnny Walters so much since he puts on his underwear one leg at a time, just like him. Unfortunately, this is the part in the episode where we learn Screech doesn’t know how to put on underwear because he’s a complete moron.
Kelly wishes she could go to the alumni banquet tomorrow because she wants to obsess over Johnny Walters and how Cal U is going to retire his jersey. Kelly’s shown more interest in football over the last forty-seven seconds then she has in the past four years of the franchise because she’s proven that she likes a big…underwear advertisement.
Mike brings in a graded psychology test for Zack Morris. Turns out he’s a TA in one of Zack Morris’s classes and helped tutor him to a B. Our supposed genius from Bayside, ladies and gentlemen, proving he can’t ace an introduction to psychology class without tutoring and proving my point about SATs not predicting college performance. Zack Morris plans on having Mike help him on his term paper for the class but doesn’t want to start until next week because he suddenly cares about homecoming.
Mike, though, because he’s the straight-laced character the writers can’t figure out what the hell to do with, plans on studying because he’s the responsible one in the cast. Oh, and his buddy Johnny Walters is coming to visit, too, because it’s convenient to the plot to have him know Mike. Yeah, Mike played football with Johnny Walters at both Cal U and the 49’ers because that’s likely.
Kelly’s majorly freaked out she’s going to meet yet another fake celebrity because she’s already gotten to meet so many being a part of this franchise. Zack Morris thinks he’s lame, though, because he suddenly doesn’t like fake celebrities due to plot contrivance-itis.
Naturally, Johnny Walters enters and hears Zack Morris badmouth him, leading Zack Morris to break the fourth wall and ask why the studio audience can’t be useful for once and have inexplicable emotions around something that would make sense.
After the credits, Leslie’s obsessing over cleaning the suite because her parents are coming to visit. Naturally, Screech has a bicycle that he’s oiling in the middle of the living room, leading her to ask why he can’t take a day off from being a dumb ass. Slater tells him to get the fuck out because we don’t have time for him right now.
In case you forgot, Zack Morris reminds us how Leslie’s parents are big shots on campus, with halls named after them due to their donations. It’s going to be a subplot that I don’t give a damn about, isn’t it?
Speaking of subplots I don’t give a shit about, in her bat shit crazy scenario of the week, Alex is practicing to play Cal U’s mascot, a falcon. Slater says she’s fucking insane and she sulks off in protest that someone would dare point out the insanity of a character in this show.
Also, Leslie can’t figure out how to put an ironing board in the closet because it’s apparently hilarious that she doesn’t know how to fold it in.
Meanwhile, in typical Zack Morris fashion, he suddenly decides he loves Johnny Walters because he’s on the board of several corporations and might be able to help Zack Morris’s budding finance career he’s dreams of for six episodes.
Given this new knowledge, Zack Morris finds Johnny Walters in Mike’s room and starts his typical suck uppery under pretense of working on his paper with Mike. Zack Morris apologizes to Johnny, hoping he can still get some selfish gain out of it.
Johnny asks Mike to introduce him at the alumni dinner, which doesn’t matter at all because they won’t revisit this plot thread the rest of the episode. Johnny invites Zack Morris out to lunch with him and Mike so they can grow to love each other in an off-screen cliche.
Also, a running gag this episode is that Johnny talks about his exploits as a football player and no one gives a shit that Mike was involved in them as well. Yeah, it’s as monotonous and unfunny as it sounds.
Back in the suite, Slater apologizes to Alex for pointing out the obvious truth and offers to give her pointers on acting like a falcon.
This leads to…Screech joining them in acting completely bat shit insane. Jesus Fucking Christ. I’m watching half the cast of The College Years dance around a room like birds. This is scarier than any film Alfred Hitchcock could have ever made.
In the girls’ room, Leslie’s parents arrived off screen, and they’re engaged in yet another sitcom cliche: the rich snobs who pick apart everything, hating random things like that their daughter dare have to share a closet with two other girls, ragging on Kelly’s sense of fashion, and trying to set her up with a boy. Yeah, this is supposed to be developing character for Leslie as the rebellious daughter who broke class divisions, but it’s really just making me wish I could get drunk and forget about this episode.
Also, they discover that the people who live in the suite are insane and decide they need to get their daughter out of this bull shit as fast as possible.
Leslie lies to her parents about having a date to the alumni dinner and, after they leave, tells Kelly she would just love to bring someone that would completely freak them out.
And who better than Screech, dressed and ready to scoop up elephant poo. No, seriously, he’s dressed and ready to scoop up elephant poo in the homecoming parade. I think this is more than what’s necessary to shock Leslie’s parents. This is sufficient for them to have Leslie committed.
Leslie asks Screech to the dinner, fully admitting it’s to shock her parents, and he thinks it’d be a great idea to put his idiocy to good use.
In the student union, Kelly obsesses over Johnny as she has him sign the underwear ad. Naturally, they don’t show us where he signs it. Johnny decides he likes Zack Morris and wants to invite him to the alumni dinner. After Johnny leaves, Mike suddenly decides halfway through the episode that Johnny is flawed and, despite the fact they haven’t foreshadowed any character flaws in Johnny to this point, Mike insists that Johnny has flaws. I wonder if those flaws will be more Johnny Dakota or Rod Belding in origin.
Zack Morris also asks Leslie to the dinner and finds out he now ranks below Screech. That’s sad.
Alex comes in and lets Slater know that she got the role of mascot. To thank him, she invites him to the alumni dinner, which she’s now invited to because she’s the mascot and the mascot gets to go for some reason. He accepts because why the hell not.
So it’s time for the alumni banquet and, proving Kelly is always Zack Morris’s back-up plan, he brings her in Leslie’s place.
While Alex shows up in her falcon costume to take photos.
Screech is ready to act even more bat shit crazy than usual. Irnoically, when Screech tries to act bat shit crazy, he’s less successful than when he doesn’t try.
Johnny introduces Zack Morris to a random big shot and invite Zack Morris to golf tomorrow. He accepts, hoping something’s in it for him.
Slater makes Alex cry again by letting her know he’s ashamed to be on a date with a crazy woman dressed as a bird. I have no sympathy for Slater. He should have known what he was getting into with this one.
Leslie’s parents are horrified to discover their daughter is dating a man who makes Donald Trump look sane by comparison. They’ve had enough when Leslie says she’s engaged to Screech, and she finally admits this whole subplot is designed to piss them off. And this subplot ends with Leslie’s parents going into therapy as Screech implies their grandchildren will be named Itchy and Scratchy.
Zack Morris tells Mike about his invitation to play golf tomorrow. Mike reiterates to Zack Morris that there will be forced vices forced upon Johnny’s character even though they still haven’t even been hinted at other than Mike’s insistance that Johnny is a bad guy. Zack Morris walks off, pissed off because he thinks Mike is jealous of Johnny, which it does look like Mike is jealous of Johnny at this point to anyone who didn’t know this was Saved by the Bell.
Johnny invites Kelly to go downtown with him to an interview, excited that she gets to be with another fake celebrity.
Oh, and in the forced romance of the century, Slater makes up with Alex and lets her know that he’s decided that, since he dated a girl with bat shit crazy tendencies in high school, he figures he can do it in college as well and fuck that girl he was supposed to have liked last week. Now he can go for a person obsessed with dressing like birds instead of one obsessed with her Latino heritage. He proceeds to make out with his little falcon as a photo is snapped to help him remember this moment years from now when he looks back at it with shame.
The next day, Kelly reveals to Zack Morris that Johnny tried to fuck her but she said no because she’s saving herself for the inevitable relationship she’ll have with Zack Morris that viewers can see coming from a mile away.
He then goes and apologizes to Mike, who tells Zack Morris that we should all hate Johnny because he’s egotistical, selfish, and hits on girls off-screen. So…he’s exactly like Zack Morris! Mike says he is jealous of Johnny, though, because he still gets to play football while Mike has two bad knees. And our episode ends with Zack Morris insisting that Mike is a valuable member of The College Years cast despite the fact the writers can’t seem to figure out if they want him to be a mentor/authority figure or a seventh member of the gang.
During the credits, we get more of Leslie attempting to put the ironing board away. How thrilling.
Firsts: Slater likes Alex.