The College Years Episode 8: “Professor Zack”

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In the cold opening, Zack Morris listens to War and Peace being read by Joey Lawrence because he has a test in English and the best way to study is apparently to listen to an audio book of one of the most notoriously difficult novels ever written. Since he already has a B in this class, he should be able to without anyone giving a damn, but Professor Lasky gets upset when he realizes Zack Morris isn’t listening to his lecture on prehistoric housekeeping with rocks being better than stupid things like washers and dryers.

After Screech interrupts Lasky a few times with inane comments, he decides Zack Morris should come to his office and talk about the implications of not paying attention in class when, due to Lasky’s incompetence, he already has a passing grade.

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After the opening credits, Lasky lectures Zack Morris on the importance of learning in a class that he’s already passing. Lasky gets a phone call that his scooter is being towed so he leaves Zack Morris alone in his office so we can quickly establish the plot.

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And, wouldn’t you know it, in walks Jennifer, a girl who thinks anthropology is sexy as fuck. She’s looking for Lasky so he can autograph her copy of his book and, though she has a seeming obsession with him, has no idea what her idol looks like. Zack Morris takes advantage of this opportunity to possibly lose his cursed virginity at last and tells her that he’s Lasky, leading to instantly want to fuck Zack Morris’s brains out.

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At the suite, Mike and the girls get their subplot rolling, trying to raise money to buy a big screen television so Mike can watch lots of football. Mike wants to sell candy but Kelly thinks that idea is lame as fuck since you don’t get much money out of selling candy.

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Mike asks the girls if they have a better idea when in walks Slater to give Alex a chance to oogle his ass.  Alex suggests they sell a pin-up calendar. Leslie channels her inner quasi-feminist in the worst tradition of Jessie and declares that the idea is sexist and Kelly agrees with her so we can have a bit of conflict for a second. When Alex clarifies that she means exploiting the boys, Slater instantly volunteers and Mike, pissed off that no one ever wants anything to do with what he suggests, says they’ll just see who sells more since why the hell not.

Kelly likes the idea but Leslie declares that sexism can be towards men as well because she’s slightly more consistent about her quasi-feminism than Jessie but Kelly and Alex assure her that all men at Cal U will be able to pose for the calendar.

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Wouldn’t you know it: at that very moment, the face that even a mother couldn’t love walks in and Leslie invites our resident moron to pose for the calendar as she hopes to sabotage Kelly and Alex’s efforts just because she wants to be a dick apparently. Unfortunately for everyone who has no desire to lose the use of their vision, Screech declares that his mom sent him a new Speedo he can wear because God apparently hates me and wants to punish me.

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At the student union, Slater tries to convince Zack Morris to tell Jennifer he’s not really Lasky, but Zack Morris is all, “I want to get my dick wet!”

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After some lovely talk about fossilized cow dung, Jennifer declares randomly that she’s the chancellor’s daughter because we need some conflict to move this plot along since it would be too easy to just have it be a normal girl.

In class, Zack Morris tells Slater that all he has to do is keep away from Jennifer and she’ll get the hint and he won’t have to face the consequences of pretending to be a Cal U faculty member. Unfortunately, she’s stalking Zack Morris and shows up at class, which leads to Screech acting like a moron and nearly blowing the lid off Zack Morris’s lies to both Jennifer and Lasky. No one should ever tell Screech anything.

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Back at the student union, Mike threatens to kill a guy allergic to chocolate unless he buys lots of candy bars. Naturally, no one calls the police or file a formal complaint with the dean over this criminal behavior. Yeah, this will be a running gag throughout the episode: that Mike forced everyone at Cal U, including Lasky and the chancellor, to buy candy bars and no one cares about his unethical behavior.

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Meanwhile, Leslie tries to convince Kelly and Alex not to commit the mortal sin of photographing nearly naked men. She changes her mind, though, when Slater shows up and she decides she wants to watch Slater nearly naked.

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Slater suddenly develops modesty, though, and feels used and disgusted when Kelly and Alex first have him take his jacket off and then have him take off his shirt. Also, check out the extras in the background who have apparently never been touched by a man.

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Meanwhile, Slater shows up with his stupid bicycle to be photographed. God, shoot me now…

In Lasky’s office, Zack Morris asks Lasky what he would say if a student wanted to date him.

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He instantly teleports to the student union and tells Jennifer the answer: that it’s unethical for a student to date a professor. Jennifer says it totally makes her horny that Zack Morris is willing to give up love for his ethical principals, and says she’s going to her father first thing in the morning to tell him she’s quitting college so she can have Zack Morris inside her. Yeah, the only thing I can figure is that this is a lazy way of superficially setting up characterization for a later episode.

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Zack Morris decides it’s time to get rid of this psycho girl so, at the movie theater, he has Screech show up to annoy the fuck out of Jennifer, which would normally be a good plan. Unfortunately for him, Screech even manages to fuck up being annoying. Is there nothing that Screech can’t find a way to be an idiot about?

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Lucky for Zack Morris, he has a plan B: have Alex pretend to be his wife. This leads to Jennifer punching Zack Morris and then Alex punching Zack Morris since she’s not far behind Screech in the idiot category, and then a fake pregnant Kelly pushing Zack Morris into an old lady when she turns out to be plan C, and then an old lady punching Zack Morris. For once, I wish this was a plot that centered around Screech. There would be something so cathartic about seeing Screech punched multiple times.

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Back at the suite, the girls finish the calendar and break the news to Screech that he’s stupid and won’t be in the calendar. Also, Slater suddenly doesn’t like having his half naked body lusted after by women because this show doesn’t seem to give a damn about consistently characterizing Slater. Leslie has a solution that will satisfy both Slater and Screech.

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Yeah, somehow having Screech’s face on Slater’s body makes Slater’s body look a hell of a lot less attractive. Also, the girls raised $2,000 while Mike only raised $300, thus meaning the girls won and get to watch lots of stereotypical stuff young adult girls are supposed to watch in the mid-nineties like 90210 and Melrose Place.

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At Lasky’s office, Zack Morris returns books he borrowed to impress Jennifer. Lasky gets a call from the chancellor and starts to head over to his office. Zack Morris confesses that he pretended to be Lasky and Lasky acts pretty mellow for someone whose career could be in jeopardy.

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The chancellor grills Lasky but Lasky doesn’t turn in Zack Morris despite his level of assholery. Jennifer comes in and confirms that’s not the guy she wanted to fuck and the chancellor apologizes to Lasky as Jennifer goes into heat over the real Lasky because anthropology is sexy.

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Zack Morris rushes into the chancellor’s office and confesses to everything, apologizing to Lasky and Jennifer. The chancellor offers to discipline Zack Morris but, since this is Saved by the Bell, Zack Morris’s only punishment is to take Lasky’s place square dancing with senior citizens. Well…isn’t that special…

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Zack Morris is left alone in the chancellor’s office and our episode ends with Zack Morris considering whether to impersonate the chancellor in order to fuck a girl who thinks college chancellors are hot as fuck. And so we go back to the status quo for another week since Zack Morris never faces consequences for his actions.

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During the credits, we get a cut scene of Screech thinking he’s sexy during the photo shoot and more opportunity to see Zack Morris punched in the face.

6 responses to “The College Years Episode 8: “Professor Zack”

  1. In every episode but this one, to be admired by girls while wearing no shirt is Slater’s one ambition in life.

  2. Is Leslie’s plan the dumbest in SBTB history? Obviously there have been plans that are less plausible – any time someone can’t recognise their friend under a wig for instance – usually though there’s at least one person who benefits from a wacky scheme succeeding. In this case though, literally no one should be okay with Leslie’s plan.

    This is how it should have gone –

    LESLIE: “Wait, I have an idea that I think will make you both happy…….. Can you pass me the glue. ……..Well what do you think?”

    She holds up a photo with Screech’s head stuck over Slater’s.

    SLATER: “I don’t like it. I didn’t want to be treated like a piece of meat and now you’re just featuring my body? That’s not- no wait. Screech I know you want to be in the calendar, if you’re okay with it then yeah I guess it’s cool with me.”

    SCREECH: “I did yeah but look at it, this isn’t me. Thanks Leslie but no. Honestly if this was our calendar, would you’ve been happy if we’d cut out your head and stuck it on a swimsuit model’s body?”

    LESLIE: “No you’re right, it was a crass suggestion. Sorry guys. Screech let me go and talk to them see what I can do.”

  3. Was waiting for you to review this one. One of my favorites!

  4. ILovedKellyKapowski

    Jennifer is hot. The actress also showed up in a The New Class’s country club episode, the fake-Swiss guy used her to make Rachel jealous. She was also on Pacific Palisades, and a bunch of other stuff. It’s been 20 years, hopefully she’s aged gracefully.

    So did the girls ever buy their big screen TV? I don’t remember ever seeing a big screen TV in the suite after this episode.

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