The College Years Episode 9: “Screech Love”

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In our cold opening, Zack Morris obsesses over a random girl he sees next to Screech. Since it’s common knowledge that no woman will willingly touch Screech, Zack Morris assumes she’s single and decides to go after her using the fact she’s carrying a tennis racket as an ice breaker, but not before, unfortunately for him, the butt pirate himself comes over and flirts with him. Eww…

Saved by the Bell here takes another opportunity to prove they have no idea how to show rather than tell because, after Zack Morris leaves the table, Slater tells Screech that the girl Zack Morris wants to fuck is Linda Addington, one of the best tennis players in the United States. It seems like lots of washed up sports stars come to Cal U for its reputation in poor faculty-student boundaries and horrible frats.

 

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Zack Morris starts small talk with Linda and asks her to play tennis with him, interrupting her every time she tries to tell him she’s a good tennis player. She agrees and he goes away thinking she’ll be totally fuck him after she sees how awesome he is at tennis.

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After the credits, Zack Morris returns to the suite having been humiliated off camera by Linda, but she’s beautiful, rich, and famous, so he’ll still date her. Yeah, that scene where we hillariously see Zack Morris get his comeuppance? Not included because we have much more important subplots to worry about.

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Like Kelly and Leslie trying to get laid by sophisticated men. Yeah, no joke, this is their subplot, if you can even call it that: throwing a party so they can meet mature guys because women are nothing if they aren’t with a man.

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At the student union, Slater and Alex reveal their subplot: Slater thinks the play Alex is suddenly in sucks ass and doesn’t want to attend it anymore. And, besides, Alex hasn’t attended any of Slater’s wrestling meets so why should he show any interest in the things she likes? Alex agrees to attend one of Slater’s wrestling meets if he comes to her play one more time. We also learn that, since Alex is bat shit crazy, she doesn’t know the difference between professional wrestling and real wrestling and seems to think Slater’s going to be a WWE fighter.

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Meanwhile, Linda’s having trouble in astronomy so Zack Morris recruits Screech to tutor her since he is supposed to be smart and shit. She also impresses Zack Morris with the fact she’s shared bubble gum with the queen because…old lady gum!

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At the wrestling meet, Alex talks about how barbaric she thinks wrestling is while Mike and Kelly try to convince her wrestling is like ballet. Well, Slater did once do ballet to help out Zack Morris so I guess anything’s possible.

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Alex kisses Slater good luck so he won’t get hurt and Slater’s all, “I’m a masculine man so I can’t kiss girls! Wait…I have my gender norms backwards, don’t I?”

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Slater instantly shows how much he’s improved in wrestling over the past eight episodes by pinning his opponent within ten seconds. Mike comments how much better Slater’s wrestling is from the pilot and convinces Slater that Alex’s kisses are magic and make him wrestle better. We also find out Mike used to play football with a lizard in his shoe because cruelty to animals is magic!

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Back at the suite, Linda learns the difference between constellations and stars because she doesn’t understand first grade science I guess. Yeah, I took an astronomy class in college. If this is what Linda’s having trouble with, she’s not going to pass the test, even if Screech is able to magically help her study.

They commiserate over how they’re both outcasts because Linda’s beautiful and famous while Screech is a complete dumb ass. Yeah, they’re completely the same. Also, the audience proves once again they need to get laid more often because they literally lose their shit over Screech and Linda looking at each other. Zack Morris arrives to take Linda to the movies and Linda thanks Screech for a wonderful night of telling her things she should have learned in elementary school.

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The next night, Screech is late bringing Lina back following tutoring and Zack Morris is worried because they were supposed to go on a date that night and he needs to lose his cursed virginity. They arrive back, Screech revealing he took Linda for sexy stargazing at make-out point. Yeah, only Screech wouldn’t realize that the fogged up windows around him were’t the result of chain smoking. Also, am I the only one who finds it creepy Kelly’s commenting on all the inside knowledge of make-out point wearing a giant crucifix? Linda cancels on Zack Morris for their date

Zack Morris begins to believe that the impossible is happening: a woman finds Screech touchable. Yeah, this is something that inexplicably happens every once in a while. Zack Morris tells Screech that maybe he shouldn’t tutor Linda anymore now that she has a first grade knowledge of astronomy and Screech replies that ending their tutoring relationship should be up to Linda since she might want to get up to a second grade knowledge!

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At the student union, Slater tells Mike he’s still undefeated because of Alex’s magic kisses. Alex says she’s sick of wrestling and Slater says acting sucks ass so they insult each other in the stupidest way possible: by telling each other to break a leg and good luck. Alex runs out crying, upset that she never gets a good subplot on this show.

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Screech teaches Linda about Kepler’s Law using pool balls. He says, before long, she’ll have a middle school understanding of astronomy and she won’t need him any longer but she says she has equal ineptitude in biology so she might need Screech’s assistance for a long time, despite the fact that Screech is probably clueless on the difference between boys and girls.

Zack Morris comes in just as Screech is about to invite Linda to a lecture on Jupiter and tells her he got two tickets for them to the lecture because lectures are frequently so full they have to issue tickets. Screech looks devastated he won’t get to start the biology tutoring right away.

That night in the boys’ room, Zack Morris brags to Screech about taking Linda to make-out point for hot fucking and implies that Screech could never get Linda because no woman is that desperate. Screech packs his things and says he won’t live with anyone who thinks he can’t get women and, since it’s completely easy to switch rooms at college mid-semester , says he’s moving out, punching Slater on the way out for no reason. Too bad Slater doesn’t take that as an excuse to kick the living shit out of Screech.

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Screech decides the most reasonable course is to move in with Mike because, once again, the staff of Cal U have no sense of boundaries. Instead of telling Screech to fuck off and go settle his problems on his own, Mike lets Screech move in to his apartment. Naturally, Screech wastes no time in beginning to annoy the shit out of Mike because it’s what he does.

At yet another wrestling meet, Alex looks like she’s not showing up, making Slater nervous. She shows up at the last minute, though, and gives him one of her magical kisses as he starts his match. She soon discovers that his opponent’s girlfriend gives him magical kisses as well.

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Naturally, this leads to Alex and the girl getting into a giant cat fight because being overly invested in your man is the best thing you can do. When Slater tries to break up the fight, he’s disqualified, thus ending our “Alex has magical kisses” subplot.

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Back at the suite, the writers remembered that Kelly and Leslie were supposed to be having a subplot as well, so they talk about how much they want to fuck all the guys at their party. But Linda comes in and all the guys are obsessed with her because she’s rich and famous, proving to Kelly and Leslie that all guys are stupid and shit. Also, another thing that changed since the first episode is apparently that Mike suddenly dropped his no parties rule because he doesn’t show up wanting to obsess over Kelly and Leslie’s party.

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In Mike’s room, Mike can’t wait to have Screech out of his room as quickly as possible since his method of doing dishes involves taking a bath with the dishes in the tub. Eww…

Screech talks about how he misses one of the few women who have ever thought he wasn’t hideous. Mike tells him that maybe Screech doesn’t deserve Linda if he can’t tell her how he feels. He pushes Screech out and tells him to go tell her how he feels now so we can get this episode over with already!

Screech rushes into the party and tells Linda he likes her. Linda says that it’s not an appropriate time because he’s in his pajamas and he rushes out embarrassed.

 

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Zack Morris takes Linda into the hallway and says that, since there’s only a couple minutes left, he’s had a sudden change of heart and thinks that, since she’s dumb enough to like one of the most idiotic characters in the history of television, she can have Screech. He even tells her where to find him. He then proves how much of an asshole he still is by immediately picking up another girls and taking her to the party. Oh, Zack Morris, never stop looking at women as play things here for your amusement!

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She rushes to Mike’s room where she does something this actress won’t be proud of later in her career: kissing Screech. They profess their everlasting love for each other as the audience loses their shit, which is why Linda will never be mentioned again.

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Screech makes up with Zack Morris and Slater and decides to move back in, promising to be friends forever, or at least until he inadvertently takes a six year internship.

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And our episode ends with Mike bringing all of Screech’s shit back to the boys’ room because he wants Screech out of his life as quick as humanely possible.

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During the credits, Screech annoys Mike some more, and then tries to dry hump him. Yay for more things to talk to my therapist about.

10 responses to “The College Years Episode 9: “Screech Love”

  1. Poor Screech. St. Peter would bend over backwards to have a LTR for Slater or Kelly, Screech on the other hand, one and done. Oh well.

    I still think in my heart of hearts that Screech winds up with the Pink Power Ranger he took to the fake MTV Video Music Awards on TNC.

    With Girl Meets World and the upcoming Full House reboot, anyone else surprised St. Peter HASENT tried to reboot SBTB? Or a show that incorporates a little of all his shows?

    Zack and Kelly have a middle school or Bayside freshman aged son/daughter and the principle is Screech, with Vice Principal Sly Winkle or Maria Lopez. One of the teachers can be L Train from City Guys and the new basketball coach is former WNBA great Julie Conner from Hang Time. Or they could bring in Bob Golic has the football HC.

  2. ILovedKellyKapowski

    This episode bears a resemblance to the original series episode “Beauty And The Screech”:
    1. Zack Morris wants to fuck Kelly
    2. Kelly needs help with science class
    3. Zack Morris persuades Screech to tutor Kelly
    4. Kelly ends up liking Screech more than Zack Morris

    (All you have to do is replace “Kelly” with “Linda”)

    If Kelly wasn’t so busy trying to find sophisticated gentlemen to fuck, she could’ve warned Linda to stay the fuck away from Screech. Well, maybe she did off-camera, after the episode was over, and that’s why we never see Linda again.

    Or maybe Linda just became another one of serial killer Screech’s victims.

    By the way, is Linda Addington a real-life tennis player?

  3. Interesting about Kelly wearing a crucifix. I guess that’s proof that she’s Catholic (which is kind of a given anyway, considering she’s Polish and comes from a large family (the Catholic Church is against contraception)).

    As for knowing details of Make-Out Point, well, no one ever said she’s a good Catholic. Hehe.

    • Yeah, we know Screech is Presbyterian and Lisa is religious as well, if in name only, I don’t think we know what kind though. This I guess is good evidence of Kelly’s Catholicism. I can’t imagine Jessie being religious, and Zack is whatever religion gets him ahead in the moment. Do we know about Slater?

      • Slater has a “Mexican” father played by an Italian actor, so there’s a pretty good chance that he’s Catholic. For what it’s worth, Mario Lopez is Catholic.

        Fun fact about Kelly: everyone pronounces her last name wrong. The pronunciation that they use is the lazy American version. As I said, she’s Polish. The “a” in Polish (and probably all European and Asian languages) is pronounced as in “father”. The “o” is the short one that you hear in Spanish (as opposed to the drawn-out one in English). The “w” in Polish makes the “v” sound (they have a separate character for the “w” sound, which looks like an l with a little slanted line through the top). So Kelly’s last name is pronounced kah-POV-ski.

    • ILovedKellyKapowski

      I know a lot of people who wear a cross around their neck, and are completely non-religious. To them, it’s just a lower case “T”.

      • Well, Chris said it’s a crucifix, which is a cross with Jesus on it. Crucifixes are primarily worn by Catholics (I’m wearing one right now). Maybe Eastern Orthodox, too, but I’m not sure.

  4. 1. It takes a *special* kind of person to see someone carrying a tennis racket and, having never played tennis in your life, assume you can beat them handily.
    2. Kelly somehow is less mature in college than she was in high school!
    3. I had blocked out the image of Screech taking a bath with the dirty dishes, I only hope I can do so again.

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