In our cold opening, we learn that Kelly has taken a job at the campus student health center. Zack Morris shows up to collect some money that Kelly owes him and she reveals she’s broke. Zack Morris tells her no problem as Screech is such a dumb ass he’ll just find a way to scam the money out of him.
A medical emergency shows up in the lobby of the medical center rather than, say, the hospital where it would make sense because we need an excuse for Kelly to suddenly be drafted as a nurse since the medical center apparently doesn’t have anyone more qualified for medical assistance than the part-time front desk worker. Also, Zack Morris faints because he hates needles. What exactly was the point of this cold opening?
After the credits, Kelly tells Leslie and Alex how awesome it is to help save someone’s life and he even asked for her phone number! Saving lives is like super cool and stuff!
Alex has a new job as well: as a waitress at Skeeter’s, a sleazy restaurant in town, where she can make as much as $150 per hour. She’s decided she doesn’t mind showing the goods as long as she gets that sort of cash, though Kelly and Leslie are shocked she’s working for such a place, especially given Zack Morris, Slater, and Screech are hanging out there.
Which brings us to Screech’s subplot: being obliviously in love with a waitress at Skeeter’s who flirts with him for tips because he’s too much of a dumb ass to realize that no woman in her right mind would ever want to touch him. Oh, and I guess he already forgot about what’s her name from last week. I know I have.
And, speaking of subplots, Slater’s subplot will be holding double standards about not wanting Alex to work at Skeeter’s while simultaneously wanting to go to look at the girls’ goods. Oh joy. One of those subplots.
Meanwhile, Mike needs a subplot as well, and it turns out he’s been invited to try out for the 49’ers again because it’s really common for middle-aged washed-up former athletes to be invited to play professional football again. Mike’s initially hesitant so he crosses boundaries again in order for the boys convince him that he needs to try out the writers can pad out this episode a bit. How considerate of them. Mike says he’ll try out but the boys are helping him get in shape because no one wants to watch a plot with just Mike.
Also, strange enough, Screech is still helping Mike with his autobiography. Did Saved by the Bell actually remember a minor subplot from a previous episode? I think hell has frozen over.
Alex puts on her most revealing dress to interview at Skeeter’s while Leslie spouts quasi-feminism. Wait…I thought Alex said she had the job, not that she was going to interview. Make up your mind, plot!
Kelly studies for chemistry as Zack Morris comes out and shows he’s suddenly become really awesome at chemistry because he associates the women he dates with the periodic table since that’s all it takes to pass Chemistry at Cal U. Kelly reveals that, since working at the medical center, she’s decided she wants to go pre-med. Zack Morris tells her that’s just silly because she’s Kelly and she’s not supposed to be smart and stuff. He tells her to be realistic and do something easier, like replace Shannon Doherty on 90210. Because Zack Morris doesn’t ever give bad advice, she instantly abandons her hopes of becoming a doctor.
We next go to Alex’s first night at Skeeter’s. Wait, this is sleazy in the Saved by the Bell universe? Is this their answer to Hooter’s? Barely revealing dresses that look like something you should wear to a funeral? Seriously?
Well, in any case, lots of guys want to touch Alex’s breasts and she puts up with it because this is her assigned subplot this episode.
But Slater doesn’t like it or the fact that Alex is giving her peanuts away to the whole restaurant because being jealous is his thing.
Oh, and Screech’s waitress, Debbie, comes around and calls him “Sugar Britches” a bit more. Oh, now I see how this place is humiliating: waitresses being forced to hit on Screech! Oh the humanity!
Zack Morris goes to hit on a random hot waitress he can only see the back of and is surprised to learn that it’s Kelly. Yes, Kelly took Zack Morris’s advice so seriously she decided to get a job at Skeeter’s because she’s now living for the money.
Alex is already fed up with being hit on so she throws a drink at a guy who didn’t even do anything to her. When he threatens to go to the manager, she quits, thus ending the most pointless subplot ever. Also, Screech throws more money at Debbie, thinking he’s going to marry her in an epilogue movie in Las Vegas.
The next morning, Screech wakes up Zack Morris and Slater at 5:00 am to help Mike practice.
And so we get a montage of Mike doing random things to train for football with non-professional athletes, which I’m sure will be really helpful when he’s practicing with guys much younger and stronger than himself. And so we get to watch two minutes of Mike’s mullet bouncing around wand stare at his legs in his way too short shorts. I think the only thing worse I’ve seen in this franchise is the time Screech posed in a speedo for that calendar.
Now that I have that nightmare in my subconscious, let’s rejoin Kelly, who’s busy being lectured by Leslie with regards to her choice of job. Kelly tells Leslie she’s a spoiled little girl who doesn’t have any concept of what work’s like and convinces her to fill in for Kelly at the student health center since Kelly apparently forgot to quit her other job and since the writers of this franchise still think that people can get substitutes for their jobs when they want to take time off.
Leslie soon finds the job difficult as she’s apparently a glorified secretary or some shit and also has to change bed pans. And, since she’s a spoiled rich girl when it’s convenient to the plot, she finds the work difficult and offensive.
Zack Morris comes in, nursing an injury from practicing with Mike. He won’t say what his injury is but he apparently hurt his penis as he says it’s something he doesn’t want to discuss with a girl. Since there’s no testosterone at the health center, he goes away, suddenly feeling better since girls don’t know anything about penises, even female doctors.
Kelly comes in and tells Zack Morris and Leslie she’s quitting at the health center because she only wants to work at Skeeter’s.
Back at the suite, Mike’s off to try out but Slater says he’s too cheerful for football right now. The boys help Mike get pissed off so he can channel that in practice. Naturally, the only one of them capable of pissing off Mike is Screech. Unfortunately, Mike takes his anger with him to practice rather than murdering Screech where he stands.
At the student union, everyone decides to be judgmental of Kelly working rather than taking class seriously. She tells them she has a future working for a sleazy restaurant and she’s good at it so fuck school!
At Skeeter’s, Screech finally discovers no woman really wants to touch him, especially Debbie, when he sees Debbie flirting with another guy. And thus ends the Screech subplot.
Zack Morris tells Kelly he’s an idiot and she should have learned by now not to take anything he says seriously. He thinks she can do pre-med now and has a chemistry test to prove it. Turns out Kelly got an A, which is suddenly incentive for her to come to Jesus and turn her life around. Hallelujah!
We wrap up Mike’s subplot by learning that Mike made the team but choose not to be on it. He could only think of his thesis for his master’s degree while he was trying out so he decided he’d rather be on this show that’s sure to last more than one season, right? But he leaves the room and falls into Screech’s arm. Rather than this being a homoerotic admission from Mike, it’s because he’s full of shit and a broken man after trying out with younger players. He asks Screech to take him to the medical center and threatens his life if Screech says anything about it. Oh, Mike, you cock tease!
Leslie and Alex are worried Kelly didn’t sleep in her bed because they were hoping for some cuddles. Kelly comes in and says she quit Skeeter’s and they just missed her because she got up early.
Kelly thanks Zack Morris for correcting his previous bad behavior.
And our episode ends with…Zack Morris kissing Kelly? Odd, is this an out of order episode? What the fuck is up with them kissing just out of the blue? I don’t understand any of this shit!
During the credits, we get to see more of our dumb training montage because two minutes wasn’t nearly enough time for it.