Monthly Archives: December 2015

The New Class Season 4, Episode 25: “Fire at the Max, Part 1”

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Ah, Christmas at The Max! Unfortunately for me, Santa didn’t bring me the cancellation of this awful show. Well, there’s always next Christmas, if I’m so lucky. But it’s nice to see the writers of this show know the climate of Southern California so well they dressed our gang like they’re expecting snowfall any moment. Way to fuck up in the first few seconds there, guys.

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But the plot contrivance fairy did visit because Ryan, the guy who’s been characterized the last two seasons as being lazy and refusing to get a job is now working at The Max, and there’s absolutely no reason for it except that it’s convenient to the plot. I seriously think this is the laziest this show has ever sunk. The only way they could have done worse is have Screech spontaneously combust and cause the titular fire. Oh, wait, that would have been awesome! Best episode ever!

In any case, Ryan has Maria spying to find an awesome present for Rachel, and Rachel does the same with Nicky to find a present for Ryan, and vice versa. God, that’s hurting my head. Wouldn’t it have just been easier to fucking ask them what they wanted for Christmas?

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Also, Mr. Belding and Screech are randomly working at a Christmas tree lot because school administrators have so much free time when school is still in session. Oh, yeah, school is still in session, as evidence by some scenes at Bayside this episode. And, yeah, they provide the Christmas tree for The Max, and there’s some unfunny physical comedy as Screech acts like a dumb ass and makes Mr. Belding carry it all in.

Ryan decides it would be awesome to have a party at The Max and they’ll just put their presents to each other under the tree because none of them have homes of their own any longer.

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At the Teen Machine, the Glee Club practices for their upcoming Christmas concert. Yeah, of all places, we’re practicing at a for-profit club instead of in a classroom at school. Also, Screech continues to be a dumb ass when it comes to directing the Glee Club as he flails his arms around in the air like he’s a drunk guy directing air traffic and holds up random props for “Twelve Days of Christmas.” I guess some things never change except when they’re convenient to the plot, like Screech being competent.

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So everyone goes into the mall to buy presents, but the contents of the presents don’t really matter at all. Seriously, they don’t, except for the fact Eric’s a greedy ass and bought lots of presents for himself. Also, Rachel bought Ryan what are obviously skis and walks around hitting everyone in the mall with them because she wants her last two episodes to be classy.

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Meanwhile, Screech harasses a snooty lady over a salami log for Mr. Belding because he likes to eat. Maybe this is how Dennis Haskins gained so much weight over the years: Screech just kept feeding him incessantly. It’s as good an excuse as any I guess.

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At The Max, no one’s seen a Christmas tree before so they’re all shocked into awe to see that it’s possible to put lights around a dead piece of wood. They all decide to go have a circle jerk or some shit, but Ryan has to stay behind and lock up.

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The pay phone rings and Ryan answers it, not understanding that’s not the business phone. At least I hope it’s not considering how much kids have kept it tied up over the years. I assumed it would be someone breathing heavily and asking Ryan what he’s wearing, but, instead, it’s the store saying they’ve found a sweater in Rachel’s size. So, since the only thing you need to do to lock up a restaurant is turn out the lights, Ryan locks up. Geez, we’re lucky there wasn’t a grease fire that burned everything down. But, if any robbers are in the area, they can stop in as The Max doesn’t seem to have any closing cash procedures either. Oh, wait, it’s because no one ever buys anything.

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But, no, the tree spontaneously combusts. They’ll try to convince us that the lights caught fire because Ryan didn’t shut them off but, unless someone put lights in the middle of the tree, I’m not buying it. It was a miracle of St. Peter Engel.

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At Bayside, Ryan and Nicky are the last ones to hear about what happened at The Max but, yeah, The Max burned down. Also, fire trucks are still there because I guess it was such a bad fire it took ten to twelve hours to put out.

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Screech is devastated that the place where he hung out with the only six people who could stand him in high school has burned down, and Mr. Belding says the fire department magically knows they were the last eight to be in The Max before the fire, so they’re going down to an unsafe building at lunch to talk to the firemen and that maybe they’ll even let Screech turn on the siren to make him feel better.

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Yeah, this is the building that took so long to put out a fire: one where the exterior walls are still standing and the walls and furniture look salvageable. Hell, we can see the fucking Christmas garland still hanging in the background. Have the writers of this show never seen a building after a major fire before or do they just not give a shit? Why am I asking this question? Either way, it sucks!

Also, tragedy upon tragedy, the gang’s booth is no more and their Christmas presents were burned up to the point they’re still recognizable. Oh, the contrivance is strong in this episode!

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And meet Mr. Russell, the first owner of The Max we’ve seen in eight years. Mr. Belding makes small talk about being sorry The Max burned down but Mr. Russell says not to worry because he had insurance. Besides, he bought it for a steal from a shitty magician who liked to stick poultry in his pants.

The fire captain says the start of the fire was Christmas tree magic, and Ryan remembers he didn’t turn off the Christmas tree lights. Thus, the plot for the rest of the episode is that Ryan feels like shit because The Max has shitty closing procedures.

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At the Teen Machine, the gang are depressed that their new hangout is a shitty club that, until a couple episodes ago, wasn’t even open on weekdays. Ryan doesn’t feel guilty enough so everyone talks shit about him saying he’s a worse screw-up than Screech. So, of course, since we’re all about contrivance, Ryan hears every word they say and says they’re absolutely right about his idiocy.

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Screech has a breakdown about The Max and can’t flail his arms like a moron for the Glee Club, too, so practice is cancelled to continue the plot as Ryan runs off to blame himself.

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Back at Bayside, Ryan cashes in savings bonds to buy everyone presents and the same people who just called him a fuck up a few minutes ago now think he’s going too far in the guilt trip.

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Lucky for the plot, the gang aren’t running the school newspaper this episode, so two nerds run up and interview Ryan about what it’s like to be the person who burned down the second most frequently used locale on Saved by the Bell. To make things worse, Mr. Belding reveals that he’s now the confidante of Mr. Russell and has found out that Mr. Russell doesn’t intend to rebuild The Max, seeing an opportunity to split town and move to another show that doesn’t rely on tired cliche and paper thin plots, not to mention a chance to abandon the place where no one ever buys anything and which the school system randomly commandeers at their pleasure.

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After a commercial break, Ryan rushes into Mr. Belding’s office following the rest of the gang make bad jokes about fire and tells Mr. Belding that he wants a transfer, that he’ll always be known as the idiot who burned down The Max if he stays at Bayside. Mr. Belding tells Ryan he needs to suck it up and accept that shit happens, especially given that it’s not his turn to quit the show yet, but Ryan’s all, “I’ve got to go before Screech’s voice becomes even more annoying!”

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The rest of the gang find Ryan sitting in the middle of the lightly charred Max. They try to convince him to suck it up but he’s all depressed and shit.

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At the Teen Machine, we find out Ryan’s so depressed he didn’t show up for the shitty Glee Club concert, and the rest of the gang go on with the assembled extras as Screech suddenly figures out how to direct a choir for real. We get a stirring rendition of “Silent Night” to assembled mall extras who decided to come back just for the concert after being clearly seen in a previous scene because the producers were too cheap to pay for additional extras.

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And our episode ends by fading to black over Ryan still hanging out at the horrible fire scene that’s still safe enough for people to be constantly going in and out of. Oh, The New Class, once again, you fail to understand reality at all.

The College Years Episode 15: “The Rave”

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In our cold opening, Kelly decides an episode is enough to get over her passionate two episode relationship with Lasky, so she comes and asks to be back in his class so she can be a part of the wacky hijinks sure to ensue. Lasky says now that he’s had his turn at being unethical so he’s back on the straight and narrow now that the plot demands it. As such, he’s placed Kelly with another professor so he won’t be tempted to jump her again. She totally shows she’s over Lasky by running out in a hissy fit, proving how mature and shit she is.

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Lasky tries to make up with Zack Morris and Zack Morris is all, “I don’t like you because you’re my rival for Kelly now and the writers figured I need some conflict in my life.” He sits next to Slater, saying he has to figure out a way to get Kelly back. Slater tells him the obvious way is to go to Cancun over winter break and fuck her. Zack Morris says he has no money but, since the episode is titled “The Rave,” he’s sure he’ll think of something plot related to earn thousands of dollars from poor college students.

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After the credits, Mike barges in and tells the gang he’s going to visit his mother after she broke a bone kicking a bull so the Dean of Students will be watching the dorm. As with most of Mike’s scenes, it’s pointless and not funny, and, on top of that, we have to listen to Screech talk about masturbation. No, really, he says he explores his body all the time. It’s time to call my therapist and up my medication to make the night terrors disappear.

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Zack Morris says he’s thought of the perfect way to raise money: he has an abandoned warehouse and he’s going to have a rave and charge $20 admission, which still won’t come close to the thousands of dollars he told Slater he could raise, but never mind things like consistency with what you just said in the previous scene. Leslie’s all, “Oh no! Raves are illegal and shit!” since she’s turning into Jessie the longer she’s a part of this franchise and says she won’t be a party to doing anything illegal. The rest of the gang sans Kelly agree to advertise for the rave.

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At the student union, Zack Morris says he can’t use the warehouse because they’re turning it into a Wal-Mart because Wal-Mart often buys random abandoned warehouses and repurposes them for new stores. He tells Slater that, instead, with Mike gone, they’ll have the rave at the dorm by moving all of Mike’s stuff out of his room and painting it to be a dance floor. If this wasn’t Saved by the Bell, I’d say this is going to come back to bite Zack Morris in the ass, but it’s Saved by the Bell, where Zack Morris never experiences any consequences for his actions. He puts Screech in charge of changing the location on all the fliers.

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And meet Jason, our subplot conflict for the episode. Jason wants Screech to get him and his friends some nitorus oxide because all the kids at raves do nitrous oxide. Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s not what rave kids did, even before the invention of ecstasy.

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Back in the suite, Leslie’s mesmerized by a flickering light because she has the intelligence of an amoeba and Zack Morris and Slater have moved all the furniture out of Mike’s room.

Kelly asks Zack Morris why he’s going to so much trouble, and he takes her into his room for hot talking, telling her that he’s planning to take her to Cancun and fuck her. She tells him that’s just super-di-duper  and can’t wait for Zack Morris to have his way with her.

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And in walks Susan McMann, our dean of students, who’s listed as “also starring” in the episodes she’s in. It seems like the producers were desperately trying to save this show by adding new characters to try and fix the many problems this show had.  Dean McMann makes a positive first impression, first meeting Screech and wondering how a complete dumb ass like him could make it into college.

Dean McMann’s looking for Zack Morris. She broke into Mike’s room and wants to know why there’s no furniture in it. Somehow she psychically realized that a random student named Zack Morris who she’d never previously met did something wrong. The gang tell Dean McMann they’re planning on painting Mike’s room while he’s away and, while Dean McMann doesn’t buy he story, she’s got to let the plot play out because otherwise Zack Morris would never get to do anything.

Dean McMann’s characterization is all over the board. In some ways, she’s the most sane character on the show, as evidenced by how she realizes Screech is a complete dumb ass. In other ways, she’s just as bat shit crazy as they are, as evidenced by her practically sucking Leslie’s cock when she finds out who Leslie’s parents are or by the fact she takes pleasure in randomly punishing students. In any case, I’m guessing they were intending her to be the authority figure they wanted Mike to be but utterly failed at.

Leslie tells Zack Morris that he better think twice about having a rave but he says that he wants to fuck Kelly too badly so the rave is on!

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And, yeah, it’s time for our rave because why waste anymore time with preliminary shit? And, yeah, the lighting is so horrible that it’s difficult to believe these are the same sets used for the dorm. Take Mike’s room. We’ve seen it clearly and we know there’s a kitchenette. But, unless the gang took out Mike’s kitchen sink with the furniture, it’s not the same set. Jesus Fucking Christ, the producers of this show just assume that everyone is so stupid they won’t notice that they’re just using a different set.

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And, to make matters worse, Alex is the DJ, because when I think rave music, I think the second craziest person on this show. God, Alex even says her “rap name” is “Snoop Allie Dog.” Shoot me now. As if this isn’t enough, we get a gag about a doberman eating a Chinese exchange student named Wing Wing.  Shoot me now.

Screech acts like a dumb ass during the rave and Slater calls him a moron so what’s the best way to handle the situation? Why, get Jason his nitrous oxide of course because that will prove he’s cool. And this is the character they decided to carry over to The New Class…. vlcsnap-2015-12-07-19h13m08s17

At the student union, we get another thing about Dean McMann: that she wants to have wild monkey sex with Professor Lasky. Yeah, the longer she’s in this episode, the more she seems like a horrible caricature.

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Dean McMann is really there to have dinner with Leslie so she can suck her cock some more. But she hears students talk about the rave despite Leslie trying to keep fliers from her and says that, if Leslie wasn’t rich and shit, she’d be expelled. And Dean McMann must be psychically linked to Zack Morris because she says she’s on her way to bust Zack Morris and kick his ass out of college since he’s the only person in at Cal U who ever does anything. This episode can’t seem to decide if Dean McMann is a horrible person or not.

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Back at the rave, Leslie gets a message to Zack Morris through this creepy guy who wrote it on his underwear that Dean McMann is coming. Yeah, this guy is Stingray and he’ll make two more appearances on The College Years before becoming a recurring character on California Dreams. It seems he’s so stupid he regressed and started hanging out with high school students.

So what will our gang do about the rave?

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Why, move the rave to the lecture hall of course, because there’s apparently no campus security or locked doors at Cal U to prevent anyone from getting in any time.

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Dean McMann busts into Mike’s room but only finds the doberman and the joke’s supposed to be the doberman is afraid of her. How hilarious. I forgot to laugh.

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Back at the lecture hall, Screech tells Slater he really is a moron and got the nitrous oxide for Jason. He goes to get it back but finds out he’s an even bigger idit than he though because he got them helium instead. And so ends Saved by the Bell‘s closest attempt to have a very special episode on drug abuse since Johnny Dakota.

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Lasky rushes in wearing a bath robe and breaks up the rave. How sad. I guess he really does live in his office, which is apparently in ear shot of the lecture hall in case of students doing stupid shit.

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Dean McMann rushes in to bust Zack Morris but Laskey says it was part of a class project. Dean McMann says she knows Laskey’s lying but, since a professor is telling her something, she can’t use her common sense. As there are already so many plot holes in this episode, she leaves but tells Zack Morris she’ll be keeping her eye on him through their psychic connection. Laskey tells everyone to leave and the rave’s over.

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Back at the suite, Zack Morris thinks he has a chance at Kelly until he overhears Kelly gush to Leslie over how Lasky covered for Zack Morris and says she could just keep loving him forever, or at least for two more episodes, as he’s just that irresistible.vlcsnap-2015-12-07-19h23m13s176

And our episode ends with Zack Morris upset that the writers are drawing out this plot even longer and that he won’t get to fuck Kelly in Cancun since he had to give refunds on the rave, which I’m pretty sure he really wouldn’t be compelled to do since they did get to have a rave for at least a little bit.

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During the credits, we get a bonus scene where Mike comes back and discovers his room. After threatening to kick the shit out of Zack Morris, he’s chased around the halls by the doberman, which must be pretty hungry by now since I guess Dean McMann just locked it in Mike’s room for god knows how long.

Firsts: Dean Susan McMann, Stingray.

The New Class Season 4, Episode 24: “Stealing Screech”

Oh! Could this be a Christmas miracle!?!?! Could someone be taking Screech away from this show? If so, I say they can keep them! Oh, hallelujah! This could be the event that’s so miraculous it makes atheists believe in a god!

No, of course that’s not what this episode is about because, as we’ve established many times, the universe hates me. A lot. As such, it likes to see me suffer around this series.

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We open in Mr. Belding’s office, where we learn that Valley beat Bayside in basketball. Well, maybe part of the problem is your spirit banner was tucked away in Mr. Belding’s office so no one knew to give a shit! This upsets Mr. Belding because Valley’s principal, Mr. Huffington, likes to gloat. I guess the producers were too cheap to bring back Mr. Stingwell from the original series even though they’ve brought back more minor characters.

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And Mr. Huffington himself comes in singing and dancing about his victory. I guess principals can just randomly leave school in the middle of the day just to move the plot along. He puts a Valley hat on Mr. Belding because apparently they had a bet that the principal of the losing school would wear the colors of the winning school, which is why we don’t see Mr. Belding wear the hat again during this episode.

Mr. Huffington notices how competent Screech seems to be acting this episode because it’s convenient to the plot and, after Mr. Belding leaves Mr. Huffington says he can tell Mr. Belding would be lost without him, which he would be wrong about. Well, he seemed to be doing pretty good for himself for six years before the sad day when he hired Screech. But this gives Screech a big head and Mr. Huffington offers Screech a raise of $50 a week if he will transfer to Valley, because apparently all that’s needed to transfer within this school district is a principal’s random whim.

He tells Mr. Huffington he’ll think about it and, after Huffington leaves, Screech talks to himself, wondering if he should take the job and…oh, god, no. You’ve got to be fucking kidding me! This is all a flimsy excuse for a clip show. I should have known I wasn’t going to get away from this season without one. And, yes, this is the flimsiest excuse they’ve used to date. Screech has to remember how awesome the past season is so he’ll stay at Bayside.

So, yeah, he remembers how awesome the baby simulator episode was and decides that, based on this, he needs to see if he can get Mr. Belding to give him a raise. I’m not sure why that clip was even in there other than to show us that Mr. Belding thinks about the gang and Mr. Belding way too much, but why the hell not.

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So Screech buys Mr. Belding flowers.

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And makes him lunch. This is getting creepy as fuck I have to say. Mr. Belding senses something is up when Screech asks for more money and Screech tells him about Mr. Huffington’s job offer. Mr. Belding reminds Screech how often they have cuts at Bayside because they randomly do things like spend three months on a boat or visit Space Camp, and says he can’t afford to match Mr. Huffington’s offer. But they pause to remember the time they made fools of themselves on the school radio station, and Mr. Belding tells Screech he ought not care about money and just do shit because, for whatever reason, people in this universe respect him despite his complete incompetence.

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In the hallway, it’s finally time for the gang to chime in and they tell Screech how much they want his hot ass body. No, they remind Screech about the time he helped Eric cheat in the science fair and the time he almost broke up Ryan and Rachel over stupid height shit. So you’re trying to make us care about Screeh leaving Bayside by showing us how much of an idiot he can be?

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In Mr. Belding’s office, Screech continues to think about the situation by looking like a complete dumb ass.

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The girls rush in and tell Screech how much they love him and Katie reminds him about that thrilling air conditioner repair subplot from earlier this season. Thanks for reminding me of that stupid shit just when I had almost forgotten about it.

You know, for an episode that’s supposed to be aiming to show us how indispensable Screech has become to Bayside, all they’re really doing is reminding me how irritating, idiotic, and incompetent Screech is.

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Screech tells the girls to leave before they have to use more clips, and he gets a call from Mr. Huffington, asking for his decision. He tells Mr. Huffington to meet him at The Max that afternoon for his decision.

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At The Max, Mr. Belding’s depressed, not knowing what Screech’s answer will be, so they have time for one more clip, of the time Screech’s balloon business intersected with a subplot about a dangerous elderly lady hitting Mr. Belding’s car.

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Mr. Huffington comes in, cocky that Screech will accept his offer.

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The gang rush in and tell Screech that, off screen, they completed the other half of the budget deficit plot: fundraising, and they’re working towards raising the extra money Mr. Huffington offered Screech. Screech tells Mr. Huffington that he’s staying at Bayside to give me three more seasons of misery and pain. Mr. Huffington leaves, shocked that his appearance has been reduced to a horrible clip episode.

Well, it turns out the gang only raised $9.11, which seems like lots more than Screech is worth. Hell, he should be paying them for all his incompetence and dumb assery.

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And our episode ends with Screech saying he’s not in it for the money. He loves Bayside. Then he tries to get Mr. Belding to cop a feel, because that’s the image I wanted in my mind this Christmas.

The College Years Episode 14: “A Question of Ethics”

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In the cold opening, Zack Morris enters to the audience exploding in orgasm at his mere presence. He brags about being in a class other than Archaeology, Ethics! Fortunately, it’s in the same lecture hall as Archaeology, too, so there’s no need to build another set. He says the professor is super easy, but that would make for a boring episode so Slater comes in and announces that their professor won the lottery and ran off with the soccer coach, because it’s apparently ethical in the Saved by the Bell universe to ignore a teaching contract as long as it’s convenient.

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In her place is what has to be my all time favorite character from the Saved by the Bell franchise, Dr. Arthur Hemmings, played by Robert Guillaume. Guillaume is most famous for two roles: Benson DuBois on the ’80s series Benson, and the voice of Rafiki in The Lion King and its related spin-offs, which makes me wonder whether casting for The Lion King was really group therapy for ex-Saved by the Bell guest stars.

But why is Dr. Hemmings my favorite character ever? Oh, just you fucking wait and see! Oh, and Dr. Hemmings is greeted as ominously as he deserves by the power in the lecture hall blinking as lighting strikes. Already he’s more bad ass than most one shot characters.

After the credits, Dr. Hemmings tries to ask those in his class paid to speak for that episode, Zack Morris, Leslie, Slater, and Alex, basic questions about ethics such as would you steal someone’s idea if it would benefit you. Rather than answering the damned question, they act like the complete thoughtless morons they are, answering a simple theoretical scenario with idiotic remarks about Slater not wanting to design fashion and shit.

Now we see why Dr. Hemmings is my favorite character ever. He tells Slater he’s such a fucking moron he’ll be hauling manure for a living one day, Alex learns she has no intellect to speak of, Leslie is told to shut the fuck up and quit sucking up, and Zack Morris is an idiot for not knowing who Machiavelli was. Okay, maybe that last one is a bit of a stretch, but, still, the other three are spot on! Dr. Hemmings tells the class that fifty percent his classes fail because Cal U is full of complete morons who can’t reason out basic ethical dilemmas.

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Back at the suite, the gang study all the new books Dr. Hemmings assigned. Now, I only had one professor ever quit a course and, as I recall, their replacement had to use the old professor’s syllabus because it was considered unethical to force the class to change course midway through. What about that: a class on ethics acting unethically. Oh, Saved by the Bell, you never cease to amaze!

In any case, the gang whine and complain about how unreasonable it is that Dr. Hemmings wants them to actually learn about ethics and shit, unlike lottery woman who just wanted them to pretend they were astronauts I guess. Slater says that there’s so much work that he’s lucky that, in their universe, they can randomly get someone to cover work for them when they have other things to do, so he looks long and hard within the suite for someone to cover his job at the student union.

Well, he’s doing his best to ignore Dumb Ass by asking Kelly, but she says that she doesn’t like waiting tables anymore because it’s icky. I suspect she’s really still having flashbacks about the mild mistreatment she received at the so-called sleazy restaurant she worked at in “Dr. Kelly.”

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Since the producers aren’t springing for any guest stars that could fill the role, that leaves Screech, and he insists he’s not such a complete dumb ass that he can’t wait tables.

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Unfortunately for all of us, Screech is such a dumb ass he doesn’t know how to wait tables and quickly annoys Clara, one of the waitresses, who’s returning after previously appearing briefly in “The Poker Game.” She wants to murder Screech but hasn’t found the right opportunity yet.

Slater complains to Mike that he doesn’t have enough time to study for the ethics midterm and Mike tells him to just ask for an extension since professors are people, too.

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But when Dr. Hemmings walks in, Mike has a flash back to his own time with Hemmings when he was forced to do horrible things involving thinking! Either that, or Mike’s passing gas in this scene. It’s hard to tell with Bob Golic’s acting.

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Leslie approaches Dr. Hemmings in her mascot costume and asks him for an extension on her midterm. Dr. Hemmings tells her no immediately after insinuating Alex might be a crazy woman in a bird costume. Oh, Dr. Hemmings, how right you are! Yeah, not giving an extension is supposed to be an unreasonable thing here, but every university I’ve been associated with has refused to give extensions without extenuating circumstances. How horrible Dr. Hemmings would expect people to do their work and not let extra-curricular activities get in the way!

Yeah, the writers are trying their damnedest to make Dr. Hemmings out to be an unreasonable tyrant but, really, he just comes off as being one of the more enlightened in this franchise’s history. It’s just a damn shame Screech isn’t in his class so we could hear the truth about what a fucking dumb ass he is.

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Speaking of which, Kelly tries to help Screech out by showing him how not to be an idiot and carry his food so it doesn’t get squished. Instead, Screech sends Kelly to deliver the order and, no kidding, she continues doing Screech’s job for him for no pay most of the rest of the episode. Kelly, I know you’re not always the character in this franchise with the most common sense, but why do you not punch Screech in the fucking face!

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In lecture the next day, Dr. Hemmings tries to teach the class about Immanuel Kant. Unfortunately for him, his class is still in full-on stupid mode and can’t answer basic questions. Hemmings basically says Zack Morris is too much of an idiot to pass his midterm. Oh, my, yet another truth spoken by this very wise man!

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As you can tell by this screenshot, Leslie has a mature reaction when Hemmings says he won’t tutor Leslie, even after she drops that she’s a Burke and they donate lots of money to Cal U. Now, this might be the only unreasonable thing Dr. Hemmings does in this entire episode, but even this is well within Dr. Hemmings’s discretion to not give up his free time to tutor morons who have done so many unethical things over the years.

Zack Morris is next to suck up and Hemmings basically tells him to fuck off with his self-entitled idiocy.

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As he leaves the room, Dr. Hemmings drops a paper, and Zack Morris soon realizes it’s a copy of the midterm. Of course, he will do the ethical thing in Zack Morris’s world and share the midterm with everyone who has a speaking role in the class.

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Back at the student union, Screech, doesn’t know how to take basic orders. Mike jumps over the counter out of frustration and takes the next customer’s order, which leads Screech to make a remark to Clara that might be considered sexual harassment if it came from someone other than Screech. As Mike points out, Screech couldn’t sexually harass himself. This is the most fucking self-aware episode in the history of the franchise, I swear.

In any case, like Kelly, Mike continues to work for free most of the rest of the episode because he gives a damn about Screech for some reason.

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In the suite, Slater, Leslie, and Alex find out about Zack Morris’s copy of the midterm. Slater and Alex want to use it but Leslie takes it, tears it up , and throws it away, declaring that it’s the ethical thing to do. She even takes the trash can to the dumpster to make sure they don’t look at it.

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At the student union, the manager promotes Screech to assistant manager because he’s more awesome than she originally thought he would be. She obviously doesn’t know Screech very well, but it’s kind of scary how his performance as assistant manager mirrors his later performance as Mr. Belding’s administrative assistant.

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One by one, Zack Morris, Slater, Alex, and even Leslie sneak out to the dumpster looking for the midterm, declaring that they can’t fail this exam.

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But then Screech comes in, singing the Sesame Street theme song, and dumps garbage on them. There’s a sentence I never thought I’d type. In any case, I suspect that Screech’s version of Sesame Street would be rated MA and restricted to viewing by only the criminally insane.

While covered in garbage, Zack Morris monologues about slimy he suddenly feels about it all.

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Back at the student union, it’s Fiesta Day, and Screech managed to scare off every single customer because he sucks so much ass. One by one, Kelly, Mike, Clara, and the extras all quit because they’re tired of working while Screech stands around looking like a dumb ass, and Screech fires himself when the manager comes around trying to figure out what the hell this subplot was actually about.

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In the most predictable and cliched resolution to the main plot, Dr. Hemmings reveals that the real test was to see whether the students would cheat. See, he strategically placed copies of the midterm for every student so they would have to make an ethical choice. Except…he didn’t leave one for Slater, Leslie, or Alex. He just assumed Zack Morris would show them a copy. Maybe he’s psychic, too.

Well, the rest of the episode is the gang debriefing their experience on this. It turns out Zack Morris was the only one that didn’t actually cheat and, in his only definite misstep, Dr. Hemmings says that’s because Zack Morris has character. Yeah, that’s why he’s exploited all his friends and random strangers throughout his time in this franchise. Well, I guess even someone as awesome as Dr. Hemmings has to be wrong sometimes.

In any case, Dr. Hemmings needs to guest star on The New Class and tell them how stupid and derivative they are and how Screech needs to crawl in a hole and never emerge.

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During the credits, Mark-Paul and Robert Guillaume mess up their lines in the most unfunny goofs ever released.

The New Class Season 4, Episode 23: “Balancing Act”

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Does this ever happen to you? You’re walking down the hallway, randomly chuckling at a red file folder, when your idiot assistant comes up behind you and scares the shit out of you?  Well, then, beat the crap out of him and fire his ass! But this is The New Class so Mr. Belding will probably give him an award for his stupidity.

No, Screech is actually trying to give Mr. Belding hints about his birthday coming up but Mr. Belding doesn’t seem to get it because it’s time to rip off another plot from the original series that wasn’t good the first time around.

And I feel I have to talk just a moment about Screech’s characterization in this episode. This season, he’s slowly been slipping into the full-on annoying mode that I’ve known was coming for some time. See, I had the misfortune of watching the Hang Time crossover episode featuring Screech and I still feel the need to pour acid in my ears to cleanse them of that sound. It’s really becoming apparent this episode and I want to stab him in the eye every time he speaks. It’s kind of sad. Dustin Diamond’s never been a good actor, but remember back in Good Morning, Miss Bliss when his performance was at least sincere? By now, it’s like he’s playing a caricature of Steve Urkel and Spongebob Squarepants’s idiot child. And it only gets worse from here…

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Ryan reminds Mr. Belding that Screech is talking about his birthday since Screech has apparently been bugging the students as well, and Mr. Belding says that it’s okay because he hasn’t forgotten but wants to keep Screech from finding out the details of his party since we’re busy recycling plots and cliches.

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Meanwhile, Maria’s convinced her boss to keep the Teen Machine open on weeknights and Maria’s going to be the manager. I’m beginning to believe that Palisades Mall is only open on the weekends since most of the people who work there are only available through the week. And, besides, I thought we established these were supposed to be summer jobs, so why is Maria working through the school year? If last week’s episode of The College Years ate a great big bowl of continuity, The New Class has vomited all of theirs up in the toilet bowl that is the writers’ room.

Nicky’s read the script already so he automatically doubts whether Maria will be able to balance everything if she throws work in there and Maria tells him not to worry since they manage to balance thousands of school activities and clubs already due to the power of plot contrivance. Also, tomorrow is Nicky and Maria’s two month anniversary because we need another convenient point of conflict.

In literature class, the teacher assigns a twenty page double-spaced term paper. For fuck’s sake, Bayside constantly has either too high or too low of standards for its students. If they’re not assigning work suitable for kindergartners, they’re assigning twenty page term papers. I didn’t even write many twenty page papers as an undergrad!

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In any case, Maria’s not been paying attention because she’s designing a poster for the club’s funny hat night since, you know, Nicky’s randomly wearing a stupid hat (I refuse to say it’s funny).

Mr. Belding finds Ryan and Eric and recruits them to plan Screech’s party so Screech won’t find out the details. Since Ryan and Eric are used to Mr. Belding’s random boundary crossing at this point, they agree, saying it will be easy to keep shit from the faculty at this school.

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At the club, Mr. Gomez is back and he’s super happy about how much more money he makes when the club is open seven nights a week verses two. He says that Maria’s the best employee he’s ever had, increasing Maria’s ego by +5. But Maria puts off talking to Ryan and Eric about having the party at the club and doesn’t have time for Nicky.

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The next day, Ryan and Eric are terrified to find Screech hiding in Ryan’s locker with a look on his face that says, “I will molest you.” No, Screech is randomly hiding in his students’ lockers hoping to find information about a party for him, but Ryan insists that he and Eric are planning a party for Mr. Belding on Screech’s birthday because Screech is too naive to realize how much of a cliche this is. They ask Screech to come up with ideas for the party as Screech waddles away with the most unbelievable blocking in the history of acting. Seriously, I think we had better directing in my first grade play.

Maria brags about how awesome the club did but insists she’ll be able to make it to cheerleader practice and work on her term paper. She gets a call from Mr. Gomez on her new cell phone, though, and cancels cheerleader practice and working on her term paper so she can work again. It’s nice to know that Maria’s so important she can just randomly reschedule practice for a school activity to suit her own schedule, especially given we’ll see there are actually two extras who are part of the squad. But, yeah, Maria says she’ll work on her paper during breaks and she’ll practice cheers in the morning. Yeah, that won’t backfire.

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After a commercial break, we’ve skipped a day as evidenced by Screech dressed as the tenth doctor. Geez, I really hope the BBC didn’t pickup fashion tips for David Tennant from this show. Screech has ideas for the party but they all involve inflicting pain on Mr. Belding. The sad thing is, in this context, I really have a hard time telling if Screech really thinks these are good ideas or if he’s mad at Mr. Belding over a surprise party he thinks others are throwing for him. 

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Predictably, Maria finds out that job breaks aren’t really enough time to work on an unreasonable assignment like a twenty page term paper so she had to work on it before school and missed cheerleader practice. She promises that, if Rachel and Katie write down the cheers, she’ll learn them during study hall in time for the prep rally later.

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The pep rally is at The Max this time since we need a scene there for this episode. Apparently there’s a basketball game coming up which only matters peripherally since none of our characters are on the team, but we need a cheer for it. After Screech whines some more about his fucking birthday to the assembled student body, the girls do their cheer, and Maria fucks it up badly. Since that’s part of the plot, Rachel and Katie are pissed off that Maria’s suck a fuck up and she promises the girls they can practice that night. Since we need wacky hijinks, she’s also going to have a date with Nicky at work (promising she won’t be working) and also promises to meet Ryan and Eric to discuss the party appetizers. Why do I get the feeling that it won’t be wacky at all?

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In Mr. Belding’s office, Screech continues to be pissed off about a party Mr. Belding supposedly doesn’t know about. He puts too much hot sauce on Mr. Belding’s burrito because he’s a trifling asshole and then goes out in the hallway to order a pie in Mr. Belding’s face, because I guess there’s companies for that now.

Meanwhile, Maria runs into the lit teacher and asks her for an extension on her unreasonable term paper, saying that she had to sit with her sick grandmother and didn’t have time for Bayside’s unreasonable demands. The teacher says Maria can have over the weekend and she’s sure this won’t come back and bite Maria in the ass in a minute even though no one should trust Maria to tell the truth given her shit last season with Driver’s Ed.

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Well, at the Teen Machine, shit goes about as you would expect from a tired plot that’s been done a thousand times and often much better. Hell, Robin Williams did this better in Mrs. Doubtfire, a couple years before this episode aired. It wouldn’t surprise me if that’s where the writers got the idea for this scene. In any case, Maria finds herself unable to keep the gang from finding out they’re all there for their shit of the episode, and they all walk out, pissed off that Maria’s put them in the middle of this plot. On top of it all, the lit teacher happens to be in the mall and discovers to no one’s shock but her own that Maria lied about the sick grandmother, leaving Maria silent at being caught lying about shit…again.

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Considering how Screech was randomly hiding in Ryan’s locker earlier, I hate to think why he’s actually video taping him and Eric. I would be a bit concerned that they’re going to be a part of Screech’s porn.

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Mr. Belding gives Maria the usual trite lecture on the lesson of the episode, managing your time and priorities. He shows Maria how she’s not prioritizing school and blah blah blah, Maria will never make anything of herself unless she quits her job. Interestingly enough, lying to a teacher is a crime worthy of two weeks of detention here, which may explain why Zack Morris claimed to perpetually have been in detention. I’m pretty sure that merely lying to a teacher wouldn’t get detention but, instead, just the same due date as everyone else.

Also, Rachel and Katie are pissed at Maria and kick her off the cheerleading squad until she gets her act together and Nicky feels like Maria doesn’t have enough time for him anymore because conflict.

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At the club, everyone hides as Screech arrives for his party. I love the way Eric’s just looking at a random structural pole like he’s an ostrich sticking its had in the ground.

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Screech acts like an ass, not believing the party is for him until he sees the big banner that says, “Happy Birthday Screech.” Why does anyone do anything nice for Screech?

Maria tells Mr. Belding she’s quitting her job and only working weekends again so she can get her priorities in line and resolve this plot.

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The girls make-up, saying they believe Maria now since the episode’s almost over.

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And Maria and Nicky makeup to give the audience a chance to wet themselves with excitement.

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And our episode ends with Screech getting a pie in the face since he apparently ordered it for the person of honor at the party. Finally, something in this episode I can get behind.

The College Years Episode 13: “Kelly and the Professor”

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The cold opening consists of Zack Morris recapping the events of last week’s episode, just in case you forgot why you’re still watching this show.

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After the credits, we jump right in with Zack Morris revealing to Kelly he knows Kelly kissed Lasky. She gets mad that he was spying on her but immediately dialogues about how in love with Lasky she is. Seriously, I’m not sure why any of this is such a shock to Zack Morris. This is the third time she’s gone for an older guy and the first it’s not statutory rape. Kelly swears Zack Morris to secrecy and he promises because he wants to impress Kelly with how he can bring this back in later.

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In the student union, Kelly and Alex introduce this week’s plot contrivance, their sorority’s annual masquerade ball. And, yes, Slater mentions the time he danced with Screech at a masquerade ball. Gee, I think the writers must have eaten a big, fat helping of continuity this week! Go figure!  And it makes the Toriverse theory even more complicated. In any case, none of the others want to go but they threaten to show off underwear to everyone unless they buy a ticket so they give in.

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Since Mike needs something to do, he has a subplot involving doing compatibility tests for a psychology class. Supposedly, this test will help Slater, Screech, Leslie, and Alex see who their perfect mates are. I hope there isn’t a predictable subplot involving contrived conflict

Oh, yay, it starts almost immediately as Slater finds his answers are more in line with Leslie while Alex’s are more in line with Screech. Surprise that the second biggest dumb ass on the show is similar to the biggest.  Interesting enough after the hissy fit Slater made about posing shirtless a few weeks ago, he says the first thing he looks for in a girl is how she looks in a swim suit. Hypocrisy, thy name is Saved by the Bell.

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In Lasky’s office, Lasky’s had a stroke of professional morals and tries to tell Kelly that he can’t date her while she’s a professor. Kelly says that she doesn’t want to hurt Lasky’s career so she’s dropped his class and says they’ll be discreet in their relationship.

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They then kiss so the audience has a chance to envy what it’s like to be touched by a real woman.

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In class, the gang not in the know about this week’s plot try to figure out why Kelly dropped the class. Zack Morris comes in and, finding out what happened, loudly outs Lasky as dating Kelly. We cut to commercial break in complete silence as the audience tries to figure out how they’re supposed to feel about this since they’re usually expected to believe Zack Morris isn’t a sociopathic jackass who constantly breaks his promises. 

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After the break, Leslie and Alex obsess over Kelly’s sex life as Slater spouts random sexist stereotypes. So, the usual Saved by the Bell bullshit I take it.

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Mike brings the results of the compatibility tests. Predictably, Slater and Leslie are matches, as are Screech and Alex. Alex runs away in abject terror as she begins to realize just how much she sucks as a character and no one likes her. After all, she is the character closest to Screech, which says a lot about why people try to forget she was ever part of this franchise.

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At the student union, Kelly and Lasky come in after a roller blading date and are quickly uncomfortable by how much everyone’s up in their business, probably because this is the only student union on the planet that never sees any faculty or staff besides Mike.  Unbeknownst to them, Zack Morris and Screech spy from a distance, Zack Morris becoming uncomfortably obsessed with Kelly’s love life and proving he didn’t learn a damn think from the whole Jeff Hunter thing. At least he had a good motivation to be obsessed over that one!

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Zack Morris sends Screech to look up women’s skirts and finds out that Kelly’s asking Lasky to the masquerade ball, but Lasky seems uncomfortable with the whole situation.

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Back at the suite, Alex dances around dressed as Tinkerbell and throwing glitter at Slater. So, a typical Saturday night for Alex. Slater’s upset when Alex suggests he dress as Peter Pan since he’d been planning on going as Tarzan. She goes into full hissy fit mode when she finds Leslie’s dressing as Jane and Screech as Peter Pan, because all of that proves that Mike’s compatibility test results were accurate, naturally.

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Lasky shows up looking for Kelly and Zack Morris meddles some more in their relationship, proving once again he has a future in spousal abuse. Zack Morris’s meddling is enough to convince Lasky to go to the masquerade ball with Kelly because he wants everyone to see them all of a sudden.

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In the boy’s room, Slater asks Screech to switch costumes with him so he can end this stupid subplot with Alex which means…we have to see Screech in a loin cloth. Why does the universe hate me so that it inflicts me with this bull shit?

Meanwhile, Zack Morris found out Lasky is dressing as Zorro so he’s going to wear the same costume and trick Kelly into a sexual encounter.

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At the masquerade ball, Slater finds out that Leslie and Alex switched costumes as well because they’re all in sync and shit. Why won’t this subplot end?!?!

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Zack Morris sends Screech to distract Lasky with his loincloth. I keep waiting to see Lasky vomit in the punch bowl over this horrible fate that’s befallen him and me.

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While Lasky’s busy trying to keep his dinner down, Zack Morris swoops in and tricks Kelly into kissing him, an act that a season three episode of The New Class will point out is sexual assault, but it’s Zack Morris doing it so it’s completely okay! Lasky catches them as Zack Morris reveals it’s him. Kelly, naturally, mildly tells off Zack Morris. Oh, yeah, she’s supposed to be pissed off at Zack Morris for outing her relationship with Lasky earlier, though we never see this. I’m pretty sure this is a cut scene, which leads me to believe those who cut the episode are incompetent since it would have made a lot more sense to cut something from the subplot than an integral part of the main plot.

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Kelly finds Lasky outside and he says he’s breaking up with her because he realized he wasn’t jealous seeing Zack Morris manhandle his girlfriend. Lasky actually acts rather maturely and Kelly responds as you would expect: by pushing Lasky over a wall. The moral: no one should ever break up with you for any reason. Your first relationship is the one you will be in forever, and, if your significant other doesn’t see it that way, they’re just a jerk.

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Back at the suite, we finally resolve the subplot, we finally resolve the whole subplot with Screech being the voice of reason, pointing out how much they like each other. How humiliating when Screech has more common sense than other characters.

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Zack Morris apologizes to Kelly for being way too creepy in trying to get together with Kelly. He comforts her about Lasky and immediately tries to hone in on Kelly. Kelly says they have a few more episodes so she wants to draw this whole thing out as long as possible. Zack Morris pretends to be okay with being her friend.

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But our episode ends with Zack Morris declaring he will get Kelly before the series ends as a dalmatian head looks on. Part of me would like to see that dalmatian come to life and bite Zack Morris in the ass. That would be so much more emotionally satisfying than this sudden, forced romance between Zack Morris and Kelly is turning out to be.

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During the credits, Zack Morris practices a bad impersonation of a Latino person, because Slater’s heritage plot earlier in the season didn’t set back Latino rights enough decades. Fortunately, for us, Zack Morris has trouble keeping his sword up.

The New Class Season 4, Episode 22: “The Kiss”

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Aren’t I lucky? We’re back at Space Camp for one more week because our first two outings weren’t torturous enough!

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And we find out that the gang’s final project at space camp will be to build and launch model rockets for their graduation ceremony. Naturally, Mr. Belding and Screech will be supervising the two teams since Space Camp apparently doesn’t employ anyone competent enough to supervise groups of teenagers through basic rocket building. Mr. Belding’s team, the red team, will consist of Ryan, Eric, and Katie while Screech’s team, the yellow team, will be Rachel, Nicky, and Maria. Rachel wants to switch teams since she’s now codependent and can’t do anything without Ryan hanging off her but Mr. Belding says the plot demands she not be on Ryan’s team. Of course, the rest of the students don’t get to build model rockets because they don’t matter to the plot.

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Well, maybe I’m wrong about other students not getting to be in groups. Another Space Camp employee comes in and introduces two random girls who decided to go shopping instead of doing their project so they need to join the gang’s groups. Meet Mary Beth Pepperton and Amy Wright. Mary Beth gets to be on the red team while Amy will be on the yellow team. Something seems familiar about these two, though. Why do I get the feeling they’re not so random placements?

 

God damn it. This is a stupid fucking crossover episode with Hang Time, isn’t it? Yeah, no joke, they decided the best way to get better ratings for a cheap Saved by the Bell rip-off was to put two of its characters into an even worse Saved by the Bell rip-off. I don’t know a lot about Hang Time other than it’s where Anthony Anderson got his big break but I know enough to realize that this crossover doesn’t make any sense in light of the final season when Dustin Diamond visits for a midnight screening of Saved by the Bell: Wedding in Las Vegas. No, that is a real plot. In any case, I know nothing about Mary Beth and Amy other than the former is the manger of the basketball team and the latter is a cheerleader. So, I guess I’m going into it the way most viewers of The New Class did: with no fucking clue who these two were.

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Ryan invites Mary Beth to sit with them and she immediately gives Ryan a lap dance, causing the audience to lose their mind since they don’t know how babies are made. Gee, I wonder what the conflict of the episode will be.

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So we get to see the teams prepping for their rocket building. Mr. Belding gets his team red pencils.

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While Screech decks out the whole team in yellow and even wrote up blueprints for them.  He’s also concerned they dry themselves with yellow towels because I’m sure he’s fitted them with waterproof cameras or such shit.

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Screech then starts doing his usual crazy shit and Amy thinks Screech is the most awesome thing to have ever existed, which must mean that Amy’s the dumb ass of the Hang Time gang. After all, who else would think Screech is intelligent?

Mr. Belding, meanwhile, assigns Ryan and Mary Beth to design their rocket so they have some time together to get their subplot together while Eric and Katie go to find material. Rachel passes them and tells Ryan she’ll see him at dinner as Ryan and Mary Beth wax poetic about how sad they are to have boyfriends and girlfriends and shit.

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The next day, it’s time for the groups to show off their rockets. Red team’s rocket will go up to fifty feet in the air…

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…while Mr. Belding has rocket envy for yellow team’s rocket as it can go five hundred feet in the air. And, thus, we get Mr. Belding and Screech’s subplot: competition over who has a bigger rocket ship. Actually, I’m sure this is what they talk about all the time.

Mr. Belding decides that they need better materials and research so he sends Ryan and Mary Beth to get supplies. Ryan cancels dinner with Rachel and then…borrows Mr. Belding’s car. What is it with authority figures in this franchise just randomly trusting their cars with teenagers?

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And what is it with said authority figures’ cars breaking down randomly? Yeah, Mr. Belding’s radiator hose comes off so Ryan and Mary Beth can wax poetic about how pretty the sky is and shit. vlcsnap-2015-11-10-16h32m41s199

Ryan reads the script and realizes he’s supposed to have a subplot involving him cheating on Rachel so he and Mary Beth kiss so they can move the plot along.vlcsnap-2015-11-10-16h33m20s54

The next day at breakfast, Ryan and Mary Beth do the classic sitcom cliche of trying to pretend nothing happened by acting as weird and anxious as possible. Still, because the plot demands it, no one realizes they have “Cheating Whores” written all over them.

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In our other subplot, Screech talks shit about Mr. Belding’s rocket ship and suggests he launch it with a slingshot.

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Meanwhile, Mr. Belding’s become overly paranoid about a new rocket design. When Nicky comes in, he suggests they move so Nicky can’t copy his stupid design.

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Ryan asks for some time alone with Nicky. Mr. Belding tells him to have fun but don’t let him see their rocket yet until it’s fully ready to blast off. Ryan tells Nicky he kissed Mary Beth and Nicky gives him the predictable advice that Mary Beth will be going back to Indiana so does he want to risk shit with Rachel to go out with her. Never stopped Zack Morris. In any case, Nicky tells Ryan he has to decide what to do about the kiss, leaving Ryan to contemplate his future.

Ryan and Mary Beth talk and decide that it was a one time thing and they still love the people their respective shows tell them they need to be with.

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So Mr. Belding and Screech’s subplot comes to a head with each destroying the other’s rocket ship because they’re being awesome examples for the gang.  This leads to both teams getting fed up and saying they’re not going to participate in this dumb subplot any longer. Mr. Belding and Screech go off to talk.

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Ryan tells Rachel about the kiss and insists he still loves her and hopes she will forgive him. Rachel puts on the best hurt face that Sarah Lancaster can muster and rushes off since the guy who, earlier this season was so paranoid that she would cheat on him, cheated on her.

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And, surprise, she hasn’t forgiven Ryan by the next scene so she takes some flowers he got her and throws them in the garbage, saying she’s almost done with this series so why should she bother with this shit any longer.

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Mr. Belding and Screech tell the teams they’ve been bad leaders and role models and dumb asses, so they decide to have both teams work together and see what they can come up with by tomorrow.

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For an episode about Ryan cheating on Rachel, there hasn’t been a whole lot of Rachel around, so we get this scene for her to get advice from Katie and Maria. Katie tells Rachel to stay with him. Rachel actually brings up Nicky cheating on Katie, something I figured the writers would just forget about, and she says that’s totally different, even though it’s actually the same. Maria agrees with Katie, insisting that staying together is a good opportunity for pain on Ryan’s part.

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Mary Beth comes in to talk to Rachel and tells her she feels awful that their crossover made the Hang Time characters look like a horrible asshole and a dumb ass. She says she hopes Rachel finds it in her heart to forgive him so they can continue their love until the end of the series.

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The next day, the Space Camp people tell Mr. Belding and Screech the combined team rocket is the best they’ve ever seen. Of course it is. When our gang shits, they shit gold, even if it is shit. We get some shit about team work and all and they’ve got an hour before the ceremony.

Rachel tells Ryan she wants to stay with him and Ryan says he wants Rachel to trust him again, promising he won’t cheat on her again until he finds another girl to date next season.

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Screech obsesses over not pressing the rocket launch button. Naturally, since he’s a complete dumb ass, he presses it even as he tells the others not to.

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And the episode ends as we learn the real reason Space Camp California closed: because a dumb ass washed-up child actor blew it up.

The College Years Episode 12: “Teacher’s Pet”

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In the cold opening, Professor Lasky introduces us to our very special guest star, a chimp owned, for some reason, by the archaeology department. See, the writers of The College Years don’t seem to know the difference between archaeology and anthropology so they’ve decided to do what they do best: pull shit out of their asses.

The chimp’s name is Lucy and Lasky says they’re trying to teach it sign language but failing miserably. Maybe that’s because you’re a fucking anthropology department! God, did they look at National Geographic specials on Jane Goodall and think, “Gee, she really is a good archaeologist? Is that what she is? Yeah, that sounds plausible!” There is a good part, though, as the sight of a monkey causes Alex to run off stage in hysterics, since getting Alex off the set is always a positive accomplishment for this series.

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Naturally, who should start bonding with Lucy but Screech. After all, with Alex gone, Screech is the only cast member in the room stupider than the chimp. Lasky says they’re thinking of giving her to the zoo because a bunch of archaeologists, for some strange reason, can’t figure out how to get a chimp to sign. Lucy signs for Screech, but Lasky won’t believe him because he’s figured out by now Screech is a complete dumb ass. Screech puts Lucy in her cage sadly, for some reason upset at the life of being well taken care of a zoo would provide.

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While Screech is busy obsessing over a chimp, Zack Morris obsesses over Kelly. See, it turns out they’ve been going out a lot off camera despite the lack of actually showing us this, and he says he thinks he’s found the girl of his dreams, again. The whole Zack Morris and Kelly getting back together thing is really being forced down our throats I have to say.

Of note here is that Patrick Fabian has an “Also Starring” credit beginning with this episode, something he didn’t have in his previous two appearances. I have to assume this means they were planning on doing more with Lasky though, after the story line they’re throwing at him beginning this  week, I have no idea how he could have been taken very seriously as a person for the gang to look up to.

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After the credits, Zack Morris tells Kelly that he’s cooking dinner tomorrow night and, though she’s initially skeptical given that this is not a trait he’s ever displayed before, she remembers that the writers of this franchise tend to shoe horn in shit as needed so she agrees.

After Zack Morris leaves, Kelly asks Lasky if she can talk to him about her term paper. He tells her to come by his office around 3:00 and she seems to have trouble understanding that professors have offices.

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Lucky, by next scene, she resolves her mental dilemma and catches Lasky as he’s having a nervous breakdown, crouched on his desk imitating the Big Bad Wolf from the Three Little Pigs story.

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No, that might actually be interesting. Instead, we find that Lasky’s ex-wife has suddenly and without warning had to leave town so he has his daughter, Abby, and since he lives out of his office for some reason, they’re making themselves at home. Thankfully, they got a child actress who’s a marginally better performer than the Olson twins, but it’s still painful. In any case, she immediately starts sucking up to Kelly because that’s Abby’s entire personality and when Lasky is about to cancel an adult ed class he apparently teaches so he can be with her, Kelly offers to babysit, which Lasky relents to in order to further the plot.

Also, we find out that Kelly has a niece old enough to be starting kindergarten, though wasn’t she supposed to be the oldest child at one point? I’m honestly wondering i the writers mixed Kelly and Tori up in a weird drunken stupor.

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Back at the suite, Zack Morris cooks dinner as he tells Slater he’s planning on asking Kelly to go steady with him since he’s still into stupid high school bull shit. Slater’s disturbed as this means Alex might want to go steady as well which would mean he might get stuck with the second biggest idiot on the show for the rest of the series.

Zack Morris says that, though he’s dated other girls since Kelly, none of them have compared to Kelly. That must be comfort to Stacey, Tori, and Andrea. In fact, didn’t Zack Morris tell Slater the exact same thing about Andrea? He really is bipolar when it comes to getting laid, isn’t he? It’s nice to see he’s over Leslie as well, though Leslie doesn’t seem to be upset about losing her only purpose on the show: to be Zack Morris’s love interest.

You know, some episodes it seems like they’re really struggling to find ways to put Mike in the episode. This episode, it’s that he’s having allergy problems because someone brought a cat into the dorms and he needs some of Screech’s allergy medicine. No, really, that’s Mike’s only subplot this episode. Is there a reason he’s on this show at this point?

Kelly starts to rush out to babysit, having forgotten about dinner. We finally get to Zack Morris asking Kelly to go steady. She says she can’t because the writers want to draw out their relationship a bit so they’re putting in another contrived relationship, and Kelly leaves to babysit.

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After a commercial break, Zack Morris suspects everyone of dating Kelly and really becomes obsessive. No, really, why is he so concerned about who Kelly’s dating? Is he going to murder them and take Kelly back for himself?

Screech comes in and finds the damned chimp followed him back home. Yes, this is Screech’s subplot.

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But it’s still the coolest chimp ever as it jumps in Alex’s arms and freaks her out. Unfortunately, she’s soon singing a a Whitney Houston song, which she need never do again on penalty of me ripping her voice box out.

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Kelly reveals to Leslie and Alex that she bought Yacht Club cologne for a mystery guy she’s after. This leads to Alex telling this to Slater and Slater telling Zack Morris. What’s Zack Morris’s reaction?

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Why, to wander around campus sniffing guys of course. No, really, this is what he does, hoping to figure out who Kelly’s dating, and I have no idea why none of these men call the police. Several want to murder Zack Morris and at least one wants to date him but he’s no closer to figuring out something that’s really none of his business. Zack Morris wonders if babysitting for Lasky is really a cover so he rushes over to see if he can catch her not there.

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In Lasky’s office, Abby has Kelly and Lasky play mom and dad with her and even makes them kiss goodbye when he leaves. It’s okay, though. Lasky can just tell the chancellor that his five year old daughter wanted him to kiss one of his students.

Zack Morris runs into Lasky and finds out Kelly’s really babysitting. He smells Lasky’s cologne and realizes who the mystery man really is.

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After a class full of a rousing lecture on chip stone tools, we find out Kelly’s going to dinner with Lasky and Abby so Zack Morris tells Lasky that Kelly loves him. He promises to talk to her tonight as if it’s any of Zack Morris’s business.

Back at the suite, Kelly’s trying to look older for Lasky.

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Meanwhile…we’re dressing up with the damned chimp. For fuck’s sake. Mike comes in and finds the chimp and then Lasky comes in and says it’s his, sees it sign to Screech, and says they won’t send it to the zoo on the condition Screech work with it to learn new signs. Of course, I can’t help but wonder if the chimp got sick of Screech and had him transferred back to Bayside to get him the hell away from him and back in Mr. Belding’s hair.

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Lasky tries to talk to Kelly and tells her how inappropriate a relationship would be and shit. Kelly tells him that she really loves him and, besides, she has a history of inappropriate, boundary crossing relationships, including her boss and her grandfather’s lawyer, so he’ll just be the latest in a long line. Lasky tries to resist the urge but plot contrivance says he can’t resist the power of bad writing.

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And our episode ends with a contrived kiss between Lasky and Kelly as Zack Morris catches them and the words “To be continued” flash across the screen. Well, that progressed fast but what else did I expect from this franchise?

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During the credits, Zack Morris and Kelly loose it on several takes talking about the chimp, because that was such a hilarious subplot.

Firsts: Kelly and Lasky date.