Oh! Could this be a Christmas miracle!?!?! Could someone be taking Screech away from this show? If so, I say they can keep them! Oh, hallelujah! This could be the event that’s so miraculous it makes atheists believe in a god!
No, of course that’s not what this episode is about because, as we’ve established many times, the universe hates me. A lot. As such, it likes to see me suffer around this series.
We open in Mr. Belding’s office, where we learn that Valley beat Bayside in basketball. Well, maybe part of the problem is your spirit banner was tucked away in Mr. Belding’s office so no one knew to give a shit! This upsets Mr. Belding because Valley’s principal, Mr. Huffington, likes to gloat. I guess the producers were too cheap to bring back Mr. Stingwell from the original series even though they’ve brought back more minor characters.
And Mr. Huffington himself comes in singing and dancing about his victory. I guess principals can just randomly leave school in the middle of the day just to move the plot along. He puts a Valley hat on Mr. Belding because apparently they had a bet that the principal of the losing school would wear the colors of the winning school, which is why we don’t see Mr. Belding wear the hat again during this episode.
Mr. Huffington notices how competent Screech seems to be acting this episode because it’s convenient to the plot and, after Mr. Belding leaves Mr. Huffington says he can tell Mr. Belding would be lost without him, which he would be wrong about. Well, he seemed to be doing pretty good for himself for six years before the sad day when he hired Screech. But this gives Screech a big head and Mr. Huffington offers Screech a raise of $50 a week if he will transfer to Valley, because apparently all that’s needed to transfer within this school district is a principal’s random whim.
He tells Mr. Huffington he’ll think about it and, after Huffington leaves, Screech talks to himself, wondering if he should take the job and…oh, god, no. You’ve got to be fucking kidding me! This is all a flimsy excuse for a clip show. I should have known I wasn’t going to get away from this season without one. And, yes, this is the flimsiest excuse they’ve used to date. Screech has to remember how awesome the past season is so he’ll stay at Bayside.
So, yeah, he remembers how awesome the baby simulator episode was and decides that, based on this, he needs to see if he can get Mr. Belding to give him a raise. I’m not sure why that clip was even in there other than to show us that Mr. Belding thinks about the gang and Mr. Belding way too much, but why the hell not.
So Screech buys Mr. Belding flowers.
And makes him lunch. This is getting creepy as fuck I have to say. Mr. Belding senses something is up when Screech asks for more money and Screech tells him about Mr. Huffington’s job offer. Mr. Belding reminds Screech how often they have cuts at Bayside because they randomly do things like spend three months on a boat or visit Space Camp, and says he can’t afford to match Mr. Huffington’s offer. But they pause to remember the time they made fools of themselves on the school radio station, and Mr. Belding tells Screech he ought not care about money and just do shit because, for whatever reason, people in this universe respect him despite his complete incompetence.
In the hallway, it’s finally time for the gang to chime in and they tell Screech how much they want his hot ass body. No, they remind Screech about the time he helped Eric cheat in the science fair and the time he almost broke up Ryan and Rachel over stupid height shit. So you’re trying to make us care about Screeh leaving Bayside by showing us how much of an idiot he can be?
In Mr. Belding’s office, Screech continues to think about the situation by looking like a complete dumb ass.
The girls rush in and tell Screech how much they love him and Katie reminds him about that thrilling air conditioner repair subplot from earlier this season. Thanks for reminding me of that stupid shit just when I had almost forgotten about it.
You know, for an episode that’s supposed to be aiming to show us how indispensable Screech has become to Bayside, all they’re really doing is reminding me how irritating, idiotic, and incompetent Screech is.
Screech tells the girls to leave before they have to use more clips, and he gets a call from Mr. Huffington, asking for his decision. He tells Mr. Huffington to meet him at The Max that afternoon for his decision.
At The Max, Mr. Belding’s depressed, not knowing what Screech’s answer will be, so they have time for one more clip, of the time Screech’s balloon business intersected with a subplot about a dangerous elderly lady hitting Mr. Belding’s car.
Mr. Huffington comes in, cocky that Screech will accept his offer.
The gang rush in and tell Screech that, off screen, they completed the other half of the budget deficit plot: fundraising, and they’re working towards raising the extra money Mr. Huffington offered Screech. Screech tells Mr. Huffington that he’s staying at Bayside to give me three more seasons of misery and pain. Mr. Huffington leaves, shocked that his appearance has been reduced to a horrible clip episode.
Well, it turns out the gang only raised $9.11, which seems like lots more than Screech is worth. Hell, he should be paying them for all his incompetence and dumb assery.
And our episode ends with Screech saying he’s not in it for the money. He loves Bayside. Then he tries to get Mr. Belding to cop a feel, because that’s the image I wanted in my mind this Christmas.