The College Years Episode 16: “Bedside Manner”

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In our cold opening, it’s the continued adventures of Zack Morris, would-be Kelly woo-er person! Yes, Zack Morris’s only purpose in life at this point is to make sure the series ends with Kelly and him together. It cannot go any other way.

And Screech, the most idiotic member of the gang, wrote a poem to help Zack Morris get Kelly back:

Kelly, you are the girl for me,
Your lips are as red as cranberries.
Your hair is brown, your teeth are white,
Your feet smell like a summer’s night.

Gee, and we wonder why Screech’s only multi-episode girlfriend in the original series left the first chance her daddy found to put her in another series. Zack Morris is naturally unimpressed with Screech’s inability to grasp that poetry is about more than simple rhymes and decides that his way of doing things is infinitely better that Screech’s. Hell, Bud Bundy from Married…With Children had better charisma with women than Screech.

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See, Zack Morris decides he just needs to get Kelly’s mind off Professor Lasky, so he barges into the girls’ room and gets Kelly to look out the window while staring at her creepily.

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And, what do you know, the producers must have been using up some extra money this week because they sprang for a real plane with an “I  (Heart) Kelly” banner attached to the end. Naturally, Kelly assumes that this is coming from Lasky and rushes off to tell him that she wants his hot man chowder as Zack Morris stands there looking like a moron.

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After the credits, Kelly tells Alex about the banner and how fucking awesome it is she gets to continue her inappropriate relationship with a faculty member. Zack Morris finally reveals that it was him and that the guy who had to throw a rave last week to raise money suddenly can afford $400 to rent a plane and print a banner. Kelly thinks it’s totally lame Zack Morris is spending so much on her but Alex thinks it’s awesome and pressures Slater to do shit for her, thus jump starting a subplot for the episode. Kelly and Slater, exasperated by the fast moving events, duck out before they have to resolve these subplots way too soon.

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At the student union, Leslie finds that Lasky’s become a milk junkie. See, he says he has an ulcer acting up because of Kelly-related stress and isn’t feeling so good. Leslie wants to see him about a reading and it seems he’s worried about the cunning wiles of Cal U girls now and won’t see any girls in his office since they all sing a Siren’s song to ensnare his poor, vulnerable heart.

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Meanwhile, and I’m actually shocked that they’re bringing this back up in this series, Screech hangs out with one of his frat brothers, and we get his subplot: that all the new pledges are supposed to get tattoos of their fraternity’s letters on their arm because it’s super cool to get random ink that may not be meaningful in couple years.

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Slater reports these events to Alex, and she says that this is the perfect thing to reinvigorate their relationship: get their names tattooed on their bodies because, if there’s anything this franchise has taught me, it’s that the people you date on Saved by the Bell are your relationships for life.

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At the health center, it seems Zack Morris got a job as an orderly so he could be near Kelly because suddenly he likes to work as well. He gives Kelly flowers and ignores his job, just as one would expect Zack Morris to do.

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Dean McMann comes in to get her flu shot and insults Zack Morris mildly, using her psychic connection to him to realize he’s only there stalking some girl. Geez, I need to ask Dean McMann for winning lottery numbers!

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Zack Morris gives Kelly flowers and, just as she’s about to melt in his arms and accept his love for her, Lasky comes in, suffering from horrible pain. Yeah, this episode confuses me a lot about what the student health center is. It seems to be an inpatient hospital despite the fact that every college student health center I’ve ever been in was basically exactly like a doctor’s office. Something tells me that the producers were more worried about reusing the old hospital set than figuring out what the fuck they were talking about.

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The doctor tells Kelly that Lasky’s condition was brought on by stress, so she proceeds to stress him the fuck out as much as possible, pouring water on him and then trying to change his gown so she can cop a feel of his man bits. Zack Morris tries to push her out so he can see Lasky naked but to no avail as the nurses’ station calls for an orderly. Also, it seems that, in just a couple of minutes, Lasky has managed to accumulate several get well cards and a balloon. I can only assume this is the real reason he was scared to have Leslie in his office: he’s become so popular the girls are falling all over themselves to bring him shit when they heard the news he was ill.

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It seems that Dean McMann had a negative reaction to the flu shot so Zack Morris is assigned to take her to a room since the student health center is a full service hospital. He quickly pushes her out of the way, though, when he realizes Kelly’s in there looking at Lasky’s penis without him.

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Back at the suite, Screech’s plan to look cool with a tattoo is to have Leslie draw the letters on in felt tip marker because Leslie needed something else to do this episode. It’s obvious to anyone with an IQ larger than their age how this will end, but it doesn’t stop Screech from bragging to Slater and Alex about his rocking new ink, prompting Alex to start bugging the shit out of Slater to get their tattoo.

Back at the health center, Lasky needs a sponge bath and Zack Morris wants in on some of that action! Unfortunately, Dean McMann’s bugging the shit out of him because she has wrinkles in her sheets. Zack Morris’s solution is to push the dean out of bed. The doctor fires Zack Morris and he realizes he’s lost his job without ever seeing Professor Lasky in the nude.

At the student union, Screech needs a touch-up on his tattoo because he got it wet.

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Before Leslie can do it, Screech’s frat brothers roll up and discover that Screech is a phony, something people rarely realize on Saved by the Bell. They start making fun of him.

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Fortunately for Mike, this gives him an excuse to have a scene this episode and he tells them that Screech is the smart one because they may not think so much of their tattoo years from now. So what does Mike do? He takes the boys in the restroom and shows them all his ass. No, I’m fucking serious.  He shows them his god damned ass because he got Tweety Bird tattooed on it and now it looks like Big Bird because he gained weight. How does this fucking school keep from getting sued? In any case, Mike’s ass is the end of the “should Screech get a tattoo” subplot.

Back in their subplot, Slater got Alex’s name tattooed in tiny letters on his ankle. This upsets Alex, who wants it bigger than that and says she’s going to get Slater’s name tattooed in giant letters on her.

Zack Morris comes in and catches Slater up on the events of the main plot. He laments that he can’t stalk Kelly anymore because he’s not supposed to be on the premises, so Slater suggests Zack Morris become ill.

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Which he does, but is horrified to discover that, now that Screech’s subplot is over, he’s taken a job as an orderly. Yeah, turns out Screech was turned down for a job by McDonald’s for being too incompetent so he figured holding people’s lives in his hands was a better fit. And this is the guy who’s going to shape teenage lives for the next six seasons. In any case, the doctor sends Zack Morris off for tests.

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After she bugs him some more, Lasky tells Kelly that she needs to get pissed off at how he treated her: mildly uncomfortably after he realized how bad of an idea it was to date him. Besides, she needs to somehow forcibly get over him or else we won’t be able to have a film finale about her wedding. Zack Morris comes into the second bed and feels horrible after his barrage of tests. Screech comes in to get Zack Morris for another round and Zack Morris says that he’s been tested everywhere.

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And, ladies and gentlemen, here is the look Screech gives Zack Morris when he suggests there’s still other places to test Zack Morris. And people wonder why I think Screech is hot for Zack Morris: he wants to see Zack Morris’s penis. Zack Morris rushes off before Screech can sexually assault him.

Kelly gets mad at Lasky that he doesn’t want her the way Zack Morris does and proceeds to berate him and then hit him with a pillow. After all, stalking is so romantic and she should be grateful to have someone so obsessed with her that he’s willing to insert himself into every moment of her life to make sure she doesn’t get it on with another guy.

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Back at the suite, Alex reveals she chickened out on the tattoo when she saw the needles. Slater says that’s okay and that she can make it up to him by watching Sylvester Stallone films with him. This is how you know this is fiction. In real life, Slater would have asked for a lot more than his girlfriend to watch Rambo with him. But this makes Alex reconsider and she rushes off to get a tattoo, thus ending our tattoo subplots that made no sense.

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Kelly comes in the boys’ room to tell Zack Morris she’s instantly over Lasky and that she should have realized his creepy ass advances were what she wanted all along. She says she wants to go slow but she wants to give them another try.

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And our episode ends with the two of them kissing, because when I think going slow, I always think of kissing passionately enough for the audience to lose their shit. What am I saying? This is the audience that would lose their minds over a little elbow being shown the Amish way. And what’s next? Is he going to ask Kelly to marry him in like two episodes? God, what am I saying, even this franchise isn’t that ridiculous.

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During the credits, we get to watch Mark-Paul mess up his lines, because that’s hilarious.

2 responses to “The College Years Episode 16: “Bedside Manner”

  1. Screech took careful notice of Mike’s ass: “Trust me, Mike, that’s a biiig bird!” Then Screech wanted to probe Zack’s asshole (at least, that’s the impression that I got.” I wonder if Screech wanted to use “Little Bird” for that.

  2. Did Mike’s story really require a visual aid? If they’d been given the choice I’m sure they’d have happily taken his word for it.

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