Monthly Archives: April 2016

The New Class Season 5, Episode 16: “Screech and the Substitute”

I’ve been so ready to get past the love triangle episodes. I’m so sick of hearing about Ryan and Liz and Nicky at this point. And we’re finally past that stage! But what hell hath been brought upon me? Why, it’s a stupid fucking Screech episode, maybe the worst episode of the season so far…

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We open to find that being an administrative assistant apparently means obsessively cleaning up your boss’s office Danny Tanner style.  Yeah, why’d I ever expect this show would understand what an administrative assistant does if it hasn’t to this point. Mr. Belding wants Screech to go and take the new substitute music teacher on a tour of the school so he can get his plot going, but Screech is all, “I want to stay here and be an obsessive compulsive jack ass who forces you to keep a clean office!”

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That is, until Screech sees she’s a beautiful woman who gets his libido going. Meet Claire Martin, the substitute music teacher, who’s just so golly gee willickers excited to be here until they hire a new permanent teacher, or until the episode is over, whichever comes first. Screech immediately jumps in to tell her all about how he was once a member of the glee club and shit and takes Claire through Bayside.

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His first stop, of course, is to introduce her to the only six students she really needs to know. The gang reflect that it’s painfully obvious Screech has a boner for Claire and how it’s too bad he’s a complete and total loser and will never be able to attract someone like her. Now, I know I’ve been saying I don’t understand Screech’s appeal to women for years, but why are people suddenly noticing just because it’s convenient to the plot? I mean, Screech dated the pink Power Ranger last season and no one batted an eye.  This season, suddenly everyone thinks Screech is a total loser, which is an improvement in objective perception, but it’s just the fuck out of nowhere.

Also, in case you forgot the love triangle plot was over, Screech randomly tells Claire that Ryan and Liz are dating, because the first thing I want to know about my students when I start a new school is all about their love lives!

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In glee club, the gang, plus three token extras, sing a rendition of the ’50s R&B song, “Why Do Fools Fall in Love” because, if there’s anything kids in the ’90s liked, it was music kids in the ’50s listened to.  Of course, they’re great and shit goes well, even with Eric showboating and Screech dancing like a fucking moron.

Interestingly, the keyboard player is the same guy who played keyboard for the Glee Club in “Fire at the Max,” even if they did change his name in this episode because who can be bothered with stupid shit like continuity. Turns out he’s the composer for the franchise. Yes, every original song from the original series and The New Class that you thought was cheap and horribly written can be attributed to this guy, even the stupid Zack Attack songs from “Rockumentary.” Thanks, guy, for enabling one of my least favorite episodes of the original class!

After practice, Screech starts getting fucking creepy and stalker like, sorta like that guy you know likes you but he just stares at you from across the room constantly. Since this is The New Class, Claire thinks Screech’s borderline stalker behavior is charming.

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The girls tell Claire that they enjoyed the practice and they’re looking forward to working with her. Claire tells them that she loves Bayside in the five minutes she’s been here and hopes that, when she gets a permanent job, it’s at a place like Bayside.

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In Mr. Belding’s office, Screech obsesses over Claire even more, to the point he writes shit on Mr. Belding’s papers. How does this guy still have a job? Screech wonders whether he has a chance with Claire and Mr. Belding is all, “You dated the pink ranger for fuck’s sake and you’ve been stalking Lisa Turtle since 1988! Why did you suddenly develop a self-esteem complex!”

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Screech randomly asks the boys if they’ve seen Claire and tells them he’s going to ask her out on a date. She just happens to come in at that time and Screech sits in the booth next to the boys so they can conveniently listen in on what they assume will be his rejection. Well, Claire has the same disease that the pink ranger had last season in that she’s unable to see how horrible of a person Screech is and she instantly agrees to go out on a date with him. Also, the audience loses their shit over Screech going on a date with Claire because they haven’t been on dates in years.

The girls come in and the boys fill them in. Liz thinks it’s adorable that Claire has such low standards to date Screech but Maria, using the same logic that Eric used earlier this season to declare his football coach racist, decides Claire must have some nefarious plan if she’s lowered herself to dating Screech. Maria recalls that Claire wants a permanent job and, since Screech is too much of a loser to ever be touched by a woman, she decides that Claire must be dating Screech to get close to Mr. Belding and get the job. That’s some real detective work there, Maria. I’m glad you were able to find that and pull it out of your ass for the sake of this episode’s plot.

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Back at Bayside, Claire had a wonderful time at the symphony despite the fact she was there with Screech. Mr. Belding comes in and, because Claire complemented Bayside and Screech complimented Claire, most of the gang decide that must mean Maria’s random gibberish must be true and Claire is going to hurt Screech. I say most because, as usual, Liz is in the role of the voice of reason who thinks our gang is a bunch of fucking morons. But the rest decide they have to do something…

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…like invite a faculty member to your bedroom, because it wouldn’t be the first time Screech has been in the bedroom of one of his students. The plan is for Screech to play poker with them and for the guys to talk about how shitty it is to have girlfriends and how great it is to be single, which Eric should know lots about. In the end, though, Screech thinks dating is even better than ever and they didn’t even bring sexual favors into the conversation!

In the gym, just before another practice, the gang decide to try another plan: to suck ass at singing since Mr. Belding’s coming to watch them. They just hope the three extras will join in and sing as horrible as the gang does. So Mr. Belding comes, they suck big time, but Screech covers for Claire, telling Mr. Belding they’re improving and he leaves, convinced he has one of the worst glee clubs in the city despite the fact he’s heard Eric singing before and should know what he sounds like, gangster rap or not.

Screech asks the gang what’s up since he’s apparently the only person at this school with plot foreknowledge and they admit to him that they think Claire’s using him to get a job at Bayside. They pretty much tell him he’s a fucking loser who can’t get a girl to touch him based on his looks and personality and he walks away dejected.

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Screech goes to the classroom and breaks up with Claire, citing the flimsy evidence that’s been presented to him. Claire tries to talk some sense into him but he used up his quota of common sense when he figured out the gang was up to something.

In the hallway, Claire tells Mr. Belding that she’s gotten a permanent job at another school and then tells the gang she’s excited but it’s being overshadowed by Screech acting like a fucking dumb ass. The gang are shocked to find out that Claire genuinely likes Screech and Liz is all, “I told you so! I’m the morally superior character on this show once again!”

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The gang find Screech at The Max and tell him that Claire really likes him after all and that they’re stupid and shit.  They tell him they think they have a plan to get Claire back for Screech.

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At the recital, the glee club sounds great considering Claire’s only been there for less than a week. I know I’d make a substitute teacher lead a recital after she’s only had a short amount of time to practice. Also, there’s randomly another extra in the performance because apparently the gang sucked so bad they needed a ringer.

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The gang engage their plan by having Screech bellow out a song about how stupid he was to listen to the gang and how much he likes Claire while the audience just sits there wondering why they have to go to this school where they’re subject to the whims of six students with entitlement issues. And, no joke, they rush out as quickly as possible when the song is over.

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Screech and Claire makeup and the audience loses their shit over their kiss. Claire forgives Screech and tells him she likes him for the dumb ass that he is and promises they still get to date even after she goes to her new song. And our episode ends with the relization that this is the only time we ever see Claire, which makes me think her body is buried somewhere along with Danielle, Tori, Alison, and the pink Power Ranger.

The New Class Season 5, Episode 15: “State Champs”

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We open to learn that The New Class actually remembered a plot point from earlier this season: that the girls were poised to win the state championship. Now, given this, you would think they would have an episode about the team winning. No, that would just be fucking stupid. Instead, we get a whole episode about people talking about winning the championship, starting with Mr. Belding and Screech, because that’s my idea of exciting television!

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Our main plot is about Liz and her father, whom we soon meet, and we find out that Liz’s father was a major force in her becoming a swim champ, pushing her to wake every morning at 6:00 am to practice. He’s excited because he thinks Liz might have a chance at the Olympics because apparently the only prerequisite is winning a school competition. But now that the season is over, Ryan’s looking forward to his off season with her because, if you thought they’d do anything to resolve Liz being an asshole to Nicky last week, you’ve not watched enough of this show as they have everyone seemingly forgetting that this ever happened.

We also might have the most awkward working for dialogue ever uttered on this show after Liz exclaims, “I have dreamed about the Olympics since I’ve been five.” It makes sense when you realize the writer is most known, other than his run on The New Class, for writing on The Man Show and Crank Yankers. Yeah, The New Class writers included a guy who wrote prank calls for a living.

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We have a minor subplot that I don’t really give a shit about where Katie completely goes out of character and drives Maria crazy with her big head about winning the championships.

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Back at Bayside, Ryan’s excited about taking Liz on a date and a walk on the beach, which excites the studio audience with tintilating thoughts of possible hand holding, which is the closest they’ve come to the touch of another human being. Liz is excited that her father hired the best swim coach in the country to train Liz in the off-season so she has a chance at the Olympics. But she’s even more excited about the date, which continues pushing the audience to the point of orgasm.

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Meanwhile, Maria gets pissed that the guy she likes wants to interview Katie. Still not giving a shit about this subplot, but we do find out that Bayside is having its weekly dance this week. It’s a costume ball this time because why the hell not!

Mr. Belding won’t let the trophy go and decides it’s not secure enough in the trophy case and needs to be in his office. Screech offers to build a special case for the trophy and enlists Nicky and Eric to help so they can have something to do.

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Naturally, disaster strikes when Screech, dressed as Joel Hodgson from Mystery Science Theater 3000, and the others accidentally destroy the trophy through a series of unlikely coincidences. Screech declares that Mr. Belding will kill them so they need to come up with wacky hijinks to pad out the episode.

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In Liz’s room, Liz’s father convinces Liz that she needs to stay home that night instead of going out with Ryan because somehow that would make her loose focus for practice the next morning because having a life makes you ineligible for the Olympics. No Olympic swimmers ever have loved ones (fuck you Tom Daly!). Ryan leaves and Liz looks distressed that she’s realizing yet another plot is going to be about people being shitty to her.

Back at Bayside, Screech tells Nicky and Eric he can order a trophy to replace the one they smashed but it will take two weeks to get there. Mr. Belding and the swim team pick that very moment to want to take a picture with it, and Screech comes up with some bullshit about Mr. Belding looking pale so he puts it off until tomorrow.

Liz feels bad about cancelling the date but promises she’s devoted to going to the costume ball. She tells Ryan she’ll meet him at The Max after school so they can shop for costumes.

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Maria and Katie fight over the worst looking mermaid costume in the world that Maria wanted but Katie got because she randomly decided to be a dick to Maria. They tear it in two and go their separate ways pissed at each other.

Screech comes in and suggests to Nicky and Eric that they go to Valley and steal their state swim trophy and put a new name plate over it. He assures them they’ll return it when the new trophy gets there. Yeah, this is the brilliant plan of one of the people in charge of educating the youth of Bayside. Jesus fucking Christ. How does he keep a job?

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Also, Liz is late because she had to finish a project and decides to cancel swim practice so she can shop for a costume. Innocent, right?

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At Valley, Screech leads two of his students in committing a felony and no one bats an eye because they’re used to students who look way too old to be high school students.

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In Liz’s room, Liz’s father is distressed to learn Liz cancelled swim practice and goes into full Honey Boo Boo mode, becoming overly obsessed about his daughter’s swim career. He ground Liz from going to the dance because that’s a rational response to cancelling swim practice. Jesus this is stupid. Liz starts to call Ryan to cancel the dance but decides to sneak out through the window instead.

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At the dance, Katie and Maria makeup because I really gave a shit about their subplot.

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Screech tells Mr. Belding the case is ready and Mr. Belding decides he wants to see it now. Screech gathers Nicky and Eric and they go to look at the trophy.

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Ryan and Liz go outside and have a kiss, sending the audience into full orgasm mode. Liz reveals that she defied her father that night and that she can’t stand not having a life any longer.

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Screech was such an idiot he didn’t realize the little statues on the trophy are boys and Mr. Belding instantly realizes it’s not theirs. The three reveal the crime they committed and Mr. Belding tells Screech to return the trophy the next morning. Their punishment? Mr. Belding is going to have a long, off-screen talk with the three of them because this subplot is over. Yeah, I’m pretty sure staff and faculty have been fired for much less. What does Screech have to do to get fired? Murder a student? No, that would probably merit a talking to as well.

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Ryan and Liz go to The Max after the dance. Turns out Ryan called Liz’s father to meet them there so they could finish the main plot. Liz’s father says he didn’t realize how much having a life meant to his teenage daughter and that he’ll let up so she can continue to do shit for the next couple seasons. Yeah, despite the fact that people in this franchise tend to live lives that require more than twenty-four hours in a day, Liz needed a plot about it. Our episode ends with the plot resolved as we realize the moral of the week was: if you don’t like how your parents run your life, the best thing to do is to disobey them and everything will work out in the end!

The New Class Season 5, Episode 14: “Liz’s Choice”

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We open in the hallway, where, via the power of exposition, we find out the Bayside formal is coming up. Ryan and Nicky have a well-rehearsed speech to Liz about how they both want to go to the formal with her but will understand no matter who she picks. Remember this. It will be completely forgotten by the end of the episode.

Maria asks Liz who she’ll pick and Liz reveals that she likes Ryan more, surprising absolutely no one.

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Meanwhile, a couple guys who look too old to go to Bayside ask Maria and Katie to the formal and they’re all, “Sorry, you two suck ass too much to take us!” See, their subplot this episode is that they’re planing the formal so they need the perfect dates or else they’ll look like shit which, once again, I’m wondering whether the writers have any clue how teenagers actually think. No one who’s not a walking, talking caricature has ever thought like this!

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But, don’t worry, a girl comes around and instantly gives Eric a date, but we won’t see her again the rest of the series because, well, Eric’s not allowed to have a relationship that lasts more than an episode. And just a note for those of you who have been keeping racial tabs on Eric’s dates in the comments: this week she’s Asian.

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Screech acts like his usual dumbass self by taking the classified section of Mr. Belding’s paper and turning it into a hat. Turns out Mr. Belding needed the classfieds because he’s selling his old car and wanted to check the ad. This practically gives Screech an orgasm as he’s hoping Mr. Belding jacked off in the back seat so Screech might be able to fulfill some fantasies there. No joke, Screech says he wants to buy Mr. Belding’s car because then he’ll always have a little piece of Mr. Belding. God, if Screech was any creepier, Mr. Belding and Lisa would need to be in the witness protection program.

In any case, Mr. Belding tells Screech he doesn’t want to sell the car to someone he knows since he’s selling it “as is” and it needs a lot of work. I really don’t see why knowing someone would have anything to do with it as long as you fully disclose, but maybe Mr .Belding just knows Screech will do something idiotic.

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In some sort of unspecified class where one crazy student wants to do a report on attacking raccoons, Ryan and Liz both want to do a report on why we need the rain forest. Since we need some conflict this episode, the teacher assigns Ryan and Liz to do a report together, because that makes complete sense if the original assignment was an individual report.

In the hallway, Eric tells Maria and Katie that two of his football friends, no doubt still students at Bayside well into their twenties because of their proficiency in football, are planning on asking them to the formal. Maria and Katie practically lose their shit over this news as they want these two guys really bad and might get laid and shit.

And Ryan and Liz fight over whether to do their report on the internet or at the library. Oh, come on, late ’90s internet would have been a bunch of horribly designed Geocities sites with questionable accuracy. This was even before Wikipedia! But they plan to meet at The Max and discuss the issue.

In Mr. Belding’s office, Screech answers a call from someone interested in the call. He makes a bunch of shit up so the guy won’t want to buy the car and then tells Mr. Belding no one’s called about the car because he’s a piece of shit.

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Screech rushes out to the hallway and does the worst impression of a British woman I’ve ever heard in my life, hoping to trick Mr. Belding into selling him the car since, in the Saved by the Bell universe, one doesn’t have to use a legal name to transfer a title. Since it’s convenient to the plot, Mr. Belding almost instantly realizes it’s Screech. Mr. Belding finally breaks down and sells him the damned car but tells him he better not come up with any bull shit the rest of the episode.

At The Max, Maria and Katie continue to turn down dates waiting for the football players to ask them out. They’re confused, though, when the football players come in and practically ignore Maria and Katie, focusing all their affection on Eric. I guess they actually have a thing for Eric, which would make for an uncharacteristically interesting episode.

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Ryan and Liz continue to fight over the report after Ryan starts writing the report without her, pissed that he’d dare break open an encyclopedia. She decides Ryan is stupid and shit now and asks Nicky out to the dance instead of Ryan because it’s convenient to have a back-up plan.

After a commercial break, Maria and Katie are surprised to learn Liz is going with Nicky. She’s all, “Ryan’s tripping and shit so I went with plan B!” Maria and Katie are nervous about Liz messing with the feelings of their mutual ex-boyfriend, and hope this won’t turn into some cliched hurt feelings episode.

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Maria and Katie find out their dream guys are going to the dance with two other girls named Maria and Katie so they’re ready to crush Eric over their lack of upcoming orgasms. With the formal tomorrow, they have to hurry and find a date or else they’ll look like huges bitches for turning down so many dates.

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And, to top off this mess of an episode, Screech is pissed that Mr. Belding’s car has issues and tells Eric he was pressured into buying it, despite the fact that Screech wouldn’t leave Mr .Belding the hell alone until he sold the car to him. I’m officially convinced: Mr. Belding just didn’t want to sell the car to Screech because he knew some stupid shit like this would happen. Screech decides it’s time to trick Mr. Belding into buying the car back.

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He does this by reminding Mr. Belding of all the fun he had in the car with Mrs. Belding and Little Zack, but especially Mrs. Belding.  Of course, being the Saved by the Bell universe, the plan works, and Mr. Belding decides to buy back a car that’s falling apart.

As soon as Mr. Belding leaves, Screech takes a car from a producer who wants to blow the car up in a film. She offers to pay three times what Mr. Belding was asking so Screech says fuck giving the car back to Mr. Belding and agrees to the deal.

At The Max, Maria and Katie hound Eric about their stupid subplot. It turns out that Eric’s date didn’t even last an episode and cancelled on him, so the two start fighting over who gets to take Eric to the dance. Maria says she has a plan so they can both take him to the dance.

And Ryan apologizes for his sin of using encyclopedias as Liz apologizes for loving late nineties internet. They practically tell each other they love one another and Ryan says he’s not going to the dance but Nicky’s super excited.

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At the dance, Nicky reiterates that he’s super excited to be at the dance with Liz, but she’s about as excited as I was when I found out that this series was on for seven seasons.

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Screech realizes how much the car suddenly means to Mr. Belding and, hearing Little Zack’s been asking about it, rushes off to try to save it.

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We find out Maria’s plan: for Eric to run to the bathroom every few minutes to don a really bad  wig that looks like a cross between Milli Vanilli and Prince and pretend to be Eric’s cousin. Naturally, bad wigs full everyone in the Saved by the Bell since it’s convenient to the plot.

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Nicky takes Liz outside for some hot fucking, but she’s still not interested in helping Nicky date all the women in the cast, and runs off when he tries to kiss her.

We find out The Max stayed open just so Ryan can come comfort Liz over her confusion. She tells Ryan she wants them to date and shit, but she hasn’t told Nicky yet. She says it was a mistake to date two brothers at once, apparently under the mistaken impression she’s still in last week’s episode. I call fucking bull shit. Ryan and Nicky have made it crystal clear they would accept whoever Liz choose. It was Liz’s pettiness that led to this outcome, not the fact Ryan and Nicky are brothers.

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Back at the dance, Eric loses his wig and everyone points and laughs at Maria and Katie. What a thrilling end to that subplot.

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And Screech tells Mr. Belding the truth about the car after he wasn’t able to save it. Mr. Belding tells Screech he’s disappointed in him and that’s the end of that stupid creepy ass subplot.

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Liz returns and tells Nicky the truth: that she was a petty asshole who only asked him to the dance to get back at Ryan for other petty bullshit. Nicky says he’s okay but, after Liz leaves, he throws his boutonnière away, and the episode ends with a fade to black, implying we still haven’t seen the end of this running plot. Well, of course, unless the reset button gets pressed and Nicky forgets all about Liz by next week, which is equally probable given the way this franchise does things.

The New Class Season 5, Episode 13: “A Tale of Two Siblings”

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We open in the hallway to find that, of all the things The New Class could have chosen to remember from last episode, it’s the stupid Smashing Pumpkins concert as Liz randomly tells Nicky how great it was to go. No, I’m not saying Smashing Pumpkins are stupid. I’m saying the writers are stupid for deciding that Liz is a Smashing Pumpkins fan.

Naturally, Ryan’s all jealous and shit over Liz having a good time listening to Billy Corgan’s nasily singing and vows to get Liz in the end after berating Nicky for being out late fucking.

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Meanwhile Maria’s decided to be a pushy asshole and force Katie to throw her a “surprise” birthday party at Katie’s house.

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Eric hopes he’s having a hallucination but, no, Screech is fucking dancing through the hallway in his caricature of ballet. All this is so, in the hallway, Mr. Belding, in typical The New Class fashion, can just randomly announce a new ballet class. The writers apparently forgot that Bayside already has a ballet class, but that was two seasons ago and who can remember shit that was a major part of a plot?

Because gender roles on this show are akin to, “Haha you’re a girl!” the girls want to take ballet but the boys are like, “Eww, no!” No one can ever accuse The New Class of doing a show on breaking gender stereotypes. Well, it was a few years before Billy Elliott so maybe they’re still banking on milking that stereotype for a few more years.

At The Max, Ryan tries to have lunch with Liz, but Nicky keeps butting in with stupid shit just to be an ass.

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Also, Maria micromanages Katie’s planning of the party with lots of demands that are never really explained so we really have no idea what was so offensive. This is the problem with this subplot: the writers want us to think Maria’s pushy but, other than this long, unspecified list and demanding the party be at Katie’s house, we don’t see her doing anything that’s terribly offensive. We’re just supposed to take Katie’s word for it, and that creates no emotional investment in this shit. For all we know, Maria could just be handing Katie a dot matrix print out of a really long grocery list.

Maria also gives Katie a guest list that includes Screech, who’s excited to go hang out with his underage high school students. Maria suddenly worries, though, that Screech will invite Mr. Belding and she suddenly doesn’t want to hang out with her principal, even though she’s been to multiple parties and get togethers with him since she joined the show, including last season when Mr. Belding was invited to the gang’s Christmas party. But now it’s convenient to the plot so the plot so the writers decided that most teenagers probably wouldn’t hang out with their principal after all.

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Of course, Screech, confused by these mixed messages, immediately goes back to Bayside and invites Mr. Belding, telling him the kids will need his rad Twister skills or some shit, which I’m pretty sure is pushing more than a few boundaries.

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In the hallway, both Ryan and Nicky both want Liz to pick them to go out this weekend. She says she doesn’t know what her weekend’s like and promises to  call them tonight so they have some more time for conflict. Liz tells Maria and Katie she feels like a cheap plot device going out with two brothers and like she’s coming between them. Maria tells her fuck that noise and she should just have mad sex with both of them as often as possible.

Screech reveals to Katie that he’s invited Mr. Belding and Katie’s all, “I can’t believe you didn’t get our unspoken message that completely contradicts everything we’ve ever done before. You need to uninvite Mr. Belding!”

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In Ryan and Nicky’s room, the two obsess over the telephone waiting for Liz to call. They end up getting into a wrestling match over a wrong number as Eric randomly walks in and tells them he was just being a peeping tom when he saw them being insane. They decide that Liz is coming between them and that the reasonable solution is that neither of them date Liz, which actually does sound quite reasonable except that this is The New Class where that will never work. Eric tells them not liking a person isn’t that easy but they’re determined to make it work.

Back at school, Liz is confused that Ryan and Nicky neither want to go out with her suddenly and Maria tells her men are insane, especially if they go to this school.

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Her suspicion that stupid shit is going on is confirmed when both Nicky and Ryan would rather shave than go out with her.

Also, practices her surprised face, which is supposed to be annoying I guess.

At The Max, Ryan decides to eat lunch with Liz, and this pisses off Nicky since I guess eating at the same table is akin to fucking your brains out at this school.

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Katie gets sick of the demands Maria’s placed on her that the producers positively refuse to let us see, and she tells Maria she’s not going to throw the surprise party for her. As such, Maria decides it’s time to transfer her psuedo-pushiness to Eric and have him host the party since he doesn’t have a subplot this episode.

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Back at Bayside, Nicky joins the ballet class so he can be close to Liz. Ryan walks by randomly and sees them and repeats the same question over and over again as he tries to find a way to make it clear to the audience that he’s displeased Nicky and Liz are in the same class.

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Also, Screech signs Mr. Belding up for the class, hoping to wear him out so he won’t want to come to Maria’s party.  It turns out Mr. Belding likes ballet, though, and, despite Screech once trying to be a ballet adviser, he doesn’t have the stamina for it.

At the party, Eric tells Katie that Maria has been treating him with the same nonspecific assholishness that she previously treated Katie. Screech arrives and says he stole Mr. Belding’s distributor cap to keep him from coming to the party.

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Ryan shows up with Liz and Nicky gets pissed off even though they’ve both been obsessed with her and shit. Maria shows up right before Mr. Belding, who took a taxi to get to the party because he didn’t want to miss his student’s party.

Back at Bayside, Liz tells Ryan and Nicky she’s sick of this fucking crap and, until they get their act together within the next four minutes, she’s not dating either of them.

Maria apologizes to Eric and Katie for her unspecified assholishness. Seems her birthday sucks even though the only parts of it we saw were Ryan and Nicky fighting and Mr. Belding showing up. What more can I expect out of this show that’s never bothered to learn how to show and not tell, a writing skill often learned in elementary school creative writing.

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In his office, Mr. Belding practices his ballet moves when Screech walks in. In short order, Screech reveals he stole Mr. Belding’s distributor cap to keep him from the party, and Mr. Belding tells Screech that he should have trusted him as he doesn’t need to go to his students’ events and parties even though he always has in the past. And thus ends one stupid subplot.

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In the hallway, Ryan defends Nicky from two psudeo-bullies who are taunting him with the equivalent of, “You’re a girly boy!” Also, the only thing they know about ballet is Peter Pan, which isn’t actually a ballet but a musical. Great research there, guys. Turns out he can’t drop ballet because the rules are suddenly tighter since it matters to this small part of the script.

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At The Max, Maria gets another surprise party because she learned her lesson and shit from the unseen sucky one. Ryan and Nicky make up for acting like assholes and decide that, no matter what happens with Liz, they have to remember they’re brothers so they’re going to turn their assholishness off since it’s no longer convenient to the plot.

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And our episode ends with Liz telling Katie she’s going to start dating them both again for shits and giggles now that everything’s all different and stuff, but that she’s beginning to like one of them more than the other. She’s not going to reveal which one, of course, because we have to drag out this lame plot one more episode I guess. I guess the writers were hoping against hope that there would be “Team Ryan” and “Team Nicky” camps among the fandom, declaring their allegiance to the one they thought should get with Liz. The writers didn’t count on no one giving a shit about this show.

On a positive note, we’re finally halfway through this season. It seems like this fucking season has just dragged on and on, and I’m still trying to keep in perspective that I have ten months of this shit left. Oh god.