The New Class Season 5, Episode 15: “State Champs”

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We open to learn that The New Class actually remembered a plot point from earlier this season: that the girls were poised to win the state championship. Now, given this, you would think they would have an episode about the team winning. No, that would just be fucking stupid. Instead, we get a whole episode about people talking about winning the championship, starting with Mr. Belding and Screech, because that’s my idea of exciting television!

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Our main plot is about Liz and her father, whom we soon meet, and we find out that Liz’s father was a major force in her becoming a swim champ, pushing her to wake every morning at 6:00 am to practice. He’s excited because he thinks Liz might have a chance at the Olympics because apparently the only prerequisite is winning a school competition. But now that the season is over, Ryan’s looking forward to his off season with her because, if you thought they’d do anything to resolve Liz being an asshole to Nicky last week, you’ve not watched enough of this show as they have everyone seemingly forgetting that this ever happened.

We also might have the most awkward working for dialogue ever uttered on this show after Liz exclaims, “I have dreamed about the Olympics since I’ve been five.” It makes sense when you realize the writer is most known, other than his run on The New Class, for writing on The Man Show and Crank Yankers. Yeah, The New Class writers included a guy who wrote prank calls for a living.

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We have a minor subplot that I don’t really give a shit about where Katie completely goes out of character and drives Maria crazy with her big head about winning the championships.

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Back at Bayside, Ryan’s excited about taking Liz on a date and a walk on the beach, which excites the studio audience with tintilating thoughts of possible hand holding, which is the closest they’ve come to the touch of another human being. Liz is excited that her father hired the best swim coach in the country to train Liz in the off-season so she has a chance at the Olympics. But she’s even more excited about the date, which continues pushing the audience to the point of orgasm.

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Meanwhile, Maria gets pissed that the guy she likes wants to interview Katie. Still not giving a shit about this subplot, but we do find out that Bayside is having its weekly dance this week. It’s a costume ball this time because why the hell not!

Mr. Belding won’t let the trophy go and decides it’s not secure enough in the trophy case and needs to be in his office. Screech offers to build a special case for the trophy and enlists Nicky and Eric to help so they can have something to do.

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Naturally, disaster strikes when Screech, dressed as Joel Hodgson from Mystery Science Theater 3000, and the others accidentally destroy the trophy through a series of unlikely coincidences. Screech declares that Mr. Belding will kill them so they need to come up with wacky hijinks to pad out the episode.

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In Liz’s room, Liz’s father convinces Liz that she needs to stay home that night instead of going out with Ryan because somehow that would make her loose focus for practice the next morning because having a life makes you ineligible for the Olympics. No Olympic swimmers ever have loved ones (fuck you Tom Daly!). Ryan leaves and Liz looks distressed that she’s realizing yet another plot is going to be about people being shitty to her.

Back at Bayside, Screech tells Nicky and Eric he can order a trophy to replace the one they smashed but it will take two weeks to get there. Mr. Belding and the swim team pick that very moment to want to take a picture with it, and Screech comes up with some bullshit about Mr. Belding looking pale so he puts it off until tomorrow.

Liz feels bad about cancelling the date but promises she’s devoted to going to the costume ball. She tells Ryan she’ll meet him at The Max after school so they can shop for costumes.

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Maria and Katie fight over the worst looking mermaid costume in the world that Maria wanted but Katie got because she randomly decided to be a dick to Maria. They tear it in two and go their separate ways pissed at each other.

Screech comes in and suggests to Nicky and Eric that they go to Valley and steal their state swim trophy and put a new name plate over it. He assures them they’ll return it when the new trophy gets there. Yeah, this is the brilliant plan of one of the people in charge of educating the youth of Bayside. Jesus fucking Christ. How does he keep a job?

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Also, Liz is late because she had to finish a project and decides to cancel swim practice so she can shop for a costume. Innocent, right?

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At Valley, Screech leads two of his students in committing a felony and no one bats an eye because they’re used to students who look way too old to be high school students.

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In Liz’s room, Liz’s father is distressed to learn Liz cancelled swim practice and goes into full Honey Boo Boo mode, becoming overly obsessed about his daughter’s swim career. He ground Liz from going to the dance because that’s a rational response to cancelling swim practice. Jesus this is stupid. Liz starts to call Ryan to cancel the dance but decides to sneak out through the window instead.

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At the dance, Katie and Maria makeup because I really gave a shit about their subplot.

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Screech tells Mr. Belding the case is ready and Mr. Belding decides he wants to see it now. Screech gathers Nicky and Eric and they go to look at the trophy.

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Ryan and Liz go outside and have a kiss, sending the audience into full orgasm mode. Liz reveals that she defied her father that night and that she can’t stand not having a life any longer.

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Screech was such an idiot he didn’t realize the little statues on the trophy are boys and Mr. Belding instantly realizes it’s not theirs. The three reveal the crime they committed and Mr. Belding tells Screech to return the trophy the next morning. Their punishment? Mr. Belding is going to have a long, off-screen talk with the three of them because this subplot is over. Yeah, I’m pretty sure staff and faculty have been fired for much less. What does Screech have to do to get fired? Murder a student? No, that would probably merit a talking to as well.

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Ryan and Liz go to The Max after the dance. Turns out Ryan called Liz’s father to meet them there so they could finish the main plot. Liz’s father says he didn’t realize how much having a life meant to his teenage daughter and that he’ll let up so she can continue to do shit for the next couple seasons. Yeah, despite the fact that people in this franchise tend to live lives that require more than twenty-four hours in a day, Liz needed a plot about it. Our episode ends with the plot resolved as we realize the moral of the week was: if you don’t like how your parents run your life, the best thing to do is to disobey them and everything will work out in the end!

4 responses to “The New Class Season 5, Episode 15: “State Champs”

  1. Poor Eric. It seems like when the writers don’t have anything for him in plot A or Plot B, they go, “When in doubt team him with Screech or Belding and do something wacky.”

    Seems like a few times they do that with Nicky too this season.

  2. So I guess it would be too much to ask that the writers realize people who train for the Olympics at going young ages are typically homeschooled.

  3. ILovedKellyKapowski

    What the fuck is wrong with Mr. Belding? Unless your trophy is made of solid gold and encrusted with diamonds, NO ONE is going to steal your trophy!

    Worst case scenario, if Valley’s principal did hire his own Screech as an assistant, and the trophy was stolen, it wouldn’t be a big deal to replace (as demonstrated by Screech when he actually destroyed the original trophy).

    Furthermore, Mr. Belding was so concerned about the security of the trophy, that he entrusted it … to the one person most likely to fuck it up somehow? Not to mention Screech’s lack of integrity when he enlisted 2 students to commit a crime, to cover up his own fuckup.

    What the fuck is wrong with Mr. Belding? (Yes, I had to ask twice!)

  4. Patrick Jackson

    I missed what finally shrunk Katie’s head back down to normal size. It would’ve been better, I think, if she’d accidentally ruined the coveted outfit sans Maria’s help. Then Liz really does abandon her social life in order to please her father…who, it turns out, narrowly missed out on making the Olympic team himself when he was a teenager. (How’s that for a fresh twist?) Before long, however, Liz abandons her home life to boot – citing that “If I’m too busy for my friends, I’m also too busy for my family.” Or something along those lines. Just so Ryan won’t have to attend the dance alone, Liz fixes him up with Katie; her timing couldn’t be better, since it turns out that cute photographer over whom Katie fought with Maria is cheating on them with a third swimmer (not Liz)! So a remorseful Katie buys Maria another, new mermaid getup…while Liz’s dad finally sees things her way and informs her that “I’d much rather have a daughter who’s not a champion, than a champion who’s not my daughter.”

    Sound better, worse, or about the same? Thanks for making the call!

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