Monthly Archives: May 2016

The New Class Season 5, Episode 21: “Putting Up Walls”

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We open at the site of the soon to be Reynolds’s house. Now that we’ve seen the ending of the Habitat for Humanity arc, it’s time to see the beginning! Nicky asks whether they can really build a house in just two weeks as volunteers and Katie assures them Habitat for Humanity has built 60,000 homes for low income families using volunteers just like the. Uh, Katie, that’s not what he asked. He asked if it was physically fucking possible to build a god damned house in just two weeks, which it’s not! It’s like the writers know this scenario is going to sound absolutely ridiculous so they’re trying to avoid answering the question. It’s like if I asked if McDonald’s was open and you responded to me that they’ve served millions of customers with only the highest quality beef available.

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The gang quickly meet Sandra and Mrs. Reynolds, who’s emtional that she’s getting her own home, and in less time than is physically possible.

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Sandra walks over to meet the creature who can’t figure out how to find a hat that fits his head. Now most small children would run screaming at the sight of Screech, but Sandra finds him amusing, presumably because she was dropped on her head as a baby.

Most of the gang are put on trash detail while Katie gets to be on publicity…for some reason. Why would a teenager be in charge of publicity for Habitat for Humanity? I’m pretty sure that’s a service they would handle internally so some stupid teenager doesn’t fuck it up.

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Maria’s nearly run over by this guy who she doesn’t know who he is yet. Now this episode is going to illustrate why I told you two weeks ago you’re going to find Mike fucking creepy as hell after this episode as it’s crystal clear that Maria’s falling for him. The actor who plays Mike was born in 1971, which made him twenty-six when this aired, but he looks a hell of a lot older, which makes it difficult to imagine him as the student they’re going to paint him to be in a few minutes. Hell, I really believed he was Sandra’s father two weeks ago!

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The gang get lunch at a taco stand where the rest of the gang decide Maria’s stalking Mike. She makes a point to talk to him when he comes up to get lunch. She abandons her lunch and friends so she can go talk with Mike and find out what it’s like to be way too old to be cast in a TNBC show.

Katie runs up and says NBC is sending over a reporter. They immediately decide to go home and get changed so they look good for the story, immediately assuming the reporter will want to interview a bunch of teenagers.

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Sandra finds Screech all alone and asks him to build her a mailbox, giving him a story that makes the audience all sappy and emotional and shit about a mailbox guaranteeing people will know it’s their home and no one will be able to take it away. Too bad for Sandra she picked the most incompetent person there to complete this task, the one most likely to fuck it up. And then she kisses him. This episode is all about inappropriate relationships.

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Katie comes up with Beverly White. Fun fact: she’s a real local reporter for the Los Angeles NBC affiliate. I have no idea why they decided to go with an actual reporter on this episode considering they’ve never given a shit before, but I like to think that Tom Brokaw told them to go fuck themselves when they asked him to cameo.

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Ryan, Nicky, Eric, and Liz meanwhile talk as loud as they possibly can in the vicinity of Beverly hoping she’ll want to interview them. If it’s possible, all four actors managed to find a way to bring their acting down to a level even worse than normal. Beverly might be the best actor on the set this week. Poor her.

Meanwhile, Screech drops a bucket of nails on Mr. Belding’s head because it’s his personal mission to kill Mr. Belding before this show is cancelled.

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Maria’s helping out hammering and so Mike comes around and shows her how to properly use a hammer since she’s a girl and shit. He promptly smashes his finer and Maria takes a look at it, declaring she’ll have to keep an eye on him for a while, preferably in bed. Mike asks Maria out to dinner and the creepiness factor just kicked up a bunch!

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But then Beverly comes over to interview Mike and Maria finds out that Mike is a member of the family, suddenly making her unsure about dating someone who’s not as rich as her.

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Of course, Maria and Mike go to The Max for their dinner, because that’s my idea of a romantic dinner. Maria can’t stop spouting microaggressions at Mike because she’s turning into a snobby bitch. She doesn’t want Mike to pay the bill and, when he insists, she waits for him to go to the restroom and puts money in his shirt.

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Back at the construction site, Screech bothers the shit out of the mail carrier about his stupid mailboxes while Mr. Belding struggles in the background. Rather than the mail carrier telling him to fuck off as she’s actually got a job to do, she humors him and then just walks off silently, probably because the casting department was too cheap to pay her to say a line, but giving off the impression she can’t believe the idiot she just met. What’s a mail carrier doing at a house that hasn’t been built yet anyway?

Mr. Belding tells Screech to stop acting like an idiot about the mailbox and they’re just going to build one simple mailbox and be done with it, taking him off to keep him busy so he doesn’t destroy the house before it’s built.

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Mike confronts Maria about putting money in his pocket and Maria’s all, “You poor and shit so I paid for you!” Mike’s getting upset about Maria’s microaggressions but says he’ll take her out that night for a nice meal and he’s fucking buying this time.

Katie’s going to get Beverly and, while she’s gone, Ryan, Nicky, Eric, and Liz send the rest of the volunteers on an early lunch so they’re the only volunteers for her to interview. Or she could wait a half hour and come back. Plus, why are the volunteers so stupid they don’t know when lunch is?

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Screech tries to kill Mr. Belding by insisting they test their new mailbox by turning on an industrial-sized fan, throwing ice at him, and sending a Doberman after him. Why is Screech allowed to be in charge of anything?

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Beverly comes around and films the gang installing a window. Unfortunately, they don’t know what the fuck they’re doing and soon break the window, looking like the idiots on television that I’ve been watching for five seasons now.

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She then tries to interview Maria but is given more of Maria’s classist attitude about poor people being helpless and shit, leaving Beverly understanding why Tom Brokaw wouldn’t be on this show. Mike says he’s sick of Maria’s idiocy and doesn’t need her pity, walking off hoping to find another underage girl. Really, he should just be happy he found a girl who won’t report him for pretending to be much younger than he is.

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At The Max, Katie chastises the gang for being idiots on camera. They feel bad, realizing they’ve made Habitat for Humanity look like morons. Yeah, that’s what Habitat for Humanity gets for letting The New Class use their name on their show.

Maria, meanwhile, doesn’t understand why Mike won’t date a classist jerk. Katie starts talking to Maria like a moron and Maria soon understands that even poor people have feelings and emotions and shit.

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Mr. Belding finds Screech alone trying to get the mailbox to stop squeaking. Mr. Belding tells him to stop obsessing as it’s just a mailbox and Sandra will soon find My Little Pony on television and forget she ever asked for a mailbox.

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The next day, she loves the mailbox and grabs Screech around his waist, giving him a funny feeling. And thus ends the exciting “Screech builds a mailbox” subplot.

Ryan, Nicky, Eric, and Liz apologize to Beverly for being jack asses and ask her not to use the footage so Habitat for Humanity don’t look stupid. She says she already figured out they were morons and decided not to besmirch the good name of the organization, leaving our idiots happy that they’re not going to be on television after all and ending that subplot.

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Maria apologizes to Mike for being a classist asshole just because she’s richer than him. He accepts her apology and they’re left laughing about the lack of a future they have together, especially considering I couldn’t tell Maria liked Mike in the other episode.

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And our episode, and the out of order Habitat for Humanity arc, ends with our assembled cast, guest stars, and extras cheering as they put up the last wall, setting us up sloppily for the ending we already saw two weeks ago where the house is ready to be lived in. Now let’s never let these people try to build a house again. Just make their rich ass parents donate to more selfless volunteers instead!

Saved by the Bell #1.7 (Roar Comics)

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I have two questions about the cover: where did they get a bucket they could swim in and when did Lisa get into parkour? It’s the only way I can think of for her to avoid the laws of gravity so much she’s avoiding falling off as she one hand balances! Also, Kevin, could you pull that hose a little tighter please? It’s not quite choking Screech yet!

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Our comic opens with Mr. Belding coming in to inform the gang that Bayside is going through one of its biweekly budget crises due to the constant trips students get to go on. As a result, the school doesn’t have the money to upgrade the computer lab from the old Apple IIes the school is still using.

Mr. Belding’s solution is to recruit the students to put on fundraisers, with a $1,000 gift certificate to the mall for the winner, because they can afford expensive gift certificates, just not new computers. How are they fundraising? However the hell they want, of course! I guess that means Screech is heading for the street corner in his drag!

Zack Morris initially isn’t excited by the work until he hears of the gift certificate and suddenly he’s all about helping Bayside make up its horrible spending habits.

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At The Max, we find out it’s going to be a boys verses girls story as the two argue who’s better at thinking up ways to raise money to support Mr. Belding’s meth habit and Zack Morris really wants an “X Station,” because I guess they were scared of being sued by Sony and Microsoft if they used the name of a real product, much like “Stansbury.”

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But, back at Bayside, Screech has an idea: they’ll program the AI Screech invented to do people’s chores and charge them for it. Since Kevin’s only programmed with free will when it’s convenient to the script, it’ll work out perfectly and nothing can possibly go wrong!

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Meanwhile the girls are washing cars, which they’re finding very hard to do, especially with Jessie lecturing people on their use of SUVs, because feminism and shit. They’re not doing so well and things get worse when Slater comes around to brag about how good the guys are doing, even using Kevin to wash cars. Kelly gets the idea that they need to wear bikinis so men can come and oogle their lady parts, and Jessie’s initially against it because feminism and shit again until she hears Slater bragging…

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…and she’s ready to be objectified. The girls are now killing the boys and getting so much business they have to reschedule some people for later. Slater mentions it’s supposed to rain tomorrow, and this gives Zack Morris an idea.

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Since all adults in the Saved by the Bell universe are idiots, Zack Morris somehow gets a hold of all the girls’ contacts and calls them to inform them they’re rescheduled for the next day. Now the girls have no business! Whatever shall they do!

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Well, word soon reaches the girls that the boys are cheating, so they put on their thinking hats as Zack listens in. Jessie declares she has a way to play dirty, too.

Zack Morris is now paranoid as my neighbor down the street who thinks JFK is still alive and reports to the others that the girls are up to something. This leads to him spending all his time watching for how they’ll get revenge instead of focusing on his own fundraising efforts.

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But we soon discover that Kevin isn’t waterproof, and water coming off a roof soon scrambles Kevin’s circuits, because that’s really what happens if you throw water on a computer. Kevin starts fucking up all the chores he’s been sent to do and people want their money back. Though the paranoid Zack Morris assumes the girls sabotaged Kevin somehow, he’s not worried, as he says they still have enough money to win, and the girls aren’t doing shit in the rain.

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Mr. Belding walks by, saying he’s on his way to the girls’ fundraising run at the track.

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Yeah, turns out the girls, in just a few hours, raised pledges for a mud run so guys could oogle their lady bits in the mud. Yeah, I don’t buy it, but this is the franchise where Screech invented artificial intelligence and once gained psychic powers from being struck by lightning but no one bats an eye so I’ll run with it.

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Mr. Belding announces that the girls won the contest by $20. Jessie wants to donate their prize to charity. Um, what charity are you going to donate a mall gift certificate to? UNICEF going to go on a shopping spree at Old Navy for third world orphans?

Zack Morris can’t believe he lost as cheaters always win! Just ask the players in the Deflategate scandal!

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And our comic ends with a still-malfunctioning Kevin trying to murder Screech. Yes, Kevin! Go! Go! Kill! Kill!

The New Class Season 5, Episode 20: “Foreign Affairs”

I can only assume that this episode will feature Screech causing an international incident, and the gang have to bring Jimmy Carter in to get him out of it.

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Okay, so we open at Cafe USA to what looks like Maria watching Ryan masturbate. No such luck as that would actually make this episode interesting. We’re treated, instead, to the knowledge that Ryan purchased a camera and is so completely incompetent about how cameras work that he’ll spend much of the episode trying to figure out how to make it go.

Lucky for him, though, the group just happens to have a photographer: a woman named Maggie who sounds like she has a really bad British accent. I’ve never heard of anything else the actress has been in and I’m unwilling to watch it just to confirm she’s not really British, so I’ll just assume the casting department was fucking lazy again. In any case, Maggie’s purpose is to tutor Ryan in how to make cameras work, including such difficult tasks as loading film. Ryan will be so glad when they invent digital cameras in a few years.

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Meanwhile, Eric continues his subplot from the last Paris episode: whining about how horrible everything in Paris is and making bad jokes about shit, like how France’s pre-Euro monetary system sounds like a name for a hot dog. He tells Nicky that nothing’s going to change his mind…

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…until he spots his love interest for the episode: Danielle, the group’s tour leader, yet another fake French person living in Paris. Her accent is the worst and sounds like something you’d hear in a Jeff Dunham comedy special, and she’s probably much too old for Eric. But she’s available and breathing so that makes for perfect love bait for Eric.

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And so we get a montage of clips to remind us that we are in Paris and not a cheap Hollywood set.

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And some of the clips are just reused from the last Paris episode. But what’s worse is what comes next.

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See, we transition to night during the montage by having the stock footage suddenly take place at night. It’s one of the most jarring transitions I’ve ever seen in any visual medium, but I guess it’s cheaper than flying the cast to Paris and showing them enjoying themselves, which is how one would expect such an episode to work.

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And the gang find themselves on the observation deck of the Eiffel Tower. Everyone’s all excited while Maria, Nicky, and Katie are all, “This is where we got arrested last week!”

I do have to admit that I’m semi-impressed by the set. I could actually believe the gang are at the Eiffel Tower, which makes me think this set was built for another production and The New Class just happened to luck into it. In any case, it’s a lot better than their usual piece of crap attempts to make you think they’re outside, like that ski slope from season two.

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Ryan suddenly has a secret admirer in Franco, a random guy who seems to be hanging around the group most of this episode in hopes of picking up underage girls. Rather than call the police and reporting a sexual predator, the gang seem to humor him because the message of this episode is that talking to strangers is cool. Also, I spent most of the episode trying to figure out what nationality accent Franco is supposed to have. I assumed he was Spanish most of the episode until, towards the end, he finally randomly blurts out that he’s Italian, proving once again that the writers have no concept of accents.

Eric, meanwhile, starts quoting random facts about Paris to impress Danielle, and she believes him because all foreigners just randomly walk around spouting trivia for no good reason.

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Liz reveals that her plot this episode will be to just randomly be jealous of Ryan and Maggie since she must have heard Ryan was smooching with a Hang Time girl last season while he was dating Rachel. Maria and Katie remind Liz that this whole plot is unnecessary and could just be solved by Liz telling Ryan how she feels, but Liz is determined the episode won’t end twenty-five minutes early and continues to pursue this jealousy angle.

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Of course, Mr. Belding and Screech buy the most touristy hats they could possibly find because working with Screech for four years has turned Mr. Belding’s brain into mush.

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Back in Mr. Belding’s office, which he apparently doesn’t have to sleep in any longer, we get our subplot for Mr. Belding and Screech: Screech decides that Mr. Belding needs a bust to remind future generations how great a man he is. Bullshit. I think Screech is going to pleasure himself at night to it. Screech just happens to have a block of concrete and gets to work despite the fact he has no experience in sculpting and promptly breaks the block to pieces.

Eric walks into the gang’s room glowing from the possibility of sex on the horizon. Everyone else is grumpy about his sudden change of mood but he insists he now loves Paris because of a girl, and nothing could possibly no wrong based on this, even as Nicky reads one of Eric’s bitter letters to his mother about how much Paris sucks. Good thing the letter’s strategically placed in a spot where it will be sure to influence the plot later.

Maggie comes in and invites Ryan to shoot a boat parade with her that night. Liz is obviously jealous but doesn’t say anything about it as Ryan and Liz takes off. Maria and Katie show signs of getting sick of Liz’s neurotic bullshit and even decides Ryan must like Maggie.

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After a commercial break, Danielle arrives for dinner with Eric. Eric’s filled the room with stereotypical French bullshit like berets, accordion music, and a French flag, but Danielle’s no better with a grocery back complete with loaves of French bread sticking out. She has some sweetbread for Eric to try and, because he’s playing up the stereotype of the stingy American who refuses to try anything foreign, he’s disgusted with Nicky tells him it’s cow’s pancreas.

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In Mr. Belding’s office, we see that Mr. Belding will never learn his lesson. He’s decided to let Screech put plaster all over his head and create a bust from the mold, even as Screech reads a book to figure out how.

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Of course, this results in a mold that slightly resembles the Stay-Puff Marshmallow Man. Of course Screech’s book is missing the pages that tell him how to remove the mold and, after a stupid attempt with prop scissors to cut the mold, he gives up and teases Mr. Belding with water.

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At the bridge, Ryan thanks Maggie for indulging him in his new hobby that will likely never be mentioned again, even considering Ryan didn’t know enough about it at the beginning of this episode to load the film.

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The girls show up dressed as bad mimes to spy on Ryan and Maggie and, after entertaining a really easily amused old woman, see Ryan moving towards Maggie and leave, assuming that Ryan’s getting ready to kiss Maggie. Yeah, you girls are really bad at this spy shit, aren’t you?

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Back in the repurposed The College Years dorm set, Eric’s hating this sweetbread shit and spits it out when Danielle isn’t looking. Danielle apparently is in the habit of randomly picking up private letters laid out in public and reading them, because she soon learns that Eric really believes that Paris sucks ass. She runs out, realizing that Eric was just using her as his relationship of the episode.

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In the hallway, Screech randomly leads Mr. Belding around and leaves him alone in the hallway while he goes to get help instead of doing something sensible like leaving in the room. Danielle comes storming out of the room and knocks Mr. Belding aside, who then decides it’s time to do his Mr. Magoo impersonation and wander around Paris in a plaster cast. Jesus fucking Christ. Mr. Belding is going to die.

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Liz decides to go on a date with Franco to make Ryan jealous because that seems to be a regular thing she does this season. Ryan finds out from the rest of the gang that she’s planning to go to the Eiffel Tower so he runs off to protect her from the sex offender.

And Screech rushes in to get Maria, Nicky, and Katie to help him look for Mr. Belding since they’re more familiar with the area after their arrest than him and they don’t have subplots of their own to worry about.

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Eric finds Danielle at Cafe USA  and apologizes for being a jack ass. He says he was just trying to impress his one episode relationship like usual but he really likes Paris because she’s in it and he might get laid and shit. Danielle decides all is forgiven because she hasn’t been honest with him about being French, either, and thus ends Eric’s lying about liking Paris plot.

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At the Eiffel Tower, Franco tries to put the moves on Liz but she realizes she doesn’t like creepy ethnically ambiguous sex predators so both she and an arriving Ryan both threaten to push Franco off the Eiffel Tower unless he gets off this show and never comes back.

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Ryan and Liz have a heart to heart where Ryan’s all, “I would never cheat on you because that was my thing last season, not this season! Also, you need to tell me shit because I’m not a mind reader as I haven’t been struck by lightning yet!” They make-up and prepare to continue their relationship another few episodes.

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Mr. Belding somehow manages to stumble up the stairs to the observation deck past security and ticket takers because it’s The New Class. Screech is right behind him and our episode ends with Mr. Belding attempting to finally rid himself of his persistent problem by pushing Screech off the Eiffel Tower.

But the most surprising thing about the events of this episode…

Firsts: Danielle, Eric dates a girl for more than one episode.

Saved by the Bell #1.6 (Roar Comics)

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Ah, time for another of Roar Comics’ modern day adaptations, and it looks to be talking about Kelly’s singing career. I wonder if this will be the Kelly who sucks ass at singing or the one who sings for Zack Attack?

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We open in the hallway to discover that Bayside is a lot busier than we were ever lead to believe on the show. Hell, there are students everywhere, and apparently a football game going on as well. Naturally, there are no adults in sight to keep order so shit’s out of control. Some things never change, no matter what version of this franchise you’re watching.

In any case, Kelly tells the gang there’s going to be auditions for America’s Next Pop Diva, because using American Idol‘s name in this could have gotten Roar Comics sued. Lisa loves looking at the hot guys on it while Jessie’s all, “Feminism! Other things straw feminists say! Reality shows teach kids all you need to do in life to get ahead is have luck!”

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Kelly wants to audition so Slater convinces her to sing something. She sings a line from The Star Spangled Banner, and here’s the problem with using this plot for the comic: we can’t hear Kelly sing so we have to take the characters’ words for it whether she was good or not. Screech mumbles she sucks ass but Zack Morris thinks Kelly was super awesome. You really need to know about the characters from the show here to get this. After all, who are you going to believe: the complete moron or the lecherous asshole who wants to fuck Kelly?

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At the auditions, Screech brings along Kevin to cheer Kelly on by explaining her music doesn’t suck ass. Once again, do we believe the complete idiot?

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Some producers for the show spot Screech and Kevin and instantly think they have ratings gold, even though this is a song about singing. Rather than being amazed that a complete moron built artificial intelligence and they haven’t heard about it on the news, they want to know whether Kevin can sing. Screech says he programmed Kevin with lots of songs, and I sure hope they’re all sung in that monotone from the show.

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Screech demonstrates how Kevin can both sing and dance, and I have to admit: this is my favorite panel in the comic: getting to see Kevin whack the shit out of Screech, simply because I enjoy seeing Screech in as much pain as possible.

Kelly’s pissed as the producers take Screech and Kevin through to the front of the line while ignoring her because they must have watched reruns on MTV to see how much she sucks ass at singing.

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In the audition, Screech demonstrates how Kevin can do any dance style stereotypically, including this version of what Screech believes is hip hop. So, if Kevin is wearing pants here, does that mean most of the time he’s flashing us? Oh, the questions of artificial intelligence!

The producers send Screech home for the day, telling him to come back tomorrow for a follow-up audition. But the producer conspires with the cameraman to get a clip up on the web by the end of the day, saying they’re going to make it go viral. Number one, that would be the job of your editor, not the cameraman. Number two, do you even know how the internet works?

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Apparently not because, back at Bayside, Mr. Belding’s seen the clip of Screech because he frequents YouTube rather than controlling misbehavior in the hallways and loves how awesome that is because Mr. Belding is easily impressed. Kevin and he are offered a record deal, which makes me wonder why he still needs to go on this show then, and Zack Morris wants to be his manager because it’s Zack Morris and shit. What else is he going to do. Also, I’m a bit creeped out that Screech is naming random stars after Lisa. I’m telling you: stalker behavior!

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Back at the auditions, Kelly is turned away because plot and the producer reveals that they don’t really give a shit whether someone can actually sing or not. No, what they care about is singing, so they’ve got stupid acts lined up like a guy raised by monkeys, conjoined twins, and a girl who lives on a school bus. Hey, they all sound like better musical acts than Silento!

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Zack Morris gets Screech and Kevin to print out a fake bio for Kelly to impress the producer, implying she’s raising a baby in prison and shit, which he believes because of the rule that adults are idiots in this universe unless it’s convenient to the plot.

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He brings her in for an audition and everyone wants to hear all about life in prison because prisons frequently let prisoners out to audition for shitty reality shows. He even brings her baby brother in to act as her baby and she gets pissed as she realizes he did something that should be completely predictable coming from Zack Morris.

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The judges tell Kelly she sucks ass as a singer, and she gets pissed off and tells them to fuck off because she’s going to be on 90210 and shit.

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At The Max, Jessie and Lisa confirm that Kelly sucks ass as a singer in this universe and suggest Kelly should get revenge against Zack Morris. She’s hesitant at first until he comes in cocky and arrogant, selling free tickets to see Screech and Kevin.

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Her brilliant plan is to give lots of people Zack Morris’s card as an agent so they’ll go see him to try and hire him, which seems stupid for the purposes of revenge since that’s actually helping him make more money. It works, though, and he closes his manager business because that was apparently a subplot.

The next day, Screech fires Zack Morris as manager, saying Kevin went on to the next round without him.

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And our comic ends with Kevin channeling Hal from 2001: A Space Odyssey as he plans to murder anyone who gets in his way of winning the competition. SCREECH, GET IN KEVIN’S WAY! QUICK! That way Roar Comics will never have to do a The New Class comic!

This one didn’t quite measure up to the last issue. The plot is all over the place. Nothing seems to have been resolved and nobody learned a lesson. Let’s hope this a fluke and not a sign of things to come.

The New Class Season 5, Episode 19: “Thanks for Giving”

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We open for yet another stupid idea for a The New Class arc: have the gang build a Habitat for Humanity house for a service project, because while they’re taking month long trips to France they have plenty of time to take off and build a fucking house! Evidently, though, this is not any ordinary house as they’ve managed to go from an empty lot to a fully standing house in just a week, and they’ve promised the would-be-inhabitants, the Reynolds family, they’ll have the whole house ready for them to have Thanksgiving dinner in just another week! And this is not me exaggerating this time. They make it a point to emphasize multiple times that they went from empty lot to habitable house by the end of this episode in a total of two fucking weeks.

If I were the Reynolds family, I would ask a building inspector to come check this shit out before the whole thing falls down on them in their sleep, especially if Screech is involved.

Oh, and, in case you’re wondering, this is actually the final episode of the Habitat for Humanity arc. Yes, some dip shit at NBC decided it would be perfectly acceptable to air the final episode of the arc before the first episode. I know this is par course for this series, but it still annoys the fuck out of me when the writers put five seconds of thought for continuity into this series and they’re rewarded by NBC playing eainie-meanie-miney-mo with the schedule. It’s like the writers of this series were damned if they did and damned if they didn’t.

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Speaking on damnable things, Screech is involved in the building of this house and has managed to get himself stuck in a door. Jesus, do the Reynolds family really want to live anywhere this dumb ass helped construct? Mr. Belding takes him to get him out so they can get started on their subplot: planting the garden.

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The boys start the main plot by trying to win tickets to fly to Dallas and see the Dallas Cowboys on Thanksgiving Day from KNFS, Tulare, California’s best 100 watt community radio station! That 100 watts must be going a long way if Eric’s picking them up in Los Angeles on his Walkman! Naturally, they don’t win yet because it’s not yet convenient to the plot, but we’ll check back with them when it is.

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And a member of the Reynolds family, Mike, comes around to introduce Maria to her subplot: he wants her to speak at the dedication for their house, and she’s overjoyed because it means everyone will be looking at her and wishing they were as awesome as her.

Now, funny thing: when I first saw this episode before I saw the first Habitat for Humanity episode, I thought Mike was the father of the family. He certainly looks like he could be old enough. Strange enough, it looks like he’s an older son, which will be even more disturbing when we see him in the other episode. Keep this in mind that this is how you were introduced to him: with absolutely no context as to who he is.

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In the living room, the boys try again for the trip and this time it’s convenient to the plot. Unfortunately, they’re now looking for the fan who deserves to go more than anyone so, after the boys brag about building a Habitat for Humanity house, the DJ says they’ll pick the winner later today and wait for a phone call. KNFS must be psychic in addition to their amazing reach for a 100 watt station because they don’t ask for the boys’ name or phone number or anything! Yay for more magical abilities!

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Outside, Screech regales young Sandra Reynolds and her mother, Mrs. Reynolds, with stories of gardens to come. Yes, Mrs. Reynolds is the only member of the Reynolds family not deserving of a first name because she’s a woman and shit. Screech’s lunacy doesn’t seem to phase her, though, even when she points out that they only have two flower beds, and young Sandra hasn’t been taught not to hug strange dumb asses as she leaves the scene.

Oh, but we’re not done with Screech’s lunacy yet as he literally starts eating dirt to test the “chemical makeup of the soil.” Yeah, this subplot is going to be the most ridiculous thing so far this season as it serves no purpose other than to make Mr. Belding look stupid and petty despite the fact he’s the one with some common sense. Yes, when Mr. Belding doesn’t want to eat dirt like Screech, he agrees to do one flower bed while Screech does the other.

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Mike teaches the girls how to paint a door and warns them not to use the paint sprayer as it may clog. Of course, as soon as Mike leaves, she gets the sprayer out…

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…and manages to spray her cheek without getting any paint in her hair. Convenient happenstances just abound in this episode! Katie and Liz take Maria to see the boys, and Eric tells her not to worry as the paint will wear off in like six weeks. In a world where we can build a house in a week, we still can’t remove paint from skin in a timely manner.

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The boys initially think they’ve lost the contest, but, when the winner declines the tickets, they’re runner up and get to go to Dallas.  But plot contrivance works against them when Mr. Belding comes in and informs them that the wallpaper won’t arrive until tomorrow morning, which means they’ll have to work through Thanksgiving and won’t be able to go to Dallas.

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At The Max, the boys want to back out of finishing the living room so they can go to Dallas and I’m really confused by this whole subplot. I’m actually with the boys on this: it’s not their fault the wallpaper isn’t there and it’s not like the family can’t have Thanksgiving dinner and finish the living room later. But we’re supposed to be with Katie and Liz on this, who think the boys are being super selfish and shit and need to finish the living room. The boys decide that they can cut corners like Maria and finish the job in time to go to Dallas.

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Meanwhile, Sandra loves Screech’s flower bed to the point she’s practically kissing his ass…

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…while Mr. Belding seems to have planted dead shit. Seriously, the writers want us to believe that this is because Mr. Belding didn’t eat dirt like Screech wanted, but, unless he planted dead shit, nothing short of extra strong grass killer is going to kill plants this fast. The writers are really getting off on insulting my intelligence this episode. It’s like they knew NBC was going to air the episode out of order so they just didn’t care.

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In the living room, the boys decide they don’t need to wash the walls and they just put the wallpaper directly up, not even taking time to not put wallpaper over Nicky.

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Maria decides the solution to her problem is to channel the spirit of Tammy Faye Baker. After Katie, Liz, and Mike screech in horror, she decides she can’t deliver a speech to assembled classmates, Reynolds family members, and dumb ass faculty members with a blue stain on her face.

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And, in the garden subplot, Mr. Belding and Screech basically just start destroying each others’ flower beds, because they need to learn a very special lesson about not being morons.

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The boys complete the wall paper, but it starts coming off the walls almost immediately after they leave. Now I’m not an expert on hanging wallpaper but I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t be this shitty a job unless they tried to hang it using school glue sticks. Oh, and to top it off, Nicky left the water running in a small bucket because he’s apparently blind. I don’t know! I can’t figure out this episode for the life of me! It’s like it was written by people who took their knowledge of building a home from Looney Tunes!

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At The Max, Katie and Liz come and tell the boys about their physics defying wallpaper but the boys are all, “We’re done with this shit! We’re going to Dallas!”, leaving the girls to think they’re going to have to do the job themselves.

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Mike comes in and finds Maria. He tells her he’s sad a stupid subplot is going to keep her from delivering her shitty little speech. He’s all, “I don’t give a damn if your cheek looks like a Smurf! Please give your speech!”

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Back at the house, Mr. Belding and Screech learn their lesson about working together I guess and decide to work together to finish both flower beds.

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And the boys show up to help Katie and Liz because of course they did! They tell the girls their nagging and guilt tripping made them realize what the conclusion of their plot needed to be and this shit it almost over.

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The next day, Maria gives her little speech, thanking the volunteers for building a fucking house in two weeks! Seriously, Habitat for Humanity houses take six to eight months to build and they built a shobby piece of crap house in two weeks because it’s apparently made out of straw like the first little pig!

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The cast and assembled extras are invited to Thanksgiving dinner. For some reason, this includes a little girl who isn’t Sandra. Are the writers finally acknowledging that some of Bayside’s students are old enough to have children of their own?

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Mrs. Reynolds thanks the boys for working through the night to ensure the house was done in time for Thanksgiving. They pout about how they didn’t get to see the Dallas Cowboys but are all, “We learned a lesson and shit!” Mr. Belding violates separation of church and state by saying grace on a school-sponsored outting, and our episode ends with everyone enjoying the best Thanksgiving dinner since random NBC prime time stars stopped by four years ago.

God, this episode. I really hope when I see the first episode in the arc, we get to see a building inspector marveling at the fair dust being used to construct this demon spawn house. Is all this finally evidence that Screech is the spawn of Satan?

Firsts: Mike Reynolds, Sandra Reynolds, Mrs. Reynolds, Habitat for Humanity.

The New Class Season 5, Episode 18: “Foreign Behavior”

Before we find out what pain I must endure from The New Class this week, I want to give a plug for my new project, California Dreams Reviewed. As the title implies, I’m delving into Peter Engel’s first attempt to capitalize on the success of Saved by the Bell by having a show that’s basically the same but with a band. New posts will be every Friday so please check it out and let me know what you think!


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Please tell me this is going to be some lame episode about the gang putting on a Paris-themed dance or some shit…

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No, please tell me they’re not really going to do this…

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God, tell me this is some sort of mistake…

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No, unfortunately, it’s not a mistake. Our band of roving teenage caricatures has been transported to Paris for a month. The why isn’t clear but they’re part of something called the “International Academy,” which doesn’t really exist but that’s never stopped Saved by the Bell before. I assume it’s a situation like the semester at sea where they’re doing stuff that’s awesome for the plot while taking classes in the middle of France.

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We open as you would expect, with the gang pontificating for a full minute and a half about how awesome Paris is and how they love it even though they got here and how they can’t wait to bring the blandness of The New Class to famous Paris landmarks. Well, all except Eric, whose subplot this episode is that he’s super homesick even though he just got there. Naturally, Ryan and Liz are ready to fuck in the city of love while Maria expresses jealousy that she still has to wait eight more episodes to get a new boyfriend.

Oh, and their rooms are basically a redressing of the dorms from Cal U. It’s nice they’re still finding ways to recoup their money out of the failed production of The College Years.

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Of course Mr. Belding and Screech are there too, because, for a school whose vice-principal is rarely seen anymore, Mr. Belding seems to get a lot of time to go and do a lot of shit with his students. And Screech is wearing all kinds of shit that only a goofy, overenthusiastic American tourist, the type the French love to hate, would wear. Would you expect any more from him?

We meet Madame Dumars, the academy’s chief administrator, and Mr. Belding starts pontificating about how grateful they are to be there. Screech tells him to get the fuck on with shit and, for once, I agree with Screech: they’re wasting a ton of time on really bad setup. You’re in Paris. You’re excited. I get it. This sounds like the writing of a high school student who’s just taken a creative writing class and thinks all their thoughts are super profound.

And, for the record, as far as I can tell, every “French” person in this episode is an American doing a really bad French accent, which is pretty fucking borderline offensive. I didn’t have the energy to track them all down in other roles as none of them are well known actors and actresses but, judging by their other credits on IMDB, it doesn’t sound like they’re very French. Fucking The New Class. Because it would have been so difficult to track down native French people living in Hollywood.

Maria wants to go see the city but Mr. Belding tells them to unpack and get ready for dinner as they need to establish even more sets.

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Madame Dumars takes Mr. Belding and Screech to see their office, because they need an office for some reason. And we finally get their stupid subplot of the episode: Madame Dumars gets a phone call informing her the writers have decided to give away their rooms for the episode, which means they’ll have to sleep on cots together in the office. Great, can we do something yet?

Screech does mention that things like this happen to them all the time, which I actually chuckled at as a bit of referential self-parody.

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Apparently not as now we need to be acquainted with the ripoff of The Max for this arc of episodes. This is Cafe USA. Yes, the diner where Mr. Belding wants them to have dinner is American-themed. I agree with Nicky: this is fucking lame and so stereotypical American to go all the way to Paris and eat American food. Maria and Katie refuse to eat, though, as they’re saving themselves for a meal in the Eiffel Tower.

Mr. Belding comes in and tell the gang he’s setting a 9:00 curfew, which means they have a half hour to get back to their rooms. The gang think this sucks because they want to wander the streets of Paris in the middle of the night. And it’s so cute how the extras in the cafe listen to Mr. Belding like they have something to do with this episode.

Back in their rooms, Maria, Nicky, and Katie decide they’re not going to fucking sit around their first night in Paris. Instead, they’re going to sneak out and go do something or other while they wander the hallways. Ryan and Liz decide to stay so they can fuck and Eric’s still homesick and shit so half our gang are staying behind. Finally, a hint of main plot rears its head!

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We soon find Nicky in a cab in between his ex-girlfriends in the city of love, and any other show might say this was a sign of kinky things to come. Instead, since their American taxi driver doing a bad French accent can’t speak English, they direct him to go to the Eiffel Tower.

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They soon arrive at the Eiffel Tower’s restaurant, which you’ll be glad to know has stayed open late just for our gang and has apparently relaxed their normally formal dress code as well because it’s convenient to the plot. An American waiter with a bad accent comes over and pours wine for our gang and I suddenly have a fear this is going to be another poorly made alcohol-themed episode.

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Back in Mr. Belding and Screech’s subplot, Screech annoys the fuck out of Mr. Belding by doing random exercises and wanting Mr. Belding to sing him a lullaby. Jesus Christ, is Screech a fucking child?

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Back in the gang’s room, Ryan’s attempt to finally lose his virginity comes crashing down when Eric crashes his romantic dinner with Liz, citing more stupid and exaggerated homesickness. They try to give him a task like writing to all his relatives to get him out of their hair, but it doesn’t work because Ryan and Liz will never have privacy.

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We return to the Eiffel Tower to find a drunk Nicky making his lobster dance. Jesus Christ, I would be surprised if at least one of these morons doesn’t cause an international incident while they’re in Paris. I’m betting on Screech. Also, Ben Gould plays a drunk guy like a teenager who’s never touched a drop of liquor in his life.

They decide to pay the bill and go to the observation deck. They find it’s ₣1,200 and assume that’s like $20 or something. Jesus they’re fucking morons. The first thing you learn travelling is that restaurants and bars inside famous landmarks are generally the most expensive in the city. But if this is the Le Jules Verne, the real restaurant in the Eiffel Tower, this place is Michelin rated, one of the best, and most expensive, restaurants in all of Paris. Hell, today it’s not uncommon there to pay €300 per person, not even including alcohol. But our gang, despite having experiences most teenagers could only dream of, lack any sort of common sense about how shit works and are busy giving American tourists a bad name.

Maria calls the waiter over and asks how much the bill is in American money because, while they’re busy being stereotypically offensive American tourists, they might as well complete the act by assuming they can just pay in dollars anywhere in the world. Because the waiter is American himself, he just happens to know the bill converts to $200 which, for the Le Jules Verne, sounds like they ordered off the kids menu, especially given the large amount of wine they apparently consumed. They don’t have enough money to pay the bill so decide the best course of action they can take thousands of miles from home is to leave as much cash as they can and hope the waiters never learned how to add.

Oh, it’s not an alcohol episode. It’s a dine and dash episode. One night in Paris and our gang is giving this wait staff plenty to complain about on the customer service hell reddits. Oh, wait, reddit didn’t exist back then. I assume they’re bottling this story up for years later when reddit is invented.

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Unfortunately, their plan is foiled by a combination of French schools giving these American expats a good education in math and the fact that elevators typically open again when an object passes between the doors. We go to commercial break with the trio wondering what important life lesson will result from this subplot.

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Back in the office, Mr. Belding kicks Screech out for snoring and shit. Someone once said that Dennis Haskins and Dustin Diamond liked to improvise their own comedy on this show because the scripts were so bad. If that’s the case, they’re not very good at improvisation. No offense to you, Dennis, if you’re reading this. After all, you’re the member of this comedy duo I like.

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Back at the International Academy, Ryan and Liz sent Eric off on another chore, which leaves them free to do it with the Eiffel Tower in the background. Unfortunately, Eric interrupts them once again to tell them Maria, Nicky, and Katie have been arrested and Mr. Belding went to bail them out.

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Mr. Belding and Madame Dumars bring our misbehaving trio towards…a sleeping Screech. Jesus, Ryan and Liz were about to do it just feet from Screech? This show just keeps giving me nightmares! This is the stuff nightmares are made of!

Mr. Belding tells them that they were fucking stupid for thinking they could dine and dash on a Michelin rated restaurant. Oh, and boo drinking, too, because we just had to throw that in! Madame Dumars tells them that the usual punishment for such behavior is to send the entire group home because punishments that stir up the most conflict are usually the most convenient to the plot, even though they make no fucking sense whatsoever.

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Maria, Nicky, and Katie enter Cafe USA suddenly the next day to find none of the extras like them anymore. In fact, everyone’s pissed that their actions are leading to a draconian rule being enforced against them all before they even get to see Paris. The trio plead with Mr. Belding to talk Madame Dumars into being a reasonable human being, but he’s all, “With great power comes great responsibility and other such cliches!”

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The gang and extras assemble to hear Madame Dumars’s verdict on their future. Oh, and Mr. Belding resolves his subplot by apologizing to Screech for daring to be annoyed with his idiocy. Was there a point to that subplot other than to waste time?

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Madame Dumars is ready to send everyone home…

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…when Maria, Nicky, and Katie plead with her to be reasonable and only send her home like most academic programs not trying to create fake conflict for the sake of Saturday morning television would. This moves her, and she decides to let everyone stay because taking responsibility for your actions apparently makes everything okay and shit. But, most amusing, are the extras in the background apparently having a private dance because it’s been too many episodes since they got to party in one of Bayside’s many social functions and they’re going into withdrawal.

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And our episode ends with Eric bemoaning the fact he doesn’t to go home early. Fucking hell, if you’re going to piss and moan so much, why’d you come to Paris in the first place? I’ve lived abroad. Three times. I’ve been homesick. Guess what: it doesn’t set in within the first twenty-four hours. Once again, The New Class doesn’t know what it’s talking about, but that’s nothing new really.

Firsts: Paris, the International Academy, Cafe USA.

Saved by the Bell #1.5 (Roar Comics)

I feel bad I haven’t been keeping these reviews up as I’ve actually kind of enjoyed reading a modern take on Saved by the Bell. So, with no more cannon original cast, I’m going to be working on catching up with the comics, which are now in a second volume. I know not many of you read these judging by the comics, but I think they’re worth it.

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Our cover shows Slater doing what he does best: laughing at women. I assume this is going to be some type of “Jessie’s pissed at Slater” story. Also, remember that he’s still trying to get Kelly to date him at this point in the comic so being chauvinist in front of her might not be the smartest thing to do.

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Our story, “Cheers and Jeers,” opens in the hallway at Bayside where Jessie and Lisa discover Kelly holding a get well soon card. Seems the cheerleading squad is having a rash of random injuries due to them being the worst coordinated squad in the world. Seems they have no recourse as they’re only considered a club, not a sport, and so they have to keep on until they just die and shit.

I have to give it to the writer for picking a topic that’s actually quite current and controversial. There’s a huge debate right now over whether cheerleading is a sport or not, with the American Medical Association coming out in favor and, well, most people in sports coming out against because EWW COOTIES! No, it’s not really that simple, but it is controversial and heated. The writer is doing a better job than the Saved by the Bell series at staying current and relevant. Maybe she should write a revival of the series…

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In any case, Kelly’s starting a petition to get Mr. Belding to change cheerleading to a sport because he won’t listen unless they have the mighty power of three hundred signatures, and she wants Jessie to sign it. Jessie is unsure whether to get involved because she’s a straw feminist in every interpretation of her.

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At The Max, Jessie puts off signing the petition even more because cheerleading is stupid and chauvinist and shit, seemingly having her point proven by Zack Morris signing the petition because cheerleaders are hot and shit. She thinks real female athletes should get the attention and has no interest in joining cheerleading with Kelly.

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But then Slater opens his mouth and declares that girls can’t be athletes and shit, which immediately gets Jessie on Kelly’s side because she’ll do anything to feed an obvious troll trying to stir shit up rather than just punching him in the face and running away.  Kelly bets Slater he couldn’t be a cheerleader because apparently Bayside is the most gender-normative school in the world and has never had a male cheerleader. He agrees to be on the cheer squad to prove that anyone can do cheerleading and shit which is a completely valid argument, right?

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At practice, a cocky Slater doesn’t think he has to warm up or anything, but he soon realizes he’s completely out of his league. He eventually ends up taking a hard fall on his knees and limps away, tail between his legs. Also, Jessie’s writing an article on Slater’s debacle for the school newspaper.

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In the hallway, Slater’s hurt one of his knees pretty bad, to the point he’s limping from the swelling. He convinces Zack Morris and Screech not to say anything as he doesn’t want to get kicked off the wrestling team. Um, why would that get you kicked off?

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At wrestling practice, the coach won’t let Slater wrestle due to his injury and says he’ll have to miss the big match against Valley. The coach sends Slater to the trainer, who won’t treat Slater because the injury occurred during cheerleading. I guess this guy never took the Hippocratic Oath. This sends Jessie, who’s hanging out in the trainer’s office for some reason, into full pseudo-feminist mode as she continues writing the article.

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In the hallway, Slater confesses to Kelly that he couldn’t handle being a cheerleader. Well, obviously. You’re never good at anything in one day! Slater’s not so bright in this incarnation, is he?

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He decides to sign the petition because he now believes cheerleaders deserve respect and shit and Kelly’s excited that she has all three hundred signatures. But Zack Morris and Screech, being the spoiled sports they are, point out that some of the names are fake, upsetting Kelly as there’s no way she’ll get enough signatures in time to deliver the petition to Mr. Belding. Why is there a deadline on this? You may not get recognition as soon as you’d hope, but isn’t it worth it to continue trying?

Jessie decides the only way to get enough support in time is for her to run her article, but Slater doesn’t want her to because the coach will kick him off wrestling squad…for reasons? I don’t get this part. Either he’s blatantly sexist or he just has stupid arbitrary rules. In any case, it doesn’t paint the faculty in a very good light for having the equivalent of kindergarten style rule.

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The next day in Mr. Belding’s office, the gang discover Jessie found a compromise: she emailed the article to all the parents so Slater’s coach wouldn’t see it. Good thing the spam filters in this universe apparently suck. Mr. Belding’s been overwhelmed with parents’ phone calls demanding he stop being an idiot and make cheerleading a sport, so that’s that.

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And our comic ends with Jessie continuing to refuse to be a cheerleader, because no matter what interpretation of the Saved by the Bell universe you’re working from, Jessie’s got to be a stubborn idiot who rarely changes unless it’s convenient to the plot.

The New Class Season 5, Episode 17: “Love, Bayside Style”

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We open at…the mall…damn it, I thought we were done with the fucking mall for the season. Remember back in the original series when I thought it was a good idea to use the mall for shit? Well, now they’re just overdoing the mall every season of this show. God, what I wouldn’t give for the days of season one when every episode took place at Bayside, even if it was an obvious ripoff of an original episode.

Well, in any case, what you’re witnessing in the above screenshot is Nicky and Eric practicing for “disco bowling,” because that’s what all the cool kids were doing in the late ’90s. They want the girls to go, but Maria and Katie think that idea sucks ass and Liz is preparing to go with Ryan to a Spice Girls rip-off band concert for their one month anniversary. Maria and Katie practically orgasm over Liz going with a guy for a month since they haven’t really been touched ever since Nicky dumped them both, and Nicky and Eric think it’s odd Ryan’s going to this concert. Liz says he’s a special, sensitive sort of guy, which means she obviously haven’t seen him in action as long as we have.

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Naturally, Ryan comes in and wants them to go to a concert. Suddenly, Liz thinks Ryan sucks ass and they have a fight involving two people who look like they’ve never had a fight in their life. Liz says she’s going to the fucking concert and Ryan decides to go with Nicky and Eric to disco bowling.

The boys get in the elevator to go to the bowling ally and…

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…the elevator stops, trapping the boys. Where have I seen this plot before? Oh, yeah, an original series episode! And since Nicky’s not pushing out a baby for Ryan and Eric to deliver, I’m guessing they’re going to fill their time with something else.

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The boys start pressing the elevator alarm and the world’s most incompetent security guard comes to the rescue! Wait, wasn’t Screech supposed to quit this job? These episodes are definitely chronological since Ryan and Liz weren’t yet dating last time they were at the mall, but it seems, as usual, expecting the writers to remember what they did earlier in the same season is too fucking hard.

So, the boys have to count on Screech to get them out of the malfunctioning elevator, which means they’re probably going to fucking die.

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So the boys decide to kill time while Screech decides how to get them out by…fucking hell, I didn’t see this one coming. We’re jumping into a clip show episode, all to help Ryan and Liz work out their relationship issues. Yeah, it means I have less to write this week, but I still have to watch the fucking thing, which means I’m going to be bored out of my mind.

Ryan remembers how much relationships suck because Rachel broke up with him. No mention of Lindsay breaking up with him despite the fact that one was probably more traumatic because that happened in a season other than this one and that might mean acknowledging R.J. once existed.

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Meanwhile, Tweedle Dumb Ass starts messing with shit in the elevator control because a security guard is obviously the most qualified person to make such adjustments. Naturally, Screech nearly sets the mall on fire and shit, making Liz not want to sit around and wait this stuff out any longer. She wants to go to the concert, saying she doesn’t give a shit if Ryan dies from Screech’s incompetence since she remembers how he tried to do a report without her. Well, someone’s a bit mood swingey when it comes to remember what her boyfriend is like. We go to commercial break with both Ryan and Liz ready to break up with each other.

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After the commercial break, Mr. Belding shows up after his usual loitering around the mall…

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…to find his administrative assistant literally ripping shit out of the mechanics of the elevator. My god, the boys really are going to die! Are we sure we’re not replacing half the cast next season? And, of course, Mr. Belding doesn’t mention the fact Screech isn’t supposed to be working here anymore because that plot point is no longer relevant. We do find out Screech didn’t call the elevator repair person because he didn’t know such a thing exists. No, the most incompetent person around is just supposed to try and repair that shit himself.

The girls continue their clips after Liz declares she’s right and Ryan’s wrong. Maria remembers the time she smoke a hella lot of pot and then Nicky broke up with her because she thought she was right until she came down off her high. It’s alright. No one ever bought the two of you as having any chemistry in the first place.

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Mr. Belding takes charge since no one who works at the mall is competent to do anything right. He calls the elevator company and tells Screech to stop messing with shit before he gets the boys killed. Of course, Screech doesn’t listen, and somehow cuts electricity to the mall through the call panel. Number one, that’s stupid. Number two, he does know there’s more to an elevator than the call panel, right?

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Lucky, Eric has a glow-in-the-dark bowling ball to light up their lives. Nicky and Eric remind Ryan how hard they worked to hook him up with Liz (even though they were incompetent as fuck) and Ryan remembers how he got together with Liz. Ryan decides maybe they should keep dating.

Back in the food court, Mr. Belding’s in on messing with shit now and nearly electrocutes himself but manages to get the electricity back on. Liz decides she’s not ready to break up with Ryan yet but both she and Ryan believe that the other needs to yield completely because that’s the way relationships work and shit.

In the elevator, Ryan remembers when the writers had a stupid running plot about Nicky and him both liking Liz.

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Back in the food court, the repair person, who has the most exaggerated Brooklyn accent ever, finally shows up.

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Screech decides it’s time for him to have a clip and remembers how he sang sorry very horribly when he and Claire fought last week. I’m actually surprised. I never thought they’d mention Claire again. I’m betting this is the last time because it was convenient to the clips.

Also, I’m a bit disturbed. If you look, the pink for that clip looks like it’s coming out of Screech’s crotch. Is he having an erection in front of the girls remembering that a girl liked him last week? I might have nightmares now…

Liz doesn’t want to apologize but Maria’s all, “Everyone’s got to apologize or you’ll end up dateless like me!” Liz remembers the night of their first kiss so she can feel as good as Screech.

Ryan and Liz each come to the independent conclusion they were both dumb asses just as the elevator guy gets the elevator working again.

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And, since the clips ran long, we have about fifteen seconds for the two of them to make up and decide to go to the concert tonight and dinner tomorrow, because Liz doesn’t care how much time she’s supposed to be practicing for swimming anymore.

I don’t know which is worse: the clip show episodes like this that try to have a plot or those like “Best Summer of My Life” and “New Years Resolutions” that don’t try to pretend they’re anything other than a cheap excuse to pad out the season. They’re both boring, but this type I’m supposed to pretend like I give a shit about.